: Re: New to the group/suffering

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Thanks to you and Nanci for bringing up Al-Anon. I have no personal experience

with them, but know friends who have, and learned a lot from them.

In some cases, they began attending in their 40's, to deal with long dormant

issues of parental alcoholism, and the way it had spilled over all their

subsequent relationships. They may have been single or having difficulties in

their marriages but interestingly enough, their spouses were not alcoholic,

though in all instances certainly very distant and/or abusive.

From them I learned the impact of growing up in an " adult child " caregiver role,

and it certainly predisposes one to enabling behaviors ever more, and even

knowing in and of itself does not break the pattern.

I've given a lot of thought to what they have told me, because my NT siblings

and I were (and still are) " caregivers " and some people I know who share my

challenges (but not the AS) were a caregiver to a physically or mentally ill

parent or a sibling when they were growing up, too. In some cultures this is

more prevalent, too.

Though one may think, how wonderful, this makes them very empathetic people -

and they are! - a lot of these people, now my age (mid 50's) have come to

realize how much they denied themselves in life, and also realize that many of

their relationships are based on other people's needs, and it is not a two-way

street.

A program like Al-Anon's is probably needed for a much wider segment of the

population to help them get past their early " enabler " programming, so they can

make meaningful and lasting adjustments in their current lives. I'm coming to

see that for myself, too. And as you suggest, in some cases, the whole family

needs to go through this process.

- Helen

>

> Hi Nanci

>

> Just to comment on your post. I just completed the addiction studies

> program in school and what you wrote is the foundation to addiction

> treatment and they are finding works with many other disorders as well.

>

> One of the biggest thinking errors we make is thinking **IF** my partner or

> family member got help it would solve all of our problems. I was guilty of

> that thinking too when I was married to an AS spouse. Courts can mandate

> treatment but it rarely works unless the person is ready, willing and open

> to change. Ironically it is normally family members or close friends that

> sabotage their recovery. Why? A variety of reasons, one being if they get

> healthy, everyone around them have to shift their roles and thought process

> as addiction like autism is a family affair. They say their is no such

> thing as a healthy family, just that some communicate and solve their

> challenges in a more healthy manner.

>

> I would agree setting healthy boundaries helps but one has to be strong to

> do it. These are the consequences and being strong enough to follow

> through. In one class I shared that when my ex stopped using cocaine, our

> problems got worse as his behavior became worse and he was easier to be

> around when he was using. I was surprised at how many recovering addicts

> said their wives said the same thing and left them. They said it was

> because they quit using but did not go into recovery and all the bad

> behavior was still there only now they could not blame the substance.

>

> One question I had as a future counselor was: " If treating the entire

> family is essential to recovery, how many families agree to go into

> treatment or buy into this concept? " The response was very few in the

> beginning. It normally takes several crisis when families have had enough

> financially, emotionally, health wise etc. to say, " I love you, but if U

> don't get help today, these are the consequences and mean it. I think it is

> the toughest thing U can do for a loved one.

>

> 12 step programs are not treatment but support, although mandated by courts

> like they breath air. There is a recent decision in the 9th circuit that

> now bars probation officers from mandating a 12 step program with other

> cases pending, not to say 12 steps is bad but it is not the ONLY path to the

> mountain and does not work for some folks. Clients should have more options

> to choose from.

>

> I do agree that it is a family affair and all members should seek their own

> counseling as well. The same is true with AS. Good counseling can't hurt

> and only make us stronger and healthier.

>

> Just me.

>

>

>

> PS I am glad Al-anon has helped you!!!!!!!!

>