Re: More Than A Puppet...A matted down old Door Mat

[Guest guest]

I think our moms all sabotaged our success because it threatened

their security and kicked in their fear of abandonment. Most parents

want their kids to be independent and successful, but I think BPD

parents want us to be completely dependant on them and never leave

them. They say they want us to do well, but what they mean is do

well as long as it doesn't affect them. It's always about them,

right!

I'm so sorry about your birthday party, I know that really hurt. I

had a similar experience on one birthday.

I really wanted a slumber party for my 13th birthday- I should have

known better- I turned 13 on a Friday the 13th! My mom agreed to the

party and we went and had pizza first. My mom got so drunk at the

pizza place that she passed out when we got home. This was in Nov.

and something was wrong with our heat and I couldn't wake her up to

fix it. All of my friends were freezing and kept asking me why I

couldn't get my mom up to help. That was my last birthday party ever.

I felt very alone until I found this group, it still amazes and

saddens me there are so many of us. I had no clue there were others

like me or people out there who understood. Welcome!

>

> Oh, my gosh! It is so fascinating to come in to this forum and

> read other people's words...as they are describing my mother. For

> years I felt so completely all alone in this nightmare growing up.

>

> Everything you have said is true of her. The worst was that She'd

> sabatoge every success I was on the verge of. It caused an extreme

> amount of pain in my life. An example was when I was in high

school

> and had worked so hard and was chosen to be the school majorette at

> which time they'd promised me my own coach. I was so excited! I

> was on cloud nine. Then, without warning, my mother refused to

> sign the permission slips or let me participate. This type of

thing

> continued over and over again. If she felt it was something that I

> really wanted to do, then she'd take the opportunity away. Then

> she'd say to me " oh, that's too bad. I think you could have been

> good at that! " I was so beaten down by her. I had literally no

> self worth at all. The message was that if there was anything

that

> I really wanted in life, or wanted to experience or achieve....that

> I was bad or somehow flawed and I didn't deserve it..I didn't

> deserve to achieve anything. After being told this so many times,

> one begins to believe it. I remember giving up and nearly flunking

> out of high school. I just went into my own little dreams to make

> me feel better about myself.

>

> Looking back this all started very young in my life. I remember

> really wanting a birthday party like the other children. All my

> mother cared about is that I wore a dress and looked better than

the

> other children who came. I must have been six years old. She

> hadn't planned anything. She kept talking on the telephone. One

by

> one the other little children left telling me what a stupid party I

> had. I cried and cried. After that I never asked for another

> party. It really hurt me that everyone thought my party was so

> stupid and I blamed myself for years. Now I realize that it was my

> mother's lack of caring that I had a descent party and not my own

> stupidity. I was too young to plan my own party. I felt pretty

> worthless even then.

>

[Guest guest]

kristin --

I think you're onto something there. Well put. I remember when I

went off to college, I was basically a mess personally. She sent me

money every week. Once, when my little brother wrote me a letter

and kindly put in $10 of his own money, my mother deducted that from

what SHE sent me! Totally wiped out his generosity!

Anyway, while I was in college, she kept asking me " Do you REALLY

want to go to college? " I always thought that was kind of odd --

almost like she was hoping I'd fail like she did. (she claims she

went for 2 years, but I don't believe that. She is NOT a student of

any kind.)

Anyway -- I did end up flunking out, but went back at the urging of

my boyfriend (now husband!). He encouraged me, even paid for most

of it.

When I FINALLY graduated 9 years after high school, my nada's father

had a heart attack and was having bypass surgery. Of course, my

nada had to rush to his side, even though she left early -- before

the surgery. That meant she missed my college graduation.

I remember thinking at the time " Well, she could have flown out the

next morning after my graduation " -- but, in the FOG, I assumed that

I was wrong to think that -- that she HAD to rush to his side.

Everyone else -- my friends, my fiance, even my FADA! -- thought

otherwise. I thought they were being mean. After all, her father

had a heart attack! But, apparently even my fada tried to convince

her that she should stay long enough to attend, and then fly out the

next day. She was adamant and they had a big fight about it. She

even called her therapist because of it.

So, I can tell by all of that that she had time to do both and did

not choose me. I think the attention being on me was too much for

her -- here I was achieving something in life beyond what she had

done. (Being a waif, she hadn't achieved much) I was passing her.

Not only that, but she absolutely despised her father in law (30

year grudge -- sound familiar?) and he was coming

I made excuses for her then, but now I think that a more caring

mother would have said to herself " Well, there's no way I'm missing

my daughter's graduation. I can fly up and help out with my dad

AFTER the graduation. " The world would not have ended if she had

just gotten updates by phone about grandpa, and then joined them

later.

A few years later, I had to squelch announcing my engagement because

it would upset her. I was deprived of that happy, family

celebration, too. Eggshells everywhere!!!

Same song, different verse.....

My grandfather ended up living another 5 years. In a sad irony, at

his last Christmas, he pulled me aside and said he was so sorry that

it was because of him that my graduation was messed up. He WAS a

college graduate (law school, too) and always encouraged me to get

higher education. I was touched that he even knew all of that went

on during his health crisis. After that I realized that even HE

would have wanted my nada to stay for the graduation -- almost as a

representative of him.

-Kyla

> >

> > Oh, my gosh! It is so fascinating to come in to this forum and

> > read other people's words...as they are describing my mother.

For

> > years I felt so completely all alone in this nightmare growing

up.

> >

> > Everything you have said is true of her. The worst was that

She'd

> > sabatoge every success I was on the verge of. It caused an

extreme

> > amount of pain in my life. An example was when I was in high

> school

> > and had worked so hard and was chosen to be the school majorette

at

> > which time they'd promised me my own coach. I was so excited!

I

> > was on cloud nine. Then, without warning, my mother refused

to

> > sign the permission slips or let me participate. This type of

> thing

> > continued over and over again. If she felt it was something

that I

> > really wanted to do, then she'd take the opportunity away.

Then

> > she'd say to me " oh, that's too bad. I think you could have

been

> > good at that! " I was so beaten down by her. I had literally

no

> > self worth at all. The message was that if there was anything

> that

> > I really wanted in life, or wanted to experience or

achieve....that

> > I was bad or somehow flawed and I didn't deserve it..I didn't

> > deserve to achieve anything. After being told this so many

times,

> > one begins to believe it. I remember giving up and nearly

flunking

> > out of high school. I just went into my own little dreams to

make

> > me feel better about myself.

> >

> > Looking back this all started very young in my life. I remember

> > really wanting a birthday party like the other children. All my

> > mother cared about is that I wore a dress and looked better than

> the

> > other children who came. I must have been six years old. She

> > hadn't planned anything. She kept talking on the telephone.

One

> by

> > one the other little children left telling me what a stupid

party I

> > had. I cried and cried. After that I never asked for another

> > party. It really hurt me that everyone thought my party was so

> > stupid and I blamed myself for years. Now I realize that it was

my

> > mother's lack of caring that I had a descent party and not my

own

> > stupidity. I was too young to plan my own party. I felt pretty

> > worthless even then.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

friendsofcam:

That is such a sad birthday story. Time after time on this board,

we've seen examples of the BPDs extreme self-centeredness. They

can't even put themselves out and take joy in the fact that they're

making a child excited about their birthday.

Is there anything more heartwarming that seeing your child enjoy

him/herself at a fun birthday party? Apparently, the BPD can't

stand to see joy in a child's face. Because they no longer have

that light of joyful innocence in their own eyes, they seek to

vanquish it in their own child.

It's a threat to see their child happy, when they're so unhappy.

It's as if they're saying " How dare you be happy when I'm so

miserable! Let me squelch that for you. " It seems we all

eventually have the light shut off, and do what we can to survive.

Sorry that happened to you.

{hugs}

Kyla

>

> Oh, my gosh! It is so fascinating to come in to this forum and

> read other people's words...as they are describing my mother. For

> years I felt so completely all alone in this nightmare growing up.

>

> Everything you have said is true of her. The worst was that She'd

> sabatoge every success I was on the verge of. It caused an

extreme

> amount of pain in my life. An example was when I was in high

school

> and had worked so hard and was chosen to be the school majorette

at

> which time they'd promised me my own coach. I was so excited! I

> was on cloud nine. Then, without warning, my mother refused to

> sign the permission slips or let me participate. This type of

thing

> continued over and over again. If she felt it was something that

I

> really wanted to do, then she'd take the opportunity away. Then

> she'd say to me " oh, that's too bad. I think you could have been

> good at that! " I was so beaten down by her. I had literally no

> self worth at all. The message was that if there was anything

that

> I really wanted in life, or wanted to experience or

achieve....that

> I was bad or somehow flawed and I didn't deserve it..I didn't

> deserve to achieve anything. After being told this so many

times,

> one begins to believe it. I remember giving up and nearly

flunking

> out of high school. I just went into my own little dreams to make

> me feel better about myself.

>

> Looking back this all started very young in my life. I remember

> really wanting a birthday party like the other children. All my

> mother cared about is that I wore a dress and looked better than

the

> other children who came. I must have been six years old. She

> hadn't planned anything. She kept talking on the telephone. One

by

> one the other little children left telling me what a stupid party

I

> had. I cried and cried. After that I never asked for another

> party. It really hurt me that everyone thought my party was so

> stupid and I blamed myself for years. Now I realize that it was

my

> mother's lack of caring that I had a descent party and not my own

> stupidity. I was too young to plan my own party. I felt pretty

> worthless even then.

>

[Guest guest]

kristin -- P.S. Sorry about your birthday story, too. I can totally

relate to that. I can remember being 13 and my own daughter is now

12 -- there's no way they don't notice what's going on, and at the

same time, acutely self-conscious in front of their friends. That

must have been awful for you to suffer that in front of them.

{hugs}

Kyla

> >

> > Oh, my gosh! It is so fascinating to come in to this forum and

> > read other people's words...as they are describing my mother.

For

> > years I felt so completely all alone in this nightmare growing

up.

> >

> > Everything you have said is true of her. The worst was that

She'd

> > sabatoge every success I was on the verge of. It caused an

extreme

> > amount of pain in my life. An example was when I was in high

> school

> > and had worked so hard and was chosen to be the school majorette

at

> > which time they'd promised me my own coach. I was so excited!

I

> > was on cloud nine. Then, without warning, my mother refused

to

> > sign the permission slips or let me participate. This type of

> thing

> > continued over and over again. If she felt it was something

that I

> > really wanted to do, then she'd take the opportunity away.

Then

> > she'd say to me " oh, that's too bad. I think you could have

been

> > good at that! " I was so beaten down by her. I had literally

no

> > self worth at all. The message was that if there was anything

> that

> > I really wanted in life, or wanted to experience or

achieve....that

> > I was bad or somehow flawed and I didn't deserve it..I didn't

> > deserve to achieve anything. After being told this so many

times,

> > one begins to believe it. I remember giving up and nearly

flunking

> > out of high school. I just went into my own little dreams to

make

> > me feel better about myself.

> >

> > Looking back this all started very young in my life. I remember

> > really wanting a birthday party like the other children. All my

> > mother cared about is that I wore a dress and looked better than

> the

> > other children who came. I must have been six years old. She

> > hadn't planned anything. She kept talking on the telephone.

One

> by

> > one the other little children left telling me what a stupid

party I

> > had. I cried and cried. After that I never asked for another

> > party. It really hurt me that everyone thought my party was so

> > stupid and I blamed myself for years. Now I realize that it was

my

> > mother's lack of caring that I had a descent party and not my

own

> > stupidity. I was too young to plan my own party. I felt pretty

> > worthless even then.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I am so sorry about your graduation and engagement. It was sweet of

your grandad to validate you, he knew your mom did the wrong thing

and wanted to make up for it. He probably felt a lot of guilt about

her bad parenting. My grandmother on mom's side always felt guilty

about stuff my mom did.

It just stupifies me the way our moms could not be happy about

anything. I think they can't handle any occasion that's not about

them.

I remember my mom ruining her brother's wedding. I was scared of her

taking over my wedding, so she was invited to wedding only, none of

the other things- shower, rehearsal dinner, etc. I felt guilty at

the time, but I know it was the right thing to do for my sanity. I

really didn't want her at the wedding, but felt I had to invite her.

These threads bring up a lot of memories in all of us, and I think

thats a good thing since it seems like many of us have blocked

childhood- I know I have.

The strength on this board is amazing; we all need to recognize that

we are survivors. I have to remind myself of that when I'm wallowing

in pity- we are strong people!

> > >

> > > Oh, my gosh! It is so fascinating to come in to this forum

and

> > > read other people's words...as they are describing my mother.

> For

> > > years I felt so completely all alone in this nightmare growing

> up.

> > >

> > > Everything you have said is true of her. The worst was that

> She'd

> > > sabatoge every success I was on the verge of. It caused an

> extreme

> > > amount of pain in my life. An example was when I was in high

> > school

> > > and had worked so hard and was chosen to be the school

majorette

> at

> > > which time they'd promised me my own coach. I was so excited!

> I

> > > was on cloud nine. Then, without warning, my mother refused

> to

> > > sign the permission slips or let me participate. This type of

> > thing

> > > continued over and over again. If she felt it was something

> that I

> > > really wanted to do, then she'd take the opportunity away.

> Then

> > > she'd say to me " oh, that's too bad. I think you could have

> been

> > > good at that! " I was so beaten down by her. I had literally

> no

> > > self worth at all. The message was that if there was anything

> > that

> > > I really wanted in life, or wanted to experience or

> achieve....that

> > > I was bad or somehow flawed and I didn't deserve it..I didn't

> > > deserve to achieve anything. After being told this so many

> times,

> > > one begins to believe it. I remember giving up and nearly

> flunking

> > > out of high school. I just went into my own little dreams to

> make

> > > me feel better about myself.

> > >

> > > Looking back this all started very young in my life. I

remember

> > > really wanting a birthday party like the other children. All

my

> > > mother cared about is that I wore a dress and looked better

than

> > the

> > > other children who came. I must have been six years old. She

> > > hadn't planned anything. She kept talking on the telephone.

> One

> > by

> > > one the other little children left telling me what a stupid

> party I

> > > had. I cried and cried. After that I never asked for another

> > > party. It really hurt me that everyone thought my party was so

> > > stupid and I blamed myself for years. Now I realize that it

was

> my

> > > mother's lack of caring that I had a descent party and not my

> own

> > > stupidity. I was too young to plan my own party. I felt

pretty

> > > worthless even then.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for your kind words- it feels like I spent half my life being

embarrassed by moms behavior.

> > >

> > > Oh, my gosh! It is so fascinating to come in to this forum

and

> > > read other people's words...as they are describing my mother.

> For

> > > years I felt so completely all alone in this nightmare growing

> up.

> > >

> > > Everything you have said is true of her. The worst was that

> She'd

> > > sabatoge every success I was on the verge of. It caused an

> extreme

> > > amount of pain in my life. An example was when I was in high

> > school

> > > and had worked so hard and was chosen to be the school

majorette

> at

> > > which time they'd promised me my own coach. I was so excited!

> I

> > > was on cloud nine. Then, without warning, my mother refused

> to

> > > sign the permission slips or let me participate. This type of

> > thing

> > > continued over and over again. If she felt it was something

> that I

> > > really wanted to do, then she'd take the opportunity away.

> Then

> > > she'd say to me " oh, that's too bad. I think you could have

> been

> > > good at that! " I was so beaten down by her. I had literally

> no

> > > self worth at all. The message was that if there was anything

> > that

> > > I really wanted in life, or wanted to experience or

> achieve....that

> > > I was bad or somehow flawed and I didn't deserve it..I didn't

> > > deserve to achieve anything. After being told this so many

> times,

> > > one begins to believe it. I remember giving up and nearly

> flunking

> > > out of high school. I just went into my own little dreams to

> make

> > > me feel better about myself.

> > >

> > > Looking back this all started very young in my life. I

remember

> > > really wanting a birthday party like the other children. All

my

> > > mother cared about is that I wore a dress and looked better

than

> > the

> > > other children who came. I must have been six years old. She

> > > hadn't planned anything. She kept talking on the telephone.

> One

> > by

> > > one the other little children left telling me what a stupid

> party I

> > > had. I cried and cried. After that I never asked for another

> > > party. It really hurt me that everyone thought my party was so

> > > stupid and I blamed myself for years. Now I realize that it

was

> my

> > > mother's lack of caring that I had a descent party and not my

> own

> > > stupidity. I was too young to plan my own party. I felt

pretty

> > > worthless even then.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Kyla,

Your comment made me think, that it really/ is/ all about them. The

bottoms line, is that they are so unhappy themselves (the deep, black,

never-ending emptiness) that to see their own children happy is just too

threatening. My nada, at 83, is still always the center of attention.

She came to my daughter's graduation from college, but 1-hour before the

ceremony decided she had to go shopping. How weird is that? (just

another effort to take attention away from her granddaughter). She

insists on celebrating her anniversary (even though my father has

passed!!) and having birthday parties for herself (her last big one was

at age 80); it his hard for me to ever participate. Recently, I have

decided not to - but I struggled for years with why it never felt right

at these celebrations. Well now I know why; it was superficial and

phony. That was the fada way.

I am sorry for all of us; but also proud that we found a way (therapy,

self-help books, this support group, etc) to finally see it for what it

is! None of this was our faults and we cannot fix it. Learning to loosen

the emotional hold it has on us is the challenge.

K

kylaboo728 wrote:

> friendsofcam:

>

> That is such a sad birthday story. Time after time on this board,

> we've seen examples of the BPDs extreme self-centeredness. They

> can't even put themselves out and take joy in the fact that they're

> making a child excited about their birthday.

>

> Is there anything more heartwarming that seeing your child enjoy

> him/herself at a fun birthday party? Apparently, the BPD can't

> stand to see joy in a child's face. Because they no longer have

> that light of joyful innocence in their own eyes, they seek to

> vanquish it in their own child.

>

> It's a threat to see their child happy, when they're so unhappy.

> It's as if they're saying " How dare you be happy when I'm so

> miserable! Let me squelch that for you. " It seems we all

> eventually have the light shut off, and do what we can to survive.

>

> Sorry that happened to you.

>

> {hugs}

> Kyla

>

>

> >

> > Oh, my gosh! It is so fascinating to come in to this forum and

> > read other people's words...as they are describing my mother. For

> > years I felt so completely all alone in this nightmare growing up.

> >

> > Everything you have said is true of her. The worst was that She'd

> > sabatoge every success I was on the verge of. It caused an

> extreme

> > amount of pain in my life. An example was when I was in high

> school

> > and had worked so hard and was chosen to be the school majorette

> at

> > which time they'd promised me my own coach. I was so excited! I

> > was on cloud nine. Then, without warning, my mother refused to

> > sign the permission slips or let me participate. This type of

> thing

> > continued over and over again. If she felt it was something that

> I

> > really wanted to do, then she'd take the opportunity away. Then

> > she'd say to me " oh, that's too bad. I think you could have been

> > good at that! " I was so beaten down by her. I had literally no

> > self worth at all. The message was that if there was anything

> that

> > I really wanted in life, or wanted to experience or

> achieve....that

> > I was bad or somehow flawed and I didn't deserve it..I didn't

> > deserve to achieve anything. After being told this so many

> times,

> > one begins to believe it. I remember giving up and nearly

> flunking

> > out of high school. I just went into my own little dreams to make

> > me feel better about myself.

> >

> > Looking back this all started very young in my life. I remember

> > really wanting a birthday party like the other children. All my

> > mother cared about is that I wore a dress and looked better than

> the

> > other children who came. I must have been six years old. She

> > hadn't planned anything. She kept talking on the telephone. One

> by

> > one the other little children left telling me what a stupid party

> I

> > had. I cried and cried. After that I never asked for another

> > party. It really hurt me that everyone thought my party was so

> > stupid and I blamed myself for years. Now I realize that it was

> my

> > mother's lack of caring that I had a descent party and not my own

> > stupidity. I was too young to plan my own party. I felt pretty

> > worthless even then.

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

I understand because I spent /all /of my adult life being totally

'embarrassed' about my Mom's behavior. It affected all of my

relationships; I didn't want people to know in order to: 1) protect her

(how strange), 2) prevent people from reject- ing me - if they saw how

strange my nada was, and 3) protect me (I never wanted her to know any

of my acquaintances when I became an adult; she would inevitably call

and try to destroy my relationship with them). We all know how hard it

is to live with secrets. I am so /glad/ it is finally out in the open; I

no longer fear what other people think (finally). Thanks

/K

mitchell_kristin wrote:

> Thanks for your kind words- it feels like I spent half my life being

> embarrassed by moms behavior.

>

> > > >

> > > > Oh, my gosh! It is so fascinating to come in to this forum

> and

> > > > read other people's words...as they are describing my mother.

> > For

> > > > years I felt so completely all alone in this nightmare growing

> > up.

> > > >

> > > > Everything you have said is true of her. The worst was that

> > She'd

> > > > sabatoge every success I was on the verge of. It caused an

> > extreme

> > > > amount of pain in my life. An example was when I was in high

> > > school

> > > > and had worked so hard and was chosen to be the school

> majorette

> > at

> > > > which time they'd promised me my own coach. I was so excited!

> > I

> > > > was on cloud nine. Then, without warning, my mother refused

> > to

> > > > sign the permission slips or let me participate. This type of

> > > thing

> > > > continued over and over again. If she felt it was something

> > that I

> > > > really wanted to do, then she'd take the opportunity away.

> > Then

> > > > she'd say to me " oh, that's too bad. I think you could have

> > been

> > > > good at that! " I was so beaten down by her. I had literally

> > no

> > > > self worth at all. The message was that if there was anything

> > > that

> > > > I really wanted in life, or wanted to experience or

> > achieve....that

> > > > I was bad or somehow flawed and I didn't deserve it..I didn't

> > > > deserve to achieve anything. After being told this so many

> > times,

> > > > one begins to believe it. I remember giving up and nearly

> > flunking

> > > > out of high school. I just went into my own little dreams to

> > make

> > > > me feel better about myself.

> > > >

> > > > Looking back this all started very young in my life. I

> remember

> > > > really wanting a birthday party like the other children. All

> my

> > > > mother cared about is that I wore a dress and looked better

> than

> > > the

> > > > other children who came. I must have been six years old. She

> > > > hadn't planned anything. She kept talking on the telephone.

> > One

> > > by

> > > > one the other little children left telling me what a stupid

> > party I

> > > > had. I cried and cried. After that I never asked for another

> > > > party. It really hurt me that everyone thought my party was so

> > > > stupid and I blamed myself for years. Now I realize that it

> was

> > my

> > > > mother's lack of caring that I had a descent party and not my

> > own

> > > > stupidity. I was too young to plan my own party. I felt

> pretty

> > > > worthless even then.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

> Oh, my gosh! It is so fascinating to come in to this forum and

> read other people's words...as they are describing my mother.

> For years I felt so completely all alone in this nightmare growing up.

I agree !! It sounds like ony one of you could be one of my siblings!

> at which time they'd promised me my own coach. I was so excited!

> I was on cloud nine. Then, without warning, my mother refused

> to sign the permission slips or let me participate. This type of

> this type of thing continued over and over again. If she felt it was

> something

> that I really wanted to do, then she'd take the opportunity away.

same for me ! I wanted a horse since I was a little girl. When we moved to

KY, near a farm that raised horses, she said I could get one. We went and

looked at some, and I picked one out, rode it, then my aunt said she'd GIVE

me one she raised. We talked to the farm owners and I would clean stalls

and help around the stable and they would cut the board bill in 1/2.

everything was set !! Then The Evil One suddenly decided I didn't really

nead a horse, and I couldn't get one. Things like this happened to me all

the time growing up.

> The message was that if there was anything that I really wanted in life,

> or wanted to experience or achieve....that I was bad or somehow flawed and

> I didn't deserve it..I >didn't deserve to achieve anything.

I saw it as a power trip she was on... " you want a horse, Ok, you can have a

horse...oops, I changed my mine HA HA HA, see the power I have over you ?? "

>I remember giving up and nearly flunking out of high school. I just went

>into my own little dreams to make me feel better about myself.

I'm dyslexic...but mother would not allow the school to test me ( I got

tested in college, when I was over 18)...she'd tell the teachers I was lazy

and stupid..I was held back in the 5th grade..

> Looking back this all started very young in my life. I remember

> really wanting a birthday party like the other children. All my

> mother cared about is that I wore a dress and looked better than

> the other children who came.

oh, my yes...this is my mother !!

> One by one the other little children left telling me what a stupid party I

> had. I cried and cried.

how sad and devestating to a young child

Jackie

[Guest guest]

It is so appropriate that I read you post. K. I met Nada at a store today

because she desperately wanted to see my daughter who she had not seen in almost

a month. I agreed to meet her at a busy store because I find public places keep

her a bit more in check.

My daughter and I spent about 30 minutes there and I was shocked to notice how

oblivious Nada was to her surroundings. She was constantly in peoples way,

stepping in my way and just basically clueless about the things around her.

Everything is all about her and her needs. I stopped traveling in her car about

3 years ago because she would go the wrong way on one way streets and not wait

her turn at stop signs etc. Her comment was always " No one will hit an old

lady! "

So yes, I agree completely it is all about them and I don't even think they

realize it.

Steph

Re: Re: More Than A Puppet...A matted down old Door

Mat

Kyla,

Your comment made me think, that it really/ is/ all about them. The

bottoms line, is that they are so unhappy themselves (the deep, black,

never-ending emptiness) that to see their own children happy is just too

threatening. My nada, at 83, is still always the center of attention.

She came to my daughter's graduation from college, but 1-hour before the

ceremony decided she had to go shopping. How weird is that? (just

another effort to take attention away from her granddaughter). She

insists on celebrating her anniversary (even though my father has

passed!!) and having birthday parties for herself (her last big one was

at age 80); it his hard for me to ever participate. Recently, I have

decided not to - but I struggled for years with why it never felt right

at these celebrations. Well now I know why; it was superficial and

phony. That was the fada way.

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

It's here! Your new message!

Get new email alerts with the free Yahoo! Toolbar.

http://tools.search.yahoo.com/toolbar/features/mail/

[Guest guest]

I too am sorry about the birthday party, but omg you nailed

the BP mom...always about them....Always!

We are all making decisions to empower Us...we are here and not in

denial about them anymore!

Malinda

> >

> > Oh, my gosh! It is so fascinating to come in to this forum and

> > read other people's words...as they are describing my mother.

For

> > years I felt so completely all alone in this nightmare growing up.

> >

> > Everything you have said is true of her. The worst was that

She'd

> > sabatoge every success I was on the verge of. It caused an

extreme

> > amount of pain in my life. An example was when I was in high

> school

> > and had worked so hard and was chosen to be the school majorette

at

> > which time they'd promised me my own coach. I was so excited! I

> > was on cloud nine. Then, without warning, my mother refused to

> > sign the permission slips or let me participate. This type of

> thing

> > continued over and over again. If she felt it was something that

I

> > really wanted to do, then she'd take the opportunity away. Then

> > she'd say to me " oh, that's too bad. I think you could have

been

> > good at that! " I was so beaten down by her. I had literally no

> > self worth at all. The message was that if there was anything

> that

> > I really wanted in life, or wanted to experience or

achieve....that

> > I was bad or somehow flawed and I didn't deserve it..I didn't

> > deserve to achieve anything. After being told this so many

times,

> > one begins to believe it. I remember giving up and nearly

flunking

> > out of high school. I just went into my own little dreams to

make

> > me feel better about myself.

> >

> > Looking back this all started very young in my life. I remember

> > really wanting a birthday party like the other children. All my

> > mother cared about is that I wore a dress and looked better than

> the

> > other children who came. I must have been six years old. She

> > hadn't planned anything. She kept talking on the telephone. One

> by

> > one the other little children left telling me what a stupid party

I

> > had. I cried and cried. After that I never asked for another

> > party. It really hurt me that everyone thought my party was so

> > stupid and I blamed myself for years. Now I realize that it was

my

> > mother's lack of caring that I had a descent party and not my own

> > stupidity. I was too young to plan my own party. I felt pretty

> > worthless even then.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

" I think our moms all sabotaged our success because it threatened

their security and kicked in their fear of abandonment. Most parents

want their kids to be independent and successful, but I think BPD

parents want us to be completely dependant on them and never leave

them. They say they want us to do well, but what they mean is do well

as long as it doesn't affect them. It's always about them, right! "

I think that is so well said; thank you!!

On the topic of birthday parties, I was never really allowed to have

them. I had a childhood illness, and that made me damaged. She always

told me I couldn't have birthday parties because I didn't have any

friends; no one would come to a party for me. All of my friends had

parties when we turned 16, but of course, I couldn't. I still didn't

have " enough " friends, according to her, and besides, I was too old

for birthday parties at that point, my parents said. My sister always

had parties, though, and I especially remember being upset about her

16th birthday.

Likewise, it's so nice to learn of other's similar experiences,

however sad; the validation is wonderful! I've never met anyone with a

similar experience, and I've always avoided talking about certain

aspects of childhood like this, especially given the school I attend

is chock full of very spoiled children!

> >

> > Oh, my gosh! It is so fascinating to come in to this forum and

> > read other people's words...as they are describing my mother. For

> > years I felt so completely all alone in this nightmare growing up.

> >

> > Everything you have said is true of her. The worst was that She'd

> > sabatoge every success I was on the verge of. It caused an extreme

> > amount of pain in my life. An example was when I was in high

> school

> > and had worked so hard and was chosen to be the school majorette at

> > which time they'd promised me my own coach. I was so excited! I

> > was on cloud nine. Then, without warning, my mother refused to

> > sign the permission slips or let me participate. This type of

> thing

> > continued over and over again. If she felt it was something that I

> > really wanted to do, then she'd take the opportunity away. Then

> > she'd say to me " oh, that's too bad. I think you could have been

> > good at that! " I was so beaten down by her. I had literally no

> > self worth at all. The message was that if there was anything

> that

> > I really wanted in life, or wanted to experience or achieve....that

> > I was bad or somehow flawed and I didn't deserve it..I didn't

> > deserve to achieve anything. After being told this so many times,

> > one begins to believe it. I remember giving up and nearly flunking

> > out of high school. I just went into my own little dreams to make

> > me feel better about myself.

> >

> > Looking back this all started very young in my life. I remember

> > really wanting a birthday party like the other children. All my

> > mother cared about is that I wore a dress and looked better than

> the

> > other children who came. I must have been six years old. She

> > hadn't planned anything. She kept talking on the telephone. One

> by

> > one the other little children left telling me what a stupid party I

> > had. I cried and cried. After that I never asked for another

> > party. It really hurt me that everyone thought my party was so

> > stupid and I blamed myself for years. Now I realize that it was my

> > mother's lack of caring that I had a descent party and not my own

> > stupidity. I was too young to plan my own party. I felt pretty

> > worthless even then.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Jackie-I'm so sad about the horse. That would have been a

wonderful, growing experience for you. To be responsible in that

way, I think would have been a great self esteem builder too. One

that any mother should wish for her child. I don't know if these

things have affected you in the same way that they have me. But, I

still find it hard to feel that I am worthy and deserving, and

cabable.

>

> > Oh, my gosh! It is so fascinating to come in to this forum and

> > read other people's words...as they are describing my mother.

> > For years I felt so completely all alone in this nightmare

growing up.

>

> I agree !! It sounds like ony one of you could be one of my

siblings!

>

> > at which time they'd promised me my own coach. I was so excited!

> > I was on cloud nine. Then, without warning, my mother refused

> > to sign the permission slips or let me participate. This type of

> > this type of thing continued over and over again. If she felt it

was

> > something

> > that I really wanted to do, then she'd take the opportunity

away.

>

> same for me ! I wanted a horse since I was a little girl. When

we moved to

> KY, near a farm that raised horses, she said I could get one. We

went and

> looked at some, and I picked one out, rode it, then my aunt said

she'd GIVE

> me one she raised. We talked to the farm owners and I would clean

stalls

> and help around the stable and they would cut the board bill in

1/2.

> everything was set !! Then The Evil One suddenly decided I didn't

really

> nead a horse, and I couldn't get one. Things like this happened

to me all

> the time growing up.

>

> > The message was that if there was anything that I really wanted

in life,

> > or wanted to experience or achieve....that I was bad or somehow

flawed and

> > I didn't deserve it..I >didn't deserve to achieve anything.

>

> I saw it as a power trip she was on... " you want a horse, Ok, you

can have a

> horse...oops, I changed my mine HA HA HA, see the power I have

over you ?? "

>

> >I remember giving up and nearly flunking out of high school. I

just went

> >into my own little dreams to make me feel better about myself.

>

> I'm dyslexic...but mother would not allow the school to test me (

I got

> tested in college, when I was over 18)...she'd tell the teachers I

was lazy

> and stupid..I was held back in the 5th grade..

>

> > Looking back this all started very young in my life. I remember

> > really wanting a birthday party like the other children. All my

> > mother cared about is that I wore a dress and looked better than

> > the other children who came.

>

> oh, my yes...this is my mother !!

>

> > One by one the other little children left telling me what a

stupid party I

> > had. I cried and cried.

>

> how sad and devestating to a young child

>

>

> Jackie

>

[Guest guest]

I learned years ago (as an adult) never to tell my mother what (or who)

was important to me. That way she could not try to sabotage or destroy

it. Does this sound familiar to anyone?

sleddog wrote:

> > Oh, my gosh! It is so fascinating to come in to this forum and

> > read other people's words...as they are describing my mother.

> > For years I felt so completely all alone in this nightmare growing up.

>

>I agree !! It sounds like ony one of you could be one of my siblings!

>

>

>

>>at which time they'd promised me my own coach. I was so excited!

>>

>>

> > I was on cloud nine. Then, without warning, my mother refused

>

>

>>to sign the permission slips or let me participate. This type of

>>this type of thing continued over and over again. If she felt it was

>>something

>>

>>

> > that I really wanted to do, then she'd take the opportunity away.

>

>same for me ! I wanted a horse since I was a little girl. When we moved to

>KY, near a farm that raised horses, she said I could get one. We went and

>looked at some, and I picked one out, rode it, then my aunt said she'd GIVE

>me one she raised. We talked to the farm owners and I would clean stalls

>and help around the stable and they would cut the board bill in 1/2.

>everything was set !! Then The Evil One suddenly decided I didn't really

>nead a horse, and I couldn't get one. Things like this happened to me all

>the time growing up.

>

>

>

>>The message was that if there was anything that I really wanted in life,

>>or wanted to experience or achieve....that I was bad or somehow flawed and

>>I didn't deserve it..I >didn't deserve to achieve anything.

>>

>>

>

>I saw it as a power trip she was on... " you want a horse, Ok, you can have a

>horse...oops, I changed my mine HA HA HA, see the power I have over you ?? "

>

>

>

>>I remember giving up and nearly flunking out of high school. I just went

>>into my own little dreams to make me feel better about myself.

>>

>>

>

>I'm dyslexic...but mother would not allow the school to test me ( I got

>tested in college, when I was over 18)...she'd tell the teachers I was lazy

>and stupid..I was held back in the 5th grade..

>

>

>

>>Looking back this all started very young in my life. I remember

>>

>>

> > really wanting a birthday party like the other children. All my

>

>

>>mother cared about is that I wore a dress and looked better than

>>the other children who came.

>>

>>

>

>oh, my yes...this is my mother !!

>

>

>

>>One by one the other little children left telling me what a stupid party I

>>had. I cried and cried.

>>

>>

>

>how sad and devestating to a young child

>

>

>Jackie

>

>

>

>

>

>Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @....

SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

>

>To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

() for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the Borderline

Mother” (Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,” (Roth) which you can

find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

>

>>From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and

the SWOE Workbook.

>

[Guest guest]

Steph,

'Clueless' is a good word to describe it. The car scenes sound familiar.

The last few times I was in her car, I feared for my life! When she saw

me hanging on for dear life, she said, 'Well, I drive better than you

do!' (referring to an unavoidable accident I had several years ago,

traveling 800 miles by car to see my sick father). Can't win.

K

Steph wrote:

> It is so appropriate that I read you post. K. I met Nada at a store

> today because she desperately wanted to see my daughter who she had

> not seen in almost a month. I agreed to meet her at a busy store

> because I find public places keep her a bit more in check.

>

> My daughter and I spent about 30 minutes there and I was shocked to

> notice how oblivious Nada was to her surroundings. She was constantly

> in peoples way, stepping in my way and just basically clueless about

> the things around her. Everything is all about her and her needs. I

> stopped traveling in her car about 3 years ago because she would go

> the wrong way on one way streets and not wait her turn at stop signs

> etc. Her comment was always " No one will hit an old lady! "

>

> So yes, I agree completely it is all about them and I don't even think

> they realize it.

>

> Steph

>

> Re: Re: More Than A Puppet...A matted

> down old Door Mat

>

> Kyla,

>

> Your comment made me think, that it really/ is/ all about them. The

> bottoms line, is that they are so unhappy themselves (the deep, black,

> never-ending emptiness) that to see their own children happy is just too

> threatening. My nada, at 83, is still always the center of attention.

> She came to my daughter's graduation from college, but 1-hour before the

> ceremony decided she had to go shopping. How weird is that? (just

> another effort to take attention away from her granddaughter). She

> insists on celebrating her anniversary (even though my father has

> passed!!) and having birthday parties for herself (her last big one was

> at age 80); it his hard for me to ever participate. Recently, I have

> decided not to - but I struggled for years with why it never felt right

> at these celebrations. Well now I know why; it was superficial and

> phony. That was the fada way.

>

> __________________________________________________________

> It's here! Your new message!

> Get new email alerts with the free Yahoo! Toolbar.

> http://tools.search.yahoo.com/toolbar/features/mail/

> <http://tools.search.yahoo.com/toolbar/features/mail/>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, yes, yes!!! Exactly!!! My mom didn't want me to go to college

away from home. So whe told me I would probably just flunk out and

she'd be left with the debt. Instead, she wanted me to go to the

local two-year " junior college " and work full-time while living at

home. So I went to work full time and stayed at home with my parents

until I got married. I didn't get to college until I had children of

my own. My husband and I took out student loans and I ended up

graduating with highest honors. Meanwhile, she tried to get me to quit

and be a stay-at-home mom like her. Then, amazingly, she did come to

my graduation and TOOK CREDIT for helping me get through school!!

Really sad how BPD moms remember things sooooo completely out of touch

with what really happened. Now she " remembers " she told my sister she

could go to college out of town, but in reality, my sister was told

she was too stupid to go away to college. So she went to the local

college while living at home with our parents. I know now that we

were held captive my our mother's fear of abandonment, and spent too

many years trying to earn her approval and encouragement. I'll never

get that from her because she lacks the security within herself to

have faith in anyone else.

BTW, my hubby and I helped put our kids through top-notch schools, and

we took out student loans to the hilt in order to do so. We were

determined not to do to them what was done to me.

Bless you all,

MJL

>

> " I think our moms all sabotaged our success because it threatened

> their security and kicked in their fear of abandonment. Most parents

> want their kids to be independent and successful, but I think BPD

> parents want us to be completely dependant on them and never leave

> them. They say they want us to do well, but what they mean is do

well

> as long as it doesn't affect them. It's always about them, right! "

>

[Guest guest]

Yes that sounds totally familiar. I have learned to keep

things " surface-y " as in talk about the weather, t.v. shows she

watches, etc. Because she will run down anything that's important

to me -- my hopes, my dreams, my faith, and my friends. So sad to

not be able to share with her who I really am inside, because I

cannot trust her with my real self. But it's the only way to survive

and thrive.

MJL

>

> > > Oh, my gosh! It is so fascinating to come in to this forum and

> > > read other people's words...as they are describing my mother.

> > > For years I felt so completely all alone in this nightmare

growing up.

> >

> >I agree !! It sounds like ony one of you could be one of my

siblings!

> >

> >

> >

> >>at which time they'd promised me my own coach. I was so excited!

> >>

> >>

> > > I was on cloud nine. Then, without warning, my mother refused

> >

> >

> >>to sign the permission slips or let me participate. This type of

> >>this type of thing continued over and over again. If she felt it

was

> >>something

> >>

> >>

> > > that I really wanted to do, then she'd take the opportunity

away.

> >

> >same for me ! I wanted a horse since I was a little girl. When

we moved to

> >KY, near a farm that raised horses, she said I could get one. We

went and

> >looked at some, and I picked one out, rode it, then my aunt said

she'd GIVE

> >me one she raised. We talked to the farm owners and I would

clean stalls

> >and help around the stable and they would cut the board bill in

1/2.

> >everything was set !! Then The Evil One suddenly decided I

didn't really

> >nead a horse, and I couldn't get one. Things like this happened

to me all

> >the time growing up.

> >

> >

> >

> >>The message was that if there was anything that I really wanted

in life,

> >>or wanted to experience or achieve....that I was bad or somehow

flawed and

> >>I didn't deserve it..I >didn't deserve to achieve anything.

> >>

> >>

> >

> >I saw it as a power trip she was on... " you want a horse, Ok, you

can have a

> >horse...oops, I changed my mine HA HA HA, see the power I have

over you ?? "

> >

> >

> >

> >>I remember giving up and nearly flunking out of high school. I

just went

> >>into my own little dreams to make me feel better about myself.

> >>

> >>

> >

> >I'm dyslexic...but mother would not allow the school to test me (

I got

> >tested in college, when I was over 18)...she'd tell the teachers

I was lazy

> >and stupid..I was held back in the 5th grade..

> >

> >

> >

> >>Looking back this all started very young in my life. I remember

> >>

> >>

> > > really wanting a birthday party like the other children. All my

> >

> >

> >>mother cared about is that I wore a dress and looked better than

> >>the other children who came.

> >>

> >>

> >

> >oh, my yes...this is my mother !!

> >

> >

> >

> >>One by one the other little children left telling me what a

stupid party I

> >>had. I cried and cried.

> >>

> >>

> >

> >how sad and devestating to a young child

> >

> >

> >Jackie

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @...

SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

> >

> >To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding

the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline

Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the

WTO community!

> >

> >>From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

> >

[Guest guest]

Thanks MJL. Sometimes I feel guilty and phony when I maintain these

superficial conversations with nada. Like you say, I have to/ hide/ who

I really am from her. I am working on that - not feeling guilty. Because

you are so right. It is the only way to protect myself and survive.

Thrive? I am not there yet, but working on getting all of the negative

messages out of my head and putting them where they belong (in the past) .

mjlpathfinder wrote:

> Yes that sounds totally familiar. I have learned to keep

> things " surface-y " as in talk about the weather, t.v. shows she

> watches, etc. Because she will run down anything that's important

> to me -- my hopes, my dreams, my faith, and my friends. So sad to

> not be able to share with her who I really am inside, because I

> cannot trust her with my real self. But it's the only way to survive

> and thrive.

>

> MJL

>

>

> >

> > > > Oh, my gosh! It is so fascinating to come in to this forum and

> > > > read other people's words...as they are describing my mother.

> > > > For years I felt so completely all alone in this nightmare

> growing up.

> > >

> > >I agree !! It sounds like ony one of you could be one of my

> siblings!

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >>at which time they'd promised me my own coach. I was so excited!

> > >>

> > >>

> > > > I was on cloud nine. Then, without warning, my mother refused

> > >

> > >

> > >>to sign the permission slips or let me participate. This type of

> > >>this type of thing continued over and over again. If she felt it

> was

> > >>something

> > >>

> > >>

> > > > that I really wanted to do, then she'd take the opportunity

> away.

> > >

> > >same for me ! I wanted a horse since I was a little girl. When

> we moved to

> > >KY, near a farm that raised horses, she said I could get one. We

> went and

> > >looked at some, and I picked one out, rode it, then my aunt said

> she'd GIVE

> > >me one she raised. We talked to the farm owners and I would

> clean stalls

> > >and help around the stable and they would cut the board bill in

> 1/2.

> > >everything was set !! Then The Evil One suddenly decided I

> didn't really

> > >nead a horse, and I couldn't get one. Things like this happened

> to me all

> > >the time growing up.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >>The message was that if there was anything that I really wanted

> in life,

> > >>or wanted to experience or achieve....that I was bad or somehow

> flawed and

> > >>I didn't deserve it..I >didn't deserve to achieve anything.

> > >>

> > >>

> > >

> > >I saw it as a power trip she was on... " you want a horse, Ok, you

> can have a

> > >horse...oops, I changed my mine HA HA HA, see the power I have

> over you ?? "

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >>I remember giving up and nearly flunking out of high school. I

> just went

> > >>into my own little dreams to make me feel better about myself.

> > >>

> > >>

> > >

> > >I'm dyslexic...but mother would not allow the school to test me (

> I got

> > >tested in college, when I was over 18)...she'd tell the teachers

> I was lazy

> > >and stupid..I was held back in the 5th grade..

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >>Looking back this all started very young in my life. I remember

> > >>

> > >>

> > > > really wanting a birthday party like the other children. All my

> > >

> > >

> > >>mother cared about is that I wore a dress and looked better than

> > >>the other children who came.

> > >>

> > >>

> > >

> > >oh, my yes...this is my mother !!

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >>One by one the other little children left telling me what a

> stupid party I

> > >>had. I cried and cried.

> > >>

> > >>

> > >

> > >how sad and devestating to a young child

> > >

> > >

> > >Jackie

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @...

> SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

> > >

> > >To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

> SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding

> the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline

> Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the

> WTO community!

> > >

> > >>From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

> author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

> > >

[Guest guest]

Thanks MJL. Sometimes I feel guilty and phony when I maintain these

superficial conversations with nada. Like you say, I have to/ hide/ who

I really am from her. I am working on that - not feeling guilty. Because

you are so right. It is the only way to protect myself and survive.

Thrive? I am not there yet, but working on getting all of the negative

messages out of my head and putting them where they belong (in the past) .

mjlpathfinder wrote:

> Yes that sounds totally familiar. I have learned to keep

> things " surface-y " as in talk about the weather, t.v. shows she

> watches, etc. Because she will run down anything that's important

> to me -- my hopes, my dreams, my faith, and my friends. So sad to

> not be able to share with her who I really am inside, because I

> cannot trust her with my real self. But it's the only way to survive

> and thrive.

>

> MJL

>

>

> >

> > > > Oh, my gosh! It is so fascinating to come in to this forum and

> > > > read other people's words...as they are describing my mother.

> > > > For years I felt so completely all alone in this nightmare

> growing up.

> > >

> > >I agree !! It sounds like ony one of you could be one of my

> siblings!

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >>at which time they'd promised me my own coach. I was so excited!

> > >>

> > >>

> > > > I was on cloud nine. Then, without warning, my mother refused

> > >

> > >

> > >>to sign the permission slips or let me participate. This type of

> > >>this type of thing continued over and over again. If she felt it

> was

> > >>something

> > >>

> > >>

> > > > that I really wanted to do, then she'd take the opportunity

> away.

> > >

> > >same for me ! I wanted a horse since I was a little girl. When

> we moved to

> > >KY, near a farm that raised horses, she said I could get one. We

> went and

> > >looked at some, and I picked one out, rode it, then my aunt said

> she'd GIVE

> > >me one she raised. We talked to the farm owners and I would

> clean stalls

> > >and help around the stable and they would cut the board bill in

> 1/2.

> > >everything was set !! Then The Evil One suddenly decided I

> didn't really

> > >nead a horse, and I couldn't get one. Things like this happened

> to me all

> > >the time growing up.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >>The message was that if there was anything that I really wanted

> in life,

> > >>or wanted to experience or achieve....that I was bad or somehow

> flawed and

> > >>I didn't deserve it..I >didn't deserve to achieve anything.

> > >>

> > >>

> > >

> > >I saw it as a power trip she was on... " you want a horse, Ok, you

> can have a

> > >horse...oops, I changed my mine HA HA HA, see the power I have

> over you ?? "

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >>I remember giving up and nearly flunking out of high school. I

> just went

> > >>into my own little dreams to make me feel better about myself.

> > >>

> > >>

> > >

> > >I'm dyslexic...but mother would not allow the school to test me (

> I got

> > >tested in college, when I was over 18)...she'd tell the teachers

> I was lazy

> > >and stupid..I was held back in the 5th grade..

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >>Looking back this all started very young in my life. I remember

> > >>

> > >>

> > > > really wanting a birthday party like the other children. All my

> > >

> > >

> > >>mother cared about is that I wore a dress and looked better than

> > >>the other children who came.

> > >>

> > >>

> > >

> > >oh, my yes...this is my mother !!

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >>One by one the other little children left telling me what a

> stupid party I

> > >>had. I cried and cried.

> > >>

> > >>

> > >

> > >how sad and devestating to a young child

> > >

> > >

> > >Jackie

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @...

> SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

> > >

> > >To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

> SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding

> the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline

> Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the

> WTO community!

> > >

> > >>From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

> author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

> > >

[Guest guest]

I used to do this as well, and feel phony too...whenever I shared

something important, she

always stomped it down. I then decided she wasn't worth even

talking to..if

I have to play games and keep it superficial, I'm just not going to

bother

any more...so for the past year, after all these years of abuse, I

decided I

wasn't taking it any more...and I just have nothing to say to

her...I don't

care what the weather is like there..

Jackie

>

> > Yes that sounds totally familiar. I have learned to keep

> > things " surface-y " as in talk about the weather, t.v. shows she

> > watches, etc. Because she will run down anything that's important

> > to me -- my hopes, my dreams, my faith, and my friends. So sad to

> > not be able to share with her who I really am inside, because I

> > cannot trust her with my real self. But it's the only way to

survive

> > and thrive.

> >

> > MJL

[Guest guest]

I used to do this as well, and feel phony too...whenever I shared

something important, she

always stomped it down. I then decided she wasn't worth even

talking to..if

I have to play games and keep it superficial, I'm just not going to

bother

any more...so for the past year, after all these years of abuse, I

decided I

wasn't taking it any more...and I just have nothing to say to

her...I don't

care what the weather is like there..

Jackie

>

> > Yes that sounds totally familiar. I have learned to keep

> > things " surface-y " as in talk about the weather, t.v. shows she

> > watches, etc. Because she will run down anything that's important

> > to me -- my hopes, my dreams, my faith, and my friends. So sad to

> > not be able to share with her who I really am inside, because I

> > cannot trust her with my real self. But it's the only way to

survive

> > and thrive.

> >

> > MJL

[Guest guest]

Thanks Jackie,

I hear you. I, too, have recently gone limited n/c after years of abuse

and watching her try her best to destroy me and my children. I am just

feeling completely sad and empty. Even though I know I did the right

thing, I have a huge void in my heart. I guess this is where the work of

true healing really begins.

K

pandoodle2001 wrote:

> I used to do this as well, and feel phony too...whenever I shared

> something important, she

> always stomped it down. I then decided she wasn't worth even

> talking to..if

> I have to play games and keep it superficial, I'm just not going to

> bother

> any more...so for the past year, after all these years of abuse, I

> decided I

> wasn't taking it any more...and I just have nothing to say to

> her...I don't

> care what the weather is like there..

>

> Jackie

>

>

> >

> > > Yes that sounds totally familiar. I have learned to keep

> > > things " surface-y " as in talk about the weather, t.v. shows she

> > > watches, etc. Because she will run down anything that's important

> > > to me -- my hopes, my dreams, my faith, and my friends. So sad to

> > > not be able to share with her who I really am inside, because I

> > > cannot trust her with my real self. But it's the only way to

> survive

> > > and thrive.

> > >

> > > MJL

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Jackie,

I hear you. I, too, have recently gone limited n/c after years of abuse

and watching her try her best to destroy me and my children. I am just

feeling completely sad and empty. Even though I know I did the right

thing, I have a huge void in my heart. I guess this is where the work of

true healing really begins.

K

pandoodle2001 wrote:

> I used to do this as well, and feel phony too...whenever I shared

> something important, she

> always stomped it down. I then decided she wasn't worth even

> talking to..if

> I have to play games and keep it superficial, I'm just not going to

> bother

> any more...so for the past year, after all these years of abuse, I

> decided I

> wasn't taking it any more...and I just have nothing to say to

> her...I don't

> care what the weather is like there..

>

> Jackie

>

>

> >

> > > Yes that sounds totally familiar. I have learned to keep

> > > things " surface-y " as in talk about the weather, t.v. shows she

> > > watches, etc. Because she will run down anything that's important

> > > to me -- my hopes, my dreams, my faith, and my friends. So sad to

> > > not be able to share with her who I really am inside, because I

> > > cannot trust her with my real self. But it's the only way to

> survive

> > > and thrive.

> > >

> > > MJL

>

>

[Guest guest]

I totally understand, I was there too...you're still trying to hold

on to some relationship with your mother...and always try to hope

there will be a normal mother/daughter thing with you two. It's a

hard realization that she will never be your mom, and you will never

have a mother/daughter relationship like normal people, and yes, you

do have to mourn it....but this is a good thing..because it means

you are moving forward...you realize you will never have a normal

relationship with your mother, and your healing has begun

Jackie

>

> Thanks Jackie,

>

> I hear you. I, too, have recently gone limited n/c after years of

abuse

> and watching her try her best to destroy me and my children. I am

just

> feeling completely sad and empty. Even though I know I did the

right

> thing, I have a huge void in my heart. I guess this is where the

work of

> true healing really begins.

>

> K

[Guest guest]

I totally understand, I was there too...you're still trying to hold

on to some relationship with your mother...and always try to hope

there will be a normal mother/daughter thing with you two. It's a

hard realization that she will never be your mom, and you will never

have a mother/daughter relationship like normal people, and yes, you

do have to mourn it....but this is a good thing..because it means

you are moving forward...you realize you will never have a normal

relationship with your mother, and your healing has begun

Jackie

>

> Thanks Jackie,

>

> I hear you. I, too, have recently gone limited n/c after years of

abuse

> and watching her try her best to destroy me and my children. I am

just

> feeling completely sad and empty. Even though I know I did the

right

> thing, I have a huge void in my heart. I guess this is where the

work of

> true healing really begins.

>

> K