Re: Did you know you nada was different when you were a kid?

[Guest guest]

thank you jackie. i do have a therapist and he is absolutely

wonderful. he's the one that shed light on BPD for me- i had no idea

she had it before then. (i just assumed she was a little crazy and

abusive).

anyway, i guess i might have worded it wrong. i know i'm strong and i

know that i'm not helpless in her presence. it's just that she manages

to kick up a lot of old emotional garbage for me that i don't care to

have anymore. she will also attack at every vulnerable part of me, and

we all have them - i just don't want her to push those buttons. she

has no right.

honestly, at this point i've been dealing with an immense amount of

repressed anger. i can say that i'm pretty new to it.....i just can't

give her a relationship after all she's taken away from me and i

grieve for my " inner child " quite a lot. giving myself in a loving

relationship is something i hold very dear and i honor the people i

have in my life every waking moment i have. it may sound harsh but i

don't think she deserves it from me.

as far as the sociopathic behavior - i've had a similar post up about

fearing that nada would do something drastic. i too, have many

experiences that indicate she tried to go out of her way to have me

injured, etc. i just can't have someone like that in my life.

i think we all have our own unique ways of handling our BPD's. i think

whatever we feel is the healthiest for us is the best way to go and

mine is NC. i've never been happier!

i appreciate your thoughts, jackie and admire your choice.

love,

christine.

>

> >i am NC and so happy. i really admire those who can keep them at a

> distance and have limited contact but the truth is, my nada is just

> >too far gone. there are things that she has done that i feel go beyond

> toleration and teeter a bit on sociopathic behavior. i'm also too

> >fragile in her presence and she has a wonderful way of breaking down

> any sort of confidence i've ever built for myself.

>

> my mother has tried to kill me several times when I was younger, and

she

> takes any oppertunity to physically hurt me whenever she can..shes a

> psychopath too ! so I gladly keep my distance..as for you being too

frail

> to escape her...nonsense !! you will be surprised at your strength

if you

> seek therapy and put your mind to it :-) Thats why therapy is so much

> needed, because they give you the tools to defend yourself. If your

> therapist isn't working, find another one, and another one until you

find

> one that works

> I can't comment on that much abuse as the abuse was only by mother

towards

> us kids, my father had no part of it, and never abused mother

either...but

> once we got bigger, my brothers stood up to her ( as I did) and I

think she

> became afraid that we'd actually hit/hurt her, so the physical

stopped and

> she strengthened her emotional and mental abuse

>

> Jackie

>

[Guest guest]

thank you jackie. i do have a therapist and he is absolutely

wonderful. he's the one that shed light on BPD for me- i had no idea

she had it before then. (i just assumed she was a little crazy and

abusive).

anyway, i guess i might have worded it wrong. i know i'm strong and i

know that i'm not helpless in her presence. it's just that she manages

to kick up a lot of old emotional garbage for me that i don't care to

have anymore. she will also attack at every vulnerable part of me, and

we all have them - i just don't want her to push those buttons. she

has no right.

honestly, at this point i've been dealing with an immense amount of

repressed anger. i can say that i'm pretty new to it.....i just can't

give her a relationship after all she's taken away from me and i

grieve for my " inner child " quite a lot. giving myself in a loving

relationship is something i hold very dear and i honor the people i

have in my life every waking moment i have. it may sound harsh but i

don't think she deserves it from me.

as far as the sociopathic behavior - i've had a similar post up about

fearing that nada would do something drastic. i too, have many

experiences that indicate she tried to go out of her way to have me

injured, etc. i just can't have someone like that in my life.

i think we all have our own unique ways of handling our BPD's. i think

whatever we feel is the healthiest for us is the best way to go and

mine is NC. i've never been happier!

i appreciate your thoughts, jackie and admire your choice.

love,

christine.

>

> >i am NC and so happy. i really admire those who can keep them at a

> distance and have limited contact but the truth is, my nada is just

> >too far gone. there are things that she has done that i feel go beyond

> toleration and teeter a bit on sociopathic behavior. i'm also too

> >fragile in her presence and she has a wonderful way of breaking down

> any sort of confidence i've ever built for myself.

>

> my mother has tried to kill me several times when I was younger, and

she

> takes any oppertunity to physically hurt me whenever she can..shes a

> psychopath too ! so I gladly keep my distance..as for you being too

frail

> to escape her...nonsense !! you will be surprised at your strength

if you

> seek therapy and put your mind to it :-) Thats why therapy is so much

> needed, because they give you the tools to defend yourself. If your

> therapist isn't working, find another one, and another one until you

find

> one that works

> I can't comment on that much abuse as the abuse was only by mother

towards

> us kids, my father had no part of it, and never abused mother

either...but

> once we got bigger, my brothers stood up to her ( as I did) and I

think she

> became afraid that we'd actually hit/hurt her, so the physical

stopped and

> she strengthened her emotional and mental abuse

>

> Jackie

>

[Guest guest]

I knew in the fourth grade that something was wrong because my mother

went to the mental ward for six weeks and was diagnosed with

agoraphobia. My parents illnesses and addictions just seemed so

normal to me that I thought every family was dysfunctional, had issues.

I didn't know about BPD tell I found a good counselor about ten years

ago and I didn't really research BPD till 2006 and then EVERYTHING

fell into place.

>

> Just curious. The first time I knew something wasnt right, I was on

> my college cmapus when I was about 19 yo. I said something about her

> breath smelling like cofee and cigs- she smoked 2 packs/day. Anyway,

> yes, I was wrong but she went nuts. Screaming and yelling and running

> off campus talking about how nasty I was. I n a rage. She found her

> way from L.A to Vegas from the middle of south central LA. Then she

> was rude to me by phone for weeks. That was the very first time. This

> scenario has played out over 50 times over something I supposedly did/

> said wrong.

>

> I really didnt see this behavior until I was in my 20's and swore it

> was some depression/ anxiety issues. But, I guess it was always there.

> Did you all notice it when you were younger or did you think all of

> her behavior was normal when you were a kid???

>

[Guest guest]

I knew in the fourth grade that something was wrong because my mother

went to the mental ward for six weeks and was diagnosed with

agoraphobia. My parents illnesses and addictions just seemed so

normal to me that I thought every family was dysfunctional, had issues.

I didn't know about BPD tell I found a good counselor about ten years

ago and I didn't really research BPD till 2006 and then EVERYTHING

fell into place.

>

> Just curious. The first time I knew something wasnt right, I was on

> my college cmapus when I was about 19 yo. I said something about her

> breath smelling like cofee and cigs- she smoked 2 packs/day. Anyway,

> yes, I was wrong but she went nuts. Screaming and yelling and running

> off campus talking about how nasty I was. I n a rage. She found her

> way from L.A to Vegas from the middle of south central LA. Then she

> was rude to me by phone for weeks. That was the very first time. This

> scenario has played out over 50 times over something I supposedly did/

> said wrong.

>

> I really didnt see this behavior until I was in my 20's and swore it

> was some depression/ anxiety issues. But, I guess it was always there.

> Did you all notice it when you were younger or did you think all of

> her behavior was normal when you were a kid???

>

[Guest guest]

well, if you consider sleeping with my friend in high school an

extremely odd act - then yes! not to mention he became her live-in

boyfriend. i always felt like a jerry springer guest. only i never

went on the show....not that i would ever want to.

she also tried to be the " cool mom " for me and my friends - getting

us completely drunk, beer bonging with us, driving us to get liquor

and purchasing it for us - we were all of 14-16 years old. not to

mention she would drive us drunk or on meth.

-christine

> >

> > Just curious. The first time I knew something wasnt right, I was on

> > my college cmapus when I was about 19 yo. I said something about her

> > breath smelling like cofee and cigs- she smoked 2 packs/day. Anyway,

> > yes, I was wrong but she went nuts. Screaming and yelling and running

> > off campus talking about how nasty I was. I n a rage. She found her

> > way from L.A to Vegas from the middle of south central LA. Then she

> > was rude to me by phone for weeks. That was the very first time. This

> > scenario has played out over 50 times over something I supposedly

did/

> > said wrong.

> >

> > I really didnt see this behavior until I was in my 20's and swore it

> > was some depression/ anxiety issues. But, I guess it was always

there.

> > Did you all notice it when you were younger or did you think all of

> > her behavior was normal when you were a kid???

> >

>

[Guest guest]

well, if you consider sleeping with my friend in high school an

extremely odd act - then yes! not to mention he became her live-in

boyfriend. i always felt like a jerry springer guest. only i never

went on the show....not that i would ever want to.

she also tried to be the " cool mom " for me and my friends - getting

us completely drunk, beer bonging with us, driving us to get liquor

and purchasing it for us - we were all of 14-16 years old. not to

mention she would drive us drunk or on meth.

-christine

> >

> > Just curious. The first time I knew something wasnt right, I was on

> > my college cmapus when I was about 19 yo. I said something about her

> > breath smelling like cofee and cigs- she smoked 2 packs/day. Anyway,

> > yes, I was wrong but she went nuts. Screaming and yelling and running

> > off campus talking about how nasty I was. I n a rage. She found her

> > way from L.A to Vegas from the middle of south central LA. Then she

> > was rude to me by phone for weeks. That was the very first time. This

> > scenario has played out over 50 times over something I supposedly

did/

> > said wrong.

> >

> > I really didnt see this behavior until I was in my 20's and swore it

> > was some depression/ anxiety issues. But, I guess it was always

there.

> > Did you all notice it when you were younger or did you think all of

> > her behavior was normal when you were a kid???

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Embarrassment (like guilt) is a powerful emotion that keeps us trapped.

The parroting comment rang a bell for me. I remember my mother getting

close to new friends and doing the same thing. She thought it was cute,

but some of the behaviors and comments were disgusting (an djust so

inappropriate for an adult). I haven't totally gotten over the

embarrassment issue, but . . . . . .she is who she is. And who she is,

is not who I am. Limiting contact has helped me avoid these situations.

kylaboo728 wrote:

> This has got me thinking -- I can remember thinking I could see

> right through some of her behaviors. Even though I was young, I

> figured out that some things she was doing were either immature or

> not right.

>

> I remember being embarrassed by her a few times, but then again,

> lots of teenagers feel that way about their parents.

>

> But I remember seeing childish behavior in her and thinking " she

> needs to grow up " .

>

> Once, when I brought a guy I was dating to meet her, she and a

> friend had been drinking. Her behavior was so embarrassing to me,

> that I remember thinking she wasn't right.

>

> She was never violent with me, nor my dad with her, but the most

> violent thing she did was throw me out of the house when she was

> worried about her father's heart attack situation.

>

> So, if we don't include spankings as young children -- instead of

> physical violence, my brother and I were subjected to rages. Now,

> my brother says she hit him, and I believe him. Maybe because he

> was a boy. I don't remember seeing it, but I remember hitting him

> myself, so the anger and frustration were built up in me, too.

>

> I remember, at about 10 years old, noticing that sometimes she took

> on the personality of the person she was with -- she'd copy other

> women.....parrot their opinions as her own.....She was like a

> sponge, and it bothered me even then.

>

> I just remember figuring out that she was pretty dysfunctional in

> the world. I grew immune to her displays of tears -- I knew she did

> it for sympathy and as a signal for people to rush in and help/save

> her.

>

> All I knew was that I couldn't wait to leave home. I never looked

> back. I just didn't know how bad it was until I got out into the

> world -- really, until I found out about BPD and discovered this

> board (last June), the final puzzle piece fell into place. And I'm

> 44 years old!

>

> GOOD TOPIC, SHAWANA!

>

> -Kyla

>

>

> >

> > Just curious. The first time I knew something wasnt right, I was

> on

> > my college cmapus when I was about 19 yo. I said something about

> her

> > breath smelling like cofee and cigs- she smoked 2 packs/day.

> Anyway,

> > yes, I was wrong but she went nuts. Screaming and yelling and

> running

> > off campus talking about how nasty I was. I n a rage. She found

> her

> > way from L.A to Vegas from the middle of south central LA. Then

> she

> > was rude to me by phone for weeks. That was the very first time.

> This

> > scenario has played out over 50 times over something I supposedly

> did/

> > said wrong.

> >

> > I really didnt see this behavior until I was in my 20's and swore

> it

> > was some depression/ anxiety issues. But, I guess it was always

> there.

> > Did you all notice it when you were younger or did you think all

> of

> > her behavior was normal when you were a kid???

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

Embarrassment (like guilt) is a powerful emotion that keeps us trapped.

The parroting comment rang a bell for me. I remember my mother getting

close to new friends and doing the same thing. She thought it was cute,

but some of the behaviors and comments were disgusting (an djust so

inappropriate for an adult). I haven't totally gotten over the

embarrassment issue, but . . . . . .she is who she is. And who she is,

is not who I am. Limiting contact has helped me avoid these situations.

kylaboo728 wrote:

> This has got me thinking -- I can remember thinking I could see

> right through some of her behaviors. Even though I was young, I

> figured out that some things she was doing were either immature or

> not right.

>

> I remember being embarrassed by her a few times, but then again,

> lots of teenagers feel that way about their parents.

>

> But I remember seeing childish behavior in her and thinking " she

> needs to grow up " .

>

> Once, when I brought a guy I was dating to meet her, she and a

> friend had been drinking. Her behavior was so embarrassing to me,

> that I remember thinking she wasn't right.

>

> She was never violent with me, nor my dad with her, but the most

> violent thing she did was throw me out of the house when she was

> worried about her father's heart attack situation.

>

> So, if we don't include spankings as young children -- instead of

> physical violence, my brother and I were subjected to rages. Now,

> my brother says she hit him, and I believe him. Maybe because he

> was a boy. I don't remember seeing it, but I remember hitting him

> myself, so the anger and frustration were built up in me, too.

>

> I remember, at about 10 years old, noticing that sometimes she took

> on the personality of the person she was with -- she'd copy other

> women.....parrot their opinions as her own.....She was like a

> sponge, and it bothered me even then.

>

> I just remember figuring out that she was pretty dysfunctional in

> the world. I grew immune to her displays of tears -- I knew she did

> it for sympathy and as a signal for people to rush in and help/save

> her.

>

> All I knew was that I couldn't wait to leave home. I never looked

> back. I just didn't know how bad it was until I got out into the

> world -- really, until I found out about BPD and discovered this

> board (last June), the final puzzle piece fell into place. And I'm

> 44 years old!

>

> GOOD TOPIC, SHAWANA!

>

> -Kyla

>

>

> >

> > Just curious. The first time I knew something wasnt right, I was

> on

> > my college cmapus when I was about 19 yo. I said something about

> her

> > breath smelling like cofee and cigs- she smoked 2 packs/day.

> Anyway,

> > yes, I was wrong but she went nuts. Screaming and yelling and

> running

> > off campus talking about how nasty I was. I n a rage. She found

> her

> > way from L.A to Vegas from the middle of south central LA. Then

> she

> > was rude to me by phone for weeks. That was the very first time.

> This

> > scenario has played out over 50 times over something I supposedly

> did/

> > said wrong.

> >

> > I really didnt see this behavior until I was in my 20's and swore

> it

> > was some depression/ anxiety issues. But, I guess it was always

> there.

> > Did you all notice it when you were younger or did you think all

> of

> > her behavior was normal when you were a kid???

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

For me I really didn't think much of my Fada's behavior growing up. My

Fada's BPD really kicked in when I was about 3 years old, so for as

long as I can remember his behavior has been influenced by it. Growing

up my Fada just didn't pay much attention to me even though I was an

only child. Luckily, for a lack of better terms, my parents got

divorced when I was 12, but my Fada didn't handle the divorce well. He

has been going down hill every since, he lived on his own for about a

year and then was forced to go back and live with his sister. The

entire time he would send me letters that were full of lies and would

always be trying to deceive me and convince me to move out of my

mothers house to live with him.

I didn't think much of any of this till I about a year ago. I'm 20 now

and I look back see that the trigger that made me really look at my

fada's behavior with my now fiance. Having to bring someone else into

my life that required that same amount of trust and love brought up

alot of old scars and thats when I realized how twisted my fada's

behavior was, and still is.

>

> Just curious. The first time I knew something wasnt right, I was on

> my college cmapus when I was about 19 yo. I said something about her

> breath smelling like cofee and cigs- she smoked 2 packs/day. Anyway,

> yes, I was wrong but she went nuts. Screaming and yelling and running

> off campus talking about how nasty I was. I n a rage. She found her

> way from L.A to Vegas from the middle of south central LA. Then she

> was rude to me by phone for weeks. That was the very first time. This

> scenario has played out over 50 times over something I supposedly did/

> said wrong.

>

> I really didnt see this behavior until I was in my 20's and swore it

> was some depression/ anxiety issues. But, I guess it was always there.

> Did you all notice it when you were younger or did you think all of

> her behavior was normal when you were a kid???

>

[Guest guest]

kids always think it's their fault :-(

Jackie

I think she really does have BPD. If I think real hard, I remember

her blowing up and crying if we got lost and it was so dramatic. But

I always felt bad for her. I always thought things were my fault.

But these dramatic situations happened almost daily. I got beat bad,

but i thought i deserved it. She would be so outraged that it had to

be because of me. Now that i really think back, it was her disease.

shawana

[Guest guest]

I have been running away from my mother since I was 18 and she keeps on

hurting me. I guess as long as we are stupid enough to keep going back we

keep getting the abuse. I am sorry for you, hopefully you will be strong

enough to walk away. My guilt is so deep that I keep going back. One of

these days she will be gone and I won't have to go back, maybe then I will

have some peace.

Janie

oh, Janie, never ever call yourslef stupid !! these people have been

working on us since we were babies, it's all we knew...it is NOT out fault

!! I am so sorry what had and still happens to you, you need to get away

from her...you are an adult now, she has NO right to ever lay a finger on

you !! Death doesn't always bring peace :-( you need to see a therapist to

help you sotr things out and set boundaries...just because you lived in her

house does not give her the right to hit you !! I'm afraid I'm ornery

enough I'd have hit her back long time ago ...which is probably the only

reason she ever stoped the physical abuse...I have walked away..last year

with the help of a therapist who opened my eyes to what was right and what

was wrong...please get help and get away from her !!

Jackie

[Guest guest]

>it's just that she manages

to kick up a lot of old emotional garbage for me that i don't care to

have anymore. she will also attack at every vulnerable part of me, and

>we all have them - i just don't want her to push those buttons. she

has no right.

yes, they know exactly what buttons to push...but now it's your turn..she

will not change, so you have to..she will always push those buttons, you

have to learn not to react to them any more...it's very very hard, but can

be done :-)

>honestly, at this point i've been dealing with an immense amount of

repressed anger. i can say that i'm pretty new to it.....i just can't

give her a relationship after all she's taken away from me and i

>grieve for my " inner child " quite a lot. giving myself in a loving

relationship is something i hold very dear and i honor the people i

>have in my life every waking moment i have. it may sound harsh but i

don't think she deserves it from me.

oh, I think you're on the right path !! this is all normal..you do have to

greive for your inner child...I agree..I have very little contact with my

mother, and only because my father is still alive...once he's gone, she will

be completely out of my life...I agee..after all shes done to me, she does

not deserve to even know me !

> have many

experiences that indicate she tried to go out of her way to have me

>injured, etc. i just can't have someone like that in my life.

right, always protect yourself !!

>i think we all have our own unique ways of handling our BPD's. i think

whatever we feel is the healthiest for us is the best way to go and

>mine is NC. i've never been happier!

>i appreciate your thoughts, jackie and admire your choice.

you must have misunderstood my post as I would never tell anyone that NC was

wrong...I'm almost there, and once my dad is gone, I WILL have NC with

mother !! there is nothing wrong with NC !! it keeps us safe and helps us

heal :-)

Jackie

>

> >i am NC and so happy. i really admire those who can keep them at a

> distance and have limited contact but the truth is, my nada is just

> >too far gone. there are things that she has done that i feel go beyond

> toleration and teeter a bit on sociopathic behavior. i'm also too

> >fragile in her presence and she has a wonderful way of breaking down

> any sort of confidence i've ever built for myself.

>

> my mother has tried to kill me several times when I was younger, and

she

> takes any oppertunity to physically hurt me whenever she can..shes a

> psychopath too ! so I gladly keep my distance..as for you being too

frail

> to escape her...nonsense !! you will be surprised at your strength

if you

> seek therapy and put your mind to it :-) Thats why therapy is so much

> needed, because they give you the tools to defend yourself. If your

> therapist isn't working, find another one, and another one until you

find

> one that works

> I can't comment on that much abuse as the abuse was only by mother

towards

> us kids, my father had no part of it, and never abused mother

either...but

> once we got bigger, my brothers stood up to her ( as I did) and I

think she

> became afraid that we'd actually hit/hurt her, so the physical

stopped and

> she strengthened her emotional and mental abuse

>

> Jackie

>

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and the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

I knew that my father was angry a lot as a kid, but of course if I

had done everything right he wouldn't have been angry so much. I

have two cousins the same age as I am, and we all lived very close

to each other. I realized that my father was different when we were

a little bit older, and they said that they were afraid to come to

my house because they were afraid of my father. Oddly enough, one

of them introduced me to BPD (We're now in our 30s) because of HER

mother-(my MOM's sister).

I did know that something was wrong with my father when we were in

public, and all of the other families seemed " normal " , and weren't

making excuses for being late (because of a rage episode), or making

excuses for their BPD's behavior.

> > >

> > > Just curious. The first time I knew something wasnt right, I

was

> > on

> > > my college cmapus when I was about 19 yo. I said something

about

> > her

> > > breath smelling like cofee and cigs- she smoked 2 packs/day.

> > Anyway,

> > > yes, I was wrong but she went nuts. Screaming and yelling and

> > running

> > > off campus talking about how nasty I was. I n a rage. She found

> > her

> > > way from L.A to Vegas from the middle of south central LA. Then

> > she

> > > was rude to me by phone for weeks. That was the very first

time.

> > This

> > > scenario has played out over 50 times over something I

supposedly

> > did/

> > > said wrong.

> > >

> > > I really didnt see this behavior until I was in my 20's and

swore

> > it

> > > was some depression/ anxiety issues. But, I guess it was always

> > there.

> > > Did you all notice it when you were younger or did you think

all

> > of

> > > her behavior was normal when you were a kid???

> > >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

People gossiped about my mom being mentally ill all the time. Some

parents wouldn't let their kids hang out with me because of her. I

was still in elementary school when this happened.

Also, the neighborhood girls I was friends with would ask me why

there were always so many different cars in my driveway- mom was

always entertaining men. I was 6 or 7 then and already embarrased

about her.

> >

> > Just curious. The first time I knew something wasnt right, I was

on

> > my college cmapus when I was about 19 yo. I said something about

her

> > breath smelling like cofee and cigs- she smoked 2 packs/day.

Anyway,

> > yes, I was wrong but she went nuts. Screaming and yelling and

running

> > off campus talking about how nasty I was. I n a rage. She found

her

> > way from L.A to Vegas from the middle of south central LA. Then

she

> > was rude to me by phone for weeks. That was the very first time.

This

> > scenario has played out over 50 times over something I supposedly

did/

> > said wrong.

> >

> > I really didnt see this behavior until I was in my 20's and swore

it

> > was some depression/ anxiety issues. But, I guess it was always

there.

> > Did you all notice it when you were younger or did you think all

of

> > her behavior was normal when you were a kid???

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I am so sorry for all of the physical abuse everyone has suffered.

My mom only hit me a couple of times, she was too much of a waif to

be physically abusive. As bad as the emotional abuse was, I can't

imagine the pain of adding physical abuse as well. My heart goes out

to all of you.

Keep working on yourselves, you are worthy and deserving of love!

Big hugs,

> >So, if we don't include spankings as young children --

instead of

> >physical violence, my brother and I were subjected to rages.

>

> my mother was physically abusive, beyond simple spanking...she

broke a metal

> brush hitting me with it...as well as a wooden kitchen stirring

spoon...she

> used to use a belt, and pretty much anything she could get her

hands on. I

> used to have welts all over my butt and upper legs...and a few

times I had a

> red hand print on my face...she also had her rages...when she just

screamed

> at anything that moved...you could hear her all through the

house...I used

> to hide in the clothes hamper to keep away from her when I was

little..when

> I was bigger, I'd just go to my room, outside or to the

basement...she's

> thrown pots at me as I'd walk by..once hit me in the ankle bone..

>

> >the anger and frustration were built up in me, too.

>

> thats not surprising !! I never hit anyone or any thing..but I yell

when

> angry...not like mother does, but it's still a bit of lost control

>

> >I grew immune to her displays of tears -- I knew she did

> it for sympathy and as a signal for people to rush in and help/save

> >her.

>

> my mother rarely cried...she'd rather scream, yell and hit/throw

things

>

> >All I knew was that I couldn't wait to leave home. I never looked

> back. I just didn't know how bad it was until I got out into the

> world -- really, until I found out about BPD and discovered this

> >board (last June), the final puzzle piece fell into place. And I'm

> 44 years old!

>

> I totally hear ya !! I went to the therapist for the first time

last

> year..I'm 48 !! I wish I had done this a LONG time ago !! But I

hung on to

> the hope mother would " come around " or the light would go on for

her and

> she'd see how loyal and good I really was...and then we'd have that

long

> lost mother/daughter relationship we never had...yeah, right, right

after

> pigs fly...the therapist made me realize this was never, ever going

to

> happen, and I need to let the little girl inside me grow up..I

don't need a

> mother, I'm 48 years old :-) I've survived this long without one,..

>

> Jackie

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Janie and everyone else who has been physically abused:

I am so sorry to read of how physically cruel these " mothers " were

to all of you. The only thing that makes me go on is that I picture

that God has an infinite file cabinet, with a file on each of us.

What they did to the children He gifted them with will be in their

individual " file " -- and He doesn't even burden you with avenging

it. God reserves that for Himself, and He won't let you down. He

will see to it that such cruelty to a child He created and loves

will be punished.

An enormous judgement will rain down on them. The Bible says we'll

each be judged -- I hope those cruel mothers and fathers are made to

look eyeball to eyeball with their Maker, and are made to feel all

of the guilt, shame and remorse they didn't feel in this life.

So sorry for what inhumanity and betrayal you've suffered -- so glad

you're here.

{{{Big Hugs and lots of love}}}

Kyla

>

> I have been running away from my mother since I was 18 and

she keeps on

> hurting me. I guess as long as we are stupid enough to keep going

back we

> keep getting the abuse. I am sorry for you, hopefully you will be

strong

> enough to walk away. My guilt is so deep that I keep going back.

One of

> these days she will be gone and I won't have to go back, maybe

then I will

> have some peace.

>

> Janie

>

> oh, Janie, never ever call yourslef stupid !! these people have

been

> working on us since we were babies, it's all we knew...it is NOT

out fault

> !! I am so sorry what had and still happens to you, you need to

get away

> from her...you are an adult now, she has NO right to ever lay a

finger on

> you !! Death doesn't always bring peace :-( you need to see a

therapist to

> help you sotr things out and set boundaries...just because you

lived in her

> house does not give her the right to hit you !! I'm afraid I'm

ornery

> enough I'd have hit her back long time ago ...which is probably

the only

> reason she ever stoped the physical abuse...I have walked

away..last year

> with the help of a therapist who opened my eyes to what was right

and what

> was wrong...please get help and get away from her !!

>

> Jackie

>

[Guest guest]

Janie and everyone else who has been physically abused:

I am so sorry to read of how physically cruel these " mothers " were

to all of you. The only thing that makes me go on is that I picture

that God has an infinite file cabinet, with a file on each of us.

What they did to the children He gifted them with will be in their

individual " file " -- and He doesn't even burden you with avenging

it. God reserves that for Himself, and He won't let you down. He

will see to it that such cruelty to a child He created and loves

will be punished.

An enormous judgement will rain down on them. The Bible says we'll

each be judged -- I hope those cruel mothers and fathers are made to

look eyeball to eyeball with their Maker, and are made to feel all

of the guilt, shame and remorse they didn't feel in this life.

So sorry for what inhumanity and betrayal you've suffered -- so glad

you're here.

{{{Big Hugs and lots of love}}}

Kyla

>

> I have been running away from my mother since I was 18 and

she keeps on

> hurting me. I guess as long as we are stupid enough to keep going

back we

> keep getting the abuse. I am sorry for you, hopefully you will be

strong

> enough to walk away. My guilt is so deep that I keep going back.

One of

> these days she will be gone and I won't have to go back, maybe

then I will

> have some peace.

>

> Janie

>

> oh, Janie, never ever call yourslef stupid !! these people have

been

> working on us since we were babies, it's all we knew...it is NOT

out fault

> !! I am so sorry what had and still happens to you, you need to

get away

> from her...you are an adult now, she has NO right to ever lay a

finger on

> you !! Death doesn't always bring peace :-( you need to see a

therapist to

> help you sotr things out and set boundaries...just because you

lived in her

> house does not give her the right to hit you !! I'm afraid I'm

ornery

> enough I'd have hit her back long time ago ...which is probably

the only

> reason she ever stoped the physical abuse...I have walked

away..last year

> with the help of a therapist who opened my eyes to what was right

and what

> was wrong...please get help and get away from her !!

>

> Jackie

>

[Guest guest]

I have to respond to this thread.

I didn't really figure out something was wrong with my mom until my

late teens, and then it was vague and I only thought about it when

she was in one of her " episodes " - splitting, dissociation,

projecting. She would say really off the wall things, overreact to

minor things, and accuse me of all sorts of plotting and scheming

against her. Then she would say that I was crazy and needed therapy.

Now, I do have fleas that I'm still working on, and they were worse

at the time, so I know I didn't always handle things in a healthy way

(but then again, I didn't really have much of a healthy role model,

did I?), but a LOT of the stuff with me was simply perfectly normal

teenage stuff.

The thing is, my mother is a very high-functioning BP. And she was

raised by my GrandNada (notice I do not call my mother Nada, but feel

comfortable referring to my GrandNada - she was not so high-

functioning), and she was very determined to be a good mother.

Overall, guess what? She WAS a good mother when I was young. She

really did her very best to not repeat the mistakes of her mother,

and I love and respect her for that. It all crumbled, though, when I

started to differentiate from her - have my own opinions, my own life

apart from her, and especially when it became clear that my

relationship with my boyfriend was serious and heading toward

marriage. Then, all you-know-what broke loose.

I realize, reading these posts, that I have had it relatively easy.

There were a couple times when she got physically abusive (although I

did get slapped in the face fairly frequently, it wasn't

a " beating " ), and the emotional abuse was somewhat sporadic until I

was in my teens. The good times were really good though. It's hard to

let go of those, but I am on very LC now, and it's so much better.

Anyway, sometimes I have to remind myself of the " headgames " and

other nasty stuff that went on, not to dwell on the negative, but to

remind myself that I have a right to be here to, even though my mom

was not nearly as bad as some of yours.

Ok, I tend to get off on tangents, don't I?? Thanks for reading.

Tara

> >

> > >i am NC and so happy. i really admire those who can keep them at

a

> > distance and have limited contact but the truth is, my nada is

just

> > >too far gone. there are things that she has done that i feel go

beyond

> > toleration and teeter a bit on sociopathic behavior. i'm also too

> > >fragile in her presence and she has a wonderful way of breaking

down

> > any sort of confidence i've ever built for myself.

> >

> > my mother has tried to kill me several times when I was younger,

and

> she

> > takes any oppertunity to physically hurt me whenever she

can..shes a

> > psychopath too ! so I gladly keep my distance..as for you being

too

> frail

> > to escape her...nonsense !! you will be surprised at your

strength

> if you

> > seek therapy and put your mind to it :-) Thats why therapy is so

much

> > needed, because they give you the tools to defend yourself. If

your

> > therapist isn't working, find another one, and another one until

you

> find

> > one that works

> > I can't comment on that much abuse as the abuse was only by

mother

> towards

> > us kids, my father had no part of it, and never abused mother

> either...but

> > once we got bigger, my brothers stood up to her ( as I did) and I

> think she

> > became afraid that we'd actually hit/hurt her, so the physical

> stopped and

> > she strengthened her emotional and mental abuse

> >

> > Jackie

> >

>

>

>

>

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

> @... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON

> THE GROUP.

>

> To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

SHELL

> () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the

Borderline

> Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth)

which you can

> find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

author SWOE

> and the SWOE Workbook.

>

[Guest guest]

Just have to say, you all mean so much to me. I have found a place

of acceptance.

I know can't have a real relationship with my nada or father. It

isn't about giving up, it is about accepting the reality of the

situation. Saying it out loud free of judgement and emotional

backlash is amazing. This is a safe and kind place for all of us.

I too want to say I am so sorry too for all the physical, mental and

sexual abuse we have all suffered. I know this journey is not easy,

but having all of you in my life has been a wonderful source of joy

and validation.

I thank you all for sharing the journey with me.

Malinda

> > >So, if we don't include spankings as young children --

> instead of

> > >physical violence, my brother and I were subjected to rages.

> >

> > my mother was physically abusive, beyond simple spanking...she

> broke a metal

> > brush hitting me with it...as well as a wooden kitchen stirring

> spoon...she

> > used to use a belt, and pretty much anything she could get her

> hands on. I

> > used to have welts all over my butt and upper legs...and a few

> times I had a

> > red hand print on my face...she also had her rages...when she

just

> screamed

> > at anything that moved...you could hear her all through the

> house...I used

> > to hide in the clothes hamper to keep away from her when I was

> little..when

> > I was bigger, I'd just go to my room, outside or to the

> basement...she's

> > thrown pots at me as I'd walk by..once hit me in the ankle bone..

> >

> > >the anger and frustration were built up in me, too.

> >

> > thats not surprising !! I never hit anyone or any thing..but I

yell

> when

> > angry...not like mother does, but it's still a bit of lost

control

> >

> > >I grew immune to her displays of tears -- I knew she did

> > it for sympathy and as a signal for people to rush in and

help/save

> > >her.

> >

> > my mother rarely cried...she'd rather scream, yell and hit/throw

> things

> >

> > >All I knew was that I couldn't wait to leave home. I never

looked

> > back. I just didn't know how bad it was until I got out into the

> > world -- really, until I found out about BPD and discovered this

> > >board (last June), the final puzzle piece fell into place. And

I'm

> > 44 years old!

> >

> > I totally hear ya !! I went to the therapist for the first time

> last

> > year..I'm 48 !! I wish I had done this a LONG time ago !! But I

> hung on to

> > the hope mother would " come around " or the light would go on for

> her and

> > she'd see how loyal and good I really was...and then we'd have

that

> long

> > lost mother/daughter relationship we never had...yeah, right,

right

> after

> > pigs fly...the therapist made me realize this was never, ever

going

> to

> > happen, and I need to let the little girl inside me grow up..I

> don't need a

> > mother, I'm 48 years old :-) I've survived this long without

one,..

> >

> > Jackie

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Just have to say, you all mean so much to me. I have found a place

of acceptance.

I know can't have a real relationship with my nada or father. It

isn't about giving up, it is about accepting the reality of the

situation. Saying it out loud free of judgement and emotional

backlash is amazing. This is a safe and kind place for all of us.

I too want to say I am so sorry too for all the physical, mental and

sexual abuse we have all suffered. I know this journey is not easy,

but having all of you in my life has been a wonderful source of joy

and validation.

I thank you all for sharing the journey with me.

Malinda

> > >So, if we don't include spankings as young children --

> instead of

> > >physical violence, my brother and I were subjected to rages.

> >

> > my mother was physically abusive, beyond simple spanking...she

> broke a metal

> > brush hitting me with it...as well as a wooden kitchen stirring

> spoon...she

> > used to use a belt, and pretty much anything she could get her

> hands on. I

> > used to have welts all over my butt and upper legs...and a few

> times I had a

> > red hand print on my face...she also had her rages...when she

just

> screamed

> > at anything that moved...you could hear her all through the

> house...I used

> > to hide in the clothes hamper to keep away from her when I was

> little..when

> > I was bigger, I'd just go to my room, outside or to the

> basement...she's

> > thrown pots at me as I'd walk by..once hit me in the ankle bone..

> >

> > >the anger and frustration were built up in me, too.

> >

> > thats not surprising !! I never hit anyone or any thing..but I

yell

> when

> > angry...not like mother does, but it's still a bit of lost

control

> >

> > >I grew immune to her displays of tears -- I knew she did

> > it for sympathy and as a signal for people to rush in and

help/save

> > >her.

> >

> > my mother rarely cried...she'd rather scream, yell and hit/throw

> things

> >

> > >All I knew was that I couldn't wait to leave home. I never

looked

> > back. I just didn't know how bad it was until I got out into the

> > world -- really, until I found out about BPD and discovered this

> > >board (last June), the final puzzle piece fell into place. And

I'm

> > 44 years old!

> >

> > I totally hear ya !! I went to the therapist for the first time

> last

> > year..I'm 48 !! I wish I had done this a LONG time ago !! But I

> hung on to

> > the hope mother would " come around " or the light would go on for

> her and

> > she'd see how loyal and good I really was...and then we'd have

that

> long

> > lost mother/daughter relationship we never had...yeah, right,

right

> after

> > pigs fly...the therapist made me realize this was never, ever

going

> to

> > happen, and I need to let the little girl inside me grow up..I

> don't need a

> > mother, I'm 48 years old :-) I've survived this long without

one,..

> >

> > Jackie

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Thank you Malinda,

The wisdom and insight of your comments has helped me immensely (and I

have only been on the site for about a week)!

K

maparise17 wrote:

> Just have to say, you all mean so much to me. I have found a place

> of acceptance.

>

> I know can't have a real relationship with my nada or father. It

> isn't about giving up, it is about accepting the reality of the

> situation. Saying it out loud free of judgement and emotional

> backlash is amazing. This is a safe and kind place for all of us.

>

> I too want to say I am so sorry too for all the physical, mental and

> sexual abuse we have all suffered. I know this journey is not easy,

> but having all of you in my life has been a wonderful source of joy

> and validation.

>

> I thank you all for sharing the journey with me.

>

> Malinda

>

>

> > > >So, if we don't include spankings as young children --

>

> > instead of

> > > >physical violence, my brother and I were subjected to rages.

> > >

> > > my mother was physically abusive, beyond simple spanking...she

> > broke a metal

> > > brush hitting me with it...as well as a wooden kitchen stirring

> > spoon...she

> > > used to use a belt, and pretty much anything she could get her

> > hands on. I

> > > used to have welts all over my butt and upper legs...and a few

> > times I had a

> > > red hand print on my face...she also had her rages...when she

> just

> > screamed

> > > at anything that moved...you could hear her all through the

> > house...I used

> > > to hide in the clothes hamper to keep away from her when I was

> > little..when

> > > I was bigger, I'd just go to my room, outside or to the

> > basement...she's

> > > thrown pots at me as I'd walk by..once hit me in the ankle bone..

> > >

> > > >the anger and frustration were built up in me, too.

> > >

> > > thats not surprising !! I never hit anyone or any thing..but I

> yell

> > when

> > > angry...not like mother does, but it's still a bit of lost

> control

> > >

> > > >I grew immune to her displays of tears -- I knew she did

> > > it for sympathy and as a signal for people to rush in and

> help/save

> > > >her.

> > >

> > > my mother rarely cried...she'd rather scream, yell and hit/throw

> > things

> > >

> > > >All I knew was that I couldn't wait to leave home. I never

> looked

> > > back. I just didn't know how bad it was until I got out into the

> > > world -- really, until I found out about BPD and discovered this

> > > >board (last June), the final puzzle piece fell into place. And

> I'm

> > > 44 years old!

> > >

> > > I totally hear ya !! I went to the therapist for the first time

> > last

> > > year..I'm 48 !! I wish I had done this a LONG time ago !! But I

> > hung on to

> > > the hope mother would " come around " or the light would go on for

> > her and

> > > she'd see how loyal and good I really was...and then we'd have

> that

> > long

> > > lost mother/daughter relationship we never had...yeah, right,

> right

> > after

> > > pigs fly...the therapist made me realize this was never, ever

> going

> > to

> > > happen, and I need to let the little girl inside me grow up..I

> > don't need a

> > > mother, I'm 48 years old :-) I've survived this long without

> one,..

> > >

> > > Jackie

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

thank's, Kayla :-)

I've always thought something along this line too..that she'll get hers when

the time comes...she may think she so high and mighty, but just wait until

judgement day...in the mean time, Ihve been blessed with my animals, and a

great husband. I never wanted children because I'd always heard thos who

were abused become abusive to their own children..I don't understand if,

knowing what it's like to be abused, why would the do that to someone

else...but I was so scared of it, I opted not to have any children...

Jackie

Janie and everyone else who has been physically abused:

I am so sorry to read of how physically cruel these " mothers " were

to all of you. The only thing that makes me go on is that I picture

that God has an infinite file cabinet, with a file on each of us.

What they did to the children He gifted them with will be in their

individual " file " -- and He doesn't even burden you with avenging

it. God reserves that for Himself, and He won't let you down. He

will see to it that such cruelty to a child He created and loves

will be punished.

An enormous judgement will rain down on them. The Bible says we'll

each be judged -- I hope those cruel mothers and fathers are made to

look eyeball to eyeball with their Maker, and are made to feel all

of the guilt, shame and remorse they didn't feel in this life.

So sorry for what inhumanity and betrayal you've suffered -- so glad

you're here.

{{{Big Hugs and lots of love}}}

Kyla

[Guest guest]

>The good times were really good though. It's hard to

>let go of those, but I am on very LC now, and it's so much better.

you don't have to let go of the memories you had of the good times...these

are what sustain people through hard times :-)

>Anyway, sometimes I have to remind myself of the " headgames " and

other nasty stuff that went on, not to dwell on the negative, but to

>remind myself that I have a right to be here to, even though my mom

was not nearly as bad as some of yours.

of course you do !! you had a rough childhood as well..compared to " normal "

just because yours wasn't as bad as others doesn't mean you were Ok..don't

think your suffering doesn't mean anything because your situation wasn't as

bad...your situation was bad ..

Jackie

[Guest guest]

don't worry, jackie - i didn't misunderstand. i just didn't want you

to get the wrong message about me and my path...i just admire anybody

that can have LC because it would be impossible to have that for nada

and i. but i guess our experiences vary in extremes and our strengths

do as well. well, maybe not in extremes. but again, thank you for

sharing. i really appreciate your thoughts!

love,

christine.

> >

> > >i am NC and so happy. i really admire those who can keep them at a

> > distance and have limited contact but the truth is, my nada is just

> > >too far gone. there are things that she has done that i feel go

beyond

> > toleration and teeter a bit on sociopathic behavior. i'm also too

> > >fragile in her presence and she has a wonderful way of breaking down

> > any sort of confidence i've ever built for myself.

> >

> > my mother has tried to kill me several times when I was younger, and

> she

> > takes any oppertunity to physically hurt me whenever she can..shes a

> > psychopath too ! so I gladly keep my distance..as for you being too

> frail

> > to escape her...nonsense !! you will be surprised at your strength

> if you

> > seek therapy and put your mind to it :-) Thats why therapy is so much

> > needed, because they give you the tools to defend yourself. If your

> > therapist isn't working, find another one, and another one until you

> find

> > one that works

> > I can't comment on that much abuse as the abuse was only by mother

> towards

> > us kids, my father had no part of it, and never abused mother

> either...but

> > once we got bigger, my brothers stood up to her ( as I did) and I

> think she

> > became afraid that we'd actually hit/hurt her, so the physical

> stopped and

> > she strengthened her emotional and mental abuse

> >

> > Jackie

> >

>

>

>

>

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

> @... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON

> THE GROUP.

>

> To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

> () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the

Borderline

> Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which

you can

> find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author

SWOE

> and the SWOE Workbook.

>

[Guest guest]

I do realize every situation is different and everyone handles things

differently :-) what works for one may not for another

Jackie

don't worry, jackie - i didn't misunderstand. i just didn't want you

to get the wrong message about me and my path...i just admire anybody

that can have LC because it would be impossible to have that for nada

and i. but i guess our experiences vary in extremes and our strengths

do as well. well, maybe not in extremes. but again, thank you for

sharing. i really appreciate your thoughts!

love,

christine.