Guest guest Posted June 16, 2011 Report Share Posted June 16, 2011 I know, Lou. We all have our "cookouts." They become just cookouts when we let go of all that other stuff. If it was easy we probably would have already done it. See The Happiness Trap, chapter 21.BillTo: ACT_for_the_Public From: experiential2010@...Date: Thu, 16 Jun 2011 14:54:05 -0700Subject: Re: Mostly anxiety? It would not be ‘just a cookout’ to me Bill, At times, (not always), social situations like that, as benign as they may seem, can be a mass of desires, beliefs and of course fused thinking and heightened body sensations. All of which you need to negotiate, work with, notice, acknowledge, etc. etc, totally on the fly. I find all of this pretty challenging really. Lou To: ACT_for_the_Public <act_for_the_public >Sent: Fri, 17 June, 2011 7:03:52 AMSubject: RE: Mostly anxiety? It's just a cookout! To: act_for_the_public From: hbbr@...Date: Thu, 16 Jun 2011 19:54:08 +0000Subject: Mostly anxiety? I have a feeling that most people on this list struggle with anxiety, or have struggled with it until they put ACT in place in their lives. I often feel like an outsider here since I really don't experience generalized anxiety at all. My struggle is with social apathy and complacency, but I only feel that way when I'm alone. I'm fine at work and in social settings, once I get there. I think I'm very strange; I don't run into people with my particular issues often. I am debating if I want to make the effort to go to a cookout I've been invited to on July 9th, along with about ten other people. I really am lukewarm about it, yet I know I should go and would be glad if I did. But I feel so apathetic about making the effort. I've been "this way" for so long, it is just easier to stay the same than it is to make the effort to change. Yet I do long for stronger social connections with others in my life. It would be nice if someone would come to see me when I'm in the hospital for a week, for example; especially since I have no family nearby. And I would love to return the favor by helping others when they are in need. I've been encouraged to join an internet dating site. I just don't have the desire to put myself out there, and I've heard horror stories, although I do think I can protect myself and am not afraid in that regard. I did sign up once, and got some interest but never replied to any of them, even though some looked very interesting. Is anyone here experienced with internet "dating?" - Any advice? At least, since I've been practicing ACT, my depression has all but gone away. So that's progress, and it does help my motivation to make other changes in my life; being depressed sucks the life out of you. About the cookout, maybe my motto should be "Just do it!" Helena Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 17, 2011 Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 HiyaIt IS just a cookout. Don't be conned into thinking that it is anything else. Nothing more, nothing less.This afternoon, I'm going to my son's school to do some crafts with him and other Dads (it's Fathers Day on Sunday, and we've been invited in) and I'm crapping myself because of all the terrible comparisons my mind will be doing whilst I am there. "Adam is really behind the other kids...." "Look, he can't even colour-in properly...." "The other kids are so clever....." "Why did we have kids, life was so much easier before..... " "Adam's behaviour is terrible....." "Adam has no friends......" "Adam is being bullied....." But it IS JUST A CRAFT DAY. My mind will try to make it feel like it is akin to the outbreak of WW3. But it's a craft day, nothing more, nothing less.Yours, with slightly trembly knees xSubject: Re: Mostly anxiety?To: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Thursday, 16 June, 2011, 21:54 It would not be ‘just a cookout’ to me Bill, At times, (not always), social situations like that, as benign as they may seem, can be a mass of desires, beliefs and of course fused thinking and heightened body sensations. All of which you need to negotiate, work with, notice, acknowledge, etc. etc, totally on the fly. I find all of this pretty challenging really. Lou To: ACT_for_the_Public <act_for_the_public >Sent: Fri, 17 June, 2011 7:03:52 AMSubject: RE: Mostly anxiety? It's just a cookout! To: act_for_the_public From: hbbr@...Date: Thu, 16 Jun 2011 19:54:08 +0000Subject: Mostly anxiety? I have a feeling that most people on this list struggle with anxiety, or have struggled with it until they put ACT in place in their lives. I often feel like an outsider here since I really don't experience generalized anxiety at all. My struggle is with social apathy and complacency, but I only feel that way when I'm alone. I'm fine at work and in social settings, once I get there. I think I'm very strange; I don't run into people with my particular issues often. I am debating if I want to make the effort to go to a cookout I've been invited to on July 9th, along with about ten other people. I really am lukewarm about it, yet I know I should go and would be glad if I did. But I feel so apathetic about making the effort. I've been "this way" for so long, it is just easier to stay the same than it is to make the effort to change. Yet I do long for stronger social connections with others in my life. It would be nice if someone would come to see me when I'm in the hospital for a week, for example; especially since I have no family nearby. And I would love to return the favor by helping others when they are in need. I've been encouraged to join an internet dating site. I just don't have the desire to put myself out there, and I've heard horror stories, although I do think I can protect myself and am not afraid in that regard. I did sign up once, and got some interest but never replied to any of them, even though some looked very interesting. Is anyone here experienced with internet "dating?" - Any advice? At least, since I've been practicing ACT, my depression has all but gone away. So that's progress, and it does help my motivation to make other changes in my life; being depressed sucks the life out of you. About the cookout, maybe my motto should be "Just do it!" Helena Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 17, 2011 Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 Oh - you gotta laugh - my mind does the same- and I bet a lot of the other Dads there will be doing the same too in some way shape or form. Take your wobbly knees and just enjoy the time and don't let your mind rob you of this precious time with your son. Simone Subject: Re: Mostly anxiety?To: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Thursday, 16 June, 2011, 21:54 It would not be ‘just a cookout’ to me Bill, At times, (not always), social situations like that, as benign as they may seem, can be a mass of desires, beliefs and of course fused thinking and heightened body sensations. All of which you need to negotiate, work with, notice, acknowledge, etc. etc, totally on the fly. I find all of this pretty challenging really. Lou To: ACT_for_the_Public <act_for_the_public >Sent: Fri, 17 June, 2011 7:03:52 AMSubject: RE: Mostly anxiety? It's just a cookout! To: act_for_the_public From: hbbr@...Date: Thu, 16 Jun 2011 19:54:08 +0000Subject: Mostly anxiety? I have a feeling that most people on this list struggle with anxiety, or have struggled with it until they put ACT in place in their lives. I often feel like an outsider here since I really don't experience generalized anxiety at all. My struggle is with social apathy and complacency, but I only feel that way when I'm alone. I'm fine at work and in social settings, once I get there. I think I'm very strange; I don't run into people with my particular issues often. I am debating if I want to make the effort to go to a cookout I've been invited to on July 9th, along with about ten other people. I really am lukewarm about it, yet I know I should go and would be glad if I did. But I feel so apathetic about making the effort. I've been "this way" for so long, it is just easier to stay the same than it is to make the effort to change. Yet I do long for stronger social connections with others in my life. It would be nice if someone would come to see me when I'm in the hospital for a week, for example; especially since I have no family nearby. And I would love to return the favor by helping others when they are in need. I've been encouraged to join an internet dating site. I just don't have the desire to put myself out there, and I've heard horror stories, although I do think I can protect myself and am not afraid in that regard. I did sign up once, and got some interest but never replied to any of them, even though some looked very interesting. Is anyone here experienced with internet "dating?" - Any advice? At least, since I've been practicing ACT, my depression has all but gone away. So that's progress, and it does help my motivation to make other changes in my life; being depressed sucks the life out of you. About the cookout, maybe my motto should be "Just do it!" Helena Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 17, 2011 Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 It IS just a cookout. I don't enjoy cookouts, or any small gathering, unless they are with close friends and family. I dislike standing around making small talk and pretending I really want to be there. So I've decided to not go. In the interest of expanding my social horizons, I am not obligated to do things I don't enjoy. I'm going to let go of the "should" in this case and plan a day with my close friends who had me over for Christmas instead. So I'm not giving up - just saying no to one thing and yes to another. Helena Mostly anxiety? I have a feeling that most people on this list struggle with anxiety, or have struggled with it until they put ACT in place in their lives. I often feel like an outsider here since I really don't experience generalized anxiety at all. My struggle is with social apathy and complacency, but I only feel that way when I'm alone. I'm fine at work and in social settings, once I get there. I think I'm very strange; I don't run into people with my particular issues often. I am debating if I want to make the effort to go to a cookout I've been invited to on July 9th, along with about ten other people. I really am lukewarm about it, yet I know I should go and would be glad if I did. But I feel so apathetic about making the effort. I've been "this way" for so long, it is just easier to stay the same than it is to make the effort to change. Yet I do long for stronger social connections with others in my life. It would be nice if someone would come to see me when I'm in the hospital for a week, for example; especially since I have no family nearby. And I would love to return the favor by helping others when they are in need. I've been encouraged to join an internet dating site. I just don't have the desire to put myself out there, and I've heard horror stories, although I do think I can protect myself and am not afraid in that regard. I did sign up once, and got some interest but never replied to any of them, even though some looked very interesting. Is anyone here experienced with internet "dating?" - Any advice? At least, since I've been practicing ACT, my depression has all but gone away. So that's progress, and it does help my motivation to make other changes in my life; being depressed sucks the life out of you. About the cookout, maybe my motto should be "Just do it!" Helena Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 17, 2011 Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 , I'm sorry I overlooked mentioning your particular upcoming challenge in my last reply. Way to go in recognizing that it is all about making crafts and not about making comparisons - that's why they call it craft day and not comparison day! I hope you enjoy Father's Day and the miracle that is your son! You sound like an incredible dad who faces many more challenges than most dads so. Helena Mostly anxiety? I have a feeling that most people on this list struggle with anxiety, or have struggled with it until they put ACT in place in their lives. I often feel like an outsider here since I really don't experience generalized anxiety at all. My struggle is with social apathy and complacency, but I only feel that way when I'm alone. I'm fine at work and in social settings, once I get there. I think I'm very strange; I don't run into people with my particular issues often. I am debating if I want to make the effort to go to a cookout I've been invited to on July 9th, along with about ten other people. I really am lukewarm about it, yet I know I should go and would be glad if I did. But I feel so apathetic about making the effort. I've been "this way" for so long, it is just easier to stay the same than it is to make the effort to change. Yet I do long for stronger social connections with others in my life. It would be nice if someone would come to see me when I'm in the hospital for a week, for example; especially since I have no family nearby. And I would love to return the favor by helping others when they are in need. I've been encouraged to join an internet dating site. I just don't have the desire to put myself out there, and I've heard horror stories, although I do think I can protect myself and am not afraid in that regard. I did sign up once, and got some interest but never replied to any of them, even though some looked very interesting. Is anyone here experienced with internet "dating?" - Any advice? At least, since I've been practicing ACT, my depression has all but gone away. So that's progress, and it does help my motivation to make other changes in my life; being depressed sucks the life out of you. About the cookout, maybe my motto should be "Just do it!" Helena Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 17, 2011 Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 Lou, I agree that it is not just a cookout in that I am piling up layers of "meaning" around the simple fact of a cookout and my projected experience with that - and sometimes those layers are meaningful, and sometimes (often) they are just our minds going nuts. After reflection, I realize that I really don't want to go, and not for avoidance reasons, as I explained in a prior email. At first it felt like Bill was diminishing - not acknowledging - my feelings about the cookout, but now I see his point. He was just trying to show me that if I scrape away all the resisting thoughts, all that's left is a simple cookout. Which I can choose to attend, or not, on its own merits. Helena Mostly anxiety? I have a feeling that most people on this list struggle with anxiety, or have struggled with it until they put ACT in place in their lives. I often feel like an outsider here since I really don't experience generalized anxiety at all. My struggle is with social apathy and complacency, but I only feel that way when I'm alone. I'm fine at work and in social settings, once I get there. I think I'm very strange; I don't run into people with my particular issues often. I am debating if I want to make the effort to go to a cookout I've been invited to on July 9th, along with about ten other people. I really am lukewarm about it, yet I know I should go and would be glad if I did. But I feel so apathetic about making the effort. I've been "this way" for so long, it is just easier to stay the same than it is to make the effort to change. Yet I do long for stronger social connections with others in my life. It would be nice if someone would come to see me when I'm in the hospital for a week, for example; especially since I have no family nearby. And I would love to return the favor by helping others when they are in need. I've been encouraged to join an internet dating site. I just don't have the desire to put myself out there, and I've heard horror stories, although I do think I can protect myself and am not afraid in that regard. I did sign up once, and got some interest but never replied to any of them, even though some looked very interesting. Is anyone here experienced with internet "dating?" - Any advice? At least, since I've been practicing ACT, my depression has all but gone away. So that's progress, and it does help my motivation to make other changes in my life; being depressed sucks the life out of you. About the cookout, maybe my motto should be "Just do it!" Helena Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 17, 2011 Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 Apathy is definitly a lock that my mind has created. Thanks for slipping me the note! Helena Re: Mostly anxiety? Helena, I have been so moved by Steve's note through a prison wall story lately. Reading your post, I had the thought "I wonder if apathy is a 'lock' for her". If so, remember, there are no actual locks in this prison. I have a feeling that most people on this list struggle with anxiety, or have struggled with it until they put ACT in place in their lives. I often feel like an outsider here since I really don't experience generalized anxiety at all. My struggle is with social apathy and complacency, but I only feel that way when I'm alone. I'm fine at work and in social settings, once I get there. I think I'm very strange; I don't run into people with my particular issues often. I am debating if I want to make the effort to go to a cookout I've been invited to on July 9th, along with about ten other people. I really am lukewarm about it, yet I know I should go and would be glad if I did. But I feel so apathetic about making the effort. I've been "this way" for so long, it is just easier to stay the same than it is to make the effort to change. Yet I do long for stronger social connections with others in my life. It would be nice if someone would come to see me when I'm in the hospital for a week, for example; especially since I have no family nearby. And I would love to return the favor by helping others when they are in need. I've been encouraged to join an internet dating site. I just don't have the desire to put myself out there, and I've heard horror stories, although I do think I can protect myself and am not afraid in that regard. I did sign up once, and got some interest but never replied to any of them, even though some looked very interesting. Is anyone here experienced with internet "dating?" - Any advice? At least, since I've been practicing ACT, my depression has all but gone away. So that's progress, and it does help my motivation to make other changes in my life; being depressed sucks the life out of you. About the cookout, maybe my motto should be "Just do it!" Helena -- A. Stone, MSW,LISW-CP210 West Stone AveGreenville, SC 29609(864) 238-2003castonemsw@...www.betterthinking-betterlife.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 17, 2011 Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 Bravo. Committed action. Sent via DROID on Verizon Wireless Re: Mostly anxiety?It IS just a cookout. I don't enjoy cookouts, or any small gathering, unless they are with close friends and family. I dislike standing around making small talk and pretending I really want to be there. So I've decided to not go. In the interest of expanding my social horizons, I am not obligated to do things I don't enjoy. I'm going to let go of the "should" in this case and plan a day with my close friends who had me over for Christmas instead. So I'm not giving up - just saying no to one thing and yes to another. Helena Mostly anxiety?I have a feeling that most people on this list struggle with anxiety, or have struggled with it until they put ACT in place in their lives. I often feel like an outsider here since I really don't experience generalized anxiety at all. My struggle is with social apathy and complacency, but I only feel that way when I'm alone. I'm fine at work and in social settings, once I get there. I think I'm very strange; I don't run into people with my particular issues often. I am debating if I want to make the effort to go to a cookout I've been invited to on July 9th, along with about ten other people. I really am lukewarm about it, yet I know I should go and would be glad if I did. But I feel so apathetic about making the effort. I've been "this way" for so long, it is just easier to stay the same than it is to make the effort to change. Yet I do long for stronger social connections with others in my life. It would be nice if someone would come to see me when I'm in the hospital for a week, for example; especially since I have no family nearby. And I would love to return the favor by helping others when they are in need. I've been encouraged to join an internet dating site. I just don't have the desire to put myself out there, and I've heard horror stories, although I do think I can protect myself and am not afraid in that regard. I did sign up once, and got some interest but never replied to any of them, even though some looked very interesting. Is anyone here experienced with internet "dating?" - Any advice? At least, since I've been practicing ACT, my depression has all but gone away. So that's progress, and it does help my motivation to make other changes in my life; being depressed sucks the life out of you. About the cookout, maybe my motto should be "Just do it!" Helena Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 17, 2011 Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 YES!!!!!!!!!Sent via DROID on Verizon Wireless Re: Mostly anxiety?Lou, I agree that it is not just a cookout in that I am piling up layers of "meaning" around the simple fact of a cookout and my projected experience with that - and sometimes those layers are meaningful, and sometimes (often) they are just our minds going nuts. After reflection, I realize that I really don't want to go, and not for avoidance reasons, as I explained in a prior email. At first it felt like Bill was diminishing - not acknowledging - my feelings about the cookout, but now I see his point. He was just trying to show me that if I scrape away all the resisting thoughts, all that's left is a simple cookout. Which I can choose to attend, or not, on its own merits. Helena Mostly anxiety?I have a feeling that most people on this list struggle with anxiety, or have struggled with it until they put ACT in place in their lives. I often feel like an outsider here since I really don't experience generalized anxiety at all. My struggle is with social apathy and complacency, but I only feel that way when I'm alone. I'm fine at work and in social settings, once I get there. I think I'm very strange; I don't run into people with my particular issues often. I am debating if I want to make the effort to go to a cookout I've been invited to on July 9th, along with about ten other people. I really am lukewarm about it, yet I know I should go and would be glad if I did. But I feel so apathetic about making the effort. I've been "this way" for so long, it is just easier to stay the same than it is to make the effort to change. Yet I do long for stronger social connections with others in my life. It would be nice if someone would come to see me when I'm in the hospital for a week, for example; especially since I have no family nearby. And I would love to return the favor by helping others when they are in need. I've been encouraged to join an internet dating site. I just don't have the desire to put myself out there, and I've heard horror stories, although I do think I can protect myself and am not afraid in that regard. I did sign up once, and got some interest but never replied to any of them, even though some looked very interesting. Is anyone here experienced with internet "dating?" - Any advice? At least, since I've been practicing ACT, my depression has all but gone away. So that's progress, and it does help my motivation to make other changes in my life; being depressed sucks the life out of you. About the cookout, maybe my motto should be "Just do it!" Helena Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 17, 2011 Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 Hi :Best wishes for your craft day. I'm going to my daughter's school this morning for an assembly celebrating the last day of school for the summer. I'm afraid of the emotions I'll feel. It's her last day of elementary school and my mind is so likely to go to the melancholy. Thoughts like "she's growing up so fast", "soon she'll be a teenager and not so sweet", "no more walking to school", will probably fill my mind. I've always been really sentimental at goodbyes and found them painful. But I do value the activity of being there for my daughter as a father so I'm glad to go.I know other people feel these same things but they are so painful for me. I guess acceptance is the answer there.I was just thinking yesterday that a lot of the negative emotions I feel come from come from the judgement of an internal demanding parent. A voice that says "because I want what's best for you, you should have a better job and make more money". Or "you should be a perfect parent". Or "a good husband never fights with his wife". This voice lives in my gut and constantly sends these messages that I believe. I'm working today on not listening. It also occurs to me that I have a tendency to put these same impulses into my thoughts about my daughter. She should be a good student, good athlete, responsible kid, everyone must like her, etc. Will I not love her if that's not the case? That would sure violate my values!My real parents were not really like this. I was always a really responsible kid, with good grades, etc and very concerned with pleasing them. But they didn't put unreasonable expectations on me. Certainly other parents were much more demanding. So I'm not sure where this is coming from. But it's there, I need to accept it, and I need to not let this pretend parent run my emotions.Again, best wishes,BruceHiyaIt IS just a cookout. Don't be conned into thinking that it is anything else. Nothing more, nothing less.This afternoon, I'm going to my son's school to do some crafts with him and other Dads (it's Fathers Day on Sunday, and we've been invited in) and I'm crapping myself because of all the terrible comparisons my mind will be doing whilst I am there. "Adam is really behind the other kids...." "Look, he can't even colour-in properly...." "The other kids are so clever....." "Why did we have kids, life was so much easier before..... " "Adam's behaviour is terrible....." "Adam has no friends......" "Adam is being bullied....." But it IS JUST A CRAFT DAY. My mind will try to make it feel like it is akin to the outbreak of WW3. But it's a craft day, nothing more, nothing less.Yours, with slightly trembly knees xSubject: Re: Mostly anxiety?To: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Thursday, 16 June, 2011, 21:54It would not be ‘just a cookout’ to me Bill, At times, (not always), social situations like that, as benign as they may seem, can be a mass of desires, beliefs and of course fused thinking and heightened body sensations. All of which you need to negotiate, work with, notice, acknowledge, etc. etc, totally on the fly. I find all of this pretty challenging really. LouTo: ACT_for_the_Public <act_for_the_public >Sent: Fri, 17 June, 2011 7:03:52 AMSubject: RE: Mostly anxiety? It's just a cookout!To: act_for_the_public From: hbbr@...Date: Thu, 16 Jun 2011 19:54:08 +0000Subject: Mostly anxiety?I have a feeling that most people on this list struggle with anxiety, or have struggled with it until they put ACT in place in their lives. I often feel like an outsider here since I really don't experience generalized anxiety at all. My struggle is with social apathy and complacency, but I only feel that way when I'm alone. I'm fine at work and in social settings, once I get there. I think I'm very strange; I don't run into people with my particular issues often. I am debating if I want to make the effort to go to a cookout I've been invited to on July 9th, along with about ten other people. I really am lukewarm about it, yet I know I should go and would be glad if I did. But I feel so apathetic about making the effort. I've been "this way" for so long, it is just easier to stay the same than it is to make the effort to change. Yet I do long for stronger social connections with others in my life. It would be nice if someone would come to see me when I'm in the hospital for a week, for example; especially since I have no family nearby. And I would love to return the favor by helping others when they are in need. I've been encouraged to join an internet dating site. I just don't have the desire to put myself out there, and I've heard horror stories, although I do think I can protect myself and am not afraid in that regard. I did sign up once, and got some interest but never replied to any of them, even though some looked very interesting. Is anyone here experienced with internet "dating?" - Any advice? At least, since I've been practicing ACT, my depression has all but gone away. So that's progress, and it does help my motivation to make other changes in my life; being depressed sucks the life out of you. About the cookout, maybe my motto should be "Just do it!" Helena Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 17, 2011 Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 I like this! You are right, it's not comparison day. For me, it's "move up day", not weepy cling to the past day. That's a good image for me.Bruce, I'm sorry I overlooked mentioning your particular upcoming challenge in my last reply. Way to go in recognizing that it is all about making crafts and not about making comparisons - that's why they call it craft day and not comparison day!I hope you enjoy Father's Day and the miracle that is your son! You sound like an incredible dad who faces many more challenges than most dads so. Helena Mostly anxiety?I have a feeling that most people on this list struggle with anxiety, or have struggled with it until they put ACT in place in their lives. I often feel like an outsider here since I really don't experience generalized anxiety at all. My struggle is with social apathy and complacency, but I only feel that way when I'm alone. I'm fine at work and in social settings, once I get there. I think I'm very strange; I don't run into people with my particular issues often. I am debating if I want to make the effort to go to a cookout I've been invited to on July 9th, along with about ten other people. I really am lukewarm about it, yet I know I should go and would be glad if I did. But I feel so apathetic about making the effort. I've been "this way" for so long, it is just easier to stay the same than it is to make the effort to change. Yet I do long for stronger social connections with others in my life. It would be nice if someone would come to see me when I'm in the hospital for a week, for example; especially since I have no family nearby. And I would love to return the favor by helping others when they are in need. I've been encouraged to join an internet dating site. I just don't have the desire to put myself out there, and I've heard horror stories, although I do think I can protect myself and am not afraid in that regard. I did sign up once, and got some interest but never replied to any of them, even though some looked very interesting. Is anyone here experienced with internet "dating?" - Any advice? At least, since I've been practicing ACT, my depression has all but gone away. So that's progress, and it does help my motivation to make other changes in my life; being depressed sucks the life out of you. About the cookout, maybe my motto should be "Just do it!" Helena Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 17, 2011 Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 maybe silly, but the one thing I picked up, and we have discussed it before, is maybe to replace " should " as it's a judgment, with " can " , and " but " with " and " The way you wrote it, they are competing against each other I know I " can " go and would be glad if I did, " and " I feel apathetic about making the effort. This is a truer statement Little things make big differences sometimes, and might clear your thinking enough to make a decision > > > > I have a feeling that most people on this list struggle with anxiety, or have struggled with it until they put ACT in place in their lives.  I often feel like an outsider here since I really don't experience generalized anxiety at all. My struggle is with social apathy and complacency, but I only feel that way when I'm alone. I'm fine at work and in social settings, once I get there. I think I'm very strange; I don't run into people with my particular issues often. > > > > I am debating if I want to make the effort to go to a cookout I've been invited to on July 9th, along with about ten other people. I really am lukewarm about it, yet I know I should go and would be glad if I did. But I feel so apathetic about making the effort. I've been " this way " for so long, it is just easier to stay the same than it is to make the effort to change. Yet I do long for stronger social connections with others in my life. It would be nice if someone would come to see me when I'm in the hospital for a week, for example; especially since I have no family nearby. And I would love to return the favor by helping others when they are in need. > > > > I've been encouraged to join an internet dating site. I just don't have the desire to put myself out there, and I've heard horror stories, although I do think I can protect myself and am not afraid in that regard. I did sign up once, and got some interest but never replied to any of them, even though some looked very interesting. Is anyone here experienced with internet " dating? " - Any advice? > > > > At least, since I've been practicing ACT, my depression has all but gone away. So that's progress, and it does help my motivation to make other changes in my life; being depressed sucks the life out of you. > > > > About the cookout, maybe my motto should be " Just do it! " > > > > Helena > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 17, 2011 Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 And as you read this, it's not even a craft day....D HiyaIt IS just a cookout. Don't be conned into thinking that it is anything else. Nothing more, nothing less. This afternoon, I'm going to my son's school to do some crafts with him and other Dads (it's Fathers Day on Sunday, and we've been invited in) and I'm crapping myself because of all the terrible comparisons my mind will be doing whilst I am there. " Adam is really behind the other kids.... " " Look, he can't even colour-in properly.... " " The other kids are so clever..... " " Why did we have kids, life was so much easier before..... " " Adam's behaviour is terrible..... " " Adam has no friends...... " " Adam is being bullied..... " But it IS JUST A CRAFT DAY. My mind will try to make it feel like it is akin to the outbreak of WW3. But it's a craft day, nothing more, nothing less.Yours, with slightly trembly knees Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 17, 2011 Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 I sit outside the mainstream on many issues. When I was a kid I just loved playing around and having fun, but then I failed my 11+ (I was playing Tim Tam Tommy the night before the exam) and that meant in the UK I was not brainy enough to go 'grammer school', so I had to go to an ordinary school instead (i.e. secondary school) to learn how to be a 'craft person', or even something even far less. My parents couldn't careless about it as it was expected that I would amount to nothing - we were working class, afterall. But years later I dated a middleclass girl and then I learnt that all the middleclass kids had been drilled for years to pass the 11+, even if it meant paying for independent teachers to come around to their home to coach them through the exam. I have always believed that if you make your children feel happy, by loving them regardless of their performance, you install in them everything they need to be successful in life. Kv > > Hiya > > It IS just a cookout. Don't be conned into thinking that it is anything > else. Nothing more, nothing less. > > This afternoon, I'm going to my son's school to do some crafts with him and > other Dads (it's Fathers Day on Sunday, and we've been invited in) and I'm > crapping myself because of all the terrible comparisons my mind will be > doing whilst I am there. " Adam is really behind the other kids.... " " Look, > he can't even colour-in properly.... " " The other kids are so clever..... " > " Why did we have kids, life was so much easier before..... " " Adam's > behaviour is terrible..... " " Adam has no friends...... " " Adam is being > bullied..... " > > But it IS JUST A CRAFT DAY. My mind will try to make it feel like it is > akin to the outbreak of WW3. But it's a craft day, nothing more, nothing > less. > > Yours, with slightly trembly knees > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 17, 2011 Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 By the way, my posh girlfrind was chronically depressed, but my mates, who failed all their exams, are pefectly happy today being milkmen, or dustbinmen, etc, unlike myself who went on to further education and got excellent grades but continue to feel miserable and a failure most of the time. Kv > > > > Hiya > > > > It IS just a cookout. Don't be conned into thinking that it is anything > > else. Nothing more, nothing less. > > > > This afternoon, I'm going to my son's school to do some crafts with him and > > other Dads (it's Fathers Day on Sunday, and we've been invited in) and I'm > > crapping myself because of all the terrible comparisons my mind will be > > doing whilst I am there. " Adam is really behind the other kids.... " " Look, > > he can't even colour-in properly.... " " The other kids are so clever..... " > > " Why did we have kids, life was so much easier before..... " " Adam's > > behaviour is terrible..... " " Adam has no friends...... " " Adam is being > > bullied..... " > > > > But it IS JUST A CRAFT DAY. My mind will try to make it feel like it is > > akin to the outbreak of WW3. But it's a craft day, nothing more, nothing > > less. > > > > Yours, with slightly trembly knees > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 18, 2011 Report Share Posted June 18, 2011 Thanks for that, Lou, and I too feel more at home with more deeper thinking people (I loved the Quakers when I used to go there). And I'm not typical working class either, the beer is alright but the football isn't. Kv > > > > Hiya > > > > It IS just a cookout. Don't be conned into thinking that it is anything > > else. Nothing more, nothing less. > > > > This afternoon, I'm going to my son's school to do some crafts with him and > > other Dads (it's Fathers Day on Sunday, and we've been invited in) and I'm > > crapping myself because of all the terrible comparisons my mind will be > > doing whilst I am there. " Adam is really behind the other kids.... " " Look, > > he can't even colour-in properly.... " " The other kids are so clever..... " > > " Why did we have kids, life was so much easier before..... " " Adam's > > behaviour is terrible..... " " Adam has no friends...... " " Adam is being > > bullied..... " > > > > But it IS JUST A CRAFT DAY. My mind will try to make it feel like it is > > akin to the outbreak of WW3. But it's a craft day, nothing more, nothing > > less. > > > > Yours, with slightly trembly knees > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 19, 2011 Report Share Posted June 19, 2011 Hey Kaivey, I failed the 11+ too but was lucky enough to get a second chance. I consider myself "middle class" but didn't have a private education or get special training for years to pass the 11+. I think everyone was shocked when I didn't pass but I knew, even though I didn't hear of the diagnosis or in fact get ill enough to be diagnosed till decades later, that my failure was down to OCD and excessive checking of my answers which meant I didn't finish the papers. So it was anxiety related. The few weeks between failing and the second chance I did get homework for the first time ever though and I still have horrendous memories of my father sitting with me frustrated when I was struck dumb, afraid of making mistakes doing quite difficult comprehension exercises. Having taken up studying again recently I realise how deep-rooted my perfectionism and fear of failure is now but I am dealing with it. As you point out some of your working class friends are happier than your middle class ones who passed the 11+ but I wonder really if it's that simple. If you define middle class as focusing on achievement and making money and getting ahead then probably your prediction will come true as it's already in the definition. Not sure I'm expressing this very well but I bet there is a lot of overlap and people in all socio-economic classes will be depressed, doing OK, or functioning very well. Well done you for getting back into education. You don't have to be defined by your social class even though there are obviously many inequalities related to the circumstances into which you are born. The capabilities you are born with which are pretty much the same on average across classes are just as important. You can choose your values and act on them! BW, Soozy Subject: Re: Mostly anxiety?To: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Friday, 17 June, 2011, 20:10 I sit outside the mainstream on many issues. When I was a kid I just loved playing around and having fun, but then I failed my 11+ (I was playing Tim Tam Tommy the night before the exam) and that meant in the UK I was not brainy enough to go 'grammer school', so I had to go to an ordinary school instead (i.e. secondary school) to learn how to be a 'craft person', or even something even far less. My parents couldn't careless about it as it was expected that I would amount to nothing - we were working class, afterall. But years later I dated a middleclass girl and then I learnt that all the middleclass kids had been drilled for years to pass the 11+, even if it meant paying for independent teachers to come around to their home to coach them through the exam. I have always believed that if you make your children feel happy, by loving them regardless of their performance, you install in them everything they need to be successful in life.Kv> > Hiya> > It IS just a cookout. Don't be conned into thinking that it is anything> else. Nothing more, nothing less.> > This afternoon, I'm going to my son's school to do some crafts with him and> other Dads (it's Fathers Day on Sunday, and we've been invited in) and I'm> crapping myself because of all the terrible comparisons my mind will be> doing whilst I am there. "Adam is really behind the other kids...." "Look,> he can't even colour-in properly...." "The other kids are so clever....."> "Why did we have kids, life was so much easier before..... " "Adam's> behaviour is terrible....." "Adam has no friends......" "Adam is being> bullied....."> > But it IS JUST A CRAFT DAY. My mind will try to make it feel like it is> akin to the outbreak of WW3. But it's a craft day, nothing more, nothing> less.> > Yours, with slightly trembly knees> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 19, 2011 Report Share Posted June 19, 2011 To my mind, there are only three classes: Poor, Rich, and The Rest of Us! I don't think we have the kind of class distinctions here in the US that the UK does, based on Kaivey and Soozy's descriptions. Maybe that occurs as a result of the 11+ testing (whatever that is), which puts people in a certain category based on the results. Doesn't seem quite fair. Helena To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Sunday, June 19, 2011 4:52:41 AMSubject: Re: Re: Mostly anxiety? Hey Kaivey, I failed the 11+ too but was lucky enough to get a second chance. I consider myself "middle class" but didn't have a private education or get special training for years to pass the 11+. I think everyone was shocked when I didn't pass but I knew, even though I didn't hear of the diagnosis or in fact get ill enough to be diagnosed till decades later, that my failure was down to OCD and excessive checking of my answers which meant I didn't finish the papers. So it was anxiety related. The few weeks between failing and the second chance I did get homework for the first time ever though and I still have horrendous memories of my father sitting with me frustrated when I was struck dumb, afraid of making mistakes doing quite difficult comprehension exercises. Having taken up studying again recently I realise how deep-rooted my perfectionism and fear of failure is now but I am dealing with it. As you point out some of your working class friends are happier than your middle class ones who passed the 11+ but I wonder really if it's that simple. If you define middle class as focusing on achievement and making money and getting ahead then probably your prediction will come true as it's already in the definition. Not sure I'm expressing this very well but I bet there is a lot of overlap and people in all socio-economic classes will be depressed, doing OK, or functioning very well. Well done you for getting back into education. You don't have to be defined by your social class even though there are obviously many inequalities related to the circumstances into which you are born. The capabilities you are born with which are pretty much the same on average across classes are just as important. You can choose your values and act on them! BW, Soozy Subject: Re: Mostly anxiety?To: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Friday, 17 June, 2011, 20:10 I sit outside the mainstream on many issues. When I was a kid I just loved playing around and having fun, but then I failed my 11+ (I was playing Tim Tam Tommy the night before the exam) and that meant in the UK I was not brainy enough to go 'grammer school', so I had to go to an ordinary school instead (i.e. secondary school) to learn how to be a 'craft person', or even something even far less. My parents couldn't careless about it as it was expected that I would amount to nothing - we were working class, afterall. But years later I dated a middleclass girl and then I learnt that all the middleclass kids had been drilled for years to pass the 11+, even if it meant paying for independent teachers to come around to their home to coach them through the exam. I have always believed that if you make your children feel happy, by loving them regardless of their performance, you install in them everything they need to be successful in life.Kv> > Hiya> > It IS just a cookout. Don't be conned into thinking that it is anything> else. Nothing more, nothing less.> > This afternoon, I'm going to my son's school to do some crafts with him and> other Dads (it's Fathers Day on Sunday, and we've been invited in) and I'm> crapping myself because of all the terrible comparisons my mind will be> doing whilst I am there. "Adam is really behind the other kids...." "Look,> he can't even colour-in properly...." "The other kids are so clever....."> "Why did we have kids, life was so much easier before..... " "Adam's> behaviour is terrible....." "Adam has no friends......" "Adam is being> bullied....."> > But it IS JUST A CRAFT DAY. My mind will try to make it feel like it is> akin to the outbreak of WW3. But it's a craft day, nothing more, nothing> less.> > Yours, with slightly trembly knees> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 19, 2011 Report Share Posted June 19, 2011 Hi Soozy, your post was very interesting. Your dead right, my post was actually so idealistic and naive. If you don't get good grades nowadays then you could end up working 60 vto 70 hours a week to make ends meet, and that's horrible. My romantic view was rather old fashioned and I did somewhat regret the very simplistic post I sent out. Nowadays my old friends may be struggling too, but I wouldn't know as I have not seen them for years. I was basing some of my oppinion on Mathieu Ricard, a French Buddhist who came from a very academic and prestigious family. His father was a famous French surgeon and his family are all intelectuals. He could have been very wealthy, like his family, but he chose to live a poor life in India as a buddhist monk instead because he found so much happiness that way. He has written many books, including one with his father, 'the scientist meets the monk' (paraphrasing) but he always gives all the money he earns from his books to charity. Now I have no idea what his poverty is like, but if he is working 8 hours a day 5 days a week and that gives him suffiecent food and shelter then a Buddhist life like that would be fairly okay, for me anyway, but poverty for many poor people in the world means working all your waking hours everyday just to survive, and although some Buddhists might cope with that, I don't think I would. Thanks Soozy for pointing some of the very simplistic logic in my posts which has given me a chance to address them. Anyway, the corporations rule of Western society may be coming to an end soon, (read Derber) and a truly magnificant and beautiful society based on good old fashioned human values like love, companionship, and friendship could eventually take over - fingers crossed. The Left and Right can battle in their own comunitiess over what shape their future society will take, that's democracy, and I'm up for the battle (I'm very social democratic myself), but both systems are better than corporate rule, and ordinary people can't lose either way as both are systems superb - which have quite a lot in in common anyway. But our society belongs to us, not to the no-bodies who run unacountable big business for the benefit of only a small handful of people. Kv > > > > Hiya > > > > It IS just a cookout. Don't be conned into thinking that it is anything > > else. Nothing more, nothing less. > > > > This afternoon, I'm going to my son's school to do some crafts with him and > > other Dads (it's Fathers Day on Sunday, and we've been invited in) and I'm > > crapping myself because of all the terrible comparisons my mind will be > > doing whilst I am there. " Adam is really behind the other kids.... " " Look, > > he can't even colour-in properly.... " " The other kids are so clever..... " > > " Why did we have kids, life was so much easier before..... " " Adam's > > behaviour is terrible..... " " Adam has no friends...... " " Adam is being > > bullied..... " > > > > But it IS JUST A CRAFT DAY. My mind will try to make it feel like it is > > akin to the outbreak of WW3. But it's a craft day, nothing more, nothing > > less. > > > > Yours, with slightly trembly knees > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 19, 2011 Report Share Posted June 19, 2011 Do you know that there is so much propoganda about that ordinary people beleive the most incredible things. The American Dream is one, but in Europe your much more likely to become rich because the state pays for your education and also assists with your higher vocation as well. The state also takes care of all your medical bills which means you can concentrare on your business, or your art, without those paralysing concerns. In America the is the rich and poor and everyone else, and your dead right, except the middle classses are fast disapearing as corporate down sizing is clearing them out and replacing them by contractors on much lower wages and conditions. But the poor poor Americans believe they are middleclass too, becauese by working all the hours that God sends they can own a widescrean TV like everyone else. Kv > > > > Hiya > > > > It IS just a cookout. Don't be conned into thinking that it is anything > > else. Nothing more, nothing less. > > > > This afternoon, I'm going to my son's school to do some crafts with him and > > other Dads (it's Fathers Day on Sunday, and we've been invited in) and I'm > > crapping myself because of all the terrible comparisons my mind will be > > doing whilst I am there. " Adam is really behind the other kids.... " " Look, > > he can't even colour-in properly.... " " The other kids are so clever..... " > > " Why did we have kids, life was so much easier before..... " " Adam's > > behaviour is terrible..... " " Adam has no friends...... " " Adam is being > > bullied..... " > > > > But it IS JUST A CRAFT DAY. My mind will try to make it feel like it is > > akin to the outbreak of WW3. But it's a craft day, nothing more, nothing > > less. > > > > Yours, with slightly trembly knees > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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