Hello or Goodbye

[Guest guest]

Hi,

I probably will not be able to get back with " us " much yet as I am still in

hospital fighting the " Disease liking my lungs thingy...AGAIN " . And yes, much

disappointed and frustrated about the whole ordeal. I literally went from being

underweight to overweight in a matter of two weeks. Which I know is the least of

my worries right now. Then there is the fact that; I am now as of last night

" just a puffy ball of fluid " . I can just barely bend the ankles from the

edema..though I force it to help prevent a DVT or other. Just to get to the BSC

takes most of a normal days energy from what might be considered a normal day.

The Doctor just came in and changed her mind, wants to put in a port instead of

a picc. This is good news and bad. A PICC line means a shorter duration

usually in general. A port means their thinking this is going to be another one

of those long roads for me....right? I just got back home not so long ago and

now I am sicker again with the lungs. I wanted to hang around here at home and

be back with my family here for a while anyway. I want to be the well one

and..... Oh wow! I want. How many of " us " are or have been right there where

I just saw myself! Lost in the fear, the unexplained, the unforeseeable and

yes, even for me now...the area of grey I am afraid to see. The END. I came so

very close this time, don't know which was worse, now or in 2006. I do know

that spiritually I could go, though will I ever be ready to leave those

grandchildren and my daughter? How do we say good bye to friends that have been

and are just like family? How does one let go of that in preparation for death

that may or may not be imminent? How do I truly prepare my mind for death?

Maybe, just maybe this is something that I could do some research on for the

next conference...If I am there... and right now, I don't know if I will. I

know most of ya'll have been right here with me, right now...having some of the

same feelings I am sharing now... so thank you for letting me share. I do know

each of us has our own individual expectations in and around death. Yet how can

we expect from " this entity " that seems to give no real choice to time of day or

even the date, month or year we die.My chest is getting tight again due to the

resp status so I am gonna have to get off here. Thank you for your prayers and

thoughts ya'll. Remember, I may not be back on for a while so please do not

offend if I don't write back right now. And I don't expect any of ya'll to have

to do that either, OK. Just wanted to, needed to vent a tad. I miss you.

Love,

Kathleen