Re: Birthday Problems

[Guest guest]

-

melany i am in a similar situation. I avoid friends about birhtday

parties and dont even mention if mine is coming up. But my BF did

take me out and we had a special time together. He wants to do you

right and take you out because you are special to him. I know it

takes some getting used to with the right guy but to him something to

make you happy would make him happy becasue yo u are a part of him.

Make any sense? Dont worry so much about offending your friend. If

she is a true friend she would understand how uncomfortable it makes

you feel. There is no need to feel guilty going out for a private

dinner with your guy. A friend would be happy for you that you have

someone special to spend time with like that on your birthday. You

are lucky to have a guy who remembers your birthday too. Lots of

married women dont even get a happy birthday form thier own spouses.

Enjoy.

-- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " junkinthere "

wrote:

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> Today I'm posting up a storm! On a similar vein as the " constantly

> apologizing " thread, I have a really hard time with the whole

concept

> of other people taking care of me, or giving me attention and making

> me a priority.

>

> This problem rears its ugly head the worst around my birthday, which

> is on Sunday. I generally ignore my birthday, and often don't even

> remember it's here until someone says happy birthday to me.

>

> My best friend came to me and asked if I wanted to have a party. I

> said no, because people will have an opportunity to party at the

AIDS

> benefit on Friday that our friends put together. Really the only

> reason I would have a party would be to have a fun get together for

> and with my friends, not to celebrate me. I really have a hard time

> with the idea of a party soley for the purpose of celebrating me.

Last

> year I was almost asking people not to come to my party because I

kept

> saying if you have something else to do or need to study or

something

> please don't go out of your way to come.

>

> She also asked me if I wanted her to take me out to dinner, and I

said

> no thanks. Just because I feel weird saying yes when someone asks me

> if I want them to spend money, time and attention on me. The thing

is,

> deep down inside I do want attention and care and celebration so

> badly, but I feel like a burden to others or like I appear selfish

or

> greedy if I say " yes, please take me to dinner and plan a party " .

>

> My boyfriend just asked me what I was doing with my friends for my

> birthday, and I said I was doing nothing since I refused the party

and

> the dinner. And he said " oh good so that means I can take you to

> dinner and have you all to myself. " Then I said, " if you want to "

> because I don't want him to take me to dinner if he doesn't want to.

> Then he said " what do you mean if I want to? It's your birthday. "

>

> I think I hurt my best friend by refusing her efforts, and now it's

> probably worse since I am going out to dinner, just not with her. It

> really was about the wording, and if she hadn't asked me a question

> but rather said " I would like to take you to dinner " it would have

> been a totally different outcome.

>

> I feel like I'm so messed up in the head because often I'll say no

to

> help or attention but then be angry at myself for saying no because

I

> really wanted it, I just couldn't ask for it or admit it. Then if I

do

> say yes, I feel guilty and bad that people are going out of their

way

> for me. Does anyone else have this problem?

>

> Melany

>

[Guest guest]

-

melany i am in a similar situation. I avoid friends about birhtday

parties and dont even mention if mine is coming up. But my BF did

take me out and we had a special time together. He wants to do you

right and take you out because you are special to him. I know it

takes some getting used to with the right guy but to him something to

make you happy would make him happy becasue yo u are a part of him.

Make any sense? Dont worry so much about offending your friend. If

she is a true friend she would understand how uncomfortable it makes

you feel. There is no need to feel guilty going out for a private

dinner with your guy. A friend would be happy for you that you have

someone special to spend time with like that on your birthday. You

are lucky to have a guy who remembers your birthday too. Lots of

married women dont even get a happy birthday form thier own spouses.

Enjoy.

-- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " junkinthere "

wrote:

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> Today I'm posting up a storm! On a similar vein as the " constantly

> apologizing " thread, I have a really hard time with the whole

concept

> of other people taking care of me, or giving me attention and making

> me a priority.

>

> This problem rears its ugly head the worst around my birthday, which

> is on Sunday. I generally ignore my birthday, and often don't even

> remember it's here until someone says happy birthday to me.

>

> My best friend came to me and asked if I wanted to have a party. I

> said no, because people will have an opportunity to party at the

AIDS

> benefit on Friday that our friends put together. Really the only

> reason I would have a party would be to have a fun get together for

> and with my friends, not to celebrate me. I really have a hard time

> with the idea of a party soley for the purpose of celebrating me.

Last

> year I was almost asking people not to come to my party because I

kept

> saying if you have something else to do or need to study or

something

> please don't go out of your way to come.

>

> She also asked me if I wanted her to take me out to dinner, and I

said

> no thanks. Just because I feel weird saying yes when someone asks me

> if I want them to spend money, time and attention on me. The thing

is,

> deep down inside I do want attention and care and celebration so

> badly, but I feel like a burden to others or like I appear selfish

or

> greedy if I say " yes, please take me to dinner and plan a party " .

>

> My boyfriend just asked me what I was doing with my friends for my

> birthday, and I said I was doing nothing since I refused the party

and

> the dinner. And he said " oh good so that means I can take you to

> dinner and have you all to myself. " Then I said, " if you want to "

> because I don't want him to take me to dinner if he doesn't want to.

> Then he said " what do you mean if I want to? It's your birthday. "

>

> I think I hurt my best friend by refusing her efforts, and now it's

> probably worse since I am going out to dinner, just not with her. It

> really was about the wording, and if she hadn't asked me a question

> but rather said " I would like to take you to dinner " it would have

> been a totally different outcome.

>

> I feel like I'm so messed up in the head because often I'll say no

to

> help or attention but then be angry at myself for saying no because

I

> really wanted it, I just couldn't ask for it or admit it. Then if I

do

> say yes, I feel guilty and bad that people are going out of their

way

> for me. Does anyone else have this problem?

>

> Melany

>

[Guest guest]

-

melany i am in a similar situation. I avoid friends about birhtday

parties and dont even mention if mine is coming up. But my BF did

take me out and we had a special time together. He wants to do you

right and take you out because you are special to him. I know it

takes some getting used to with the right guy but to him something to

make you happy would make him happy becasue yo u are a part of him.

Make any sense? Dont worry so much about offending your friend. If

she is a true friend she would understand how uncomfortable it makes

you feel. There is no need to feel guilty going out for a private

dinner with your guy. A friend would be happy for you that you have

someone special to spend time with like that on your birthday. You

are lucky to have a guy who remembers your birthday too. Lots of

married women dont even get a happy birthday form thier own spouses.

Enjoy.

-- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " junkinthere "

wrote:

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> Today I'm posting up a storm! On a similar vein as the " constantly

> apologizing " thread, I have a really hard time with the whole

concept

> of other people taking care of me, or giving me attention and making

> me a priority.

>

> This problem rears its ugly head the worst around my birthday, which

> is on Sunday. I generally ignore my birthday, and often don't even

> remember it's here until someone says happy birthday to me.

>

> My best friend came to me and asked if I wanted to have a party. I

> said no, because people will have an opportunity to party at the

AIDS

> benefit on Friday that our friends put together. Really the only

> reason I would have a party would be to have a fun get together for

> and with my friends, not to celebrate me. I really have a hard time

> with the idea of a party soley for the purpose of celebrating me.

Last

> year I was almost asking people not to come to my party because I

kept

> saying if you have something else to do or need to study or

something

> please don't go out of your way to come.

>

> She also asked me if I wanted her to take me out to dinner, and I

said

> no thanks. Just because I feel weird saying yes when someone asks me

> if I want them to spend money, time and attention on me. The thing

is,

> deep down inside I do want attention and care and celebration so

> badly, but I feel like a burden to others or like I appear selfish

or

> greedy if I say " yes, please take me to dinner and plan a party " .

>

> My boyfriend just asked me what I was doing with my friends for my

> birthday, and I said I was doing nothing since I refused the party

and

> the dinner. And he said " oh good so that means I can take you to

> dinner and have you all to myself. " Then I said, " if you want to "

> because I don't want him to take me to dinner if he doesn't want to.

> Then he said " what do you mean if I want to? It's your birthday. "

>

> I think I hurt my best friend by refusing her efforts, and now it's

> probably worse since I am going out to dinner, just not with her. It

> really was about the wording, and if she hadn't asked me a question

> but rather said " I would like to take you to dinner " it would have

> been a totally different outcome.

>

> I feel like I'm so messed up in the head because often I'll say no

to

> help or attention but then be angry at myself for saying no because

I

> really wanted it, I just couldn't ask for it or admit it. Then if I

do

> say yes, I feel guilty and bad that people are going out of their

way

> for me. Does anyone else have this problem?

>

> Melany

>

[Guest guest]

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> Today I'm posting up a storm! On a similar vein as the " constantly

> apologizing " thread, I have a really hard time with the whole concept

> of other people taking care of me, or giving me attention and making

> me a priority.

>

> This problem rears its ugly head the worst around my birthday, which

> is on Sunday. I generally ignore my birthday, and often don't even

> remember it's here until someone says happy birthday to me.

>

> My best friend came to me and asked if I wanted to have a party. I

> said no, because people will have an opportunity to party at the AIDS

> benefit on Friday that our friends put together. Really the only

> reason I would have a party would be to have a fun get together for

> and with my friends, not to celebrate me. I really have a hard time

> with the idea of a party soley for the purpose of celebrating me. Last

> year I was almost asking people not to come to my party because I kept

> saying if you have something else to do or need to study or something

> please don't go out of your way to come.

>

> She also asked me if I wanted her to take me out to dinner, and I said

> no thanks. Just because I feel weird saying yes when someone asks me

> if I want them to spend money, time and attention on me. The thing is,

> deep down inside I do want attention and care and celebration so

> badly, but I feel like a burden to others or like I appear selfish or

> greedy if I say " yes, please take me to dinner and plan a party " .

>

> My boyfriend just asked me what I was doing with my friends for my

> birthday, and I said I was doing nothing since I refused the party and

> the dinner. And he said " oh good so that means I can take you to

> dinner and have you all to myself. " Then I said, " if you want to "

> because I don't want him to take me to dinner if he doesn't want to.

> Then he said " what do you mean if I want to? It's your birthday. "

>

> I think I hurt my best friend by refusing her efforts, and now it's

> probably worse since I am going out to dinner, just not with her. It

> really was about the wording, and if she hadn't asked me a question

> but rather said " I would like to take you to dinner " it would have

> been a totally different outcome.

>

> I feel like I'm so messed up in the head because often I'll say no to

> help or attention but then be angry at myself for saying no because I

> really wanted it, I just couldn't ask for it or admit it. Then if I do

> say yes, I feel guilty and bad that people are going out of their way

> for me. Does anyone else have this problem?

>

> Melany

>

[Guest guest]

[Just because I feel weird saying yes when someone asks me

if I want them to spend money, time and attention on me. The thing is,

deep down inside I do want attention and care and celebration so

badly, but I feel like a burden to others or like I appear selfish or

greedy if I say " yes, please take me to dinner and plan a party " . ]

That, in a nutshell, is how I feel about everything. I had my first

and only boyfriend at 17. Ironically I said yes because I wouldn't

want anyone to turn me down, I think it's a painful thing to do when

they worked up the courage; so, despite the fact that *I* did not

reciprocate the feelings it didn't matter, I was being cordial by

saying yes. And ontop of that, I payed for EVERYTHING of mine, and

sometimes even his. He was not allowed to treat me. I feel shitty

because I wanted him to refuse, not just let me do it, but he did. I

mean he offered to pay, and I know i'm sending mixed signals, but I

dont want to seem like i'm using people. I am always so afraid of

being accussed of " using people " . In reality, i'm pretty sure if

everyone on earth didn't exist I could live in solace with myself. But

to respond yes I understand you and I have the same situations every

year on my birthday. Unfortunately that caused a huge blowout this

past, which ended in my nada throwing my cake away but not out of

grief because she made it a point to tell everyone, including me, that

she did it. She also called me an array of ugly names on my birthday,

which was bad through and through due to lack of planning and my faith

on others, and I think I cried for 99% of the day. And at my school I

" was being selfish, it could not have been that bad. " Because they

were there right? I know exactly how you feel and i'm with you 100%! I

think you should discuss it with your friend offtopic so she knows

that about you for the future, or if you have the courage be blunt.

Dont say it relates to a previous relation but say that you know you

have this problem. Anyways, best of luck to you and I hope you have a

Happy Birthday, despite the problems that seem to be posed now!

All the best

~Randi

[Guest guest]

[Just because I feel weird saying yes when someone asks me

if I want them to spend money, time and attention on me. The thing is,

deep down inside I do want attention and care and celebration so

badly, but I feel like a burden to others or like I appear selfish or

greedy if I say " yes, please take me to dinner and plan a party " . ]

That, in a nutshell, is how I feel about everything. I had my first

and only boyfriend at 17. Ironically I said yes because I wouldn't

want anyone to turn me down, I think it's a painful thing to do when

they worked up the courage; so, despite the fact that *I* did not

reciprocate the feelings it didn't matter, I was being cordial by

saying yes. And ontop of that, I payed for EVERYTHING of mine, and

sometimes even his. He was not allowed to treat me. I feel shitty

because I wanted him to refuse, not just let me do it, but he did. I

mean he offered to pay, and I know i'm sending mixed signals, but I

dont want to seem like i'm using people. I am always so afraid of

being accussed of " using people " . In reality, i'm pretty sure if

everyone on earth didn't exist I could live in solace with myself. But

to respond yes I understand you and I have the same situations every

year on my birthday. Unfortunately that caused a huge blowout this

past, which ended in my nada throwing my cake away but not out of

grief because she made it a point to tell everyone, including me, that

she did it. She also called me an array of ugly names on my birthday,

which was bad through and through due to lack of planning and my faith

on others, and I think I cried for 99% of the day. And at my school I

" was being selfish, it could not have been that bad. " Because they

were there right? I know exactly how you feel and i'm with you 100%! I

think you should discuss it with your friend offtopic so she knows

that about you for the future, or if you have the courage be blunt.

Dont say it relates to a previous relation but say that you know you

have this problem. Anyways, best of luck to you and I hope you have a

Happy Birthday, despite the problems that seem to be posed now!

All the best

~Randi

[Guest guest]

[Just because I feel weird saying yes when someone asks me

if I want them to spend money, time and attention on me. The thing is,

deep down inside I do want attention and care and celebration so

badly, but I feel like a burden to others or like I appear selfish or

greedy if I say " yes, please take me to dinner and plan a party " . ]

That, in a nutshell, is how I feel about everything. I had my first

and only boyfriend at 17. Ironically I said yes because I wouldn't

want anyone to turn me down, I think it's a painful thing to do when

they worked up the courage; so, despite the fact that *I* did not

reciprocate the feelings it didn't matter, I was being cordial by

saying yes. And ontop of that, I payed for EVERYTHING of mine, and

sometimes even his. He was not allowed to treat me. I feel shitty

because I wanted him to refuse, not just let me do it, but he did. I

mean he offered to pay, and I know i'm sending mixed signals, but I

dont want to seem like i'm using people. I am always so afraid of

being accussed of " using people " . In reality, i'm pretty sure if

everyone on earth didn't exist I could live in solace with myself. But

to respond yes I understand you and I have the same situations every

year on my birthday. Unfortunately that caused a huge blowout this

past, which ended in my nada throwing my cake away but not out of

grief because she made it a point to tell everyone, including me, that

she did it. She also called me an array of ugly names on my birthday,

which was bad through and through due to lack of planning and my faith

on others, and I think I cried for 99% of the day. And at my school I

" was being selfish, it could not have been that bad. " Because they

were there right? I know exactly how you feel and i'm with you 100%! I

think you should discuss it with your friend offtopic so she knows

that about you for the future, or if you have the courage be blunt.

Dont say it relates to a previous relation but say that you know you

have this problem. Anyways, best of luck to you and I hope you have a

Happy Birthday, despite the problems that seem to be posed now!

All the best

~Randi

[Guest guest]

Melany,

I totally hear you!!! Next Friday is my b-day and dh keeps asking me

what I want to do. He asked me if I wanted a party and I was like

hell no, but then I was like 'why not'? I'm not normally an

indecisive person and yet when he throws out all these options at me,

I'm totally flustered...like I don't want to know. I want to

celebrate and yet I don't know how. So many of my b-days have been

screwed up by the Foo its not remotely funny. My instincts are

telling me I really want to get out of town and go this Scarborough

fair thing I opened up the state booklet to. I don't know why, but I

just do and yet I'm dropping the ball everytime dh brings it up as a

good option and I don't really know why. Like I want it to be over

and done with, but then I'll be disappointed if its sucky...like a no-

win situation...a bunch of hype for one day and yet its suppose to be

a fun day. I think getting away will be good for me and so I will

call tomorrow about hotels and such to get out of town for the night.

I just don't want to be disappointed, ya know? I guess I didn't

realize I've come to expect that on my birthday- being disappointed

rather than celebrating life- my life in particular.

I feel like this trepidation inside about making a decision on what I

want to do for my birthday. It seems so silly and yet I realize in

reading your post its sooo a KO thing. Damned if you do and damned if

you don't and no matter what someone will be disappointed. I'm

betting you are probably more direct w/your friend than you were

recently about your b-day which is maybe throwing her for a loop like

my dh or something...but its like you said, if she made the decision

for you, it would be easier b/c we don't really know how to celebrate

the day we were born and that's probably due to so much of a battle

our whole lives for our individualality w/our mothers. Wish I were

past this and yet glad to know I'm not the only one in this boat.

Happy early birthday!!!! April's a good month:) One of my good

friends in college shares your b-day and I remember surprising her

one year w/a party- that was a lot of fun!

Kerrie

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> Today I'm posting up a storm! On a similar vein as the " constantly

> apologizing " thread, I have a really hard time with the whole

concept

> of other people taking care of me, or giving me attention and making

> me a priority.

>

> This problem rears its ugly head the worst around my birthday, which

> is on Sunday. I generally ignore my birthday, and often don't even

> remember it's here until someone says happy birthday to me.

>

> My best friend came to me and asked if I wanted to have a party. I

> said no, because people will have an opportunity to party at the

AIDS

> benefit on Friday that our friends put together. Really the only

> reason I would have a party would be to have a fun get together for

> and with my friends, not to celebrate me. I really have a hard time

> with the idea of a party soley for the purpose of celebrating me.

Last

> year I was almost asking people not to come to my party because I

kept

> saying if you have something else to do or need to study or

something

> please don't go out of your way to come.

>

> She also asked me if I wanted her to take me out to dinner, and I

said

> no thanks. Just because I feel weird saying yes when someone asks me

> if I want them to spend money, time and attention on me. The thing

is,

> deep down inside I do want attention and care and celebration so

> badly, but I feel like a burden to others or like I appear selfish

or

> greedy if I say " yes, please take me to dinner and plan a party " .

>

> My boyfriend just asked me what I was doing with my friends for my

> birthday, and I said I was doing nothing since I refused the party

and

> the dinner. And he said " oh good so that means I can take you to

> dinner and have you all to myself. " Then I said, " if you want to "

> because I don't want him to take me to dinner if he doesn't want to.

> Then he said " what do you mean if I want to? It's your birthday. "

>

> I think I hurt my best friend by refusing her efforts, and now it's

> probably worse since I am going out to dinner, just not with her. It

> really was about the wording, and if she hadn't asked me a question

> but rather said " I would like to take you to dinner " it would have

> been a totally different outcome.

>

> I feel like I'm so messed up in the head because often I'll say no

to

> help or attention but then be angry at myself for saying no because

I

> really wanted it, I just couldn't ask for it or admit it. Then if I

do

> say yes, I feel guilty and bad that people are going out of their

way

> for me. Does anyone else have this problem?

>

> Melany

>

[Guest guest]

Melany,

I totally hear you!!! Next Friday is my b-day and dh keeps asking me

what I want to do. He asked me if I wanted a party and I was like

hell no, but then I was like 'why not'? I'm not normally an

indecisive person and yet when he throws out all these options at me,

I'm totally flustered...like I don't want to know. I want to

celebrate and yet I don't know how. So many of my b-days have been

screwed up by the Foo its not remotely funny. My instincts are

telling me I really want to get out of town and go this Scarborough

fair thing I opened up the state booklet to. I don't know why, but I

just do and yet I'm dropping the ball everytime dh brings it up as a

good option and I don't really know why. Like I want it to be over

and done with, but then I'll be disappointed if its sucky...like a no-

win situation...a bunch of hype for one day and yet its suppose to be

a fun day. I think getting away will be good for me and so I will

call tomorrow about hotels and such to get out of town for the night.

I just don't want to be disappointed, ya know? I guess I didn't

realize I've come to expect that on my birthday- being disappointed

rather than celebrating life- my life in particular.

I feel like this trepidation inside about making a decision on what I

want to do for my birthday. It seems so silly and yet I realize in

reading your post its sooo a KO thing. Damned if you do and damned if

you don't and no matter what someone will be disappointed. I'm

betting you are probably more direct w/your friend than you were

recently about your b-day which is maybe throwing her for a loop like

my dh or something...but its like you said, if she made the decision

for you, it would be easier b/c we don't really know how to celebrate

the day we were born and that's probably due to so much of a battle

our whole lives for our individualality w/our mothers. Wish I were

past this and yet glad to know I'm not the only one in this boat.

Happy early birthday!!!! April's a good month:) One of my good

friends in college shares your b-day and I remember surprising her

one year w/a party- that was a lot of fun!

Kerrie

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> Today I'm posting up a storm! On a similar vein as the " constantly

> apologizing " thread, I have a really hard time with the whole

concept

> of other people taking care of me, or giving me attention and making

> me a priority.

>

> This problem rears its ugly head the worst around my birthday, which

> is on Sunday. I generally ignore my birthday, and often don't even

> remember it's here until someone says happy birthday to me.

>

> My best friend came to me and asked if I wanted to have a party. I

> said no, because people will have an opportunity to party at the

AIDS

> benefit on Friday that our friends put together. Really the only

> reason I would have a party would be to have a fun get together for

> and with my friends, not to celebrate me. I really have a hard time

> with the idea of a party soley for the purpose of celebrating me.

Last

> year I was almost asking people not to come to my party because I

kept

> saying if you have something else to do or need to study or

something

> please don't go out of your way to come.

>

> She also asked me if I wanted her to take me out to dinner, and I

said

> no thanks. Just because I feel weird saying yes when someone asks me

> if I want them to spend money, time and attention on me. The thing

is,

> deep down inside I do want attention and care and celebration so

> badly, but I feel like a burden to others or like I appear selfish

or

> greedy if I say " yes, please take me to dinner and plan a party " .

>

> My boyfriend just asked me what I was doing with my friends for my

> birthday, and I said I was doing nothing since I refused the party

and

> the dinner. And he said " oh good so that means I can take you to

> dinner and have you all to myself. " Then I said, " if you want to "

> because I don't want him to take me to dinner if he doesn't want to.

> Then he said " what do you mean if I want to? It's your birthday. "

>

> I think I hurt my best friend by refusing her efforts, and now it's

> probably worse since I am going out to dinner, just not with her. It

> really was about the wording, and if she hadn't asked me a question

> but rather said " I would like to take you to dinner " it would have

> been a totally different outcome.

>

> I feel like I'm so messed up in the head because often I'll say no

to

> help or attention but then be angry at myself for saying no because

I

> really wanted it, I just couldn't ask for it or admit it. Then if I

do

> say yes, I feel guilty and bad that people are going out of their

way

> for me. Does anyone else have this problem?

>

> Melany

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Melany,

No, you're not alone. I have a really hard time celebrating

things. I try not to make my birthday a big deal, and I wasn't even

able to handle having a wedding reception (more FOO issues there, of

course). Is it because I learned to expect to be attacked whenever

my mother sensed that I was happy?

Another thing I hate is that I have a hard time enjoying holidays -

anyone else out there with this problem?

Sara

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> Today I'm posting up a storm! On a similar vein as the " constantly

> apologizing " thread, I have a really hard time with the whole

concept

> of other people taking care of me, or giving me attention and

making

> me a priority.

>

> This problem rears its ugly head the worst around my birthday,

which

> is on Sunday. I generally ignore my birthday, and often don't even

> remember it's here until someone says happy birthday to me.

>

> My best friend came to me and asked if I wanted to have a party. I

> said no, because people will have an opportunity to party at the

AIDS

> benefit on Friday that our friends put together. Really the only

> reason I would have a party would be to have a fun get together for

> and with my friends, not to celebrate me. I really have a hard time

> with the idea of a party soley for the purpose of celebrating me.

Last

> year I was almost asking people not to come to my party because I

kept

> saying if you have something else to do or need to study or

something

> please don't go out of your way to come.

>

> She also asked me if I wanted her to take me out to dinner, and I

said

> no thanks. Just because I feel weird saying yes when someone asks

me

> if I want them to spend money, time and attention on me. The thing

is,

> deep down inside I do want attention and care and celebration so

> badly, but I feel like a burden to others or like I appear selfish

or

> greedy if I say " yes, please take me to dinner and plan a party " .

>

> My boyfriend just asked me what I was doing with my friends for my

> birthday, and I said I was doing nothing since I refused the party

and

> the dinner. And he said " oh good so that means I can take you to

> dinner and have you all to myself. " Then I said, " if you want to "

> because I don't want him to take me to dinner if he doesn't want

to.

> Then he said " what do you mean if I want to? It's your birthday. "

>

> I think I hurt my best friend by refusing her efforts, and now it's

> probably worse since I am going out to dinner, just not with her.

It

> really was about the wording, and if she hadn't asked me a question

> but rather said " I would like to take you to dinner " it would have

> been a totally different outcome.

>

> I feel like I'm so messed up in the head because often I'll say no

to

> help or attention but then be angry at myself for saying no

because I

> really wanted it, I just couldn't ask for it or admit it. Then if

I do

> say yes, I feel guilty and bad that people are going out of their

way

> for me. Does anyone else have this problem?

>

> Melany

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Melany,

Sure, I have this problem. It is getting better though. It goes

back to our childhood programming - no one was supposed to get any

attention except nada, right? We were selfish, she was deserving

(what crap!). About how your friend gave the invitation, I

understand the diferentiation in the different ways she could have

asked. I think as KOs we are extra extra sensitive about this

stuff, as we always try to say the right thing in the right way -

BUT - other people are really not so concerned with every word they

say. Part of our healing is understanding the different ways other

people view the same situation.

Here is my suggestion to you, The next time someone offers to do

something nice for you, give them a response something like this -

" Thank you, that would be so nice. " And then you can follow with

another statement like - " It is great to have such a nice friend "

or " This will be alot of fun " .

We hurt from the lack of this kind of caring, and we have to learn

how to accept it from the people who love and care for us. And, by

the way, try to do something nice for yourself each day, too.

Take care,

Sylvia

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> Today I'm posting up a storm! On a similar vein as the " constantly

> apologizing " thread, I have a really hard time with the whole

concept

> of other people taking care of me, or giving me attention and

making

> me a priority.

>

> This problem rears its ugly head the worst around my birthday,

which

> is on Sunday. I generally ignore my birthday, and often don't even

> remember it's here until someone says happy birthday to me.

>

> My best friend came to me and asked if I wanted to have a party. I

> said no, because people will have an opportunity to party at the

AIDS

> benefit on Friday that our friends put together. Really the only

> reason I would have a party would be to have a fun get together for

> and with my friends, not to celebrate me. I really have a hard time

> with the idea of a party soley for the purpose of celebrating me.

Last

> year I was almost asking people not to come to my party because I

kept

> saying if you have something else to do or need to study or

something

> please don't go out of your way to come.

>

> She also asked me if I wanted her to take me out to dinner, and I

said

> no thanks. Just because I feel weird saying yes when someone asks

me

> if I want them to spend money, time and attention on me. The thing

is,

> deep down inside I do want attention and care and celebration so

> badly, but I feel like a burden to others or like I appear selfish

or

> greedy if I say " yes, please take me to dinner and plan a party " .

>

> My boyfriend just asked me what I was doing with my friends for my

> birthday, and I said I was doing nothing since I refused the party

and

> the dinner. And he said " oh good so that means I can take you to

> dinner and have you all to myself. " Then I said, " if you want to "

> because I don't want him to take me to dinner if he doesn't want

to.

> Then he said " what do you mean if I want to? It's your birthday. "

>

> I think I hurt my best friend by refusing her efforts, and now it's

> probably worse since I am going out to dinner, just not with her.

It

> really was about the wording, and if she hadn't asked me a question

> but rather said " I would like to take you to dinner " it would have

> been a totally different outcome.

>

> I feel like I'm so messed up in the head because often I'll say no

to

> help or attention but then be angry at myself for saying no

because I

> really wanted it, I just couldn't ask for it or admit it. Then if

I do

> say yes, I feel guilty and bad that people are going out of their

way

> for me. Does anyone else have this problem?

>

> Melany

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Melany,

Sure, I have this problem. It is getting better though. It goes

back to our childhood programming - no one was supposed to get any

attention except nada, right? We were selfish, she was deserving

(what crap!). About how your friend gave the invitation, I

understand the diferentiation in the different ways she could have

asked. I think as KOs we are extra extra sensitive about this

stuff, as we always try to say the right thing in the right way -

BUT - other people are really not so concerned with every word they

say. Part of our healing is understanding the different ways other

people view the same situation.

Here is my suggestion to you, The next time someone offers to do

something nice for you, give them a response something like this -

" Thank you, that would be so nice. " And then you can follow with

another statement like - " It is great to have such a nice friend "

or " This will be alot of fun " .

We hurt from the lack of this kind of caring, and we have to learn

how to accept it from the people who love and care for us. And, by

the way, try to do something nice for yourself each day, too.

Take care,

Sylvia

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> Today I'm posting up a storm! On a similar vein as the " constantly

> apologizing " thread, I have a really hard time with the whole

concept

> of other people taking care of me, or giving me attention and

making

> me a priority.

>

> This problem rears its ugly head the worst around my birthday,

which

> is on Sunday. I generally ignore my birthday, and often don't even

> remember it's here until someone says happy birthday to me.

>

> My best friend came to me and asked if I wanted to have a party. I

> said no, because people will have an opportunity to party at the

AIDS

> benefit on Friday that our friends put together. Really the only

> reason I would have a party would be to have a fun get together for

> and with my friends, not to celebrate me. I really have a hard time

> with the idea of a party soley for the purpose of celebrating me.

Last

> year I was almost asking people not to come to my party because I

kept

> saying if you have something else to do or need to study or

something

> please don't go out of your way to come.

>

> She also asked me if I wanted her to take me out to dinner, and I

said

> no thanks. Just because I feel weird saying yes when someone asks

me

> if I want them to spend money, time and attention on me. The thing

is,

> deep down inside I do want attention and care and celebration so

> badly, but I feel like a burden to others or like I appear selfish

or

> greedy if I say " yes, please take me to dinner and plan a party " .

>

> My boyfriend just asked me what I was doing with my friends for my

> birthday, and I said I was doing nothing since I refused the party

and

> the dinner. And he said " oh good so that means I can take you to

> dinner and have you all to myself. " Then I said, " if you want to "

> because I don't want him to take me to dinner if he doesn't want

to.

> Then he said " what do you mean if I want to? It's your birthday. "

>

> I think I hurt my best friend by refusing her efforts, and now it's

> probably worse since I am going out to dinner, just not with her.

It

> really was about the wording, and if she hadn't asked me a question

> but rather said " I would like to take you to dinner " it would have

> been a totally different outcome.

>

> I feel like I'm so messed up in the head because often I'll say no

to

> help or attention but then be angry at myself for saying no

because I

> really wanted it, I just couldn't ask for it or admit it. Then if

I do

> say yes, I feel guilty and bad that people are going out of their

way

> for me. Does anyone else have this problem?

>

> Melany

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Melany,

Sure, I have this problem. It is getting better though. It goes

back to our childhood programming - no one was supposed to get any

attention except nada, right? We were selfish, she was deserving

(what crap!). About how your friend gave the invitation, I

understand the diferentiation in the different ways she could have

asked. I think as KOs we are extra extra sensitive about this

stuff, as we always try to say the right thing in the right way -

BUT - other people are really not so concerned with every word they

say. Part of our healing is understanding the different ways other

people view the same situation.

Here is my suggestion to you, The next time someone offers to do

something nice for you, give them a response something like this -

" Thank you, that would be so nice. " And then you can follow with

another statement like - " It is great to have such a nice friend "

or " This will be alot of fun " .

We hurt from the lack of this kind of caring, and we have to learn

how to accept it from the people who love and care for us. And, by

the way, try to do something nice for yourself each day, too.

Take care,

Sylvia

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> Today I'm posting up a storm! On a similar vein as the " constantly

> apologizing " thread, I have a really hard time with the whole

concept

> of other people taking care of me, or giving me attention and

making

> me a priority.

>

> This problem rears its ugly head the worst around my birthday,

which

> is on Sunday. I generally ignore my birthday, and often don't even

> remember it's here until someone says happy birthday to me.

>

> My best friend came to me and asked if I wanted to have a party. I

> said no, because people will have an opportunity to party at the

AIDS

> benefit on Friday that our friends put together. Really the only

> reason I would have a party would be to have a fun get together for

> and with my friends, not to celebrate me. I really have a hard time

> with the idea of a party soley for the purpose of celebrating me.

Last

> year I was almost asking people not to come to my party because I

kept

> saying if you have something else to do or need to study or

something

> please don't go out of your way to come.

>

> She also asked me if I wanted her to take me out to dinner, and I

said

> no thanks. Just because I feel weird saying yes when someone asks

me

> if I want them to spend money, time and attention on me. The thing

is,

> deep down inside I do want attention and care and celebration so

> badly, but I feel like a burden to others or like I appear selfish

or

> greedy if I say " yes, please take me to dinner and plan a party " .

>

> My boyfriend just asked me what I was doing with my friends for my

> birthday, and I said I was doing nothing since I refused the party

and

> the dinner. And he said " oh good so that means I can take you to

> dinner and have you all to myself. " Then I said, " if you want to "

> because I don't want him to take me to dinner if he doesn't want

to.

> Then he said " what do you mean if I want to? It's your birthday. "

>

> I think I hurt my best friend by refusing her efforts, and now it's

> probably worse since I am going out to dinner, just not with her.

It

> really was about the wording, and if she hadn't asked me a question

> but rather said " I would like to take you to dinner " it would have

> been a totally different outcome.

>

> I feel like I'm so messed up in the head because often I'll say no

to

> help or attention but then be angry at myself for saying no

because I

> really wanted it, I just couldn't ask for it or admit it. Then if

I do

> say yes, I feel guilty and bad that people are going out of their

way

> for me. Does anyone else have this problem?

>

> Melany

>

[Guest guest]

She also asked me if I wanted her to take me out to dinner, and I said

no thanks. Just because I feel weird saying yes when someone asks me

if I want them to spend money, time and attention on me. The thing is,

deep down inside I do want attention and care and celebration so

badly, but I feel like a burden to others or like I appear selfish or

greedy if I say " yes, please take me to dinner and plan a party " .

I feel like I'm so messed up in the head because often I'll say no to

help or attention but then be angry at myself for saying no because I

really wanted it, I just couldn't ask for it or admit it. Then if I do

say yes, I feel guilty and bad that people are going out of their way

for me. Does anyone else have this problem?

Melany

this was exactly how I was 2 years ago...it's been a struggle, but I'm

starting to get myself changed...

Jackie

[Guest guest]

She also asked me if I wanted her to take me out to dinner, and I said

no thanks. Just because I feel weird saying yes when someone asks me

if I want them to spend money, time and attention on me. The thing is,

deep down inside I do want attention and care and celebration so

badly, but I feel like a burden to others or like I appear selfish or

greedy if I say " yes, please take me to dinner and plan a party " .

I feel like I'm so messed up in the head because often I'll say no to

help or attention but then be angry at myself for saying no because I

really wanted it, I just couldn't ask for it or admit it. Then if I do

say yes, I feel guilty and bad that people are going out of their way

for me. Does anyone else have this problem?

Melany

this was exactly how I was 2 years ago...it's been a struggle, but I'm

starting to get myself changed...

Jackie

[Guest guest]

She also asked me if I wanted her to take me out to dinner, and I said

no thanks. Just because I feel weird saying yes when someone asks me

if I want them to spend money, time and attention on me. The thing is,

deep down inside I do want attention and care and celebration so

badly, but I feel like a burden to others or like I appear selfish or

greedy if I say " yes, please take me to dinner and plan a party " .

I feel like I'm so messed up in the head because often I'll say no to

help or attention but then be angry at myself for saying no because I

really wanted it, I just couldn't ask for it or admit it. Then if I do

say yes, I feel guilty and bad that people are going out of their way

for me. Does anyone else have this problem?

Melany

this was exactly how I was 2 years ago...it's been a struggle, but I'm

starting to get myself changed...

Jackie

[Guest guest]

Another thing I hate is that I have a hard time enjoying holidays -

anyone else out there with this problem?

Sara

Christmas and Thanksgiving were horrible holidays when I was a kid...and the

damage that was done has taken a long time to heal so I can sort of like

the holidays now...

Jackie

[Guest guest]

Another thing I hate is that I have a hard time enjoying holidays -

anyone else out there with this problem?

Sara

Christmas and Thanksgiving were horrible holidays when I was a kid...and the

damage that was done has taken a long time to heal so I can sort of like

the holidays now...

Jackie

[Guest guest]

Another thing I hate is that I have a hard time enjoying holidays -

anyone else out there with this problem?

Sara

Christmas and Thanksgiving were horrible holidays when I was a kid...and the

damage that was done has taken a long time to heal so I can sort of like

the holidays now...

Jackie

[Guest guest]

Totaly on the holiday thing. My birthday was my Nada's fav. time to get in a

huge fight with my dad and threaten to divorce him! Oh look they are gettin

divorced again, it must be my birthday. '

Though she did love Halloween, she would make us costumes(really nice ones)

and she was happy and Halloween was allways a freat time! Still my fav. my

fiance and i go all out for the kids!

Lilly

sage153 wrote:

Hi Melany,

No, you're not alone. I have a really hard time celebrating

things. I try not to make my birthday a big deal, and I wasn't even

able to handle having a wedding reception (more FOO issues there, of

course). Is it because I learned to expect to be attacked whenever

my mother sensed that I was happy?

Another thing I hate is that I have a hard time enjoying holidays -

anyone else out there with this problem?

Sara

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> Today I'm posting up a storm! On a similar vein as the " constantly

> apologizing " thread, I have a really hard time with the whole

concept

> of other people taking care of me, or giving me attention and

making

> me a priority.

>

> This problem rears its ugly head the worst around my birthday,

which

> is on Sunday. I generally ignore my birthday, and often don't even

> remember it's here until someone says happy birthday to me.

>

> My best friend came to me and asked if I wanted to have a party. I

> said no, because people will have an opportunity to party at the

AIDS

> benefit on Friday that our friends put together. Really the only

> reason I would have a party would be to have a fun get together for

> and with my friends, not to celebrate me. I really have a hard time

> with the idea of a party soley for the purpose of celebrating me.

Last

> year I was almost asking people not to come to my party because I

kept

> saying if you have something else to do or need to study or

something

> please don't go out of your way to come.

>

> She also asked me if I wanted her to take me out to dinner, and I

said

> no thanks. Just because I feel weird saying yes when someone asks

me

> if I want them to spend money, time and attention on me. The thing

is,

> deep down inside I do want attention and care and celebration so

> badly, but I feel like a burden to others or like I appear selfish

or

> greedy if I say " yes, please take me to dinner and plan a party " .

>

> My boyfriend just asked me what I was doing with my friends for my

> birthday, and I said I was doing nothing since I refused the party

and

> the dinner. And he said " oh good so that means I can take you to

> dinner and have you all to myself. " Then I said, " if you want to "

> because I don't want him to take me to dinner if he doesn't want

to.

> Then he said " what do you mean if I want to? It's your birthday. "

>

> I think I hurt my best friend by refusing her efforts, and now it's

> probably worse since I am going out to dinner, just not with her.

It

> really was about the wording, and if she hadn't asked me a question

> but rather said " I would like to take you to dinner " it would have

> been a totally different outcome.

>

> I feel like I'm so messed up in the head because often I'll say no

to

> help or attention but then be angry at myself for saying no

because I

> really wanted it, I just couldn't ask for it or admit it. Then if

I do

> say yes, I feel guilty and bad that people are going out of their

way

> for me. Does anyone else have this problem?

>

> Melany

>

---------------------------------

Ahhh...imagining that irresistible " new car " smell?

Check outnew cars at Yahoo! Autos.

[Guest guest]

Totaly on the holiday thing. My birthday was my Nada's fav. time to get in a

huge fight with my dad and threaten to divorce him! Oh look they are gettin

divorced again, it must be my birthday. '

Though she did love Halloween, she would make us costumes(really nice ones)

and she was happy and Halloween was allways a freat time! Still my fav. my

fiance and i go all out for the kids!

Lilly

sage153 wrote:

Hi Melany,

No, you're not alone. I have a really hard time celebrating

things. I try not to make my birthday a big deal, and I wasn't even

able to handle having a wedding reception (more FOO issues there, of

course). Is it because I learned to expect to be attacked whenever

my mother sensed that I was happy?

Another thing I hate is that I have a hard time enjoying holidays -

anyone else out there with this problem?

Sara

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> Today I'm posting up a storm! On a similar vein as the " constantly

> apologizing " thread, I have a really hard time with the whole

concept

> of other people taking care of me, or giving me attention and

making

> me a priority.

>

> This problem rears its ugly head the worst around my birthday,

which

> is on Sunday. I generally ignore my birthday, and often don't even

> remember it's here until someone says happy birthday to me.

>

> My best friend came to me and asked if I wanted to have a party. I

> said no, because people will have an opportunity to party at the

AIDS

> benefit on Friday that our friends put together. Really the only

> reason I would have a party would be to have a fun get together for

> and with my friends, not to celebrate me. I really have a hard time

> with the idea of a party soley for the purpose of celebrating me.

Last

> year I was almost asking people not to come to my party because I

kept

> saying if you have something else to do or need to study or

something

> please don't go out of your way to come.

>

> She also asked me if I wanted her to take me out to dinner, and I

said

> no thanks. Just because I feel weird saying yes when someone asks

me

> if I want them to spend money, time and attention on me. The thing

is,

> deep down inside I do want attention and care and celebration so

> badly, but I feel like a burden to others or like I appear selfish

or

> greedy if I say " yes, please take me to dinner and plan a party " .

>

> My boyfriend just asked me what I was doing with my friends for my

> birthday, and I said I was doing nothing since I refused the party

and

> the dinner. And he said " oh good so that means I can take you to

> dinner and have you all to myself. " Then I said, " if you want to "

> because I don't want him to take me to dinner if he doesn't want

to.

> Then he said " what do you mean if I want to? It's your birthday. "

>

> I think I hurt my best friend by refusing her efforts, and now it's

> probably worse since I am going out to dinner, just not with her.

It

> really was about the wording, and if she hadn't asked me a question

> but rather said " I would like to take you to dinner " it would have

> been a totally different outcome.

>

> I feel like I'm so messed up in the head because often I'll say no

to

> help or attention but then be angry at myself for saying no

because I

> really wanted it, I just couldn't ask for it or admit it. Then if

I do

> say yes, I feel guilty and bad that people are going out of their

way

> for me. Does anyone else have this problem?

>

> Melany

>

---------------------------------

Ahhh...imagining that irresistible " new car " smell?

Check outnew cars at Yahoo! Autos.

[Guest guest]

Totaly on the holiday thing. My birthday was my Nada's fav. time to get in a

huge fight with my dad and threaten to divorce him! Oh look they are gettin

divorced again, it must be my birthday. '

Though she did love Halloween, she would make us costumes(really nice ones)

and she was happy and Halloween was allways a freat time! Still my fav. my

fiance and i go all out for the kids!

Lilly

sage153 wrote:

Hi Melany,

No, you're not alone. I have a really hard time celebrating

things. I try not to make my birthday a big deal, and I wasn't even

able to handle having a wedding reception (more FOO issues there, of

course). Is it because I learned to expect to be attacked whenever

my mother sensed that I was happy?

Another thing I hate is that I have a hard time enjoying holidays -

anyone else out there with this problem?

Sara

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> Today I'm posting up a storm! On a similar vein as the " constantly

> apologizing " thread, I have a really hard time with the whole

concept

> of other people taking care of me, or giving me attention and

making

> me a priority.

>

> This problem rears its ugly head the worst around my birthday,

which

> is on Sunday. I generally ignore my birthday, and often don't even

> remember it's here until someone says happy birthday to me.

>

> My best friend came to me and asked if I wanted to have a party. I

> said no, because people will have an opportunity to party at the

AIDS

> benefit on Friday that our friends put together. Really the only

> reason I would have a party would be to have a fun get together for

> and with my friends, not to celebrate me. I really have a hard time

> with the idea of a party soley for the purpose of celebrating me.

Last

> year I was almost asking people not to come to my party because I

kept

> saying if you have something else to do or need to study or

something

> please don't go out of your way to come.

>

> She also asked me if I wanted her to take me out to dinner, and I

said

> no thanks. Just because I feel weird saying yes when someone asks

me

> if I want them to spend money, time and attention on me. The thing

is,

> deep down inside I do want attention and care and celebration so

> badly, but I feel like a burden to others or like I appear selfish

or

> greedy if I say " yes, please take me to dinner and plan a party " .

>

> My boyfriend just asked me what I was doing with my friends for my

> birthday, and I said I was doing nothing since I refused the party

and

> the dinner. And he said " oh good so that means I can take you to

> dinner and have you all to myself. " Then I said, " if you want to "

> because I don't want him to take me to dinner if he doesn't want

to.

> Then he said " what do you mean if I want to? It's your birthday. "

>

> I think I hurt my best friend by refusing her efforts, and now it's

> probably worse since I am going out to dinner, just not with her.

It

> really was about the wording, and if she hadn't asked me a question

> but rather said " I would like to take you to dinner " it would have

> been a totally different outcome.

>

> I feel like I'm so messed up in the head because often I'll say no

to

> help or attention but then be angry at myself for saying no

because I

> really wanted it, I just couldn't ask for it or admit it. Then if

I do

> say yes, I feel guilty and bad that people are going out of their

way

> for me. Does anyone else have this problem?

>

> Melany

>

---------------------------------

Ahhh...imagining that irresistible " new car " smell?

Check outnew cars at Yahoo! Autos.

[Guest guest]

Why not just go for it with no expectations???? It can't possibly be worse then

the b-days we had as kids. Even if it doesn't go according to plan at least you

know that you dh was coming from a place of love and caring. When you look at

it that way it doesn't matter how it goes. For my b-day this year my fiance set

up a suprise party for me at this place where you can eat and play tons of

games. Kind of like Chucky Cheese but for adults. I got really sick and the

party had to be cancled. But, I felt so good that he had even thought to do

something for me.

Kerrie wrote: Melany,

I totally hear you!!! Next Friday is my b-day and dh keeps asking me

what I want to do. He asked me if I wanted a party and I was like

hell no, but then I was like 'why not'? I'm not normally an

indecisive person and yet when he throws out all these options at me,

I'm totally flustered...like I don't want to know. I want to

celebrate and yet I don't know how. So many of my b-days have been

screwed up by the Foo its not remotely funny. My instincts are

telling me I really want to get out of town and go this Scarborough

fair thing I opened up the state booklet to. I don't know why, but I

just do and yet I'm dropping the ball everytime dh brings it up as a

good option and I don't really know why. Like I want it to be over

and done with, but then I'll be disappointed if its sucky...like a no-

win situation...a bunch of hype for one day and yet its suppose to be

a fun day. I think getting away will be good for me and so I will

call tomorrow about hotels and such to get out of town for the night.

I just don't want to be disappointed, ya know? I guess I didn't

realize I've come to expect that on my birthday- being disappointed

rather than celebrating life- my life in particular.

I feel like this trepidation inside about making a decision on what I

want to do for my birthday. It seems so silly and yet I realize in

reading your post its sooo a KO thing. Damned if you do and damned if

you don't and no matter what someone will be disappointed. I'm

betting you are probably more direct w/your friend than you were

recently about your b-day which is maybe throwing her for a loop like

my dh or something...but its like you said, if she made the decision

for you, it would be easier b/c we don't really know how to celebrate

the day we were born and that's probably due to so much of a battle

our whole lives for our individualality w/our mothers. Wish I were

past this and yet glad to know I'm not the only one in this boat.

Happy early birthday!!!! April's a good month:) One of my good

friends in college shares your b-day and I remember surprising her

one year w/a party- that was a lot of fun!

Kerrie

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> Today I'm posting up a storm! On a similar vein as the " constantly

> apologizing " thread, I have a really hard time with the whole

concept

> of other people taking care of me, or giving me attention and making

> me a priority.

>

> This problem rears its ugly head the worst around my birthday, which

> is on Sunday. I generally ignore my birthday, and often don't even

> remember it's here until someone says happy birthday to me.

>

> My best friend came to me and asked if I wanted to have a party. I

> said no, because people will have an opportunity to party at the

AIDS

> benefit on Friday that our friends put together. Really the only

> reason I would have a party would be to have a fun get together for

> and with my friends, not to celebrate me. I really have a hard time

> with the idea of a party soley for the purpose of celebrating me.

Last

> year I was almost asking people not to come to my party because I

kept

> saying if you have something else to do or need to study or

something

> please don't go out of your way to come.

>

> She also asked me if I wanted her to take me out to dinner, and I

said

> no thanks. Just because I feel weird saying yes when someone asks me

> if I want them to spend money, time and attention on me. The thing

is,

> deep down inside I do want attention and care and celebration so

> badly, but I feel like a burden to others or like I appear selfish

or

> greedy if I say " yes, please take me to dinner and plan a party " .

>

> My boyfriend just asked me what I was doing with my friends for my

> birthday, and I said I was doing nothing since I refused the party

and

> the dinner. And he said " oh good so that means I can take you to

> dinner and have you all to myself. " Then I said, " if you want to "

> because I don't want him to take me to dinner if he doesn't want to.

> Then he said " what do you mean if I want to? It's your birthday. "

>

> I think I hurt my best friend by refusing her efforts, and now it's

> probably worse since I am going out to dinner, just not with her. It

> really was about the wording, and if she hadn't asked me a question

> but rather said " I would like to take you to dinner " it would have

> been a totally different outcome.

>

> I feel like I'm so messed up in the head because often I'll say no

to

> help or attention but then be angry at myself for saying no because

I

> really wanted it, I just couldn't ask for it or admit it. Then if I

do

> say yes, I feel guilty and bad that people are going out of their

way

> for me. Does anyone else have this problem?

>

> Melany

>

---------------------------------

Ahhh...imagining that irresistible " new car " smell?

Check outnew cars at Yahoo! Autos.

[Guest guest]

Why not just go for it with no expectations???? It can't possibly be worse then

the b-days we had as kids. Even if it doesn't go according to plan at least you

know that you dh was coming from a place of love and caring. When you look at

it that way it doesn't matter how it goes. For my b-day this year my fiance set

up a suprise party for me at this place where you can eat and play tons of

games. Kind of like Chucky Cheese but for adults. I got really sick and the

party had to be cancled. But, I felt so good that he had even thought to do

something for me.

Kerrie wrote: Melany,

I totally hear you!!! Next Friday is my b-day and dh keeps asking me

what I want to do. He asked me if I wanted a party and I was like

hell no, but then I was like 'why not'? I'm not normally an

indecisive person and yet when he throws out all these options at me,

I'm totally flustered...like I don't want to know. I want to

celebrate and yet I don't know how. So many of my b-days have been

screwed up by the Foo its not remotely funny. My instincts are

telling me I really want to get out of town and go this Scarborough

fair thing I opened up the state booklet to. I don't know why, but I

just do and yet I'm dropping the ball everytime dh brings it up as a

good option and I don't really know why. Like I want it to be over

and done with, but then I'll be disappointed if its sucky...like a no-

win situation...a bunch of hype for one day and yet its suppose to be

a fun day. I think getting away will be good for me and so I will

call tomorrow about hotels and such to get out of town for the night.

I just don't want to be disappointed, ya know? I guess I didn't

realize I've come to expect that on my birthday- being disappointed

rather than celebrating life- my life in particular.

I feel like this trepidation inside about making a decision on what I

want to do for my birthday. It seems so silly and yet I realize in

reading your post its sooo a KO thing. Damned if you do and damned if

you don't and no matter what someone will be disappointed. I'm

betting you are probably more direct w/your friend than you were

recently about your b-day which is maybe throwing her for a loop like

my dh or something...but its like you said, if she made the decision

for you, it would be easier b/c we don't really know how to celebrate

the day we were born and that's probably due to so much of a battle

our whole lives for our individualality w/our mothers. Wish I were

past this and yet glad to know I'm not the only one in this boat.

Happy early birthday!!!! April's a good month:) One of my good

friends in college shares your b-day and I remember surprising her

one year w/a party- that was a lot of fun!

Kerrie

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> Today I'm posting up a storm! On a similar vein as the " constantly

> apologizing " thread, I have a really hard time with the whole

concept

> of other people taking care of me, or giving me attention and making

> me a priority.

>

> This problem rears its ugly head the worst around my birthday, which

> is on Sunday. I generally ignore my birthday, and often don't even

> remember it's here until someone says happy birthday to me.

>

> My best friend came to me and asked if I wanted to have a party. I

> said no, because people will have an opportunity to party at the

AIDS

> benefit on Friday that our friends put together. Really the only

> reason I would have a party would be to have a fun get together for

> and with my friends, not to celebrate me. I really have a hard time

> with the idea of a party soley for the purpose of celebrating me.

Last

> year I was almost asking people not to come to my party because I

kept

> saying if you have something else to do or need to study or

something

> please don't go out of your way to come.

>

> She also asked me if I wanted her to take me out to dinner, and I

said

> no thanks. Just because I feel weird saying yes when someone asks me

> if I want them to spend money, time and attention on me. The thing

is,

> deep down inside I do want attention and care and celebration so

> badly, but I feel like a burden to others or like I appear selfish

or

> greedy if I say " yes, please take me to dinner and plan a party " .

>

> My boyfriend just asked me what I was doing with my friends for my

> birthday, and I said I was doing nothing since I refused the party

and

> the dinner. And he said " oh good so that means I can take you to

> dinner and have you all to myself. " Then I said, " if you want to "

> because I don't want him to take me to dinner if he doesn't want to.

> Then he said " what do you mean if I want to? It's your birthday. "

>

> I think I hurt my best friend by refusing her efforts, and now it's

> probably worse since I am going out to dinner, just not with her. It

> really was about the wording, and if she hadn't asked me a question

> but rather said " I would like to take you to dinner " it would have

> been a totally different outcome.

>

> I feel like I'm so messed up in the head because often I'll say no

to

> help or attention but then be angry at myself for saying no because

I

> really wanted it, I just couldn't ask for it or admit it. Then if I

do

> say yes, I feel guilty and bad that people are going out of their

way

> for me. Does anyone else have this problem?

>

> Melany

>

---------------------------------

Ahhh...imagining that irresistible " new car " smell?

Check outnew cars at Yahoo! Autos.

[Guest guest]

Why not just go for it with no expectations???? It can't possibly be worse then

the b-days we had as kids. Even if it doesn't go according to plan at least you

know that you dh was coming from a place of love and caring. When you look at

it that way it doesn't matter how it goes. For my b-day this year my fiance set

up a suprise party for me at this place where you can eat and play tons of

games. Kind of like Chucky Cheese but for adults. I got really sick and the

party had to be cancled. But, I felt so good that he had even thought to do

something for me.

Kerrie wrote: Melany,

I totally hear you!!! Next Friday is my b-day and dh keeps asking me

what I want to do. He asked me if I wanted a party and I was like

hell no, but then I was like 'why not'? I'm not normally an

indecisive person and yet when he throws out all these options at me,

I'm totally flustered...like I don't want to know. I want to

celebrate and yet I don't know how. So many of my b-days have been

screwed up by the Foo its not remotely funny. My instincts are

telling me I really want to get out of town and go this Scarborough

fair thing I opened up the state booklet to. I don't know why, but I

just do and yet I'm dropping the ball everytime dh brings it up as a

good option and I don't really know why. Like I want it to be over

and done with, but then I'll be disappointed if its sucky...like a no-

win situation...a bunch of hype for one day and yet its suppose to be

a fun day. I think getting away will be good for me and so I will

call tomorrow about hotels and such to get out of town for the night.

I just don't want to be disappointed, ya know? I guess I didn't

realize I've come to expect that on my birthday- being disappointed

rather than celebrating life- my life in particular.

I feel like this trepidation inside about making a decision on what I

want to do for my birthday. It seems so silly and yet I realize in

reading your post its sooo a KO thing. Damned if you do and damned if

you don't and no matter what someone will be disappointed. I'm

betting you are probably more direct w/your friend than you were

recently about your b-day which is maybe throwing her for a loop like

my dh or something...but its like you said, if she made the decision

for you, it would be easier b/c we don't really know how to celebrate

the day we were born and that's probably due to so much of a battle

our whole lives for our individualality w/our mothers. Wish I were

past this and yet glad to know I'm not the only one in this boat.

Happy early birthday!!!! April's a good month:) One of my good

friends in college shares your b-day and I remember surprising her

one year w/a party- that was a lot of fun!

Kerrie

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> Today I'm posting up a storm! On a similar vein as the " constantly

> apologizing " thread, I have a really hard time with the whole

concept

> of other people taking care of me, or giving me attention and making

> me a priority.

>

> This problem rears its ugly head the worst around my birthday, which

> is on Sunday. I generally ignore my birthday, and often don't even

> remember it's here until someone says happy birthday to me.

>

> My best friend came to me and asked if I wanted to have a party. I

> said no, because people will have an opportunity to party at the

AIDS

> benefit on Friday that our friends put together. Really the only

> reason I would have a party would be to have a fun get together for

> and with my friends, not to celebrate me. I really have a hard time

> with the idea of a party soley for the purpose of celebrating me.

Last

> year I was almost asking people not to come to my party because I

kept

> saying if you have something else to do or need to study or

something

> please don't go out of your way to come.

>

> She also asked me if I wanted her to take me out to dinner, and I

said

> no thanks. Just because I feel weird saying yes when someone asks me

> if I want them to spend money, time and attention on me. The thing

is,

> deep down inside I do want attention and care and celebration so

> badly, but I feel like a burden to others or like I appear selfish

or

> greedy if I say " yes, please take me to dinner and plan a party " .

>

> My boyfriend just asked me what I was doing with my friends for my

> birthday, and I said I was doing nothing since I refused the party

and

> the dinner. And he said " oh good so that means I can take you to

> dinner and have you all to myself. " Then I said, " if you want to "

> because I don't want him to take me to dinner if he doesn't want to.

> Then he said " what do you mean if I want to? It's your birthday. "

>

> I think I hurt my best friend by refusing her efforts, and now it's

> probably worse since I am going out to dinner, just not with her. It

> really was about the wording, and if she hadn't asked me a question

> but rather said " I would like to take you to dinner " it would have

> been a totally different outcome.

>

> I feel like I'm so messed up in the head because often I'll say no

to

> help or attention but then be angry at myself for saying no because

I

> really wanted it, I just couldn't ask for it or admit it. Then if I

do

> say yes, I feel guilty and bad that people are going out of their

way

> for me. Does anyone else have this problem?

>

> Melany

>

---------------------------------

Ahhh...imagining that irresistible " new car " smell?

Check outnew cars at Yahoo! Autos.