Guest guest Posted April 22, 2007 Report Share Posted April 22, 2007 welcome! i'm fairly new here myself. i've seen a few posts about BPD fathers, but really, it all comes down to behavior. a BPD mother or father is similar enough in that it is not a relationship you choose to have (unlike a BPD spouse). i think you'll find loads of support here and people to relate to. i'm sorry you have the whole wedding mess to deal with. weddings are stressful enough without something like this to compound it. i wanted to elope too! i hear you there! but fortunately, momster had her moments during my wedding/wedding planning, but when it came down to the day, i was just so busy with everything (we had 200+ at our wedding, yikes), i didn't have time or notice any of her issues. it was my day, and even if she did do or say something out of place, i refused to play along for that day. and if anybody else noticed (future in-laws, etc.) they certainly didn't say anything to me about it. i can relate to the " duty " of having to invite him, he is your dad. i would be the same way. i know somw people would be okay with not inviting their parents, and if you want to do that and are capable of it, more power to you! but if not, i guess you just have to let it go if he is going to be there. there's always some crazy drunk uncle making a weird speech, etc. or *something* at any wedding, just hope that the day is festive and that nobody is paying attention to your parents. it's about you and your new spouse. good luck! > > Hi all, > > I am just getting my first look at the posts on this board. Wow. I > am noticing that most of the affected parents are mothers. Are there > many people here with BPD fathers? > > I only found out about BPD a few months ago and have been reading up > and it all suddenly makes so much sense. I wish I'd read this stuff > when I was a teen! > > My father has not been officially diagnosed with anything (he's > perfect and doesn't need counseling but all the rest of us do) but > he seems to exhibit many of the traits which were always refered to > as 'his temper' when I was growing up. I now have a pretty good > relationship with him by keeping it strictly over the phone and > hanging up if I feel my blood starting to boil. Face to face > interactions are infrequent and if he gets started I just leave. > > Now I have a big event coming up--my wedding--and I feel like I > really need to figure out a way to cope with him that day. I have > asked my brother to walk me down the aisle since I really don't want > dear old dad 'giving me away' as I hate the connotations of that. > Now I'm feeling terribly guilty for slighting him on this but I > really don't want to pretend to feel close when what I am really > feeling is resentment. He will still be in the wedding but walking > with my mom in front of me. He hasn't complained at all but I'm not > sure he really gets it yet. > > I want him to behave for one day. I am stressed thinking of how he > could act in front of my future in laws. He tends to do very well in > social situations esp. when he's out of his element but I am so > nervous. I wish we had eloped. We discussed that but I just couldn't > do that to my mother and how can you invite one parent to your > wedding and not the other? Now I feel guilty for not wanting him > there. > > Ugh. Sorry for the ramble. I'll regret this in the morning. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 22, 2007 Report Share Posted April 22, 2007 welcome! i'm fairly new here myself. i've seen a few posts about BPD fathers, but really, it all comes down to behavior. a BPD mother or father is similar enough in that it is not a relationship you choose to have (unlike a BPD spouse). i think you'll find loads of support here and people to relate to. i'm sorry you have the whole wedding mess to deal with. weddings are stressful enough without something like this to compound it. i wanted to elope too! i hear you there! but fortunately, momster had her moments during my wedding/wedding planning, but when it came down to the day, i was just so busy with everything (we had 200+ at our wedding, yikes), i didn't have time or notice any of her issues. it was my day, and even if she did do or say something out of place, i refused to play along for that day. and if anybody else noticed (future in-laws, etc.) they certainly didn't say anything to me about it. i can relate to the " duty " of having to invite him, he is your dad. i would be the same way. i know somw people would be okay with not inviting their parents, and if you want to do that and are capable of it, more power to you! but if not, i guess you just have to let it go if he is going to be there. there's always some crazy drunk uncle making a weird speech, etc. or *something* at any wedding, just hope that the day is festive and that nobody is paying attention to your parents. it's about you and your new spouse. good luck! > > Hi all, > > I am just getting my first look at the posts on this board. Wow. I > am noticing that most of the affected parents are mothers. Are there > many people here with BPD fathers? > > I only found out about BPD a few months ago and have been reading up > and it all suddenly makes so much sense. I wish I'd read this stuff > when I was a teen! > > My father has not been officially diagnosed with anything (he's > perfect and doesn't need counseling but all the rest of us do) but > he seems to exhibit many of the traits which were always refered to > as 'his temper' when I was growing up. I now have a pretty good > relationship with him by keeping it strictly over the phone and > hanging up if I feel my blood starting to boil. Face to face > interactions are infrequent and if he gets started I just leave. > > Now I have a big event coming up--my wedding--and I feel like I > really need to figure out a way to cope with him that day. I have > asked my brother to walk me down the aisle since I really don't want > dear old dad 'giving me away' as I hate the connotations of that. > Now I'm feeling terribly guilty for slighting him on this but I > really don't want to pretend to feel close when what I am really > feeling is resentment. He will still be in the wedding but walking > with my mom in front of me. He hasn't complained at all but I'm not > sure he really gets it yet. > > I want him to behave for one day. I am stressed thinking of how he > could act in front of my future in laws. He tends to do very well in > social situations esp. when he's out of his element but I am so > nervous. I wish we had eloped. We discussed that but I just couldn't > do that to my mother and how can you invite one parent to your > wedding and not the other? Now I feel guilty for not wanting him > there. > > Ugh. Sorry for the ramble. I'll regret this in the morning. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 22, 2007 Report Share Posted April 22, 2007 welcome! i'm fairly new here myself. i've seen a few posts about BPD fathers, but really, it all comes down to behavior. a BPD mother or father is similar enough in that it is not a relationship you choose to have (unlike a BPD spouse). i think you'll find loads of support here and people to relate to. i'm sorry you have the whole wedding mess to deal with. weddings are stressful enough without something like this to compound it. i wanted to elope too! i hear you there! but fortunately, momster had her moments during my wedding/wedding planning, but when it came down to the day, i was just so busy with everything (we had 200+ at our wedding, yikes), i didn't have time or notice any of her issues. it was my day, and even if she did do or say something out of place, i refused to play along for that day. and if anybody else noticed (future in-laws, etc.) they certainly didn't say anything to me about it. i can relate to the " duty " of having to invite him, he is your dad. i would be the same way. i know somw people would be okay with not inviting their parents, and if you want to do that and are capable of it, more power to you! but if not, i guess you just have to let it go if he is going to be there. there's always some crazy drunk uncle making a weird speech, etc. or *something* at any wedding, just hope that the day is festive and that nobody is paying attention to your parents. it's about you and your new spouse. good luck! > > Hi all, > > I am just getting my first look at the posts on this board. Wow. I > am noticing that most of the affected parents are mothers. Are there > many people here with BPD fathers? > > I only found out about BPD a few months ago and have been reading up > and it all suddenly makes so much sense. I wish I'd read this stuff > when I was a teen! > > My father has not been officially diagnosed with anything (he's > perfect and doesn't need counseling but all the rest of us do) but > he seems to exhibit many of the traits which were always refered to > as 'his temper' when I was growing up. I now have a pretty good > relationship with him by keeping it strictly over the phone and > hanging up if I feel my blood starting to boil. Face to face > interactions are infrequent and if he gets started I just leave. > > Now I have a big event coming up--my wedding--and I feel like I > really need to figure out a way to cope with him that day. I have > asked my brother to walk me down the aisle since I really don't want > dear old dad 'giving me away' as I hate the connotations of that. > Now I'm feeling terribly guilty for slighting him on this but I > really don't want to pretend to feel close when what I am really > feeling is resentment. He will still be in the wedding but walking > with my mom in front of me. He hasn't complained at all but I'm not > sure he really gets it yet. > > I want him to behave for one day. I am stressed thinking of how he > could act in front of my future in laws. He tends to do very well in > social situations esp. when he's out of his element but I am so > nervous. I wish we had eloped. We discussed that but I just couldn't > do that to my mother and how can you invite one parent to your > wedding and not the other? Now I feel guilty for not wanting him > there. > > Ugh. Sorry for the ramble. I'll regret this in the morning. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 22, 2007 Report Share Posted April 22, 2007 A lot of times, when you are expecting someone to act " the way they do " at a very important event and you fret and fret about it, then - bam! - they act totally normal. You might get lucky and have that experience! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 22, 2007 Report Share Posted April 22, 2007 Thanks! It's such a relief to hear you didn't have any drama. I'm hoping the strange location and people will keep him quiet. If not I will focus on other things. My fiancee is very anti-drama and I think I can trust him and my brother to shut dad down if he gets nasty. I did ask him if he was going to do a toast (God help me) and he said he would if I wrote some stuff down for him to say. I was totally shocked that he even realized I was dreading he would say stuff that was inappropriate under the guise of 'being honest' or 'just joking' as that wouldn't surprise me in the least. So now I have to write a toast for my HF BP father to give at my wedding. What the heck do I write?!?!?! I guess having a BP father is similar to having a mother but the one thing I can tell you is very different even as an adult is the physical intimidation factor. He's a big man and I'm not. At least if it was mom I could take her down in a fight. B > > welcome! i'm fairly new here myself. i've seen a few posts about BPD > fathers, but really, it all comes down to behavior. a BPD mother or > father is similar enough in that it is not a relationship you choose > to have (unlike a BPD spouse). i think you'll find loads of support > here and people to relate to. > > i'm sorry you have the whole wedding mess to deal with. weddings are > stressful enough without something like this to compound it. i > wanted to elope too! i hear you there! but fortunately, momster had > her moments during my wedding/wedding planning, but when it came > down to the day, i was just so busy with everything (we had 200+ at > our wedding, yikes), i didn't have time or notice any of her issues. > it was my day, and even if she did do or say something out of place, > i refused to play along for that day. and if anybody else noticed > (future in-laws, etc.) they certainly didn't say anything to me > about it. > > i can relate to the " duty " of having to invite him, he is your dad. > i would be the same way. i know somw people would be okay with not > inviting their parents, and if you want to do that and are capable > of it, more power to you! > > but if not, i guess you just have to let it go if he is going to be > there. there's always some crazy drunk uncle making a weird speech, > etc. or *something* at any wedding, just hope that the day is > festive and that nobody is paying attention to your parents. it's > about you and your new spouse. > > good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 22, 2007 Report Share Posted April 22, 2007 Hi, I invited one parent and not the other to my wedding...can't say the results were so good. The weeks before my wedding were filled with constant e-mails and hysterical phone calls from my mother, who had found out by breaking into my e-mails and listening in on phone calls. I told my father that he could come if he liked - first he said he would, then he wouldn't, then a week before he said yes and bought a ticket, and then the day before my wedding he called and told me he couldn't go - my mother was too unstable to be left alone (not, of course, because she has a disorder, it is apparently a perfectly normal reaction to not being invited to your daughter's wedding to threaten suicide and stand in front of your spouse's car after having thrown his suitcases into the road...) I was devastated, I cried for months. But on the other hand (1) inviting my mother was not an option - she has ruined every other public ceremony in my life and this would have been even worse, I could not have gone through with it; (2) if I hadn't invited my father I would never have believed that he was capable of doing something like that to me the evening before my wedding. (It was a very small wedding anyway, we didn't elope because we wanted my husband's mother to attend) Not cheering I know, maybe it will help someone though Sara > > Hi all, > > I am just getting my first look at the posts on this board. Wow. I > am noticing that most of the affected parents are mothers. Are there > many people here with BPD fathers? > > I only found out about BPD a few months ago and have been reading up > and it all suddenly makes so much sense. I wish I'd read this stuff > when I was a teen! > > My father has not been officially diagnosed with anything (he's > perfect and doesn't need counseling but all the rest of us do) but > he seems to exhibit many of the traits which were always refered to > as 'his temper' when I was growing up. I now have a pretty good > relationship with him by keeping it strictly over the phone and > hanging up if I feel my blood starting to boil. Face to face > interactions are infrequent and if he gets started I just leave. > > Now I have a big event coming up--my wedding--and I feel like I > really need to figure out a way to cope with him that day. I have > asked my brother to walk me down the aisle since I really don't want > dear old dad 'giving me away' as I hate the connotations of that. > Now I'm feeling terribly guilty for slighting him on this but I > really don't want to pretend to feel close when what I am really > feeling is resentment. He will still be in the wedding but walking > with my mom in front of me. He hasn't complained at all but I'm not > sure he really gets it yet. > > I want him to behave for one day. I am stressed thinking of how he > could act in front of my future in laws. He tends to do very well in > social situations esp. when he's out of his element but I am so > nervous. I wish we had eloped. We discussed that but I just couldn't > do that to my mother and how can you invite one parent to your > wedding and not the other? Now I feel guilty for not wanting him > there. > > Ugh. Sorry for the ramble. I'll regret this in the morning. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 22, 2007 Report Share Posted April 22, 2007 Hi, I invited one parent and not the other to my wedding...can't say the results were so good. The weeks before my wedding were filled with constant e-mails and hysterical phone calls from my mother, who had found out by breaking into my e-mails and listening in on phone calls. I told my father that he could come if he liked - first he said he would, then he wouldn't, then a week before he said yes and bought a ticket, and then the day before my wedding he called and told me he couldn't go - my mother was too unstable to be left alone (not, of course, because she has a disorder, it is apparently a perfectly normal reaction to not being invited to your daughter's wedding to threaten suicide and stand in front of your spouse's car after having thrown his suitcases into the road...) I was devastated, I cried for months. But on the other hand (1) inviting my mother was not an option - she has ruined every other public ceremony in my life and this would have been even worse, I could not have gone through with it; (2) if I hadn't invited my father I would never have believed that he was capable of doing something like that to me the evening before my wedding. (It was a very small wedding anyway, we didn't elope because we wanted my husband's mother to attend) Not cheering I know, maybe it will help someone though Sara > > Hi all, > > I am just getting my first look at the posts on this board. Wow. I > am noticing that most of the affected parents are mothers. Are there > many people here with BPD fathers? > > I only found out about BPD a few months ago and have been reading up > and it all suddenly makes so much sense. I wish I'd read this stuff > when I was a teen! > > My father has not been officially diagnosed with anything (he's > perfect and doesn't need counseling but all the rest of us do) but > he seems to exhibit many of the traits which were always refered to > as 'his temper' when I was growing up. I now have a pretty good > relationship with him by keeping it strictly over the phone and > hanging up if I feel my blood starting to boil. Face to face > interactions are infrequent and if he gets started I just leave. > > Now I have a big event coming up--my wedding--and I feel like I > really need to figure out a way to cope with him that day. I have > asked my brother to walk me down the aisle since I really don't want > dear old dad 'giving me away' as I hate the connotations of that. > Now I'm feeling terribly guilty for slighting him on this but I > really don't want to pretend to feel close when what I am really > feeling is resentment. He will still be in the wedding but walking > with my mom in front of me. He hasn't complained at all but I'm not > sure he really gets it yet. > > I want him to behave for one day. I am stressed thinking of how he > could act in front of my future in laws. He tends to do very well in > social situations esp. when he's out of his element but I am so > nervous. I wish we had eloped. We discussed that but I just couldn't > do that to my mother and how can you invite one parent to your > wedding and not the other? Now I feel guilty for not wanting him > there. > > Ugh. Sorry for the ramble. I'll regret this in the morning. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 22, 2007 Report Share Posted April 22, 2007 Hi, I invited one parent and not the other to my wedding...can't say the results were so good. The weeks before my wedding were filled with constant e-mails and hysterical phone calls from my mother, who had found out by breaking into my e-mails and listening in on phone calls. I told my father that he could come if he liked - first he said he would, then he wouldn't, then a week before he said yes and bought a ticket, and then the day before my wedding he called and told me he couldn't go - my mother was too unstable to be left alone (not, of course, because she has a disorder, it is apparently a perfectly normal reaction to not being invited to your daughter's wedding to threaten suicide and stand in front of your spouse's car after having thrown his suitcases into the road...) I was devastated, I cried for months. But on the other hand (1) inviting my mother was not an option - she has ruined every other public ceremony in my life and this would have been even worse, I could not have gone through with it; (2) if I hadn't invited my father I would never have believed that he was capable of doing something like that to me the evening before my wedding. (It was a very small wedding anyway, we didn't elope because we wanted my husband's mother to attend) Not cheering I know, maybe it will help someone though Sara > > Hi all, > > I am just getting my first look at the posts on this board. Wow. I > am noticing that most of the affected parents are mothers. Are there > many people here with BPD fathers? > > I only found out about BPD a few months ago and have been reading up > and it all suddenly makes so much sense. I wish I'd read this stuff > when I was a teen! > > My father has not been officially diagnosed with anything (he's > perfect and doesn't need counseling but all the rest of us do) but > he seems to exhibit many of the traits which were always refered to > as 'his temper' when I was growing up. I now have a pretty good > relationship with him by keeping it strictly over the phone and > hanging up if I feel my blood starting to boil. Face to face > interactions are infrequent and if he gets started I just leave. > > Now I have a big event coming up--my wedding--and I feel like I > really need to figure out a way to cope with him that day. I have > asked my brother to walk me down the aisle since I really don't want > dear old dad 'giving me away' as I hate the connotations of that. > Now I'm feeling terribly guilty for slighting him on this but I > really don't want to pretend to feel close when what I am really > feeling is resentment. He will still be in the wedding but walking > with my mom in front of me. He hasn't complained at all but I'm not > sure he really gets it yet. > > I want him to behave for one day. I am stressed thinking of how he > could act in front of my future in laws. He tends to do very well in > social situations esp. when he's out of his element but I am so > nervous. I wish we had eloped. We discussed that but I just couldn't > do that to my mother and how can you invite one parent to your > wedding and not the other? Now I feel guilty for not wanting him > there. > > Ugh. Sorry for the ramble. I'll regret this in the morning. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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