Re: Did you know you nada was different when you were a kid?

[Guest guest]

i'm going to ride on jackie's coat tails on this one. i think we all

have a tendency to minimize our abuse, to compare it to other's

hardships so that we don't feel the pain of our own experiences so

much. it helps to downplay it to some degree - it may be a survival

mechanism. it could also be that our nada's told us things like " you

think you have it so bad, well, look at those kids in Africa, etc. "

almost as if to say, how dare you confront me on your abuse - if i

wanted to, i could be even more of a nightmare to deal with for

you..... and so we minimize. these are just my own theories.

i have a friend who was extremely neglected as a child/adolescent. she

told me that she didn't have it as bad as me or another friend of ours

(her nada also has BPD) and that neglect was the most humane form of

abuse.

my reply was that there is nothing humane about abuse.

try not to minimize your experiences. they are real and they are

valid. of course it could have been much worse and any of our

experiences could have been. i'm not saying to go out and have a

parade of your bad memories and be proud of them - just recognize

them for what they are so that you can heal. nobody deserves abuse as

a child - no matter what degree.

much love,

christine

>

> >The good times were really good though. It's hard to

> >let go of those, but I am on very LC now, and it's so much better.

>

> you don't have to let go of the memories you had of the good

times...these

> are what sustain people through hard times :-)

>

> >Anyway, sometimes I have to remind myself of the " headgames " and

> other nasty stuff that went on, not to dwell on the negative, but to

> >remind myself that I have a right to be here to, even though my mom

> was not nearly as bad as some of yours.

>

> of course you do !! you had a rough childhood as well..compared to

" normal "

> just because yours wasn't as bad as others doesn't mean you were

Ok..don't

> think your suffering doesn't mean anything because your situation

wasn't as

> bad...your situation was bad ..

>

> Jackie

>

[Guest guest]

I am smiling on the inside.....thanks...

> > > > >So, if we don't include spankings as young children --

> >

> > > instead of

> > > > >physical violence, my brother and I were subjected to rages.

> > > >

> > > > my mother was physically abusive, beyond simple spanking...she

> > > broke a metal

> > > > brush hitting me with it...as well as a wooden kitchen

stirring

> > > spoon...she

> > > > used to use a belt, and pretty much anything she could get her

> > > hands on. I

> > > > used to have welts all over my butt and upper legs...and a few

> > > times I had a

> > > > red hand print on my face...she also had her rages...when she

> > just

> > > screamed

> > > > at anything that moved...you could hear her all through the

> > > house...I used

> > > > to hide in the clothes hamper to keep away from her when I was

> > > little..when

> > > > I was bigger, I'd just go to my room, outside or to the

> > > basement...she's

> > > > thrown pots at me as I'd walk by..once hit me in the ankle

bone..

> > > >

> > > > >the anger and frustration were built up in me, too.

> > > >

> > > > thats not surprising !! I never hit anyone or any thing..but I

> > yell

> > > when

> > > > angry...not like mother does, but it's still a bit of lost

> > control

> > > >

> > > > >I grew immune to her displays of tears -- I knew she did

> > > > it for sympathy and as a signal for people to rush in and

> > help/save

> > > > >her.

> > > >

> > > > my mother rarely cried...she'd rather scream, yell and

hit/throw

> > > things

> > > >

> > > > >All I knew was that I couldn't wait to leave home. I never

> > looked

> > > > back. I just didn't know how bad it was until I got out into

the

> > > > world -- really, until I found out about BPD and discovered

this

> > > > >board (last June), the final puzzle piece fell into place.

And

> > I'm

> > > > 44 years old!

> > > >

> > > > I totally hear ya !! I went to the therapist for the first

time

> > > last

> > > > year..I'm 48 !! I wish I had done this a LONG time ago !! But

I

> > > hung on to

> > > > the hope mother would " come around " or the light would go on

for

> > > her and

> > > > she'd see how loyal and good I really was...and then we'd have

> > that

> > > long

> > > > lost mother/daughter relationship we never had...yeah, right,

> > right

> > > after

> > > > pigs fly...the therapist made me realize this was never, ever

> > going

> > > to

> > > > happen, and I need to let the little girl inside me grow up..I

> > > don't need a

> > > > mother, I'm 48 years old :-) I've survived this long without

> > one,..

> > > >

> > > > Jackie

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much, and Jackie.

You are both right. I guess I do tend to minimize. I do respect my

mom for doing the best she knew how with her own upbringing, but that

doesn't change the fact that things were just plain not right.

Thanks again.

Tara

>

> >The good times were really good though. It's hard to

> >let go of those, but I am on very LC now, and it's so much better.

>

> you don't have to let go of the memories you had of the good

times...these

> are what sustain people through hard times :-)

>

> >Anyway, sometimes I have to remind myself of the " headgames " and

> other nasty stuff that went on, not to dwell on the negative, but to

> >remind myself that I have a right to be here to, even though my mom

> was not nearly as bad as some of yours.

>

> of course you do !! you had a rough childhood as well..compared

to " normal "

> just because yours wasn't as bad as others doesn't mean you were

Ok..don't

> think your suffering doesn't mean anything because your situation

wasn't as

> bad...your situation was bad ..

>

> Jackie

>

[Guest guest]

> [...] Did you all notice it when you were younger or did you think all

> of her behavior was normal when you were a kid???

When I was a kid, she kept my brother and me in such a tight bubble... We were

only allowed a limited view of the world - one always filtered by her. So I had

no idea there was anything unusual about our family. I was unhappy, but she told

me how lucky I was to have the life I did and I believed her. I had nothing to

compare it to. I wasn't allowed over other kids' houses (except sometimes one)

and no one was allowed over our house. I didn't have friends in school. My nada

could not get along with any other mothers. She hated our extended family too,

so the only relatives I saw were her parents.

You'd think I'd have figured it out by watching The Brady Bunch or something,

but I guess I viewed those shows as totally fantastical. And I wasn't physically

beaten.

It's sad. I guess she did an excellent job of brain-washing me. I worked hard to

try to keep her happy (despite that being an impossible task) because I really

believed that her rage and tears were my fault. She'd convinced me.

It wasn't until maybe high school that I really wanted independence, and that

was a big problem for her. Then I moved away for college. We fought more and

more. I made friends with nice people at school, and when I heard them talk

about their childhood, I began to realize that I was different. I saw it as

something wrong with me though, not my parents' fault and didn't talk about it.

But by the end of college, I remember wondering why my father ever married my

mother (she was such a witch) and why he had kids (he completely ignored us).

And some years after that, with help of a therapist, the fog cleared and I saw

just how sick and twisted she was. Now I've spent years trying to accept it,

heal and move on. But it's very hard.

This group helps.

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

The fish are biting.

Get more visitors on your site using Yahoo! Search Marketing.

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[Guest guest]

> [...] Did you all notice it when you were younger or did you think all

> of her behavior was normal when you were a kid???

When I was a kid, she kept my brother and me in such a tight bubble... We were

only allowed a limited view of the world - one always filtered by her. So I had

no idea there was anything unusual about our family. I was unhappy, but she told

me how lucky I was to have the life I did and I believed her. I had nothing to

compare it to. I wasn't allowed over other kids' houses (except sometimes one)

and no one was allowed over our house. I didn't have friends in school. My nada

could not get along with any other mothers. She hated our extended family too,

so the only relatives I saw were her parents.

You'd think I'd have figured it out by watching The Brady Bunch or something,

but I guess I viewed those shows as totally fantastical. And I wasn't physically

beaten.

It's sad. I guess she did an excellent job of brain-washing me. I worked hard to

try to keep her happy (despite that being an impossible task) because I really

believed that her rage and tears were my fault. She'd convinced me.

It wasn't until maybe high school that I really wanted independence, and that

was a big problem for her. Then I moved away for college. We fought more and

more. I made friends with nice people at school, and when I heard them talk

about their childhood, I began to realize that I was different. I saw it as

something wrong with me though, not my parents' fault and didn't talk about it.

But by the end of college, I remember wondering why my father ever married my

mother (she was such a witch) and why he had kids (he completely ignored us).

And some years after that, with help of a therapist, the fog cleared and I saw

just how sick and twisted she was. Now I've spent years trying to accept it,

heal and move on. But it's very hard.

This group helps.

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

The fish are biting.

Get more visitors on your site using Yahoo! Search Marketing.

http://searchmarketing.yahoo.com/arp/sponsoredsearch_v2.php

[Guest guest]

Yes, this group really helps...

I like you never realized something was wrong, but what is important

is we do now!!

Malinda:)

>

> > [...] Did you all notice it when you were younger or did you

think all

>

> > of her behavior was normal when you were a kid???

>

>

> When I was a kid, she kept my brother and me in such a tight

bubble... We were only allowed a limited view of the world - one

always filtered by her. So I had no idea there was anything unusual

about our family. I was unhappy, but she told me how lucky I was to

have the life I did and I believed her. I had nothing to compare it

to. I wasn't allowed over other kids' houses (except sometimes one)

and no one was allowed over our house. I didn't have friends in

school. My nada could not get along with any other mothers. She hated

our extended family too, so the only relatives I saw were her parents.

>

> You'd think I'd have figured it out by watching The Brady Bunch or

something, but I guess I viewed those shows as totally fantastical.

And I wasn't physically beaten.

>

>

> It's sad. I guess she did an excellent job of brain-washing me. I

worked hard to try to keep her happy (despite that being an

impossible task) because I really believed that her rage and tears

were my fault. She'd convinced me.

>

>

> It wasn't until maybe high school that I really wanted

independence, and that was a big problem for her. Then I moved away

for college. We fought more and more. I made friends with nice people

at school, and when I heard them talk about their childhood, I began

to realize that I was different. I saw it as something wrong with me

though, not my parents' fault and didn't talk about it. But by the

end of college, I remember wondering why my father ever married my

mother (she was such a witch) and why he had kids (he completely

ignored us). And some years after that, with help of a therapist, the

fog cleared and I saw just how sick and twisted she was. Now I've

spent years trying to accept it, heal and move on. But it's very hard.

>

> This group helps.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

______________________________________________________________________

______________

> The fish are biting.

> Get more visitors on your site using Yahoo! Search Marketing.

> http://searchmarketing.yahoo.com/arp/sponsoredsearch_v2.php

>

>

[Guest guest]

I knew there were inconsistencies that didn't fit - I used to hate it when she

bought me anything new because she'd use it as a whip for weeks ( " why didn't you

do the dishes...I bought you that new dress last month " ) - but we lived in a

rural area and there wasn't much to compare to. So, yeah, I thought it was

normal. I do remember that I liked my friend's

mama (a gentle, compassionate woman)better than mine, but I never put 2 and 2

together.

-

sleddog wrote:

>I really didnt see this behavior until I was in my 20's and swore it

was some depression/ anxiety issues. But, I guess it was always there.

>Did you all notice it when you were younger or did you think all of

>her behavior was normal when you were a kid???

WOW, maybe something else is wrong with your mother...I always knew my

mother wasn't quite right...she was one person in public, and a totally

different ( and scary) person at home. She was physically abusive when

wewere young, she had many rages ( and still does) that were over nothing at

all..and her odd behavior compared to other people...I have always know she

was " different " she was overly strict when I was young...she was so

inconsistant in her behavior, and her house hold rules changed ( without

warning) and her punishments never fit the crime...if I was 5 minutes late

coming home, I'd be sent to my room with no dinner and grounded for 2

weeks...

Jackie

---------------------------------

We won't tell. Get more on shows you hate to love

(and love to hate): Yahoo! TV's Guilty Pleasures list.

[Guest guest]

I knew there were inconsistencies that didn't fit - I used to hate it when she

bought me anything new because she'd use it as a whip for weeks ( " why didn't you

do the dishes...I bought you that new dress last month " ) - but we lived in a

rural area and there wasn't much to compare to. So, yeah, I thought it was

normal. I do remember that I liked my friend's

mama (a gentle, compassionate woman)better than mine, but I never put 2 and 2

together.

-

sleddog wrote:

>I really didnt see this behavior until I was in my 20's and swore it

was some depression/ anxiety issues. But, I guess it was always there.

>Did you all notice it when you were younger or did you think all of

>her behavior was normal when you were a kid???

WOW, maybe something else is wrong with your mother...I always knew my

mother wasn't quite right...she was one person in public, and a totally

different ( and scary) person at home. She was physically abusive when

wewere young, she had many rages ( and still does) that were over nothing at

all..and her odd behavior compared to other people...I have always know she

was " different " she was overly strict when I was young...she was so

inconsistant in her behavior, and her house hold rules changed ( without

warning) and her punishments never fit the crime...if I was 5 minutes late

coming home, I'd be sent to my room with no dinner and grounded for 2

weeks...

Jackie

---------------------------------

We won't tell. Get more on shows you hate to love

(and love to hate): Yahoo! TV's Guilty Pleasures list.

[Guest guest]

I knew there were inconsistencies that didn't fit - I used to hate it when she

bought me anything new because she'd use it as a whip for weeks ( " why didn't you

do the dishes...I bought you that new dress last month " ) - but we lived in a

rural area and there wasn't much to compare to. So, yeah, I thought it was

normal. I do remember that I liked my friend's

mama (a gentle, compassionate woman)better than mine, but I never put 2 and 2

together.

-

sleddog wrote:

>I really didnt see this behavior until I was in my 20's and swore it

was some depression/ anxiety issues. But, I guess it was always there.

>Did you all notice it when you were younger or did you think all of

>her behavior was normal when you were a kid???

WOW, maybe something else is wrong with your mother...I always knew my

mother wasn't quite right...she was one person in public, and a totally

different ( and scary) person at home. She was physically abusive when

wewere young, she had many rages ( and still does) that were over nothing at

all..and her odd behavior compared to other people...I have always know she

was " different " she was overly strict when I was young...she was so

inconsistant in her behavior, and her house hold rules changed ( without

warning) and her punishments never fit the crime...if I was 5 minutes late

coming home, I'd be sent to my room with no dinner and grounded for 2

weeks...

Jackie

---------------------------------

We won't tell. Get more on shows you hate to love

(and love to hate): Yahoo! TV's Guilty Pleasures list.