Guest guest Posted April 10, 2007 Report Share Posted April 10, 2007 I think that all most all of us on this list have at one time or another worried that we were also crazy. I don't think one incient of throwing a glass of water at him means your crazy or like him. Maybe you had finally just had enough! Lilly the destroyer wrote: Hi I am , I'm 18 years old and started uni in October, I'm from the UK btw. I am so glad to have found this website, my dad has never been diagnosed with borderline but from everything I have read about it his behaviour seems pretty spot on. I don't really want anyone's sympathy or anything I just want to get better but some bad stuff happened over the weekend while we were on holiday and I would really appreciate some perspective on it all or maybe meet someone who's been in a similar position. I am trying desperately to understand my dad but it has got to the stage where I am thinking about cutting off contact with him altogether if him and my mum separate (which is looking increasingly likely). I know he has borderline personality disorder and it is an illness and he is ill but I do think he does manipulate people and he deliberately makes them feel guilty about the slightest things and then he becomes depressed, but at other times he can be so incredibly nasty and then he acts like the nicest person in the world and you wonder whether the bad stuff actually happened. I have terrible memories of him as a child which are taking me a long time to get over, and he has treated my mum appallingly during the years but every time she tries to leave him he has another breakdown. I also have OCD and at the moment it is taking the form of horrible thoughts all the time of having BPD and being like him and taking personality disorder tests on the internet until I don't believe I have it any more. I'm in a really bad place right now. I know life is going to get better but the fact is that I lost control with him on Saturday I ended up throwing a glass of water at him and I feel so ashamed of myself and frightened that I am perhaps becoming a violent person and will be unable to control myself like him. Sorry about the name I don't know why it says " the destroyer " on here I haven't joined any yahoo groups for a long time and I called myself that on my email when I was a lot younger. My actual name is Horwitz. Thank you so much for this website I have been looking for a group like this for ages now. --------------------------------- It's here! Your new message! Get new email alerts with the free Yahoo! Toolbar. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 10, 2007 Report Share Posted April 10, 2007 Thanks Lilly. His breakdowns are starting to become an annual event. He got obsessed with computers after he gave up running a business and he went off with this woman from the internet about four years ago when I was having quite a bad time at school (I'm bisexual and I also had some other learning difficulties/other problems at the time) and he announced to the whole family that he was going to leave and have children with her, this did not happen (unfortunately), and he promised to change but he did not, and it sickens me that he was able to manipulate everyone into feeling sorry for him! When I was a child he either ignored me or he took the piss or he was horrible, ranting on and on and on and on at stuff I had done for hours. He denies this now saying that he only did it once or twice. But it was not just this, he had a belief that we should be made to listen to arguments so that we could know what the real world was like, and therefore we would listen for hours while he screamed on about him and my mum's divorce, which again unfortunately did not occur. He has a paranoia about myself and my sister trying to engineer a split between himself and my mum and believes that my mum's friends are a bad influence on her. But after his breakdown last summer he was saccharine sweet and nice, telling us all the time that we were the " most wonderful people in the world " . About a month ago my sister was rude to him and then he started ranting about divorce again and planning the division of properties etc. When my mum confronted him on this he said " Well if she is trying to split us up she ought to know what it means!!!!!!!! " My sister does not know the reason for his rant, she was completely baffled and she assumes that he just went insane as usual. But other times, he can be so nice and caring that you wonder whether perhaps you might have imagined it all. He is also training to be a counsellor and I was relieved to read about the fact that many people's parents seem to be doing this as well. My sister who is still living at home all the time says that he drives her crazy by quoting from psychological books and asking her what she thinks all the time. These are just a few examples of the things he has done, of which there are many. I lost control about six months ago and hit him when he was deeply " depressed " and he was saying " since i've caused you all this pain why dont you cause me some? " I don't want to blame him for everything bad that happened in my life because I don't think he's been responsible for all of it. I hope this post does not come across as me feeling sorry for myself. I guess I need to talk to people who understand about this stuff. > Hi I am , I'm 18 years old and started uni in October, I'm > from the UK btw. I am so glad to have found this website, my dad has > never been diagnosed with borderline but from everything I have read > about it his behaviour seems pretty spot on. I don't really want > anyone's sympathy or anything I just want to get better but some bad > stuff happened over the weekend while we were on holiday and I would > really appreciate some perspective on it all or maybe meet someone > who's been in a similar position. I am trying desperately to > understand my dad but it has got to the stage where I am thinking > about cutting off contact with him altogether if him and my mum > separate (which is looking increasingly likely). > > I know he has borderline personality disorder and it is an illness > and he is ill but I do think he does manipulate people and he > deliberately makes them feel guilty about the slightest things and > then he becomes depressed, but at other times he can be so incredibly > nasty and then he acts like the nicest person in the world and you > wonder whether the bad stuff actually happened. I have terrible > memories of him as a child which are taking me a long time to get > over, and he has treated my mum appallingly during the years but > every time she tries to leave him he has another breakdown. I also > have OCD and at the moment it is taking the form of horrible thoughts > all the time of having BPD and being like him and taking personality > disorder tests on the internet until I don't believe I have it any > more. > > I'm in a really bad place right now. I know life is going to get > better but the fact is that I lost control with him on Saturday I > ended up throwing a glass of water at him and I feel so ashamed of > myself and frightened that I am perhaps becoming a violent person and > will be unable to control myself like him. > > Sorry about the name I don't know why it says " the destroyer " on here > I haven't joined any yahoo groups for a long time and I called myself > that on my email when I was a lot younger. My actual name is > Horwitz. > > Thank you so much for this website I have been looking for a group > like this for ages now. > > > > > > > --------------------------------- > It's here! Your new message! > Get new email alerts with the free Yahoo! Toolbar. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 11, 2007 Report Share Posted April 11, 2007 Hiya What is UBM? I am ordering stop walking on eggshells and the borderline parent book but I've never heard of that one. " Understanding The Borderline Mother " by Lawson Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 11, 2007 Report Share Posted April 11, 2007 OK right thanks. But would borderline fathers not be somewhat different? lol. I suppose not if they have the same disease, haha. Does it talk about men in there as well as women? I have to say it is such a relief not having to take all this seriously! I have just ordered stop walking on eggshells, I might ring the bookshop back tomorrow and ask them to ring my mobile number when it comes rather than my home number, seeing as I will be back at uni soon and besides I don't exactly want him picking up the phone when it has arrived, lol. > > Hiya What is UBM? I am ordering stop walking on eggshells and the > borderline parent book but I've never heard of that one. > > > > " Understanding The Borderline Mother " by Lawson > > Jackie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 11, 2007 Report Share Posted April 11, 2007 OK right thanks. But would borderline fathers not be somewhat different? lol. I suppose not if they have the same disease, haha. Does it talk about men in there as well as women? I have to say it is such a relief not having to take all this seriously! I have just ordered stop walking on eggshells, I might ring the bookshop back tomorrow and ask them to ring my mobile number when it comes rather than my home number, seeing as I will be back at uni soon and besides I don't exactly want him picking up the phone when it has arrived, lol. it is mainly the dynamics between a mother and her children and how BPD affects them all. The men are the enablers..so if you're thinking about reading this because it's your father whose borderling and not your mother, I don't think I'd spend the money ( it's not a cheap book) and stick with SWOE, Surviving a Bordeline Parent, and Boundaries Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 11, 2007 Report Share Posted April 11, 2007 OK right thanks. But would borderline fathers not be somewhat different? lol. I suppose not if they have the same disease, haha. Does it talk about men in there as well as women? I have to say it is such a relief not having to take all this seriously! I have just ordered stop walking on eggshells, I might ring the bookshop back tomorrow and ask them to ring my mobile number when it comes rather than my home number, seeing as I will be back at uni soon and besides I don't exactly want him picking up the phone when it has arrived, lol. it is mainly the dynamics between a mother and her children and how BPD affects them all. The men are the enablers..so if you're thinking about reading this because it's your father whose borderling and not your mother, I don't think I'd spend the money ( it's not a cheap book) and stick with SWOE, Surviving a Bordeline Parent, and Boundaries Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 11, 2007 Report Share Posted April 11, 2007 That surviving a borderline parent book looks REALLY good. I can't believe I am saying that about that type of book, but I have said it about " that type " of book quite a lot recently. I looked on the " search inside " in Amazon and I was amazed how much it sounded like my childhood with my crazy dad. It was weird enough when I bought a book about obsessive compulsive disorder and read the case studies in it I cried at how much what happened to people was like me and the fact that there were other people exactly like me and I was not alone. The book about borderline parents also said do you also experience difficulty with relationships and guilt and all of those things that it asked would apply to my life. I feel so relieved that I am not crazy. He can always act so nice and then I think I have imagined it all and he also accuses everyone of the same behaviour that he does. I feel sick at the way that everyone just thinks he is such a " lovely " person and he just needs a bit more care and attention and he will be OK. He has had so much attention from everyone it is like a black hole and it is never satisfied. My mum said that he is quite unstable at the moment, well, I said to her that he has always been unstalbe. I am not sure whether I've had a bad relationship with my mum, we have always been very close and my sister has also been, but she said that she feels like alot of our relationship has been defined by our reactions to my dad so sort of almost like a war zone. I don't know what she could have done differently I have talked to her about a lot of it and she has accepted that she has done some things wrong. I don't know what to do about my feelings and whether this is normal to feel like this. I know my mum didn't do everything perfectly but she did a lot for us and she did support us. I mean I think my mum was largely a good parent but I do think that she could have done a lot of things differently (such as divorcing him). And I do think my dad has in some ways been good although the BPD craziness always kicks in. I was talking to my mum about this website and about borderline personality disorder and told her that I read a comment on someones blog saying that they had " dated a load of these walking disasters " . I started laughing so hard. She said " surely he'd have had enough with just ONE? " I told her about how someone on this website (I'm sorry, I can't remember who it was) had both parents with it and a sister with it, I hope that's all right that I told her about that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 11, 2007 Report Share Posted April 11, 2007 SABP is an excellent book, it has helped me tremendously. It has exercises which help turn replace the negative behaviors with positive ones. I feel it is reteaching me everything. Good luck on your journey, you will find lots of useful info. here and in books. > > That surviving a borderline parent book looks REALLY good. I can't > believe I am saying that about that type of book, but I have said it > about " that type " of book quite a lot recently. I looked on > the " search inside " in Amazon and I was amazed how much it sounded > like my childhood with my crazy dad. It was weird enough when I > bought a book about obsessive compulsive disorder and read the case > studies in it I cried at how much what happened to people was like me > and the fact that there were other people exactly like me and I was > not alone. The book about borderline parents also said do you also > experience difficulty with relationships and guilt and all of those > things that it asked would apply to my life. I feel so relieved that > I am not crazy. He can always act so nice and then I think I have > imagined it all and he also accuses everyone of the same behaviour > that he does. I feel sick at the way that everyone just thinks he is > such a " lovely " person and he just needs a bit more care and > attention and he will be OK. He has had so much attention from > everyone it is like a black hole and it is never satisfied. My mum > said that he is quite unstable at the moment, well, I said to her > that he has always been unstalbe. I am not sure whether I've had a > bad relationship with my mum, we have always been very close and my > sister has also been, but she said that she feels like alot of our > relationship has been defined by our reactions to my dad so sort of > almost like a war zone. I don't know what she could have done > differently I have talked to her about a lot of it and she has > accepted that she has done some things wrong. I don't know what to do > about my feelings and whether this is normal to feel like this. I > know my mum didn't do everything perfectly but she did a lot for us > and she did support us. > > I mean I think my mum was largely a good parent but I do think that > she could have done a lot of things differently (such as divorcing > him). And I do think my dad has in some ways been good although the > BPD craziness always kicks in. > > I was talking to my mum about this website and about borderline > personality disorder and told her that I read a comment on someones > blog saying that they had " dated a load of these walking disasters " . > I started laughing so hard. She said " surely he'd have had enough > with just ONE? " I told her about how someone on this website (I'm > sorry, I can't remember who it was) had both parents with it and a > sister with it, I hope that's all right that I told her about that. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 11, 2007 Report Share Posted April 11, 2007 OK right thanks. But would borderline fathers not be somewhat different? lol. I suppose not if they have the same disease, haha. Does it talk about men in there as well as women? I have to say it is such a relief not having to take all this seriously! I have just ordered stop walking on eggshells, I might ring the bookshop back tomorrow and ask them to ring my mobile number when it comes rather than my home number, seeing as I will be back at uni soon and besides I don't exactly want him picking up the phone when it has arrived, lol. men with BPD would be very similar to nadas with it...but usually it's the mothers who chare, nurture and raise the kids, and the father, even when normal, is more on the outside fringe of the family ( remember, I'm a kid of the 50's) The book does discuss men, but " normal " men who marry BPD women and how they usually act Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 11, 2007 Report Share Posted April 11, 2007 Yes indeed. When he stopped working (He has not worked for about eight years) he became quite a lot more like how you're describing. Especially with my sister, people think her and him have a good relationship, because he always got a lot more intensely involved with her than with me (he either insulted me or pretended like I wasn't there). She was in other words the " good one " except that you know that nothing is that simple, and in my opinion, she has had a harder time of it than me, because at least I know where I stood if you see what I mean. I don't understand why most people with this condition are women? I have never met a women who had it (apart from talking to them online, but fortunately they've never had kids). My dad's dad had/has it as well apparently, (except I don't think it was called BPD then) I don't know what he's like now because I hardly ever see him, but my grandma and him divorced when my dad was a child. > > OK right thanks. But would borderline fathers not be somewhat > different? lol. I suppose not if they have the same disease, haha. Does > it talk about men in there as well as women? I have to say it is such a > relief not having to take all this seriously! I have just ordered stop > walking on eggshells, I might ring the bookshop back tomorrow and ask > them to ring my mobile number when it comes rather than my home number, > seeing as I will be back at uni soon and besides I don't exactly want > him picking up the phone when it has arrived, lol. > > > > men with BPD would be very similar to nadas with it...but usually it's the > mothers who chare, nurture and raise the kids, and the father, even when > normal, is more on the outside fringe of the family ( remember, I'm a kid of > the 50's) The book does discuss men, but " normal " men who marry BPD women > and how they usually act > > > Jackie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 11, 2007 Report Share Posted April 11, 2007 Yes indeed. When he stopped working (He has not worked for about eight years) he became quite a lot more like how you're describing. Especially with my sister, people think her and him have a good relationship, because he always got a lot more intensely involved with her than with me (he either insulted me or pretended like I wasn't there). She was in other words the " good one " except that you know that nothing is that simple, and in my opinion, she has had a harder time of it than me, because at least I know where I stood if you see what I mean. I don't understand why most people with this condition are women? I have never met a women who had it (apart from talking to them online, but fortunately they've never had kids). My dad's dad had/has it as well apparently, (except I don't think it was called BPD then) I don't know what he's like now because I hardly ever see him, but my grandma and him divorced when my dad was a child. > > OK right thanks. But would borderline fathers not be somewhat > different? lol. I suppose not if they have the same disease, haha. Does > it talk about men in there as well as women? I have to say it is such a > relief not having to take all this seriously! I have just ordered stop > walking on eggshells, I might ring the bookshop back tomorrow and ask > them to ring my mobile number when it comes rather than my home number, > seeing as I will be back at uni soon and besides I don't exactly want > him picking up the phone when it has arrived, lol. > > > > men with BPD would be very similar to nadas with it...but usually it's the > mothers who chare, nurture and raise the kids, and the father, even when > normal, is more on the outside fringe of the family ( remember, I'm a kid of > the 50's) The book does discuss men, but " normal " men who marry BPD women > and how they usually act > > > Jackie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 11, 2007 Report Share Posted April 11, 2007 >She was in other words the " good one " except that you know that nothing is that simple, and in my opinion, she has had a >harder time of it than me, because at least I know where I stood if you see what I mean. yes, I do..being the " bad " child, I know nothing will ever please the witch, nothing will ever be good enough and I'll never get credit for anything.. >I don't understand why most people with this condition are women? I >have never met a women who had it (apart from talking to them online, but fortunately they've never had kids). My dad's dad had/has it as >well apparently, yes, I believe more women do have BPD then men..I have never knowingly met a man with it...but really, I only have my mother ( the witch/queen but mostly witch BPD) and my sister ( the waif) and her daughter ( waif also) with BPD and my other sister is very narcissistic.... Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 11, 2007 Report Share Posted April 11, 2007 I am sorry to hear that, it can't be easy. No I mean he does have some good qualities and he wasn't always horrible. My sister is fine, she is alot more normal than I ever have been lol, but she's 15. He gets on " well " with her but she is getting increasingly fed up of him and today asked my mum " when's it gonna stop? You have to realise that divorce is the only option! " He shouldn't really behave the way with her which he does, and it especially drives her up the wall when people in our extended family comment on how much like him she is. She doesn't compulsively research behaviours and that type of stuff, I don't think she knows what BPD actually " is " , but she is terrified of being like him perhaps because she has heard that she is so many times, which is absolute nonsense, she is absolutely nothing like someone with BPD at all! I feel sorry for her being so close to him and having to put up with all of his behaviours. I never really tried to be close to him, I totally shut myself off and pretended that he didn't exist or spent all the time trying to avoid him, which is why I have those kind of reactions when he tries to get close to me. In recent years we have been getting along better, but that is only because I'm spending long times away from home because I'm at uni and my mum kind of forced him to try to make an effort with me. I have met another man who had it, my second cousin's dad (my mum's cousin's husband) who has a much more severe form of it than my dad. He has been diagnosed as " bipolar " and he has been incredibly violent etc and done some crazy things ... however, I know a girl on my floor who has manic depression/bipolar disorder and the kind of things she says she's done are nothing like that, from his mad obsessions and mood swings he sounds alot more like my dad except a more extreme and low functioning form. It was quite obvious that there was something not quite right about him when he entered their house, by the way that he talked, and another thing is that he has " got religion " in a major way as well. Our family must be cursed or something with all these horrible husbands! I have never actually met a woman who had it although my mum's grandma seems to be an example of a psychopath. She locked my mum's mum in a cupboard when she was little and used to try to drown her in the bath! She also used to cheat people out of their wills who were just about to die by persuading them that she was a trustworthy person to leave money to. I don't think that is BPD, I think that must be a psychopath, although I could be wrong, lol. > > >She was in other words the " good one " except that you > know that nothing is that simple, and in my opinion, she has had a > >harder time of it than me, because at least I know where I stood if > you see what I mean. > > yes, I do..being the " bad " child, I know nothing will ever please the witch, > nothing will ever be good enough and I'll never get credit for anything.. > > >I don't understand why most people with this condition are women? I > >have never met a women who had it (apart from talking to them online, > but fortunately they've never had kids). My dad's dad had/has it as > >well apparently, > > yes, I believe more women do have BPD then men..I have never knowingly met a > man with it...but really, I only have my mother ( the witch/queen but mostly > witch BPD) and my sister ( the waif) and her daughter ( waif also) with BPD > and my other sister is very narcissistic.... > > Jackie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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