feeling very fragile

[Guest guest]

When I found this group, I thought it was going to be the answer for

me - a friendly bunch of people to offer support while I considered

and then hopefully stopped taking my meds. I have been a little

afraid to post messages because it seems that there will be

something that is in them that will be pounced on - doctors; drug

companys; pharmasists etc.

I am feeling extremely fragile right now. I don't know why - whether

it's because I have just changed meds - lowered my Wellbutrin dose

and added in the Lamotrigine or if it is because I am worrying about

the decision to go off my meds. In any case, I don't need anyone to

tell me how terrible my doctors are or how poisonous the drugs are

that I have been taking for the last 10 years - that information

isn't going to make me feel any better right now.

I will share some more history about myself and perhaps you will

have a better understanding of where I am coming from.

I was 17 and pregnant when I married my first husband - he was my

first sexual experience. He used to " inspect me " to see if I was

clean enough for him before sex. That has affected me all my life

without me realizing it. My first daughter was born and the next day

I had a biopsy for a lump in my neck. A week later I was sent away

to a cancer clinic to begin treatment for Hodgekin's Disease - I was

sent home about 6 weeks later. About a month later I started 6

months of chemo because the radiation didn't get everthing.

My GP at the time would come to my house just to hold my hand when I

was scared. He is the same doctor that believed me when I told him

that I had the mumps when I was at the cancer clinic - the doctors

there didn't because they looked just like Hodgekin's - but they

hurt like hell! They believed me when a doctor got the mumps though.

The GP delivered my 2nd daughter at home after she surprised us by

arriving with only an hour of very mild 'pangs'. He made housecalls

after my 3rd daughter was born because he gave up his practise. He

called me in for a special appt to tell me that he was closing and

he cried as did I. I went to his funeral 3 years ago.

My Mom's Alzheimer's started to show up in 1989 - she was having a

few problems like forgetting where her car was. I had to rescue her

several times and she lost her license later that year. Then she

started going for walks at anytime of the day or night. Also cooking

supper at 5:00 in the morning and rearranging her cupboards and

drawers. Meanwhile my Dad was in total denial. We would pick them up

to bring them to our place and he wouldn't tell us that she had wet

and pooped in her pants - he didn't want to admit that anything was

wrong. So instead our carseats would get ruined... Mom was

frustrating because we didn't know what the next 'stage' might be,

but she was very sweet most of the way through. Dad on the other

hand, was about as miserable as a person can get. Nothing was good

enough for him, but I was the only one that could do it for him! He

wouldn't accept any outside help - " I don't need that, I have

Norma. " He used to have his disposeable diapers hanging all over the

house - draped over lamps etc.- drying so he could use them again.

Add to that the smell of cigars and the furnace cranked up to 80

degrees - well, I guess you get the picture. Mom eventually went

into a nursing home in 1992, but not without a fight from my Dad and

my out of town sister. I asked her to stay with Mom overnight and

give me a break for the day my oldest daughter got married, and she

finally got a tiny slice of what life with Mom & Dad was all about.

Mom escaped from the home twice the first day she was in there, so

of course it was MY FAULT for insisting she go in there! I started

taking a/d in Oct 1994 - I was just getting so run down by the daily

routine that I was keeping. I usually got an 'emergency' call from

Dad first thing in the morning - such as someone stole his oil out

of the tank because he isn't getting any heat! I would walk into

this house that was SO hot and look at the thermostat and the poor

thing couldn't get any higher! Then I'd go and work a full day and

then stop and see Mom on the way home. Then back to Dad's to get

something from the freezer that I had made and heat it up. Then I

usually went after I had my supper to see Mom again - she was quite

restless at this time. Dad died in Dec of that year and that's when

I really fell apart. I don't believe I ever grieved for him - I

think I finally could let myself just " go " . Mom was safe in a home

and very easy to be with, and that miserable old man wasn't going to

ever say another nasty thing or complain again. I cried and cried

and completely fell apart. What was really strange was that the

sexual abuse from my 1st marriage came back at me like it was

happening right then. And I haven't been able to shake it since. It

was buried for all those years - never talked about with anyone -

who would I tell? I am going to make an appt with the sexual assault

clinic and see if they can get it out of my head - it has almost

become one of my obsessions.

My present GP was my parent's and I got to see what he was like when

I took them in for their appt as I needed to answer most of the

questions for them. I decided that he was who I was looking for.

When Dad died and I fell apart like that, I spent just about every

day at his office - I was afraid to be home alone. He had a spare

room that he said I could use anytime. When he had a spare moment

between patients he would come and see how I was doing. He would

very often at the end of a day spend an hour or so just talking with

me or listening to me. I know that he wasn't getting paid for all of

this time.

I have encountered many wonderful doctors and hate to see them

lumped together and bashed. One other was the one that reconstructed

my tubes after I had them tied after radiation and it allowed me to

have 2 more wonderful daughters. How can I feel badly towards any of

these doctors?

Shouldn't we be taking the blame for choosing to walk through the

doors of a medical doctor to seek treatment? What do you expect that

you will receive when you go there? If you want natural treatment

then you should be visiting a naturopath or homeopath.

I know I read that this group isn't here to coddle us - I guess

maybe that's what I'm needing right now. I'm not wanting a group

that agrees with everything I say, but I don't want to be afraid to

say " doctor " or " meds " without someone writing something negative

about it. Isn't it possible to help people through withdrawal, as

you seem to do so well, without so many negative comments thrown

in?

Norma