New and Desperate.

[Guest guest]

Hi, everyone!

My name is . I'm 32 years old. I'm married and have 2 kids... and for the

first time, in a very long time, I feel like I'm not alone!!

When I was little, my bedroom shared the wall with the bathroom. I would hear

my dad in the shower making that disgusting throat clearing hacking up who knows

what sound. I would try to lay under my pillow to drown it out, but nothing

helped. My favorite mornings were the ones where my mom was drying her hair in

her bedroom when my dad was in the shower. For as long as I can remember, the

sound of a blow dryer has been my favorite sound in the world. My family can

often find me sitting on my bathroom floor with a book and the blowdryer turned

on. It's my " I need to relax " go-to.

There's obvious triggers... anything (and by anything... I mean it) repetitive.

It can be tapping, clicking, beeping, even having to repeat myself to someone.

My husband has hearing and memory loss to do injuries from his military service,

and I have to repeat myself A LOT. Chewing, actually any mouth noises at all.

Legs bouncing, fingers tapping (even if I can't hear it.) I can't tell you how

many times I have yelled at my dog for licking himself. I cannot STAND when the

dog licks himself. Or me. Or anybody else. I wish my dog would keep his

tongue in his mouth!! I don't want the dog... but everyone else does, and I

always seem to lose these fights because I'm " too sensitive. " When I say that

something or somebody is getting on my nerves, my husband tells me that my

nerves are all over the place and people can't avoid them.

Two days ago, I stumbled across misophonia. I don't even know how. And my world

has changed.

I knew that I could NEVER watch/hear Nicolas Cage. I didn't realize it could be

because his voice is a trigger. I say, whenever his face appears, how much I

HATE a man that has done nothing to me. My husband laughs because neither one

of us could figure out why this mans voice would send me into such a place of

hate.

Now, I'm realizing something else. Something sad. My son is a trigger. I can

be around him. We can talk. I can hear him to to other people. But, after a

while, it feels like he's been talking for hours. I try to be patient. I try

to focus on something else. And, then, I abruptly have to end the conversation.

Immediately . I have to go somewhere else so that I don't hear him. If I can

still hear him, I have to find a reason to make him stop talking. I redirect

him to something else, or I say something like, " less talking, more eating. "

Although, his eating habits are a trigger, too. We, usually, eat with the TV on

in the background.

He's, also, a crier. I don't mean silent sobs... He wails. And, that, is my

biggest trigger. I am instantly furious. Knowing that yelling will only make

him cry worse, I can't NOT yell. I can't NOT tell him to shut up. I try to

walk away, but it doesn't matter. The sound is in my head, and I can hear him

from anywhere in the house. Then, I get even more angry because I can still

hear him in any room.

I am so happy to know that I'm not just a horrible mom who favors one child over

the other. It's so comforting to know that I'm not a total bitch who can't

stand the people in my life. But, still... there's no fix. I don't know if

knowing about misophonia makes things better or worse.