How do you explain?

[Guest guest]

Hello Heidi,

I too find it really hard to deal with friends and relatives who

pressure me to " get along " with my family. Does anyone have any

good ideas which have worked for them?

My psychoanalyst told me that a patient in a similar situation

offers a book on borderline mothers to those friends who really

pressure her to work harder at her relationship with her mother, she

asks them to read it and then tell her whether they feel the

same...I could see this for a close friend but it seems a rather

confrontational solution for most exchanges!

Most of my friends and acquaintances have never met my family,

theank heavens, becasue I live so far away. I do get constant

questions about when I will visit my parents, when will they come to

see the baby, they must be so happy about their grandson...and for

many of them it seems very difficult to hear that I have minimal

contact with my family. I suppose that some experienced such

idyllic childhoods that they can't imagine such a situation; some

may have such painful family relationships that they find it

threatening that I am working to avoid that same pain... I just wish

I had a way to answer them and not feel unvalidated.

Relatives are harder, because close ones have turned a blind eye to

a really sick situation in my family for the last 30 years. I keep

in touch with those who I believe wish me well, and, well, basically

avoid the rest. Many of them expect me to go along with my mother's

fantasies because it is easier for them to pressure me than to

challenge her sickness. For example my aunt told me that I have to

pay for my younger siblings' college education because my mother

believes I will, that I had to handle not having my father attend my

wedding because it would upset my mother too much if he

did...basically things she would never dare to suggest to her own

children or her friends' children. (nb this was two years ago now,

she has not spoken to me for the last two since my mother broke into

my e-mail, found out i was writing to my aunt and totally lost it -

any communication to family members not through my nada is

apparently a betrayal - what i am trying to say is that I think also

that i am stronger and it would be harder today for my relatives to

pressure me in exactly the same way)

Sorry for such a long post! I would really love to hear how others

deal with some of these issues

Sara

> >

> > Hi everyone - my name is Sara and I just found out about this

> > group. I'm 31 and, thanks to a lot of physical distance and

nearly

> > 3 years of psychoanalysis, I've recognized that my mother nearly

> > certainly suffers from BPD and I have worked hard to try to lift

> > some of the FOG that made me feel so worthless for so many

years.

> > I've come a long and painful way towards creating a happy life

for

> > myself and am fortunate to have a wonderful supportive husband

and 5-

> > month old son. Still, every interaction with my mother and my

> > family who see nothing wrong with her abusive rages and

> > manipulations and blame brings on a lot of emotions...I still

> > struggle so much with guilt and anxiety.

> >

> > I would especially love to hear from any new mothers whose own

> > mothers were borderline. One problem I experience is that many

of

> > the mums and babies in my area have lives which revolve around

> > visits from extended family - whereas I am so much healthier

without

> > seeing my parents and siblings and yet even when I choose to try

to

> > explain the situation many people can't understand it. It makes

me

> > feel as though I am missing a big piece of support that other

new

> > mothers have, and I wonder how others deal with these

feelings.

> >

> > -Sara

> >

>