Re: My father allowed my BPD mother to treat us badly

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 3/17/2007 10:01:31 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

ssmith27@... writes:

Does anyone have a father that is completely controlled by the BPD

mother? My father would punish me to make my mother happy and keep the

peace. My father feared my BPD mother and took it out on us to keep her

happy.

Yes, yes, yes! Everything was done to " keep the peace " with my mother. My

father's actions ranged from just ignoring the abuse, to actually helping her.

Now, my parents are no longer with each other, I think he feels a little

guilty about some of the abuse we lived through, but for the most part, he

remains in denial.

Dawn A

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[Guest guest]

Absolutely. My Dad is a good man and has tried to live an honorable life. He

usually ignored her abuse and said she was " cute " when he couldn't run

interference for me. Even when she attacked him. I guess it was the only method

of coping he could come up with in the face of her storm. Now he's 83 and she

often tells him how she never loved him and she thinks he's dirty and

disgusting. She tells him the house is in her name and if he doesn't do as she

says, he can just leave. The house, in fact, is in my name and I quietly went to

Dad after one such episode and told him so. When I assured him that he would

never have to leave his home again, he had tears in his eyes when he said thank

you. Sometimes it's like seeing the path of a tornado....all devastation and

debris. -

DAWNM90@... wrote:

In a message dated 3/17/2007 10:01:31 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

ssmith27@... writes:

Does anyone have a father that is completely controlled by the BPD

mother? My father would punish me to make my mother happy and keep the

peace. My father feared my BPD mother and took it out on us to keep her

happy.

Yes, yes, yes! Everything was done to " keep the peace " with my mother. My

father's actions ranged from just ignoring the abuse, to actually helping her.

Now, my parents are no longer with each other, I think he feels a little

guilty about some of the abuse we lived through, but for the most part, he

remains in denial.

Dawn A

************************************** AOL now offers free email to everyone.

Find out more about what's free from AOL at http://www.aol.com.

[Guest guest]

Yep. My parents were married for 58 years when my Dad passed in 2 years

ago. Though he was controlled by her, I think he too, felt trapped. We

had a special relationship - I even told him the diagnosis (BPD) for her

actions, when I figured it out as an adult. He would shake his head and

say, but what can we do? She was furious when he showed any love or

support to me - so he did it in secret (better than nothing). For

example, 'Don't tell your mother about this . . . . . ' when doing any

kind act for me or my family. Anything to keep peace. It was distorted,

but I felt his love.

I am so sorry that your father was so totally afraid of your nada. It

sounds like he, too, was trapped by it and just did not know how to

respond. It must have been very hurtful and it certainly was not your fault.

ssmith27 wrote:

> Does anyone have a father that is completely controlled by the BPD

> mother? My father would punish me to make my mother happy and keep the

> peace. My father feared my BPD mother and took it out on us to keep her

> happy.

>

>

[Guest guest]

my father is completely controlled by mother... he wouldn't punish us

just to make her happy, but if she yelled at us, he jumped right in

there and yelled at us too...he allowed everything to happen...heis

totally dominated by her...and she says such awful things to him..just

like what she says to me...

Jackie

>

> Does anyone have a father that is completely controlled by the BPD

> mother? My father would punish me to make my mother happy and keep

the

> peace. My father feared my BPD mother and took it out on us to keep

her

> happy.

>

[Guest guest]

Me three my dad put up with that nada shit completely. She was also extremely

abusive to him. Unfortunately no counselor (and none to) pulled him aside and

said get yourself and your daugher out of this relathionship, instead they

alwasy forced us to put up with her. THe only time he started to stand up to

her was when I started standing up to her. She was actually worse on him than

on me until he died, after he died she thought I would make a good punching bag

but I refused and went n/c.

The hospice people though caught on and said he had been severly abused,

(finally somebody noticed). My aunt and I have talked we donit' think he could

have left he was so far gone.

You aren't alone on that one!

MC

pandoodle2001 wrote:

my father is completely controlled by mother... he wouldn't punish us

just to make her happy, but if she yelled at us, he jumped right in

there and yelled at us too...he allowed everything to happen...heis

totally dominated by her...and she says such awful things to him..just

like what she says to me...

Jackie

>

> Does anyone have a father that is completely controlled by the BPD

> mother? My father would punish me to make my mother happy and keep

the

> peace. My father feared my BPD mother and took it out on us to keep

her

> happy.

>

---------------------------------

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[Guest guest]

Me three my dad put up with that nada shit completely. She was also extremely

abusive to him. Unfortunately no counselor (and none to) pulled him aside and

said get yourself and your daugher out of this relathionship, instead they

alwasy forced us to put up with her. THe only time he started to stand up to

her was when I started standing up to her. She was actually worse on him than

on me until he died, after he died she thought I would make a good punching bag

but I refused and went n/c.

The hospice people though caught on and said he had been severly abused,

(finally somebody noticed). My aunt and I have talked we donit' think he could

have left he was so far gone.

You aren't alone on that one!

MC

pandoodle2001 wrote:

my father is completely controlled by mother... he wouldn't punish us

just to make her happy, but if she yelled at us, he jumped right in

there and yelled at us too...he allowed everything to happen...heis

totally dominated by her...and she says such awful things to him..just

like what she says to me...

Jackie

>

> Does anyone have a father that is completely controlled by the BPD

> mother? My father would punish me to make my mother happy and keep

the

> peace. My father feared my BPD mother and took it out on us to keep

her

> happy.

>

---------------------------------

We won't tell. Get more on shows you hate to love

(and love to hate): Yahoo! TV's Guilty Pleasures list.

[Guest guest]

Yes, even when I confront my dad as an adult, he will say you know your

mother loves us. My favorite is, don't you think mom is getting better.

In reality it is the boundaries I have put up and I won't argue with

her, even when she is totally going off on and many times she is raging

at him.

I actually told my father recently while discussing the situation, he

as a child left me alone alot with my mother, while he worked 2 jobs. I

was an only child and a captive audience to my mother's crazy behavior

and games she would play on me.

Thanks for the posting...Hang in there!

Malinda

>

> Does anyone have a father that is completely controlled by the BPD

> mother? My father would punish me to make my mother happy and keep

the

> peace. My father feared my BPD mother and took it out on us to keep

her

> happy.

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, even when I confront my dad as an adult, he will say you know your

mother loves us. My favorite is, don't you think mom is getting better.

In reality it is the boundaries I have put up and I won't argue with

her, even when she is totally going off on and many times she is raging

at him.

I actually told my father recently while discussing the situation, he

as a child left me alone alot with my mother, while he worked 2 jobs. I

was an only child and a captive audience to my mother's crazy behavior

and games she would play on me.

Thanks for the posting...Hang in there!

Malinda

>

> Does anyone have a father that is completely controlled by the BPD

> mother? My father would punish me to make my mother happy and keep

the

> peace. My father feared my BPD mother and took it out on us to keep

her

> happy.

>

[Guest guest]

my father used to say this too, and it drove me nuts !! Last time he

said this, I said " no she doesn't. You don't treat people you love

this way " Then he opend up and really talked to me about her...how

sorry he was that he " let her get away with this behavior " and how sad

he was that he didn't know how to protect us...

Jackie

>

> Yes, even when I confront my dad as an adult, he will say you know

your

> mother loves us.

[Guest guest]

my father used to say this too, and it drove me nuts !! Last time he

said this, I said " no she doesn't. You don't treat people you love

this way " Then he opend up and really talked to me about her...how

sorry he was that he " let her get away with this behavior " and how sad

he was that he didn't know how to protect us...

Jackie

>

> Yes, even when I confront my dad as an adult, he will say you know

your

> mother loves us.

[Guest guest]

Jackie,

That must have felt very validating. I had a similar experience and just

appreciated so much that my Dad would listen. It was not that he didn't

see it - he was just completely baffled and didn't know what to do about

it (they'd been married for more than 50, crazy years)! You know, living

in a family with a BP can isolate the members in it from each other. He

was probably consumed with his own guilt, anger, and trying to stay

safe. I bet he had no idea how deeply affected I was by nadas behavior.

Sounds so familiar.

K

pandoodle2001 wrote:

> my father used to say this too, and it drove me nuts !! Last time he

> said this, I said " no she doesn't. You don't treat people you love

> this way " Then he opend up and really talked to me about her...how

> sorry he was that he " let her get away with this behavior " and how sad

> he was that he didn't know how to protect us...

>

> Jackie

>

>

> >

> > Yes, even when I confront my dad as an adult, he will say you know

> your

> > mother loves us.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Jackie,

That must have felt very validating. I had a similar experience and just

appreciated so much that my Dad would listen. It was not that he didn't

see it - he was just completely baffled and didn't know what to do about

it (they'd been married for more than 50, crazy years)! You know, living

in a family with a BP can isolate the members in it from each other. He

was probably consumed with his own guilt, anger, and trying to stay

safe. I bet he had no idea how deeply affected I was by nadas behavior.

Sounds so familiar.

K

pandoodle2001 wrote:

> my father used to say this too, and it drove me nuts !! Last time he

> said this, I said " no she doesn't. You don't treat people you love

> this way " Then he opend up and really talked to me about her...how

> sorry he was that he " let her get away with this behavior " and how sad

> he was that he didn't know how to protect us...

>

> Jackie

>

>

> >

> > Yes, even when I confront my dad as an adult, he will say you know

> your

> > mother loves us.

>

>

[Guest guest]

it was, and it helped me tremendously !! My parents have been

marrier since 1945 !! Dad said had he knew it would be like this, he

wouldn't have married her...but being Catholic they just didn't

divorce...you're probably right...mother wasn't as bad towards

mewhen he was around like she was when he was at work...so maybe he

didn't think she was treating us as badly as she treated him...the

physical abuse was always while he was at work...

Jackie

>

> Jackie,

>

> That must have felt very validating. I had a similar experience

and just

> appreciated so much that my Dad would listen. It was not that he

didn't

> see it - he was just completely baffled and didn't know what to do

about

> it (they'd been married for more than 50, crazy years)! You know,

living

> in a family with a BP can isolate the members in it from each

other. He

> was probably consumed with his own guilt, anger, and trying to

stay

> safe. I bet he had no idea how deeply affected I was by nadas

behavior.

> Sounds so familiar.

>

> K

[Guest guest]

it was, and it helped me tremendously !! My parents have been

marrier since 1945 !! Dad said had he knew it would be like this, he

wouldn't have married her...but being Catholic they just didn't

divorce...you're probably right...mother wasn't as bad towards

mewhen he was around like she was when he was at work...so maybe he

didn't think she was treating us as badly as she treated him...the

physical abuse was always while he was at work...

Jackie

>

> Jackie,

>

> That must have felt very validating. I had a similar experience

and just

> appreciated so much that my Dad would listen. It was not that he

didn't

> see it - he was just completely baffled and didn't know what to do

about

> it (they'd been married for more than 50, crazy years)! You know,

living

> in a family with a BP can isolate the members in it from each

other. He

> was probably consumed with his own guilt, anger, and trying to

stay

> safe. I bet he had no idea how deeply affected I was by nadas

behavior.

> Sounds so familiar.

>

> K

[Guest guest]

i deal with this as well. though " mother dearest " passed away in '05 it brings

me anger and greif over the fact my father allwed alot of her behaivior simply

because he wanted to keep the money in the family. to this dys he makes

references to the fact i didnt tolerate it well enough and should have " learned

to get along with your mother " . He is almost 74 and i want to resovle this

conflict before its too late.

C

pandoodle2001 wrote:

my father used to say this too, and it drove me nuts !! Last time he

said this, I said " no she doesn't. You don't treat people you love

this way " Then he opend up and really talked to me about her...how

sorry he was that he " let her get away with this behavior " and how sad

he was that he didn't know how to protect us...

Jackie

>

> Yes, even when I confront my dad as an adult, he will say you know

your

> mother loves us.

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() for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the Borderline

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at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and

the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

i deal with this as well. though " mother dearest " passed away in '05 it brings

me anger and greif over the fact my father allwed alot of her behaivior simply

because he wanted to keep the money in the family. to this dys he makes

references to the fact i didnt tolerate it well enough and should have " learned

to get along with your mother " . He is almost 74 and i want to resovle this

conflict before its too late.

C

pandoodle2001 wrote:

my father used to say this too, and it drove me nuts !! Last time he

said this, I said " no she doesn't. You don't treat people you love

this way " Then he opend up and really talked to me about her...how

sorry he was that he " let her get away with this behavior " and how sad

he was that he didn't know how to protect us...

Jackie

>

> Yes, even when I confront my dad as an adult, he will say you know

your

> mother loves us.

Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @....

SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

() for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the Borderline

Mother?(Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,?(Roth) which you can find

at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and

the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

my dad has said the same things. That I need to just get along with

mother...my oldest brother says the same thing...just do what she

wants it's easier than fighting...and most of my life I did this..I

was loyal, accomidating I did what she told me to do, didn't

challenge...but I knew this was wrong...and when she told me, when I

was 38years old, that I had to wear one of her skirts to church

because mine wasn't good enough for their church...it just stuck a

nerve..and for the next 10 years I tried to change her...I tried to

get her to see that I am allowed to have my own opinions..this

created more fights, and my dad and brother would yell at me as

well and tell me it's my fault mother is angry...I have since

learned they are wrong...mother is the only one responsible for her

anger...I don't know how you can resolve this conflict if your dad

isn't willing to really look at how your mothers behavior was...and

admit that she was off the wall...

Jackie

>

> i deal with this as well. though " mother dearest " passed away

in '05 it brings me anger and greif over the fact my father allwed

alot of her behaivior simply because he wanted to keep the money in

the family. to this dys he makes references to the fact i didnt

tolerate it well enough and should have " learned to get along with

your mother " . He is almost 74 and i want to resovle this conflict

before its too late.

>

> C

[Guest guest]

Cristie,

Before it is too late for what? If you are hoping that you can

resolve the conflict by getting your father to agree with your

understanding of the situation, you may very well be setting

yourself up for disappointment. If you what to resolve it, for

yourself alone, then there is definitely the possibility that you

can do that.

Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. If it also

brings an understanding between you and your father, that is great!

However, if it does not, you still are ahead by taking care of

yourself.

Sylvia

>

> i deal with this as well. though " mother dearest " passed away

in '05 it brings me anger and greif over the fact my father allwed

alot of her behaivior simply because he wanted to keep the money in

the family. to this dys he makes references to the fact i didnt

tolerate it well enough and should have " learned to get along with

your mother " . He is almost 74 and i want to resovle this conflict

before its too late.

>

> C

>......

[Guest guest]

Yes that is what i am after to resove for me alone, for my peace of mind. my

father is constantly disagreeing or arguing the point of every statement i make

no mattter how unim[portant or benign. so last thing i expect is him to agree

with me. The most i can expect is a simple acknowledgement. He wants me

to " understand, support, forgive, etc " because shes sick. Well isn't that the

parents job, not the child. For long as i remeber i felt i was trapped in a

family

run by a three year old tyrant with no way out.

> >

> > i deal with this as well. though " mother dearest " passed away

> in '05 it brings me anger and greif over the fact my father allwed

> alot of her behaivior simply because he wanted to keep the money in

> the family. to this dys he makes references to the fact i didnt

> tolerate it well enough and should have " learned to get along with

> your mother " . He is almost 74 and i want to resovle this conflict

> before its too late.

> >

> > C

> >......

>

[Guest guest]

Yes that is what i am after to resove for me alone, for my peace of mind. my

father is constantly disagreeing or arguing the point of every statement i make

no mattter how unim[portant or benign. so last thing i expect is him to agree

with me. The most i can expect is a simple acknowledgement. He wants me

to " understand, support, forgive, etc " because shes sick. Well isn't that the

parents job, not the child. For long as i remeber i felt i was trapped in a

family

run by a three year old tyrant with no way out.

> >

> > i deal with this as well. though " mother dearest " passed away

> in '05 it brings me anger and greif over the fact my father allwed

> alot of her behaivior simply because he wanted to keep the money in

> the family. to this dys he makes references to the fact i didnt

> tolerate it well enough and should have " learned to get along with

> your mother " . He is almost 74 and i want to resovle this conflict

> before its too late.

> >

> > C

> >......

>

[Guest guest]

Yes that is what i am after to resove for me alone, for my peace of mind. my

father is constantly disagreeing or arguing the point of every statement i make

no mattter how unim[portant or benign. so last thing i expect is him to agree

with me. The most i can expect is a simple acknowledgement. He wants me

to " understand, support, forgive, etc " because shes sick. Well isn't that the

parents job, not the child. For long as i remeber i felt i was trapped in a

family

run by a three year old tyrant with no way out.

> >

> > i deal with this as well. though " mother dearest " passed away

> in '05 it brings me anger and greif over the fact my father allwed

> alot of her behaivior simply because he wanted to keep the money in

> the family. to this dys he makes references to the fact i didnt

> tolerate it well enough and should have " learned to get along with

> your mother " . He is almost 74 and i want to resovle this conflict

> before its too late.

> >

> > C

> >......

>

[Guest guest]

My father constantly bats back points I make about nada -- he

excuses everything she does, while dismissing the points I raise.

Has a reason for everything THEY do or don't do -- yet has no

problem wagging his finger of blame at me for ANY perceived slight.

He refuses to acknowlege any of my points of view or his

responsibility in ANY of nada's destructiveness. It has damaged our

relationship. I've stated my case to him very clearly and he

refuses to hear. There's no more I can do on that front.

I can just be polite when we're thrown together -- but, thanks to

his resolve to always defend nada, we'll never be close.

-Kyla

> > >

> > > i deal with this as well. though " mother dearest " passed away

> > in '05 it brings me anger and greif over the fact my father

allwed

> > alot of her behaivior simply because he wanted to keep the money

in

> > the family. to this dys he makes references to the fact i didnt

> > tolerate it well enough and should have " learned to get along

with

> > your mother " . He is almost 74 and i want to resovle this

conflict

> > before its too late.

> > >

> > > C

> > >......

> >

>

[Guest guest]

My father constantly bats back points I make about nada -- he

excuses everything she does, while dismissing the points I raise.

Has a reason for everything THEY do or don't do -- yet has no

problem wagging his finger of blame at me for ANY perceived slight.

He refuses to acknowlege any of my points of view or his

responsibility in ANY of nada's destructiveness. It has damaged our

relationship. I've stated my case to him very clearly and he

refuses to hear. There's no more I can do on that front.

I can just be polite when we're thrown together -- but, thanks to

his resolve to always defend nada, we'll never be close.

-Kyla

> > >

> > > i deal with this as well. though " mother dearest " passed away

> > in '05 it brings me anger and greif over the fact my father

allwed

> > alot of her behaivior simply because he wanted to keep the money

in

> > the family. to this dys he makes references to the fact i didnt

> > tolerate it well enough and should have " learned to get along

with

> > your mother " . He is almost 74 and i want to resovle this

conflict

> > before its too late.

> > >

> > > C

> > >......

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Cristie,

I am glad that you are no longer feeling trapped in that world. You may

not even get the acknowledgment you want, but have the choice not to

remain trapped. Such a positive step.

K

Cristie Maure wrote:

> Yes that is what i am after to resove for me alone, for my peace of

> mind. my

> father is constantly disagreeing or arguing the point of every

> statement i make

> no mattter how unim[portant or benign. so last thing i expect is him

> to agree

> with me. The most i can expect is a simple acknowledgement. He wants me

> to " understand, support, forgive, etc " because shes sick. Well isn't

> that the

> parents job, not the child. For long as i remeber i felt i was trapped

> in a family

> run by a three year old tyrant with no way out.

>

>

> > >

> > > i deal with this as well. though " mother dearest " passed away

> > in '05 it brings me anger and greif over the fact my father allwed

> > alot of her behaivior simply because he wanted to keep the money in

> > the family. to this dys he makes references to the fact i didnt

> > tolerate it well enough and should have " learned to get along with

> > your mother " . He is almost 74 and i want to resovle this conflict

> > before its too late.

> > >

> > > C

> > >......

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

Cristie,

I am glad that you are no longer feeling trapped in that world. You may

not even get the acknowledgment you want, but have the choice not to

remain trapped. Such a positive step.

K

Cristie Maure wrote:

> Yes that is what i am after to resove for me alone, for my peace of

> mind. my

> father is constantly disagreeing or arguing the point of every

> statement i make

> no mattter how unim[portant or benign. so last thing i expect is him

> to agree

> with me. The most i can expect is a simple acknowledgement. He wants me

> to " understand, support, forgive, etc " because shes sick. Well isn't

> that the

> parents job, not the child. For long as i remeber i felt i was trapped

> in a family

> run by a three year old tyrant with no way out.

>

>

> > >

> > > i deal with this as well. though " mother dearest " passed away

> > in '05 it brings me anger and greif over the fact my father allwed

> > alot of her behaivior simply because he wanted to keep the money in

> > the family. to this dys he makes references to the fact i didnt

> > tolerate it well enough and should have " learned to get along with

> > your mother " . He is almost 74 and i want to resovle this conflict

> > before its too late.

> > >

> > > C

> > >......

> >

>

>