Re: What was your job in the family

[Guest guest]

I was an only child so my roles changed. Mostly I was her caretaker

but sometimes she split me and I was the bad person who caused her

problems.

>

> I have noticed with from reading this group that like Alcoholic

family we all had a job in the family. My job was being the cause

the Nada's problems. My middle sister was Nadas healer and care

taker and my youngest sister was the comedian.

>

> So, my question is what was your job in the family?

>

> Lilly

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Bored stiff? Loosen up...

> Download and play hundreds of games for free on Yahoo! Games.

>

>

[Guest guest]

I was an only child so my roles changed. Mostly I was her caretaker

but sometimes she split me and I was the bad person who caused her

problems.

>

> I have noticed with from reading this group that like Alcoholic

family we all had a job in the family. My job was being the cause

the Nada's problems. My middle sister was Nadas healer and care

taker and my youngest sister was the comedian.

>

> So, my question is what was your job in the family?

>

> Lilly

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Bored stiff? Loosen up...

> Download and play hundreds of games for free on Yahoo! Games.

>

>

[Guest guest]

My role was similar. I was the " ungrateful, bullheaded daughter,

creator of all problems " . My brother was the " mediator, can-do-no-

wrong-because-he-is-male " role. When I moved out, she focused a lot

more rage on him.

[Guest guest]

Lily,

Your family reads like it came straight out of that book " Facing Codependence " .

Since I was the only child, I had the role of housekeeper (which I did to

varying success),

cook, home-aid/nurse, motivational coach, waitress, the list goes on. I was also

responsible for everything that was lost or disorganized whether or not I lost

it or made

the mess. I was secretary (I learned how to take messages and work excel really

well-but

only through negative reinforcement because I should have been born knowing how

to do

these things), and generally doing anything nada didn't feel like doing. I was

also store

keeper and sucked into working at any one of nada's horrible business ideas,

mostly not

knowing what the hell I was doing (do I know how to set up an office

intranet??).

Sometimes I became all good and she would just sweep up after my errors and make

excuses for me, but now I think that was to make herself not feel stupid in

front of others

for having asked me to do that stuff. I'm sure she told them how overly

competent I was at

woodcraft (I'm not making this up, although I'm sure you guys understand that).

My role was also to keep her company, and anyone else she felt needed some

company or

care-taking. She promises things to people that she knows she can't or won't do,

but that I

can do and in the face of that person expecting it I will pick up the slack. I

had to take care

of this old lady she invited to our house for weeks because if I didn't come

home after

school and make food, the old lady wouldn't eat. I can't even begin to think of

how many

levels of co-dependency that was.

She would wake me up on weekend mornings because she was bored and wanted

someone to talk to. Such a child. She wanted me to come with her everywhere she

went, as

if I was an extension of her. She even gets pissed when I want to wait in the

car if she goes

to the post office to drop off a letter. If I say no to going to work with her

or whatever, she

either begs and pleads or rages. I'm also an object for show. She likes to take

me around

her job and neighborhood and show me off to anyone who will listen. This

includes store

clerks. She thinks I make her look better, and bringing me to work or planning

parties

while I'm around will help her out. In some ways I think it does because I'm

nice to people,

and I probably make her look more human.

Also, whenever she was in a bad mood or stressed out, I played the role of vent.

She even

told me that when she's stressed, she yells at me more, but this wasn't until I

was 20 and

pushed the issue in a calm non-confrontational manner. She has a little insight,

but feels

not much need to change.

When I come to visit her, it's never relaxing because I'm expected to do all I

can to help

her including cleaning, cooking, getting her to bathe, take meds, etc. I'm

looking back

now on the incredible responsibility I felt each time I came back and how much

different

visiting parents is for other people and I just feel so bitter. On one hand, I

am grateful that

I have figured this out now while I'm still young. On the other, I feel I've

wasted so many

years with the unending FOG. I have FOG enough for 20 people.

So that's me, doer of all things unpleasant, and never doing enough, since I'm

still useless

and ungrateful in her eyes.

Mel

[Guest guest]

Lily,

Your family reads like it came straight out of that book " Facing Codependence " .

Since I was the only child, I had the role of housekeeper (which I did to

varying success),

cook, home-aid/nurse, motivational coach, waitress, the list goes on. I was also

responsible for everything that was lost or disorganized whether or not I lost

it or made

the mess. I was secretary (I learned how to take messages and work excel really

well-but

only through negative reinforcement because I should have been born knowing how

to do

these things), and generally doing anything nada didn't feel like doing. I was

also store

keeper and sucked into working at any one of nada's horrible business ideas,

mostly not

knowing what the hell I was doing (do I know how to set up an office

intranet??).

Sometimes I became all good and she would just sweep up after my errors and make

excuses for me, but now I think that was to make herself not feel stupid in

front of others

for having asked me to do that stuff. I'm sure she told them how overly

competent I was at

woodcraft (I'm not making this up, although I'm sure you guys understand that).

My role was also to keep her company, and anyone else she felt needed some

company or

care-taking. She promises things to people that she knows she can't or won't do,

but that I

can do and in the face of that person expecting it I will pick up the slack. I

had to take care

of this old lady she invited to our house for weeks because if I didn't come

home after

school and make food, the old lady wouldn't eat. I can't even begin to think of

how many

levels of co-dependency that was.

She would wake me up on weekend mornings because she was bored and wanted

someone to talk to. Such a child. She wanted me to come with her everywhere she

went, as

if I was an extension of her. She even gets pissed when I want to wait in the

car if she goes

to the post office to drop off a letter. If I say no to going to work with her

or whatever, she

either begs and pleads or rages. I'm also an object for show. She likes to take

me around

her job and neighborhood and show me off to anyone who will listen. This

includes store

clerks. She thinks I make her look better, and bringing me to work or planning

parties

while I'm around will help her out. In some ways I think it does because I'm

nice to people,

and I probably make her look more human.

Also, whenever she was in a bad mood or stressed out, I played the role of vent.

She even

told me that when she's stressed, she yells at me more, but this wasn't until I

was 20 and

pushed the issue in a calm non-confrontational manner. She has a little insight,

but feels

not much need to change.

When I come to visit her, it's never relaxing because I'm expected to do all I

can to help

her including cleaning, cooking, getting her to bathe, take meds, etc. I'm

looking back

now on the incredible responsibility I felt each time I came back and how much

different

visiting parents is for other people and I just feel so bitter. On one hand, I

am grateful that

I have figured this out now while I'm still young. On the other, I feel I've

wasted so many

years with the unending FOG. I have FOG enough for 20 people.

So that's me, doer of all things unpleasant, and never doing enough, since I'm

still useless

and ungrateful in her eyes.

Mel

[Guest guest]

It's funny you say that. When my parents were married, my father was the

useless, good

for nothing, passive and passive-agressive, underachieving, sneaky mama's boy,

angry

bastard. I think she treated me pretty well during those years, and honestly my

dad, who

was also abused growing up, spared me from abuse in those first 8 years by being

the

punching bag. Things weren't normal then, but at least I loved myself, and I can

remember

loving myself.

It was after the divorce that I became the sack of shit. And whenever she was in

a

relationship was when she treated me the best. But it didn't last. She dated

this man from

Japan who spoke English as a second language. She went off on an unrelenting

rage

against him and he couldn't keep up verbally, so he tried to beat her to death.

She realized

then that she had anger management problems, but now thinks that she's totally

conquered them.

Melany

[Guest guest]

Not to be snide, but I say this with the utmost of sense of humor intended. My

job in my family was that of the most responsible...whenever anything went

wrong....i was responsible...lol.

My brother is 10 years my junior so like I was the only child for the

majority of the time i spent under her roof...the only thing that never changed

was that every single time something went wrong i was blamed. For the most part

it was just an endless cycle of disappointment for nada and fada...because no

matter what i did right, they managed to spin it in a negative light. Ironic

now, because now i am the caretaker. Every single time something goes wrong, i'm

expected to fix it.(Although i'm not exactly sure why....i have had a sit and

spin philosophy with them for over a year now) So it worked out for them that

they got used to being disappointed.

mitchell_kristin wrote:

I was an only child so my roles changed. Mostly I was her caretaker

but sometimes she split me and I was the bad person who caused her

problems.

>

> I have noticed with from reading this group that like Alcoholic

family we all had a job in the family. My job was being the cause

the Nada's problems. My middle sister was Nadas healer and care

taker and my youngest sister was the comedian.

>

> So, my question is what was your job in the family?

>

> Lilly

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Bored stiff? Loosen up...

> Download and play hundreds of games for free on Yahoo! Games.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Not to be snide, but I say this with the utmost of sense of humor intended. My

job in my family was that of the most responsible...whenever anything went

wrong....i was responsible...lol.

My brother is 10 years my junior so like I was the only child for the

majority of the time i spent under her roof...the only thing that never changed

was that every single time something went wrong i was blamed. For the most part

it was just an endless cycle of disappointment for nada and fada...because no

matter what i did right, they managed to spin it in a negative light. Ironic

now, because now i am the caretaker. Every single time something goes wrong, i'm

expected to fix it.(Although i'm not exactly sure why....i have had a sit and

spin philosophy with them for over a year now) So it worked out for them that

they got used to being disappointed.

mitchell_kristin wrote:

I was an only child so my roles changed. Mostly I was her caretaker

but sometimes she split me and I was the bad person who caused her

problems.

>

> I have noticed with from reading this group that like Alcoholic

family we all had a job in the family. My job was being the cause

the Nada's problems. My middle sister was Nadas healer and care

taker and my youngest sister was the comedian.

>

> So, my question is what was your job in the family?

>

> Lilly

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Bored stiff? Loosen up...

> Download and play hundreds of games for free on Yahoo! Games.

>

>

[Guest guest]

>My role was similar. I was the " ungrateful, bullheaded daughter,

creator of all problems " . My brother was the " mediator, can-do-no-

>wrong-because-he-is-male " role.

this is just like my household..I was the " bad " stubborn, difficult one, in

fact, I was the only one who was an individual..my oldest brother is still

the perfect one..he has always been...he calls mommy every week to talk to

her ( gag)

Jackie

[Guest guest]

well, the caretaker. nada was doing lots of speed and was an alcoholic

and needed me to lend her money and sooth her when she had been up too

many nights and was having hallucinations. but my role to her was the

punching bag. i was the root of all things wrong in her life. however,

if i had any sort of successes, then she paraded me around like a

trophy as a result of great parenting.

whatever suited her at that given moment was the role i had in her life.

now my role is non-existent. NC is so wonderful because i can play the

role of my own - myself!

love, christine

>

> I have noticed with from reading this group that like Alcoholic

family we all had a job in the family. My job was being the cause the

Nada's problems. My middle sister was Nadas healer and care taker and

my youngest sister was the comedian.

>

> So, my question is what was your job in the family?

>

> Lilly

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Bored stiff? Loosen up...

> Download and play hundreds of games for free on Yahoo! Games.

>

>

[Guest guest]

I was the mother of my family. I liked to cook and sort of took over on

that when I was young. My mother used to yell that I left the kitchen a

mess (not true, I'm almost obessive when it comes to cleaning the

kitchen) so that it was like she was doing me a favor by letting me cook. We

all cleaned- that was how my father got us to win points with Mother. (Come

on girls, lets make the house really nice for when your mother gets back.)

I remember being very young and sneaking into my parents' room to organize

my mother's closet. I got in trouble for it. Now I realize that she was

probably hiding something there and was terrified of being found out. My

older sister was the eldest that could do no wrong. She's really an amazing

person, so I don't begrudge her position as the favorite anymore, but then,

well, it was hard to deal with the difference in treatment. Mostly, I was my

younger sister's shield and caretaker. She couldn't not cry when Nada was

raging, and I felt that it was my job to stand up for both of us. I could

win something by not showing emotion. My sisters and I are incredibly close

now. Sort of like war buddies, I guess.

[Guest guest]

Like a lot of you, I'm the horrid daughter and my brother is the

perfect, angelic, model son. I admit, he's an awesome guy and

extremely likeable, but I'm pretty cool too, and people seem to like

me...

My role was secretary, IT specialist, housekeeper, image

consultant/family markeing guru (making sure everyone thought we were

the Cleavers), negotiator, errand-girl, personal shopper, choffeur,

and beautician. If I got paid for all that, I'd be a donor to my

cause rather than working in a non-profit.

To this day, I get nauseated every time I have to make a phone call.

You guys all rock, BTW.

-Maureen

> >

> > I have noticed with from reading this group that like Alcoholic

> family we all had a job in the family. My job was being the cause

the

> Nada's problems. My middle sister was Nadas healer and care taker

and

> my youngest sister was the comedian.

> >

> > So, my question is what was your job in the family?

> >

> > Lilly

> >

> >

> > ---------------------------------

> > Bored stiff? Loosen up...

> > Download and play hundreds of games for free on Yahoo! Games.

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Like a lot of you, I'm the horrid daughter and my brother is the

perfect, angelic, model son. I admit, he's an awesome guy and

extremely likeable, but I'm pretty cool too, and people seem to like

me...

My role was secretary, IT specialist, housekeeper, image

consultant/family markeing guru (making sure everyone thought we were

the Cleavers), negotiator, errand-girl, personal shopper, choffeur,

and beautician. If I got paid for all that, I'd be a donor to my

cause rather than working in a non-profit.

To this day, I get nauseated every time I have to make a phone call.

You guys all rock, BTW.

-Maureen

> >

> > I have noticed with from reading this group that like Alcoholic

> family we all had a job in the family. My job was being the cause

the

> Nada's problems. My middle sister was Nadas healer and care taker

and

> my youngest sister was the comedian.

> >

> > So, my question is what was your job in the family?

> >

> > Lilly

> >

> >

> > ---------------------------------

> > Bored stiff? Loosen up...

> > Download and play hundreds of games for free on Yahoo! Games.

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

It to took me awhile not to begrudge the favorite sisters position also. She

also is a wonderful talented woman and we talk a lot know. She however, does

not see that my mother had any probems, she still sees it all as my fault. But,

we just let the topic be and talk about our own lives.

Lilly

Bruss wrote:

I was the mother of my family. I liked to cook and sort of took over

on

that when I was young. My mother used to yell that I left the kitchen a

mess (not true, I'm almost obessive when it comes to cleaning the

kitchen) so that it was like she was doing me a favor by letting me cook. We

all cleaned- that was how my father got us to win points with Mother. (Come

on girls, lets make the house really nice for when your mother gets back.)

I remember being very young and sneaking into my parents' room to organize

my mother's closet. I got in trouble for it. Now I realize that she was

probably hiding something there and was terrified of being found out. My

older sister was the eldest that could do no wrong. She's really an amazing

person, so I don't begrudge her position as the favorite anymore, but then,

well, it was hard to deal with the difference in treatment. Mostly, I was my

younger sister's shield and caretaker. She couldn't not cry when Nada was

raging, and I felt that it was my job to stand up for both of us. I could

win something by not showing emotion. My sisters and I are incredibly close

now. Sort of like war buddies, I guess.

[Guest guest]

>I was the mother of my family. I liked to cook and sort of took over on

>that when I was young.

cooking was the only job I didn't have...I refused to do that...I am a good

cook, and just couldn't take her insults about that...I did the laundry,

vacuumed, dusted, striped all the bed/remade them, did the dishes/cleaned

the kitchen....

>My

older sister was the eldest that could do no wrong. She's really an amazing

>person, so I don't begrudge her position as the favorite anymore, but then,

>well, it was hard to deal with the difference in treatment.

I totally understand this...my oldest brother was the god-like child..and

he, too, really IS a great person, but was it because he was favored and the

rest of us were never encourage/praised/felt loved or wanted..the difference

in treatment continues to this day, and will until the witches

death...somehow I became the executor of the parents will...and everything

goes to everyone except me..I have not seen my name anywhere in this

will...

>My sisters and I are incredibly close now. Sort of like war buddies, I

>guess.

my oldest brother and I are friends..and my one sister, although she is VERY

narcissist...my other sister is BPD ( not the witch/queen like our nada, but

the waif) and my other drother drank himself to death 3 years ago ( he died

at age 51)

Jackie