Guest guest Posted April 9, 2007 Report Share Posted April 9, 2007 > Because I didn't know most > of this family growing up, I didn't realize how much > she was lying about her life, both to them and to me > (she had only intermittent contact with them when it > was useful, so she could distort the truth). When I > did find out I got very scared and had to start > re-evaluating everything she ever told me. It is very > difficult and frustrating to excise all of the > stories/anecdotes/family information that she lied > about. For example, she said that her mother died of > breast cancer...not true (it was some kind of problem > brought on by over-drinking). > > This is definitely one point where my family doesn't > see the same as I do. They think that her lying is > harmless. But it's not when much of it has been the > basis for much of my life. that is very similar to what happened in my family. My oldest brother would spend the summers ( 1960's) with nadas sister in WI...and he said nadas family was very nice..he loved his aunts and uncles, and said grandmother and grandfather were also very nice people. When I was 11 I started going there for summers too, only I stayed with my dads brother and his wife. What I learned about nadas side of the family was the same as my brothers ( I was there in the 1970's) although the aunt he stayed with didn't like me as nada told her lies about me..I wonder if nadas family would have helped us had we stayed in that area...and I wonder if they knew about her condition and that's why she wanted to leave, because she didn't want them butting into her life...now, I still have a relationship with my dads brother and his wife, I send them mothers days cards and fathers day cards...drives nada NUTS, doesn't bother dad, he thinks thats nice of me to remember them ( they had no kids) Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 9, 2007 Report Share Posted April 9, 2007 > Because I didn't know most > of this family growing up, I didn't realize how much > she was lying about her life, both to them and to me > (she had only intermittent contact with them when it > was useful, so she could distort the truth). When I > did find out I got very scared and had to start > re-evaluating everything she ever told me. It is very > difficult and frustrating to excise all of the > stories/anecdotes/family information that she lied > about. For example, she said that her mother died of > breast cancer...not true (it was some kind of problem > brought on by over-drinking). > > This is definitely one point where my family doesn't > see the same as I do. They think that her lying is > harmless. But it's not when much of it has been the > basis for much of my life. that is very similar to what happened in my family. My oldest brother would spend the summers ( 1960's) with nadas sister in WI...and he said nadas family was very nice..he loved his aunts and uncles, and said grandmother and grandfather were also very nice people. When I was 11 I started going there for summers too, only I stayed with my dads brother and his wife. What I learned about nadas side of the family was the same as my brothers ( I was there in the 1970's) although the aunt he stayed with didn't like me as nada told her lies about me..I wonder if nadas family would have helped us had we stayed in that area...and I wonder if they knew about her condition and that's why she wanted to leave, because she didn't want them butting into her life...now, I still have a relationship with my dads brother and his wife, I send them mothers days cards and fathers day cards...drives nada NUTS, doesn't bother dad, he thinks thats nice of me to remember them ( they had no kids) Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 9, 2007 Report Share Posted April 9, 2007 > Because I didn't know most > of this family growing up, I didn't realize how much > she was lying about her life, both to them and to me > (she had only intermittent contact with them when it > was useful, so she could distort the truth). When I > did find out I got very scared and had to start > re-evaluating everything she ever told me. It is very > difficult and frustrating to excise all of the > stories/anecdotes/family information that she lied > about. For example, she said that her mother died of > breast cancer...not true (it was some kind of problem > brought on by over-drinking). > > This is definitely one point where my family doesn't > see the same as I do. They think that her lying is > harmless. But it's not when much of it has been the > basis for much of my life. that is very similar to what happened in my family. My oldest brother would spend the summers ( 1960's) with nadas sister in WI...and he said nadas family was very nice..he loved his aunts and uncles, and said grandmother and grandfather were also very nice people. When I was 11 I started going there for summers too, only I stayed with my dads brother and his wife. What I learned about nadas side of the family was the same as my brothers ( I was there in the 1970's) although the aunt he stayed with didn't like me as nada told her lies about me..I wonder if nadas family would have helped us had we stayed in that area...and I wonder if they knew about her condition and that's why she wanted to leave, because she didn't want them butting into her life...now, I still have a relationship with my dads brother and his wife, I send them mothers days cards and fathers day cards...drives nada NUTS, doesn't bother dad, he thinks thats nice of me to remember them ( they had no kids) Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 10, 2007 Report Share Posted April 10, 2007 Jackie, > What did your family notice when you lived more close? Have you ever been able to talk to someone of you're family about it? > Of course I don't know how bad it was for you. my parents moved back there when they retired, I did not move with them. oh, God, that would have been awful :-) I'm sure the relatives know something isn't quite right with nada ..especially when she yealls and gets up and leaves their anniversary dinner because my favorite aunt walked in late and everyone was then talking to my aunt and not my mother.. At the stage I am with this, I really don't care one way or the other what my extended family thinks. If they have suspicions or not. I know what happened(s) and thats all that really matters. It doesn't matter to me what they think of me, not even my favorite aunt and uncle. I do remember one aunt saying something about not being able to do something she wanted because my mother wouldn't like it..I said who cares if she likes it...she looked at me horrified..so she must have had a good look at the evil one in work. I often wonder if we would have been better being around our extended family, and maybe gotten protection...but from others on this list, it's probably more likely they'd just turn a blind eye to it, and I'd be as upset with them as I was with nada . by the way, your English is fabulous and you are very easy to understand :-) Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 11, 2007 Report Share Posted April 11, 2007 No, unfortunately, but I sure have been trying. My dad admitted he knew my mom was abusive. It's the first time anyone in the family has said it (besides me). I think he meant to be supportive but it just hurt. How could he leave my sister and I with her if he knew? He never even tried to get custody. Now my sister is becoming just like nada. She'll doubtless abuse her children, who may become abusers themselves or like me, working like a dog to get past it. Either way, I'm a mess, sis is well on her way to total craziness and he could have done something about it. I just started recognizing how angry I am. I think it'll be a long road to forgiveness. For nada, for my dad, even for other family members who knew. They could have done something, anything, and they didn't. Jae mitchell_kristin wrote: I completely understand. My family, even my dad who divorced my mom when I was a baby, turned a blind eye to what was going on. I can grasp my extended family not being as aware as they should have been, but I am having a really hard time forgiving my dad. I have started to realize ignoring abuse is also abuse. I always felt abandoned by my dad, but I did not think his doing nothing qualified as abuse. Has anyone been able to forgive and let go when people turned a blind eye to your reality? > > Jackie, > > What did your family notice when you lived more close? Have you ever been > able to talk to someone of you're family about it? > > Of course I don't know how bad it was for you. > > my parents moved back there when they retired, I did not move with them. oh, > God, that would have been awful :-) I'm sure the relatives know something > isn't quite right with nada ..especially when she yealls and gets up and > leaves their anniversary dinner because my favorite aunt walked in late and > everyone was then talking to my aunt and not my mother.. > > At the stage I am with this, I really don't care one way or the other what > my extended family thinks. If they have suspicions or not. I know what > happened(s) and thats all that really matters. It doesn't matter to me what > they think of me, not even my favorite aunt and uncle. I do remember one > aunt saying something about not being able to do something she wanted > because my mother wouldn't like it..I said who cares if she likes it...she > looked at me horrified..so she must have had a good look at the evil one in > work. > > I often wonder if we would have been better being around our extended > family, and maybe gotten protection...but from others on this list, it's > probably more likely they'd just turn a blind eye to it, and I'd be as upset > with them as I was with nada . > > by the way, your English is fabulous and you are very easy to understand :-) > > Jackie > --------------------------------- No need to miss a message. Get email on-the-go with Yahoo! Mail for Mobile. Get started. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 11, 2007 Report Share Posted April 11, 2007 I completely understand. My family, even my dad who divorced my mom when I was a baby, turned a blind eye to what was going on. I can grasp my extended family not being as aware as they should have been, but I am having a really hard time forgiving my dad. I have started to realize ignoring abuse is also abuse. I always felt abandoned by my dad, but I did not think his doing nothing qualified as abuse. Has anyone been able to forgive and let go when people turned a blind eye to your reality? I know exactly what you're talking about, ...my dad was not divorced from my nada, he was there in the house, and yet did nothing...my siblings have not forgiven him, but I have...my dad came from an alcoholic family..that doesn't excuse letting his children get slapped around and letting them get verbaly and emotionaly abused..as our father, it was his job to keep us safe and he didn't. in his defense, though, she abused him just as much as she abused me. I know how helpless I always felt, did he feel that way too ? That there was nothing he could do ? I have spoken to him about it, and he is very remorseful about the whole situation..he still doesn't know how to stop her abuse ( now thats he's there with her alone, he gets it all) and feels bad about his kids and whats happend to us because of her... Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 11, 2007 Report Share Posted April 11, 2007 try writing him a letter...and make sure it's not accusing him of abandoning you or why he did nothing, other wise he'll just shut down...it may be his way of dealing with it...just put your feelings into it and that you're having a difficult time right now.. Jackie I keep trying to forgive him, but he won't even talk to me about the past. When I was in counseling, he wouldn't come to any sessions when my T asked him too, and he won't give me any explanation for doing nothing. Now that I'm dealing with all of my issues, I need to approach him again, I feel like I deserve some answers from him and for some reason I am terrified to talk to him about it. I feel so hurt, angry, and betrayed by him and at times it feels overwhelming. I don't understand why I don't have the courage to talk to him, why I'm so scared. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 11, 2007 Report Share Posted April 11, 2007 try writing him a letter...and make sure it's not accusing him of abandoning you or why he did nothing, other wise he'll just shut down...it may be his way of dealing with it...just put your feelings into it and that you're having a difficult time right now.. Jackie I keep trying to forgive him, but he won't even talk to me about the past. When I was in counseling, he wouldn't come to any sessions when my T asked him too, and he won't give me any explanation for doing nothing. Now that I'm dealing with all of my issues, I need to approach him again, I feel like I deserve some answers from him and for some reason I am terrified to talk to him about it. I feel so hurt, angry, and betrayed by him and at times it feels overwhelming. I don't understand why I don't have the courage to talk to him, why I'm so scared. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 11, 2007 Report Share Posted April 11, 2007 try writing him a letter...and make sure it's not accusing him of abandoning you or why he did nothing, other wise he'll just shut down...it may be his way of dealing with it...just put your feelings into it and that you're having a difficult time right now.. Jackie I keep trying to forgive him, but he won't even talk to me about the past. When I was in counseling, he wouldn't come to any sessions when my T asked him too, and he won't give me any explanation for doing nothing. Now that I'm dealing with all of my issues, I need to approach him again, I feel like I deserve some answers from him and for some reason I am terrified to talk to him about it. I feel so hurt, angry, and betrayed by him and at times it feels overwhelming. I don't understand why I don't have the courage to talk to him, why I'm so scared. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 11, 2007 Report Share Posted April 11, 2007 Hmmmm.....I apparently am still mad or upset with my dad for not fighting for me. Because I can laugh and joke about Nada, but I don't think I can talk about my dad yet. It just brings a lump to my throat. Lilly mitchell_kristin wrote: I completely understand. My family, even my dad who divorced my mom when I was a baby, turned a blind eye to what was going on. I can grasp my extended family not being as aware as they should have been, but I am having a really hard time forgiving my dad. I have started to realize ignoring abuse is also abuse. I always felt abandoned by my dad, but I did not think his doing nothing qualified as abuse. Has anyone been able to forgive and let go when people turned a blind eye to your reality? > > Jackie, > > What did your family notice when you lived more close? Have you ever been > able to talk to someone of you're family about it? > > Of course I don't know how bad it was for you. > > my parents moved back there when they retired, I did not move with them. oh, > God, that would have been awful :-) I'm sure the relatives know something > isn't quite right with nada ..especially when she yealls and gets up and > leaves their anniversary dinner because my favorite aunt walked in late and > everyone was then talking to my aunt and not my mother.. > > At the stage I am with this, I really don't care one way or the other what > my extended family thinks. If they have suspicions or not. I know what > happened(s) and thats all that really matters. It doesn't matter to me what > they think of me, not even my favorite aunt and uncle. I do remember one > aunt saying something about not being able to do something she wanted > because my mother wouldn't like it..I said who cares if she likes it...she > looked at me horrified..so she must have had a good look at the evil one in > work. > > I often wonder if we would have been better being around our extended > family, and maybe gotten protection...but from others on this list, it's > probably more likely they'd just turn a blind eye to it, and I'd be as upset > with them as I was with nada . > > by the way, your English is fabulous and you are very easy to understand :-) > > Jackie > --------------------------------- Now that's room service! Choose from over 150,000 hotels in 45,000 destinations on Yahoo! Travel to find your fit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 11, 2007 Report Share Posted April 11, 2007 Hmmmm.....I apparently am still mad or upset with my dad for not fighting for me. Because I can laugh and joke about Nada, but I don't think I can talk about my dad yet. It just brings a lump to my throat. Lilly mitchell_kristin wrote: I completely understand. My family, even my dad who divorced my mom when I was a baby, turned a blind eye to what was going on. I can grasp my extended family not being as aware as they should have been, but I am having a really hard time forgiving my dad. I have started to realize ignoring abuse is also abuse. I always felt abandoned by my dad, but I did not think his doing nothing qualified as abuse. Has anyone been able to forgive and let go when people turned a blind eye to your reality? > > Jackie, > > What did your family notice when you lived more close? Have you ever been > able to talk to someone of you're family about it? > > Of course I don't know how bad it was for you. > > my parents moved back there when they retired, I did not move with them. oh, > God, that would have been awful :-) I'm sure the relatives know something > isn't quite right with nada ..especially when she yealls and gets up and > leaves their anniversary dinner because my favorite aunt walked in late and > everyone was then talking to my aunt and not my mother.. > > At the stage I am with this, I really don't care one way or the other what > my extended family thinks. If they have suspicions or not. I know what > happened(s) and thats all that really matters. It doesn't matter to me what > they think of me, not even my favorite aunt and uncle. I do remember one > aunt saying something about not being able to do something she wanted > because my mother wouldn't like it..I said who cares if she likes it...she > looked at me horrified..so she must have had a good look at the evil one in > work. > > I often wonder if we would have been better being around our extended > family, and maybe gotten protection...but from others on this list, it's > probably more likely they'd just turn a blind eye to it, and I'd be as upset > with them as I was with nada . > > by the way, your English is fabulous and you are very easy to understand :-) > > Jackie > --------------------------------- Now that's room service! Choose from over 150,000 hotels in 45,000 destinations on Yahoo! Travel to find your fit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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