Ending the madness!

[Guest guest]

Tomorrow is the big day that I'm telling my nada that I'm taking my

life back once and for all! I feel I have to personally tell her what

she has put me through, is over. We didn't speak for 3 1/2 years and

she called my sister, not me, to let her know that the baby she gave

up... had found her. When my nada finally returned my messages, she

went on and on about how badly my half-sister had it. (She did have a

terrible upbringing) My nada went on...she didn't have this...or

that. Well, freak, I didn't either! I asked if she told her we were

not speaking. She didn't know how to answer that question.(bdp

memory) My memory is very clear. I preceeded to calmly tell her how I

felt and I believe she didn't know any better because her parents

were abusive. At first she listened(4 @ least 30min), then something

snapped. She screamed and yelled, then hung up. Two weeks went by and

I knew she would be at a family function. I wrote her a note thanking

her for listening, but hanging up is not the answer. I reiterated

what I needed from her and that I wanted to work things out, but she

needed to be the mother and go the extra mile by not letting another

3 plus years go by. At the party she avioded me and she looked like

she could spit fire. I gave the her the letter as she snarled. Two

weeks after that was my birthday. She called hoping to get my

viocemail. " Oh your home. " (Yaaaa... chick it's my cell) The excuses

came flooding in why she can't talk; work, the move...blah blah. In

the meantime I met my half-sister. Nada told her she close with her

girls. WHAT! Well I told her the truth, I had to! Honesty is

extremely important to me and I had to tell her what she was getting

her self into. This way she had all the infomation. Her adopted

mother and nada are very similar, poor girl.(she is older, 38)

Unfortunately there will be no fairy-tale ending. My half-sister had

almost died two years prior to a genetic blood disease and that

started her search again for her birth mother. She saved my life, I

have too! When I called nada, I left her a messages that I had

it...it took her 2 days to call back...again..blah..blah. She told me

in our initial phone call that she didn't want to give her up and was

planning to run off with the father. Her parents found out and made

her give her up. In her nasty way she told me that the life she had

with my father and us girls was not the life she wanted. My half-

sister and I tried to build a relationship, but she is trying to do

the same with her birth mother. She has backed off. I think she feels

she is betraying nada by talking to me. I respect the fact that she

wants to find out for herself and I will give her that space. The

last time we spoke in January, she sounded sooo sad and conflicted.

When the time comes and it will, I will be there for my sister! I

live in a somewhat small town and nada is on her pitty party, crying

how hard she has it and my sister and I aren't helping matters. Well

it got back to me and I have had it! Tomorrow I am going to her house

to get my childhood things and tell her that I'M WORTH MORE and it's

HER ISSUE! I will not sink to her level and I will not raise my

vioce. Tell me if anyone feels the same way: the not knowing is the

root of the anxiety of a non-BPD. Well damn it I'm gonna know

tomorrow and I will have my smurfs back. Thanx for reading. It sucks

and helps that I'm not alone in the madness.