Guest guest Posted March 28, 2007 Report Share Posted March 28, 2007 Yup, that's me too. I feel so great when I am taking care of someone and I do it right. Recently, I helped a friend after she hurt her eye by waking up every 1-2 hours and putting drops in her eye all night long. She couldn't do it because of the pain meds I insisted they give her made her really drowsy and unable to function. I also fed her, changed her clothes and sent emails to address her responsibilities that she was not able to manage while injured. Well, I felt so good in the morning when her eye was a whole lot better, and I possibly helped prevent a very serious infection, and helped her get some relief from the awful pain. For me it was like being high on drugs or something. I kept thinking (and still do wonder) about how I could have done it differently. Maybe I could have recruited other people to take shifts with me? I don't know. But I know I have a problem with the saving people thing. Like I'm a saving people junkie. I think it's because with nada I was expected to take care of her, and I felt guilty and bad about myself because I could never do an adequate job no matter what. Yet still, I learned that that was what I am good for, to be a caretaker and person who keeps her company (sometimes she would make me or beg me to come with her everywhere she went, even now that I am grown she still does this. then she complains about when you have kids it's like they're your shadow and you're tripping over them all the time since they always want to be next to you. WTF?). So now I try over and over again to proove my worth and that I AM useful (she would tell me when I failed to meet expectations that I was useless) and it's the best feeling in the world when someone tells me that I really made a difference, or I can see that I made a tangible difference. Also, I have a lot of empathy for the hurt, the wounded or otherwise in need of care. Sometimes I feel like I'm giving other people the care I wish someone would give to me. I know this sounds really messed up, but sometimes I actually wish I would break my leg so that I could go to the hospital and doctors and nurses would take care of me. I would never do it on purpose, so at least I'm not that messed up. I did love it when I hurt my knee last week and my SO put ointment on it. So simple and small, but I felt cared for. Or when he showed me a phone deal online because he knew I'm looking for a new phone. It really doesn't take much to make me feel cared for because I haven't receved much sincere care since I was 9. Melany Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2007 Report Share Posted March 28, 2007 Oh yes, I can relate to this posting.. I remain attached to relationships, because I think I can save or help the other person. Until I finally realized... (after much therapy), I can only change me. I have spent hours and many precious moments trying to help change nada. Which just further frustrated me. I think many of us can easily become codependents where the BP in are lives are concerned. That is why this place is so important. Here we have a group of people who understand, the importance of breaking free from the BP in your life, despite what the others say, especially the BP we are dealing with. Keep growing in your journey..... Blessings, Malinda > > I have noticed something about a lot of us, myself included. We think we can " save the world " . Many of us felt that it was our faults and still some of us think it is our faults that Nada was crazy and if we could just be good enough she would get better. I know in my family I was the one who was considered the reason for Nada's problems and in my husband to be's family I am considered the reason for his daughter problems(she is BP) So, when it comes to trying to fix the family and bring everyone together we think that maybe this time we can get it right. But guess what its not us. We don't have the power to fix it. All we have the power to do is to fix ourselves and our hurts. To make a new family and move on from there. Think of it this way if Nada had diabeties could you fix it by figuring out how to be good enough? Of course not that is crazy talk. So, why would we be able to fix this. We can't. > > Ok just ramblings and thoughts from a sociologist who grew up with a BP Nada and two psychologists for parents. And yes Nada is one of the psychologist, actually she has a Master is Psychology, Couseling, and Psy. Ed(what can I say the women likes to go to collage) It wouldn't suprise me if she got a Doctorate in brain surgery for the hell of it. > > Lilly > > > --------------------------------- > Never miss an email again! > Yahoo! Toolbar alerts you the instant new Mail arrives. Check it out. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2007 Report Share Posted March 28, 2007 Oh yes, I can relate to this posting.. I remain attached to relationships, because I think I can save or help the other person. Until I finally realized... (after much therapy), I can only change me. I have spent hours and many precious moments trying to help change nada. Which just further frustrated me. I think many of us can easily become codependents where the BP in are lives are concerned. That is why this place is so important. Here we have a group of people who understand, the importance of breaking free from the BP in your life, despite what the others say, especially the BP we are dealing with. Keep growing in your journey..... Blessings, Malinda > > I have noticed something about a lot of us, myself included. We think we can " save the world " . Many of us felt that it was our faults and still some of us think it is our faults that Nada was crazy and if we could just be good enough she would get better. I know in my family I was the one who was considered the reason for Nada's problems and in my husband to be's family I am considered the reason for his daughter problems(she is BP) So, when it comes to trying to fix the family and bring everyone together we think that maybe this time we can get it right. But guess what its not us. We don't have the power to fix it. All we have the power to do is to fix ourselves and our hurts. To make a new family and move on from there. Think of it this way if Nada had diabeties could you fix it by figuring out how to be good enough? Of course not that is crazy talk. So, why would we be able to fix this. We can't. > > Ok just ramblings and thoughts from a sociologist who grew up with a BP Nada and two psychologists for parents. And yes Nada is one of the psychologist, actually she has a Master is Psychology, Couseling, and Psy. Ed(what can I say the women likes to go to collage) It wouldn't suprise me if she got a Doctorate in brain surgery for the hell of it. > > Lilly > > > --------------------------------- > Never miss an email again! > Yahoo! Toolbar alerts you the instant new Mail arrives. Check it out. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2007 Report Share Posted March 28, 2007 Oh yes, I can relate to this posting.. I remain attached to relationships, because I think I can save or help the other person. Until I finally realized... (after much therapy), I can only change me. I have spent hours and many precious moments trying to help change nada. Which just further frustrated me. I think many of us can easily become codependents where the BP in are lives are concerned. That is why this place is so important. Here we have a group of people who understand, the importance of breaking free from the BP in your life, despite what the others say, especially the BP we are dealing with. Keep growing in your journey..... Blessings, Malinda > > I have noticed something about a lot of us, myself included. We think we can " save the world " . Many of us felt that it was our faults and still some of us think it is our faults that Nada was crazy and if we could just be good enough she would get better. I know in my family I was the one who was considered the reason for Nada's problems and in my husband to be's family I am considered the reason for his daughter problems(she is BP) So, when it comes to trying to fix the family and bring everyone together we think that maybe this time we can get it right. But guess what its not us. We don't have the power to fix it. All we have the power to do is to fix ourselves and our hurts. To make a new family and move on from there. Think of it this way if Nada had diabeties could you fix it by figuring out how to be good enough? Of course not that is crazy talk. So, why would we be able to fix this. We can't. > > Ok just ramblings and thoughts from a sociologist who grew up with a BP Nada and two psychologists for parents. And yes Nada is one of the psychologist, actually she has a Master is Psychology, Couseling, and Psy. Ed(what can I say the women likes to go to collage) It wouldn't suprise me if she got a Doctorate in brain surgery for the hell of it. > > Lilly > > > --------------------------------- > Never miss an email again! > Yahoo! Toolbar alerts you the instant new Mail arrives. Check it out. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2007 Report Share Posted March 28, 2007 That's a big 10-4, Lilly! I am currently being accused of being the cause of my mother's (latest) miseries -- she is depressed and brooding and I finally got away from it at age 44. When I think about all the time I wasted rushing in when Dishrag and Nada snapped their fingers. Always afraid of their disapproval. Once, my dad demanded we appear at their house on a certain Christmas when we had already made plans with my in-Laws (a Cardinal Sin!!!) My father, instead of respecting our right to make any darn plans we felt like, told me " Well, you can just tell them (the inlaws) that you have to leave early. " Does that sound like someone who sees me as a adult? Or a 10 year old child? Sheesh -- when I think of the time I wasted " Saving the World " on their behalf. Heaven forbid that I " displease " them by not meeting their demands, or thinking the way they think. I lived my life a nervous wreck, scared to death I was going to piss them off. It's how I saw the rest of the world, too. I lived like a coward for 2 wasted decades. Good topic, Lilly -- --Kyla > > I have noticed something about a lot of us, myself included. We think we can " save the world " . Many of us felt that it was our faults and still some of us think it is our faults that Nada was crazy and if we could just be good enough she would get better. I know in my family I was the one who was considered the reason for Nada's problems and in my husband to be's family I am considered the reason for his daughter problems(she is BP) So, when it comes to trying to fix the family and bring everyone together we think that maybe this time we can get it right. But guess what its not us. We don't have the power to fix it. All we have the power to do is to fix ourselves and our hurts. To make a new family and move on from there. Think of it this way if Nada had diabeties could you fix it by figuring out how to be good enough? Of course not that is crazy talk. So, why would we be able to fix this. We can't. > > Ok just ramblings and thoughts from a sociologist who grew up with a BP Nada and two psychologists for parents. And yes Nada is one of the psychologist, actually she has a Master is Psychology, Couseling, and Psy. Ed(what can I say the women likes to go to collage) It wouldn't suprise me if she got a Doctorate in brain surgery for the hell of it. > > Lilly > > > --------------------------------- > Never miss an email again! > Yahoo! Toolbar alerts you the instant new Mail arrives. Check it out. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2007 Report Share Posted March 28, 2007 That's a big 10-4, Lilly! I am currently being accused of being the cause of my mother's (latest) miseries -- she is depressed and brooding and I finally got away from it at age 44. When I think about all the time I wasted rushing in when Dishrag and Nada snapped their fingers. Always afraid of their disapproval. Once, my dad demanded we appear at their house on a certain Christmas when we had already made plans with my in-Laws (a Cardinal Sin!!!) My father, instead of respecting our right to make any darn plans we felt like, told me " Well, you can just tell them (the inlaws) that you have to leave early. " Does that sound like someone who sees me as a adult? Or a 10 year old child? Sheesh -- when I think of the time I wasted " Saving the World " on their behalf. Heaven forbid that I " displease " them by not meeting their demands, or thinking the way they think. I lived my life a nervous wreck, scared to death I was going to piss them off. It's how I saw the rest of the world, too. I lived like a coward for 2 wasted decades. Good topic, Lilly -- --Kyla > > I have noticed something about a lot of us, myself included. We think we can " save the world " . Many of us felt that it was our faults and still some of us think it is our faults that Nada was crazy and if we could just be good enough she would get better. I know in my family I was the one who was considered the reason for Nada's problems and in my husband to be's family I am considered the reason for his daughter problems(she is BP) So, when it comes to trying to fix the family and bring everyone together we think that maybe this time we can get it right. But guess what its not us. We don't have the power to fix it. All we have the power to do is to fix ourselves and our hurts. To make a new family and move on from there. Think of it this way if Nada had diabeties could you fix it by figuring out how to be good enough? Of course not that is crazy talk. So, why would we be able to fix this. We can't. > > Ok just ramblings and thoughts from a sociologist who grew up with a BP Nada and two psychologists for parents. And yes Nada is one of the psychologist, actually she has a Master is Psychology, Couseling, and Psy. Ed(what can I say the women likes to go to collage) It wouldn't suprise me if she got a Doctorate in brain surgery for the hell of it. > > Lilly > > > --------------------------------- > Never miss an email again! > Yahoo! Toolbar alerts you the instant new Mail arrives. Check it out. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2007 Report Share Posted March 28, 2007 That's a big 10-4, Lilly! I am currently being accused of being the cause of my mother's (latest) miseries -- she is depressed and brooding and I finally got away from it at age 44. When I think about all the time I wasted rushing in when Dishrag and Nada snapped their fingers. Always afraid of their disapproval. Once, my dad demanded we appear at their house on a certain Christmas when we had already made plans with my in-Laws (a Cardinal Sin!!!) My father, instead of respecting our right to make any darn plans we felt like, told me " Well, you can just tell them (the inlaws) that you have to leave early. " Does that sound like someone who sees me as a adult? Or a 10 year old child? Sheesh -- when I think of the time I wasted " Saving the World " on their behalf. Heaven forbid that I " displease " them by not meeting their demands, or thinking the way they think. I lived my life a nervous wreck, scared to death I was going to piss them off. It's how I saw the rest of the world, too. I lived like a coward for 2 wasted decades. Good topic, Lilly -- --Kyla > > I have noticed something about a lot of us, myself included. We think we can " save the world " . Many of us felt that it was our faults and still some of us think it is our faults that Nada was crazy and if we could just be good enough she would get better. I know in my family I was the one who was considered the reason for Nada's problems and in my husband to be's family I am considered the reason for his daughter problems(she is BP) So, when it comes to trying to fix the family and bring everyone together we think that maybe this time we can get it right. But guess what its not us. We don't have the power to fix it. All we have the power to do is to fix ourselves and our hurts. To make a new family and move on from there. Think of it this way if Nada had diabeties could you fix it by figuring out how to be good enough? Of course not that is crazy talk. So, why would we be able to fix this. We can't. > > Ok just ramblings and thoughts from a sociologist who grew up with a BP Nada and two psychologists for parents. And yes Nada is one of the psychologist, actually she has a Master is Psychology, Couseling, and Psy. Ed(what can I say the women likes to go to collage) It wouldn't suprise me if she got a Doctorate in brain surgery for the hell of it. > > Lilly > > > --------------------------------- > Never miss an email again! > Yahoo! Toolbar alerts you the instant new Mail arrives. Check it out. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2007 Report Share Posted March 28, 2007 I can relate too! My relationships always seem to be with people who are also broken and need help. Somehow, I have not become cynical and always cling to the hope that people can change and that there is good in everybody. I am learning my lesson the hard way on this one!! > > > > I have noticed something about a lot of us, myself included. We > think we can " save the world " . Many of us felt that it was our > faults and still some of us think it is our faults that Nada was > crazy and if we could just be good enough she would get better. I > know in my family I was the one who was considered the reason for > Nada's problems and in my husband to be's family I am considered the > reason for his daughter problems(she is BP) So, when it comes to > trying to fix the family and bring everyone together we think that > maybe this time we can get it right. But guess what its not us. We > don't have the power to fix it. All we have the power to do is to > fix ourselves and our hurts. To make a new family and move on from > there. Think of it this way if Nada had diabeties could you fix it > by figuring out how to be good enough? Of course not that is crazy > talk. So, why would we be able to fix this. We can't. > > > > Ok just ramblings and thoughts from a sociologist who grew up > with a BP Nada and two psychologists for parents. And yes Nada is > one of the psychologist, actually she has a Master is Psychology, > Couseling, and Psy. Ed(what can I say the women likes to go to > collage) It wouldn't suprise me if she got a Doctorate in brain > surgery for the hell of it. > > > > Lilly > > > > > > --------------------------------- > > Never miss an email again! > > Yahoo! Toolbar alerts you the instant new Mail arrives. Check it > out. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2007 Report Share Posted March 28, 2007 I can relate too! My relationships always seem to be with people who are also broken and need help. Somehow, I have not become cynical and always cling to the hope that people can change and that there is good in everybody. I am learning my lesson the hard way on this one!! > > > > I have noticed something about a lot of us, myself included. We > think we can " save the world " . Many of us felt that it was our > faults and still some of us think it is our faults that Nada was > crazy and if we could just be good enough she would get better. I > know in my family I was the one who was considered the reason for > Nada's problems and in my husband to be's family I am considered the > reason for his daughter problems(she is BP) So, when it comes to > trying to fix the family and bring everyone together we think that > maybe this time we can get it right. But guess what its not us. We > don't have the power to fix it. All we have the power to do is to > fix ourselves and our hurts. To make a new family and move on from > there. Think of it this way if Nada had diabeties could you fix it > by figuring out how to be good enough? Of course not that is crazy > talk. So, why would we be able to fix this. We can't. > > > > Ok just ramblings and thoughts from a sociologist who grew up > with a BP Nada and two psychologists for parents. And yes Nada is > one of the psychologist, actually she has a Master is Psychology, > Couseling, and Psy. Ed(what can I say the women likes to go to > collage) It wouldn't suprise me if she got a Doctorate in brain > surgery for the hell of it. > > > > Lilly > > > > > > --------------------------------- > > Never miss an email again! > > Yahoo! Toolbar alerts you the instant new Mail arrives. Check it > out. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2007 Report Share Posted March 28, 2007 I can relate too! My relationships always seem to be with people who are also broken and need help. Somehow, I have not become cynical and always cling to the hope that people can change and that there is good in everybody. I am learning my lesson the hard way on this one!! > > > > I have noticed something about a lot of us, myself included. We > think we can " save the world " . Many of us felt that it was our > faults and still some of us think it is our faults that Nada was > crazy and if we could just be good enough she would get better. I > know in my family I was the one who was considered the reason for > Nada's problems and in my husband to be's family I am considered the > reason for his daughter problems(she is BP) So, when it comes to > trying to fix the family and bring everyone together we think that > maybe this time we can get it right. But guess what its not us. We > don't have the power to fix it. All we have the power to do is to > fix ourselves and our hurts. To make a new family and move on from > there. Think of it this way if Nada had diabeties could you fix it > by figuring out how to be good enough? Of course not that is crazy > talk. So, why would we be able to fix this. We can't. > > > > Ok just ramblings and thoughts from a sociologist who grew up > with a BP Nada and two psychologists for parents. And yes Nada is > one of the psychologist, actually she has a Master is Psychology, > Couseling, and Psy. Ed(what can I say the women likes to go to > collage) It wouldn't suprise me if she got a Doctorate in brain > surgery for the hell of it. > > > > Lilly > > > > > > --------------------------------- > > Never miss an email again! > > Yahoo! Toolbar alerts you the instant new Mail arrives. Check it > out. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2007 Report Share Posted March 28, 2007 I can relate too! My relationships always seem to be with people who are also broken and need help. Somehow, I have not become cynical and always cling to the hope that people can change and that there is good in everybody. I am learning my lesson the hard way on this one!! > > > > I have noticed something about a lot of us, myself included. We > think we can " save the world " . Many of us felt that it was our > faults and still some of us think it is our faults that Nada was > crazy and if we could just be good enough she would get better. I > know in my family I was the one who was considered the reason for > Nada's problems and in my husband to be's family I am considered the > reason for his daughter problems(she is BP) So, when it comes to > trying to fix the family and bring everyone together we think that > maybe this time we can get it right. But guess what its not us. We > don't have the power to fix it. All we have the power to do is to > fix ourselves and our hurts. To make a new family and move on from > there. Think of it this way if Nada had diabeties could you fix it > by figuring out how to be good enough? Of course not that is crazy > talk. So, why would we be able to fix this. We can't. > > > > Ok just ramblings and thoughts from a sociologist who grew up > with a BP Nada and two psychologists for parents. And yes Nada is > one of the psychologist, actually she has a Master is Psychology, > Couseling, and Psy. Ed(what can I say the women likes to go to > collage) It wouldn't suprise me if she got a Doctorate in brain > surgery for the hell of it. > > > > Lilly > > > > > > --------------------------------- > > Never miss an email again! > > Yahoo! Toolbar alerts you the instant new Mail arrives. Check it > out. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2007 Report Share Posted March 28, 2007 >When I think about all the time I wasted rushing in when Dishrag and >Nada snapped their fingers. Always afraid of their disapproval. I know exactly what you are talking about !! >Once, my dad demanded we appear at their house on a certain >Christmas when we had already made plans with my in-Laws (a Cardinal Sin!!!) same here !! We were going to my parents for Thanksgiving and in laws for Christmas...and nada says why do THEY get Christmas ( OMG if you all knew the horroble Christmas I have endured...I don't even both decorating a tree or the house too many painful memories) then she had the nerve to demade we change it...so like an idiot I did...we went to inlaws for Thanksgiving,,, but Christmas got snowed out and we couldn't go to my parents :-) The main expressway was closed because of high snow amounts and ice, so nada suggested we take the back roads !! >My father, instead of respecting our right to make any darn plans we felt like, told me " Well, you can just tell them (the inlaws) that >you have to leave early. " I've gotten that too...only nada has always dont the dirty work herself >Does that sound like someone who sees me as a adult? Or a 10 year old child? I'd say neither...they see you as a possesion !! >Heaven forbid that I " displease " them by not meeting their demands, or thinking the way they think. I lived my life a >nervous wreck, scared to death I was going to piss them off. same here...now, my dads 85th birthday is coming up in august...and already I'm worried about the confrontation of nada !! I know I will not get back into her god graces, and I will not let her bully me, but I know she will try...she just LOVES confrontations.. >I lived like a coward for 2 wasted decades. only 2 ?? try 4+ !! I've been this way my whole life..up until last year when I broke away...and still I struggle with the guilt and fear...but it's getting less and less :-) Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2007 Report Share Posted March 28, 2007 >When I think about all the time I wasted rushing in when Dishrag and >Nada snapped their fingers. Always afraid of their disapproval. I know exactly what you are talking about !! >Once, my dad demanded we appear at their house on a certain >Christmas when we had already made plans with my in-Laws (a Cardinal Sin!!!) same here !! We were going to my parents for Thanksgiving and in laws for Christmas...and nada says why do THEY get Christmas ( OMG if you all knew the horroble Christmas I have endured...I don't even both decorating a tree or the house too many painful memories) then she had the nerve to demade we change it...so like an idiot I did...we went to inlaws for Thanksgiving,,, but Christmas got snowed out and we couldn't go to my parents :-) The main expressway was closed because of high snow amounts and ice, so nada suggested we take the back roads !! >My father, instead of respecting our right to make any darn plans we felt like, told me " Well, you can just tell them (the inlaws) that >you have to leave early. " I've gotten that too...only nada has always dont the dirty work herself >Does that sound like someone who sees me as a adult? Or a 10 year old child? I'd say neither...they see you as a possesion !! >Heaven forbid that I " displease " them by not meeting their demands, or thinking the way they think. I lived my life a >nervous wreck, scared to death I was going to piss them off. same here...now, my dads 85th birthday is coming up in august...and already I'm worried about the confrontation of nada !! I know I will not get back into her god graces, and I will not let her bully me, but I know she will try...she just LOVES confrontations.. >I lived like a coward for 2 wasted decades. only 2 ?? try 4+ !! I've been this way my whole life..up until last year when I broke away...and still I struggle with the guilt and fear...but it's getting less and less :-) Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2007 Report Share Posted March 28, 2007 >When I think about all the time I wasted rushing in when Dishrag and >Nada snapped their fingers. Always afraid of their disapproval. I know exactly what you are talking about !! >Once, my dad demanded we appear at their house on a certain >Christmas when we had already made plans with my in-Laws (a Cardinal Sin!!!) same here !! We were going to my parents for Thanksgiving and in laws for Christmas...and nada says why do THEY get Christmas ( OMG if you all knew the horroble Christmas I have endured...I don't even both decorating a tree or the house too many painful memories) then she had the nerve to demade we change it...so like an idiot I did...we went to inlaws for Thanksgiving,,, but Christmas got snowed out and we couldn't go to my parents :-) The main expressway was closed because of high snow amounts and ice, so nada suggested we take the back roads !! >My father, instead of respecting our right to make any darn plans we felt like, told me " Well, you can just tell them (the inlaws) that >you have to leave early. " I've gotten that too...only nada has always dont the dirty work herself >Does that sound like someone who sees me as a adult? Or a 10 year old child? I'd say neither...they see you as a possesion !! >Heaven forbid that I " displease " them by not meeting their demands, or thinking the way they think. I lived my life a >nervous wreck, scared to death I was going to piss them off. same here...now, my dads 85th birthday is coming up in august...and already I'm worried about the confrontation of nada !! I know I will not get back into her god graces, and I will not let her bully me, but I know she will try...she just LOVES confrontations.. >I lived like a coward for 2 wasted decades. only 2 ?? try 4+ !! I've been this way my whole life..up until last year when I broke away...and still I struggle with the guilt and fear...but it's getting less and less :-) Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2007 Report Share Posted March 28, 2007 >Somehow, I have not become cynical and always cling to the hope that people can change and that there is good in everybody. >I am learning my lesson the hard way on this one!! OH, I'm this way..I am not cynical, I am an up beat person who looks on the bright side of most things :-) I don't see anything wrong with this, as long as I'm not over looking the bad, and making something ( someone) seem better than it is... Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2007 Report Share Posted March 28, 2007 Parallel lives AGAIN! Amazing! I'm surprised your mother didn't demand an extra Holiday since Christmas got snowed in! As far as the decades go, I was just counting adulthood! LOL! I've been in their clutches 44 years! But, last June I read " Emotional Blackmail " and some internet digging into the subject led me here and to learn their behaviors had names: NPD and BPD. Not diagnosed, but the behaviors are there, so I figure the coping strategies here are useful. It was like I suddenly woke up -- lightbulb went off. Since that time, it's been easier to stand up to them. Not EASY, but easier. Before I would NEVER have uttered a word. Just churned inside..... Wonder what this year's Holidays will bring! {hugs} Kyla > > >When I think about all the time I wasted rushing in when Dishrag and > >Nada snapped their fingers. Always afraid of their disapproval. > > I know exactly what you are talking about !! > > >Once, my dad demanded we appear at their house on a certain > >Christmas when we had already made plans with my in-Laws (a Cardinal > Sin!!!) > > same here !! We were going to my parents for Thanksgiving and in laws for > Christmas...and nada says why do THEY get Christmas ( OMG if you all knew > the horroble Christmas I have endured...I don't even both decorating a tree > or the house too many painful memories) then she had the nerve to demade we > change it...so like an idiot I did...we went to inlaws for Thanksgiving,,, > but Christmas got snowed out and we couldn't go to my parents :- ) The main > expressway was closed because of high snow amounts and ice, so nada > suggested we take the back roads !! > > >My father, instead of respecting our right to make any darn plans we > felt like, told me " Well, you can just tell them (the inlaws) that > >you have to leave early. " > > I've gotten that too...only nada has always dont the dirty work herself > > >Does that sound like someone who sees me as a adult? Or a 10 year > old child? > > I'd say neither...they see you as a possesion !! > > >Heaven forbid that I " displease " them by not meeting > their demands, or thinking the way they think. I lived my life a > >nervous wreck, scared to death I was going to piss them off. > > same here...now, my dads 85th birthday is coming up in august...and already > I'm worried about the confrontation of nada !! I know I will not get back > into her god graces, and I will not let her bully me, but I know she will > try...she just LOVES confrontations.. > > >I lived like a coward for 2 wasted decades. > > only 2 ?? try 4+ !! I've been this way my whole life..up until last year > when I broke away...and still I struggle with the guilt and fear...but it's > getting less and less :-) > > Jackie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2007 Report Share Posted March 28, 2007 >Parallel lives AGAIN! Amazing! I'm surprised your mother didn't >demand an extra Holiday since Christmas got snowed in! LOL don't give her any ideas ! >As far as the decades go, I was just counting adulthood! LOL! ah, I consider the trauma, emotional black mail, physical abuse, mental abuse etc all in it too, and thats why they have such a hold on us ( " no one will love you like your mother does " and since it's clear mother doesn't, therefore we are unworthy of any love, being treated well) that all started when I was born :-( >last June I read " Emotional Blackmail " I'll have to read that one..I've read Understanding the Borderline mother, SWOE, Surviving Borderline parents.... >It was like I suddenly woke up -- lightbulb went off. Since that >time, it's been easier to stand up to them. Not EASY, but easier. oh, I totally understand, and the book that really did it for me was Boundaries. I had no IDEA I could actually say no to my mother !! I always got the tantrums, the rages, the 'you're so selfish " and " the Bible says honor your parents which means obey them " this book opend my eyes !! >Wonder what this year's Holidays will bring! peace and quiet for us as we probably wont go anywhere LOL I just have to get through the end of august.. Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2007 Report Share Posted March 28, 2007 About saving nada--when I was finally absolutely beyond my ability to help her anymore and I had to say no, well for me that was the breaking point. I found out that a)she had been using me as a first resort, not last, her life went on and she managed to survive without my " desperately needed " help, c) even after I had given more than I could and finally had to say no, she kept asking me for help, and even asked me to ask other people in my life to help her. The list goes on, and I think I'm going to make a new post because I'm curious about what made other people wake up to the truth. I finally got mad when I realized I have just been used so badly by her, and all of that 'rescuing' was not necessary, it just allowed her not to be responsible for herself. I feel like such a tool. I'm so glad it happened now and not 20 years from now at least. Melany Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2007 Report Share Posted March 28, 2007 I cut off all ties with PB in '92 or so. But i am heavily involved in animal rescue now trying to " save the world " for creatures that it really does make a difference. Thanks for posting this. It gave me the answer as to what drives me to rescue animals so. Cristie > > About saving nada--when I was finally absolutely beyond my ability to > help her anymore and I had to say no, well for me that was the > breaking point. I found out that a)she had been using me as a first > resort, not last, her life went on and she managed to survive > without my " desperately needed " help, c) even after I had given more > than I could and finally had to say no, she kept asking me for help, > and even asked me to ask other people in my life to help her. The list > goes on, and I think I'm going to make a new post because I'm curious > about what made other people wake up to the truth. > > I finally got mad when I realized I have just been used so badly by > her, and all of that 'rescuing' was not necessary, it just allowed her > not to be responsible for herself. I feel like such a tool. I'm so > glad it happened now and not 20 years from now at least. > > Melany > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2007 Report Share Posted March 28, 2007 I cut off all ties with PB in '92 or so. But i am heavily involved in animal rescue now trying to " save the world " for creatures that it really does make a difference. Thanks for posting this. It gave me the answer as to what drives me to rescue animals so. Cristie > > About saving nada--when I was finally absolutely beyond my ability to > help her anymore and I had to say no, well for me that was the > breaking point. I found out that a)she had been using me as a first > resort, not last, her life went on and she managed to survive > without my " desperately needed " help, c) even after I had given more > than I could and finally had to say no, she kept asking me for help, > and even asked me to ask other people in my life to help her. The list > goes on, and I think I'm going to make a new post because I'm curious > about what made other people wake up to the truth. > > I finally got mad when I realized I have just been used so badly by > her, and all of that 'rescuing' was not necessary, it just allowed her > not to be responsible for herself. I feel like such a tool. I'm so > glad it happened now and not 20 years from now at least. > > Melany > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2007 Report Share Posted March 28, 2007 I cut off all ties with PB in '92 or so. But i am heavily involved in animal rescue now trying to " save the world " for creatures that it really does make a difference. Thanks for posting this. It gave me the answer as to what drives me to rescue animals so. Cristie > > About saving nada--when I was finally absolutely beyond my ability to > help her anymore and I had to say no, well for me that was the > breaking point. I found out that a)she had been using me as a first > resort, not last, her life went on and she managed to survive > without my " desperately needed " help, c) even after I had given more > than I could and finally had to say no, she kept asking me for help, > and even asked me to ask other people in my life to help her. The list > goes on, and I think I'm going to make a new post because I'm curious > about what made other people wake up to the truth. > > I finally got mad when I realized I have just been used so badly by > her, and all of that 'rescuing' was not necessary, it just allowed her > not to be responsible for herself. I feel like such a tool. I'm so > glad it happened now and not 20 years from now at least. > > Melany > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2007 Report Share Posted March 28, 2007 I cut off all ties with PB in '92 or so. But i am heavily involved in animal rescue now trying to " save the world " for creatures that it really does make a difference. Thanks for posting this. It gave me the answer as to what drives me to rescue animals so. Cristie > > About saving nada--when I was finally absolutely beyond my ability to > help her anymore and I had to say no, well for me that was the > breaking point. I found out that a)she had been using me as a first > resort, not last, her life went on and she managed to survive > without my " desperately needed " help, c) even after I had given more > than I could and finally had to say no, she kept asking me for help, > and even asked me to ask other people in my life to help her. The list > goes on, and I think I'm going to make a new post because I'm curious > about what made other people wake up to the truth. > > I finally got mad when I realized I have just been used so badly by > her, and all of that 'rescuing' was not necessary, it just allowed her > not to be responsible for herself. I feel like such a tool. I'm so > glad it happened now and not 20 years from now at least. > > Melany > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2007 Report Share Posted March 28, 2007 I cut off all ties with PB in '92 or so. But i am heavily involved in animal rescue now trying to " save the world " for creatures that it really does make a difference. Thanks for posting this. It gave me the answer as to what drives me to rescue animals so. Cristie > > About saving nada--when I was finally absolutely beyond my ability to > help her anymore and I had to say no, well for me that was the > breaking point. I found out that a)she had been using me as a first > resort, not last, her life went on and she managed to survive > without my " desperately needed " help, c) even after I had given more > than I could and finally had to say no, she kept asking me for help, > and even asked me to ask other people in my life to help her. The list > goes on, and I think I'm going to make a new post because I'm curious > about what made other people wake up to the truth. > > I finally got mad when I realized I have just been used so badly by > her, and all of that 'rescuing' was not necessary, it just allowed her > not to be responsible for herself. I feel like such a tool. I'm so > glad it happened now and not 20 years from now at least. > > Melany > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2007 Report Share Posted March 28, 2007 I cut off all ties with PB in '92 or so. But i am heavily involved in animal rescue now trying to " save the world " for creatures that it really does make a difference. Thanks for posting this. It gave me the answer as to what drives me to rescue animals so. Cristie > > About saving nada--when I was finally absolutely beyond my ability to > help her anymore and I had to say no, well for me that was the > breaking point. I found out that a)she had been using me as a first > resort, not last, her life went on and she managed to survive > without my " desperately needed " help, c) even after I had given more > than I could and finally had to say no, she kept asking me for help, > and even asked me to ask other people in my life to help her. The list > goes on, and I think I'm going to make a new post because I'm curious > about what made other people wake up to the truth. > > I finally got mad when I realized I have just been used so badly by > her, and all of that 'rescuing' was not necessary, it just allowed her > not to be responsible for herself. I feel like such a tool. I'm so > glad it happened now and not 20 years from now at least. > > Melany > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 28, 2007 Report Share Posted March 28, 2007 I cut off all ties with PB in '92 or so. But i am heavily involved in animal rescue now trying to " save the world " for creatures that it really does make a difference. Thanks for posting this. It gave me the answer as to what drives me to rescue animals so. Cristie > > About saving nada--when I was finally absolutely beyond my ability to > help her anymore and I had to say no, well for me that was the > breaking point. I found out that a)she had been using me as a first > resort, not last, her life went on and she managed to survive > without my " desperately needed " help, c) even after I had given more > than I could and finally had to say no, she kept asking me for help, > and even asked me to ask other people in my life to help her. The list > goes on, and I think I'm going to make a new post because I'm curious > about what made other people wake up to the truth. > > I finally got mad when I realized I have just been used so badly by > her, and all of that 'rescuing' was not necessary, it just allowed her > not to be responsible for herself. I feel like such a tool. I'm so > glad it happened now and not 20 years from now at least. > > Melany > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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