Needed my mother-Don't know who my mother really is.

[Guest guest]

Yes. It's like you can never have a normal relationship with your

mother. But, we keep trying. Because, we needed our mothers

love, and approval and guidance...mothering that they were not

capable of giving. I feel like deep down my mother loves me and it

would devestate her to know how I percieve her. She wanted to be a

good mother. Lately, I've had an eye opener with my mom. As I've

begun to explain to her that she came from a very abusive family

herself and she has come to accept this part of her life. Though,

I've tried not to say anything negative about her to her face. As

not to put her on the defensive or hurt her. She started to talk to

me about her experience as a child, and not ever being able to

achieve at things she wanted. Because, her life was so chaotic.

She had an abusive, alcoholic father. Who would come home every

night trying to beat up or kill their mother. I thought much of her

problems were from him. But, now she has been talking to me about

her mother locking her in the closet. And something strange

happened to her as she was raging one day. Several times at her

most cruel moment to me. She paused and said, " Well, I'll have to

tell you like my mother told me. " Then, she'd continue to rage. I

said to her, " Well, I'm getting to know your mother vicariously. "

She looked surprised. I began to tell her. " your mother sounds

very rude and abusive. That's emotional abuse. That's not the kind

of mother you want to be. "

But, I've been thinking about Borderline dysfunction having that

part where they lose track of their own identity. Sort of forget

who they are. I wonder if she just puts on this mother role at

times and isn't sure what her role should look like.

I have also seen her act the part of a frightened five year old

child. I'm not sure that I really know who my mother is. Because,

she doesn't know who she is.

One day she was interested in a book I had purchased about

Borderlines. It was supposed to be an introduction to someone who

has the " disease. " To introduce them to their diagnosis gently and

offer support. I told her that I'd bought it for my husband ( who

is also Borderline-I'm one who married my mother). She wanted me to

read the whole thing to her and has been very fascinated to

learn...I think because we are focusing on someone else and not on

her, per se.

Though, I don't expect to be her counselor (this is not my job and

cannot be) or that she will ever be cured-I doubt. But, I have

seen some insight enter her eyes. That was interesting. And a

growing experience to me.