I'm new, An Intro

April 16, 2007

Hello everybody, I’m new to the group. I have a mom with (undiagnosed) BPD.

Fortunately, I’m almost 30 and I don’t have to live with her and deal with her

everyday like my younger sister does.

I began therapy several years ago because I thought * I * was the crazy one.

I didn’t understand why our relationship was so difficult and I thought it must

be me (after all, momster reminds me all the time that it IS me). This is when

I first heard about BPD. My therapist was pretty convinced she had BPD and told

me about SWOE. I could not believe what I was reading. It was about the

greatest day of my life to realize that I wasn’t alone, I wasn’t ‘crazy’ and

that there was a name for this sort of behavior. The most painful part of

dealing with her BPD (aside from all the slyly vicious things she does) is that,

even as I am an adult now, nobody believes any of it! “your mom said that?! I

don’t believe it, she is the nicest person!” My sister knows about her ‘dark

side,’ my dad (divorced from her for 16 years) knows, my husband knows, but

outside of that, people are clueless. Her sisters (my aunts), her mother even,

they don’t get it. They are not all that close

to her, and she can pull it together for the people that aren’t close. She

puts on the saccharine sweet face and makes herself out to be mother theresa,

while vilifying me, my sister, and my father to her family and the occasional

friends she may have in her life…AND they buy it, hook, line and sinker!

I have come a long way with therapy and setting up my boundaries, it’s

exhausting! I have to be ever vigilant, else I let them slip and she can get

back in to make mincemeat of my heart and self esteem. It seems like she has a

timer that tells her when she's just pushed it too far, and then she is sweet

and loving and kind, just in the nick of time to reel me back in, and i fall for

that over and over...I want my mom to be a mom (will I ever stop wishing for

that). I know things would be much easier if I just cut her out of my life. I

feel soooooo much better when I give myself breaks from her, and don’t go out of

my way to talk to her or see her for a week or so…but…she is my mother, and I

have a deep seeded loyalty not to abandon her. Everybody else pretty much has.

My sister cannot stand her, my father cannot stand her, her own family finds her

irritating (although they only see minor offences, but it is enough for them to

distance themselves). she has no friends,

no boyfriend or husband. She has systematically cut off or scared away every

intimate relationship she’s ever had. I have a hard time reminding myself that

she can’t help it, I stay and take the abuse, and I resent her for the behavior.

Our relationship is pretty much whatever I can handle at any given moment. I

get constant guilt trips that I am trying to push her out of my life, or I don't

have time for her, or as she puts it " I see where I fit in to your life, loud

and clear. " She seems jealous that I am married to a good man and that he is a

good father. She tells me all the time in little jabbing and unobvious ways

that she doesn't know how I ended up with him, I don't deserve him, and that I

am lucky to have him. The situation is getting more complex, however, as we

have 2 little girls now (5 & 3), and I find her saying things to them that are

inappropriate, I don’t want them to know the bad side of grandma.

---------------------------------

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April 16, 2007

Welcome!

I think I can speak for all of us when I say " we know how you feel. "

SWOE is a wonderful book, and it has helped me alot. One of the most

important things is to not let the fact that you are " the only one "

still around for her or who is willing to work on this, be the fact

that keeps dragging you back in. She is not capable of seeing the

world the way that we do, and it is true and acceptable that you are

not capalbe of putting up with her more irrational behavior. I know

you must feel like a gambler, sometimes you win with her, and that's

what keeps you pulling through the times that you lose. I can't sayif

there will be a specific day where you wil be at peace with this.

Something my therapist said to me was " feelings are like waves,

sometimes they're stronger than other times. " I think we forget that

alot of the time. I do think that for the benefit of your kids you and

your husband present a united front in regards to your mom, and if her

behavior is worrisome to you then invite her to family functions where

you can keep an eye on her and what she says to your kids. I wish you

all the best.

-Jess

> Hello everybody, I'm new to the group. I have a mom with

(undiagnosed) BPD. Fortunately, I'm almost 30 and I don't have to

live with her and deal with her everyday like my younger sister does.

>

> I began therapy several years ago because I thought * I * was the

crazy one. I didn't understand why our relationship was so difficult

and I thought it must be me (after all, momster reminds me all the

time that it IS me). This is when I first heard about BPD. My

therapist was pretty convinced she had BPD and told me about SWOE. I

could not believe what I was reading. It was about the greatest day

of my life to realize that I wasn't alone, I wasn't `crazy' and that

there was a name for this sort of behavior. The most painful part of

dealing with her BPD (aside from all the slyly vicious things she

does) is that, even as I am an adult now, nobody believes any of it!

" your mom said that?! I don't believe it, she is the nicest person! "

My sister knows about her `dark side,' my dad (divorced from her for

16 years) knows, my husband knows, but outside of that, people are

clueless. Her sisters (my aunts), her mother even, they don't get it.

They are not all that close

> to her, and she can pull it together for the people that aren't

close. She puts on the saccharine sweet face and makes herself out to

be mother theresa, while vilifying me, my sister, and my father to her

family and the occasional friends she may have in her life…AND they

buy it, hook, line and sinker!

>

> I have come a long way with therapy and setting up my boundaries,

it's exhausting! I have to be ever vigilant, else I let them slip and

she can get back in to make mincemeat of my heart and self esteem. It

seems like she has a timer that tells her when she's just pushed it

too far, and then she is sweet and loving and kind, just in the nick

of time to reel me back in, and i fall for that over and over...I want

my mom to be a mom (will I ever stop wishing for that). I know things

would be much easier if I just cut her out of my life. I feel soooooo

much better when I give myself breaks from her, and don't go out of my

way to talk to her or see her for a week or so…but…she is my mother,

and I have a deep seeded loyalty not to abandon her. Everybody else

pretty much has. My sister cannot stand her, my father cannot stand

her, her own family finds her irritating (although they only see minor

offences, but it is enough for them to distance themselves). she has

no friends,

> no boyfriend or husband. She has systematically cut off or scared

away every intimate relationship she's ever had. I have a hard time

reminding myself that she can't help it, I stay and take the abuse,

and I resent her for the behavior. Our relationship is pretty much

whatever I can handle at any given moment. I get constant guilt trips

that I am trying to push her out of my life, or I don't have time for

her, or as she puts it " I see where I fit in to your life, loud and

clear. " She seems jealous that I am married to a good man and that he

is a good father. She tells me all the time in little jabbing and

unobvious ways that she doesn't know how I ended up with him, I don't

deserve him, and that I am lucky to have him. The situation is

getting more complex, however, as we have 2 little girls now (5 & 3),

and I find her saying things to them that are inappropriate, I don't

want them to know the bad side of grandma.

>

> ---------------------------------

> Ahhh...imagining that irresistible " new car " smell?

> Check outnew cars at Yahoo! Autos.

>

April 16, 2007