Re: sympathy and detachment

April 8, 2007

>I must be in the minority here. Other KO's express some form of grief

or sympathy about thier own aging Nadas getting sick and dying, etc.

>Its comendable that you all have even an ounce of compassion for them.

don't feel bad, Cristie, I'm in your boat...I don't hate nada, I don't love

her, I feel nothing at all..she's a stranger to me....I know many would

think it's very cold of me, but as nasty as she's been to me ( and still

tries) I just detach myself from her whole being...she is 100% toxic and I

have been poisoned long enough

Jackie

April 8, 2007

Are you seeing a theropist to deal with your anger? That is a whole

lot of hateful anger raging inside that needs to be be dealt with if

you ever hope to heal and be free of your nada. Just because she is

dead or dying doesn't mean your free of her. I hope for your sake

you get help to deal with that destruction eating you up inside. If

you don't, your nada will always be apart of you in more ways than

one. No one out there will ever forget what they have done to us,

but for us to heal ourselves, we need to get help to learn how to

let it go.

Answer me this, do you REALLY take pleasure in someone elses pain

reguadless of what they have done in this world? Or is that anger

covering up a whole lot of hurt? Guess what, borderlines don't take

pity or joy in our miseries, they don't care enough about us to do

that. They were born unable to love or feel empathy for others. They

really don't extend any kinds of feelings for us at all. Feelings

are deep emotions. They feel intensly, but not capable of true deep

emotions. Good or bad. They are without a self. A shell of a person,

grasping onto the " host " like a good little parasite. They seek

drama to keep how bad they feel about themselves away from them.

Even with theropy, they can only hope to modify their behavior, but

they would never be able to love us or anyone else. Not in them. So

what then? You must fix yourself and learn to grieve it all let it

go or it will own you forever. Remeber this about BPD, it is, it was

and always will be. That is as simple as in gets. Please find help

so you can move on.

Hope you find peace-ec73

>

> I must be in the minority here. Other KO's express some form of

grief

> or sympathy about thier own aging Nadas getting sick and dying,

etc.

> Its comendable that you all have even an ounce of compassion for

them.

>

> However, when my aging nada suffered Alzheimers and later some

kind of

> cancer I'd felt no sympathy towards her pains, nor did i care that

she

> died alone and " abandoned " rotting away in the institution she was

> locked up in.

>

> Once my cousin called up and expressed that someone needs to check

on

> nada to be sure there are no bruises from the staff mistreating

her.

> (As if any of Nadas FOO ever bothered to check me for bruises and

> broken bones) I just about died laughing when i got off the

phone.

>

> Detachment works wonders.

>

April 8, 2007

Here is an interesting article on " Keeping the silence " its meant for

parents and relatives of BPD who judge and blame the victim BPD

children http://www.bpd411.org/silence.html

You sure do assume alot in your reply. I am quite aware of the BPD

frame of mind why they behave that way. Detaching from the one who

breaks my bones is not the same as destruction. you sound just like

nada. Judgemental.

> >

> > I must be in the minority here. Other KO's express some form of

> grief

> > or sympathy about thier own aging Nadas getting sick and dying,

> etc.

> > Its comendable that you all have even an ounce of compassion for

> them.

> >

> > However, when my aging nada suffered Alzheimers and later some

> kind of

> > cancer I'd felt no sympathy towards her pains, nor did i care

that

> she

> > died alone and " abandoned " rotting away in the institution she

was

> > locked up in.

> >

> > Once my cousin called up and expressed that someone needs to

check

> on

> > nada to be sure there are no bruises from the staff mistreating

> her.

> > (As if any of Nadas FOO ever bothered to check me for bruises

and

> > broken bones) I just about died laughing when i got off the

> phone.

> >

> > Detachment works wonders.

> >

>

April 8, 2007

I think that detachment is a good thing and I am working toward that

goal, but I am looking to reach some kind of middle ground in between

where I was at the beginning of this process and where you have become

comfortable. I would still like to have compassion for nada as a human

being, but realize that, like the homeless man asking for food on the

corner, my needs and comfort are more important to me than his or nada's.

I will not entirely discount every good thing she has done for me,

because some of it was really her best effort at being the best parent

she could be. On the other hand, the abuse was and is unacceptable. I

truly wish my nada the best and if I come to the place emotionally

that I am striving toward, if she fails, I will see it as sad, but not

devistating to my self worth as a human being.

I read in one of these books somewhere that neither submission nor

rebellion is freedom from the abusive parent. I'm not sure if that is

actually relevant here, but for me balance is the key to freedom.

Melany

April 8, 2007

Yep toxic and they prey on you especially where they can get others

to beleive you are " overreacting " or being " destructive " I been

through the forgiveness stuff years ago. " Stranger " is exactly the

way i see it. For someone to call me up and assume there is still any

attachment is really just dupming someones problem on me about some

anonomous something i dont care to hear about. Kind of like junk mail

or telemarketing you get asking for donations. It is a perfectly

normal reaction to someones " pain " if that person was the ones who

broke your bones. Anger my but, desrtuctive my *ss. thats rather

presumptious and judgemental of anyone to say that. whats so damn

terrible about staying out of that persons life? period.

Thanks for understanding. I can tell you have been there.

Cristie

>

> >I must be in the minority here. Other KO's express some form of

grief

> or sympathy about thier own aging Nadas getting sick and dying, etc.

> >Its comendable that you all have even an ounce of compassion for

them.

>

> don't feel bad, Cristie, I'm in your boat...I don't hate nada, I

don't love

> her, I feel nothing at all..she's a stranger to me....I know many

would

> think it's very cold of me, but as nasty as she's been to me ( and

still

> tries) I just detach myself from her whole being...she is 100%

toxic and I

> have been poisoned long enough

>

> Jackie

>

April 8, 2007

Also, everyone's personal experiences have been different. Some nadas

were all horror all the time, while others had some redeeming

qualities. So, I would like to add as an additional thought/correction

that just because I am seeking a different place than you does not

mean your abhorance of her is not valid. I just kind of set out there

what balance means for me, but it doesn't mean the same thing for

everyone, and that's something good for me to remember. I'm sorry if I

invalidated your experience in any way.

Melany

April 8, 2007

I talked to our preist at length about forgiveness in a situation

like that. he said you can forgive but never forget. Its not the same

thing as forgive and let that person do it to you all over again. I

had his full blesssings in staying AWAY from nada, whatever it took.

Jsut like many mentally disordered the best way to handle them is to

ignore them. Just like you said - Dont submit, dont rebell. in other

words dont react. One good thing of al this i have the ability to

imediately detach from any abusive situation just like that.

>

> I think that detachment is a good thing and I am working toward that

> goal, but I am looking to reach some kind of middle ground in

between

> where I was at the beginning of this process and where you have

become

> comfortable. I would still like to have compassion for nada as a

human

> being, but realize that, like the homeless man asking for food on

the

> corner, my needs and comfort are more important to me than his or

nada's.

>

> I will not entirely discount every good thing she has done for me,

> because some of it was really her best effort at being the best

parent

> she could be. On the other hand, the abuse was and is unacceptable.

I

> truly wish my nada the best and if I come to the place emotionally

> that I am striving toward, if she fails, I will see it as sad, but

not

> devistating to my self worth as a human being.

>

> I read in one of these books somewhere that neither submission nor

> rebellion is freedom from the abusive parent. I'm not sure if that

is

> actually relevant here, but for me balance is the key to freedom.

>

> Melany

>

April 8, 2007

no apologies necesary Melany. I just figured you were expressing what

was best in your situation- which is good for you and maybe i can learn

from the balance thing. However you deal with it is up to you as long

as you dont hurt somebody else cause then it just keeps the illness

alive. My experience and your experience or horrific in different ways.

Also i believe each of us has a unique temperament we are born with

which in ways help us to deal with tragedy and abuse.

If others veiw me as unaturally cold and indifferent is not entirely

false. I had a childhood illness in formative years which kind of

precluded me from bonding naturally with nada. Long story. I am sure it

hurt her that i was unresponsive to her touch from day one. It must

have really magnified her own abandonment issue at the core of BPD.

Other ways it protected me from her because we never bonded.

Thanks, C

>

> Also, everyone's personal experiences have been different. Some nadas

> were all horror all the time, while others had some redeeming

> qualities. So, I would like to add as an additional thought/correction

> that just because I am seeking a different place than you does not

> mean your abhorance of her is not valid. I just kind of set out there

> what balance means for me, but it doesn't mean the same thing for

> everyone, and that's something good for me to remember. I'm sorry if I

> invalidated your experience in any way.

>

> Melany

>

April 8, 2007

I felt totally detached for years then a couple years ago thought I

resolved things with my nada, not realizing she was BPD at the time.

So then I allowed myself to get close, only to have her blast me

recently ... I was so hurt I cant tell you and angry at myself for

allowing me to trust her thinking she had changed, I was happy for a

couple years anyway. Felt like I had a real mom. She obviously cant

handle any sort of stress because once my dad died recent she almost

literally died with him:(

Now I am working on redetaching myself from her, I was calling my

brother to see how she is as she is in the hospital saying she doesnt

even want me to know anything. But then decided why should I put

myself through this stress when she doesnt give a crap about me? Shes

done enough damage to me emotionally, I dont want or need anymore..

>

> >I must be in the minority here. Other KO's express some form of grief

> or sympathy about thier own aging Nadas getting sick and dying, etc.

> >Its comendable that you all have even an ounce of compassion for them.

>

> don't feel bad, Cristie, I'm in your boat...I don't hate nada, I

don't love

> her, I feel nothing at all..she's a stranger to me....I know many would

> think it's very cold of me, but as nasty as she's been to me ( and

still

> tries) I just detach myself from her whole being...she is 100% toxic

and I

> have been poisoned long enough

>

> Jackie

>

April 8, 2007

Cristie,

Thank you for posting this article! I was not aware of this website.

I'm going to check it out.

Sylvia

>

> Here is an interesting article on " Keeping the silence " its meant

for

> parents and relatives of BPD who judge and blame the victim BPD

> children http://www.bpd411.org/silence.html

>.........

April 8, 2007

,

Just as a discussion point - I think it is possible for someone with

BPD to be able to love someone else. Many of our posters have

indicated that they know their BP parent loves them. In fact, I

think that love would be the motivation for someone with BPD to get

into therapy. There have been a few success stories with BPD - even

thought the experiences of this board are to the contrary.

Sylvia

>

>......

> Even with theropy, they can only hope to modify their behavior,

but

> they would never be able to love us or anyone else. Not in

them. .......-ec73

>

April 8, 2007

,

Just as a discussion point - I think it is possible for someone with

BPD to be able to love someone else. Many of our posters have

indicated that they know their BP parent loves them. In fact, I

think that love would be the motivation for someone with BPD to get

into therapy. There have been a few success stories with BPD - even

thought the experiences of this board are to the contrary.

Sylvia

>

>......

> Even with theropy, they can only hope to modify their behavior,

but

> they would never be able to love us or anyone else. Not in

them. .......-ec73

>

April 8, 2007

,

Just as a discussion point - I think it is possible for someone with

BPD to be able to love someone else. Many of our posters have

indicated that they know their BP parent loves them. In fact, I

think that love would be the motivation for someone with BPD to get

into therapy. There have been a few success stories with BPD - even

thought the experiences of this board are to the contrary.

Sylvia

>

>......

> Even with theropy, they can only hope to modify their behavior,

but

> they would never be able to love us or anyone else. Not in

them. .......-ec73

>

April 8, 2007

I think forgiveness is letting go. You let go of the fear, the

hate, the anger, the pain, and you are mostly no longer affected by

what happened. In this context, I may have forgiven my nada (hmmmm -

big surprise here!) I still have an emotional reaction to her, and

I am able to accept that may always be the case. After all, this

woman emotionally abused me for over 20 years. When I hear her

voice, of if I should see her, that would trigger KO emotions in

me. But I am rather good at dealing with those emotions now. She

can't hurt me any more, however. My adult will protect my inner

child from any more nada hurt. My reactions to her now are only for

things in my past.

Sylvia

> >

> > I think that detachment is a good thing and I am working toward

that

> > goal, but I am looking to reach some kind of middle ground in

> between

> > where I was at the beginning of this process and where you have

> become

> > comfortable. I would still like to have compassion for nada as a

> human

> > being, but realize that, like the homeless man asking for food

on

> the

> > corner, my needs and comfort are more important to me than his

or

> nada's.

> >

> > I will not entirely discount every good thing she has done for

me,

> > because some of it was really her best effort at being the best

> parent

> > she could be. On the other hand, the abuse was and is

unacceptable.

> I

> > truly wish my nada the best and if I come to the place

emotionally

> > that I am striving toward, if she fails, I will see it as sad,

but

> not

> > devistating to my self worth as a human being.

> >

> > I read in one of these books somewhere that neither submission

nor

> > rebellion is freedom from the abusive parent. I'm not sure if

that

> is

> > actually relevant here, but for me balance is the key to freedom.

> >

> > Melany

> >

>

April 8, 2007