Re: Did you know you nada was different when you were a kid?

[Guest guest]

i think i became aware of her being different when i was about 9 or

10. she used to ask to get beaten by her 4th husband (really, she

would push him over the edge to do it and challenge him to " be a man "

and hit her - which he did all the time). she also participated in the

physical abuse that was inflicted on his son (my 5 year old step

brother) by pinning him down while he beat him. she also made him eat

his own vomit because she tried to make him eat greasy-syrupy french

toast for dinner (and it pissed her off that he threw up because of

her cooking).

i know that's an extreme example - but i knew nada was just not right

in the head at that point. however, i didn't discover that she had BPD

until about 2 years ago.

sorry - i hope that wasn't too depressing!

love,

christine.

>

> Just curious. The first time I knew something wasnt right, I was on

> my college cmapus when I was about 19 yo. I said something about her

> breath smelling like cofee and cigs- she smoked 2 packs/day. Anyway,

> yes, I was wrong but she went nuts. Screaming and yelling and running

> off campus talking about how nasty I was. I n a rage. She found her

> way from L.A to Vegas from the middle of south central LA. Then she

> was rude to me by phone for weeks. That was the very first time. This

> scenario has played out over 50 times over something I supposedly did/

> said wrong.

>

> I really didnt see this behavior until I was in my 20's and swore it

> was some depression/ anxiety issues. But, I guess it was always there.

> Did you all notice it when you were younger or did you think all of

> her behavior was normal when you were a kid???

>

[Guest guest]

actually my nada use to do the whole begging for it thing too. with

all of her boyfriends/husbands. what the heck is that??? see i

thought that it was normal. the vomit thing is horrible. how is your

relationship since you knew she was bp

> >

> > Just curious. The first time I knew something wasnt right, I

was on

> > my college cmapus when I was about 19 yo. I said something about

her

> > breath smelling like cofee and cigs- she smoked 2 packs/day.

Anyway,

> > yes, I was wrong but she went nuts. Screaming and yelling and

running

> > off campus talking about how nasty I was. I n a rage. She found

her

> > way from L.A to Vegas from the middle of south central LA. Then

she

> > was rude to me by phone for weeks. That was the very first time.

This

> > scenario has played out over 50 times over something I

supposedly did/

> > said wrong.

> >

> > I really didnt see this behavior until I was in my 20's and

swore it

> > was some depression/ anxiety issues. But, I guess it was always

there.

> > Did you all notice it when you were younger or did you think all

of

> > her behavior was normal when you were a kid???

> >

>

[Guest guest]

>I really didnt see this behavior until I was in my 20's and swore it

was some depression/ anxiety issues. But, I guess it was always there.

>Did you all notice it when you were younger or did you think all of

>her behavior was normal when you were a kid???

WOW, maybe something else is wrong with your mother...I always knew my

mother wasn't quite right...she was one person in public, and a totally

different ( and scary) person at home. She was physically abusive when

wewere young, she had many rages ( and still does) that were over nothing at

all..and her odd behavior compared to other people...I have always know she

was " different " she was overly strict when I was young...she was so

inconsistant in her behavior, and her house hold rules changed ( without

warning) and her punishments never fit the crime...if I was 5 minutes late

coming home, I'd be sent to my room with no dinner and grounded for 2

weeks...

Jackie

[Guest guest]

i am NC and so happy. i really admire those who can keep them at a

distance and have limited contact but the truth is, my nada is just

too far gone. there are things that she has done that i feel go beyond

toleration and teeter a bit on sociopathic behavior. i'm also too

fragile in her presence and she has a wonderful way of breaking down

any sort of confidence i've ever built for myself.

yeah, the domestic violence thing - that's a hard one for me to grasp.

because what that a-hole did i definitely don't condone. i have a lot

of painful wounds and memories from that period - nada with her blood

soaked robe, trying to " easter-egg hunt " with her to find her teeth in

the carpet, seeing her get strangled and thrown out of a glass door,

among many other blistered memories. the cops were at our house every

friggin week and her husband was jailed so frequently that we went

bankrupt from bailing him out so much (and she cashed in all my

college money for the same purpose). anyway, there is a part of me

that blames her for it because she would ALWAYS initiate the fight and

kind of gloat around to her friends and co-workers how she was the

poor battered wife. it was a pretty traumatic part of my life. i

didn't know whether to feel sorry for her or to hate her.

same thing with yours, huh? i think it can be linked to the whole

hypochondria thing- it gets attention and they'll go through whatever

means to get it. even domestic violence, in our case.

i just don't get it.

love,

christine

> > >

> > > Just curious. The first time I knew something wasnt right, I

> was on

> > > my college cmapus when I was about 19 yo. I said something about

> her

> > > breath smelling like cofee and cigs- she smoked 2 packs/day.

> Anyway,

> > > yes, I was wrong but she went nuts. Screaming and yelling and

> running

> > > off campus talking about how nasty I was. I n a rage. She found

> her

> > > way from L.A to Vegas from the middle of south central LA. Then

> she

> > > was rude to me by phone for weeks. That was the very first time.

> This

> > > scenario has played out over 50 times over something I

> supposedly did/

> > > said wrong.

> > >

> > > I really didnt see this behavior until I was in my 20's and

> swore it

> > > was some depression/ anxiety issues. But, I guess it was always

> there.

> > > Did you all notice it when you were younger or did you think all

> of

> > > her behavior was normal when you were a kid???

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

>i am NC and so happy. i really admire those who can keep them at a

distance and have limited contact but the truth is, my nada is just

>too far gone. there are things that she has done that i feel go beyond

toleration and teeter a bit on sociopathic behavior. i'm also too

>fragile in her presence and she has a wonderful way of breaking down

any sort of confidence i've ever built for myself.

my mother has tried to kill me several times when I was younger, and she

takes any oppertunity to physically hurt me whenever she can..shes a

psychopath too ! so I gladly keep my distance..as for you being too frail

to escape her...nonsense !! you will be surprised at your strength if you

seek therapy and put your mind to it :-) Thats why therapy is so much

needed, because they give you the tools to defend yourself. If your

therapist isn't working, find another one, and another one until you find

one that works

I can't comment on that much abuse as the abuse was only by mother towards

us kids, my father had no part of it, and never abused mother either...but

once we got bigger, my brothers stood up to her ( as I did) and I think she

became afraid that we'd actually hit/hurt her, so the physical stopped and

she strengthened her emotional and mental abuse

Jackie

[Guest guest]

This has got me thinking -- I can remember thinking I could see

right through some of her behaviors. Even though I was young, I

figured out that some things she was doing were either immature or

not right.

I remember being embarrassed by her a few times, but then again,

lots of teenagers feel that way about their parents.

But I remember seeing childish behavior in her and thinking " she

needs to grow up " .

Once, when I brought a guy I was dating to meet her, she and a

friend had been drinking. Her behavior was so embarrassing to me,

that I remember thinking she wasn't right.

She was never violent with me, nor my dad with her, but the most

violent thing she did was throw me out of the house when she was

worried about her father's heart attack situation.

So, if we don't include spankings as young children -- instead of

physical violence, my brother and I were subjected to rages. Now,

my brother says she hit him, and I believe him. Maybe because he

was a boy. I don't remember seeing it, but I remember hitting him

myself, so the anger and frustration were built up in me, too.

I remember, at about 10 years old, noticing that sometimes she took

on the personality of the person she was with -- she'd copy other

women.....parrot their opinions as her own.....She was like a

sponge, and it bothered me even then.

I just remember figuring out that she was pretty dysfunctional in

the world. I grew immune to her displays of tears -- I knew she did

it for sympathy and as a signal for people to rush in and help/save

her.

All I knew was that I couldn't wait to leave home. I never looked

back. I just didn't know how bad it was until I got out into the

world -- really, until I found out about BPD and discovered this

board (last June), the final puzzle piece fell into place. And I'm

44 years old!

GOOD TOPIC, SHAWANA!

-Kyla

>

> Just curious. The first time I knew something wasnt right, I was

on

> my college cmapus when I was about 19 yo. I said something about

her

> breath smelling like cofee and cigs- she smoked 2 packs/day.

Anyway,

> yes, I was wrong but she went nuts. Screaming and yelling and

running

> off campus talking about how nasty I was. I n a rage. She found

her

> way from L.A to Vegas from the middle of south central LA. Then

she

> was rude to me by phone for weeks. That was the very first time.

This

> scenario has played out over 50 times over something I supposedly

did/

> said wrong.

>

> I really didnt see this behavior until I was in my 20's and swore

it

> was some depression/ anxiety issues. But, I guess it was always

there.

> Did you all notice it when you were younger or did you think all

of

> her behavior was normal when you were a kid???

>

[Guest guest]

,

May you keep finding peace in your life.

Thank you for being so honest and real about your experiences.

You keep building your confidence and the life you so deserve.

Malinda

> > > >

> > > > Just curious. The first time I knew something wasnt right, I

> > was on

> > > > my college cmapus when I was about 19 yo. I said something

about

> > her

> > > > breath smelling like cofee and cigs- she smoked 2 packs/day.

> > Anyway,

> > > > yes, I was wrong but she went nuts. Screaming and yelling and

> > running

> > > > off campus talking about how nasty I was. I n a rage. She

found

> > her

> > > > way from L.A to Vegas from the middle of south central LA.

Then

> > she

> > > > was rude to me by phone for weeks. That was the very first

time.

> > This

> > > > scenario has played out over 50 times over something I

> > supposedly did/

> > > > said wrong.

> > > >

> > > > I really didnt see this behavior until I was in my 20's and

> > swore it

> > > > was some depression/ anxiety issues. But, I guess it was

always

> > there.

> > > > Did you all notice it when you were younger or did you think

all

> > of

> > > > her behavior was normal when you were a kid???

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

>So, if we don't include spankings as young children -- instead of

>physical violence, my brother and I were subjected to rages.

my mother was physically abusive, beyond simple spanking...she broke a metal

brush hitting me with it...as well as a wooden kitchen stirring spoon...she

used to use a belt, and pretty much anything she could get her hands on. I

used to have welts all over my butt and upper legs...and a few times I had a

red hand print on my face...she also had her rages...when she just screamed

at anything that moved...you could hear her all through the house...I used

to hide in the clothes hamper to keep away from her when I was little..when

I was bigger, I'd just go to my room, outside or to the basement...she's

thrown pots at me as I'd walk by..once hit me in the ankle bone..

>the anger and frustration were built up in me, too.

thats not surprising !! I never hit anyone or any thing..but I yell when

angry...not like mother does, but it's still a bit of lost control

>I grew immune to her displays of tears -- I knew she did

it for sympathy and as a signal for people to rush in and help/save

>her.

my mother rarely cried...she'd rather scream, yell and hit/throw things

>All I knew was that I couldn't wait to leave home. I never looked

back. I just didn't know how bad it was until I got out into the

world -- really, until I found out about BPD and discovered this

>board (last June), the final puzzle piece fell into place. And I'm

44 years old!

I totally hear ya !! I went to the therapist for the first time last

year..I'm 48 !! I wish I had done this a LONG time ago !! But I hung on to

the hope mother would " come around " or the light would go on for her and

she'd see how loyal and good I really was...and then we'd have that long

lost mother/daughter relationship we never had...yeah, right, right after

pigs fly...the therapist made me realize this was never, ever going to

happen, and I need to let the little girl inside me grow up..I don't need a

mother, I'm 48 years old :-) I've survived this long without one,..

Jackie

[Guest guest]

>So, if we don't include spankings as young children -- instead of

>physical violence, my brother and I were subjected to rages.

my mother was physically abusive, beyond simple spanking...she broke a metal

brush hitting me with it...as well as a wooden kitchen stirring spoon...she

used to use a belt, and pretty much anything she could get her hands on. I

used to have welts all over my butt and upper legs...and a few times I had a

red hand print on my face...she also had her rages...when she just screamed

at anything that moved...you could hear her all through the house...I used

to hide in the clothes hamper to keep away from her when I was little..when

I was bigger, I'd just go to my room, outside or to the basement...she's

thrown pots at me as I'd walk by..once hit me in the ankle bone..

>the anger and frustration were built up in me, too.

thats not surprising !! I never hit anyone or any thing..but I yell when

angry...not like mother does, but it's still a bit of lost control

>I grew immune to her displays of tears -- I knew she did

it for sympathy and as a signal for people to rush in and help/save

>her.

my mother rarely cried...she'd rather scream, yell and hit/throw things

>All I knew was that I couldn't wait to leave home. I never looked

back. I just didn't know how bad it was until I got out into the

world -- really, until I found out about BPD and discovered this

>board (last June), the final puzzle piece fell into place. And I'm

44 years old!

I totally hear ya !! I went to the therapist for the first time last

year..I'm 48 !! I wish I had done this a LONG time ago !! But I hung on to

the hope mother would " come around " or the light would go on for her and

she'd see how loyal and good I really was...and then we'd have that long

lost mother/daughter relationship we never had...yeah, right, right after

pigs fly...the therapist made me realize this was never, ever going to

happen, and I need to let the little girl inside me grow up..I don't need a

mother, I'm 48 years old :-) I've survived this long without one,..

Jackie

[Guest guest]

I think she really does have BPD. If I think real hard, I remember

her blowing up and crying if we got lost and it was so dramatic. But

I always felt bad for her. I always thought things were my fault.

But these dramatic situations happened almost daily. I got beat bad,

but i thought i deserved it. She would be so outraged that it had to

be because of me. Now that i really think back, it was her disease.

shawana

>

> >I really didnt see this behavior until I was in my 20's and swore

it

> was some depression/ anxiety issues. But, I guess it was always

there.

> >Did you all notice it when you were younger or did you think all

of

> >her behavior was normal when you were a kid???

>

>

> WOW, maybe something else is wrong with your mother...I always

knew my

> mother wasn't quite right...she was one person in public, and a

totally

> different ( and scary) person at home. She was physically abusive

when

> wewere young, she had many rages ( and still does) that were over

nothing at

> all..and her odd behavior compared to other people...I have always

know she

> was " different " she was overly strict when I was young...she was

so

> inconsistant in her behavior, and her house hold rules changed (

without

> warning) and her punishments never fit the crime...if I was 5

minutes late

> coming home, I'd be sent to my room with no dinner and grounded

for 2

> weeks...

>

> Jackie

>

[Guest guest]

I think she really does have BPD. If I think real hard, I remember

her blowing up and crying if we got lost and it was so dramatic. But

I always felt bad for her. I always thought things were my fault.

But these dramatic situations happened almost daily. I got beat bad,

but i thought i deserved it. She would be so outraged that it had to

be because of me. Now that i really think back, it was her disease.

shawana

>

> >I really didnt see this behavior until I was in my 20's and swore

it

> was some depression/ anxiety issues. But, I guess it was always

there.

> >Did you all notice it when you were younger or did you think all

of

> >her behavior was normal when you were a kid???

>

>

> WOW, maybe something else is wrong with your mother...I always

knew my

> mother wasn't quite right...she was one person in public, and a

totally

> different ( and scary) person at home. She was physically abusive

when

> wewere young, she had many rages ( and still does) that were over

nothing at

> all..and her odd behavior compared to other people...I have always

know she

> was " different " she was overly strict when I was young...she was

so

> inconsistant in her behavior, and her house hold rules changed (

without

> warning) and her punishments never fit the crime...if I was 5

minutes late

> coming home, I'd be sent to my room with no dinner and grounded

for 2

> weeks...

>

> Jackie

>

[Guest guest]

wow. she did the whole mirroring thing too. she is with her husband

now who i actually think has npd. he is so belligerant and nasty. he

has really rubbed off on her. he is racist and it is horrible. he

calls people horrible names and now my mother says these things too.

she was always friends with everyone and now she is calling people

racial slurs using sterotypes and acting plain ignorant, like him. i

may have to avoid her for a while b/c i have just found out in 2

days that all these odd behaviors are actually symptoms?!! I dont

know what to do with this information.

> >

> > Just curious. The first time I knew something wasnt right, I

was

> on

> > my college cmapus when I was about 19 yo. I said something about

> her

> > breath smelling like cofee and cigs- she smoked 2 packs/day.

> Anyway,

> > yes, I was wrong but she went nuts. Screaming and yelling and

> running

> > off campus talking about how nasty I was. I n a rage. She found

> her

> > way from L.A to Vegas from the middle of south central LA. Then

> she

> > was rude to me by phone for weeks. That was the very first time.

> This

> > scenario has played out over 50 times over something I

supposedly

> did/

> > said wrong.

> >

> > I really didnt see this behavior until I was in my 20's and

swore

> it

> > was some depression/ anxiety issues. But, I guess it was always

> there.

> > Did you all notice it when you were younger or did you think all

> of

> > her behavior was normal when you were a kid???

> >

>

[Guest guest]

wow. she did the whole mirroring thing too. she is with her husband

now who i actually think has npd. he is so belligerant and nasty. he

has really rubbed off on her. he is racist and it is horrible. he

calls people horrible names and now my mother says these things too.

she was always friends with everyone and now she is calling people

racial slurs using sterotypes and acting plain ignorant, like him. i

may have to avoid her for a while b/c i have just found out in 2

days that all these odd behaviors are actually symptoms?!! I dont

know what to do with this information.

> >

> > Just curious. The first time I knew something wasnt right, I

was

> on

> > my college cmapus when I was about 19 yo. I said something about

> her

> > breath smelling like cofee and cigs- she smoked 2 packs/day.

> Anyway,

> > yes, I was wrong but she went nuts. Screaming and yelling and

> running

> > off campus talking about how nasty I was. I n a rage. She found

> her

> > way from L.A to Vegas from the middle of south central LA. Then

> she

> > was rude to me by phone for weeks. That was the very first time.

> This

> > scenario has played out over 50 times over something I

supposedly

> did/

> > said wrong.

> >

> > I really didnt see this behavior until I was in my 20's and

swore

> it

> > was some depression/ anxiety issues. But, I guess it was always

> there.

> > Did you all notice it when you were younger or did you think all

> of

> > her behavior was normal when you were a kid???

> >

>

[Guest guest]

OMG did I bloody ever. I can remember her coming home and I had left a

kitchen cupboard door ajar. I'd never seen anyone else's Yeti fly into

a rage over that.

I went to school in a pretty feral area. No-one else's Yeti had broken

their own kid's legs. `Discipline' was what she called that, as long

as it didn't apply to her. (I got `I'm glad my children don't play

with hers' all through school, apparently they thought she was a tad

peculiar.).

(the last time) I had friends over she was thundering around the place

in her knickers, calling them `perverted'………………….. They didn't come back.

When I had escaped to the relative tranquility of the caravan I

thought I might sneak a GF in (one of the very, very few people who

hadn't heard of Yeti's issues). *N*O*T* a wise move. she was trying to

bash the door in screaming that she knew exactly what we were doing,

calling us disgusting, she could hear `perversions', (perhaps because

we hadn't even got our gear off……….) talk about an INTERGALACTIC SCALE

MOODKILLER. She didn't come back either.

Did anyone else get neighbourhood/school gossip about how your Yeti

had MAJOR BLOODY ISSUES?

>

> Just curious. The first time I knew something wasnt right, I was on

> my college cmapus when I was about 19 yo. I said something about her

> breath smelling like cofee and cigs- she smoked 2 packs/day. Anyway,

> yes, I was wrong but she went nuts. Screaming and yelling and running

> off campus talking about how nasty I was. I n a rage. She found her

> way from L.A to Vegas from the middle of south central LA. Then she

> was rude to me by phone for weeks. That was the very first time. This

> scenario has played out over 50 times over something I supposedly did/

> said wrong.

>

> I really didnt see this behavior until I was in my 20's and swore it

> was some depression/ anxiety issues. But, I guess it was always there.

> Did you all notice it when you were younger or did you think all of

> her behavior was normal when you were a kid???

>

[Guest guest]

OMG did I bloody ever. I can remember her coming home and I had left a

kitchen cupboard door ajar. I'd never seen anyone else's Yeti fly into

a rage over that.

I went to school in a pretty feral area. No-one else's Yeti had broken

their own kid's legs. `Discipline' was what she called that, as long

as it didn't apply to her. (I got `I'm glad my children don't play

with hers' all through school, apparently they thought she was a tad

peculiar.).

(the last time) I had friends over she was thundering around the place

in her knickers, calling them `perverted'………………….. They didn't come back.

When I had escaped to the relative tranquility of the caravan I

thought I might sneak a GF in (one of the very, very few people who

hadn't heard of Yeti's issues). *N*O*T* a wise move. she was trying to

bash the door in screaming that she knew exactly what we were doing,

calling us disgusting, she could hear `perversions', (perhaps because

we hadn't even got our gear off……….) talk about an INTERGALACTIC SCALE

MOODKILLER. She didn't come back either.

Did anyone else get neighbourhood/school gossip about how your Yeti

had MAJOR BLOODY ISSUES?

>

> Just curious. The first time I knew something wasnt right, I was on

> my college cmapus when I was about 19 yo. I said something about her

> breath smelling like cofee and cigs- she smoked 2 packs/day. Anyway,

> yes, I was wrong but she went nuts. Screaming and yelling and running

> off campus talking about how nasty I was. I n a rage. She found her

> way from L.A to Vegas from the middle of south central LA. Then she

> was rude to me by phone for weeks. That was the very first time. This

> scenario has played out over 50 times over something I supposedly did/

> said wrong.

>

> I really didnt see this behavior until I was in my 20's and swore it

> was some depression/ anxiety issues. But, I guess it was always there.

> Did you all notice it when you were younger or did you think all of

> her behavior was normal when you were a kid???

>

[Guest guest]

Jackie,

I am pretty new to the group, and read all of your e-mails. This one struck a

cord with me though. My mother was extremely abusive of me too, and even

involved my younger sister in it, to the point of where my sister and I at 58

and 60 are strangers. My mother would get me down on the floor and claw the

inside of my upper legs, and the under side of my upper arms (she would ask my

sister to help hold me down) I had to go to school and strip down to my panties

and bra to put on my gym suit for gym class, and then completely strip to take a

shower after class, this was so embarrassing. I won't ever forget it and yet to

this day I am told I deserved it, or it was the only thing she could do to

control me. According to her I had temper tantrums. I don't remember.

When my father would return home (he was gone from 1-4 weeks at a time) she

would tell him her story and get him to go after me too, I was tied to a steel

post in the basement and beaten with a belt (that is a memory of my sister's)

and I was beaten otherwise. At 21, and a married woman, I was living at home

because my husband was in Viet Nam, I came home from work early on a Sat.

morning (6am) and my mother accused me of being in a motel all night with a man,

which was a total lie, and when I tried to explain the truth to my dad he hit me

in the mouth with his fist, and I still carry the scar from it. That night when

he took me to work, he found out the truth from my boss who was a good friend of

his. He never even attempted to hit me again.

3 yrs. ago Feb. after my dad's death, my mother backed me in a corner of the

kitchen and started beating on me with her fists, she had pulled my hair, and

was just crazy. My grandson pulled her off of me. At almost 89 she will still

come at me physically, and dare me to hit her back.

I have been running away from my mother since I was 18 and she keeps on

hurting me. I guess as long as we are stupid enough to keep going back we keep

getting the abuse. I am sorry for you, hopefully you will be strong enough to

walk away. My guilt is so deep that I keep going back. One of these days she

will be gone and I won't have to go back, maybe then I will have some peace.

Janie

sleddog wrote:

>So, if we don't include spankings as young children -- instead of

>physical violence, my brother and I were subjected to rages.

my mother was physically abusive, beyond simple spanking...she broke a metal

brush hitting me with it...as well as a wooden kitchen stirring spoon...she

used to use a belt, and pretty much anything she could get her hands on. I

used to have welts all over my butt and upper legs...and a few times I had a

red hand print on my face...she also had her rages...when she just screamed

at anything that moved...you could hear her all through the house...I used

to hide in the clothes hamper to keep away from her when I was little..when

I was bigger, I'd just go to my room, outside or to the basement...she's

thrown pots at me as I'd walk by..once hit me in the ankle bone..

>the anger and frustration were built up in me, too.

thats not surprising !! I never hit anyone or any thing..but I yell when

angry...not like mother does, but it's still a bit of lost control

>I grew immune to her displays of tears -- I knew she did

it for sympathy and as a signal for people to rush in and help/save

>her.

my mother rarely cried...she'd rather scream, yell and hit/throw things

>All I knew was that I couldn't wait to leave home. I never looked

back. I just didn't know how bad it was until I got out into the

world -- really, until I found out about BPD and discovered this

>board (last June), the final puzzle piece fell into place. And I'm

44 years old!

I totally hear ya !! I went to the therapist for the first time last

year..I'm 48 !! I wish I had done this a LONG time ago !! But I hung on to

the hope mother would " come around " or the light would go on for her and

she'd see how loyal and good I really was...and then we'd have that long

lost mother/daughter relationship we never had...yeah, right, right after

pigs fly...the therapist made me realize this was never, ever going to

happen, and I need to let the little girl inside me grow up..I don't need a

mother, I'm 48 years old :-) I've survived this long without one,..

Jackie

[Guest guest]

Jackie,

I am pretty new to the group, and read all of your e-mails. This one struck a

cord with me though. My mother was extremely abusive of me too, and even

involved my younger sister in it, to the point of where my sister and I at 58

and 60 are strangers. My mother would get me down on the floor and claw the

inside of my upper legs, and the under side of my upper arms (she would ask my

sister to help hold me down) I had to go to school and strip down to my panties

and bra to put on my gym suit for gym class, and then completely strip to take a

shower after class, this was so embarrassing. I won't ever forget it and yet to

this day I am told I deserved it, or it was the only thing she could do to

control me. According to her I had temper tantrums. I don't remember.

When my father would return home (he was gone from 1-4 weeks at a time) she

would tell him her story and get him to go after me too, I was tied to a steel

post in the basement and beaten with a belt (that is a memory of my sister's)

and I was beaten otherwise. At 21, and a married woman, I was living at home

because my husband was in Viet Nam, I came home from work early on a Sat.

morning (6am) and my mother accused me of being in a motel all night with a man,

which was a total lie, and when I tried to explain the truth to my dad he hit me

in the mouth with his fist, and I still carry the scar from it. That night when

he took me to work, he found out the truth from my boss who was a good friend of

his. He never even attempted to hit me again.

3 yrs. ago Feb. after my dad's death, my mother backed me in a corner of the

kitchen and started beating on me with her fists, she had pulled my hair, and

was just crazy. My grandson pulled her off of me. At almost 89 she will still

come at me physically, and dare me to hit her back.

I have been running away from my mother since I was 18 and she keeps on

hurting me. I guess as long as we are stupid enough to keep going back we keep

getting the abuse. I am sorry for you, hopefully you will be strong enough to

walk away. My guilt is so deep that I keep going back. One of these days she

will be gone and I won't have to go back, maybe then I will have some peace.

Janie

sleddog wrote:

>So, if we don't include spankings as young children -- instead of

>physical violence, my brother and I were subjected to rages.

my mother was physically abusive, beyond simple spanking...she broke a metal

brush hitting me with it...as well as a wooden kitchen stirring spoon...she

used to use a belt, and pretty much anything she could get her hands on. I

used to have welts all over my butt and upper legs...and a few times I had a

red hand print on my face...she also had her rages...when she just screamed

at anything that moved...you could hear her all through the house...I used

to hide in the clothes hamper to keep away from her when I was little..when

I was bigger, I'd just go to my room, outside or to the basement...she's

thrown pots at me as I'd walk by..once hit me in the ankle bone..

>the anger and frustration were built up in me, too.

thats not surprising !! I never hit anyone or any thing..but I yell when

angry...not like mother does, but it's still a bit of lost control

>I grew immune to her displays of tears -- I knew she did

it for sympathy and as a signal for people to rush in and help/save

>her.

my mother rarely cried...she'd rather scream, yell and hit/throw things

>All I knew was that I couldn't wait to leave home. I never looked

back. I just didn't know how bad it was until I got out into the

world -- really, until I found out about BPD and discovered this

>board (last June), the final puzzle piece fell into place. And I'm

44 years old!

I totally hear ya !! I went to the therapist for the first time last

year..I'm 48 !! I wish I had done this a LONG time ago !! But I hung on to

the hope mother would " come around " or the light would go on for her and

she'd see how loyal and good I really was...and then we'd have that long

lost mother/daughter relationship we never had...yeah, right, right after

pigs fly...the therapist made me realize this was never, ever going to

happen, and I need to let the little girl inside me grow up..I don't need a

mother, I'm 48 years old :-) I've survived this long without one,..

Jackie

[Guest guest]

I figured out in my teens that my mother was a terrible phony (in fact, that was

the precise word I used). Once I confronted her about this because it really

bothered me, since 'phony' in my mother's interpretation also meant lying to

people. She just laughed and said that when I grew up I would realize that

everyone needs to be a phony. Around men was the worst because she thought she

had to please them even at the expense of her own personality (GREAT lesson to

teach a kid!). Also, she often acted stupid to get attention/sympathy and that

really bugged me. Of course, as we all know, one should never act too

intelligent in front of a man or he will not be interested.

When I was a kid...no, I don't think I knew. Mind you, my father is also a

strange, strange case so I don't think I knew what parents were supposed to

be/do/act/ etc... Still not entirely sure that I do...

is

---------------------------------

Sucker-punch spam with award-winning protection.

Try the free Yahoo! Mail Beta.

[Guest guest]

The first memory that I have of my mom's strange moods is when I was

about 4, but it was just a deep depression or maybe the beginning of

it. Piecing together years later, apparently it was when she got news

of her biological father's death and she had to fly to another state

for the funeral. (There's a possibility that this happened after the

funeral. It was an awful experience for her.) She had picked me up

from nursery and this seems mild but it was her facial expression that

I remember. She looked so deeply hurt and she never looked at me or

said anything. There was no focus to her eyes. I sensed there was

something wrong. Just depression maybe, right? Let me explain the

significance. About 5 years later, we hooked up with my father again.

My mom was pregnant with my brother. Mom and I were alone at home

and I don't remember what happened to instigate this but she had that

same look on her face. Only this time there was desperation with it.

She attempted to kill herself, yes, when she was pregnant with my

brother and I, being 9, was the only other person home. It was as if

she didnt see me there or realize her physical state. Thus the " no

focus " or not seeing. But too, there were plenty of times since I was

4 that I've listened to and watched my mom's behavior. Mom's rage is

on her mother. If mom gets mad at me its because i'm not doing what

she wants me to do cuz apparently mom wants to live through me and I'm

her " therapist " (my word). Or so it looks like. I've come to the

conclusion that she's not logical, that somethings amiss, that mom is

different than everyone else a long time ago. I just never had a word

for it until about 3 years ago.

felicia

>

> Just curious. The first time I knew something wasnt right, I was on

> my college cmapus when I was about 19 yo. I said something about her

> breath smelling like cofee and cigs- she smoked 2 packs/day. Anyway,

> yes, I was wrong but she went nuts. Screaming and yelling and running

> off campus talking about how nasty I was. I n a rage. She found her

> way from L.A to Vegas from the middle of south central LA. Then she

> was rude to me by phone for weeks. That was the very first time. This

> scenario has played out over 50 times over something I supposedly did/

> said wrong.

>

> I really didnt see this behavior until I was in my 20's and swore it

> was some depression/ anxiety issues. But, I guess it was always there.

> Did you all notice it when you were younger or did you think all of

> her behavior was normal when you were a kid???

>

[Guest guest]

The first memory that I have of my mom's strange moods is when I was

about 4, but it was just a deep depression or maybe the beginning of

it. Piecing together years later, apparently it was when she got news

of her biological father's death and she had to fly to another state

for the funeral. (There's a possibility that this happened after the

funeral. It was an awful experience for her.) She had picked me up

from nursery and this seems mild but it was her facial expression that

I remember. She looked so deeply hurt and she never looked at me or

said anything. There was no focus to her eyes. I sensed there was

something wrong. Just depression maybe, right? Let me explain the

significance. About 5 years later, we hooked up with my father again.

My mom was pregnant with my brother. Mom and I were alone at home

and I don't remember what happened to instigate this but she had that

same look on her face. Only this time there was desperation with it.

She attempted to kill herself, yes, when she was pregnant with my

brother and I, being 9, was the only other person home. It was as if

she didnt see me there or realize her physical state. Thus the " no

focus " or not seeing. But too, there were plenty of times since I was

4 that I've listened to and watched my mom's behavior. Mom's rage is

on her mother. If mom gets mad at me its because i'm not doing what

she wants me to do cuz apparently mom wants to live through me and I'm

her " therapist " (my word). Or so it looks like. I've come to the

conclusion that she's not logical, that somethings amiss, that mom is

different than everyone else a long time ago. I just never had a word

for it until about 3 years ago.

felicia

>

> Just curious. The first time I knew something wasnt right, I was on

> my college cmapus when I was about 19 yo. I said something about her

> breath smelling like cofee and cigs- she smoked 2 packs/day. Anyway,

> yes, I was wrong but she went nuts. Screaming and yelling and running

> off campus talking about how nasty I was. I n a rage. She found her

> way from L.A to Vegas from the middle of south central LA. Then she

> was rude to me by phone for weeks. That was the very first time. This

> scenario has played out over 50 times over something I supposedly did/

> said wrong.

>

> I really didnt see this behavior until I was in my 20's and swore it

> was some depression/ anxiety issues. But, I guess it was always there.

> Did you all notice it when you were younger or did you think all of

> her behavior was normal when you were a kid???

>

[Guest guest]

Jackie,

Yes, I feel the same way too. Sometimes someone will ask me if I

could reconcile with her. My answer is similar to yours. Why? I

don't need a mother now. I don't like the person she is, and I do

get retraumatized when I am around her.

Sylvia

....... I went to the therapist for the first time last

> year..I'm 48 !! I wish I had done this a LONG time ago !! But I

hung on to

> the hope mother would " come around " or the light would go on for

her and

> she'd see how loyal and good I really was...and then we'd have

that long

> lost mother/daughter relationship we never had...yeah, right,

right after

> pigs fly...the therapist made me realize this was never, ever

going to

> happen, and I need to let the little girl inside me grow up..I

don't need a

> mother, I'm 48 years old :-) I've survived this long without one,..

>

> Jackie

>

[Guest guest]

Jackie,

Yes, I feel the same way too. Sometimes someone will ask me if I

could reconcile with her. My answer is similar to yours. Why? I

don't need a mother now. I don't like the person she is, and I do

get retraumatized when I am around her.

Sylvia

....... I went to the therapist for the first time last

> year..I'm 48 !! I wish I had done this a LONG time ago !! But I

hung on to

> the hope mother would " come around " or the light would go on for

her and

> she'd see how loyal and good I really was...and then we'd have

that long

> lost mother/daughter relationship we never had...yeah, right,

right after

> pigs fly...the therapist made me realize this was never, ever

going to

> happen, and I need to let the little girl inside me grow up..I

don't need a

> mother, I'm 48 years old :-) I've survived this long without one,..

>

> Jackie

>

[Guest guest]

I am so sorry Jackie and I know this is hard. But, you don't /have/ to

go back now; not under the same circumstance. The one thing you /have/

to do - is to take care of yourself. You deserve that.

White wrote:

> Jackie,

>

> I am pretty new to the group, and read all of your e-mails. This one

> struck a cord with me though. My mother was extremely abusive of me

> too, and even involved my younger sister in it, to the point of where

> my sister and I at 58 and 60 are strangers. My mother would get me

> down on the floor and claw the inside of my upper legs, and the under

> side of my upper arms (she would ask my sister to help hold me down) I

> had to go to school and strip down to my panties and bra to put on my

> gym suit for gym class, and then completely strip to take a shower

> after class, this was so embarrassing. I won't ever forget it and yet

> to this day I am told I deserved it, or it was the only thing she

> could do to control me. According to her I had temper tantrums. I

> don't remember.

>

> When my father would return home (he was gone from 1-4 weeks at a

> time) she would tell him her story and get him to go after me too, I

> was tied to a steel post in the basement and beaten with a belt (that

> is a memory of my sister's) and I was beaten otherwise. At 21, and a

> married woman, I was living at home because my husband was in Viet

> Nam, I came home from work early on a Sat. morning (6am) and my mother

> accused me of being in a motel all night with a man, which was a total

> lie, and when I tried to explain the truth to my dad he hit me in the

> mouth with his fist, and I still carry the scar from it. That night

> when he took me to work, he found out the truth from my boss who was a

> good friend of his. He never even attempted to hit me again.

>

> 3 yrs. ago Feb. after my dad's death, my mother backed me in a corner

> of the kitchen and started beating on me with her fists, she had

> pulled my hair, and was just crazy. My grandson pulled her off of me.

> At almost 89 she will still come at me physically, and dare me to hit

> her back.

>

> I have been running away from my mother since I was 18 and she keeps

> on hurting me. I guess as long as we are stupid enough to keep going

> back we keep getting the abuse. I am sorry for you, hopefully you will

> be strong enough to walk away. My guilt is so deep that I keep going

> back. One of these days she will be gone and I won't have to go back,

> maybe then I will have some peace.

>

> Janie

>

> sleddog <sleddog@... <mailto:sleddog%40adams.net>> wrote:

> >So, if we don't include spankings as young children -- instead of

> >physical violence, my brother and I were subjected to rages.

>

> my mother was physically abusive, beyond simple spanking...she broke a

> metal

> brush hitting me with it...as well as a wooden kitchen stirring

> spoon...she

> used to use a belt, and pretty much anything she could get her hands

> on. I

> used to have welts all over my butt and upper legs...and a few times I

> had a

> red hand print on my face...she also had her rages...when she just

> screamed

> at anything that moved...you could hear her all through the house...I

> used

> to hide in the clothes hamper to keep away from her when I was

> little..when

> I was bigger, I'd just go to my room, outside or to the basement...she's

> thrown pots at me as I'd walk by..once hit me in the ankle bone..

>

> >the anger and frustration were built up in me, too.

>

> thats not surprising !! I never hit anyone or any thing..but I yell when

> angry...not like mother does, but it's still a bit of lost control

>

> >I grew immune to her displays of tears -- I knew she did

> it for sympathy and as a signal for people to rush in and help/save

> >her.

>

> my mother rarely cried...she'd rather scream, yell and hit/throw things

>

> >All I knew was that I couldn't wait to leave home. I never looked

> back. I just didn't know how bad it was until I got out into the

> world -- really, until I found out about BPD and discovered this

> >board (last June), the final puzzle piece fell into place. And I'm

> 44 years old!

>

> I totally hear ya !! I went to the therapist for the first time last

> year..I'm 48 !! I wish I had done this a LONG time ago !! But I hung

> on to

> the hope mother would " come around " or the light would go on for her and

> she'd see how loyal and good I really was...and then we'd have that long

> lost mother/daughter relationship we never had...yeah, right, right after

> pigs fly...the therapist made me realize this was never, ever going to

> happen, and I need to let the little girl inside me grow up..I don't

> need a

> mother, I'm 48 years old :-) I've survived this long without one,..

>

> Jackie

>

>

[Guest guest]

What a good question. As a kid, I knew that other mothers didn't

act the same way as mine, but I wasn't astute enough to realize she

was 'different'. I thought that these other mothers just knew

something my nada didn't, and that knowledge enabled them to act

differently. I did know that she was extremely unhappy, and thought

that her reactions to many things stemmed from her unhappiness, and

not the actual event. But I thought that there was something that

someone (possibly me) could do that would make her understand that

she was loved by her husband and children, and that she didn't have

to be so upset and disappointed with us all the time.

Other than that, I didn't really compare her to anyone else - or

anyone else to her. My energy was just focused on how to behave

when she was upset, and when she wasn't, how to behave so she

wouldn't get upset. I was an extremely unhappy and depressed child.

As a freshman in college, I could finally verbalize and grasp the

concept that I was not responsible for her happiness. This was a

big event for me. It took me many, many, many more years, however,

to take this intellectual concept and apply it to my feelings.

Sylvia

>

> Just curious. The first time I knew something wasnt right, I was

on

> my college cmapus when I was about 19 yo. I said something about

her

> breath smelling like cofee and cigs- she smoked 2 packs/day.

Anyway,

> yes, I was wrong but she went nuts. Screaming and yelling and

running

> off campus talking about how nasty I was. I n a rage. She found

her

> way from L.A to Vegas from the middle of south central LA. Then

she

> was rude to me by phone for weeks. That was the very first time.

This

> scenario has played out over 50 times over something I supposedly

did/

> said wrong.

>

> I really didnt see this behavior until I was in my 20's and swore

it

> was some depression/ anxiety issues. But, I guess it was always

there.

> Did you all notice it when you were younger or did you think all

of

> her behavior was normal when you were a kid???

>

[Guest guest]

What a good question. As a kid, I knew that other mothers didn't

act the same way as mine, but I wasn't astute enough to realize she

was 'different'. I thought that these other mothers just knew

something my nada didn't, and that knowledge enabled them to act

differently. I did know that she was extremely unhappy, and thought

that her reactions to many things stemmed from her unhappiness, and

not the actual event. But I thought that there was something that

someone (possibly me) could do that would make her understand that

she was loved by her husband and children, and that she didn't have

to be so upset and disappointed with us all the time.

Other than that, I didn't really compare her to anyone else - or

anyone else to her. My energy was just focused on how to behave

when she was upset, and when she wasn't, how to behave so she

wouldn't get upset. I was an extremely unhappy and depressed child.

As a freshman in college, I could finally verbalize and grasp the

concept that I was not responsible for her happiness. This was a

big event for me. It took me many, many, many more years, however,

to take this intellectual concept and apply it to my feelings.

Sylvia

>

> Just curious. The first time I knew something wasnt right, I was

on

> my college cmapus when I was about 19 yo. I said something about

her

> breath smelling like cofee and cigs- she smoked 2 packs/day.

Anyway,

> yes, I was wrong but she went nuts. Screaming and yelling and

running

> off campus talking about how nasty I was. I n a rage. She found

her

> way from L.A to Vegas from the middle of south central LA. Then

she

> was rude to me by phone for weeks. That was the very first time.

This

> scenario has played out over 50 times over something I supposedly

did/

> said wrong.

>

> I really didnt see this behavior until I was in my 20's and swore

it

> was some depression/ anxiety issues. But, I guess it was always

there.

> Did you all notice it when you were younger or did you think all

of

> her behavior was normal when you were a kid???

>