Re: NPD

[Guest guest]

> As an aside, and forgive me, I don't remember if your ex had AS or not, but an

AS with this twist to their personality can really throw everyone off their

scent. The presentation of AS guilelessness is something they've actually

learned to work to their advantage, where most of us with AS just get taken

advantage of because of our innocence.

My ex is definitely Aspie, and not NPD. He has no " charm " , and tends to push

people away these days rather than attract them. [This wasn't always true.] He

may have a touch of sociopathy, possibly bipolar, and he's had what a psych

friend of mine says are psychotic episodes. Definitely, there's at least a touch

of paranoia. But he's primarily Aspie, and definitely a mental mess.

Even with hindsight, nothing but the AS was present when we got together and got

married in our early 30s. The illness didn't appear to hit until he was in his

early 40s, and he was able to control it until about a year ago -- early 50s.

> It is a natural inclination for people to not want to believe that this person

really doesn't care about you, or anyone else. We would all like to believe

there are reasons for that person's behavior, and over time, that person would

become enlightened, and healed. They may have enough " good " qualities that

patience seems worth the effort, but in the end, the victims realize they've

been duped.

I don't feel duped. I'm stubborn (tenacious, if you want a nicer word), and hung

on for a long time, trying to help him heal. But until a year ago, I didn't see

how ill he was, nor did I see how he was falling in to a hole and dragging the

family with him. And even after I did see, I kept trying to reach him ... but

our last few marriage counseling sessions made it very clear that he was beyond

my reach.

> Even if you went into therapy at that time you may not be helped, because the

therapist may only see what's on the surface of that person (my ex could really

turn on the charm) and the therapist may also believe that if you " work on the

issues " they can be resolved.

Cognitive therapy is good, but there are some times when one needs to stop

dealing with the surface issues and dive deep into the person's history and

motivations. My ex needs serious therapy, and probably medication from an

excellent psychiatrist ... he was seeing one 6 months ago, but my ex was way out

of her field of competence and she didn't see how she was not helping. [i have

no idea if he's seeing anyone now.]

> Your own family of origin issues may complicate things further if it

pre-disposed you to putting others happiness first, and you have been made to

feel that personal happiness is selfishness. This is something I am learning in

therapy now.

I'm not an enabler, and I didn't grow up with the " women care for everyone but

themselves " ethic. But as I said, I'm stubborn, and was very reluctant to give

up when I thought there was even a shred of hope left. When his abuse became

blatant, when his demands became irrational, when he could no longer show any

concern for me at all ... that was when I realized it was over, and I took

action.

Tomorrow, I'm back in Court, to ask that the restraining order be continued. I

hope it is ... I've seen no move toward mental health on his part since I got

the order in March.

--Liz