Re: When to open up?

[Guest guest]

Hi there,

I'm not sure exactly either, as I am also dealing with similar issues. I don't

think you have

to fully disclose anything until you're really ready. You could say something

vague like " I

had a difficult childhood/past and it makes it harder for me to open up, but I'm

working

hard on getting better at it and I'm really open to change " or something like

that. You

could make him a partner in your process of learning how to trust and open up. I

think if

you engage people in open dialogue about the issue, even if you're not ready to

tell all,

you've already made the first step of letting someone in. If it doesn't work out

with him as

a result, then he maybe wasn't the right person for you at this point in your

life. None of

this is written in stone, just my thoughts.

I haven't told my SO about any of this. He knows that my family is

dysfunctional. But that's

all I've told him really. He's also seen me typing away on here and intensely

reading books.

He asks me what I'm doing and so I tell him I'm working on a secret project,

which is true.

The project is my recovery, which is not something I'm ready to share yet. I

just told him

yesterday that my project involves self-improvement, and that I'm going through

a

transition right now. Maybe little by little I will let him in. But I'm doing it

on my time table.

I know you want to run away right now, as I too have a hard time with

commitment. But

this is a really great opportunity to prove to yourself that you can change for

the better. He

may not turn out to be " the one " but if you make progress in opening up to

someone with

him then it's totally worth it. If he seems to you like a good, upstanding

individual, letting

go a little and opening up to him might feel like the greatest thing in the

world. Good luck!

[Guest guest]

Two sides to my answer, both depending on how long you've been dating

this guy, and how long and how well you knew him before you started

dating.

My first thought is that dating should be fun, and should be free of

the overanalysis that many of us are guilty of. Give the relationship

a chance to gain some footing, enjoy each other, enjoy the mystery and

excitement of letting each other's personalities unfold.

My second thought is that we all need to be ourselves and be honest

with ourselves and others, and if that scares some people away, so be

it. Who needs people in our lives that can't love us and find beauty

in all that comes with us? I know that's a hard lesson for us as KOs,

because we're so used to our own worth being tied to someone else's

approval or pleasure. But, a sorta crass saying I say to myself in my

healing process is this: life is too short to spend it with people who

suck.

[Guest guest]

Hi, A.B.,

I would be very careful telling him, don't tell all at once, do it slowly,

like if he asks about meeting your mother, tell him she has some problems, do be

to detailed, if he asks questions try to answer them honestly, but don't give

any more info than necessary.

I had an e-mail friend for over 3 years, and he started asking me questions

about family and I answered honestly, and when I found out he was cheating on

the woman he slept with talking very openly with me about prostate cancer and

implants, etc., (I did not know about this woman until the very end) he told me

I was just like my mother. Don't be dishonest, but give the relationship time

to develope on the two of you. That is just my opinion. Trust is a big issue

with all of us I think. We have such deep wounds that we are afraid to trust

anyone. I know I have issues with trust, and probably always will.

I also was the oldest, and got the brunt of everything, and my sister was miss

goody two shoes, but she's not anymore. Because I don't make excuses to do

things for my mother, I cook enough food several times a week and take her

meals, and I have been sitting with her and shredding 66 years of marriage in

taxes and receipts, and whatever, and we get rid of her garbage every week,

shoveled sidewalks, do things around the yard like pick up tree branches and

stuff. Because it is just my son and I even though we both work we seem to have

more time for her, so right now I'm the good guy. Who knows how long it will

last???????

I used to ask why me, but since I have started going to church again, I now

realize it isn't me, it's her, and that in God's eyes we are all the same, no

one is better than anyone else, and that God loves me, that is why He sacrificed

His only son for me.

Janie

" A. B. " wrote:

Hey all,

I've been reading all the posts, but have been too busy to reply. I do

want to make two brief comments though. 1- Janie- I'm glad you stuck

around. Your posts move me, and I hope that this community will provide

some of the support that you need and deserve. 2- the sibling

conversation. My sisters and I are very close, and I suppose there is

some validation in that they both recognize that Nada's crazy. At the

same time, I feel like I bore the brunt of it, and the weight of that

was worstened by the wondering about why I was responsible for so much.

I had a lot of moments as a child wondering what was wrong with me. Why

I couldn't be more like my sisters.

I'm posting though to ask a question. I've just recently started dating

someone, and I'm starting to get attached. I'm at a place in my

recovery where I'm trying to let myself feel things, but it's hard for

me to trust people, and to get close. I'm so terrified to rely on other

people. We had a great date last night, and I felt really close to

him. I almost told him about my family stuff, but I feel like it's too

soon to unload all of my craziness. I had a bit of a panic attack when

I got home though, and felt this urge to stop seeing him altogether. I

feel like such an emotional wreck. So. Long story longer, I need

advice on when and how to tell him about my Nada. On the one hand, I

don't want to scare him away. On the other hand, he's already picked up

on my trust issues. I told him that I had a hard time getting close to

people, but that it wasn't anything he was doing wrong. I don't know

how long I can get away with vague statements. What to do?

[Guest guest]

Hi, A.B.,

I would be very careful telling him, don't tell all at once, do it slowly,

like if he asks about meeting your mother, tell him she has some problems, do be

to detailed, if he asks questions try to answer them honestly, but don't give

any more info than necessary.

I had an e-mail friend for over 3 years, and he started asking me questions

about family and I answered honestly, and when I found out he was cheating on

the woman he slept with talking very openly with me about prostate cancer and

implants, etc., (I did not know about this woman until the very end) he told me

I was just like my mother. Don't be dishonest, but give the relationship time

to develope on the two of you. That is just my opinion. Trust is a big issue

with all of us I think. We have such deep wounds that we are afraid to trust

anyone. I know I have issues with trust, and probably always will.

I also was the oldest, and got the brunt of everything, and my sister was miss

goody two shoes, but she's not anymore. Because I don't make excuses to do

things for my mother, I cook enough food several times a week and take her

meals, and I have been sitting with her and shredding 66 years of marriage in

taxes and receipts, and whatever, and we get rid of her garbage every week,

shoveled sidewalks, do things around the yard like pick up tree branches and

stuff. Because it is just my son and I even though we both work we seem to have

more time for her, so right now I'm the good guy. Who knows how long it will

last???????

I used to ask why me, but since I have started going to church again, I now

realize it isn't me, it's her, and that in God's eyes we are all the same, no

one is better than anyone else, and that God loves me, that is why He sacrificed

His only son for me.

Janie

" A. B. " wrote:

Hey all,

I've been reading all the posts, but have been too busy to reply. I do

want to make two brief comments though. 1- Janie- I'm glad you stuck

around. Your posts move me, and I hope that this community will provide

some of the support that you need and deserve. 2- the sibling

conversation. My sisters and I are very close, and I suppose there is

some validation in that they both recognize that Nada's crazy. At the

same time, I feel like I bore the brunt of it, and the weight of that

was worstened by the wondering about why I was responsible for so much.

I had a lot of moments as a child wondering what was wrong with me. Why

I couldn't be more like my sisters.

I'm posting though to ask a question. I've just recently started dating

someone, and I'm starting to get attached. I'm at a place in my

recovery where I'm trying to let myself feel things, but it's hard for

me to trust people, and to get close. I'm so terrified to rely on other

people. We had a great date last night, and I felt really close to

him. I almost told him about my family stuff, but I feel like it's too

soon to unload all of my craziness. I had a bit of a panic attack when

I got home though, and felt this urge to stop seeing him altogether. I

feel like such an emotional wreck. So. Long story longer, I need

advice on when and how to tell him about my Nada. On the one hand, I

don't want to scare him away. On the other hand, he's already picked up

on my trust issues. I told him that I had a hard time getting close to

people, but that it wasn't anything he was doing wrong. I don't know

how long I can get away with vague statements. What to do?

[Guest guest]

I want to be honest yet dont want to ruin a good thing. There are

alot of assholes out there waiting to pouce on vulnerable souls like

us. They get you to open up then treat you like dirt. You end up in

situations chillingly similar to how your mother treated you. You

dont really KNOW someone after three or four months dating or

sometimes for a couple years. I have come across in my twenty years

of single dom: a full blown Narcisssit, a paranoid schizophrenic, a

herion addict, a stalker, an ADD, and another Narcissist. All of whom

i thought was a knight in shinning armour ended up wrecking my life.

Finally i decided to try someone out i wasnt really attracted to at

all in fact he seemed too normal and bored me. He'd been calling me

up now and then for over a year, i'd postpone dates make excuses etc.

Then one day " what the hey " all those assholes before that i thought

were so wonderfull didnt work out either. So gave it a shot. This was

a year ago. I am still with this fellow enjoying the boring life with

a normal guy. Took some getting used to but I am HAPPY with someone

that deserves me.

What i am trying to say is KO's dont allways have the best judgement

in picking out mates (men or women) and can easily get burned again.

We give out signals that attract the wrong kind. And we tend not to

respond to the ones who treat us right. I am not saying its

guaranteed because i know of plenty of KO's who meet and marry great

partners even early on in life.

Just be carefull. Let him prove himself to you before you really open

up. Don't feel obligated to tell him everything. If he (or she) is

the right one - When you come across hard times he will take care of

you - and be there for you. He should love you with all your faults

not leave you because of them.

Cristie

men

>

> Hi there,

>

> I'm not sure exactly either, as I am also dealing with similar

issues. I don't think you have

> to fully disclose anything until you're really ready. You could say

something vague like " I

> had a difficult childhood/past and it makes it harder for me to

open up, but I'm working

> hard on getting better at it and I'm really open to change " or

something like that. You

> could make him a partner in your process of learning how to trust

and open up. I think if

> you engage people in open dialogue about the issue, even if you're

not ready to tell all,

> you've already made the first step of letting someone in. If it

doesn't work out with him as

> a result, then he maybe wasn't the right person for you at this

point in your life. None of

> this is written in stone, just my thoughts.

>

> I haven't told my SO about any of this. He knows that my family is

dysfunctional. But that's

> all I've told him really. He's also seen me typing away on here and

intensely reading books.

> He asks me what I'm doing and so I tell him I'm working on a secret

project, which is true.

> The project is my recovery, which is not something I'm ready to

share yet. I just told him

> yesterday that my project involves self-improvement, and that I'm

going through a

> transition right now. Maybe little by little I will let him in. But

I'm doing it on my time table.

>

> I know you want to run away right now, as I too have a hard time

with commitment. But

> this is a really great opportunity to prove to yourself that you

can change for the better. He

> may not turn out to be " the one " but if you make progress in

opening up to someone with

> him then it's totally worth it. If he seems to you like a good,

upstanding individual, letting

> go a little and opening up to him might feel like the greatest

thing in the world. Good luck!

>

[Guest guest]

I want to be honest yet dont want to ruin a good thing. There are

alot of assholes out there waiting to pouce on vulnerable souls like

us. They get you to open up then treat you like dirt. You end up in

situations chillingly similar to how your mother treated you. You

dont really KNOW someone after three or four months dating or

sometimes for a couple years. I have come across in my twenty years

of single dom: a full blown Narcisssit, a paranoid schizophrenic, a

herion addict, a stalker, an ADD, and another Narcissist. All of whom

i thought was a knight in shinning armour ended up wrecking my life.

Finally i decided to try someone out i wasnt really attracted to at

all in fact he seemed too normal and bored me. He'd been calling me

up now and then for over a year, i'd postpone dates make excuses etc.

Then one day " what the hey " all those assholes before that i thought

were so wonderfull didnt work out either. So gave it a shot. This was

a year ago. I am still with this fellow enjoying the boring life with

a normal guy. Took some getting used to but I am HAPPY with someone

that deserves me.

What i am trying to say is KO's dont allways have the best judgement

in picking out mates (men or women) and can easily get burned again.

We give out signals that attract the wrong kind. And we tend not to

respond to the ones who treat us right. I am not saying its

guaranteed because i know of plenty of KO's who meet and marry great

partners even early on in life.

Just be carefull. Let him prove himself to you before you really open

up. Don't feel obligated to tell him everything. If he (or she) is

the right one - When you come across hard times he will take care of

you - and be there for you. He should love you with all your faults

not leave you because of them.

Cristie

men

>

> Hi there,

>

> I'm not sure exactly either, as I am also dealing with similar

issues. I don't think you have

> to fully disclose anything until you're really ready. You could say

something vague like " I

> had a difficult childhood/past and it makes it harder for me to

open up, but I'm working

> hard on getting better at it and I'm really open to change " or

something like that. You

> could make him a partner in your process of learning how to trust

and open up. I think if

> you engage people in open dialogue about the issue, even if you're

not ready to tell all,

> you've already made the first step of letting someone in. If it

doesn't work out with him as

> a result, then he maybe wasn't the right person for you at this

point in your life. None of

> this is written in stone, just my thoughts.

>

> I haven't told my SO about any of this. He knows that my family is

dysfunctional. But that's

> all I've told him really. He's also seen me typing away on here and

intensely reading books.

> He asks me what I'm doing and so I tell him I'm working on a secret

project, which is true.

> The project is my recovery, which is not something I'm ready to

share yet. I just told him

> yesterday that my project involves self-improvement, and that I'm

going through a

> transition right now. Maybe little by little I will let him in. But

I'm doing it on my time table.

>

> I know you want to run away right now, as I too have a hard time

with commitment. But

> this is a really great opportunity to prove to yourself that you

can change for the better. He

> may not turn out to be " the one " but if you make progress in

opening up to someone with

> him then it's totally worth it. If he seems to you like a good,

upstanding individual, letting

> go a little and opening up to him might feel like the greatest

thing in the world. Good luck!

>

[Guest guest]

Amen.....your are so right!

Thank you for your honesty and wisdom.

Malinda

> >

> > Hi there,

> >

> > I'm not sure exactly either, as I am also dealing with similar

> issues. I don't think you have

> > to fully disclose anything until you're really ready. You could

say

> something vague like " I

> > had a difficult childhood/past and it makes it harder for me to

> open up, but I'm working

> > hard on getting better at it and I'm really open to change " or

> something like that. You

> > could make him a partner in your process of learning how to trust

> and open up. I think if

> > you engage people in open dialogue about the issue, even if

you're

> not ready to tell all,

> > you've already made the first step of letting someone in. If it

> doesn't work out with him as

> > a result, then he maybe wasn't the right person for you at this

> point in your life. None of

> > this is written in stone, just my thoughts.

> >

> > I haven't told my SO about any of this. He knows that my family

is

> dysfunctional. But that's

> > all I've told him really. He's also seen me typing away on here

and

> intensely reading books.

> > He asks me what I'm doing and so I tell him I'm working on a

secret

> project, which is true.

> > The project is my recovery, which is not something I'm ready to

> share yet. I just told him

> > yesterday that my project involves self-improvement, and that I'm

> going through a

> > transition right now. Maybe little by little I will let him in.

But

> I'm doing it on my time table.

> >

> > I know you want to run away right now, as I too have a hard time

> with commitment. But

> > this is a really great opportunity to prove to yourself that you

> can change for the better. He

> > may not turn out to be " the one " but if you make progress in

> opening up to someone with

> > him then it's totally worth it. If he seems to you like a good,

> upstanding individual, letting

> > go a little and opening up to him might feel like the greatest

> thing in the world. Good luck!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

To all who have contributed on this subject:

I told a experience I had earlier in regard to this but Malinda is absolutely

right. I have been married 3 times, and all my husbands used and abused me,

everyone of them was a lying cheat. When my last husband took off with a 22 yr.

old, and left me high and dry, I swore off men. The man I e-mailed for over 3

years would have done the same thing to me. When most men find out our family

dynamics they tend to abuse us the same way our mother's did. I don't hate men

and I am totally hetrosexual, but I have discovered I don't need a man to be a

whole person. It takes self acceptance and love and TIME. At 60 I would rather

be alone that abused more.

Janie

maparise17 wrote:

Amen.....your are so right!

Thank you for your honesty and wisdom.

Malinda

> >

> > Hi there,

> >

> > I'm not sure exactly either, as I am also dealing with similar

> issues. I don't think you have

> > to fully disclose anything until you're really ready. You could

say

> something vague like " I

> > had a difficult childhood/past and it makes it harder for me to

> open up, but I'm working

> > hard on getting better at it and I'm really open to change " or

> something like that. You

> > could make him a partner in your process of learning how to trust

> and open up. I think if

> > you engage people in open dialogue about the issue, even if

you're

> not ready to tell all,

> > you've already made the first step of letting someone in. If it

> doesn't work out with him as

> > a result, then he maybe wasn't the right person for you at this

> point in your life. None of

> > this is written in stone, just my thoughts.

> >

> > I haven't told my SO about any of this. He knows that my family

is

> dysfunctional. But that's

> > all I've told him really. He's also seen me typing away on here

and

> intensely reading books.

> > He asks me what I'm doing and so I tell him I'm working on a

secret

> project, which is true.

> > The project is my recovery, which is not something I'm ready to

> share yet. I just told him

> > yesterday that my project involves self-improvement, and that I'm

> going through a

> > transition right now. Maybe little by little I will let him in.

But

> I'm doing it on my time table.

> >

> > I know you want to run away right now, as I too have a hard time

> with commitment. But

> > this is a really great opportunity to prove to yourself that you

> can change for the better. He

> > may not turn out to be " the one " but if you make progress in

> opening up to someone with

> > him then it's totally worth it. If he seems to you like a good,

> upstanding individual, letting

> > go a little and opening up to him might feel like the greatest

> thing in the world. Good luck!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Amen Sister. That being said after dating one abuser after another it finally

dawned on me that I was attracting the wrong type of men. After taking two

years to fix men I found a good one. We are both care takers who needed someone

to take care of us. So, the give and take in our relationship works wonders.

He also had one relationship after another where he was verbaly abused and

cheated on. He actually pretty much stopped dating for 8 years before he meet

me.

Lilly

White wrote:

To all who have contributed on this subject:

I told a experience I had earlier in regard to this but Malinda is absolutely

right. I have been married 3 times, and all my husbands used and abused me,

everyone of them was a lying cheat. When my last husband took off with a 22 yr.

old, and left me high and dry, I swore off men. The man I e-mailed for over 3

years would have done the same thing to me. When most men find out our family

dynamics they tend to abuse us the same way our mother's did. I don't hate men

and I am totally hetrosexual, but I have discovered I don't need a man to be a

whole person. It takes self acceptance and love and TIME. At 60 I would rather

be alone that abused more.

Janie

maparise17 wrote:

Amen.....your are so right!

Thank you for your honesty and wisdom.

Malinda

> >

> > Hi there,

> >

> > I'm not sure exactly either, as I am also dealing with similar

> issues. I don't think you have

> > to fully disclose anything until you're really ready. You could

say

> something vague like " I

> > had a difficult childhood/past and it makes it harder for me to

> open up, but I'm working

> > hard on getting better at it and I'm really open to change " or

> something like that. You

> > could make him a partner in your process of learning how to trust

> and open up. I think if

> > you engage people in open dialogue about the issue, even if

you're

> not ready to tell all,

> > you've already made the first step of letting someone in. If it

> doesn't work out with him as

> > a result, then he maybe wasn't the right person for you at this

> point in your life. None of

> > this is written in stone, just my thoughts.

> >

> > I haven't told my SO about any of this. He knows that my family

is

> dysfunctional. But that's

> > all I've told him really. He's also seen me typing away on here

and

> intensely reading books.

> > He asks me what I'm doing and so I tell him I'm working on a

secret

> project, which is true.

> > The project is my recovery, which is not something I'm ready to

> share yet. I just told him

> > yesterday that my project involves self-improvement, and that I'm

> going through a

> > transition right now. Maybe little by little I will let him in.

But

> I'm doing it on my time table.

> >

> > I know you want to run away right now, as I too have a hard time

> with commitment. But

> > this is a really great opportunity to prove to yourself that you

> can change for the better. He

> > may not turn out to be " the one " but if you make progress in

> opening up to someone with

> > him then it's totally worth it. If he seems to you like a good,

> upstanding individual, letting

> > go a little and opening up to him might feel like the greatest

> thing in the world. Good luck!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I think this is a good topic since everyone meets new people- I think

this includes friendships as well as relationships.

I used to be much more open with people about my mom and my past

problems. For some reason, I felt compelled to share everything-

must have been a validation thing for me.

Now, I share sparingly. I don't tell everything all at once, but add

to my story gradually-who wants to unload all the crazy at once,

right???lol.

I choose who I share with too. I have more " superficial " based

friendships that I don't feel a need to share anything deep with and

other people who I know will listen.

I think in your situation with dating, say what you feel comfortable

saying and it doens't have to be all at once. Trust is hard for us

as KO's so start small and build gradually. I also think this is

what I read in Surviving Borderline Parent- I'm pretty sure its a

section called Disclosure.

I hope this helps!

WTOAdultChildren1 , " econ2econ " wrote:

>

> Two sides to my answer, both depending on how long you've been

dating

> this guy, and how long and how well you knew him before you started

> dating.

>

> My first thought is that dating should be fun, and should be free

of

> the overanalysis that many of us are guilty of. Give the

relationship

> a chance to gain some footing, enjoy each other, enjoy the mystery

and

> excitement of letting each other's personalities unfold.

>

> My second thought is that we all need to be ourselves and be honest

> with ourselves and others, and if that scares some people away, so

be

> it. Who needs people in our lives that can't love us and find

beauty

> in all that comes with us? I know that's a hard lesson for us as

KOs,

> because we're so used to our own worth being tied to someone else's

> approval or pleasure. But, a sorta crass saying I say to myself in

my

> healing process is this: life is too short to spend it with people

who

> suck.

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you all for your input. It's hard to make judgment calls like

this sometimes. I have also made some bad choices in men. For me, I

tended to become involved with people who are broken. My college

boyfriend I was with for 6 years, and he was bipolar. I think that

because I had felt abandoned as a child, I felt that I couldn't give

up on him. He told me that everyone in his life had walked away

eventually, and I didn't want to be one of those people. Despite

this, I don't believe that it's inevitable that we KO's will always

end up in bad relationships. we just need to keep our eyes open for

the warning signs and bail as soon as we start seeing red flags.

Just to let you all know- I ended up talking to him about Nada a

little last night. He was actually the one who brought it up. He was

really supportive, and I think it's good that we communicate about

things like this. Now that he knows why I'm defensive and sometimes

freak out, he can deal with it and not take it too much to heart. It

also felt good, to get it over with. My sister gave me the best

advice on this. She said that she told the guy she's been seeing

within the first week. Her attitude is, " this is me. This is my life,

and if you want to jump in, good. If not, there's the door. " That

way if he can't handle her messy bits, she knows that before she gets

emotionally involved. Besides that, Nada can be sort of an elephant

in the room, and sometimes it's best to just spill the beans and move

on.

I do believe that there is hope, that there are good people in the

world that won't take advantage of our caretaker tendancies and

passive nature. I don't need a man to take care of me or define me,

but it's nice to have a teammate sometimes, and I'm still optomistic

that I'll find one, whether this is the guy or not.

> > >

> > > Hi there,

> > >

> > > I'm not sure exactly either, as I am also dealing with similar

> > issues. I don't think you have

> > > to fully disclose anything until you're really ready. You could

> say

> > something vague like " I

> > > had a difficult childhood/past and it makes it harder for me to

> > open up, but I'm working

> > > hard on getting better at it and I'm really open to change " or

> > something like that. You

> > > could make him a partner in your process of learning how to

trust

> > and open up. I think if

> > > you engage people in open dialogue about the issue, even if

> you're

> > not ready to tell all,

> > > you've already made the first step of letting someone in. If it

> > doesn't work out with him as

> > > a result, then he maybe wasn't the right person for you at this

> > point in your life. None of

> > > this is written in stone, just my thoughts.

> > >

> > > I haven't told my SO about any of this. He knows that my family

> is

> > dysfunctional. But that's

> > > all I've told him really. He's also seen me typing away on here

> and

> > intensely reading books.

> > > He asks me what I'm doing and so I tell him I'm working on a

> secret

> > project, which is true.

> > > The project is my recovery, which is not something I'm ready to

> > share yet. I just told him

> > > yesterday that my project involves self-improvement, and that

I'm

> > going through a

> > > transition right now. Maybe little by little I will let him in.

> But

> > I'm doing it on my time table.

> > >

> > > I know you want to run away right now, as I too have a hard

time

> > with commitment. But

> > > this is a really great opportunity to prove to yourself that

you

> > can change for the better. He

> > > may not turn out to be " the one " but if you make progress in

> > opening up to someone with

> > > him then it's totally worth it. If he seems to you like a good,

> > upstanding individual, letting

> > > go a little and opening up to him might feel like the greatest

> > thing in the world. Good luck!

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

'He'd been calling me

up now and then for over a year, i'd postpone dates

make excuses etc.

Then one day " what the hey " all those assholes before

that i thought

were so wonderfull didnt work out either. So gave it a

shot. This was

a year ago. I am still with this fellow enjoying the

boring life with

a normal guy. Took some getting used to but I am HAPPY

with someone

that deserves me.'

Well, I think that's a big part of it and may be KO

related (or maybe not, but this seems to happen with

my friends too...although we are not all normal.. .

I think that if someone is interested in us for

healthy reasons we tend to push that person away.

First we are not 'hard wired' for normal behavior, we

are more accustomed to the dramatic highs and lows

that come with a non-functioning relationship. So

they attract us. Second, we aren't used to being

accepted as ourselves. If someone expresses a healthy

interest in us, then, we tend to push away because we

can't understand what is attractive about us and what

that person could see that we can't. From my own

experience, I know that it's hard for me to give

myself credit for..well..almost everything (except

running because I own the t-shirts from doing races

and NO ONE CAN TAKE THAT AWAY!). I say that somewhat

facetiously, but accomplishing feats at running and

other sports are what made me feel a lot better about

myself. I think third is related to second: we are

afraid that a normal person won't understand us or the

decisions we have had to make. If that is the case,

then any relationship we form with that person will

have a lot of conditions on it and that's unfair to

both people.

I think that what makes relationships even more

difficult for a lot of us is precisely that we have

been burned in the past and don't want it to happen

again. My New Year's resolution this year was to run

away from crazy. If I meet someone I suspect is not

so balanced, then run away. I don't need that person.

If my judgment is wrong, then I can change my mind

later, but probably I don't need the stresses that

will accompany such a relationship. As a follow-up

fourth point: as KOs, we have had to put up with so

much rejection already that we don't want to be

rejected again. However, definitely no one wants to

be in a relationship with everyone...so it's okay to

be picky AND it's okay for the other person to be

picky (i.e., not interested) too! Not a statement as

to one's value as a human being, just not the right

person.

All of this should be taken with a HUGE grain of salt

seeing as I am single and with absolutely nothing

promising on the horizon and still (sort of) pining

after the ex who said he would call to talk things

over after the (by phone) break up. That was in

June...

is

________________________________________________________________________________\

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[Guest guest]

I used to think I had " Bad Boy Syndrome " but now I realize it is KO

syndrome. I never liked the nice normal guys.

In looking at all of my failed relationships, I know I was attracting

the wrong type of men too. I started thinking, what is the common

denominator in all of this crap and the answer was ME!

I just got out of hopefully my last bad one. I need to be alone for

a long time to work on me- plus with having an 18 month old- I won't

have the time. I kicked her dad out over the weekend and it is so

hard already, but I know I did the right thing. He's an alcoholic

and was getting more severe and I can no longer subject myself or my

baby to him.

It feels good to set boundaries, make decisions, and stick with

them.

> > >

> > > Hi there,

> > >

> > > I'm not sure exactly either, as I am also dealing with similar

> > issues. I don't think you have

> > > to fully disclose anything until you're really ready. You could

> say

> > something vague like " I

> > > had a difficult childhood/past and it makes it harder for me to

> > open up, but I'm working

> > > hard on getting better at it and I'm really open to change " or

> > something like that. You

> > > could make him a partner in your process of learning how to

trust

> > and open up. I think if

> > > you engage people in open dialogue about the issue, even if

> you're

> > not ready to tell all,

> > > you've already made the first step of letting someone in. If it

> > doesn't work out with him as

> > > a result, then he maybe wasn't the right person for you at this

> > point in your life. None of

> > > this is written in stone, just my thoughts.

> > >

> > > I haven't told my SO about any of this. He knows that my family

> is

> > dysfunctional. But that's

> > > all I've told him really. He's also seen me typing away on here

> and

> > intensely reading books.

> > > He asks me what I'm doing and so I tell him I'm working on a

> secret

> > project, which is true.

> > > The project is my recovery, which is not something I'm ready to

> > share yet. I just told him

> > > yesterday that my project involves self-improvement, and that

I'm

> > going through a

> > > transition right now. Maybe little by little I will let him in.

> But

> > I'm doing it on my time table.

> > >

> > > I know you want to run away right now, as I too have a hard

time

> > with commitment. But

> > > this is a really great opportunity to prove to yourself that

you

> > can change for the better. He

> > > may not turn out to be " the one " but if you make progress in

> > opening up to someone with

> > > him then it's totally worth it. If he seems to you like a good,

> > upstanding individual, letting

> > > go a little and opening up to him might feel like the greatest

> > thing in the world. Good luck!

> > >

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

I used to think I had " Bad Boy Syndrome " but now I realize it is KO

syndrome. I never liked the nice normal guys.

In looking at all of my failed relationships, I know I was attracting

the wrong type of men too. I started thinking, what is the common

denominator in all of this crap and the answer was ME!

I just got out of hopefully my last bad one. I need to be alone for

a long time to work on me- plus with having an 18 month old- I won't

have the time. I kicked her dad out over the weekend and it is so

hard already, but I know I did the right thing. He's an alcoholic

and was getting more severe and I can no longer subject myself or my

baby to him.

It feels good to set boundaries, make decisions, and stick with

them.

> > >

> > > Hi there,

> > >

> > > I'm not sure exactly either, as I am also dealing with similar

> > issues. I don't think you have

> > > to fully disclose anything until you're really ready. You could

> say

> > something vague like " I

> > > had a difficult childhood/past and it makes it harder for me to

> > open up, but I'm working

> > > hard on getting better at it and I'm really open to change " or

> > something like that. You

> > > could make him a partner in your process of learning how to

trust

> > and open up. I think if

> > > you engage people in open dialogue about the issue, even if

> you're

> > not ready to tell all,

> > > you've already made the first step of letting someone in. If it

> > doesn't work out with him as

> > > a result, then he maybe wasn't the right person for you at this

> > point in your life. None of

> > > this is written in stone, just my thoughts.

> > >

> > > I haven't told my SO about any of this. He knows that my family

> is

> > dysfunctional. But that's

> > > all I've told him really. He's also seen me typing away on here

> and

> > intensely reading books.

> > > He asks me what I'm doing and so I tell him I'm working on a

> secret

> > project, which is true.

> > > The project is my recovery, which is not something I'm ready to

> > share yet. I just told him

> > > yesterday that my project involves self-improvement, and that

I'm

> > going through a

> > > transition right now. Maybe little by little I will let him in.

> But

> > I'm doing it on my time table.

> > >

> > > I know you want to run away right now, as I too have a hard

time

> > with commitment. But

> > > this is a really great opportunity to prove to yourself that

you

> > can change for the better. He

> > > may not turn out to be " the one " but if you make progress in

> > opening up to someone with

> > > him then it's totally worth it. If he seems to you like a good,

> > upstanding individual, letting

> > > go a little and opening up to him might feel like the greatest

> > thing in the world. Good luck!

> > >

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

I used to think I had " Bad Boy Syndrome " but now I realize it is KO

syndrome. I never liked the nice normal guys.

In looking at all of my failed relationships, I know I was attracting

the wrong type of men too. I started thinking, what is the common

denominator in all of this crap and the answer was ME!

I just got out of hopefully my last bad one. I need to be alone for

a long time to work on me- plus with having an 18 month old- I won't

have the time. I kicked her dad out over the weekend and it is so

hard already, but I know I did the right thing. He's an alcoholic

and was getting more severe and I can no longer subject myself or my

baby to him.

It feels good to set boundaries, make decisions, and stick with

them.

> > >

> > > Hi there,

> > >

> > > I'm not sure exactly either, as I am also dealing with similar

> > issues. I don't think you have

> > > to fully disclose anything until you're really ready. You could

> say

> > something vague like " I

> > > had a difficult childhood/past and it makes it harder for me to

> > open up, but I'm working

> > > hard on getting better at it and I'm really open to change " or

> > something like that. You

> > > could make him a partner in your process of learning how to

trust

> > and open up. I think if

> > > you engage people in open dialogue about the issue, even if

> you're

> > not ready to tell all,

> > > you've already made the first step of letting someone in. If it

> > doesn't work out with him as

> > > a result, then he maybe wasn't the right person for you at this

> > point in your life. None of

> > > this is written in stone, just my thoughts.

> > >

> > > I haven't told my SO about any of this. He knows that my family

> is

> > dysfunctional. But that's

> > > all I've told him really. He's also seen me typing away on here

> and

> > intensely reading books.

> > > He asks me what I'm doing and so I tell him I'm working on a

> secret

> > project, which is true.

> > > The project is my recovery, which is not something I'm ready to

> > share yet. I just told him

> > > yesterday that my project involves self-improvement, and that

I'm

> > going through a

> > > transition right now. Maybe little by little I will let him in.

> But

> > I'm doing it on my time table.

> > >

> > > I know you want to run away right now, as I too have a hard

time

> > with commitment. But

> > > this is a really great opportunity to prove to yourself that

you

> > can change for the better. He

> > > may not turn out to be " the one " but if you make progress in

> > opening up to someone with

> > > him then it's totally worth it. If he seems to you like a good,

> > upstanding individual, letting

> > > go a little and opening up to him might feel like the greatest

> > thing in the world. Good luck!

> > >

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

I too was addicted to the " Bad Boys " . This time I found a bad boy whom really

isn't one. He is just a big, spoling teddy bear. Actually I call him my junk

yard dog. He has a huge bark, but in reality he just wants to curl up and be

sweet.

I am sorry you had to make such a hard choice, but I deffinalty think that it

will be the right one for you and your child.

Lilly

mitchell_kristin wrote:

I used to think I had " Bad Boy Syndrome " but now I realize it is KO

syndrome. I never liked the nice normal guys.

In looking at all of my failed relationships, I know I was attracting

the wrong type of men too. I started thinking, what is the common

denominator in all of this crap and the answer was ME!

I just got out of hopefully my last bad one. I need to be alone for

a long time to work on me- plus with having an 18 month old- I won't

have the time. I kicked her dad out over the weekend and it is so

hard already, but I know I did the right thing. He's an alcoholic

and was getting more severe and I can no longer subject myself or my

baby to him.

It feels good to set boundaries, make decisions, and stick with

them.

> > >

> > > Hi there,

> > >

> > > I'm not sure exactly either, as I am also dealing with similar

> > issues. I don't think you have

> > > to fully disclose anything until you're really ready. You could

> say

> > something vague like " I

> > > had a difficult childhood/past and it makes it harder for me to

> > open up, but I'm working

> > > hard on getting better at it and I'm really open to change " or

> > something like that. You

> > > could make him a partner in your process of learning how to

trust

> > and open up. I think if

> > > you engage people in open dialogue about the issue, even if

> you're

> > not ready to tell all,

> > > you've already made the first step of letting someone in. If it

> > doesn't work out with him as

> > > a result, then he maybe wasn't the right person for you at this

> > point in your life. None of

> > > this is written in stone, just my thoughts.

> > >

> > > I haven't told my SO about any of this. He knows that my family

> is

> > dysfunctional. But that's

> > > all I've told him really. He's also seen me typing away on here

> and

> > intensely reading books.

> > > He asks me what I'm doing and so I tell him I'm working on a

> secret

> > project, which is true.

> > > The project is my recovery, which is not something I'm ready to

> > share yet. I just told him

> > > yesterday that my project involves self-improvement, and that

I'm

> > going through a

> > > transition right now. Maybe little by little I will let him in.

> But

> > I'm doing it on my time table.

> > >

> > > I know you want to run away right now, as I too have a hard

time

> > with commitment. But

> > > this is a really great opportunity to prove to yourself that

you

> > can change for the better. He

> > > may not turn out to be " the one " but if you make progress in

> > opening up to someone with

> > > him then it's totally worth it. If he seems to you like a good,

> > upstanding individual, letting

> > > go a little and opening up to him might feel like the greatest

> > thing in the world. Good luck!

> > >

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

Same here for the 'bad boy syndrome'. I was attracted to controlling,

abusive men. My first boyfriend after I left home picked up where nada

left off. In retrospect, I believe he was both NPD and antisocial, he

did so many bad things, and really took advantage of the fact that I

didn't trust my perception of reality. He convinced me once when I

found a girl's wallet in his bedroom that it was his wallet, even

though he hated all things remotely girly. The best thing that guy

ever did for me was break up with me (for some twisted paranoid

reason). I admire you for being strong enough to be the one to

end the relationship.

I also was tricked into thinking my current SO was a bad boy, but came

to realize that he's just a softie with a thin bad boy shell. It is

weirdly stable with him, as there is no drug dealing or using, no

violent outbursts against anyone who makes a pass at me, no

'questionably might be rape' situations. I think maybe us KOs became

so used to a constant adrenaline producing environment that it feels

weird not to have that.

Mel

[Guest guest]

oh mel, you hit the nail on the head. that's one of the things KO's

have a hard time dealing with - normalcy. we've been so conditioned to

live in abusive environments that we feel oddly comfortable with what

we know: abuse. i was involved with a similar guy - totally preyed on

my insecurities and issues with my nada. he would even go so far as

telling me that my nada was completely right about everything she's

ever said about me. he cheated on me and i found out by contracting 2

std's. came home and found all these sex toys laying around and i

believed him when he said that he was just using them on himself. he

also raped me and tried to get me pregnant on several occasions. i

also supported us by working 2 jobs while he stayed home and slept

with whoever.

i was only 19 - so naive and young.

it was only until recently that i've had to come to terms with having

a happy home life with my DH. i'm handling it better but for a while i

felt that i was trying to sabotage it just because that was what i was

used to. being happy and stable wasn't.

thank god for therapy and this group. thank you all!

love,

christine.

>

> Same here for the 'bad boy syndrome'. I was attracted to controlling,

> abusive men. My first boyfriend after I left home picked up where nada

> left off. In retrospect, I believe he was both NPD and antisocial, he

> did so many bad things, and really took advantage of the fact that I

> didn't trust my perception of reality. He convinced me once when I

> found a girl's wallet in his bedroom that it was his wallet, even

> though he hated all things remotely girly. The best thing that guy

> ever did for me was break up with me (for some twisted paranoid

> reason). I admire you for being strong enough to be the one to

> end the relationship.

>

> I also was tricked into thinking my current SO was a bad boy, but came

> to realize that he's just a softie with a thin bad boy shell. It is

> weirdly stable with him, as there is no drug dealing or using, no

> violent outbursts against anyone who makes a pass at me, no

> 'questionably might be rape' situations. I think maybe us KOs became

> so used to a constant adrenaline producing environment that it feels

> weird not to have that.

>

> Mel

>

[Guest guest]

Ahhhh yes the men hitting on, or looking at you thing. My ex's used to get so

peeved off. My fiance however puffs out his chest gets a big grin and gives

them a face that says, yep thats my lady, to bad for you!

Lilly

junkinthere wrote:

Same here for the 'bad boy syndrome'. I was attracted to controlling,

abusive men. My first boyfriend after I left home picked up where nada

left off. In retrospect, I believe he was both NPD and antisocial, he

did so many bad things, and really took advantage of the fact that I

didn't trust my perception of reality. He convinced me once when I

found a girl's wallet in his bedroom that it was his wallet, even

though he hated all things remotely girly. The best thing that guy

ever did for me was break up with me (for some twisted paranoid

reason). I admire you for being strong enough to be the one to

end the relationship.

I also was tricked into thinking my current SO was a bad boy, but came

to realize that he's just a softie with a thin bad boy shell. It is

weirdly stable with him, as there is no drug dealing or using, no

violent outbursts against anyone who makes a pass at me, no

'questionably might be rape' situations. I think maybe us KOs became

so used to a constant adrenaline producing environment that it feels

weird not to have that.

Mel

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[Guest guest]

Hey Lily,

I have been alone going on 16 years, and it doesn't bother me one little bit.

I don't know if there is someone out there or not, I just don't even look. I

had a little dog until last August and I got unconditional love from her, I miss

her. Our cat is a snob and doesn't cuddle with anyone.

Janie

Lilly LaFlure wrote:

Amen Sister. That being said after dating one abuser after another it

finally dawned on me that I was attracting the wrong type of men. After taking

two years to fix men I found a good one. We are both care takers who needed

someone to take care of us. So, the give and take in our relationship works

wonders. He also had one relationship after another where he was verbaly abused

and cheated on. He actually pretty much stopped dating for 8 years before he

meet me.

Lilly

White wrote:

To all who have contributed on this subject:

I told a experience I had earlier in regard to this but Malinda is absolutely

right. I have been married 3 times, and all my husbands used and abused me,

everyone of them was a lying cheat. When my last husband took off with a 22 yr.

old, and left me high and dry, I swore off men. The man I e-mailed for over 3

years would have done the same thing to me. When most men find out our family

dynamics they tend to abuse us the same way our mother's did. I don't hate men

and I am totally hetrosexual, but I have discovered I don't need a man to be a

whole person. It takes self acceptance and love and TIME. At 60 I would rather

be alone that abused more.

Janie

maparise17 wrote:

Amen.....your are so right!

Thank you for your honesty and wisdom.

Malinda

> >

> > Hi there,

> >

> > I'm not sure exactly either, as I am also dealing with similar

> issues. I don't think you have

> > to fully disclose anything until you're really ready. You could

say

> something vague like " I

> > had a difficult childhood/past and it makes it harder for me to

> open up, but I'm working

> > hard on getting better at it and I'm really open to change " or

> something like that. You

> > could make him a partner in your process of learning how to trust

> and open up. I think if

> > you engage people in open dialogue about the issue, even if

you're

> not ready to tell all,

> > you've already made the first step of letting someone in. If it

> doesn't work out with him as

> > a result, then he maybe wasn't the right person for you at this

> point in your life. None of

> > this is written in stone, just my thoughts.

> >

> > I haven't told my SO about any of this. He knows that my family

is

> dysfunctional. But that's

> > all I've told him really. He's also seen me typing away on here

and

> intensely reading books.

> > He asks me what I'm doing and so I tell him I'm working on a

secret

> project, which is true.

> > The project is my recovery, which is not something I'm ready to

> share yet. I just told him

> > yesterday that my project involves self-improvement, and that I'm

> going through a

> > transition right now. Maybe little by little I will let him in.

But

> I'm doing it on my time table.

> >

> > I know you want to run away right now, as I too have a hard time

> with commitment. But

> > this is a really great opportunity to prove to yourself that you

> can change for the better. He

> > may not turn out to be " the one " but if you make progress in

> opening up to someone with

> > him then it's totally worth it. If he seems to you like a good,

> upstanding individual, letting

> > go a little and opening up to him might feel like the greatest

> thing in the world. Good luck!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Oh ,

You are healing...your new journey has started. Many blessing to

you for your courage and honesty in this posting.

Malinda

> >

> > Same here for the 'bad boy syndrome'. I was attracted to

controlling,

> > abusive men. My first boyfriend after I left home picked up where

nada

> > left off. In retrospect, I believe he was both NPD and

antisocial, he

> > did so many bad things, and really took advantage of the fact

that I

> > didn't trust my perception of reality. He convinced me once when I

> > found a girl's wallet in his bedroom that it was his wallet, even

> > though he hated all things remotely girly. The best thing that guy

> > ever did for me was break up with me (for some twisted paranoid

> > reason). I admire you for being strong enough to be the

one to

> > end the relationship.

> >

> > I also was tricked into thinking my current SO was a bad boy, but

came

> > to realize that he's just a softie with a thin bad boy shell. It

is

> > weirdly stable with him, as there is no drug dealing or using, no

> > violent outbursts against anyone who makes a pass at me, no

> > 'questionably might be rape' situations. I think maybe us KOs

became

> > so used to a constant adrenaline producing environment that it

feels

> > weird not to have that.

> >

> > Mel

> >

>

[Guest guest]

thanks for your kind words, malinda. that was about 11 years ago, so i

have done a lot of healing since then.

it's still a little bit of work; to trust my husband completely, to

know that he would never do anything to hurt me and that he loves me

unconditionally. i just felt the sabotage coming on strong before we

got married and it prompted me quickly into therapy. i knew something

wasn't right if i was trying to get out of a perfectly loving

relationship.

i just wanted to share that story of when i was 19 because it seems

that so many of us have chosen dysfunctional partners as a result of

parental abuse. it just really breaks my heart that we were all

children at some point, innocent, and that so many of us had to endure

extreme acts of abuse. i remember counting the months and days until i

could move out - and i moved out at 17. i thought i was finally free

when in fact all i found was that i was completely ill-equipped for

the adult world. i think a lot of us feel that way and maybe this

relates to a lot of us being here and dealing with issues of pain and

anger. you feel cheated, thus creating a whirlwind of emotions to deal

with that you never got a chance to as a child/adolescent...am i right?

thank you again malinda....

love,

christine.

> > >

> > > Same here for the 'bad boy syndrome'. I was attracted to

> controlling,

> > > abusive men. My first boyfriend after I left home picked up where

> nada

> > > left off. In retrospect, I believe he was both NPD and

> antisocial, he

> > > did so many bad things, and really took advantage of the fact

> that I

> > > didn't trust my perception of reality. He convinced me once when I

> > > found a girl's wallet in his bedroom that it was his wallet, even

> > > though he hated all things remotely girly. The best thing that guy

> > > ever did for me was break up with me (for some twisted paranoid

> > > reason). I admire you for being strong enough to be the

> one to

> > > end the relationship.

> > >

> > > I also was tricked into thinking my current SO was a bad boy, but

> came

> > > to realize that he's just a softie with a thin bad boy shell. It

> is

> > > weirdly stable with him, as there is no drug dealing or using, no

> > > violent outbursts against anyone who makes a pass at me, no

> > > 'questionably might be rape' situations. I think maybe us KOs

> became

> > > so used to a constant adrenaline producing environment that it

> feels

> > > weird not to have that.

> > >

> > > Mel

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

thanks for your kind words, malinda. that was about 11 years ago, so i

have done a lot of healing since then.

it's still a little bit of work; to trust my husband completely, to

know that he would never do anything to hurt me and that he loves me

unconditionally. i just felt the sabotage coming on strong before we

got married and it prompted me quickly into therapy. i knew something

wasn't right if i was trying to get out of a perfectly loving

relationship.

i just wanted to share that story of when i was 19 because it seems

that so many of us have chosen dysfunctional partners as a result of

parental abuse. it just really breaks my heart that we were all

children at some point, innocent, and that so many of us had to endure

extreme acts of abuse. i remember counting the months and days until i

could move out - and i moved out at 17. i thought i was finally free

when in fact all i found was that i was completely ill-equipped for

the adult world. i think a lot of us feel that way and maybe this

relates to a lot of us being here and dealing with issues of pain and

anger. you feel cheated, thus creating a whirlwind of emotions to deal

with that you never got a chance to as a child/adolescent...am i right?

thank you again malinda....

love,

christine.

> > >

> > > Same here for the 'bad boy syndrome'. I was attracted to

> controlling,

> > > abusive men. My first boyfriend after I left home picked up where

> nada

> > > left off. In retrospect, I believe he was both NPD and

> antisocial, he

> > > did so many bad things, and really took advantage of the fact

> that I

> > > didn't trust my perception of reality. He convinced me once when I

> > > found a girl's wallet in his bedroom that it was his wallet, even

> > > though he hated all things remotely girly. The best thing that guy

> > > ever did for me was break up with me (for some twisted paranoid

> > > reason). I admire you for being strong enough to be the

> one to

> > > end the relationship.

> > >

> > > I also was tricked into thinking my current SO was a bad boy, but

> came

> > > to realize that he's just a softie with a thin bad boy shell. It

> is

> > > weirdly stable with him, as there is no drug dealing or using, no

> > > violent outbursts against anyone who makes a pass at me, no

> > > 'questionably might be rape' situations. I think maybe us KOs

> became

> > > so used to a constant adrenaline producing environment that it

> feels

> > > weird not to have that.

> > >

> > > Mel

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

thanks for your kind words, malinda. that was about 11 years ago, so i

have done a lot of healing since then.

it's still a little bit of work; to trust my husband completely, to

know that he would never do anything to hurt me and that he loves me

unconditionally. i just felt the sabotage coming on strong before we

got married and it prompted me quickly into therapy. i knew something

wasn't right if i was trying to get out of a perfectly loving

relationship.

i just wanted to share that story of when i was 19 because it seems

that so many of us have chosen dysfunctional partners as a result of

parental abuse. it just really breaks my heart that we were all

children at some point, innocent, and that so many of us had to endure

extreme acts of abuse. i remember counting the months and days until i

could move out - and i moved out at 17. i thought i was finally free

when in fact all i found was that i was completely ill-equipped for

the adult world. i think a lot of us feel that way and maybe this

relates to a lot of us being here and dealing with issues of pain and

anger. you feel cheated, thus creating a whirlwind of emotions to deal

with that you never got a chance to as a child/adolescent...am i right?

thank you again malinda....

love,

christine.

> > >

> > > Same here for the 'bad boy syndrome'. I was attracted to

> controlling,

> > > abusive men. My first boyfriend after I left home picked up where

> nada

> > > left off. In retrospect, I believe he was both NPD and

> antisocial, he

> > > did so many bad things, and really took advantage of the fact

> that I

> > > didn't trust my perception of reality. He convinced me once when I

> > > found a girl's wallet in his bedroom that it was his wallet, even

> > > though he hated all things remotely girly. The best thing that guy

> > > ever did for me was break up with me (for some twisted paranoid

> > > reason). I admire you for being strong enough to be the

> one to

> > > end the relationship.

> > >

> > > I also was tricked into thinking my current SO was a bad boy, but

> came

> > > to realize that he's just a softie with a thin bad boy shell. It

> is

> > > weirdly stable with him, as there is no drug dealing or using, no

> > > violent outbursts against anyone who makes a pass at me, no

> > > 'questionably might be rape' situations. I think maybe us KOs

> became

> > > so used to a constant adrenaline producing environment that it

> feels

> > > weird not to have that.

> > >

> > > Mel

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the support!

> > > >

> > > > Hi there,

> > > >

> > > > I'm not sure exactly either, as I am also dealing with

similar

> > > issues. I don't think you have

> > > > to fully disclose anything until you're really ready. You

could

> > say

> > > something vague like " I

> > > > had a difficult childhood/past and it makes it harder for me

to

> > > open up, but I'm working

> > > > hard on getting better at it and I'm really open to change "

or

> > > something like that. You

> > > > could make him a partner in your process of learning how to

> trust

> > > and open up. I think if

> > > > you engage people in open dialogue about the issue, even if

> > you're

> > > not ready to tell all,

> > > > you've already made the first step of letting someone in. If

it

> > > doesn't work out with him as

> > > > a result, then he maybe wasn't the right person for you at

this

> > > point in your life. None of

> > > > this is written in stone, just my thoughts.

> > > >

> > > > I haven't told my SO about any of this. He knows that my

family

> > is

> > > dysfunctional. But that's

> > > > all I've told him really. He's also seen me typing away on

here

> > and

> > > intensely reading books.

> > > > He asks me what I'm doing and so I tell him I'm working on a

> > secret

> > > project, which is true.

> > > > The project is my recovery, which is not something I'm ready

to

> > > share yet. I just told him

> > > > yesterday that my project involves self-improvement, and that

> I'm

> > > going through a

> > > > transition right now. Maybe little by little I will let him

in.

> > But

> > > I'm doing it on my time table.

> > > >

> > > > I know you want to run away right now, as I too have a hard

> time

> > > with commitment. But

> > > > this is a really great opportunity to prove to yourself that

> you

> > > can change for the better. He

> > > > may not turn out to be " the one " but if you make progress in

> > > opening up to someone with

> > > > him then it's totally worth it. If he seems to you like a

good,

> > > upstanding individual, letting

> > > > go a little and opening up to him might feel like the

greatest

> > > thing in the world. Good luck!

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >