Hi, I'm new here. And finally, I can breathe.

[Guest guest]

Hi Everyone,

I am so glad to find this message board. Within the last two weeks my

life has been turned upside down. Or right side up, you could say. I

have finally come to the realization that my mom has BPD, and how very

many ways this has affected my life and who I am.

Right now I'm trying to think of examples of how messed up my

relationship is with her, but there are too many to convey. Let's just

say that from the day I was born she expected me to love her

unconditionally, and not the other way around, and was distrustful of

her newborn baby becase she *knew* that the adoring way I looked at

her while breastfeeding was not because I loved her, but because she

was my food supply. Duh, of course she was my food supply! Do you

think a baby can manipulate? Apparently she did. Anyway, I can go on

and on, but basically I was so verbally and emotionally abused growing

up that I have become an insecure nervous wreck. And then she

criticises me for being insecure.

The one time I when to psychotherapy in college and they told me she

was not good for me, I made the mistake of telling her. She beat me

down (emotionally) real good after that to the point where I couldn't

even question anything and felt the need to defend her every action to

everyone, fiercely. She occasionally reinforces the beat down by

telling me how hurt she was when those awful psychologist made me hate

her.

Through a series of not-connected events recently, I figured out that

she has BPD. I decided recently to stand up for myself in a small,

small way. She was mad at me for, well basically for not being able to

read her mind. I stated the facts of the situation which luckily

occured over email so I was able to actually look at her words rather

than attempt to use my highly insecure ability to recall what

happened. She blew up and hasn't spoken to me since. I apologized (I'm

not all the way there yet folks), but apparently it wasn't the " abject

apology " that she demanded.

And you know what? I feel free. I am not cowering in fear waiting for

her to reply. I'm not planning on sending another email. I went to the

financial aid office today (I'm in grad school) and asked them if I

could file as independent, and they said basically yes. Financial aid

was the last thing left that I needed her for. Not actually helping me

with money, 'cause actually it's been the other way around, but the

school required her info. NOT ANYMORE!!

Oh my god. I can breathe. It's going to be a long road to recovery,

but I can breathe, and it feels so great.

Melany

[Guest guest]

welcome !!! your experiences are very familiar...

Jackie

Hi Everyone,

I am so glad to find this message board. Within the last two weeks my

life has been turned upside down. Or right side up, you could say. I

have finally come to the realization that my mom has BPD, and how very

many ways this has affected my life and who I am.

[Guest guest]

Melany,

Congratulations. You're on the way. Also, you're

RIGHT. You're not alone. Keep reading. Keep

posting. Keep coming back.

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- junkinthere wrote:

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am so glad to find this message board. Within the

> last two weeks my

> life has been turned upside down. Or right side up,

> you could say. I

> have finally come to the realization that my mom has

> BPD, and how very

> many ways this has affected my life and who I am.

>

> Right now I'm trying to think of examples of how

> messed up my

> relationship is with her, but there are too many to

> convey. Let's just

> say that from the day I was born she expected me to

> love her

> unconditionally, and not the other way around, and

> was distrustful of

> her newborn baby becase she *knew* that the adoring

> way I looked at

> her while breastfeeding was not because I loved her,

> but because she

> was my food supply. Duh, of course she was my food

> supply! Do you

> think a baby can manipulate? Apparently she did.

> Anyway, I can go on

> and on, but basically I was so verbally and

> emotionally abused growing

> up that I have become an insecure nervous wreck. And

> then she

> criticises me for being insecure.

>

> The one time I when to psychotherapy in college and

> they told me she

> was not good for me, I made the mistake of telling

> her. She beat me

> down (emotionally) real good after that to the point

> where I couldn't

> even question anything and felt the need to defend

> her every action to

> everyone, fiercely. She occasionally reinforces the

> beat down by

> telling me how hurt she was when those awful

> psychologist made me hate

> her.

>

> Through a series of not-connected events recently, I

> figured out that

> she has BPD. I decided recently to stand up for

> myself in a small,

> small way. She was mad at me for, well basically for

> not being able to

> read her mind. I stated the facts of the situation

> which luckily

> occured over email so I was able to actually look at

> her words rather

> than attempt to use my highly insecure ability to

> recall what

> happened. She blew up and hasn't spoken to me since.

> I apologized (I'm

> not all the way there yet folks), but apparently it

> wasn't the " abject

> apology " that she demanded.

>

> And you know what? I feel free. I am not cowering in

> fear waiting for

> her to reply. I'm not planning on sending another

> email. I went to the

> financial aid office today (I'm in grad school) and

> asked them if I

> could file as independent, and they said basically

> yes. Financial aid

> was the last thing left that I needed her for. Not

> actually helping me

> with money, 'cause actually it's been the other way

> around, but the

> school required her info. NOT ANYMORE!!

>

> Oh my god. I can breathe. It's going to be a long

> road to recovery,

> but I can breathe, and it feels so great.

>

>

> Melany

>

>

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

Don't get soaked. Take a quick peek at the forecast

with the Yahoo! Search weather shortcut.

http://tools.search.yahoo.com/shortcuts/#loc_weather

[Guest guest]

Yes, welcome. May you find peace and hope here.

Your journey has taken a wonderful turn in finding this place.

Malinda

>

> welcome !!! your experiences are very familiar...

>

> Jackie

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am so glad to find this message board. Within the last two weeks my

> life has been turned upside down. Or right side up, you could say. I

> have finally come to the realization that my mom has BPD, and how

very

> many ways this has affected my life and who I am.

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, welcome. May you find peace and hope here.

Your journey has taken a wonderful turn in finding this place.

Malinda

>

> welcome !!! your experiences are very familiar...

>

> Jackie

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am so glad to find this message board. Within the last two weeks my

> life has been turned upside down. Or right side up, you could say. I

> have finally come to the realization that my mom has BPD, and how

very

> many ways this has affected my life and who I am.

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome! And don't discount the " small ways " of standing up for

yourself. They start to add up, and you'll find yourself getting

stronger.

Good for you for fighting your way out! Yes, the air is better when

you're free!

Congrats -- keep going forward into your life.

-Kyla

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am so glad to find this message board. Within the last two weeks

my

> life has been turned upside down. Or right side up, you could say.

I

> have finally come to the realization that my mom has BPD, and how

very

> many ways this has affected my life and who I am.

>

> Right now I'm trying to think of examples of how messed up my

> relationship is with her, but there are too many to convey. Let's

just

> say that from the day I was born she expected me to love her

> unconditionally, and not the other way around, and was distrustful

of

> her newborn baby becase she *knew* that the adoring way I looked at

> her while breastfeeding was not because I loved her, but because

she

> was my food supply. Duh, of course she was my food supply! Do you

> think a baby can manipulate? Apparently she did. Anyway, I can go

on

> and on, but basically I was so verbally and emotionally abused

growing

> up that I have become an insecure nervous wreck. And then she

> criticises me for being insecure.

>

> The one time I when to psychotherapy in college and they told me

she

> was not good for me, I made the mistake of telling her. She beat

me

> down (emotionally) real good after that to the point where I

couldn't

> even question anything and felt the need to defend her every

action to

> everyone, fiercely. She occasionally reinforces the beat down by

> telling me how hurt she was when those awful psychologist made me

hate

> her.

>

> Through a series of not-connected events recently, I figured out

that

> she has BPD. I decided recently to stand up for myself in a small,

> small way. She was mad at me for, well basically for not being

able to

> read her mind. I stated the facts of the situation which luckily

> occured over email so I was able to actually look at her words

rather

> than attempt to use my highly insecure ability to recall what

> happened. She blew up and hasn't spoken to me since. I apologized

(I'm

> not all the way there yet folks), but apparently it wasn't

the " abject

> apology " that she demanded.

>

> And you know what? I feel free. I am not cowering in fear waiting

for

> her to reply. I'm not planning on sending another email. I went to

the

> financial aid office today (I'm in grad school) and asked them if I

> could file as independent, and they said basically yes. Financial

aid

> was the last thing left that I needed her for. Not actually

helping me

> with money, 'cause actually it's been the other way around, but the

> school required her info. NOT ANYMORE!!

>

> Oh my god. I can breathe. It's going to be a long road to recovery,

> but I can breathe, and it feels so great.

>

>

> Melany

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome! And don't discount the " small ways " of standing up for

yourself. They start to add up, and you'll find yourself getting

stronger.

Good for you for fighting your way out! Yes, the air is better when

you're free!

Congrats -- keep going forward into your life.

-Kyla

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am so glad to find this message board. Within the last two weeks

my

> life has been turned upside down. Or right side up, you could say.

I

> have finally come to the realization that my mom has BPD, and how

very

> many ways this has affected my life and who I am.

>

> Right now I'm trying to think of examples of how messed up my

> relationship is with her, but there are too many to convey. Let's

just

> say that from the day I was born she expected me to love her

> unconditionally, and not the other way around, and was distrustful

of

> her newborn baby becase she *knew* that the adoring way I looked at

> her while breastfeeding was not because I loved her, but because

she

> was my food supply. Duh, of course she was my food supply! Do you

> think a baby can manipulate? Apparently she did. Anyway, I can go

on

> and on, but basically I was so verbally and emotionally abused

growing

> up that I have become an insecure nervous wreck. And then she

> criticises me for being insecure.

>

> The one time I when to psychotherapy in college and they told me

she

> was not good for me, I made the mistake of telling her. She beat

me

> down (emotionally) real good after that to the point where I

couldn't

> even question anything and felt the need to defend her every

action to

> everyone, fiercely. She occasionally reinforces the beat down by

> telling me how hurt she was when those awful psychologist made me

hate

> her.

>

> Through a series of not-connected events recently, I figured out

that

> she has BPD. I decided recently to stand up for myself in a small,

> small way. She was mad at me for, well basically for not being

able to

> read her mind. I stated the facts of the situation which luckily

> occured over email so I was able to actually look at her words

rather

> than attempt to use my highly insecure ability to recall what

> happened. She blew up and hasn't spoken to me since. I apologized

(I'm

> not all the way there yet folks), but apparently it wasn't

the " abject

> apology " that she demanded.

>

> And you know what? I feel free. I am not cowering in fear waiting

for

> her to reply. I'm not planning on sending another email. I went to

the

> financial aid office today (I'm in grad school) and asked them if I

> could file as independent, and they said basically yes. Financial

aid

> was the last thing left that I needed her for. Not actually

helping me

> with money, 'cause actually it's been the other way around, but the

> school required her info. NOT ANYMORE!!

>

> Oh my god. I can breathe. It's going to be a long road to recovery,

> but I can breathe, and it feels so great.

>

>

> Melany

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome! And don't discount the " small ways " of standing up for

yourself. They start to add up, and you'll find yourself getting

stronger.

Good for you for fighting your way out! Yes, the air is better when

you're free!

Congrats -- keep going forward into your life.

-Kyla

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am so glad to find this message board. Within the last two weeks

my

> life has been turned upside down. Or right side up, you could say.

I

> have finally come to the realization that my mom has BPD, and how

very

> many ways this has affected my life and who I am.

>

> Right now I'm trying to think of examples of how messed up my

> relationship is with her, but there are too many to convey. Let's

just

> say that from the day I was born she expected me to love her

> unconditionally, and not the other way around, and was distrustful

of

> her newborn baby becase she *knew* that the adoring way I looked at

> her while breastfeeding was not because I loved her, but because

she

> was my food supply. Duh, of course she was my food supply! Do you

> think a baby can manipulate? Apparently she did. Anyway, I can go

on

> and on, but basically I was so verbally and emotionally abused

growing

> up that I have become an insecure nervous wreck. And then she

> criticises me for being insecure.

>

> The one time I when to psychotherapy in college and they told me

she

> was not good for me, I made the mistake of telling her. She beat

me

> down (emotionally) real good after that to the point where I

couldn't

> even question anything and felt the need to defend her every

action to

> everyone, fiercely. She occasionally reinforces the beat down by

> telling me how hurt she was when those awful psychologist made me

hate

> her.

>

> Through a series of not-connected events recently, I figured out

that

> she has BPD. I decided recently to stand up for myself in a small,

> small way. She was mad at me for, well basically for not being

able to

> read her mind. I stated the facts of the situation which luckily

> occured over email so I was able to actually look at her words

rather

> than attempt to use my highly insecure ability to recall what

> happened. She blew up and hasn't spoken to me since. I apologized

(I'm

> not all the way there yet folks), but apparently it wasn't

the " abject

> apology " that she demanded.

>

> And you know what? I feel free. I am not cowering in fear waiting

for

> her to reply. I'm not planning on sending another email. I went to

the

> financial aid office today (I'm in grad school) and asked them if I

> could file as independent, and they said basically yes. Financial

aid

> was the last thing left that I needed her for. Not actually

helping me

> with money, 'cause actually it's been the other way around, but the

> school required her info. NOT ANYMORE!!

>

> Oh my god. I can breathe. It's going to be a long road to recovery,

> but I can breathe, and it feels so great.

>

>

> Melany

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome! And don't discount the " small ways " of standing up for

yourself. They start to add up, and you'll find yourself getting

stronger.

Good for you for fighting your way out! Yes, the air is better when

you're free!

Congrats -- keep going forward into your life.

-Kyla

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am so glad to find this message board. Within the last two weeks

my

> life has been turned upside down. Or right side up, you could say.

I

> have finally come to the realization that my mom has BPD, and how

very

> many ways this has affected my life and who I am.

>

> Right now I'm trying to think of examples of how messed up my

> relationship is with her, but there are too many to convey. Let's

just

> say that from the day I was born she expected me to love her

> unconditionally, and not the other way around, and was distrustful

of

> her newborn baby becase she *knew* that the adoring way I looked at

> her while breastfeeding was not because I loved her, but because

she

> was my food supply. Duh, of course she was my food supply! Do you

> think a baby can manipulate? Apparently she did. Anyway, I can go

on

> and on, but basically I was so verbally and emotionally abused

growing

> up that I have become an insecure nervous wreck. And then she

> criticises me for being insecure.

>

> The one time I when to psychotherapy in college and they told me

she

> was not good for me, I made the mistake of telling her. She beat

me

> down (emotionally) real good after that to the point where I

couldn't

> even question anything and felt the need to defend her every

action to

> everyone, fiercely. She occasionally reinforces the beat down by

> telling me how hurt she was when those awful psychologist made me

hate

> her.

>

> Through a series of not-connected events recently, I figured out

that

> she has BPD. I decided recently to stand up for myself in a small,

> small way. She was mad at me for, well basically for not being

able to

> read her mind. I stated the facts of the situation which luckily

> occured over email so I was able to actually look at her words

rather

> than attempt to use my highly insecure ability to recall what

> happened. She blew up and hasn't spoken to me since. I apologized

(I'm

> not all the way there yet folks), but apparently it wasn't

the " abject

> apology " that she demanded.

>

> And you know what? I feel free. I am not cowering in fear waiting

for

> her to reply. I'm not planning on sending another email. I went to

the

> financial aid office today (I'm in grad school) and asked them if I

> could file as independent, and they said basically yes. Financial

aid

> was the last thing left that I needed her for. Not actually

helping me

> with money, 'cause actually it's been the other way around, but the

> school required her info. NOT ANYMORE!!

>

> Oh my god. I can breathe. It's going to be a long road to recovery,

> but I can breathe, and it feels so great.

>

>

> Melany

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome! And don't discount the " small ways " of standing up for

yourself. They start to add up, and you'll find yourself getting

stronger.

Good for you for fighting your way out! Yes, the air is better when

you're free!

Congrats -- keep going forward into your life.

-Kyla

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am so glad to find this message board. Within the last two weeks

my

> life has been turned upside down. Or right side up, you could say.

I

> have finally come to the realization that my mom has BPD, and how

very

> many ways this has affected my life and who I am.

>

> Right now I'm trying to think of examples of how messed up my

> relationship is with her, but there are too many to convey. Let's

just

> say that from the day I was born she expected me to love her

> unconditionally, and not the other way around, and was distrustful

of

> her newborn baby becase she *knew* that the adoring way I looked at

> her while breastfeeding was not because I loved her, but because

she

> was my food supply. Duh, of course she was my food supply! Do you

> think a baby can manipulate? Apparently she did. Anyway, I can go

on

> and on, but basically I was so verbally and emotionally abused

growing

> up that I have become an insecure nervous wreck. And then she

> criticises me for being insecure.

>

> The one time I when to psychotherapy in college and they told me

she

> was not good for me, I made the mistake of telling her. She beat

me

> down (emotionally) real good after that to the point where I

couldn't

> even question anything and felt the need to defend her every

action to

> everyone, fiercely. She occasionally reinforces the beat down by

> telling me how hurt she was when those awful psychologist made me

hate

> her.

>

> Through a series of not-connected events recently, I figured out

that

> she has BPD. I decided recently to stand up for myself in a small,

> small way. She was mad at me for, well basically for not being

able to

> read her mind. I stated the facts of the situation which luckily

> occured over email so I was able to actually look at her words

rather

> than attempt to use my highly insecure ability to recall what

> happened. She blew up and hasn't spoken to me since. I apologized

(I'm

> not all the way there yet folks), but apparently it wasn't

the " abject

> apology " that she demanded.

>

> And you know what? I feel free. I am not cowering in fear waiting

for

> her to reply. I'm not planning on sending another email. I went to

the

> financial aid office today (I'm in grad school) and asked them if I

> could file as independent, and they said basically yes. Financial

aid

> was the last thing left that I needed her for. Not actually

helping me

> with money, 'cause actually it's been the other way around, but the

> school required her info. NOT ANYMORE!!

>

> Oh my god. I can breathe. It's going to be a long road to recovery,

> but I can breathe, and it feels so great.

>

>

> Melany

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome! And don't discount the " small ways " of standing up for

yourself. They start to add up, and you'll find yourself getting

stronger.

Good for you for fighting your way out! Yes, the air is better when

you're free!

Congrats -- keep going forward into your life.

-Kyla

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am so glad to find this message board. Within the last two weeks

my

> life has been turned upside down. Or right side up, you could say.

I

> have finally come to the realization that my mom has BPD, and how

very

> many ways this has affected my life and who I am.

>

> Right now I'm trying to think of examples of how messed up my

> relationship is with her, but there are too many to convey. Let's

just

> say that from the day I was born she expected me to love her

> unconditionally, and not the other way around, and was distrustful

of

> her newborn baby becase she *knew* that the adoring way I looked at

> her while breastfeeding was not because I loved her, but because

she

> was my food supply. Duh, of course she was my food supply! Do you

> think a baby can manipulate? Apparently she did. Anyway, I can go

on

> and on, but basically I was so verbally and emotionally abused

growing

> up that I have become an insecure nervous wreck. And then she

> criticises me for being insecure.

>

> The one time I when to psychotherapy in college and they told me

she

> was not good for me, I made the mistake of telling her. She beat

me

> down (emotionally) real good after that to the point where I

couldn't

> even question anything and felt the need to defend her every

action to

> everyone, fiercely. She occasionally reinforces the beat down by

> telling me how hurt she was when those awful psychologist made me

hate

> her.

>

> Through a series of not-connected events recently, I figured out

that

> she has BPD. I decided recently to stand up for myself in a small,

> small way. She was mad at me for, well basically for not being

able to

> read her mind. I stated the facts of the situation which luckily

> occured over email so I was able to actually look at her words

rather

> than attempt to use my highly insecure ability to recall what

> happened. She blew up and hasn't spoken to me since. I apologized

(I'm

> not all the way there yet folks), but apparently it wasn't

the " abject

> apology " that she demanded.

>

> And you know what? I feel free. I am not cowering in fear waiting

for

> her to reply. I'm not planning on sending another email. I went to

the

> financial aid office today (I'm in grad school) and asked them if I

> could file as independent, and they said basically yes. Financial

aid

> was the last thing left that I needed her for. Not actually

helping me

> with money, 'cause actually it's been the other way around, but the

> school required her info. NOT ANYMORE!!

>

> Oh my god. I can breathe. It's going to be a long road to recovery,

> but I can breathe, and it feels so great.

>

>

> Melany

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome! And don't discount the " small ways " of standing up for

yourself. They start to add up, and you'll find yourself getting

stronger.

Good for you for fighting your way out! Yes, the air is better when

you're free!

Congrats -- keep going forward into your life.

-Kyla

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am so glad to find this message board. Within the last two weeks

my

> life has been turned upside down. Or right side up, you could say.

I

> have finally come to the realization that my mom has BPD, and how

very

> many ways this has affected my life and who I am.

>

> Right now I'm trying to think of examples of how messed up my

> relationship is with her, but there are too many to convey. Let's

just

> say that from the day I was born she expected me to love her

> unconditionally, and not the other way around, and was distrustful

of

> her newborn baby becase she *knew* that the adoring way I looked at

> her while breastfeeding was not because I loved her, but because

she

> was my food supply. Duh, of course she was my food supply! Do you

> think a baby can manipulate? Apparently she did. Anyway, I can go

on

> and on, but basically I was so verbally and emotionally abused

growing

> up that I have become an insecure nervous wreck. And then she

> criticises me for being insecure.

>

> The one time I when to psychotherapy in college and they told me

she

> was not good for me, I made the mistake of telling her. She beat

me

> down (emotionally) real good after that to the point where I

couldn't

> even question anything and felt the need to defend her every

action to

> everyone, fiercely. She occasionally reinforces the beat down by

> telling me how hurt she was when those awful psychologist made me

hate

> her.

>

> Through a series of not-connected events recently, I figured out

that

> she has BPD. I decided recently to stand up for myself in a small,

> small way. She was mad at me for, well basically for not being

able to

> read her mind. I stated the facts of the situation which luckily

> occured over email so I was able to actually look at her words

rather

> than attempt to use my highly insecure ability to recall what

> happened. She blew up and hasn't spoken to me since. I apologized

(I'm

> not all the way there yet folks), but apparently it wasn't

the " abject

> apology " that she demanded.

>

> And you know what? I feel free. I am not cowering in fear waiting

for

> her to reply. I'm not planning on sending another email. I went to

the

> financial aid office today (I'm in grad school) and asked them if I

> could file as independent, and they said basically yes. Financial

aid

> was the last thing left that I needed her for. Not actually

helping me

> with money, 'cause actually it's been the other way around, but the

> school required her info. NOT ANYMORE!!

>

> Oh my god. I can breathe. It's going to be a long road to recovery,

> but I can breathe, and it feels so great.

>

>

> Melany

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome! And don't discount the " small ways " of standing up for

yourself. They start to add up, and you'll find yourself getting

stronger.

Good for you for fighting your way out! Yes, the air is better when

you're free!

Congrats -- keep going forward into your life.

-Kyla

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am so glad to find this message board. Within the last two weeks

my

> life has been turned upside down. Or right side up, you could say.

I

> have finally come to the realization that my mom has BPD, and how

very

> many ways this has affected my life and who I am.

>

> Right now I'm trying to think of examples of how messed up my

> relationship is with her, but there are too many to convey. Let's

just

> say that from the day I was born she expected me to love her

> unconditionally, and not the other way around, and was distrustful

of

> her newborn baby becase she *knew* that the adoring way I looked at

> her while breastfeeding was not because I loved her, but because

she

> was my food supply. Duh, of course she was my food supply! Do you

> think a baby can manipulate? Apparently she did. Anyway, I can go

on

> and on, but basically I was so verbally and emotionally abused

growing

> up that I have become an insecure nervous wreck. And then she

> criticises me for being insecure.

>

> The one time I when to psychotherapy in college and they told me

she

> was not good for me, I made the mistake of telling her. She beat

me

> down (emotionally) real good after that to the point where I

couldn't

> even question anything and felt the need to defend her every

action to

> everyone, fiercely. She occasionally reinforces the beat down by

> telling me how hurt she was when those awful psychologist made me

hate

> her.

>

> Through a series of not-connected events recently, I figured out

that

> she has BPD. I decided recently to stand up for myself in a small,

> small way. She was mad at me for, well basically for not being

able to

> read her mind. I stated the facts of the situation which luckily

> occured over email so I was able to actually look at her words

rather

> than attempt to use my highly insecure ability to recall what

> happened. She blew up and hasn't spoken to me since. I apologized

(I'm

> not all the way there yet folks), but apparently it wasn't

the " abject

> apology " that she demanded.

>

> And you know what? I feel free. I am not cowering in fear waiting

for

> her to reply. I'm not planning on sending another email. I went to

the

> financial aid office today (I'm in grad school) and asked them if I

> could file as independent, and they said basically yes. Financial

aid

> was the last thing left that I needed her for. Not actually

helping me

> with money, 'cause actually it's been the other way around, but the

> school required her info. NOT ANYMORE!!

>

> Oh my god. I can breathe. It's going to be a long road to recovery,

> but I can breathe, and it feels so great.

>

>

> Melany

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome! And don't discount the " small ways " of standing up for

yourself. They start to add up, and you'll find yourself getting

stronger.

Good for you for fighting your way out! Yes, the air is better when

you're free!

Congrats -- keep going forward into your life.

-Kyla

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am so glad to find this message board. Within the last two weeks

my

> life has been turned upside down. Or right side up, you could say.

I

> have finally come to the realization that my mom has BPD, and how

very

> many ways this has affected my life and who I am.

>

> Right now I'm trying to think of examples of how messed up my

> relationship is with her, but there are too many to convey. Let's

just

> say that from the day I was born she expected me to love her

> unconditionally, and not the other way around, and was distrustful

of

> her newborn baby becase she *knew* that the adoring way I looked at

> her while breastfeeding was not because I loved her, but because

she

> was my food supply. Duh, of course she was my food supply! Do you

> think a baby can manipulate? Apparently she did. Anyway, I can go

on

> and on, but basically I was so verbally and emotionally abused

growing

> up that I have become an insecure nervous wreck. And then she

> criticises me for being insecure.

>

> The one time I when to psychotherapy in college and they told me

she

> was not good for me, I made the mistake of telling her. She beat

me

> down (emotionally) real good after that to the point where I

couldn't

> even question anything and felt the need to defend her every

action to

> everyone, fiercely. She occasionally reinforces the beat down by

> telling me how hurt she was when those awful psychologist made me

hate

> her.

>

> Through a series of not-connected events recently, I figured out

that

> she has BPD. I decided recently to stand up for myself in a small,

> small way. She was mad at me for, well basically for not being

able to

> read her mind. I stated the facts of the situation which luckily

> occured over email so I was able to actually look at her words

rather

> than attempt to use my highly insecure ability to recall what

> happened. She blew up and hasn't spoken to me since. I apologized

(I'm

> not all the way there yet folks), but apparently it wasn't

the " abject

> apology " that she demanded.

>

> And you know what? I feel free. I am not cowering in fear waiting

for

> her to reply. I'm not planning on sending another email. I went to

the

> financial aid office today (I'm in grad school) and asked them if I

> could file as independent, and they said basically yes. Financial

aid

> was the last thing left that I needed her for. Not actually

helping me

> with money, 'cause actually it's been the other way around, but the

> school required her info. NOT ANYMORE!!

>

> Oh my god. I can breathe. It's going to be a long road to recovery,

> but I can breathe, and it feels so great.

>

>

> Melany

>