Re: What is Reality?

[Guest guest]

Remember to base your reality on your truths about you.

A BP mother will rarely if ever validate your feelings or your

realities. It is always about their feelings and their version of the

reality.

The relationship with a BP is so difficult, and can and does drain

you. Sometimes we frustrate ourselves trying to understand the

craziness of it all. Does anyone really understand crazy? I have

frustrated myself over and over again trying to figure why my mother

says and does what she does. Your feelings are normal, when you are

dealing with a BP.

It does sound like your mother's response was about her, and she

mixed a little guilt in there, which either gets me back, or angers

me,when my nada does that to me.

It sounds like you have a great husband who loves and understands,

what a blessing in your life.

I can't tell you your mother will ever love you the way you want to

be loved, but you can love you the way you deserve to be loved.

This is NOT being needy. You spent your entire childhood not having

your feeling validated, and you just need to hear again, YOU are ok

and it will be ok. That is why we are here.

The effects of living with a BP parent cause us to doubt our feelings

and most importantly who we are.

Stay strong and healthy,

Blessings,

Malinda

>

> I'm in a bad place right now; my husband is out of town, and he's

my

> rock, my barometer of what is normal and what is Oz. I had an

episode

> a few weeks ago with my mom about my daughter's birthday party, and

> we were on a break for awhile, and then I started to feel like I

had

> to be a grown up and reach out to her (with boundaries) and after a

> couple of tries I get this email:

>

> " If there is something you wanted to say to me I will listen but I

> really do not have much to say. There are numerous people that can

> do no wrong in your eyes, even when they are, and I just can't do

> anything right, in your eyes, even when I try. That is why I have

> decided to pretty much say as little as possible. I just want

peace

> in my life around those people who really do like me and think I am

a

> nice person. I don't want you to think I am angry, I am not. Mom "

>

> I don't know if I'm coming or going anymore. Just when I think I'm

> getting a handle on how to protect myself and understand her issues

I

> realize I don't have a clue. This is ground we've covered so many

> times before.

>

> Sorry to be so needy but nobody else in my life understands this.

So

> many of you have written me such thoughtful letters already, you

may

> think your words fell on deaf ears. They didn't, I just can't quite

> get this all sorted out. How can we both see things so differently?

> How can we both feel the other can never love us no matter what we

> do?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

You both see things so differently because -- in my opinion, BPs

NEVER acknowledge that they might be part of the problem. They are

so fragile inside they have to project all of the bad onto you.

Otherwise, they might have to look inward, and the thought of that

terrifies them. It's as if they know they're a house of cards

inside, so they don't EVEN go there.

That's why it's always someone else's fault -- That's why it's

fruitless to try to argue your point with them.

Unlike more balanced relationships where both parties are willing to

consider their part in the conflict, a BPs emotional survival lies

in putting all of the dysfunction into one lap -- yours.

Keep coming here for support. Keep looking into it, keep digging

for more information. You're on the right track. You'll get there

and you'll be OK.

-kyla

>

> I'm in a bad place right now; my husband is out of town, and he's

my

> rock, my barometer of what is normal and what is Oz. I had an

episode

> a few weeks ago with my mom about my daughter's birthday party,

and

> we were on a break for awhile, and then I started to feel like I

had

> to be a grown up and reach out to her (with boundaries) and after

a

> couple of tries I get this email:

>

> " If there is something you wanted to say to me I will listen but I

> really do not have much to say. There are numerous people that

can

> do no wrong in your eyes, even when they are, and I just can't do

> anything right, in your eyes, even when I try. That is why I have

> decided to pretty much say as little as possible. I just want

peace

> in my life around those people who really do like me and think I

am a

> nice person. I don't want you to think I am angry, I am not.

Mom "

>

> I don't know if I'm coming or going anymore. Just when I think I'm

> getting a handle on how to protect myself and understand her

issues I

> realize I don't have a clue. This is ground we've covered so many

> times before.

>

> Sorry to be so needy but nobody else in my life understands this.

So

> many of you have written me such thoughtful letters already, you

may

> think your words fell on deaf ears. They didn't, I just can't

quite

> get this all sorted out. How can we both see things so

differently?

> How can we both feel the other can never love us no matter what we

> do?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time.

You both feel that the other is unloving because with her, you can

never love your mom enough to make her happy. I realized this after

my moms death that no matter what anyone did, there was never enough

love for her-not from anyone. She had a friend that completely gave

up his life to " serve " her and I mean that literally. He did

everything for her and was always available to her and it still

wasn't enough. If you like, read my post and others from last week

on " Guilt and forgiveness " - I think thats what the post was- it was

guilt and something. That may help some.

As for your feelings, you have to remember that your mom is incapable

of validating you. BPs are too self centered to really truly love

someone else. My mom told me she loved me all the time, but her

selfish actions negated her saying this. I knew she loved me as best

she could, or as best as she was able, but it was not the kind of

parental love I needed. I was always her parent, I always had to be

there for her, and I remember very few times she was actually there

for me.

I think you really have to remember your moms limitations and not

expect her to be able to fulfill your needs on any level. Your needs

are now up to you to satisfy and hopefully your husband, friends, and

other family can be there to help and love you.

It always hurts to not get what we need from our parents, but its a

fact of life with BPs. I hope this helps.

>

> I'm in a bad place right now; my husband is out of town, and he's

my

> rock, my barometer of what is normal and what is Oz. I had an

episode

> a few weeks ago with my mom about my daughter's birthday party, and

> we were on a break for awhile, and then I started to feel like I

had

> to be a grown up and reach out to her (with boundaries) and after a

> couple of tries I get this email:

>

> " If there is something you wanted to say to me I will listen but I

> really do not have much to say. There are numerous people that can

> do no wrong in your eyes, even when they are, and I just can't do

> anything right, in your eyes, even when I try. That is why I have

> decided to pretty much say as little as possible. I just want

peace

> in my life around those people who really do like me and think I am

a

> nice person. I don't want you to think I am angry, I am not. Mom "

>

> I don't know if I'm coming or going anymore. Just when I think I'm

> getting a handle on how to protect myself and understand her issues

I

> realize I don't have a clue. This is ground we've covered so many

> times before.

>

> Sorry to be so needy but nobody else in my life understands this.

So

> many of you have written me such thoughtful letters already, you

may

> think your words fell on deaf ears. They didn't, I just can't quite

> get this all sorted out. How can we both see things so differently?

> How can we both feel the other can never love us no matter what we

> do?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

: sorry for being needy.?? my goodness how many times have i felt that

way? as bpd children most of us are probably parentified children. always

taking care of her needs, the suicide watches, the " i can't be smarter than her "

watches, and taking care of others. i took care of my little sister. i got

potty trained at 12 months (prob. with some spanking.) so i had to potty train

my little sister at 12 months. in fact i have to apologize to her about that.

i was like her mommy. we are doing so much for others that we forget about

getting our needs met. sometimes we cry for others more than we cry for

ourselves. gosh, i wish i could give you a big hug. please repeat this to

yourself:

I AM A GOOD DAUGHTER

I AM A GOOD MOMMY

I AM A GOOD AND BEAUTIFUL PERSON

wishing you the very best, blessings, V.

What is Reality?

I'm in a bad place right now; my husband is out of town, and he's my

rock, my barometer of what is normal and what is Oz. I had an episode

a few weeks ago with my mom about my daughter's birthday party, and

we were on a break for awhile, and then I started to feel like I had

to be a grown up and reach out to her (with boundaries) and after a

couple of tries I get this email:

" If there is something you wanted to say to me I will listen but I

really do not have much to say. There are numerous people that can

do no wrong in your eyes, even when they are, and I just can't do

anything right, in your eyes, even when I try. That is why I have

decided to pretty much say as little as possible. I just want peace

in my life around those people who really do like me and think I am a

nice person. I don't want you to think I am angry, I am not. Mom "

I don't know if I'm coming or going anymore. Just when I think I'm

getting a handle on how to protect myself and understand her issues I

realize I don't have a clue. This is ground we've covered so many

times before.

Sorry to be so needy but nobody else in my life understands this. So

many of you have written me such thoughtful letters already, you may

think your words fell on deaf ears. They didn't, I just can't quite

get this all sorted out. How can we both see things so differently?

How can we both feel the other can never love us no matter what we

do?

[Guest guest]

,

I feel so much for you (typical KO huh? LOL). I have been there so

many times!

Let me do my best at translating her msg for you.

If there is something you wanted to say to me I will listen but I

really do not have much to say.

>I can't listen to you and I don't know what you wanted to tell me

because I'm to busy trying to figure out what I have to say to you

if anything. (It's all about me.)

There are numerous people that can

do no wrong in your eyes, even when they are, and I just can't do

anything right, in your eyes, even when I try.

>How terrible of you to be so accepting of everyone (even those who

hurt me) except me! Don't you know everything you do is all about

me!?

That is why I have

decided to pretty much say as little as possible.

>I'm giving you the silent treatment until you can figure out how to

fill all of the needs I don't know I have.

I just want peace

>I'm in pain...

in my life around those people who really do like me and think I am a

nice person.

>I don't like you because you don't like me. I don't trust you

because I secretly judge myself for wanting too much from you and

you act as though I do.

I don't want you to think I am angry, I am not. Mom "

>I don't know what emotion to feel around this, but for argument

sake let's not call my anger...anger. Why don't you guess how I

feel? You should really know by now, shouldn't you? If you really

cared about me?

Did my secret BPD decoder ring work?

warmly,

a

>

> I'm in a bad place right now; my husband is out of town, and he's

my

> rock, my barometer of what is normal and what is Oz. I had an

episode

> a few weeks ago with my mom about my daughter's birthday party,

and

> we were on a break for awhile, and then I started to feel like I

had

> to be a grown up and reach out to her (with boundaries) and after

a

> couple of tries I get this email:

>

> " If there is something you wanted to say to me I will listen but I

> really do not have much to say. There are numerous people that

can

> do no wrong in your eyes, even when they are, and I just can't do

> anything right, in your eyes, even when I try. That is why I have

> decided to pretty much say as little as possible. I just want

peace

> in my life around those people who really do like me and think I

am a

> nice person. I don't want you to think I am angry, I am not.

Mom "

>

> I don't know if I'm coming or going anymore. Just when I think I'm

> getting a handle on how to protect myself and understand her

issues I

> realize I don't have a clue. This is ground we've covered so many

> times before.

>

> Sorry to be so needy but nobody else in my life understands this.

So

> many of you have written me such thoughtful letters already, you

may

> think your words fell on deaf ears. They didn't, I just can't

quite

> get this all sorted out. How can we both see things so

differently?

> How can we both feel the other can never love us no matter what we

> do?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I feel like a completely different person than I did 24 hours ago. I

woke up feeling exhausted and blue this morning, but I got out in the

yard today and did some good hard work. A little bit of tension left

me with each shovelful of dirt, while my son puttered around with his

trowel and got happily dirty.

Thank you to everyone who responded and supported me. As I read your

words throughout the day there were lots of tears of gratitude to

have my needs and worth affirmed. I needed to hear that. Funny how

people who don't know me can tell me that but my own mom can't. BPD

sucks.

In case anyone is interested, I responded this morning to that guilt-

laden email she sent me last night with this:

" Mom: I have started working on a cognitive behavior therapy workbook

called Thoughts and Feelings: Taking Control of Your Moods and Your

Life, to help me do better with my end of our conflicts. I can see

that I tend to believe I know what you are thinking and overreact.

Please no more emails like this. "

She wrote back this afternoon:

" See...you are telling me what I can and cannot write. This is why

saying nothing seems the best option. Me "

This evening I wrote back:

" I was asking…requesting. Write what you like.

I'm declaring a zero-tolerance policy for myself on any more stewing,

crying, and lost sleep over this. No more mental rebuttals and

letters composed and not sent. We are what we are, and this will be

my last email on the subject. If I have anything else to add that is

useful and/or necessary I will call you and leave a message or talk

to you if you pick up.

I hope to see you at Easter. We will be up there Thursday evening to

Sunday night, and the party is on Saturday, of course. S. and family

are coming up, too, and we're going to try to take all the kids to

the park if the weather is nice. I'll let you know when we're going

if you'd like to join us.

Z. is on the verge of taking her first steps. I could swear she was

trying to say the word " sock " when I was getting her ready for bed

tonight. L. is potty training and thought " potty train " was something

that rode on tracks. We bought him a new train for his set and call

it his potty train.

Night. "

Thanks, sisters.

[Guest guest]

I want a secret decoder ring too!!!! What great translations, a!

baast2play wrote: ,

I feel so much for you (typical KO huh? LOL). I have been there so

many times!

Let me do my best at translating her msg for you.

If there is something you wanted to say to me I will listen but I

really do not have much to say.

>I can't listen to you and I don't know what you wanted to tell me

because I'm to busy trying to figure out what I have to say to you

if anything. (It's all about me.)

There are numerous people that can

do no wrong in your eyes, even when they are, and I just can't do

anything right, in your eyes, even when I try.

>How terrible of you to be so accepting of everyone (even those who

hurt me) except me! Don't you know everything you do is all about

me!?

That is why I have

decided to pretty much say as little as possible.

>I'm giving you the silent treatment until you can figure out how to

fill all of the needs I don't know I have.

I just want peace

>I'm in pain...

in my life around those people who really do like me and think I am a

nice person.

>I don't like you because you don't like me. I don't trust you

because I secretly judge myself for wanting too much from you and

you act as though I do.

I don't want you to think I am angry, I am not. Mom "

>I don't know what emotion to feel around this, but for argument

sake let's not call my anger...anger. Why don't you guess how I

feel? You should really know by now, shouldn't you? If you really

cared about me?

Did my secret BPD decoder ring work?

warmly,

a

>

> I'm in a bad place right now; my husband is out of town, and he's

my

> rock, my barometer of what is normal and what is Oz. I had an

episode

> a few weeks ago with my mom about my daughter's birthday party,

and

> we were on a break for awhile, and then I started to feel like I

had

> to be a grown up and reach out to her (with boundaries) and after

a

> couple of tries I get this email:

>

> " If there is something you wanted to say to me I will listen but I

> really do not have much to say. There are numerous people that

can

> do no wrong in your eyes, even when they are, and I just can't do

> anything right, in your eyes, even when I try. That is why I have

> decided to pretty much say as little as possible. I just want

peace

> in my life around those people who really do like me and think I

am a

> nice person. I don't want you to think I am angry, I am not.

Mom "

>

> I don't know if I'm coming or going anymore. Just when I think I'm

> getting a handle on how to protect myself and understand her

issues I

> realize I don't have a clue. This is ground we've covered so many

> times before.

>

> Sorry to be so needy but nobody else in my life understands this.

So

> many of you have written me such thoughtful letters already, you

may

> think your words fell on deaf ears. They didn't, I just can't

quite

> get this all sorted out. How can we both see things so

differently?

> How can we both feel the other can never love us no matter what we

> do?

>

>

>

---------------------------------

We won't tell. Get more on shows you hate to love

(and love to hate): Yahoo! TV's Guilty Pleasures list.

[Guest guest]

I second that. My Cognitive Behavior Therapy workbook has a section

on Mind Reading, the habit of reading a bunch of stuff into

everything she says or writes. It so easy to do with Nadas...having

grown up learning the language, we are fluent. And they expect us to

be.

> >

> > I'm in a bad place right now; my husband is out of town, and he's

> my

> > rock, my barometer of what is normal and what is Oz. I had an

> episode

> > a few weeks ago with my mom about my daughter's birthday party,

> and

> > we were on a break for awhile, and then I started to feel like I

> had

> > to be a grown up and reach out to her (with boundaries) and after

> a

> > couple of tries I get this email:

> >

> > " If there is something you wanted to say to me I will listen but

I

> > really do not have much to say. There are numerous people that

> can

> > do no wrong in your eyes, even when they are, and I just can't do

> > anything right, in your eyes, even when I try. That is why I have

> > decided to pretty much say as little as possible. I just want

> peace

> > in my life around those people who really do like me and think I

> am a

> > nice person. I don't want you to think I am angry, I am not.

> Mom "

> >

> > I don't know if I'm coming or going anymore. Just when I think

I'm

> > getting a handle on how to protect myself and understand her

> issues I

> > realize I don't have a clue. This is ground we've covered so many

> > times before.

> >

> > Sorry to be so needy but nobody else in my life understands this.

> So

> > many of you have written me such thoughtful letters already, you

> may

> > think your words fell on deaf ears. They didn't, I just can't

> quite

> > get this all sorted out. How can we both see things so

> differently?

> > How can we both feel the other can never love us no matter what

we

> > do?

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> We won't tell. Get more on shows you hate to love

> (and love to hate): Yahoo! TV's Guilty Pleasures list.

>

>