Guest guest Posted April 5, 2007 Report Share Posted April 5, 2007 Welcome, Clara! It is amazing, isn't it, to find that there are so many others like you, when you've felt like the only one for so long?! It's commented on quite a bit that this is a bittersweet discovery. I have been here just a few weeks, and I find it amazing when someone posts something that I could have written word for word myself. I'm sure you'll have those moments. As for you and your Nada, way to go in coping with the situation so far. It sounds to me like you really are thriving! I can relate, however, to the badmouthing you part. The only thing I can say that you may find comforting is that I have found in my own case that people who know me at all realize that she's pretty much full of it when she starts talking about me - and I have never had to say a word in my own defense or about my mother's problems. A friend of mine who heard about something my mother said through the grapevine was very comforting when we talked about this. Her family has been friends with mine for many years. After she said that she and her sister basically ignored something my mother said about me, I said, " Thank you. I guess I have to remember that people know me. " And she said, " Yes, and we know your mother too. " Also, I have been married for 14 years and just a few months ago, my beloved mother in law shared with me that about a month before my wedding, my mother went to her and told her that I was crazy and that Mike wouldn't be able to handle me. I was mortified when she told me this? I asked, " What did you think when she said that? " She said, " Tara, I know what crazy looks like and you're not it. I never said anything to Mike about it. " (Did I mention that I love this woman? Her mother has a few PDs of her own, so that's why she responded the way she did.) The reason I'm sharing this is that I sometimes don't realize that even though they might not say much, others know how she is. I'm sure the same is true in your case, even if you don't yet realize it. Tara > > Hi Everyone, > > I'm Clara. I just joined today. I've known my mom was a nada for > some time now (one of the useful elements of having a top-notch > psychologist in the family), and while her behavior made my childhood > really difficult, since I've moved out I've been able to control our > interactions more and prevent her from " getting " to me most of the > time. I went through intensive therapy throughout college, but since > graduating two years ago I've been uninsured and thus without a therapist. > > One of the biggest issues I've had with my nada (who is a compulsive > spender to the point of major, major debt despite starting off with > significant financial advantage) is how she deals with money, and > specifically how she dealt with money as it relates to me. Growing > up, one of my horror stories involved the purchase of a car. My > great-aunt set aside money for me in an account where I had to sign > off before it could be used (smart thinking, right?) but my mom was > " in charge " of it until I turned 18. When I was 17, I signed off on a > down payment for a car of $7000. Two months later, I was hit by > another driver going the wrong way on a highway at 65 mph. > Fortunately, neither I nor my passenger was hurt. The car, on the > other hand, was totaled. > > Because I was a minor, I was on my nada's insurance. When the check > came for the car, it was in her name. Now that it was out of the > account specified for me, she seemed to forget that it had ever been > in her name. She insisted there was no money with which to buy me > another car, even a used one. I knew something wasn't right. > > Three months later, she purchased a new car for herself, trading in > her old one. With my money. When pressed to explain, she > conveniently misplaced any recollection that the money had originally > been mine, and snapped at me, claiming I was being selfish (a favorite > past-time of hers). Fun! > > Since I've become financially independent, many of our conflicts have > subsided. My years in therapy helped me understand and thus develop a > thicker skin. I have more compassion, and I can ignore (for the most > part) her emotional transgressions. 3000 miles has done a lot for our > relationship, and I'm pretty good at getting off the phone when she's > " holding me hostage. " > > One of the few things that has continued to plague me is how she > treats me with regard to others. She has constantly put me down with > friends, other family members, and (the best yet) my soon-to-be > father-in-law. I often feel unable to defend myself in these > situations. This is my mother. If I explain the situation to them, > especially after the fact, I seem defensive and immature. If I say > nothing, she gets away with making outrageous claims about my behavior. > > Last night, she compared me to a bystander in Nazi Germany because I > refused to take sides in an email argument (on which I was CC-d) > between her and my (non) aunt. > > She spends literally tens of thousands of dollars every year on > materially unnecessary things for herself (new clothes, shoes, cars, > china, crystal, jewelry, etc.) but tells me she has " no money " to pay > her medical bills and constantly stresses over her debt. She received > a total of $45,000 from relatives for my college education. Her share > of my college education was approximately $35,000. Nevertheless, she > asked me to take out a student loan instead of her taking out a parent > loan owing to the lower interest rates (which I only did after my dad > let me know he'd take care of it if she defaulted) on top of my own > share (most of which I covered with scholarships). Years later, my > aunt revealed that my nada told her I had refused to take out a loan > because I wanted to hurt her by forcing her to pay higher interest rates. > > She regularly claims she is suicidal/has cancer/is going bankrupt. > She once told me I am the cause of all her problems, and when I asked > her if she thought it was appropriate to say something like that to > her daughter, she said yes. > > When I was 16, she packed my stuff into boxes and said she was > shipping me to my dad. She bought a train ticket. She never lived up > to her threat. > > When I graduated high school, she kicked me out THE DAY OF GRADUATION > and told me never to come back. > > For the record, I never did drugs, I didn't drink until I turned 21 > (except for Jewish holidays for which it was prescribed), and I was > honest and responsible. I got good grades (although she sent notes to > my teachers asking to be informed if I was " on my way to a B " ) and got > into every school to which I applied. > > To many of you, I'm sure this is nothing. This, however, is the first > real chance I've had to vent in several years, so I appreciate the > opportunity to get it out. Even through my years of therapy, I never > personally knew anyone else with a borderline personality in their > family. It is comforting to see others out there who are surviving > and even thriving. Thank you for (hopefully!) welcoming me. Just the > fact that this community exists is inspiring. > > Clara > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2007 Report Share Posted April 5, 2007 Welcome, Clara! It is amazing, isn't it, to find that there are so many others like you, when you've felt like the only one for so long?! It's commented on quite a bit that this is a bittersweet discovery. I have been here just a few weeks, and I find it amazing when someone posts something that I could have written word for word myself. I'm sure you'll have those moments. As for you and your Nada, way to go in coping with the situation so far. It sounds to me like you really are thriving! I can relate, however, to the badmouthing you part. The only thing I can say that you may find comforting is that I have found in my own case that people who know me at all realize that she's pretty much full of it when she starts talking about me - and I have never had to say a word in my own defense or about my mother's problems. A friend of mine who heard about something my mother said through the grapevine was very comforting when we talked about this. Her family has been friends with mine for many years. After she said that she and her sister basically ignored something my mother said about me, I said, " Thank you. I guess I have to remember that people know me. " And she said, " Yes, and we know your mother too. " Also, I have been married for 14 years and just a few months ago, my beloved mother in law shared with me that about a month before my wedding, my mother went to her and told her that I was crazy and that Mike wouldn't be able to handle me. I was mortified when she told me this? I asked, " What did you think when she said that? " She said, " Tara, I know what crazy looks like and you're not it. I never said anything to Mike about it. " (Did I mention that I love this woman? Her mother has a few PDs of her own, so that's why she responded the way she did.) The reason I'm sharing this is that I sometimes don't realize that even though they might not say much, others know how she is. I'm sure the same is true in your case, even if you don't yet realize it. Tara > > Hi Everyone, > > I'm Clara. I just joined today. I've known my mom was a nada for > some time now (one of the useful elements of having a top-notch > psychologist in the family), and while her behavior made my childhood > really difficult, since I've moved out I've been able to control our > interactions more and prevent her from " getting " to me most of the > time. I went through intensive therapy throughout college, but since > graduating two years ago I've been uninsured and thus without a therapist. > > One of the biggest issues I've had with my nada (who is a compulsive > spender to the point of major, major debt despite starting off with > significant financial advantage) is how she deals with money, and > specifically how she dealt with money as it relates to me. Growing > up, one of my horror stories involved the purchase of a car. My > great-aunt set aside money for me in an account where I had to sign > off before it could be used (smart thinking, right?) but my mom was > " in charge " of it until I turned 18. When I was 17, I signed off on a > down payment for a car of $7000. Two months later, I was hit by > another driver going the wrong way on a highway at 65 mph. > Fortunately, neither I nor my passenger was hurt. The car, on the > other hand, was totaled. > > Because I was a minor, I was on my nada's insurance. When the check > came for the car, it was in her name. Now that it was out of the > account specified for me, she seemed to forget that it had ever been > in her name. She insisted there was no money with which to buy me > another car, even a used one. I knew something wasn't right. > > Three months later, she purchased a new car for herself, trading in > her old one. With my money. When pressed to explain, she > conveniently misplaced any recollection that the money had originally > been mine, and snapped at me, claiming I was being selfish (a favorite > past-time of hers). Fun! > > Since I've become financially independent, many of our conflicts have > subsided. My years in therapy helped me understand and thus develop a > thicker skin. I have more compassion, and I can ignore (for the most > part) her emotional transgressions. 3000 miles has done a lot for our > relationship, and I'm pretty good at getting off the phone when she's > " holding me hostage. " > > One of the few things that has continued to plague me is how she > treats me with regard to others. She has constantly put me down with > friends, other family members, and (the best yet) my soon-to-be > father-in-law. I often feel unable to defend myself in these > situations. This is my mother. If I explain the situation to them, > especially after the fact, I seem defensive and immature. If I say > nothing, she gets away with making outrageous claims about my behavior. > > Last night, she compared me to a bystander in Nazi Germany because I > refused to take sides in an email argument (on which I was CC-d) > between her and my (non) aunt. > > She spends literally tens of thousands of dollars every year on > materially unnecessary things for herself (new clothes, shoes, cars, > china, crystal, jewelry, etc.) but tells me she has " no money " to pay > her medical bills and constantly stresses over her debt. She received > a total of $45,000 from relatives for my college education. Her share > of my college education was approximately $35,000. Nevertheless, she > asked me to take out a student loan instead of her taking out a parent > loan owing to the lower interest rates (which I only did after my dad > let me know he'd take care of it if she defaulted) on top of my own > share (most of which I covered with scholarships). Years later, my > aunt revealed that my nada told her I had refused to take out a loan > because I wanted to hurt her by forcing her to pay higher interest rates. > > She regularly claims she is suicidal/has cancer/is going bankrupt. > She once told me I am the cause of all her problems, and when I asked > her if she thought it was appropriate to say something like that to > her daughter, she said yes. > > When I was 16, she packed my stuff into boxes and said she was > shipping me to my dad. She bought a train ticket. She never lived up > to her threat. > > When I graduated high school, she kicked me out THE DAY OF GRADUATION > and told me never to come back. > > For the record, I never did drugs, I didn't drink until I turned 21 > (except for Jewish holidays for which it was prescribed), and I was > honest and responsible. I got good grades (although she sent notes to > my teachers asking to be informed if I was " on my way to a B " ) and got > into every school to which I applied. > > To many of you, I'm sure this is nothing. This, however, is the first > real chance I've had to vent in several years, so I appreciate the > opportunity to get it out. Even through my years of therapy, I never > personally knew anyone else with a borderline personality in their > family. It is comforting to see others out there who are surviving > and even thriving. Thank you for (hopefully!) welcoming me. Just the > fact that this community exists is inspiring. > > Clara > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2007 Report Share Posted April 5, 2007 Welcome to the group Clara. I allways feel silly saying I am glad someone has joined the group. On the one hand I am glad they have found this place, however on the other hand I am sad that they have to be here. And what you wrote is not nothing to us. I know how hard it is too write the first post and give the details. Wondering if anyone will understand or care. Well guess what, well understand and we do care! Lilly Clara wrote: Hi Everyone, I'm Clara. I just joined today. I've known my mom was a nada for some time now (one of the useful elements of having a top-notch psychologist in the family), and while her behavior made my childhood really difficult, since I've moved out I've been able to control our interactions more and prevent her from " getting " to me most of the time. I went through intensive therapy throughout college, but since graduating two years ago I've been uninsured and thus without a therapist. One of the biggest issues I've had with my nada (who is a compulsive spender to the point of major, major debt despite starting off with significant financial advantage) is how she deals with money, and specifically how she dealt with money as it relates to me. Growing up, one of my horror stories involved the purchase of a car. My great-aunt set aside money for me in an account where I had to sign off before it could be used (smart thinking, right?) but my mom was " in charge " of it until I turned 18. When I was 17, I signed off on a down payment for a car of $7000. Two months later, I was hit by another driver going the wrong way on a highway at 65 mph. Fortunately, neither I nor my passenger was hurt. The car, on the other hand, was totaled. Because I was a minor, I was on my nada's insurance. When the check came for the car, it was in her name. Now that it was out of the account specified for me, she seemed to forget that it had ever been in her name. She insisted there was no money with which to buy me another car, even a used one. I knew something wasn't right. Three months later, she purchased a new car for herself, trading in her old one. With my money. When pressed to explain, she conveniently misplaced any recollection that the money had originally been mine, and snapped at me, claiming I was being selfish (a favorite past-time of hers). Fun! Since I've become financially independent, many of our conflicts have subsided. My years in therapy helped me understand and thus develop a thicker skin. I have more compassion, and I can ignore (for the most part) her emotional transgressions. 3000 miles has done a lot for our relationship, and I'm pretty good at getting off the phone when she's " holding me hostage. " One of the few things that has continued to plague me is how she treats me with regard to others. She has constantly put me down with friends, other family members, and (the best yet) my soon-to-be father-in-law. I often feel unable to defend myself in these situations. This is my mother. If I explain the situation to them, especially after the fact, I seem defensive and immature. If I say nothing, she gets away with making outrageous claims about my behavior. Last night, she compared me to a bystander in Nazi Germany because I refused to take sides in an email argument (on which I was CC-d) between her and my (non) aunt. She spends literally tens of thousands of dollars every year on materially unnecessary things for herself (new clothes, shoes, cars, china, crystal, jewelry, etc.) but tells me she has " no money " to pay her medical bills and constantly stresses over her debt. She received a total of $45,000 from relatives for my college education. Her share of my college education was approximately $35,000. Nevertheless, she asked me to take out a student loan instead of her taking out a parent loan owing to the lower interest rates (which I only did after my dad let me know he'd take care of it if she defaulted) on top of my own share (most of which I covered with scholarships). Years later, my aunt revealed that my nada told her I had refused to take out a loan because I wanted to hurt her by forcing her to pay higher interest rates. She regularly claims she is suicidal/has cancer/is going bankrupt. She once told me I am the cause of all her problems, and when I asked her if she thought it was appropriate to say something like that to her daughter, she said yes. When I was 16, she packed my stuff into boxes and said she was shipping me to my dad. She bought a train ticket. She never lived up to her threat. When I graduated high school, she kicked me out THE DAY OF GRADUATION and told me never to come back. For the record, I never did drugs, I didn't drink until I turned 21 (except for Jewish holidays for which it was prescribed), and I was honest and responsible. I got good grades (although she sent notes to my teachers asking to be informed if I was " on my way to a B " ) and got into every school to which I applied. To many of you, I'm sure this is nothing. This, however, is the first real chance I've had to vent in several years, so I appreciate the opportunity to get it out. Even through my years of therapy, I never personally knew anyone else with a borderline personality in their family. It is comforting to see others out there who are surviving and even thriving. Thank you for (hopefully!) welcoming me. Just the fact that this community exists is inspiring. Clara --------------------------------- TV dinner still cooling? Check out " Tonight's Picks " on Yahoo! TV. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2007 Report Share Posted April 5, 2007 Welcome to the group Clara. I allways feel silly saying I am glad someone has joined the group. On the one hand I am glad they have found this place, however on the other hand I am sad that they have to be here. And what you wrote is not nothing to us. I know how hard it is too write the first post and give the details. Wondering if anyone will understand or care. Well guess what, well understand and we do care! Lilly Clara wrote: Hi Everyone, I'm Clara. I just joined today. I've known my mom was a nada for some time now (one of the useful elements of having a top-notch psychologist in the family), and while her behavior made my childhood really difficult, since I've moved out I've been able to control our interactions more and prevent her from " getting " to me most of the time. I went through intensive therapy throughout college, but since graduating two years ago I've been uninsured and thus without a therapist. One of the biggest issues I've had with my nada (who is a compulsive spender to the point of major, major debt despite starting off with significant financial advantage) is how she deals with money, and specifically how she dealt with money as it relates to me. Growing up, one of my horror stories involved the purchase of a car. My great-aunt set aside money for me in an account where I had to sign off before it could be used (smart thinking, right?) but my mom was " in charge " of it until I turned 18. When I was 17, I signed off on a down payment for a car of $7000. Two months later, I was hit by another driver going the wrong way on a highway at 65 mph. Fortunately, neither I nor my passenger was hurt. The car, on the other hand, was totaled. Because I was a minor, I was on my nada's insurance. When the check came for the car, it was in her name. Now that it was out of the account specified for me, she seemed to forget that it had ever been in her name. She insisted there was no money with which to buy me another car, even a used one. I knew something wasn't right. Three months later, she purchased a new car for herself, trading in her old one. With my money. When pressed to explain, she conveniently misplaced any recollection that the money had originally been mine, and snapped at me, claiming I was being selfish (a favorite past-time of hers). Fun! Since I've become financially independent, many of our conflicts have subsided. My years in therapy helped me understand and thus develop a thicker skin. I have more compassion, and I can ignore (for the most part) her emotional transgressions. 3000 miles has done a lot for our relationship, and I'm pretty good at getting off the phone when she's " holding me hostage. " One of the few things that has continued to plague me is how she treats me with regard to others. She has constantly put me down with friends, other family members, and (the best yet) my soon-to-be father-in-law. I often feel unable to defend myself in these situations. This is my mother. If I explain the situation to them, especially after the fact, I seem defensive and immature. If I say nothing, she gets away with making outrageous claims about my behavior. Last night, she compared me to a bystander in Nazi Germany because I refused to take sides in an email argument (on which I was CC-d) between her and my (non) aunt. She spends literally tens of thousands of dollars every year on materially unnecessary things for herself (new clothes, shoes, cars, china, crystal, jewelry, etc.) but tells me she has " no money " to pay her medical bills and constantly stresses over her debt. She received a total of $45,000 from relatives for my college education. Her share of my college education was approximately $35,000. Nevertheless, she asked me to take out a student loan instead of her taking out a parent loan owing to the lower interest rates (which I only did after my dad let me know he'd take care of it if she defaulted) on top of my own share (most of which I covered with scholarships). Years later, my aunt revealed that my nada told her I had refused to take out a loan because I wanted to hurt her by forcing her to pay higher interest rates. She regularly claims she is suicidal/has cancer/is going bankrupt. She once told me I am the cause of all her problems, and when I asked her if she thought it was appropriate to say something like that to her daughter, she said yes. When I was 16, she packed my stuff into boxes and said she was shipping me to my dad. She bought a train ticket. She never lived up to her threat. When I graduated high school, she kicked me out THE DAY OF GRADUATION and told me never to come back. For the record, I never did drugs, I didn't drink until I turned 21 (except for Jewish holidays for which it was prescribed), and I was honest and responsible. I got good grades (although she sent notes to my teachers asking to be informed if I was " on my way to a B " ) and got into every school to which I applied. To many of you, I'm sure this is nothing. This, however, is the first real chance I've had to vent in several years, so I appreciate the opportunity to get it out. Even through my years of therapy, I never personally knew anyone else with a borderline personality in their family. It is comforting to see others out there who are surviving and even thriving. Thank you for (hopefully!) welcoming me. Just the fact that this community exists is inspiring. Clara --------------------------------- TV dinner still cooling? Check out " Tonight's Picks " on Yahoo! TV. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2007 Report Share Posted April 5, 2007 Welcome to the group Clara. I allways feel silly saying I am glad someone has joined the group. On the one hand I am glad they have found this place, however on the other hand I am sad that they have to be here. And what you wrote is not nothing to us. I know how hard it is too write the first post and give the details. Wondering if anyone will understand or care. Well guess what, well understand and we do care! Lilly Clara wrote: Hi Everyone, I'm Clara. I just joined today. I've known my mom was a nada for some time now (one of the useful elements of having a top-notch psychologist in the family), and while her behavior made my childhood really difficult, since I've moved out I've been able to control our interactions more and prevent her from " getting " to me most of the time. I went through intensive therapy throughout college, but since graduating two years ago I've been uninsured and thus without a therapist. One of the biggest issues I've had with my nada (who is a compulsive spender to the point of major, major debt despite starting off with significant financial advantage) is how she deals with money, and specifically how she dealt with money as it relates to me. Growing up, one of my horror stories involved the purchase of a car. My great-aunt set aside money for me in an account where I had to sign off before it could be used (smart thinking, right?) but my mom was " in charge " of it until I turned 18. When I was 17, I signed off on a down payment for a car of $7000. Two months later, I was hit by another driver going the wrong way on a highway at 65 mph. Fortunately, neither I nor my passenger was hurt. The car, on the other hand, was totaled. Because I was a minor, I was on my nada's insurance. When the check came for the car, it was in her name. Now that it was out of the account specified for me, she seemed to forget that it had ever been in her name. She insisted there was no money with which to buy me another car, even a used one. I knew something wasn't right. Three months later, she purchased a new car for herself, trading in her old one. With my money. When pressed to explain, she conveniently misplaced any recollection that the money had originally been mine, and snapped at me, claiming I was being selfish (a favorite past-time of hers). Fun! Since I've become financially independent, many of our conflicts have subsided. My years in therapy helped me understand and thus develop a thicker skin. I have more compassion, and I can ignore (for the most part) her emotional transgressions. 3000 miles has done a lot for our relationship, and I'm pretty good at getting off the phone when she's " holding me hostage. " One of the few things that has continued to plague me is how she treats me with regard to others. She has constantly put me down with friends, other family members, and (the best yet) my soon-to-be father-in-law. I often feel unable to defend myself in these situations. This is my mother. If I explain the situation to them, especially after the fact, I seem defensive and immature. If I say nothing, she gets away with making outrageous claims about my behavior. Last night, she compared me to a bystander in Nazi Germany because I refused to take sides in an email argument (on which I was CC-d) between her and my (non) aunt. She spends literally tens of thousands of dollars every year on materially unnecessary things for herself (new clothes, shoes, cars, china, crystal, jewelry, etc.) but tells me she has " no money " to pay her medical bills and constantly stresses over her debt. She received a total of $45,000 from relatives for my college education. Her share of my college education was approximately $35,000. Nevertheless, she asked me to take out a student loan instead of her taking out a parent loan owing to the lower interest rates (which I only did after my dad let me know he'd take care of it if she defaulted) on top of my own share (most of which I covered with scholarships). Years later, my aunt revealed that my nada told her I had refused to take out a loan because I wanted to hurt her by forcing her to pay higher interest rates. She regularly claims she is suicidal/has cancer/is going bankrupt. She once told me I am the cause of all her problems, and when I asked her if she thought it was appropriate to say something like that to her daughter, she said yes. When I was 16, she packed my stuff into boxes and said she was shipping me to my dad. She bought a train ticket. She never lived up to her threat. When I graduated high school, she kicked me out THE DAY OF GRADUATION and told me never to come back. For the record, I never did drugs, I didn't drink until I turned 21 (except for Jewish holidays for which it was prescribed), and I was honest and responsible. I got good grades (although she sent notes to my teachers asking to be informed if I was " on my way to a B " ) and got into every school to which I applied. To many of you, I'm sure this is nothing. This, however, is the first real chance I've had to vent in several years, so I appreciate the opportunity to get it out. Even through my years of therapy, I never personally knew anyone else with a borderline personality in their family. It is comforting to see others out there who are surviving and even thriving. Thank you for (hopefully!) welcoming me. Just the fact that this community exists is inspiring. Clara --------------------------------- TV dinner still cooling? Check out " Tonight's Picks " on Yahoo! TV. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 6, 2007 Report Share Posted April 6, 2007 Welcome Clara, I hope you find some comfort and answers here. Janie Lilly LaFlure wrote: Welcome to the group Clara. I allways feel silly saying I am glad someone has joined the group. On the one hand I am glad they have found this place, however on the other hand I am sad that they have to be here. And what you wrote is not nothing to us. I know how hard it is too write the first post and give the details. Wondering if anyone will understand or care. Well guess what, well understand and we do care! Lilly Clara wrote: Hi Everyone, I'm Clara. I just joined today. I've known my mom was a nada for some time now (one of the useful elements of having a top-notch psychologist in the family), and while her behavior made my childhood really difficult, since I've moved out I've been able to control our interactions more and prevent her from " getting " to me most of the time. I went through intensive therapy throughout college, but since graduating two years ago I've been uninsured and thus without a therapist. One of the biggest issues I've had with my nada (who is a compulsive spender to the point of major, major debt despite starting off with significant financial advantage) is how she deals with money, and specifically how she dealt with money as it relates to me. Growing up, one of my horror stories involved the purchase of a car. My great-aunt set aside money for me in an account where I had to sign off before it could be used (smart thinking, right?) but my mom was " in charge " of it until I turned 18. When I was 17, I signed off on a down payment for a car of $7000. Two months later, I was hit by another driver going the wrong way on a highway at 65 mph. Fortunately, neither I nor my passenger was hurt. The car, on the other hand, was totaled. Because I was a minor, I was on my nada's insurance. When the check came for the car, it was in her name. Now that it was out of the account specified for me, she seemed to forget that it had ever been in her name. She insisted there was no money with which to buy me another car, even a used one. I knew something wasn't right. Three months later, she purchased a new car for herself, trading in her old one. With my money. When pressed to explain, she conveniently misplaced any recollection that the money had originally been mine, and snapped at me, claiming I was being selfish (a favorite past-time of hers). Fun! Since I've become financially independent, many of our conflicts have subsided. My years in therapy helped me understand and thus develop a thicker skin. I have more compassion, and I can ignore (for the most part) her emotional transgressions. 3000 miles has done a lot for our relationship, and I'm pretty good at getting off the phone when she's " holding me hostage. " One of the few things that has continued to plague me is how she treats me with regard to others. She has constantly put me down with friends, other family members, and (the best yet) my soon-to-be father-in-law. I often feel unable to defend myself in these situations. This is my mother. If I explain the situation to them, especially after the fact, I seem defensive and immature. If I say nothing, she gets away with making outrageous claims about my behavior. Last night, she compared me to a bystander in Nazi Germany because I refused to take sides in an email argument (on which I was CC-d) between her and my (non) aunt. She spends literally tens of thousands of dollars every year on materially unnecessary things for herself (new clothes, shoes, cars, china, crystal, jewelry, etc.) but tells me she has " no money " to pay her medical bills and constantly stresses over her debt. She received a total of $45,000 from relatives for my college education. Her share of my college education was approximately $35,000. Nevertheless, she asked me to take out a student loan instead of her taking out a parent loan owing to the lower interest rates (which I only did after my dad let me know he'd take care of it if she defaulted) on top of my own share (most of which I covered with scholarships). Years later, my aunt revealed that my nada told her I had refused to take out a loan because I wanted to hurt her by forcing her to pay higher interest rates. She regularly claims she is suicidal/has cancer/is going bankrupt. She once told me I am the cause of all her problems, and when I asked her if she thought it was appropriate to say something like that to her daughter, she said yes. When I was 16, she packed my stuff into boxes and said she was shipping me to my dad. She bought a train ticket. She never lived up to her threat. When I graduated high school, she kicked me out THE DAY OF GRADUATION and told me never to come back. For the record, I never did drugs, I didn't drink until I turned 21 (except for Jewish holidays for which it was prescribed), and I was honest and responsible. I got good grades (although she sent notes to my teachers asking to be informed if I was " on my way to a B " ) and got into every school to which I applied. To many of you, I'm sure this is nothing. This, however, is the first real chance I've had to vent in several years, so I appreciate the opportunity to get it out. Even through my years of therapy, I never personally knew anyone else with a borderline personality in their family. It is comforting to see others out there who are surviving and even thriving. Thank you for (hopefully!) welcoming me. Just the fact that this community exists is inspiring. Clara --------------------------------- TV dinner still cooling? Check out " Tonight's Picks " on Yahoo! TV. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 6, 2007 Report Share Posted April 6, 2007 Welcome Clara, I hope you find some comfort and answers here. Janie Lilly LaFlure wrote: Welcome to the group Clara. I allways feel silly saying I am glad someone has joined the group. On the one hand I am glad they have found this place, however on the other hand I am sad that they have to be here. And what you wrote is not nothing to us. I know how hard it is too write the first post and give the details. Wondering if anyone will understand or care. Well guess what, well understand and we do care! Lilly Clara wrote: Hi Everyone, I'm Clara. I just joined today. I've known my mom was a nada for some time now (one of the useful elements of having a top-notch psychologist in the family), and while her behavior made my childhood really difficult, since I've moved out I've been able to control our interactions more and prevent her from " getting " to me most of the time. I went through intensive therapy throughout college, but since graduating two years ago I've been uninsured and thus without a therapist. One of the biggest issues I've had with my nada (who is a compulsive spender to the point of major, major debt despite starting off with significant financial advantage) is how she deals with money, and specifically how she dealt with money as it relates to me. Growing up, one of my horror stories involved the purchase of a car. My great-aunt set aside money for me in an account where I had to sign off before it could be used (smart thinking, right?) but my mom was " in charge " of it until I turned 18. When I was 17, I signed off on a down payment for a car of $7000. Two months later, I was hit by another driver going the wrong way on a highway at 65 mph. Fortunately, neither I nor my passenger was hurt. The car, on the other hand, was totaled. Because I was a minor, I was on my nada's insurance. When the check came for the car, it was in her name. Now that it was out of the account specified for me, she seemed to forget that it had ever been in her name. She insisted there was no money with which to buy me another car, even a used one. I knew something wasn't right. Three months later, she purchased a new car for herself, trading in her old one. With my money. When pressed to explain, she conveniently misplaced any recollection that the money had originally been mine, and snapped at me, claiming I was being selfish (a favorite past-time of hers). Fun! Since I've become financially independent, many of our conflicts have subsided. My years in therapy helped me understand and thus develop a thicker skin. I have more compassion, and I can ignore (for the most part) her emotional transgressions. 3000 miles has done a lot for our relationship, and I'm pretty good at getting off the phone when she's " holding me hostage. " One of the few things that has continued to plague me is how she treats me with regard to others. She has constantly put me down with friends, other family members, and (the best yet) my soon-to-be father-in-law. I often feel unable to defend myself in these situations. This is my mother. If I explain the situation to them, especially after the fact, I seem defensive and immature. If I say nothing, she gets away with making outrageous claims about my behavior. Last night, she compared me to a bystander in Nazi Germany because I refused to take sides in an email argument (on which I was CC-d) between her and my (non) aunt. She spends literally tens of thousands of dollars every year on materially unnecessary things for herself (new clothes, shoes, cars, china, crystal, jewelry, etc.) but tells me she has " no money " to pay her medical bills and constantly stresses over her debt. She received a total of $45,000 from relatives for my college education. Her share of my college education was approximately $35,000. Nevertheless, she asked me to take out a student loan instead of her taking out a parent loan owing to the lower interest rates (which I only did after my dad let me know he'd take care of it if she defaulted) on top of my own share (most of which I covered with scholarships). Years later, my aunt revealed that my nada told her I had refused to take out a loan because I wanted to hurt her by forcing her to pay higher interest rates. She regularly claims she is suicidal/has cancer/is going bankrupt. She once told me I am the cause of all her problems, and when I asked her if she thought it was appropriate to say something like that to her daughter, she said yes. When I was 16, she packed my stuff into boxes and said she was shipping me to my dad. She bought a train ticket. She never lived up to her threat. When I graduated high school, she kicked me out THE DAY OF GRADUATION and told me never to come back. For the record, I never did drugs, I didn't drink until I turned 21 (except for Jewish holidays for which it was prescribed), and I was honest and responsible. I got good grades (although she sent notes to my teachers asking to be informed if I was " on my way to a B " ) and got into every school to which I applied. To many of you, I'm sure this is nothing. This, however, is the first real chance I've had to vent in several years, so I appreciate the opportunity to get it out. Even through my years of therapy, I never personally knew anyone else with a borderline personality in their family. It is comforting to see others out there who are surviving and even thriving. Thank you for (hopefully!) welcoming me. Just the fact that this community exists is inspiring. Clara --------------------------------- TV dinner still cooling? Check out " Tonight's Picks " on Yahoo! TV. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 6, 2007 Report Share Posted April 6, 2007 Hi Clara, Welcome, I'm glad you are here. I've experienced many of the things you've shared, I think we all have, so you have come to the right place. It's interesting how are stories are so similar, like you, I never knew there were others like me until I joined this group. I've received great help from the book " Surviving Borderline Parent " and everyone else has shared how much they have gotten out of Walking on Eggshells and Borderline Mother. Good wishes for your journey. > > Hi Everyone, > > I'm Clara. I just joined today. I've known my mom was a nada for > some time now (one of the useful elements of having a top-notch > psychologist in the family), and while her behavior made my childhood > really difficult, since I've moved out I've been able to control our > interactions more and prevent her from " getting " to me most of the > time. I went through intensive therapy throughout college, but since > graduating two years ago I've been uninsured and thus without a therapist. > > One of the biggest issues I've had with my nada (who is a compulsive > spender to the point of major, major debt despite starting off with > significant financial advantage) is how she deals with money, and > specifically how she dealt with money as it relates to me. Growing > up, one of my horror stories involved the purchase of a car. My > great-aunt set aside money for me in an account where I had to sign > off before it could be used (smart thinking, right?) but my mom was > " in charge " of it until I turned 18. When I was 17, I signed off on a > down payment for a car of $7000. Two months later, I was hit by > another driver going the wrong way on a highway at 65 mph. > Fortunately, neither I nor my passenger was hurt. The car, on the > other hand, was totaled. > > Because I was a minor, I was on my nada's insurance. When the check > came for the car, it was in her name. Now that it was out of the > account specified for me, she seemed to forget that it had ever been > in her name. She insisted there was no money with which to buy me > another car, even a used one. I knew something wasn't right. > > Three months later, she purchased a new car for herself, trading in > her old one. With my money. When pressed to explain, she > conveniently misplaced any recollection that the money had originally > been mine, and snapped at me, claiming I was being selfish (a favorite > past-time of hers). Fun! > > Since I've become financially independent, many of our conflicts have > subsided. My years in therapy helped me understand and thus develop a > thicker skin. I have more compassion, and I can ignore (for the most > part) her emotional transgressions. 3000 miles has done a lot for our > relationship, and I'm pretty good at getting off the phone when she's > " holding me hostage. " > > One of the few things that has continued to plague me is how she > treats me with regard to others. She has constantly put me down with > friends, other family members, and (the best yet) my soon-to-be > father-in-law. I often feel unable to defend myself in these > situations. This is my mother. If I explain the situation to them, > especially after the fact, I seem defensive and immature. If I say > nothing, she gets away with making outrageous claims about my behavior. > > Last night, she compared me to a bystander in Nazi Germany because I > refused to take sides in an email argument (on which I was CC-d) > between her and my (non) aunt. > > She spends literally tens of thousands of dollars every year on > materially unnecessary things for herself (new clothes, shoes, cars, > china, crystal, jewelry, etc.) but tells me she has " no money " to pay > her medical bills and constantly stresses over her debt. She received > a total of $45,000 from relatives for my college education. Her share > of my college education was approximately $35,000. Nevertheless, she > asked me to take out a student loan instead of her taking out a parent > loan owing to the lower interest rates (which I only did after my dad > let me know he'd take care of it if she defaulted) on top of my own > share (most of which I covered with scholarships). Years later, my > aunt revealed that my nada told her I had refused to take out a loan > because I wanted to hurt her by forcing her to pay higher interest rates. > > She regularly claims she is suicidal/has cancer/is going bankrupt. > She once told me I am the cause of all her problems, and when I asked > her if she thought it was appropriate to say something like that to > her daughter, she said yes. > > When I was 16, she packed my stuff into boxes and said she was > shipping me to my dad. She bought a train ticket. She never lived up > to her threat. > > When I graduated high school, she kicked me out THE DAY OF GRADUATION > and told me never to come back. > > For the record, I never did drugs, I didn't drink until I turned 21 > (except for Jewish holidays for which it was prescribed), and I was > honest and responsible. I got good grades (although she sent notes to > my teachers asking to be informed if I was " on my way to a B " ) and got > into every school to which I applied. > > To many of you, I'm sure this is nothing. This, however, is the first > real chance I've had to vent in several years, so I appreciate the > opportunity to get it out. Even through my years of therapy, I never > personally knew anyone else with a borderline personality in their > family. It is comforting to see others out there who are surviving > and even thriving. Thank you for (hopefully!) welcoming me. Just the > fact that this community exists is inspiring. > > Clara > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 6, 2007 Report Share Posted April 6, 2007 welcome...my nada is this way too... >She has constantly put me down with >friends, other family members, and (the best yet) my soon-to-be father-in-law. I often feel unable to defend myself in these >situations. This is my mother. If I explain the situation to them, especially after the fact, I seem defensive and immature. If I say >nothing, she gets away with making outrageous claims about my behavior. at my neices wedding the morning of...nada and I were sitting at one of the tables and my neices soon to be in-laws were sitting with us, getting to know each other. Nada and I are both from different stats so we'd likely never see these people again. Out of the blue ( no one was even discussing college or anything remotly close) nada turnes to me and says in a loud voice " you lied to me!! " HUH ?? I said no I didn't...she said yes you did, you promised me you'd finish college after you got married and you still havent !! First off, I never made any such promise...and secondly my marriage was something like 16 years earlier..... that certainly wasn't the place to bring it up at...I just told her she was crazy and walked away... Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 6, 2007 Report Share Posted April 6, 2007 Thanks, Jackie and everyone else, for being so welcoming. It is *amazing* how similar all these experiences are. My nada's big on the " you lied to me " front. It's always in public, and there's never any provokation for it, and it's rarely anything that actually has to do with HER. Oy. Clara > > welcome...my nada is this way too... > > >She has constantly put me down with > >friends, other family members, and (the best yet) my soon-to-be > father-in-law. I often feel unable to defend myself in these > >situations. This is my mother. If I explain the situation to them, > especially after the fact, I seem defensive and immature. If I say > >nothing, she gets away with making outrageous claims about my behavior. > > at my neices wedding the morning of...nada and I were sitting at one of the > tables and my neices soon to be in-laws were sitting with us, getting to > know each other. Nada and I are both from different stats so we'd likely > never see these people again. Out of the blue ( no one was even discussing > college or anything remotly close) nada turnes to me and says in a loud > voice " you lied to me!! " HUH ?? I said no I didn't...she said yes you did, > you promised me you'd finish college after you got married and you still > havent !! First off, I never made any such promise...and secondly my > marriage was something like 16 years earlier..... that certainly wasn't the > place to bring it up at...I just told her she was crazy and walked away... > > Jackie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 6, 2007 Report Share Posted April 6, 2007 Clara, I've found that venting is one the most helpful things about this group. Everytime I write an e-mail talking about something nada did or didn't do, it feels like at least a little of it goes away. I hope it feels that way for you too! Happy Passover by the way! Jae Clara wrote: Hi Everyone, I'm Clara. I just joined today. I've known my mom was a nada for some time now (one of the useful elements of having a top-notch psychologist in the family), and while her behavior made my childhood really difficult, since I've moved out I've been able to control our interactions more and prevent her from " getting " to me most of the time. I went through intensive therapy throughout college, but since graduating two years ago I've been uninsured and thus without a therapist. One of the biggest issues I've had with my nada (who is a compulsive spender to the point of major, major debt despite starting off with significant financial advantage) is how she deals with money, and specifically how she dealt with money as it relates to me. Growing up, one of my horror stories involved the purchase of a car. My great-aunt set aside money for me in an account where I had to sign off before it could be used (smart thinking, right?) but my mom was " in charge " of it until I turned 18. When I was 17, I signed off on a down payment for a car of $7000. Two months later, I was hit by another driver going the wrong way on a highway at 65 mph. Fortunately, neither I nor my passenger was hurt. The car, on the other hand, was totaled. Because I was a minor, I was on my nada's insurance. When the check came for the car, it was in her name. Now that it was out of the account specified for me, she seemed to forget that it had ever been in her name. She insisted there was no money with which to buy me another car, even a used one. I knew something wasn't right. Three months later, she purchased a new car for herself, trading in her old one. With my money. When pressed to explain, she conveniently misplaced any recollection that the money had originally been mine, and snapped at me, claiming I was being selfish (a favorite past-time of hers). Fun! Since I've become financially independent, many of our conflicts have subsided. My years in therapy helped me understand and thus develop a thicker skin. I have more compassion, and I can ignore (for the most part) her emotional transgressions. 3000 miles has done a lot for our relationship, and I'm pretty good at getting off the phone when she's " holding me hostage. " One of the few things that has continued to plague me is how she treats me with regard to others. She has constantly put me down with friends, other family members, and (the best yet) my soon-to-be father-in-law. I often feel unable to defend myself in these situations. This is my mother. If I explain the situation to them, especially after the fact, I seem defensive and immature. If I say nothing, she gets away with making outrageous claims about my behavior. Last night, she compared me to a bystander in Nazi Germany because I refused to take sides in an email argument (on which I was CC-d) between her and my (non) aunt. She spends literally tens of thousands of dollars every year on materially unnecessary things for herself (new clothes, shoes, cars, china, crystal, jewelry, etc.) but tells me she has " no money " to pay her medical bills and constantly stresses over her debt. She received a total of $45,000 from relatives for my college education. Her share of my college education was approximately $35,000. Nevertheless, she asked me to take out a student loan instead of her taking out a parent loan owing to the lower interest rates (which I only did after my dad let me know he'd take care of it if she defaulted) on top of my own share (most of which I covered with scholarships). Years later, my aunt revealed that my nada told her I had refused to take out a loan because I wanted to hurt her by forcing her to pay higher interest rates. She regularly claims she is suicidal/has cancer/is going bankrupt. She once told me I am the cause of all her problems, and when I asked her if she thought it was appropriate to say something like that to her daughter, she said yes. When I was 16, she packed my stuff into boxes and said she was shipping me to my dad. She bought a train ticket. She never lived up to her threat. When I graduated high school, she kicked me out THE DAY OF GRADUATION and told me never to come back. For the record, I never did drugs, I didn't drink until I turned 21 (except for Jewish holidays for which it was prescribed), and I was honest and responsible. I got good grades (although she sent notes to my teachers asking to be informed if I was " on my way to a B " ) and got into every school to which I applied. To many of you, I'm sure this is nothing. This, however, is the first real chance I've had to vent in several years, so I appreciate the opportunity to get it out. Even through my years of therapy, I never personally knew anyone else with a borderline personality in their family. It is comforting to see others out there who are surviving and even thriving. Thank you for (hopefully!) welcoming me. Just the fact that this community exists is inspiring. Clara --------------------------------- Don't be flakey. Get Yahoo! Mail for Mobile and always stay connected to friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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