The hoover is reving up!

[Guest guest]

Hi Everyone,

So my last communication with Nada was via email about three weeks ago

when she flipped out on me because 1) I can't read her mind and 2) I

suggested that what she was really upset about in the first place was

the LC I had decided upon.

Well, I sent a vague apology that same day, apologizing for suggesting

that she would channel her anger about one issue into another. Which

technically, I was sorry I brought it up, and if people aren't open to

suggestions like that it's not my place to make them. I was not sorry

for, nor did I apologize for not being able to read her mind.

She has called me three times since then, and left two nonspecific

messages. She emailed me today asking me if everything is okay,

sounding concerned.

Did she just outright forget that I said I only wanted to email? Why

didn't she respond to my email after she called me the first time? I'm

so glad you guys talked me through that one. I'd be even more pissed

right now if I had spent a ton of time worrying about whether or not

she still had internet (I'll admit, I worried a little, but not nearly

as much as I would have before).

Also, I started to feel myself melting at the edges. She can't be that

bad right? She has been better in recent years, right? So in order to

see if that was true, I decided to look at all the emails she has sent

me since I started grad school two years ago. I noticed that there

seem to be some distinct categories in terms of subject matter:

1)how she is getting herself together, doing better than before

2)asking for money

3)demanding help, asking me to visit because it would be " a big help "

and not " i'd really like to see you "

4)angry because I told her she wasn't capable of doing something

5)telling me what to do under the guise of being helpful (you must eat

fish 4x/week and gain 5-6 lbs.)

6)she's worried about me since I haven't returned her calls

7)saying she should have made it harder on me when i was growing up,

she worked to hard to make my life easy and now I can't handle it on

my own

8)more stuff like this that doesn't fit a category

9)invalidation meant as comfort " think of the people (like me) who

have it worse than you "

So the edges started hardening up again. Yet still I find myself

afraid of her rage. It makes me angry at myself that as a grown woman

I still fear her anger. I'm afraid right now to email her back and say

I'm fine, but I just want to communicate by email for the time being

and I'll let you know when I'm ready to talk on the phone. Which makes

me realize even more that I am in no way ready to talk to her on the

phone.

Why the hell am I still afraid of this woman? Someone please knock

some sense into me! (Omg, um, I just used one of nada's favorite

phrases " i ought to knock some sense into you " . . . ahh! Help!!)

Melany