Re: As a KO what are you still afraid of?

[Guest guest]

It sounds like you are on the right track, but I believe true healing

can take a really long time!!! Remember, you can't control what they say

about you (or whether the people who hear it believe them). That is what

helps me to go on. 'Getting tired of it' is another good sign that you

are taking care of you now. You deserve happiness and peace.

baast2play wrote:

> I'm 35. I'm NC with BPD mom and NPD dad and BPD younger sis. I'm

> still afraid that they think terrible things about me and that I can't

> help or please them. I'm tired of the hold they still have over me,

> although I haven't contacted them since October of last year.

>

>

[Guest guest]

>I'm 35. I'm NC with BPD mom and NPD dad and BPD younger sis. I'm

still afraid that they think terrible things about me and that I can't

>help or please them. I'm tired of the hold they still have over me,

although I haven't contacted them since October of last year.

you cannot control what others think of you...and you cannot ever please

them..so it's useless in trying. Just live your life as good as you

can...they will never be happy with you no matter what. October really

wasn't that long ago...you will not get over their hold easily nor soon, so

don't expect to be healed so quickly :-) Just know that we are hear for

you, and a therapist can do wonders !! Sometimes I'm still afraid of my

mother...it's been drilled into me for so long..andshe was working on me

when I was very young and impressionable...

Jackie

[Guest guest]

What they think of you is their business to manage -- not yours.

Somewhere along the way, like many of us, you got the message that

it's your job to be command central of everyone's emotions. All

that does is get you so entangled and enmeshed, that you suffer all

of their anxieties and destroy yourself.

It's time to detach and let people live their own lives -- have

their own thoughts. They can sit around every night and talk about

how you throw innocent puppies into the river and have horns in your

head and have an alien spaceship buried in your backyard.

SO WHAT? Detach -- untangle yourself and live your own life based

on your own thoughts, feelings and personal truths. It's the only

way you'll build a life for yourself. Take care of your own

anxieties, problems and fears. Give theirs back to them where they

belong.

With practice, detachment gets easier. When you start to feel the

feelings creep up, tell yourself " Is that my problem? No, it's not -

- I'm letting it go. " After awhile, it becomes automatic -- and

your blood pressure will thank you.

{hugs}

Kyla

>

> I'm 35. I'm NC with BPD mom and NPD dad and BPD younger sis. I'm

> still afraid that they think terrible things about me and that I

can't

> help or please them. I'm tired of the hold they still have over

me,

> although I haven't contacted them since October of last year.

>

[Guest guest]

I agree with the others that have said to continue moving forward

living your life for yourself. I still struggle with the same

issues of guilt and fear of what nada will think or say, even though

I've been in limited contact with her for almost 7 years. And

sometimes I can feel a naggy little voice in the back of my head

sometimes that says " you should tell nada about this, it would

really please her " . But I know deep down that there's nothing I can

do to please her. In fact, it's not my JOB to please her! That's

the warped thing. I'm her daughter, not her royal subject.

Another thing I'm afraid of, and something that may never go away,

is that something will happen to her (death, disability, etc.), and

I will feel tremendous guilt for being in such limited contact. I'm

also afraid for when/if I have children how I'll be able to navigate

that aspect of the relationship. I would want my children to at

least know who she is, and for her to meet them and see them, but I

would never leave them under her care, nor spend more than a little

bit of time with her. I don't want them to suffer the same mental

abuse that I went/go through. It's just one more thing that's made

it difficult for me to really know if I want kids or not. Seems

like such an easy decision for everyone else...

[Guest guest]

I still struggle with the idea that maybe I am exaggerating and she isn't really

as bad as I think. She called in December and it was the first time we had

spoken in 3.5 years. I almost immediately started yelling at her for not

respecting my boundaries (she had asked if she could call and I was thinking it

over, then she called without waiting for my response). Basically I yelled at

her for twenty minutes. I still feel bad because this is obviously not an

appropriate way to talk to someone, even her.

I wonder a lot if I will ever be able to reconcile with her. It's hard for me

to imagine not inviting her to my wedding (that is...if I ever have one...) or

my children having a grandmother, even if it is very restricted visitation. But

it's still hard to just think that she would be completely left out, even with

her past behavior.

is

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[Guest guest]

> I almost immediately started yelling at her for not respecting my

boundaries

I get like this, too. I am such a calm, rational, even-keeled person

in every part of my life, but when it comes to her, I have a short

fuse. Even though I didn't deserve the treatments she dished out, I

should still learn how to communicate more calmly, robotically with

her. She's a fight picker, and likes to say things that stir up

arguments and drama. She gets off on it, and it's really sick.

Sometimes it's hard to say " I'm sorry, we'll have to talk later " and

hang up. I'm so angry at her, and she gives these wide openings for me

to yell at her. But it's a sick trap. I'm GIVING her what she wants,

which is a fight. But it's so tempting to just go off on her because

there's so much to yell at her about!

[Guest guest]

> I almost immediately started yelling at her for not respecting my

boundaries

I get like this, too. I am such a calm, rational, even-keeled person

in every part of my life, but when it comes to her, I have a short

fuse. Even though I didn't deserve the treatments she dished out, I

should still learn how to communicate more calmly, robotically with

her. She's a fight picker, and likes to say things that stir up

arguments and drama. She gets off on it, and it's really sick.

Sometimes it's hard to say " I'm sorry, we'll have to talk later " and

hang up. I'm so angry at her, and she gives these wide openings for me

to yell at her. But it's a sick trap. I'm GIVING her what she wants,

which is a fight. But it's so tempting to just go off on her because

there's so much to yell at her about!

[Guest guest]

I was like that too with my mom. I would scream at her for not

respecting boundaries all the time. It was like I was always

reacting to her instead of interacting with her. I was never able to

learn not to react. I would get so frustrated and angry and not be

able to control my anger so I would scream out of frustration.

>

>

> > I almost immediately started yelling at her for not respecting

my

> boundaries

>

>

> I get like this, too. I am such a calm, rational, even-keeled

person

> in every part of my life, but when it comes to her, I have a short

> fuse. Even though I didn't deserve the treatments she dished out,

I

> should still learn how to communicate more calmly, robotically with

> her. She's a fight picker, and likes to say things that stir up

> arguments and drama. She gets off on it, and it's really sick.

> Sometimes it's hard to say " I'm sorry, we'll have to talk later "

and

> hang up. I'm so angry at her, and she gives these wide openings

for me

> to yell at her. But it's a sick trap. I'm GIVING her what she

wants,

> which is a fight. But it's so tempting to just go off on her

because

> there's so much to yell at her about!

>

[Guest guest]

I was like that too with my mom. I would scream at her for not

respecting boundaries all the time. It was like I was always

reacting to her instead of interacting with her. I was never able to

learn not to react. I would get so frustrated and angry and not be

able to control my anger so I would scream out of frustration.

>

>

> > I almost immediately started yelling at her for not respecting

my

> boundaries

>

>

> I get like this, too. I am such a calm, rational, even-keeled

person

> in every part of my life, but when it comes to her, I have a short

> fuse. Even though I didn't deserve the treatments she dished out,

I

> should still learn how to communicate more calmly, robotically with

> her. She's a fight picker, and likes to say things that stir up

> arguments and drama. She gets off on it, and it's really sick.

> Sometimes it's hard to say " I'm sorry, we'll have to talk later "

and

> hang up. I'm so angry at her, and she gives these wide openings

for me

> to yell at her. But it's a sick trap. I'm GIVING her what she

wants,

> which is a fight. But it's so tempting to just go off on her

because

> there's so much to yell at her about!

>

[Guest guest]

Kyla,

You are always right on and often make me laugh.

Thanks!

a

> >

> > I'm 35. I'm NC with BPD mom and NPD dad and BPD younger sis.

I'm

> > still afraid that they think terrible things about me and that I

> can't

> > help or please them. I'm tired of the hold they still have over

> me,

> > although I haven't contacted them since October of last year.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I remember one of the first times I hung up on my mom was in

college, close to my graduation. She was upset because my then

boyfriend wanted to come to see my graduation and she just wanted it

to be a family affair. How's that for not understand boundaries!

Anyway, she was just cycling up and losing it on the phone 600 miles

away and I got really calm and said, " Mom, I'm not going to talk

with you until you settled down. I'll call you back later. " Then I

hung up and walked away from the phone. It felt really good to do,

though of course I was plagued with guilt for hanging up on her AND

I got an earful when I called back a day later.

Sure did feel good though to set that boundary.

>

>

> > I almost immediately started yelling at her for not respecting

my

> boundaries

>

>

> I get like this, too. I am such a calm, rational, even-keeled

person

> in every part of my life, but when it comes to her, I have a short

> fuse. Even though I didn't deserve the treatments she dished out,

I

> should still learn how to communicate more calmly, robotically

with

> her. She's a fight picker, and likes to say things that stir up

> arguments and drama. She gets off on it, and it's really sick.

> Sometimes it's hard to say " I'm sorry, we'll have to talk later "

and

> hang up. I'm so angry at her, and she gives these wide openings

for me

> to yell at her. But it's a sick trap. I'm GIVING her what she

wants,

> which is a fight. But it's so tempting to just go off on her

because

> there's so much to yell at her about!

>

[Guest guest]

Yes....and it is a challenge.

The anger is a step in releasing the pain and hurt we have kept

bottle inside of us for so long.

Though I hate the anger, it was my anger and they were my feelings,

not nada's feelings or her telling me how I should feel.

This is just very hard, but we just keep chipping away at it.

Thanks for the posting.

Malinda

>

> >

> > > I almost immediately started yelling at her for not respecting

my

> > boundaries

> >

> > I get like this, too. I am such a calm, rational, even-keeled

person

> > in every part of my life, but when it comes to her, I have a short

> > fuse. Even though I didn't deserve the treatments she dished out,

I

> > should still learn how to communicate more calmly, robotically

with

> > her. She's a fight picker, and likes to say things that stir up

> > arguments and drama. She gets off on it, and it's really sick.

> > Sometimes it's hard to say " I'm sorry, we'll have to talk later "

and

> > hang up. I'm so angry at her, and she gives these wide openings

for me

> > to yell at her. But it's a sick trap. I'm GIVING her what she

wants,

> > which is a fight. But it's so tempting to just go off on her

because

> > there's so much to yell at her about!

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yes....and it is a challenge.

The anger is a step in releasing the pain and hurt we have kept

bottle inside of us for so long.

Though I hate the anger, it was my anger and they were my feelings,

not nada's feelings or her telling me how I should feel.

This is just very hard, but we just keep chipping away at it.

Thanks for the posting.

Malinda

>

> >

> > > I almost immediately started yelling at her for not respecting

my

> > boundaries

> >

> > I get like this, too. I am such a calm, rational, even-keeled

person

> > in every part of my life, but when it comes to her, I have a short

> > fuse. Even though I didn't deserve the treatments she dished out,

I

> > should still learn how to communicate more calmly, robotically

with

> > her. She's a fight picker, and likes to say things that stir up

> > arguments and drama. She gets off on it, and it's really sick.

> > Sometimes it's hard to say " I'm sorry, we'll have to talk later "

and

> > hang up. I'm so angry at her, and she gives these wide openings

for me

> > to yell at her. But it's a sick trap. I'm GIVING her what she

wants,

> > which is a fight. But it's so tempting to just go off on her

because

> > there's so much to yell at her about!

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Fears still surface for me. For me, it is more that panicing feeling

of " what should I do, oh, what should I do (so I don't get in

trouble/screamed at/berated/etc.). As you said, it has been drilled

inside of us for so long.

Sylvia

....... Sometimes I'm still afraid of my

> mother...it's been drilled into me for so long..andshe was working

on me

> when I was very young and impressionable...

>

> Jackie

>

[Guest guest]

Fears still surface for me. For me, it is more that panicing feeling

of " what should I do, oh, what should I do (so I don't get in

trouble/screamed at/berated/etc.). As you said, it has been drilled

inside of us for so long.

Sylvia

....... Sometimes I'm still afraid of my

> mother...it's been drilled into me for so long..andshe was working

on me

> when I was very young and impressionable...

>

> Jackie

>

[Guest guest]

Fears still surface for me. For me, it is more that panicing feeling

of " what should I do, oh, what should I do (so I don't get in

trouble/screamed at/berated/etc.). As you said, it has been drilled

inside of us for so long.

Sylvia

....... Sometimes I'm still afraid of my

> mother...it's been drilled into me for so long..andshe was working

on me

> when I was very young and impressionable...

>

> Jackie

>

[Guest guest]

Ditto for me, too. I keep hearing those old " bad girl " tapes as

this NC stretches on and on. It's a struggle sometimes to remind

myself of the reality. I keep going back to the fantasy family --

the one that I've " destroyed " with my " severing " the relationship

with FOO.

I did nothing of the sort -- I called their bluff. Quit being their

puppet. Quit reacting to their temper tantrums or silent treatment.

As a grown woman, I should feel no guilt for THAT. But it's amazing

how those old feelings persistently bubble up sometimes. It's like

a scar that tingles every once in awhile. Nothing you can do about

it.

-Kyla

> ...... Sometimes I'm still afraid of my

> > mother...it's been drilled into me for so long..andshe was

working

> on me

> > when I was very young and impressionable...

> >

> > Jackie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Ditto for me, too. I keep hearing those old " bad girl " tapes as

this NC stretches on and on. It's a struggle sometimes to remind

myself of the reality. I keep going back to the fantasy family --

the one that I've " destroyed " with my " severing " the relationship

with FOO.

I did nothing of the sort -- I called their bluff. Quit being their

puppet. Quit reacting to their temper tantrums or silent treatment.

As a grown woman, I should feel no guilt for THAT. But it's amazing

how those old feelings persistently bubble up sometimes. It's like

a scar that tingles every once in awhile. Nothing you can do about

it.

-Kyla

> ...... Sometimes I'm still afraid of my

> > mother...it's been drilled into me for so long..andshe was

working

> on me

> > when I was very young and impressionable...

> >

> > Jackie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Ditto for me, too. I keep hearing those old " bad girl " tapes as

this NC stretches on and on. It's a struggle sometimes to remind

myself of the reality. I keep going back to the fantasy family --

the one that I've " destroyed " with my " severing " the relationship

with FOO.

I did nothing of the sort -- I called their bluff. Quit being their

puppet. Quit reacting to their temper tantrums or silent treatment.

As a grown woman, I should feel no guilt for THAT. But it's amazing

how those old feelings persistently bubble up sometimes. It's like

a scar that tingles every once in awhile. Nothing you can do about

it.

-Kyla

> ...... Sometimes I'm still afraid of my

> > mother...it's been drilled into me for so long..andshe was

working

> on me

> > when I was very young and impressionable...

> >

> > Jackie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Omg....thank you this thread.

What I am afraid, somedays so little, other days EVERYthing.

Every time I let my guard down, she not to be vulger spits on the

boundaries I have made.

Today was the typical relationship I can have with nada.

Nada knew I had the day off work. So she called me this morning to

converse about herself and to do the questioning about my daughter

and me. I had a dentist appt. and she told me to call her, to see how

I did with the tooth repair.

My nada works in a restuarant, so she told me to call her anytime,

but I am uncomfortable with that. Most of the time she is busy, so I

will call doing what I hope is a down time. So I told her I will let

her know how I did.

I forgot to call her...( the mighty sin). So I thought I will leave a

message on her answering machine at home.

On the way home from her job today, she had nada call me, and that

would be I feel for further guilt. She could have called me. He I

could tell was in his panic voice, wanting to know why I didn't call

my mother about the tooth repair.

I explained I did call and left a message on the answering machine,

which my father is now explaining to nada who is in the background.

She then takes the phone to remind me first and foremost I didn't

call her, and after the scolding....I then explain again I left a

message. She had little to say about my tooth, just again why didn't

I call her?

It is NEVER about me, and this just another moment of my mother not

caring about my tooth, but how I responded to her request and why I

didn't do it the way she had requested and within her allowable

timeframe.

My god.......why it is ALWAYS so complex and entangled? It was really

nothing, and she always makes it into something....the drama!

I do hate it and yes at times I think I hate nada for her controling,

and manipulative ways.

Yes....I was afraid today, I had forgotten to call the way she had

requested.... so I am the bad daughter again, and again and again and

again. It is exhausting...

Many much gratitude and love to all who are listening,

Malinda

> ...... Sometimes I'm still afraid of my

> > mother...it's been drilled into me for so long..andshe was

working

> on me

> > when I was very young and impressionable...

> >

> > Jackie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Omg....thank you this thread.

What I am afraid, somedays so little, other days EVERYthing.

Every time I let my guard down, she not to be vulger spits on the

boundaries I have made.

Today was the typical relationship I can have with nada.

Nada knew I had the day off work. So she called me this morning to

converse about herself and to do the questioning about my daughter

and me. I had a dentist appt. and she told me to call her, to see how

I did with the tooth repair.

My nada works in a restuarant, so she told me to call her anytime,

but I am uncomfortable with that. Most of the time she is busy, so I

will call doing what I hope is a down time. So I told her I will let

her know how I did.

I forgot to call her...( the mighty sin). So I thought I will leave a

message on her answering machine at home.

On the way home from her job today, she had nada call me, and that

would be I feel for further guilt. She could have called me. He I

could tell was in his panic voice, wanting to know why I didn't call

my mother about the tooth repair.

I explained I did call and left a message on the answering machine,

which my father is now explaining to nada who is in the background.

She then takes the phone to remind me first and foremost I didn't

call her, and after the scolding....I then explain again I left a

message. She had little to say about my tooth, just again why didn't

I call her?

It is NEVER about me, and this just another moment of my mother not

caring about my tooth, but how I responded to her request and why I

didn't do it the way she had requested and within her allowable

timeframe.

My god.......why it is ALWAYS so complex and entangled? It was really

nothing, and she always makes it into something....the drama!

I do hate it and yes at times I think I hate nada for her controling,

and manipulative ways.

Yes....I was afraid today, I had forgotten to call the way she had

requested.... so I am the bad daughter again, and again and again and

again. It is exhausting...

Many much gratitude and love to all who are listening,

Malinda

> ...... Sometimes I'm still afraid of my

> > mother...it's been drilled into me for so long..andshe was

working

> on me

> > when I was very young and impressionable...

> >

> > Jackie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Omg....thank you this thread.

What I am afraid, somedays so little, other days EVERYthing.

Every time I let my guard down, she not to be vulger spits on the

boundaries I have made.

Today was the typical relationship I can have with nada.

Nada knew I had the day off work. So she called me this morning to

converse about herself and to do the questioning about my daughter

and me. I had a dentist appt. and she told me to call her, to see how

I did with the tooth repair.

My nada works in a restuarant, so she told me to call her anytime,

but I am uncomfortable with that. Most of the time she is busy, so I

will call doing what I hope is a down time. So I told her I will let

her know how I did.

I forgot to call her...( the mighty sin). So I thought I will leave a

message on her answering machine at home.

On the way home from her job today, she had nada call me, and that

would be I feel for further guilt. She could have called me. He I

could tell was in his panic voice, wanting to know why I didn't call

my mother about the tooth repair.

I explained I did call and left a message on the answering machine,

which my father is now explaining to nada who is in the background.

She then takes the phone to remind me first and foremost I didn't

call her, and after the scolding....I then explain again I left a

message. She had little to say about my tooth, just again why didn't

I call her?

It is NEVER about me, and this just another moment of my mother not

caring about my tooth, but how I responded to her request and why I

didn't do it the way she had requested and within her allowable

timeframe.

My god.......why it is ALWAYS so complex and entangled? It was really

nothing, and she always makes it into something....the drama!

I do hate it and yes at times I think I hate nada for her controling,

and manipulative ways.

Yes....I was afraid today, I had forgotten to call the way she had

requested.... so I am the bad daughter again, and again and again and

again. It is exhausting...

Many much gratitude and love to all who are listening,

Malinda

> ...... Sometimes I'm still afraid of my

> > mother...it's been drilled into me for so long..andshe was

working

> on me

> > when I was very young and impressionable...

> >

> > Jackie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

This sounds like yet another example of how BPDs like to engineer

themselves into our thoughts -- like they have to MAKE us think

about them, otherwise we'd go on with our lives and leave them

behind.

So, they set up these things where we have to call them.

Otherwise, she would just tell herself, " Well, she probably forgot,

so I'm calling to check on her tooth repair. " But, that would be

what a NORMAL person would do. A person who isn't so full of

themselves that they think THEY have to be the top thing on our mind.

If it were me, I'd assume that you had had a busy day! Were

possibly in pain! Maybe you could use a hand!

She constructed it so that it was about how she's a victim.

Sheesh.

How is your tooth, by the way?!!!

-Kyla

> > ...... Sometimes I'm still afraid of my

> > > mother...it's been drilled into me for so long..andshe was

> working

> > on me

> > > when I was very young and impressionable...

> > >

> > > Jackie

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Kyla,

Thank you. Everything you said was so right. Great insight! She

constructs everything about her, and she is ALWAYS the victim. God I

get so tired of it all.

My tooth is fine (thanks for asking). I wish I could fix this like

the dentist did my tooth. I can though keep fixing me. We can all do

that!

Malinda

> > > ...... Sometimes I'm still afraid of my

> > > > mother...it's been drilled into me for so long..andshe was

> > working

> > > on me

> > > > when I was very young and impressionable...

> > > >

> > > > Jackie

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you, and you are right it is one day and one encounter at a

time. You are right it is not about me being bad. Something I have

to actually remind myself of. I am a good person, we all are. Look at

the kind and supportive words we share with each other.

Malinda

> > ...... Sometimes I'm still afraid of my

> > > mother...it's been drilled into me for so long..andshe was

> working

> > on me

> > > when I was very young and impressionable...

> > >

> > > Jackie

> > >

> >

>