Re: Obsessively Rehashing the Past

April 18, 2007

Hi! First of all, can I say that I'm really impressed that you are

clear enough about your needs that you have been able to take a year

for yourself.

I have a similar situation with my sister. When I finally stood up

to my mother and refused to allow her to attend my wedding, my

sister really jumped in and used it to her advantage - I think she

always felt like the all-bad one (and yes, my mother did treat her

terribly) and absolutely loved the role of all-good daughter. She

morphed into my nada's fantasy daughter - got married with a huge

wedding, sympathized with them about how awful I was, calls

regularly, etc. Before she really didn't care.

Anyway, I have totally cut off contact with my sister. She did not

invite me to her wedding, and called me once in the last 10 months

with the same story about how much is owed to her - I told her that

I wanted to be left alone. I have absolutely no regrets about it,

because I realize that I was getting nothing from the relationship.

Not sure if there is anything specific it would help you to know?

happy to share and wish you the best

Sara

>

> Having given myself a year of NC, there has been one major snag.

I'm

> still in contact with my sister. My relationship with her has been

> somewhat volatile over the years, but we really understand each

other,

> having grown up in that same crazy household. My parents

periodically

> have had NC with my sister...mostly because my borderline Mom was

> threatened by her close relationship with my Dad. Endless

> triangulating, manipulating, and episodes of NC. In the past, I

always

> defended my BPD mother. I just didn't get what was going on.

>

> During my year of NC, my sister & I have talked obsessively about

our

> parents. Initially, my sister gave my parents very little

information

> about me (while still telling me exactly what was going on with

them).

> Some of this information has been very hurtful, but also

> instructive...they changed their will, gave away some of my

personal

> possessions, have called me evil names, etc.)

>

> In recent months, my Dad has managed to weaken my sister's resolve—

> especially now that Mother's Day is approaching—(that most hellish

day

> from my childhood memories). As the newly self-appointed, all-bad

> daughter, I can see that my sister is morphing into the all-good

one.

> This has been the classic triangle in our family. My sister knows

> what's going on, but it's hard not to be suckered in by FOG. They

> really know how to stomp on the guilt button.

>

> I'm contemplating taking another year of NC, but this time telling

my

> sister that we need to stop all the endless trading of

information. I

> think I could use a year of REAL NC. It seems like the next logical

> step. I really want freedom and independence. (I fear that my

sister &

> I have nothing else to say to each other—the pattern runs so deep

and

> wide!!) Yet I'm worried that everything good that has happened over

> the past year will evaporate if I make the wrong move. Has anyone

had

> a similar experience?

>

April 18, 2007

Hi! First of all, can I say that I'm really impressed that you are

clear enough about your needs that you have been able to take a year

for yourself.

I have a similar situation with my sister. When I finally stood up

to my mother and refused to allow her to attend my wedding, my

sister really jumped in and used it to her advantage - I think she

always felt like the all-bad one (and yes, my mother did treat her

terribly) and absolutely loved the role of all-good daughter. She

morphed into my nada's fantasy daughter - got married with a huge

wedding, sympathized with them about how awful I was, calls

regularly, etc. Before she really didn't care.

Anyway, I have totally cut off contact with my sister. She did not

invite me to her wedding, and called me once in the last 10 months

with the same story about how much is owed to her - I told her that

I wanted to be left alone. I have absolutely no regrets about it,

because I realize that I was getting nothing from the relationship.

Not sure if there is anything specific it would help you to know?

happy to share and wish you the best

Sara

>

> Having given myself a year of NC, there has been one major snag.

I'm

> still in contact with my sister. My relationship with her has been

> somewhat volatile over the years, but we really understand each

other,

> having grown up in that same crazy household. My parents

periodically

> have had NC with my sister...mostly because my borderline Mom was

> threatened by her close relationship with my Dad. Endless

> triangulating, manipulating, and episodes of NC. In the past, I

always

> defended my BPD mother. I just didn't get what was going on.

>

> During my year of NC, my sister & I have talked obsessively about

our

> parents. Initially, my sister gave my parents very little

information

> about me (while still telling me exactly what was going on with

them).

> Some of this information has been very hurtful, but also

> instructive...they changed their will, gave away some of my

personal

> possessions, have called me evil names, etc.)

>

> In recent months, my Dad has managed to weaken my sister's resolve—

> especially now that Mother's Day is approaching—(that most hellish

day

> from my childhood memories). As the newly self-appointed, all-bad

> daughter, I can see that my sister is morphing into the all-good

one.

> This has been the classic triangle in our family. My sister knows

> what's going on, but it's hard not to be suckered in by FOG. They

> really know how to stomp on the guilt button.

>

> I'm contemplating taking another year of NC, but this time telling

my

> sister that we need to stop all the endless trading of

information. I

> think I could use a year of REAL NC. It seems like the next logical

> step. I really want freedom and independence. (I fear that my

sister &

> I have nothing else to say to each other—the pattern runs so deep

and

> wide!!) Yet I'm worried that everything good that has happened over

> the past year will evaporate if I make the wrong move. Has anyone

had

> a similar experience?

>

April 18, 2007

Hi! First of all, can I say that I'm really impressed that you are

clear enough about your needs that you have been able to take a year

for yourself.

I have a similar situation with my sister. When I finally stood up

to my mother and refused to allow her to attend my wedding, my

sister really jumped in and used it to her advantage - I think she

always felt like the all-bad one (and yes, my mother did treat her

terribly) and absolutely loved the role of all-good daughter. She

morphed into my nada's fantasy daughter - got married with a huge

wedding, sympathized with them about how awful I was, calls

regularly, etc. Before she really didn't care.

Anyway, I have totally cut off contact with my sister. She did not

invite me to her wedding, and called me once in the last 10 months

with the same story about how much is owed to her - I told her that

I wanted to be left alone. I have absolutely no regrets about it,

because I realize that I was getting nothing from the relationship.

Not sure if there is anything specific it would help you to know?

happy to share and wish you the best

Sara

>

> Having given myself a year of NC, there has been one major snag.

I'm

> still in contact with my sister. My relationship with her has been

> somewhat volatile over the years, but we really understand each

other,

> having grown up in that same crazy household. My parents

periodically

> have had NC with my sister...mostly because my borderline Mom was

> threatened by her close relationship with my Dad. Endless

> triangulating, manipulating, and episodes of NC. In the past, I

always

> defended my BPD mother. I just didn't get what was going on.

>

> During my year of NC, my sister & I have talked obsessively about

our

> parents. Initially, my sister gave my parents very little

information

> about me (while still telling me exactly what was going on with

them).

> Some of this information has been very hurtful, but also

> instructive...they changed their will, gave away some of my

personal

> possessions, have called me evil names, etc.)

>

> In recent months, my Dad has managed to weaken my sister's resolve—

> especially now that Mother's Day is approaching—(that most hellish

day

> from my childhood memories). As the newly self-appointed, all-bad

> daughter, I can see that my sister is morphing into the all-good

one.

> This has been the classic triangle in our family. My sister knows

> what's going on, but it's hard not to be suckered in by FOG. They

> really know how to stomp on the guilt button.

>

> I'm contemplating taking another year of NC, but this time telling

my

> sister that we need to stop all the endless trading of

information. I

> think I could use a year of REAL NC. It seems like the next logical

> step. I really want freedom and independence. (I fear that my

sister &

> I have nothing else to say to each other—the pattern runs so deep

and

> wide!!) Yet I'm worried that everything good that has happened over

> the past year will evaporate if I make the wrong move. Has anyone

had

> a similar experience?

>

April 18, 2007

Thanks for sharing your experiences...variations on a theme.

Yes, I have been (oddly) very clear...with the help of a mental health

hotline, therapy, & really supportive friends, and now this group! As

a child there was no information, no support, no way out. I am so

amazed by the help and information available to us now. It's so

empowering. These are obviously lifelong issues...but there is real

hope for recovery now.

So you cut contact with both mom & sister?

That takes courage. Sometimes I think my family is so messed up that I

need to do that, too. That certainly would end the triangulation. I

also want my Dad to feel the full force of my mom's craziness without

me or my sister buffering and muddling the blows.

I guess I look to the future when my parents are both gone. I think,

then, I may really value having a relationship with my sister. Yet

none of these relationships are worth it if they hold you back and

screw you up. There's a lot to consider.

> >

> > Having given myself a year of NC, there has been one major snag.

> I'm

> > still in contact with my sister. My relationship with her has been

> > somewhat volatile over the years, but we really understand each

> other,

> > having grown up in that same crazy household. My parents

> periodically

> > have had NC with my sister...mostly because my borderline Mom was

> > threatened by her close relationship with my Dad. Endless

> > triangulating, manipulating, and episodes of NC. In the past, I

> always

> > defended my BPD mother. I just didn't get what was going on.

> >

> > During my year of NC, my sister & I have talked obsessively about

> our

> > parents. Initially, my sister gave my parents very little

> information

> > about me (while still telling me exactly what was going on with

> them).

> > Some of this information has been very hurtful, but also

> > instructive...they changed their will, gave away some of my

> personal

> > possessions, have called me evil names, etc.)

> >

> > In recent months, my Dad has managed to weaken my sister's resolve—

> > especially now that Mother's Day is approaching—(that most hellish

> day

> > from my childhood memories). As the newly self-appointed, all-bad

> > daughter, I can see that my sister is morphing into the all-good

> one.

> > This has been the classic triangle in our family. My sister knows

> > what's going on, but it's hard not to be suckered in by FOG. They

> > really know how to stomp on the guilt button.

> >

> > I'm contemplating taking another year of NC, but this time telling

> my

> > sister that we need to stop all the endless trading of

> information. I

> > think I could use a year of REAL NC. It seems like the next logical

> > step. I really want freedom and independence. (I fear that my

> sister &

> > I have nothing else to say to each other—the pattern runs so deep

> and

> > wide!!) Yet I'm worried that everything good that has happened over

> > the past year will evaporate if I make the wrong move. Has anyone

> had

> > a similar experience?

> >

>

April 18, 2007

Thanks for sharing your experiences...variations on a theme.

Yes, I have been (oddly) very clear...with the help of a mental health

hotline, therapy, & really supportive friends, and now this group! As

a child there was no information, no support, no way out. I am so

amazed by the help and information available to us now. It's so

empowering. These are obviously lifelong issues...but there is real

hope for recovery now.

So you cut contact with both mom & sister?

That takes courage. Sometimes I think my family is so messed up that I

need to do that, too. That certainly would end the triangulation. I

also want my Dad to feel the full force of my mom's craziness without

me or my sister buffering and muddling the blows.

I guess I look to the future when my parents are both gone. I think,

then, I may really value having a relationship with my sister. Yet

none of these relationships are worth it if they hold you back and

screw you up. There's a lot to consider.

> >

> > Having given myself a year of NC, there has been one major snag.

> I'm

> > still in contact with my sister. My relationship with her has been

> > somewhat volatile over the years, but we really understand each

> other,

> > having grown up in that same crazy household. My parents

> periodically

> > have had NC with my sister...mostly because my borderline Mom was

> > threatened by her close relationship with my Dad. Endless

> > triangulating, manipulating, and episodes of NC. In the past, I

> always

> > defended my BPD mother. I just didn't get what was going on.

> >

> > During my year of NC, my sister & I have talked obsessively about

> our

> > parents. Initially, my sister gave my parents very little

> information

> > about me (while still telling me exactly what was going on with

> them).

> > Some of this information has been very hurtful, but also

> > instructive...they changed their will, gave away some of my

> personal

> > possessions, have called me evil names, etc.)

> >

> > In recent months, my Dad has managed to weaken my sister's resolve—

> > especially now that Mother's Day is approaching—(that most hellish

> day

> > from my childhood memories). As the newly self-appointed, all-bad

> > daughter, I can see that my sister is morphing into the all-good

> one.

> > This has been the classic triangle in our family. My sister knows

> > what's going on, but it's hard not to be suckered in by FOG. They

> > really know how to stomp on the guilt button.

> >

> > I'm contemplating taking another year of NC, but this time telling

> my

> > sister that we need to stop all the endless trading of

> information. I

> > think I could use a year of REAL NC. It seems like the next logical

> > step. I really want freedom and independence. (I fear that my

> sister &

> > I have nothing else to say to each other—the pattern runs so deep

> and

> > wide!!) Yet I'm worried that everything good that has happened over

> > the past year will evaporate if I make the wrong move. Has anyone

> had

> > a similar experience?

> >

>

April 18, 2007

hello, it has been my experience that if i just keep up the NC with nada then

she will turn on someone else and alienate them. They need someone to

dump on. Stay away and give it time. nada will run off more family, friends

and " loved ones " .

>

> Having given myself a year of NC, there has been one major snag. I'm

> still in contact with my sister. My relationship with her has been

> somewhat volatile over the years, but we really understand each other,

> having grown up in that same crazy household. My parents periodically

> have had NC with my sister...mostly because my borderline Mom was

> threatened by her close relationship with my Dad. Endless

> triangulating, manipulating, and episodes of NC. In the past, I always

> defended my BPD mother. I just didn't get what was going on.

>

> During my year of NC, my sister & I have talked obsessively about our

> parents. Initially, my sister gave my parents very little information

> about me (while still telling me exactly what was going on with them).

> Some of this information has been very hurtful, but also

> instructive...they changed their will, gave away some of my personal

> possessions, have called me evil names, etc.)

>

> In recent months, my Dad has managed to weaken my sister's resolve?>

especially now that Mother's Day is approaching?that most hellish day

> from my childhood memories). As the newly self-appointed, all-bad

> daughter, I can see that my sister is morphing into the all-good one.

> This has been the classic triangle in our family. My sister knows

> what's going on, but it's hard not to be suckered in by FOG. They

> really know how to stomp on the guilt button.

>

> I'm contemplating taking another year of NC, but this time telling my

> sister that we need to stop all the endless trading of information. I

> think I could use a year of REAL NC. It seems like the next logical

> step. I really want freedom and independence. (I fear that my sister &

> I have nothing else to say to each other—the pattern runs so deep and

> wide!!) Yet I'm worried that everything good that has happened over

> the past year will evaporate if I make the wrong move. Has anyone had

> a similar experience?

>

April 18, 2007

>

> hello, it has been my experience that if i just keep up the NC with

nada then

> she will turn on someone else and alienate them. They need someone to

> dump on. Stay away and give it time. nada will run off more family,

friends

> and " loved ones " .

You know, in my twisted up KO FOG logic, I was feeling guilty about

going LC because I was worried that nada might loose her job as a

result. I figured she'd be angry about me going LC and then she might

rage at someone at work and get fired. And that it would be my fault

because I made her mad. So messed up.

And yeah, I do think it's a good idea to stay away, and to limit your

conversation with your sister. If she's taking information back to

them, then you're right, it's not really NC because she is breaking

that boundary. So it only makes sense to change your interaction so as

to preserve your boundaries. If the consequence is less to talk about,

that is her fault not yours. I like to think of it as natural

consequences. For example, I have a friend who often cancels,

reschedules or is late when we are supposed to get together. Usually,

I am accomidating, but sometimes I become resentful. Recently she

wanted to see me before going on a long trip, but kept pushing me off

or over sleeping, etc. The last day she said she would come by my

house to say goodbye. Well, I deciced that I was going to continue

with my normal day, which meant going to the library. When I wanted to

go, I left her a message saying sorry I missed you, have a good trip.

Her not getting to see me was the natural consequence of her

irresponsibility. She wanted advice on her new hair color and things,

and I wanted to see her too, but I had to respect myself first because

I really was tired of her not valuing her time commitments. This was

the first time I stood up for myself in this way and I was nervous. In

the end, I gained some self-esteem and I was less resentful toward her

because I'm not asking her to change, I just changed what I am willing

to put up with.

Our relationship has changed since I am no longer willing to put up

with so much. I'm noticing that at least two of my friendships have

changed now that I'm developing a bit of a backbone and a stronger

sense of self. It's a sad consequence, but sometimes in the process of

becoming a healed person, the dysfunction of many of our most

treasured relationships quickly comes to surface.

On the flip side, you never know, you and your sister may find that

you have other meaningful things to discuss that you never would have

explored otherwise. I say give it a try, you'll probably be grateful

you did either way.

Melany

April 18, 2007

Thanks for your comments. I think you're right.

Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries are the key.

Not an easy task...I think I'm being vigilant, but I invariably keep

making the same mistakes over and over again. Although the obsessive

dialog with my sister feels good, it IS part of that dysfunctional dance.

Stay strong dealing with all your friends!

> >

> > hello, it has been my experience that if i just keep up the NC with

> nada then

> > she will turn on someone else and alienate them. They need someone to

> > dump on. Stay away and give it time. nada will run off more family,

> friends

> > and " loved ones " .

>

> You know, in my twisted up KO FOG logic, I was feeling guilty about

> going LC because I was worried that nada might loose her job as a

> result. I figured she'd be angry about me going LC and then she might

> rage at someone at work and get fired. And that it would be my fault

> because I made her mad. So messed up.

>

> And yeah, I do think it's a good idea to stay away, and to limit your

> conversation with your sister. If she's taking information back to

> them, then you're right, it's not really NC because she is breaking

> that boundary. So it only makes sense to change your interaction so as

> to preserve your boundaries. If the consequence is less to talk about,

> that is her fault not yours. I like to think of it as natural

> consequences. For example, I have a friend who often cancels,

> reschedules or is late when we are supposed to get together. Usually,

> I am accomidating, but sometimes I become resentful. Recently she

> wanted to see me before going on a long trip, but kept pushing me off

> or over sleeping, etc. The last day she said she would come by my

> house to say goodbye. Well, I deciced that I was going to continue

> with my normal day, which meant going to the library. When I wanted to

> go, I left her a message saying sorry I missed you, have a good trip.

> Her not getting to see me was the natural consequence of her

> irresponsibility. She wanted advice on her new hair color and things,

> and I wanted to see her too, but I had to respect myself first because

> I really was tired of her not valuing her time commitments. This was

> the first time I stood up for myself in this way and I was nervous. In

> the end, I gained some self-esteem and I was less resentful toward her

> because I'm not asking her to change, I just changed what I am willing

> to put up with.

> Our relationship has changed since I am no longer willing to put up

> with so much. I'm noticing that at least two of my friendships have

> changed now that I'm developing a bit of a backbone and a stronger

> sense of self. It's a sad consequence, but sometimes in the process of

> becoming a healed person, the dysfunction of many of our most

> treasured relationships quickly comes to surface.

>

> On the flip side, you never know, you and your sister may find that

> you have other meaningful things to discuss that you never would have

> explored otherwise. I say give it a try, you'll probably be grateful

> you did either way.

>

> Melany

>

April 18, 2007

Yeah, I have a similar situation. I decided to go NC in Christmas of

2005 w/nada. Within 3 months she totally turned her rage on her live

in fiance (who was also a KO- his nada is nuts too) and he ended up

killing himself. Nada acted like she didn't blame me, but I

definitely get that feeling when I chose not to reconnect and be

there for her after the tragedy. I went home for the funeral/memorial

service and that kind of sucked. Really hit home the need to stay

away though as she's dangerous in how she manipulates people.

I accidentally talked to her on my b-day last year in April and then

once again in May and from then I didn't speak to her until the day

before her surgery in Febuary. I guess I was rare contact then. She

got cancer and was having surgery in Feb to remove it.

In the intirem, my aunt, nada's sister, came out to visit last June

and that was horrible. She made it seem like I was the bp and was

constantly walking on eggshells around me that made me soo

uncomfortable in my own home. And she played little rebellion games

that was just whacked out- like she'd been hanging around nada so

much that she reacts to others like she does to nada all the time. I

can relate, but I'm glad I wasn't close or there for nada after

seeing my aunt. What I didn't want to face though was the fact my

aunt has been triangulating this crap and telling nada things and

playing rescuer type games. I faced that a couple of weeks ago and

unfortunately, my aunt is pretty much out of my life too. It sucks,

but she's completely unable to have a relationship w/my nada w/o

feeling sorry for her and making me out to be the bad guy. I already

told her if the foo needed to make me out to be the ahole, I'm okay

w/that. And now after auntie pushed me too far w/my son's second b-

day and nada not being invited, well I am truly the ahole b/c I don't

care about any of them. I mean I care, but I don't want anything to

do w/such utter sickness. Its like next to impossible for people to

keep their sanity whilest being close to a borderline.

If you can change the dynamics of your relationship w/your sister and

never discuss your nada and foo, then good for you. That's the route

I'd take if I had to do over again- no discussion at all, but then

auntie would've eventually worked her way out of my life anyway b/c

she needs the disfunction. I can see it clearly on how she operates.

My brother, on the otherhand, is totally different. We don't discuss

nada much at all if any- only recently w/the cancer and that was just

briefly w/how stressed he is on so much work he's had to take off to

take care of her. But my brother was always the all-good child and so

he doesn't want to see nada for who she is. We just don't talk about

her though and have a very separate relationship. We always have

though. We like each other for the most part underneath and so its

not hard to find other things to talk about w/him. With my aunt, its

all about nada and the hoovering me back in. I can't say we ever had

a separate relationship that wasn't based on her rescuing me from

nada and now nada from me. Oh well. You live and learn.

Best wishes to you. If you can pull it off, good for you. If you

can't and you find you have to let sis go too, then there are

reasons. At least that's where I'm at for today. Faith that things

work out the way they should and they are rarely ever how we foresee

it.

K

>

> Having given myself a year of NC, there has been one major snag. I'm

> still in contact with my sister. My relationship with her has been

> somewhat volatile over the years, but we really understand each

other,

> having grown up in that same crazy household. My parents

periodically

> have had NC with my sister...mostly because my borderline Mom was

> threatened by her close relationship with my Dad. Endless

> triangulating, manipulating, and episodes of NC. In the past, I

always

> defended my BPD mother. I just didn't get what was going on.

>

> During my year of NC, my sister & I have talked obsessively about

our

> parents. Initially, my sister gave my parents very little

information

> about me (while still telling me exactly what was going on with

them).

> Some of this information has been very hurtful, but also

> instructive...they changed their will, gave away some of my personal

> possessions, have called me evil names, etc.)

>

> In recent months, my Dad has managed to weaken my sister's resolve—

> especially now that Mother's Day is approaching—(that most hellish

day

> from my childhood memories). As the newly self-appointed, all-bad

> daughter, I can see that my sister is morphing into the all-good

one.

> This has been the classic triangle in our family. My sister knows

> what's going on, but it's hard not to be suckered in by FOG. They

> really know how to stomp on the guilt button.

>

> I'm contemplating taking another year of NC, but this time telling

my

> sister that we need to stop all the endless trading of information.

I

> think I could use a year of REAL NC. It seems like the next logical

> step. I really want freedom and independence. (I fear that my

sister &

> I have nothing else to say to each other—the pattern runs so deep

and

> wide!!) Yet I'm worried that everything good that has happened over

> the past year will evaporate if I make the wrong move. Has anyone

had

> a similar experience?

>

April 18, 2007

This is very similar to the situation I had with my sister. Before

I went NC, she and I seemed to be on the same page about nada, and I

was grateful to have her to talk to about our experiences. She did,

however, often report the cruel things nada said about me. It took

me awhile to realize that she (and I) had a choice in that. She

could have chosen not to tell me (duh - I wasn't telling her the

mean things nada said about her, but I still didn't get that she

could have kept quiet too), and, I could have chosen to tell her I

didn't want to hear those things. Interestingly, I did decide to

tell her one thing nada said about her, and she was really surprised

that nada would talk about her that way. I guess she thought that

nada would only say bad things about me. Anyhow, I have decided

that should the situation arise again, I will tell her I don't want

to hear about it. That is my way of taking care of myself.

I don't think, however, that the gains you have made over the past

year will be lost, and I definitely don't think they would be lost

over just one action on your part. It also sounds like you have a

good assessment of the current dynamics with your foo. The alure of

being the 'good' child is a strong one, particularly after you have

felt the scorn of being the 'bad' child.

After I went NC, my relationship with sis changed, and as the years

progressed, we have been in less and less contact. I was usually

the one who made contact, planned our outing, etc. I decided to

stop doing that and see if sis would take some responsibility, and

she didn't. I am still very sad over not having the relationship I

thought I had - but I really don't know if it was as close as I

thought it was. That too may have been a fantasy on my part. It is

a shame that this too is some of the fallout from having a BP

parent.

My parents are elderly, and sis decided to go along with nada's

request of their buying a house together so that nada could take

care of dad and sis could take care of the house (nada said she

couldn't do both). I advised her that we could work together to

find other ways for them to be taken care of, but sis didn't want to

say no to nada. I am not convinced that dad needed as much care as

nada thinks (and who can tell with a BP!). My relationship with sis

deteriorated even more when that happened. I feel that the three of

them have decided to continue the family fantasy, and they aren't

comfortable around me, and I am not comfortable around them. That

fantasy is still the elephant in the middle of the living room

floor. I can't have a relationship with them and ignore the

elephant, they can't have a relatioship with me because they want to

ignore the elephant.

I am very, very glad for the growth I have achieved, and I believe

that no contact was the right thing for me to do. The loss of my

relationship with my sister is painful, but even that is less

painful than what I had to suffer mentally and emotionally when I

denied my needs to placate nada.

You seem to have a good grasp of what you need in order to take care

of yourself. I wish you success and peace in ensuring that your

needs are met. Remember that this board will be here to listen to

you and give you support.

Sylvia

>

> Having given myself a year of NC, there has been one major snag.

I'm

> still in contact with my sister. My relationship with her has been

> somewhat volatile over the years, but we really understand each

other,

> having grown up in that same crazy household. My parents

periodically

> have had NC with my sister...mostly because my borderline Mom was

> threatened by her close relationship with my Dad. Endless

> triangulating, manipulating, and episodes of NC. In the past, I

always

> defended my BPD mother. I just didn't get what was going on.

>

> During my year of NC, my sister & I have talked obsessively about

our

> parents. Initially, my sister gave my parents very little

information

> about me (while still telling me exactly what was going on with

them).

> Some of this information has been very hurtful, but also

> instructive...they changed their will, gave away some of my

personal

> possessions, have called me evil names, etc.)

>

> In recent months, my Dad has managed to weaken my sister's resolve—

> especially now that Mother's Day is approaching—(that most hellish

day

> from my childhood memories). As the newly self-appointed, all-bad

> daughter, I can see that my sister is morphing into the all-good

one.

> This has been the classic triangle in our family. My sister knows

> what's going on, but it's hard not to be suckered in by FOG. They

> really know how to stomp on the guilt button.

>

> I'm contemplating taking another year of NC, but this time telling

my

> sister that we need to stop all the endless trading of

information. I

> think I could use a year of REAL NC. It seems like the next logical

> step. I really want freedom and independence. (I fear that my

sister &

> I have nothing else to say to each other—the pattern runs so deep

and

> wide!!) Yet I'm worried that everything good that has happened over

> the past year will evaporate if I make the wrong move. Has anyone

had

> a similar experience?

>

April 18, 2007