lightbulb moment

[Guest guest]

Last night while pondering life, I had a lightbulb moment that I wanted to

share.

My nada will do anything not to be in a situation where she doesn't have a

potential scapegoat if something goes wrong. If something goes wrong, she

has to have someone else to blame.

Two things have come from this:

First, she sets up situations in ways she can avoid responsibility. My

parents have never moved because of all the unknowns involved and there

would be no one to blame if the location change didn't work out. I remember

he running a meeting where she had an idea that she wanted to get across and

have it voted on. She orchestrated the meeting so even though ideas were

brainstormed, only hers made the list and were considered. She was thrilled

how everyone agreed with her when actually, she coordinated the meeting so

that they had to. It is hard to explain unless you see it in action.

Second, she criticizes anyone who takes risks or puts themselves in

situation where they have no scape goat. If someone who has a steady job

and house moves to take a new job, then they are acting foolish in her book

because if the job " fails " , there is no one to blame.

I have made several decisions in my adult life that she reacted very

strongly to and at the time, I didn't' understand why. Now I see they fall

into the " unsafe " category in her mind. In reality, I made those decisions

realizing and accepting full responsibility for the outcome. I couldn't sue

anyone if something went wrong. I couldn't see how the future would exactly

play out.

One of the decisions was to have two of my babies born at home. I had two

babies in the hospital and felt dissatisfied with the care and process of

the births. I researched homebirth for a very long time - reading tons of

material about the positives and negatives of homebirth. I read about the

things that are wonderful and the things that go wrong. In the end, I

weighed the benefits and risks and made the decision to have my babies at

home with a midwife. Homebirth midwives generally don't carry malpractice

insurance. Parents sign a document stating that they realize the potential

risks and take responsibility. I researched and interviewed many midwives

before I found one that I felt completely at ease with. I trusted that she

would monitor my birth and advise me to go to the hospital if it became

necessary.

The decision to have my babies at home infuriated my nada. Now I understand

that she couldn't ever imagine being in a position where she took full

responsibility if something tragic were to happen. She projected that on to

me and told people I had gone crazy because I made a decision for myself

that she couldn't' understand.

I went to sleep last night basking in my new realization that her strong

reactions to my decisions were because of her - not because I made foolish

decisions. What freedom! I am capable of making decisions!

I also felt for the first time hurt over having my well researched decision

completely disrespected. She berated my midwife, yet never listened to why

I chose her or to any of the research I had done. All my work meant nothing

to her. That hurt. She didn't try to understand - It wasn't my fault for

not convincing her. I had felt like if I said one magic thing, then she

would understand, but I could ever find that one thing. That was not my

fault. I could have explained everything " perfectly " and she still would

nto have understood.

Thanks for listening - I love this group!