Relationship

[Guest guest]

I often wonder how much I can expect from my boyfriend to understand and respect

my conditions. He has made some changes, like he started using a tissue to blow

his nose one a few years ago - before that, he considered to be disgusting and

constantly sniffled. He still does, but less so. It's like a nervous sniffling.

He also is careful about not slurping his cereal and soup and drinks any more

(for the most part) and agreed to switch all our utensils to plastic, because he

didn't really care anyway, and the clinking and biting down on spoon and fork

noise was driving me nuts. He complains sometimes as the plastic is not strong

enough, but I offered solutions, even so, I get these remarks and faces that

make me feel like crap for expecting this.

But, as time progresses, I pick up other things: snapping finger, whistling,

singing along, etc. These are done by him without thinking, especially since we

moved to our new place: three ice cream trucks are circling constantly and his

picks up on the tune (can't wait for winter!). I understand that it's

subconscious, but is it too much from me to expect that he would be more

considerate? It's the same circle: truck comes, he starts whistling, and if I

can't walk away from it quickly, I either shoot a mean or begging look or moan

to drown out the noise, and he gets upset and calls me crazy. He even told me

that it's the most horrible thing to not allow someone to whistle. Hon, I have

news for you, there are more horrible things, trust me

I even considered giving him a list, but I'm starting to doubt that he would

take it well. From where I see it, I made a multitude of changes and compromises

to my life to adjust to his needs, including limiting conversations or staying

in touch or talking on IM, etc: *consciously* limiting my needs as per his

request. All I'm asking is the same from him. I simply can't help my brain (and

I am continuously working on bettering control and avoidance as much as

possible), and his counter is that he can't help his snapping, that he should be

allowed to make faces all he wants, it shouldn't matter. But it hurts. When the

trigger comes, I try to not say anything, then I try to be really nice and

polite about it, but he always acts like I'm some sort of an opressor.

I'm starting to have doubts that he really loves me at all, the relationship is

becoming me catering to his needs (including financially supporting his

'dream'), and what I'm trying is to show him that I do care for him and hope the

more I give, the more he would give back. Not so. I keep sending him to the

website, to the articles and TV shows, but I have doubts he ever even looked at

one, because that would mean he would have to acknowledge all this and feel

guilty for treating me the way he does. When I found out that a friend's

girlfriend has misophonia and shared it with my boyfriend, his reaction was

'hah, you're perfect for each other'. Once, when I declined putting an air

freshener into the car while I was driving (we have this rule of who drives is

in control, ie of the radio and everything else), he got very upset and told me

he should just broke my nose to do me a favor. (he's never been physically

violent, I am positive he never would be). We've been together for over 6 years,

and he has yet to ask me once if the noise level is too high in the car (he

prefers loud). When I finally ask sometimes, because I feel claustrophobic from

the music, he ridicules me. He makes mean fun of me for not wanting to listen to

comedy first thing in the morning, when I prefer quiet or something harmonic.

I know, this is my problem, my condition. Can I expect someone who says loves me

to up the consideration level and stop looking at me like I'm trying to enslave

him into my problems? I love him, but at this point I feel I prefer being alone

rather than being treated like a mean b**** (even when I'm polite) due to

something I didn't do to myself or ask for? Do all our good qualities go out the

window when it comes to reacting to our reaction?

[Guest guest]

Wow! I can see where this is a tough situation. First I will say this. Whatever

I'm about to say is my personal opinion and that is all. Based on what I can see

from your post and from dealing with a very similar situation, it sounds like he

doesn't think its a real condition or syndrome. Therefore he makes certain

insensitive comments. He comes across as thinking its more of a simple pet

peeve for you. A really good heart to heärt might be in order. Also, because of

who we are and knowing that more and more sounds are going to effect us, you may

have to try and cope as best you can and in your heart to heart tell him that.

This situation can wear out a relationship. To the other person they may start

to feel as if everything they do is annoying, then start to get resentful of

everything. In a heart to heart its important to let him know you can understand

that he may be starting to resent what's going on. As I'm sure you know, when

you feel understood better, you feel better . Then I would let him know that the

face making makes you feel hurt and disrespected. Like he's making a joke of

how you feel. That's very hurtful. Basically there needs to be a talk that

really lays out all feelings and desires on both sides. Really think through

your feelings and how he might be feeling before the talk. Tell him a date and

time of when you want to have this convo and ask him to do the same. Maybe write

stuff down. Then when you meet up for a talk, there will be a meeting of the

minds and hearts. It sounds to me like he loves you. I don't think he would have

compromised at all if he didn't. While we can't help who we are we have to

always remember we are a little different in a way. This stuff doesn't bother

most. In the same breath, we deserve respect. Again all of this is only my

opinion. Take what helps and use it and dismiss the rest. I hope it helps a

little though.

--- In Soundsensitivity , " egerandi " wrote

>

> I often wonder how much I can expect from my boyfriend to understand and

respect my conditions. He has made some changes, like he started using a tissue

to blow his nose one a few years ago - before that, he considered to be

disgusting and constantly sniffled. He still does, but less so. It's like a

nervous sniffling. He also is careful about not slurping his cereal and soup and

drinks any more (for the most part) and agreed to switch all our utensils to

plastic, because he didn't really care anyway, and the clinking and biting down

on spoon and fork noise was driving me nuts. He complains sometimes as the

plastic is not strong enough, but I offered solutions, even so, I get these

remarks and faces that make me feel like crap for expecting this.

>

> But, as time progresses, I pick up other things: snapping finger, whistling,

singing along, etc. These are done by him without thinking, especially since we

moved to our new place: three ice cream trucks are circling constantly and his

picks up on the tune (can't wait for winter!). I understand that it's

subconscious, but is it too much from me to expect that he would be more

considerate? It's the same circle: truck comes, he starts whistling, and if I

can't walk away from it quickly, I either shoot a mean or begging look or moan

to drown out the noise, and he gets upset and calls me crazy. He even told me

that it's the most horrible thing to not allow someone to whistle. Hon, I have

news for you, there are more horrible things, trust me

>

> I even considered giving him a list, but I'm starting to doubt that he would

take it well. From where I see it, I made a multitude of changes and compromises

to my life to adjust to his needs, including limiting conversations or staying

in touch or talking on IM, etc: *consciously* limiting my needs as per his

request. All I'm asking is the same from him. I simply can't help my brain (and

I am continuously working on bettering control and avoidance as much as

possible), and his counter is that he can't help his snapping, that he should be

allowed to make faces all he wants, it shouldn't matter. But it hurts. When the

trigger comes, I try to not say anything, then I try to be really nice and

polite about it, but he always acts like I'm some sort of an opressor.

>

> I'm starting to have doubts that he really loves me at all, the relationship

is becoming me catering to his needs (including financially supporting his

'dream'), and what I'm trying is to show him that I do care for him and hope the

more I give, the more he would give back. Not so. I keep sending him to the

website, to the articles and TV shows, but I have doubts he ever even looked at

one, because that would mean he would have to acknowledge all this and feel

guilty for treating me the way he does. When I found out that a friend's

girlfriend has misophonia and shared it with my boyfriend, his reaction was

'hah, you're perfect for each other'. Once, when I declined putting an air

freshener into the car while I was driving (we have this rule of who drives is

in control, ie of the radio and everything else), he got very upset and told me

he should just broke my nose to do me a favor. (he's never been physically

violent, I am positive he never would be). We've been together for over 6 years,

and he has yet to ask me once if the noise level is too high in the car (he

prefers loud). When I finally ask sometimes, because I feel claustrophobic from

the music, he ridicules me. He makes mean fun of me for not wanting to listen to

comedy first thing in the morning, when I prefer quiet or something harmonic.

>

> I know, this is my problem, my condition. Can I expect someone who says loves

me to up the consideration level and stop looking at me like I'm trying to

enslave him into my problems? I love him, but at this point I feel I prefer

being alone rather than being treated like a mean b**** (even when I'm polite)

due to something I didn't do to myself or ask for? Do all our good qualities go

out the window when it comes to reacting to our reaction?

>

[Guest guest]

So sorry to hear this. As a veteran of a billion bad boyfriends, and a friend to

many people who have stayed with bad boyfriends for years and complained about

them nonstop, I would say that you need to take action if you want anything to

change. I advise you to tell him you need some time alone, because your noise

problem is a real problem for you, and then take off and go someplace else. Or

you could just leave with no warning. Pack your suitcase and go stay with a

friend or relative. If he sees you are serious, maybe he will be serious back.

Will he come crawling back on his knees? Put it to the test.

Also, how important is this relationship to you? Relationship problems tend to

worsen over time, not to improve. He says he loves you? He doesn't show you

love. He shows you contempt. If you really would prefer being alone, as you

write, then go ahead and be alone. You are financially supporting the dream of

this guy? Stop doing that now. Your note is full of red flags. Ask yourself if

your life is better with him or without him. It sounds to me that it is much

better without him. ly, he sounds like a mean spirited jerk.

I know I might sound harsh, but I have no patience for people who intentionally

treat others badly, especially those who are closest to them, who are the ones

they should be treating well.

>

> I often wonder how much I can expect from my boyfriend to understand and

respect my conditions. He has made some changes, like he started using a tissue

to blow his nose one a few years ago - before that, he considered to be

disgusting and constantly sniffled. He still does, but less so. It's like a

nervous sniffling. He also is careful about not slurping his cereal and soup and

drinks any more (for the most part) and agreed to switch all our utensils to

plastic, because he didn't really care anyway, and the clinking and biting down

on spoon and fork noise was driving me nuts. He complains sometimes as the

plastic is not strong enough, but I offered solutions, even so, I get these

remarks and faces that make me feel like crap for expecting this.

>

> But, as time progresses, I pick up other things: snapping finger, whistling,

singing along, etc. These are done by him without thinking, especially since we

moved to our new place: three ice cream trucks are circling constantly and his

picks up on the tune (can't wait for winter!). I understand that it's

subconscious, but is it too much from me to expect that he would be more

considerate? It's the same circle: truck comes, he starts whistling, and if I

can't walk away from it quickly, I either shoot a mean or begging look or moan

to drown out the noise, and he gets upset and calls me crazy. He even told me

that it's the most horrible thing to not allow someone to whistle. Hon, I have

news for you, there are more horrible things, trust me

>

> I even considered giving him a list, but I'm starting to doubt that he would

take it well. From where I see it, I made a multitude of changes and compromises

to my life to adjust to his needs, including limiting conversations or staying

in touch or talking on IM, etc: *consciously* limiting my needs as per his

request. All I'm asking is the same from him. I simply can't help my brain (and

I am continuously working on bettering control and avoidance as much as

possible), and his counter is that he can't help his snapping, that he should be

allowed to make faces all he wants, it shouldn't matter. But it hurts. When the

trigger comes, I try to not say anything, then I try to be really nice and

polite about it, but he always acts like I'm some sort of an opressor.

>

> I'm starting to have doubts that he really loves me at all, the relationship

is becoming me catering to his needs (including financially supporting his

'dream'), and what I'm trying is to show him that I do care for him and hope the

more I give, the more he would give back. Not so. I keep sending him to the

website, to the articles and TV shows, but I have doubts he ever even looked at

one, because that would mean he would have to acknowledge all this and feel

guilty for treating me the way he does. When I found out that a friend's

girlfriend has misophonia and shared it with my boyfriend, his reaction was

'hah, you're perfect for each other'. Once, when I declined putting an air

freshener into the car while I was driving (we have this rule of who drives is

in control, ie of the radio and everything else), he got very upset and told me

he should just broke my nose to do me a favor. (he's never been physically

violent, I am positive he never would be). We've been together for over 6 years,

and he has yet to ask me once if the noise level is too high in the car (he

prefers loud). When I finally ask sometimes, because I feel claustrophobic from

the music, he ridicules me. He makes mean fun of me for not wanting to listen to

comedy first thing in the morning, when I prefer quiet or something harmonic.

>

> I know, this is my problem, my condition. Can I expect someone who says loves

me to up the consideration level and stop looking at me like I'm trying to

enslave him into my problems? I love him, but at this point I feel I prefer

being alone rather than being treated like a mean b**** (even when I'm polite)

due to something I didn't do to myself or ask for? Do all our good qualities go

out the window when it comes to reacting to our reaction?

>

[Guest guest]

I have lived with this condition for about 43 yrs. Now granted, I was married to a narcissistic sociopath, but I didnt know that until fairly recently. Before that, I always thought that, though embarrassed, my misophonia and tendency to repeat was not a marriage breaker. Later I found out that he got resentful very early in our marriage, led a double life (he travelled frequently for work), had numerous affairs, was a major alcoholic and racked up debt at strip clubs. Was this because of my misophonia, or did I really have anything to do with his behavior? All I'm saying is just be careful, sometimes you find out too late how more and more resentful they become and some are sick enough to punish you for your problems. To: Soundsensitivity Sent: Thursday, October 20, 2011 6:24 AMSubject: Re: Relationship

Wow! I can see where this is a tough situation. First I will say this. Whatever I'm about to say is my personal opinion and that is all. Based on what I can see from your post and from dealing with a very similar situation, it sounds like he doesn't think its a real condition or syndrome. Therefore he makes certain insensitive comments. He comes across as thinking its more of a simple pet peeve for you. A really good heart to heärt might be in order. Also, because of who we are and knowing that more and more sounds are going to effect us, you may have to try and cope as best you can and in your heart to heart tell him that. This situation can wear out a relationship. To the other person they may start to feel as if everything they do is annoying, then start to get resentful of everything. In a heart to heart its important to let him know you can understand that he may be starting to resent what's going on. As I'm sure you know, when you

feel understood better, you feel better . Then I would let him know that the face making makes you feel hurt and disrespected. Like he's making a joke of how you feel. That's very hurtful. Basically there needs to be a talk that really lays out all feelings and desires on both sides. Really think through your feelings and how he might be feeling before the talk. Tell him a date and time of when you want to have this convo and ask him to do the same. Maybe write stuff down. Then when you meet up for a talk, there will be a meeting of the minds and hearts. It sounds to me like he loves you. I don't think he would have compromised at all if he didn't. While we can't help who we are we have to always remember we are a little different in a way. This stuff doesn't bother most. In the same breath, we deserve respect. Again all of this is only my opinion. Take what helps and use it and dismiss the rest. I hope it helps a little though.

--- In Soundsensitivity , "egerandi" wrote

>

> I often wonder how much I can expect from my boyfriend to understand and respect my conditions. He has made some changes, like he started using a tissue to blow his nose one a few years ago - before that, he considered to be disgusting and constantly sniffled. He still does, but less so. It's like a nervous sniffling. He also is careful about not slurping his cereal and soup and drinks any more (for the most part) and agreed to switch all our utensils to plastic, because he didn't really care anyway, and the clinking and biting down on spoon and fork noise was driving me nuts. He complains sometimes as the plastic is not strong enough, but I offered solutions, even so, I get these remarks and faces that make me feel like crap for expecting this.

>

> But, as time progresses, I pick up other things: snapping finger, whistling, singing along, etc. These are done by him without thinking, especially since we moved to our new place: three ice cream trucks are circling constantly and his picks up on the tune (can't wait for winter!). I understand that it's subconscious, but is it too much from me to expect that he would be more considerate? It's the same circle: truck comes, he starts whistling, and if I can't walk away from it quickly, I either shoot a mean or begging look or moan to drown out the noise, and he gets upset and calls me crazy. He even told me that it's the most horrible thing to not allow someone to whistle. Hon, I have news for you, there are more horrible things, trust me

>

> I even considered giving him a list, but I'm starting to doubt that he would take it well. From where I see it, I made a multitude of changes and compromises to my life to adjust to his needs, including limiting conversations or staying in touch or talking on IM, etc: *consciously* limiting my needs as per his request. All I'm asking is the same from him. I simply can't help my brain (and I am continuously working on bettering control and avoidance as much as possible), and his counter is that he can't help his snapping, that he should be allowed to make faces all he wants, it shouldn't matter. But it hurts. When the trigger comes, I try to not say anything, then I try to be really nice and polite about it, but he always acts like I'm some sort of an opressor.

>

> I'm starting to have doubts that he really loves me at all, the relationship is becoming me catering to his needs (including financially supporting his 'dream'), and what I'm trying is to show him that I do care for him and hope the more I give, the more he would give back. Not so. I keep sending him to the website, to the articles and TV shows, but I have doubts he ever even looked at one, because that would mean he would have to acknowledge all this and feel guilty for treating me the way he does. When I found out that a friend's girlfriend has misophonia and shared it with my boyfriend, his reaction was 'hah, you're perfect for each other'. Once, when I declined putting an air freshener into the car while I was driving (we have this rule of who drives is in control, ie of the radio and everything else), he got very upset and told me he should just broke my nose to do me a favor. (he's never been physically violent, I am positive he never would

be). We've been together for over 6 years, and he has yet to ask me once if the noise level is too high in the car (he prefers loud). When I finally ask sometimes, because I feel claustrophobic from the music, he ridicules me. He makes mean fun of me for not wanting to listen to comedy first thing in the morning, when I prefer quiet or something harmonic.

>

> I know, this is my problem, my condition. Can I expect someone who says loves me to up the consideration level and stop looking at me like I'm trying to enslave him into my problems? I love him, but at this point I feel I prefer being alone rather than being treated like a mean b**** (even when I'm polite) due to something I didn't do to myself or ask for? Do all our good qualities go out the window when it comes to reacting to our reaction?

>

[Guest guest]

If your noise sensitivity is creating friction with your boyfriend, I'd say get

out. My husband is the same. I am sick and tired of him causing fights over it.

He seems to have more noisy mucus and saliva than anyone else in the world and

continues to make noises like I never ever asked him to keep it down. Judging

from what I am reading of others' experiences in this group, there are many more

considerate and caring potential significant others for you out there. You can

do better. I've been married to my husband for over 22 years now, and I can tell

you it does not get better when they are insensitive to your sensitivities. You

want to feel peace and comfort with your mate, not more aggravation than you are

already experiencing. Who needs that? I say run screaming for the airport.

[Guest guest]

Well...for my two cents... A lot of what you wrote about is the same issue that

many of us women have faced. We give...and it doesn't work. We give more in

hopes that a man will give back. And it ends up still not working. Why?

Because you're giving and he's taking. You give more, so he takes more. What

incentive does he have to start giving? He's getting everything and you're

making it even easier for him. Why should he change? At this point it doesn't

sound like he even wants to. Any change has to come from him, not you doing

something to make him change. Someone mentioned having a long talk. Yes, but

not at this point. Not yet. The only way, I think, to get his attention on

this is to say something like " I feel down and I'm hurting and I need to be by

myself for now. " You're stating how you feel. Period. No accusations. No

" why are you hurting me? " stuff. Then pack up your stuff (or a suitcase) and

leave. Even if he's yelling at you or making snide comments. Just say nothing

back, other than possibly repeating yourself, and follow through. If you think

he really does love you, he'll try to get you back. Don't drop everything after

2 minutes and say " okay " . He has to give you a reason to come back. He has to

win you over. You are not less of a person because of the misophonia. Everyone

has some issue (or more than one) to deal with, including him. He's not better

than you. But he's hurt you so he has to make it right. Then you can have the

long talk. Just remember that every time you lean forward to give, give,

give... he's just going to lean back and take, take, take. Learn to say " I

don't want to hurt all the time. I'm a worthy person and my needs and feelings

are important. " He won't value you if you don't value yourself.

This is all stuff we know but tend to forget or lose focus on. Anyway, just my

advice that you may take or leave. I wish you a lot of strength and good luck.

I'm learning, or " re-learning " , all of this myself. It's not always easy.

>

> I often wonder how much I can expect from my boyfriend to understand and

respect my conditions. He has made some changes, like he started using a tissue

to blow his nose one a few years ago - before that, he considered to be

disgusting and constantly sniffled. He still does, but less so. It's like a

nervous sniffling. He also is careful about not slurping his cereal and soup and

drinks any more (for the most part) and agreed to switch all our utensils to

plastic, because he didn't really care anyway, and the clinking and biting down

on spoon and fork noise was driving me nuts. He complains sometimes as the

plastic is not strong enough, but I offered solutions, even so, I get these

remarks and faces that make me feel like crap for expecting this.

>

> But, as time progresses, I pick up other things: snapping finger, whistling,

singing along, etc. These are done by him without thinking, especially since we

moved to our new place: three ice cream trucks are circling constantly and his

picks up on the tune (can't wait for winter!). I understand that it's

subconscious, but is it too much from me to expect that he would be more

considerate? It's the same circle: truck comes, he starts whistling, and if I

can't walk away from it quickly, I either shoot a mean or begging look or moan

to drown out the noise, and he gets upset and calls me crazy. He even told me

that it's the most horrible thing to not allow someone to whistle. Hon, I have

news for you, there are more horrible things, trust me

>

> I even considered giving him a list, but I'm starting to doubt that he would

take it well. From where I see it, I made a multitude of changes and compromises

to my life to adjust to his needs, including limiting conversations or staying

in touch or talking on IM, etc: *consciously* limiting my needs as per his

request. All I'm asking is the same from him. I simply can't help my brain (and

I am continuously working on bettering control and avoidance as much as

possible), and his counter is that he can't help his snapping, that he should be

allowed to make faces all he wants, it shouldn't matter. But it hurts. When the

trigger comes, I try to not say anything, then I try to be really nice and

polite about it, but he always acts like I'm some sort of an opressor.

>

> I'm starting to have doubts that he really loves me at all, the relationship

is becoming me catering to his needs (including financially supporting his

'dream'), and what I'm trying is to show him that I do care for him and hope the

more I give, the more he would give back. Not so. I keep sending him to the

website, to the articles and TV shows, but I have doubts he ever even looked at

one, because that would mean he would have to acknowledge all this and feel

guilty for treating me the way he does. When I found out that a friend's

girlfriend has misophonia and shared it with my boyfriend, his reaction was

'hah, you're perfect for each other'. Once, when I declined putting an air

freshener into the car while I was driving (we have this rule of who drives is

in control, ie of the radio and everything else), he got very upset and told me

he should just broke my nose to do me a favor. (he's never been physically

violent, I am positive he never would be). We've been together for over 6 years,

and he has yet to ask me once if the noise level is too high in the car (he

prefers loud). When I finally ask sometimes, because I feel claustrophobic from

the music, he ridicules me. He makes mean fun of me for not wanting to listen to

comedy first thing in the morning, when I prefer quiet or something harmonic.

>

> I know, this is my problem, my condition. Can I expect someone who says loves

me to up the consideration level and stop looking at me like I'm trying to

enslave him into my problems? I love him, but at this point I feel I prefer

being alone rather than being treated like a mean b**** (even when I'm polite)

due to something I didn't do to myself or ask for? Do all our good qualities go

out the window when it comes to reacting to our reaction?

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you everybody for your input. Deep down I have known this, but it helps to

get it confirmed. He's currently away for two weeks on a job, but then the

traveling ends and back to reality. I'm fine alone, I do my things like those I

initially put aside because I kept waiting and hoping for him to join in. We

have other issues as well, and my condition just put an emphasis on the fact

that maybe we shouldn't be together. Because of the possible genetic aspect of

misophonia, I have decided not to have children: I couldn't bear the thought

that they may have it too. I have a few years left though, so if science decides

to make it happen for us, then maybe, one day... So yeah, I don't need a man

in my life for that. He's not really a companion anyway, but I love him for

other qualities. But, I love myself too, and I know I deserve better, regardless

of the gravity of my sensitivity. Not everybody can deal with it, and I have to

accept that, but I don't have to accept treated negatively because of that.

I pay for our home, the food and everything else, so if someone has to leave

that will be him. I will keep in mind that maybe packing a suitcase and finding

a willing friend to put me up may be easier on my sanity, and my boss lets me

work from home anyway.

I get emotional in fights and am afraid to make and say final decisions out

loud, but this time I will be writing it all down (thank you for the

suggestion). I have been giving him the benefit of the doubt that I am not

expressing my needs carefully and understandably enough, so once and for all,

he'll hear what's in my mind and heart. If he doesn't want to listen and

dismiss, that's fine, I will respect his choice. In turn, I expect him to do the

same. He's not a monster. I have been in an awful physically and emotionally

abusive relationship before (somehow my misophonia wasn't apparent too much,

only some eating noises), and I kept comparing this to that 'at least he doesn't

hit me...' - but that's just not enough, I want to be happy, and if I have to be

alone for that, I'm fine with and ready for it.

>

> I often wonder how much I can expect from my boyfriend to understand and

respect my conditions. He has made some changes, like he started using a tissue

to blow his nose one a few years ago - before that, he considered to be

disgusting and constantly sniffled. He still does, but less so. It's like a

nervous sniffling. He also is careful about not slurping his cereal and soup and

drinks any more (for the most part) and agreed to switch all our utensils to

plastic, because he didn't really care anyway, and the clinking and biting down

on spoon and fork noise was driving me nuts. He complains sometimes as the

plastic is not strong enough, but I offered solutions, even so, I get these

remarks and faces that make me feel like crap for expecting this.

>

> But, as time progresses, I pick up other things: snapping finger, whistling,

singing along, etc. These are done by him without thinking, especially since we

moved to our new place: three ice cream trucks are circling constantly and his

picks up on the tune (can't wait for winter!). I understand that it's

subconscious, but is it too much from me to expect that he would be more

considerate? It's the same circle: truck comes, he starts whistling, and if I

can't walk away from it quickly, I either shoot a mean or begging look or moan

to drown out the noise, and he gets upset and calls me crazy. He even told me

that it's the most horrible thing to not allow someone to whistle. Hon, I have

news for you, there are more horrible things, trust me

>

> I even considered giving him a list, but I'm starting to doubt that he would

take it well. From where I see it, I made a multitude of changes and compromises

to my life to adjust to his needs, including limiting conversations or staying

in touch or talking on IM, etc: *consciously* limiting my needs as per his

request. All I'm asking is the same from him. I simply can't help my brain (and

I am continuously working on bettering control and avoidance as much as

possible), and his counter is that he can't help his snapping, that he should be

allowed to make faces all he wants, it shouldn't matter. But it hurts. When the

trigger comes, I try to not say anything, then I try to be really nice and

polite about it, but he always acts like I'm some sort of an opressor.

>

> I'm starting to have doubts that he really loves me at all, the relationship

is becoming me catering to his needs (including financially supporting his

'dream'), and what I'm trying is to show him that I do care for him and hope the

more I give, the more he would give back. Not so. I keep sending him to the

website, to the articles and TV shows, but I have doubts he ever even looked at

one, because that would mean he would have to acknowledge all this and feel

guilty for treating me the way he does. When I found out that a friend's

girlfriend has misophonia and shared it with my boyfriend, his reaction was

'hah, you're perfect for each other'. Once, when I declined putting an air

freshener into the car while I was driving (we have this rule of who drives is

in control, ie of the radio and everything else), he got very upset and told me

he should just broke my nose to do me a favor. (he's never been physically

violent, I am positive he never would be). We've been together for over 6 years,

and he has yet to ask me once if the noise level is too high in the car (he

prefers loud). When I finally ask sometimes, because I feel claustrophobic from

the music, he ridicules me. He makes mean fun of me for not wanting to listen to

comedy first thing in the morning, when I prefer quiet or something harmonic.

>

> I know, this is my problem, my condition. Can I expect someone who says loves

me to up the consideration level and stop looking at me like I'm trying to

enslave him into my problems? I love him, but at this point I feel I prefer

being alone rather than being treated like a mean b**** (even when I'm polite)

due to something I didn't do to myself or ask for? Do all our good qualities go

out the window when it comes to reacting to our reaction?

>

[Guest guest]

I have to say, I respect your courage for making a difficult (and probably

scary) decision. any time you need to vent or feel like you could use some

support, we're all here for you.

Best of luck,

Kate

> >

> > I often wonder how much I can expect from my boyfriend to understand and

respect my conditions. He has made some changes, like he started using a tissue

to blow his nose one a few years ago - before that, he considered to be

disgusting and constantly sniffled. He still does, but less so. It's like a

nervous sniffling. He also is careful about not slurping his cereal and soup and

drinks any more (for the most part) and agreed to switch all our utensils to

plastic, because he didn't really care anyway, and the clinking and biting down

on spoon and fork noise was driving me nuts. He complains sometimes as the

plastic is not strong enough, but I offered solutions, even so, I get these

remarks and faces that make me feel like crap for expecting this.

> >

> > But, as time progresses, I pick up other things: snapping finger, whistling,

singing along, etc. These are done by him without thinking, especially since we

moved to our new place: three ice cream trucks are circling constantly and his

picks up on the tune (can't wait for winter!). I understand that it's

subconscious, but is it too much from me to expect that he would be more

considerate? It's the same circle: truck comes, he starts whistling, and if I

can't walk away from it quickly, I either shoot a mean or begging look or moan

to drown out the noise, and he gets upset and calls me crazy. He even told me

that it's the most horrible thing to not allow someone to whistle. Hon, I have

news for you, there are more horrible things, trust me

> >

> > I even considered giving him a list, but I'm starting to doubt that he would

take it well. From where I see it, I made a multitude of changes and compromises

to my life to adjust to his needs, including limiting conversations or staying

in touch or talking on IM, etc: *consciously* limiting my needs as per his

request. All I'm asking is the same from him. I simply can't help my brain (and

I am continuously working on bettering control and avoidance as much as

possible), and his counter is that he can't help his snapping, that he should be

allowed to make faces all he wants, it shouldn't matter. But it hurts. When the

trigger comes, I try to not say anything, then I try to be really nice and

polite about it, but he always acts like I'm some sort of an opressor.

> >

> > I'm starting to have doubts that he really loves me at all, the relationship

is becoming me catering to his needs (including financially supporting his

'dream'), and what I'm trying is to show him that I do care for him and hope the

more I give, the more he would give back. Not so. I keep sending him to the

website, to the articles and TV shows, but I have doubts he ever even looked at

one, because that would mean he would have to acknowledge all this and feel

guilty for treating me the way he does. When I found out that a friend's

girlfriend has misophonia and shared it with my boyfriend, his reaction was

'hah, you're perfect for each other'. Once, when I declined putting an air

freshener into the car while I was driving (we have this rule of who drives is

in control, ie of the radio and everything else), he got very upset and told me

he should just broke my nose to do me a favor. (he's never been physically

violent, I am positive he never would be). We've been together for over 6 years,

and he has yet to ask me once if the noise level is too high in the car (he

prefers loud). When I finally ask sometimes, because I feel claustrophobic from

the music, he ridicules me. He makes mean fun of me for not wanting to listen to

comedy first thing in the morning, when I prefer quiet or something harmonic.

> >

> > I know, this is my problem, my condition. Can I expect someone who says

loves me to up the consideration level and stop looking at me like I'm trying to

enslave him into my problems? I love him, but at this point I feel I prefer

being alone rather than being treated like a mean b**** (even when I'm polite)

due to something I didn't do to myself or ask for? Do all our good qualities go

out the window when it comes to reacting to our reaction?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I agree with Mel. Lucky for me....I have found one of the great ones! My poor husband eats his chips outside and hides in a corner with his laptop so I won't hear any clicking. He came to my office and put a bass speaker up against my wall so I could counter attack my noisy neighbors in a showroom next door. I really should count my blessings after reading some of these! If he can't accept you now, it most likely won't get better. Now my husband preaches to others about me being a Highly Sensitive, etc. I think I'll give him an extra hug tonight!To: Soundsensitivity Sent: Thursday, October 20, 2011 8:40 AMSubject: Re: Relationship

If your noise sensitivity is creating friction with your boyfriend, I'd say get out. My husband is the same. I am sick and tired of him causing fights over it. He seems to have more noisy mucus and saliva than anyone else in the world and continues to make noises like I never ever asked him to keep it down. Judging from what I am reading of others' experiences in this group, there are many more considerate and caring potential significant others for you out there. You can do better. I've been married to my husband for over 22 years now, and I can tell you it does not get better when they are insensitive to your sensitivities. You want to feel peace and comfort with your mate, not more aggravation than you are already experiencing. Who needs that? I say run screaming for the airport.

[Guest guest]

My ex-husband chews his tongue all the time, it's stress release. He learned it as an infant as a way of self-soothing because his mother neglected him and went on to abuse him. Because of all that I could never ask him to stop. It was a hard noise to live with.And I agree, you must take care of yourself.Heidi

I once dated a guy who would chew his tongue - yes - literally. He would do it as he was driving, or in situations where he might feel a little awkward.. Well, he was the awkward type, haha. When we first started dating I told him about the irritation I would experience with eating noises and such. He was so sweet when we first started dating. He knew of his habit of chewing his tongue and wanted to stop the habit anyway, so he asked me if I would just remind him when he would do it. We agreed that I would simply say "chewing" and that would be the word to remind him. That worked for maybe a week tops. He then would became very aggrivated when I would tell him he was "chewing" I always said it gently, I always asked politely if he was

smacking etc. This is something I have had to deal with for as long as I can remember, so I understand that it can be hard for someone else to adjust to. Anyway, one evening we were driving back to his place from his parents, a 45 minute drive, and he started to chew his tongue. I said "chewing" and he completely lost it. He started asking me in very condescending ways what happened to me that made me hate those sounds. He insisted that something horrible had happened to me in my childhood that I was blocking from my memory. He was driving bad because of his temper and it was immediately clear to me this wasn't going to work. He was totally right! Something horrible did happen in my childhood, but it wasn't blocked. The horrible memories are of my family being angry that the sounds bothered me. The horrible memories are of my father being one of the noisiest eaters and intentionally smacking in my

ear as I walk by. Hurtful memories of someone being inconsiderate and abusive in that way. And the now clear situation that this guy was just like my dad. Short temper, bad driver, horrible table manners, and vengeful. I wanted to go home, but I knew that it would be another 30 min in the car and he would be even angrier, we were almost at his place, and I didn't have my car. We went inside, where the conversation escalated to the point that he punched his clothes, another bad sign... at what point would that violence turn to me? This behavior after only one month??? He left for a walk, and I called my mother to pick me up. I broke up with him the next day. Anyway, all this to say. I would not stay with someone that does not respect me, my feelings, or cannot be understanding of my needs. If he is insensitive and makes you feel like less

of a person for it, or that you are crazy, he is not worth investing all your heart, your love, and your life into. You deserve someone that will lift you up, support you, and wants you to be happy. You deserve to be with someone that makes it possible for you to feel good about yourself. 6 years is a long time to be with someone who treats you the way your bf does. My sister was in a relationship for 20 years with a man who made her feel like crap about herself, and made her feel crazy for her feelings. I don't know your situation, I don't know your boyfriend, I don't know what he is like beyond what you have written, but it doesn't sound like its going to get any better. I know it is hard to leave a relationship, especially the despair of thinking that Nobody will understand, or that you may end up alone because of this. I have felt that way many times. After ending a 2 year relationship with a wonderful guy

who was very supportive and great in so many ways (we broke up because of his religion...), I was afraid I wouldn't find anyone else. I dated several people and it took me 2 years to find the man that I am now engaged to. There are great men out there, we just have to know how to recognize them. I am thinking this group should have the ability to build profiles. Then we could find friends where we live, and you could meet someone that totally gets you! Good luck!

[Guest guest]

You go girl!! Time to put on your big girl panties and deal with it!!:)Sex And the city, and eat pray love helps during a break up.. And there's a good book called in The meantime by ilanyna vanzant. It'll help alot!Good luck!!Sent from a cloud

I have to say, I respect your courage for making a difficult (and probably scary) decision. any time you need to vent or feel like you could use some support, we're all here for you.

Best of luck,

Kate

> >

> > I often wonder how much I can expect from my boyfriend to understand and respect my conditions. He has made some changes, like he started using a tissue to blow his nose one a few years ago - before that, he considered to be disgusting and constantly sniffled. He still does, but less so. It's like a nervous sniffling. He also is careful about not slurping his cereal and soup and drinks any more (for the most part) and agreed to switch all our utensils to plastic, because he didn't really care anyway, and the clinking and biting down on spoon and fork noise was driving me nuts. He complains sometimes as the plastic is not strong enough, but I offered solutions, even so, I get these remarks and faces that make me feel like crap for expecting this.

> >

> > But, as time progresses, I pick up other things: snapping finger, whistling, singing along, etc. These are done by him without thinking, especially since we moved to our new place: three ice cream trucks are circling constantly and his picks up on the tune (can't wait for winter!). I understand that it's subconscious, but is it too much from me to expect that he would be more considerate? It's the same circle: truck comes, he starts whistling, and if I can't walk away from it quickly, I either shoot a mean or begging look or moan to drown out the noise, and he gets upset and calls me crazy. He even told me that it's the most horrible thing to not allow someone to whistle. Hon, I have news for you, there are more horrible things, trust me

> >

> > I even considered giving him a list, but I'm starting to doubt that he would take it well. From where I see it, I made a multitude of changes and compromises to my life to adjust to his needs, including limiting conversations or staying in touch or talking on IM, etc: *consciously* limiting my needs as per his request. All I'm asking is the same from him. I simply can't help my brain (and I am continuously working on bettering control and avoidance as much as possible), and his counter is that he can't help his snapping, that he should be allowed to make faces all he wants, it shouldn't matter. But it hurts. When the trigger comes, I try to not say anything, then I try to be really nice and polite about it, but he always acts like I'm some sort of an opressor.

> >

> > I'm starting to have doubts that he really loves me at all, the relationship is becoming me catering to his needs (including financially supporting his 'dream'), and what I'm trying is to show him that I do care for him and hope the more I give, the more he would give back. Not so. I keep sending him to the website, to the articles and TV shows, but I have doubts he ever even looked at one, because that would mean he would have to acknowledge all this and feel guilty for treating me the way he does. When I found out that a friend's girlfriend has misophonia and shared it with my boyfriend, his reaction was 'hah, you're perfect for each other'. Once, when I declined putting an air freshener into the car while I was driving (we have this rule of who drives is in control, ie of the radio and everything else), he got very upset and told me he should just broke my nose to do me a favor. (he's never been physically violent, I am positive he never would be). We've been together for over 6 years, and he has yet to ask me once if the noise level is too high in the car (he prefers loud). When I finally ask sometimes, because I feel claustrophobic from the music, he ridicules me. He makes mean fun of me for not wanting to listen to comedy first thing in the morning, when I prefer quiet or something harmonic.

> >

> > I know, this is my problem, my condition. Can I expect someone who says loves me to up the consideration level and stop looking at me like I'm trying to enslave him into my problems? I love him, but at this point I feel I prefer being alone rather than being treated like a mean b**** (even when I'm polite) due to something I didn't do to myself or ask for? Do all our good qualities go out the window when it comes to reacting to our reaction?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

You go girl!! Time to put on your big girl panties and deal with it!!:)Sex And the city, and eat pray love helps during a break up.. And there's a good book called in The meantime by ilanyna vanzant. It'll help alot!Good luck!!Sent from a cloud

I have to say, I respect your courage for making a difficult (and probably scary) decision. any time you need to vent or feel like you could use some support, we're all here for you.

Best of luck,

Kate

> >

> > I often wonder how much I can expect from my boyfriend to understand and respect my conditions. He has made some changes, like he started using a tissue to blow his nose one a few years ago - before that, he considered to be disgusting and constantly sniffled. He still does, but less so. It's like a nervous sniffling. He also is careful about not slurping his cereal and soup and drinks any more (for the most part) and agreed to switch all our utensils to plastic, because he didn't really care anyway, and the clinking and biting down on spoon and fork noise was driving me nuts. He complains sometimes as the plastic is not strong enough, but I offered solutions, even so, I get these remarks and faces that make me feel like crap for expecting this.

> >

> > But, as time progresses, I pick up other things: snapping finger, whistling, singing along, etc. These are done by him without thinking, especially since we moved to our new place: three ice cream trucks are circling constantly and his picks up on the tune (can't wait for winter!). I understand that it's subconscious, but is it too much from me to expect that he would be more considerate? It's the same circle: truck comes, he starts whistling, and if I can't walk away from it quickly, I either shoot a mean or begging look or moan to drown out the noise, and he gets upset and calls me crazy. He even told me that it's the most horrible thing to not allow someone to whistle. Hon, I have news for you, there are more horrible things, trust me

> >

> > I even considered giving him a list, but I'm starting to doubt that he would take it well. From where I see it, I made a multitude of changes and compromises to my life to adjust to his needs, including limiting conversations or staying in touch or talking on IM, etc: *consciously* limiting my needs as per his request. All I'm asking is the same from him. I simply can't help my brain (and I am continuously working on bettering control and avoidance as much as possible), and his counter is that he can't help his snapping, that he should be allowed to make faces all he wants, it shouldn't matter. But it hurts. When the trigger comes, I try to not say anything, then I try to be really nice and polite about it, but he always acts like I'm some sort of an opressor.

> >

> > I'm starting to have doubts that he really loves me at all, the relationship is becoming me catering to his needs (including financially supporting his 'dream'), and what I'm trying is to show him that I do care for him and hope the more I give, the more he would give back. Not so. I keep sending him to the website, to the articles and TV shows, but I have doubts he ever even looked at one, because that would mean he would have to acknowledge all this and feel guilty for treating me the way he does. When I found out that a friend's girlfriend has misophonia and shared it with my boyfriend, his reaction was 'hah, you're perfect for each other'. Once, when I declined putting an air freshener into the car while I was driving (we have this rule of who drives is in control, ie of the radio and everything else), he got very upset and told me he should just broke my nose to do me a favor. (he's never been physically violent, I am positive he never would be). We've been together for over 6 years, and he has yet to ask me once if the noise level is too high in the car (he prefers loud). When I finally ask sometimes, because I feel claustrophobic from the music, he ridicules me. He makes mean fun of me for not wanting to listen to comedy first thing in the morning, when I prefer quiet or something harmonic.

> >

> > I know, this is my problem, my condition. Can I expect someone who says loves me to up the consideration level and stop looking at me like I'm trying to enslave him into my problems? I love him, but at this point I feel I prefer being alone rather than being treated like a mean b**** (even when I'm polite) due to something I didn't do to myself or ask for? Do all our good qualities go out the window when it comes to reacting to our reaction?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Im happy you have made some choices to get to the bottom of everything. I have

to say Im surprised at the number of responses that encourage you to leave him,

but I do understand. I definetly would not want to encourage staying where you

are treated with disrespect. Anyway, it sounds to me you have a good plan going,

and I definetly agree, if you sit down and tell him everything you feel and he

acts as if its nothing, time to go. Its good that you are self relient, that

will definetly be to your advantage. I wish you the best!!!

> > > >

> > > > I often wonder how much I can expect from my boyfriend to understand and

respect my conditions. He has made some changes, like he started using a tissue

to blow his nose one a few years ago - before that, he considered to be

disgusting and constantly sniffled. He still does, but less so. It's like a

nervous sniffling. He also is careful about not slurping his cereal and soup and

drinks any more (for the most part) and agreed to switch all our utensils to

plastic, because he didn't really care anyway, and the clinking and biting down

on spoon and fork noise was driving me nuts. He complains sometimes as the

plastic is not strong enough, but I offered solutions, even so, I get these

remarks and faces that make me feel like crap for expecting this.

> > > >

> > > > But, as time progresses, I pick up other things: snapping finger,

whistling, singing along, etc. These are done by him without thinking,

especially since we moved to our new place: three ice cream trucks are circling

constantly and his picks up on the tune (can't wait for winter!). I understand

that it's subconscious, but is it too much from me to expect that he would be

more considerate? It's the same circle: truck comes, he starts whistling, and if

I can't walk away from it quickly, I either shoot a mean or begging look or moan

to drown out the noise, and he gets upset and calls me crazy. He even told me

that it's the most horrible thing to not allow someone to whistle. Hon, I have

news for you, there are more horrible things, trust me

> > > >

> > > > I even considered giving him a list, but I'm starting to doubt that he

would take it well. From where I see it, I made a multitude of changes and

compromises to my life to adjust to his needs, including limiting conversations

or staying in touch or talking on IM, etc: *consciously* limiting my needs as

per his request. All I'm asking is the same from him. I simply can't help my

brain (and I am continuously working on bettering control and avoidance as much

as possible), and his counter is that he can't help his snapping, that he should

be allowed to make faces all he wants, it shouldn't matter. But it hurts. When

the trigger comes, I try to not say anything, then I try to be really nice and

polite about it, but he always acts like I'm some sort of an opressor.

> > > >

> > > > I'm starting to have doubts that he really loves me at all, the

relationship is becoming me catering to his needs (including financially

supporting his 'dream'), and what I'm trying is to show him that I do care for

him and hope the more I give, the more he would give back. Not so. I keep

sending him to the website, to the articles and TV shows, but I have doubts he

ever even looked at one, because that would mean he would have to acknowledge

all this and feel guilty for treating me the way he does. When I found out that

a friend's girlfriend has misophonia and shared it with my boyfriend, his

reaction was 'hah, you're perfect for each other'. Once, when I declined putting

an air freshener into the car while I was driving (we have this rule of who

drives is in control, ie of the radio and everything else), he got very upset

and told me he should just broke my nose to do me a favor. (he's never been

physically violent, I am positive he never would be). We've been together for

over 6 years, and he has yet to ask me once if the noise level is too high in

the car (he prefers loud). When I finally ask sometimes, because I feel

claustrophobic from the music, he ridicules me. He makes mean fun of me for not

wanting to listen to comedy first thing in the morning, when I prefer quiet or

something harmonic.

> > > >

> > > > I know, this is my problem, my condition. Can I expect someone who says

loves me to up the consideration level and stop looking at me like I'm trying to

enslave him into my problems? I love him, but at this point I feel I prefer

being alone rather than being treated like a mean b**** (even when I'm polite)

due to something I didn't do to myself or ask for? Do all our good qualities go

out the window when it comes to reacting to our reaction?

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Im happy you have made some choices to get to the bottom of everything. I have

to say Im surprised at the number of responses that encourage you to leave him,

but I do understand. I definetly would not want to encourage staying where you

are treated with disrespect. Anyway, it sounds to me you have a good plan going,

and I definetly agree, if you sit down and tell him everything you feel and he

acts as if its nothing, time to go. Its good that you are self relient, that

will definetly be to your advantage. I wish you the best!!!

> > > >

> > > > I often wonder how much I can expect from my boyfriend to understand and

respect my conditions. He has made some changes, like he started using a tissue

to blow his nose one a few years ago - before that, he considered to be

disgusting and constantly sniffled. He still does, but less so. It's like a

nervous sniffling. He also is careful about not slurping his cereal and soup and

drinks any more (for the most part) and agreed to switch all our utensils to

plastic, because he didn't really care anyway, and the clinking and biting down

on spoon and fork noise was driving me nuts. He complains sometimes as the

plastic is not strong enough, but I offered solutions, even so, I get these

remarks and faces that make me feel like crap for expecting this.

> > > >

> > > > But, as time progresses, I pick up other things: snapping finger,

whistling, singing along, etc. These are done by him without thinking,

especially since we moved to our new place: three ice cream trucks are circling

constantly and his picks up on the tune (can't wait for winter!). I understand

that it's subconscious, but is it too much from me to expect that he would be

more considerate? It's the same circle: truck comes, he starts whistling, and if

I can't walk away from it quickly, I either shoot a mean or begging look or moan

to drown out the noise, and he gets upset and calls me crazy. He even told me

that it's the most horrible thing to not allow someone to whistle. Hon, I have

news for you, there are more horrible things, trust me

> > > >

> > > > I even considered giving him a list, but I'm starting to doubt that he

would take it well. From where I see it, I made a multitude of changes and

compromises to my life to adjust to his needs, including limiting conversations

or staying in touch or talking on IM, etc: *consciously* limiting my needs as

per his request. All I'm asking is the same from him. I simply can't help my

brain (and I am continuously working on bettering control and avoidance as much

as possible), and his counter is that he can't help his snapping, that he should

be allowed to make faces all he wants, it shouldn't matter. But it hurts. When

the trigger comes, I try to not say anything, then I try to be really nice and

polite about it, but he always acts like I'm some sort of an opressor.

> > > >

> > > > I'm starting to have doubts that he really loves me at all, the

relationship is becoming me catering to his needs (including financially

supporting his 'dream'), and what I'm trying is to show him that I do care for

him and hope the more I give, the more he would give back. Not so. I keep

sending him to the website, to the articles and TV shows, but I have doubts he

ever even looked at one, because that would mean he would have to acknowledge

all this and feel guilty for treating me the way he does. When I found out that

a friend's girlfriend has misophonia and shared it with my boyfriend, his

reaction was 'hah, you're perfect for each other'. Once, when I declined putting

an air freshener into the car while I was driving (we have this rule of who

drives is in control, ie of the radio and everything else), he got very upset

and told me he should just broke my nose to do me a favor. (he's never been

physically violent, I am positive he never would be). We've been together for

over 6 years, and he has yet to ask me once if the noise level is too high in

the car (he prefers loud). When I finally ask sometimes, because I feel

claustrophobic from the music, he ridicules me. He makes mean fun of me for not

wanting to listen to comedy first thing in the morning, when I prefer quiet or

something harmonic.

> > > >

> > > > I know, this is my problem, my condition. Can I expect someone who says

loves me to up the consideration level and stop looking at me like I'm trying to

enslave him into my problems? I love him, but at this point I feel I prefer

being alone rather than being treated like a mean b**** (even when I'm polite)

due to something I didn't do to myself or ask for? Do all our good qualities go

out the window when it comes to reacting to our reaction?

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

UGH!! Chewing his tongue!! I can't imagine living through that!!To: "Soundsensitivity " <Soundsensitivity >Sent: Friday, October 21, 2011 11:01 AMSubject: Re: Relationship

I once dated a guy who would chew his tongue - yes - literally. He would do it as he was driving, or in situations where he might feel a little awkward.. Well, he was the awkward type, haha. When we first started dating I told him about the irritation I would experience with eating noises and such. He was so sweet when we first started dating. He knew of his habit of chewing his tongue and wanted to stop the habit anyway, so he asked me if I would just remind him when he would do it. We agreed that I would simply say "chewing" and that would be the word to remind him. That worked for maybe a week tops. He then would became very aggrivated when I would tell him he was "chewing" I

always said it gently, I always asked politely if he was

smacking etc. This is something I have had to deal with for as long as I can remember, so I understand that it can be hard for someone else to adjust to. Anyway, one evening we were driving back to his place from his parents, a 45 minute drive, and he started to chew his tongue. I said "chewing" and he completely lost it. He started asking me in very condescending ways what happened to me that made me hate those sounds. He insisted that something horrible had happened to me in my childhood that I was blocking from my memory. He was driving bad because of his temper and it was immediately clear to me this wasn't going to work. He was totally right! Something horrible did happen in my childhood, but it wasn't blocked. The horrible memories are of my family being angry that the sounds bothered me. The horrible memories are of my father being one of the noisiest eaters and intentionally

smacking in my

ear as I walk by. Hurtful memories of someone being inconsiderate and abusive in that way. And the now clear situation that this guy was just like my dad. Short temper, bad driver, horrible table manners, and vengeful. I wanted to go home, but I knew that it would be another 30 min in the car and he would be even angrier, we were almost at his place, and I didn't have my car. We went inside, where the conversation escalated to the point that he punched his clothes, another bad sign... at what point would that violence turn to me? This behavior after only one month??? He left for a walk, and I called my mother to pick me up. I broke up with him the next day. Anyway, all this to say. I would not stay with someone that does not respect me, my feelings, or cannot be understanding of my needs. If he is insensitive and

makes you feel like less

of a person for it, or that you are crazy, he is not worth investing all your heart, your love, and your life into. You deserve someone that will lift you up, support you, and wants you to be happy. You deserve to be with someone that makes it possible for you to feel good about yourself. 6 years is a long time to be with someone who treats you the way your bf does. My sister was in a relationship for 20 years with a man who made her feel like crap about herself, and made her feel crazy for her feelings. I don't know your situation, I don't know your boyfriend, I don't know what he is like beyond what you have written, but it doesn't sound like its going to get any better. I know it is hard to leave a relationship, especially the despair of thinking that Nobody will understand, or that you may end up alone because of this. I have felt that way many times. After ending a 2 year relationship with a wonderful guy

who was very supportive and great in so many ways (we broke up because of his religion...), I was afraid I wouldn't find anyone else. I dated several people and it took me 2 years to find the man that I am now engaged to. There are great men out there, we just have to know how to recognize them. I am thinking this group should have the ability to build profiles. Then we could find friends where we live, and you could meet someone that totally gets you! Good luck!

[Guest guest]

UGH!! Chewing his tongue!! I can't imagine living through that!!To: "Soundsensitivity " <Soundsensitivity >Sent: Friday, October 21, 2011 11:01 AMSubject: Re: Relationship

I once dated a guy who would chew his tongue - yes - literally. He would do it as he was driving, or in situations where he might feel a little awkward.. Well, he was the awkward type, haha. When we first started dating I told him about the irritation I would experience with eating noises and such. He was so sweet when we first started dating. He knew of his habit of chewing his tongue and wanted to stop the habit anyway, so he asked me if I would just remind him when he would do it. We agreed that I would simply say "chewing" and that would be the word to remind him. That worked for maybe a week tops. He then would became very aggrivated when I would tell him he was "chewing" I

always said it gently, I always asked politely if he was

smacking etc. This is something I have had to deal with for as long as I can remember, so I understand that it can be hard for someone else to adjust to. Anyway, one evening we were driving back to his place from his parents, a 45 minute drive, and he started to chew his tongue. I said "chewing" and he completely lost it. He started asking me in very condescending ways what happened to me that made me hate those sounds. He insisted that something horrible had happened to me in my childhood that I was blocking from my memory. He was driving bad because of his temper and it was immediately clear to me this wasn't going to work. He was totally right! Something horrible did happen in my childhood, but it wasn't blocked. The horrible memories are of my family being angry that the sounds bothered me. The horrible memories are of my father being one of the noisiest eaters and intentionally

smacking in my

ear as I walk by. Hurtful memories of someone being inconsiderate and abusive in that way. And the now clear situation that this guy was just like my dad. Short temper, bad driver, horrible table manners, and vengeful. I wanted to go home, but I knew that it would be another 30 min in the car and he would be even angrier, we were almost at his place, and I didn't have my car. We went inside, where the conversation escalated to the point that he punched his clothes, another bad sign... at what point would that violence turn to me? This behavior after only one month??? He left for a walk, and I called my mother to pick me up. I broke up with him the next day. Anyway, all this to say. I would not stay with someone that does not respect me, my feelings, or cannot be understanding of my needs. If he is insensitive and

makes you feel like less

of a person for it, or that you are crazy, he is not worth investing all your heart, your love, and your life into. You deserve someone that will lift you up, support you, and wants you to be happy. You deserve to be with someone that makes it possible for you to feel good about yourself. 6 years is a long time to be with someone who treats you the way your bf does. My sister was in a relationship for 20 years with a man who made her feel like crap about herself, and made her feel crazy for her feelings. I don't know your situation, I don't know your boyfriend, I don't know what he is like beyond what you have written, but it doesn't sound like its going to get any better. I know it is hard to leave a relationship, especially the despair of thinking that Nobody will understand, or that you may end up alone because of this. I have felt that way many times. After ending a 2 year relationship with a wonderful guy

who was very supportive and great in so many ways (we broke up because of his religion...), I was afraid I wouldn't find anyone else. I dated several people and it took me 2 years to find the man that I am now engaged to. There are great men out there, we just have to know how to recognize them. I am thinking this group should have the ability to build profiles. Then we could find friends where we live, and you could meet someone that totally gets you! Good luck!

[Guest guest]

UGH!! Chewing his tongue!! I can't imagine living through that!!To: "Soundsensitivity " <Soundsensitivity >Sent: Friday, October 21, 2011 11:01 AMSubject: Re: Relationship

I once dated a guy who would chew his tongue - yes - literally. He would do it as he was driving, or in situations where he might feel a little awkward.. Well, he was the awkward type, haha. When we first started dating I told him about the irritation I would experience with eating noises and such. He was so sweet when we first started dating. He knew of his habit of chewing his tongue and wanted to stop the habit anyway, so he asked me if I would just remind him when he would do it. We agreed that I would simply say "chewing" and that would be the word to remind him. That worked for maybe a week tops. He then would became very aggrivated when I would tell him he was "chewing" I

always said it gently, I always asked politely if he was

smacking etc. This is something I have had to deal with for as long as I can remember, so I understand that it can be hard for someone else to adjust to. Anyway, one evening we were driving back to his place from his parents, a 45 minute drive, and he started to chew his tongue. I said "chewing" and he completely lost it. He started asking me in very condescending ways what happened to me that made me hate those sounds. He insisted that something horrible had happened to me in my childhood that I was blocking from my memory. He was driving bad because of his temper and it was immediately clear to me this wasn't going to work. He was totally right! Something horrible did happen in my childhood, but it wasn't blocked. The horrible memories are of my family being angry that the sounds bothered me. The horrible memories are of my father being one of the noisiest eaters and intentionally

smacking in my

ear as I walk by. Hurtful memories of someone being inconsiderate and abusive in that way. And the now clear situation that this guy was just like my dad. Short temper, bad driver, horrible table manners, and vengeful. I wanted to go home, but I knew that it would be another 30 min in the car and he would be even angrier, we were almost at his place, and I didn't have my car. We went inside, where the conversation escalated to the point that he punched his clothes, another bad sign... at what point would that violence turn to me? This behavior after only one month??? He left for a walk, and I called my mother to pick me up. I broke up with him the next day. Anyway, all this to say. I would not stay with someone that does not respect me, my feelings, or cannot be understanding of my needs. If he is insensitive and

makes you feel like less

of a person for it, or that you are crazy, he is not worth investing all your heart, your love, and your life into. You deserve someone that will lift you up, support you, and wants you to be happy. You deserve to be with someone that makes it possible for you to feel good about yourself. 6 years is a long time to be with someone who treats you the way your bf does. My sister was in a relationship for 20 years with a man who made her feel like crap about herself, and made her feel crazy for her feelings. I don't know your situation, I don't know your boyfriend, I don't know what he is like beyond what you have written, but it doesn't sound like its going to get any better. I know it is hard to leave a relationship, especially the despair of thinking that Nobody will understand, or that you may end up alone because of this. I have felt that way many times. After ending a 2 year relationship with a wonderful guy

who was very supportive and great in so many ways (we broke up because of his religion...), I was afraid I wouldn't find anyone else. I dated several people and it took me 2 years to find the man that I am now engaged to. There are great men out there, we just have to know how to recognize them. I am thinking this group should have the ability to build profiles. Then we could find friends where we live, and you could meet someone that totally gets you! Good luck!

[Guest guest]

I have lived with this condition for about 55 years. I was married to a woman who was unable to express here feelings, positive or negative , so instead acted them out. Your email made me realize that much of her anger may have come from the imposition that my misophonia made on her. She really resented how put out she was living with me. She practically stopped eating around me and at 5'7" was barely 100 lbs. when we divorced. I feel bad about that. I think she took it out on herself , kind of like a martyr, but to show me what I was doing to her to make me feel bad and make herself the victim. Something like that anyway. She had a way of making me feel guilty.

We should start a support for people who live with misophoniacs.... I'm sort of joking ,but I guess not really.

Mike

To: "Soundsensitivity " <Soundsensitivity >Sent: Thursday, October 20, 2011 6:57 AMSubject: Re: Re: Relationship

I have lived with this condition for about 43 yrs. Now granted, I was married to a narcissistic sociopath, but I didnt know that until fairly recently. Before that, I always thought that, though embarrassed, my misophonia and tendency to repeat was not a marriage breaker. Later I found out that he got resentful very early in our marriage, led a double life (he travelled frequently for work), had numerous affairs, was a major alcoholic and racked up debt at strip clubs. Was this because of my misophonia, or did I really have anything to do with his behavior? All I'm saying is just be careful, sometimes you find out too late how more and more resentful they become and some are sick enough to punish you for your problems.

To: Soundsensitivity Sent: Thursday, October 20, 2011 6:24 AMSubject: Re: Relationship

Wow! I can see where this is a tough situation. First I will say this. Whatever I'm about to say is my personal opinion and that is all. Based on what I can see from your post and from dealing with a very similar situation, it sounds like he doesn't think its a real condition or syndrome. Therefore he makes certain insensitive comments. He comes across as thinking its more of a simple pet peeve for you. A really good heart to heärt might be in order. Also, because of who we are and knowing that more and more sounds are going to effect us, you may have to try and cope as best you can and in your heart to heart tell him that. This situation can wear out a relationship. To the other person they may start to feel as if everything they do is annoying, then start to get resentful of everything. In a heart to heart its important to let him know you can understand that he may be starting to resent what's going on. As I'm sure you know, when you feel

understood better, you feel better . Then I would let him know that the face making makes you feel hurt and disrespected. Like he's making a joke of how you feel. That's very hurtful. Basically there needs to be a talk that really lays out all feelings and desires on both sides. Really think through your feelings and how he might be feeling before the talk. Tell him a date and time of when you want to have this convo and ask him to do the same. Maybe write stuff down. Then when you meet up for a talk, there will be a meeting of the minds and hearts. It sounds to me like he loves you. I don't think he would have compromised at all if he didn't. While we can't help who we are we have to always remember we are a little different in a way. This stuff doesn't bother most. In the same breath, we deserve respect. Again all of this is only my opinion. Take what helps and use it and dismiss the rest. I hope it helps a little though.--- In Soundsensitivity , "egerandi" wrote>> I often wonder how much I can expect from my boyfriend to understand and respect my conditions. He has made some changes, like he started using a tissue to blow his nose one a few years ago - before that, he considered to be disgusting and constantly sniffled. He still does, but less so. It's like a nervous sniffling. He also is careful about not slurping his cereal and soup and drinks any more (for the most part) and agreed to switch all our utensils to plastic, because he didn't really care anyway, and the clinking and biting down on spoon and fork noise was driving me nuts. He complains sometimes as the plastic is not strong enough, but I offered solutions, even so, I get these remarks and faces that make me feel like crap for

expecting this. > > But, as time progresses, I pick up other things: snapping finger, whistling, singing along, etc. These are done by him without thinking, especially since we moved to our new place: three ice cream trucks are circling constantly and his picks up on the tune (can't wait for winter!). I understand that it's subconscious, but is it too much from me to expect that he would be more considerate? It's the same circle: truck comes, he starts whistling, and if I can't walk away from it quickly, I either shoot a mean or begging look or moan to drown out the noise, and he gets upset and calls me crazy. He even told me that it's the most horrible thing to not allow someone to whistle. Hon, I have news for you, there are more horrible things, trust me > > I even considered giving him a list, but I'm starting to doubt that he would take it well. From where I see it, I made a multitude of changes and compromises to my

life to adjust to his needs, including limiting conversations or staying in touch or talking on IM, etc: *consciously* limiting my needs as per his request. All I'm asking is the same from him. I simply can't help my brain (and I am continuously working on bettering control and avoidance as much as possible), and his counter is that he can't help his snapping, that he should be allowed to make faces all he wants, it shouldn't matter. But it hurts. When the trigger comes, I try to not say anything, then I try to be really nice and polite about it, but he always acts like I'm some sort of an opressor. > > I'm starting to have doubts that he really loves me at all, the relationship is becoming me catering to his needs (including financially supporting his 'dream'), and what I'm trying is to show him that I do care for him and hope the more I give, the more he would give back. Not so. I keep sending him to the website, to the articles and TV

shows, but I have doubts he ever even looked at one, because that would mean he would have to acknowledge all this and feel guilty for treating me the way he does. When I found out that a friend's girlfriend has misophonia and shared it with my boyfriend, his reaction was 'hah, you're perfect for each other'. Once, when I declined putting an air freshener into the car while I was driving (we have this rule of who drives is in control, ie of the radio and everything else), he got very upset and told me he should just broke my nose to do me a favor. (he's never been physically violent, I am positive he never would be). We've been together for over 6 years, and he has yet to ask me once if the noise level is too high in the car (he prefers loud). When I finally ask sometimes, because I feel claustrophobic from the music, he ridicules me. He makes mean fun of me for not wanting to listen to comedy first thing in the morning, when I prefer quiet or something

harmonic. > > I know, this is my problem, my condition. Can I expect someone who says loves me to up the consideration level and stop looking at me like I'm trying to enslave him into my problems? I love him, but at this point I feel I prefer being alone rather than being treated like a mean b**** (even when I'm polite) due to something I didn't do to myself or ask for? Do all our good qualities go out the window when it comes to reacting to our reaction?>

[Guest guest]

As the mom of a 29 year old son with misophonia, I actually find this forum to already be a support group for those who live with â€misophoniacs†(don’t worry – I know you were sort of joking).  I’ve learned a lot from everyone here who have suffered with this and about all of their ideas on how to cope (and hopefully eventually find a cure), and in addition to those with misophonia here who is being comforted in knowing they are not suffering alone, it’s also comforting to know that we, who are trying our best to help our suffering loved ones, are also not alone.  My heart goes out to everyone who is suffering, and thank you everyone for all the support those of us who are heartbroken from watching their loved ones suffer! From: Soundsensitivity [mailto:Soundsensitivity ] On Behalf Of LawrenceSent: Monday, October 31, 2011 9:01 PMTo: Soundsensitivity Subject: Re: Re: Relationship I have lived with this condition for about 55 years. I was married to a woman who was unable to express here feelings, positive or negative , so instead acted them out. Your email made me realize that much of her anger may have come from the imposition that my misophonia made on her. She really resented how put out she was living with me. She practically stopped eating around me and at 5'7 " was barely 100 lbs. when we divorced. I feel bad about that. I think she took it out on herself , kind of like a martyr, but to show me what I was doing to her to make me feel bad and make herself the victim. Something like that anyway. She had a way of making me feel guilty. We should start a support for people who live with misophoniacs.... I'm sort of joking ,but I guess not really.Mike To: " Soundsensitivity " <Soundsensitivity >Sent: Thursday, October 20, 2011 6:57 AMSubject: Re: Re: Relationship I have lived with this condition for about 43 yrs. Now granted, I was married to a narcissistic sociopath, but I didnt know that until fairly recently. Before that, I always thought that, though embarrassed, my misophonia and tendency to repeat was not a marriage breaker. Later I found out that he got resentful very early in our marriage, led a double life (he travelled frequently for work), had numerous affairs, was a major alcoholic and racked up debt at strip clubs. Was this because of my misophonia, or did I really have anything to do with his behavior? All I'm saying is just be careful, sometimes you find out too late how more and more resentful they become and some are sick enough to punish you for your problems. To: Soundsensitivity Sent: Thursday, October 20, 2011 6:24 AMSubject: Re: Relationship Wow! I can see where this is a tough situation. First I will say this. Whatever I'm about to say is my personal opinion and that is all. Based on what I can see from your post and from dealing with a very similar situation, it sounds like he doesn't think its a real condition or syndrome. Therefore he makes certain insensitive comments. He comes across as thinking its more of a simple pet peeve for you. A really good heart to heärt might be in order. Also, because of who we are and knowing that more and more sounds are going to effect us, you may have to try and cope as best you can and in your heart to heart tell him that. This situation can wear out a relationship. To the other person they may start to feel as if everything they do is annoying, then start to get resentful of everything. In a heart to heart its important to let him know you can understand that he may be starting to resent what's going on. As I'm sure you know, when you feel understood better, you feel better . Then I would let him know that the face making makes you feel hurt and disrespected. Like he's making a joke of how you feel. That's very hurtful. Basically there needs to be a talk that really lays out all feelings and desires on both sides. Really think through your feelings and how he might be feeling before the talk. Tell him a date and time of when you want to have this convo and ask him to do the same. Maybe write stuff down. Then when you meet up for a talk, there will be a meeting of the minds and hearts. It sounds to me like he loves you. I don't think he would have compromised at all if he didn't. While we can't help who we are we have to always remember we are a little different in a way. This stuff doesn't bother most. In the same breath, we deserve respect. Again all of this is only my opinion. Take what helps and use it and dismiss the rest. I hope it helps a little though.--- In Soundsensitivity , " egerandi " wrote>> I often wonder how much I can expect from my boyfriend to understand and respect my conditions. He has made some changes, like he started using a tissue to blow his nose one a few years ago - before that, he considered to be disgusting and constantly sniffled. He still does, but less so. It's like a nervous sniffling. He also is careful about not slurping his cereal and soup and drinks any more (for the most part) and agreed to switch all our utensils to plastic, because he didn't really care anyway, and the clinking and biting down on spoon and fork noise was driving me nuts. He complains sometimes as the plastic is not strong enough, but I offered solutions, even so, I get these remarks and faces that make me feel like crap for expecting this. > > But, as time progresses, I pick up other things: snapping finger, whistling, singing along, etc. These are done by him without thinking, especially since we moved to our new place: three ice cream trucks are circling constantly and his picks up on the tune (can't wait for winter!). I understand that it's subconscious, but is it too much from me to expect that he would be more considerate? It's the same circle: truck comes, he starts whistling, and if I can't walk away from it quickly, I either shoot a mean or begging look or moan to drown out the noise, and he gets upset and calls me crazy. He even told me that it's the most horrible thing to not allow someone to whistle. Hon, I have news for you, there are more horrible things, trust me > > I even considered giving him a list, but I'm starting to doubt that he would take it well. From where I see it, I made a multitude of changes and compromises to my life to adjust to his needs, including limiting conversations or staying in touch or talking on IM, etc: *consciously* limiting my needs as per his request. All I'm asking is the same from him. I simply can't help my brain (and I am continuously working on bettering control and avoidance as much as possible), and his counter is that he can't help his snapping, that he should be allowed to make faces all he wants, it shouldn't matter. But it hurts. When the trigger comes, I try to not say anything, then I try to be really nice and polite about it, but he always acts like I'm some sort of an opressor. > > I'm starting to have doubts that he really loves me at all, the relationship is becoming me catering to his needs (including financially supporting his 'dream'), and what I'm trying is to show him that I do care for him and hope the more I give, the more he would give back. Not so. I keep sending him to the website, to the articles and TV shows, but I have doubts he ever even looked at one, because that would mean he would have to acknowledge all this and feel guilty for treating me the way he does. When I found out that a friend's girlfriend has misophonia and shared it with my boyfriend, his reaction was 'hah, you're perfect for each other'. Once, when I declined putting an air freshener into the car while I was driving (we have this rule of who drives is in control, ie of the radio and everything else), he got very upset and told me he should just broke my nose to do me a favor. (he's never been physically violent, I am positive he never would be). We've been together for over 6 years, and he has yet to ask me once if the noise level is too high in the car (he prefers loud). When I finally ask sometimes, because I feel claustrophobic from the music, he ridicules me. He makes mean fun of me for not wanting to listen to comedy first thing in the morning, when I prefer quiet or something harmonic. > > I know, this is my problem, my condition. Can I expect someone who says loves me to up the consideration level and stop looking at me like I'm trying to enslave him into my problems? I love him, but at this point I feel I prefer being alone rather than being treated like a mean b**** (even when I'm polite) due to something I didn't do to myself or ask for? Do all our good qualities go out the window when it comes to reacting to our reaction?>

[Guest guest]

I too have a 4S/Misophonia sufferer at home. My 13 yr old son. We try to use humor to break things up - he has created a song which he (and I ) hums VERY LOUDLY when he happens upon me and I am for instance unloading the dishwasher and the utensils clank (one of his trigger noises) or when his little bro is eating and he didn't realize it until he walks into the room ....He and I will both hum it really loud to drown out any noise.It is VERY stressful on the family surrounding the 4S sufferer (as well as my stressful on my son). The noises are "normal" every day noises - nothing that we intentionally do and now we go out of our way to minimize the noise - to the point that when I'm alone and doing my regular activities (that can involve trigger noises) I find myself walking on eggshells even then because I've conditioned myself to be aware of things at all times. My other son (15 yr old) has probably been the one who is the most careful about noises - but when the 4S sufferer is not around - he says - Mommy - I'm going to clank & chomp and do everything!!! It is not easy ....... for all involved :(I am grateful for everyone's input - because it helps me to help my son....thank you all ...I really hope & pray that some kind of cure or treatment is discovered - but do you think the pharmaceutical companies will really put the research into it unless there is big bucks into it for them??

As the mom of a 29 year old son with misophonia, I actually find this forum to already be a support group for those who live with ”misophoniacs” (don’t worry – I know you were sort of joking). I’ve learned a lot from everyone here who have suffered with this and about all of their ideas on how to cope (and hopefully eventually find a cure), and in addition to those with misophonia here who is being comforted in knowing they are not suffering alone, it’s also comforting to know that we, who are trying our best to help our suffering loved ones, are also not alone. My heart goes out to everyone who is suffering, and thank you everyone for all the support those of us who are heartbroken from watching their loved ones suffer! From: Soundsensitivity [mailto:Soundsensitivity ] On Behalf Of LawrenceSent: Monday, October 31, 2011 9:01 PMTo: Soundsensitivity Subject: Re: Re: Relationship I have lived with this condition for about 55 years. I was married to a woman who was unable to express here feelings, positive or negative , so instead acted them out. Your email made me realize that much of her anger may have come from the imposition that my misophonia made on her. She really resented how put out she was living with me. She practically stopped eating around me and at 5'7" was barely 100 lbs. when we divorced. I feel bad about that. I think she took it out on herself , kind of like a martyr, but to show me what I was doing to her to make me feel bad and make herself the victim. Something like that anyway. She had a way of making me feel guilty. We should start a support for people who live with misophoniacs.... I'm sort of joking ,but I guess not really.Mike To: "Soundsensitivity " <Soundsensitivity >Sent: Thursday, October 20, 2011 6:57 AMSubject: Re: Re: Relationship I have lived with this condition for about 43 yrs. Now granted, I was married to a narcissistic sociopath, but I didnt know that until fairly recently. Before that, I always thought that, though embarrassed, my misophonia and tendency to repeat was not a marriage breaker. Later I found out that he got resentful very early in our marriage, led a double life (he travelled frequently for work), had numerous affairs, was a major alcoholic and racked up debt at strip clubs. Was this because of my misophonia, or did I really have anything to do with his behavior? All I'm saying is just be careful, sometimes you find out too late how more and more resentful they become and some are sick enough to punish you for your problems. To: Soundsensitivity Sent: Thursday, October 20, 2011 6:24 AMSubject: Re: Relationship Wow! I can see where this is a tough situation. First I will say this. Whatever I'm about to say is my personal opinion and that is all. Based on what I can see from your post and from dealing with a very similar situation, it sounds like he doesn't think its a real condition or syndrome. Therefore he makes certain insensitive comments. He comes across as thinking its more of a simple pet peeve for you. A really good heart to heärt might be in order. Also, because of who we are and knowing that more and more sounds are going to effect us, you may have to try and cope as best you can and in your heart to heart tell him that. This situation can wear out a relationship. To the other person they may start to feel as if everything they do is annoying, then start to get resentful of everything. In a heart to heart its important to let him know you can understand that he may be starting to resent what's going on. As I'm sure you know, when you feel understood better, you feel better . Then I would let him know that the face making makes you feel hurt and disrespected. Like he's making a joke of how you feel. That's very hurtful. Basically there needs to be a talk that really lays out all feelings and desires on both sides. Really think through your feelings and how he might be feeling before the talk. Tell him a date and time of when you want to have this convo and ask him to do the same. Maybe write stuff down. Then when you meet up for a talk, there will be a meeting of the minds and hearts. It sounds to me like he loves you. I don't think he would have compromised at all if he didn't. While we can't help who we are we have to always remember we are a little different in a way. This stuff doesn't bother most. In the same breath, we deserve respect. Again all of this is only my opinion. Take what helps and use it and dismiss the rest. I hope it helps a little though.--- In Soundsensitivity , "egerandi" wrote>> I often wonder how much I can expect from my boyfriend to understand and respect my conditions. He has made some changes, like he started using a tissue to blow his nose one a few years ago - before that, he considered to be disgusting and constantly sniffled. He still does, but less so. It's like a nervous sniffling. He also is careful about not slurping his cereal and soup and drinks any more (for the most part) and agreed to switch all our utensils to plastic, because he didn't really care anyway, and the clinking and biting down on spoon and fork noise was driving me nuts. He complains sometimes as the plastic is not strong enough, but I offered solutions, even so, I get these remarks and faces that make me feel like crap for expecting this. > > But, as time progresses, I pick up other things: snapping finger, whistling, singing along, etc. These are done by him without thinking, especially since we moved to our new place: three ice cream trucks are circling constantly and his picks up on the tune (can't wait for winter!). I understand that it's subconscious, but is it too much from me to expect that he would be more considerate? It's the same circle: truck comes, he starts whistling, and if I can't walk away from it quickly, I either shoot a mean or begging look or moan to drown out the noise, and he gets upset and calls me crazy. He even told me that it's the most horrible thing to not allow someone to whistle. Hon, I have news for you, there are more horrible things, trust me > > I even considered giving him a list, but I'm starting to doubt that he would take it well. From where I see it, I made a multitude of changes and compromises to my life to adjust to his needs, including limiting conversations or staying in touch or talking on IM, etc: *consciously* limiting my needs as per his request. All I'm asking is the same from him. I simply can't help my brain (and I am continuously working on bettering control and avoidance as much as possible), and his counter is that he can't help his snapping, that he should be allowed to make faces all he wants, it shouldn't matter. But it hurts. When the trigger comes, I try to not say anything, then I try to be really nice and polite about it, but he always acts like I'm some sort of an opressor. > > I'm starting to have doubts that he really loves me at all, the relationship is becoming me catering to his needs (including financially supporting his 'dream'), and what I'm trying is to show him that I do care for him and hope the more I give, the more he would give back. Not so. I keep sending him to the website, to the articles and TV shows, but I have doubts he ever even looked at one, because that would mean he would have to acknowledge all this and feel guilty for treating me the way he does. When I found out that a friend's girlfriend has misophonia and shared it with my boyfriend, his reaction was 'hah, you're perfect for each other'. Once, when I declined putting an air freshener into the car while I was driving (we have this rule of who drives is in control, ie of the radio and everything else), he got very upset and told me he should just broke my nose to do me a favor. (he's never been physically violent, I am positive he never would be). We've been together for over 6 years, and he has yet to ask me once if the noise level is too high in the car (he prefers loud). When I finally ask sometimes, because I feel claustrophobic from the music, he ridicules me. He makes mean fun of me for not wanting to listen to comedy first thing in the morning, when I prefer quiet or something harmonic. > > I know, this is my problem, my condition. Can I expect someone who says loves me to up the consideration level and stop looking at me like I'm trying to enslave him into my problems? I love him, but at this point I feel I prefer being alone rather than being treated like a mean b**** (even when I'm polite) due to something I didn't do to myself or ask for? Do all our good qualities go out the window when it comes to reacting to our reaction?>

[Guest guest]

, I also walk on egg shells, which for those outside of this forum who don’t get it might think it’s a type of enabling, but we all know here that it’s not that at all and is only about trying to make life less torturous for the one who is suffering, especially when they are already doing everything they can think of to cope (or escape).  Some examples are: When I’m in the kitchen I open and close the cupboards, drawers, refrigerator very slowly and carefully to be sure I don’t make any banging sounds; use plastic utensils and paper plates so there’s no clanking (and fewer dishes to wash); I warn my son when I need to do laundry so he can tell me the best time for when he is ready to deal with the noise; I’ve put up insulated sound wall behind the refrigerator for when the compressor goes on and off; always take my shoes off so I don’t “clunk” on the floor; move hangers in my closet (which is next to his room) carefully so they don’t make scraping noises, no ticking clocks allowed; go into the farthest room with the doors closed to talk on the phone…you get the picture.  My son also hums loudly to cover up noises (I love that you also hum along with your son!) – he says the vibration in his head and chest from his humming, as well as the humming noise itself, also help.  Yup, it’s extremely stressful, but until there is a cure, or even better coping mechanisms in addition to all of the helpful ones suggested here, I just try to find my own coping skills for the stress in order to do all I can to lessen my son’s ongoing torture.  As parents we can only keep learning and then do the best we can with that knowledge.  Your son is very fortunate that you are doing all that you can. From: Soundsensitivity [mailto:Soundsensitivity ] On Behalf Of KennedySent: Tuesday, November 01, 2011 4:32 PMTo: Soundsensitivity Subject: Re: Relationship I too have a 4S/Misophonia sufferer at home. My 13 yr old son. We try to use humor to break things up - he has created a song which he (and I ) hums VERY LOUDLY when he happens upon me and I am for instance unloading the dishwasher and the utensils clank (one of his trigger noises) or when his little bro is eating and he didn't realize it until he walks into the room .... He and I will both hum it really loud to drown out any noise. It is VERY stressful on the family surrounding the 4S sufferer (as well as my stressful on my son). The noises are " normal " every day noises - nothing that we intentionally do and now we go out of our way to minimize the noise - to the point that when I'm alone and doing my regular activities (that can involve trigger noises) I find myself walking on eggshells even then because I've conditioned myself to be aware of things at all times. My other son (15 yr old) has probably been the one who is the most careful about noises - but when the 4S sufferer is not around - he says - Mommy - I'm going to clank & chomp and do everything!!! It is not easy ....... for all involved I am grateful for everyone's input - because it helps me to help my son....thank you all ... I really hope & pray that some kind of cure or treatment is discovered - but do you think the pharmaceutical companies will really put the research into it unless there is big bucks into it for them?? As the mom of a 29 year old son with misophonia, I actually find this forum to already be a support group for those who live with ”misophoniacs” (don’t worry – I know you were sort of joking). I’ve learned a lot from everyone here who have suffered with this and about all of their ideas on how to cope (and hopefully eventually find a cure), and in addition to those with misophonia here who is being comforted in knowing they are not suffering alone, it’s also comforting to know that we, who are trying our best to help our suffering loved ones, are also not alone. My heart goes out to everyone who is suffering, and thank you everyone for all the support those of us who are heartbroken from watching their loved ones suffer! From: Soundsensitivity [mailto:Soundsensitivity ] On Behalf Of LawrenceSent: Monday, October 31, 2011 9:01 PMTo: Soundsensitivity Subject: Re: Re: Relationship I have lived with this condition for about 55 years. I was married to a woman who was unable to express here feelings, positive or negative , so instead acted them out. Your email made me realize that much of her anger may have come from the imposition that my misophonia made on her. She really resented how put out she was living with me. She practically stopped eating around me and at 5'7 " was barely 100 lbs. when we divorced. I feel bad about that. I think she took it out on herself , kind of like a martyr, but to show me what I was doing to her to make me feel bad and make herself the victim. Something like that anyway. She had a way of making me feel guilty. We should start a support for people who live with misophoniacs.... I'm sort of joking ,but I guess not really.Mike To: " Soundsensitivity " <Soundsensitivity >Sent: Thursday, October 20, 2011 6:57 AMSubject: Re: Re: Relationship I have lived with this condition for about 43 yrs. Now granted, I was married to a narcissistic sociopath, but I didnt know that until fairly recently. Before that, I always thought that, though embarrassed, my misophonia and tendency to repeat was not a marriage breaker. Later I found out that he got resentful very early in our marriage, led a double life (he travelled frequently for work), had numerous affairs, was a major alcoholic and racked up debt at strip clubs. Was this because of my misophonia, or did I really have anything to do with his behavior? All I'm saying is just be careful, sometimes you find out too late how more and more resentful they become and some are sick enough to punish you for your problems. To: Soundsensitivity Sent: Thursday, October 20, 2011 6:24 AMSubject: Re: Relationship Wow! I can see where this is a tough situation. First I will say this. Whatever I'm about to say is my personal opinion and that is all. Based on what I can see from your post and from dealing with a very similar situation, it sounds like he doesn't think its a real condition or syndrome. Therefore he makes certain insensitive comments. He comes across as thinking its more of a simple pet peeve for you. A really good heart to heärt might be in order. Also, because of who we are and knowing that more and more sounds are going to effect us, you may have to try and cope as best you can and in your heart to heart tell him that. This situation can wear out a relationship. To the other person they may start to feel as if everything they do is annoying, then start to get resentful of everything. In a heart to heart its important to let him know you can understand that he may be starting to resent what's going on. As I'm sure you know, when you feel understood better, you feel better . Then I would let him know that the face making makes you feel hurt and disrespected. Like he's making a joke of how you feel. That's very hurtful. Basically there needs to be a talk that really lays out all feelings and desires on both sides. Really think through your feelings and how he might be feeling before the talk. Tell him a date and time of when you want to have this convo and ask him to do the same. Maybe write stuff down. Then when you meet up for a talk, there will be a meeting of the minds and hearts. It sounds to me like he loves you. I don't think he would have compromised at all if he didn't. While we can't help who we are we have to always remember we are a little different in a way. This stuff doesn't bother most. In the same breath, we deserve respect. Again all of this is only my opinion. Take what helps and use it and dismiss the rest. I hope it helps a little though.--- In Soundsensitivity , " egerandi " wrote>> I often wonder how much I can expect from my boyfriend to understand and respect my conditions. He has made some changes, like he started using a tissue to blow his nose one a few years ago - before that, he considered to be disgusting and constantly sniffled. He still does, but less so. It's like a nervous sniffling. He also is careful about not slurping his cereal and soup and drinks any more (for the most part) and agreed to switch all our utensils to plastic, because he didn't really care anyway, and the clinking and biting down on spoon and fork noise was driving me nuts. He complains sometimes as the plastic is not strong enough, but I offered solutions, even so, I get these remarks and faces that make me feel like crap for expecting this. > > But, as time progresses, I pick up other things: snapping finger, whistling, singing along, etc. These are done by him without thinking, especially since we moved to our new place: three ice cream trucks are circling constantly and his picks up on the tune (can't wait for winter!). I understand that it's subconscious, but is it too much from me to expect that he would be more considerate? It's the same circle: truck comes, he starts whistling, and if I can't walk away from it quickly, I either shoot a mean or begging look or moan to drown out the noise, and he gets upset and calls me crazy. He even told me that it's the most horrible thing to not allow someone to whistle. Hon, I have news for you, there are more horrible things, trust me > > I even considered giving him a list, but I'm starting to doubt that he would take it well. From where I see it, I made a multitude of changes and compromises to my life to adjust to his needs, including limiting conversations or staying in touch or talking on IM, etc: *consciously* limiting my needs as per his request. All I'm asking is the same from him. I simply can't help my brain (and I am continuously working on bettering control and avoidance as much as possible), and his counter is that he can't help his snapping, that he should be allowed to make faces all he wants, it shouldn't matter. But it hurts. When the trigger comes, I try to not say anything, then I try to be really nice and polite about it, but he always acts like I'm some sort of an opressor. > > I'm starting to have doubts that he really loves me at all, the relationship is becoming me catering to his needs (including financially supporting his 'dream'), and what I'm trying is to show him that I do care for him and hope the more I give, the more he would give back. Not so. I keep sending him to the website, to the articles and TV shows, but I have doubts he ever even looked at one, because that would mean he would have to acknowledge all this and feel guilty for treating me the way he does. When I found out that a friend's girlfriend has misophonia and shared it with my boyfriend, his reaction was 'hah, you're perfect for each other'. Once, when I declined putting an air freshener into the car while I was driving (we have this rule of who drives is in control, ie of the radio and everything else), he got very upset and told me he should just broke my nose to do me a favor. (he's never been physically violent, I am positive he never would be). We've been together for over 6 years, and he has yet to ask me once if the noise level is too high in the car (he prefers loud). When I finally ask sometimes, because I feel claustrophobic from the music, he ridicules me. He makes mean fun of me for not wanting to listen to comedy first thing in the morning, when I prefer quiet or something harmonic. > > I know, this is my problem, my condition. Can I expect someone who says loves me to up the consideration level and stop looking at me like I'm trying to enslave him into my problems? I love him, but at this point I feel I prefer being alone rather than being treated like a mean b**** (even when I'm polite) due to something I didn't do to myself or ask for? Do all our good qualities go out the window when it comes to reacting to our reaction?>