Re: Crash Course in the world of Aislynn

November 28, 2001

Penny, Cinnamon, Ron and Jacquie,

Thanks for your responses, (Jacquie, I am still waiting on).

Your responses have helped me to see the light clearer, and realize what is

really best for my daughter.

Penny brought up a number of points that made me think about the attitudes

that control Aislynn's education. She also made me see it from the

standpoint that just because I don't feel right about something, doesn't mean

it's because I am too close, and want to coddle her. Penny, you brought out

the advocate in me!

Cinnamon reiterated Penny's concern, and made me understand that Penny wasn't

just being overly concerned, (c: that she was being deep and caring.

Ron questioned whether an autistic individual could decide to " pay attention "

or not. As if autistics could maybe NOT be autistic if they didn't want to.

And Jacquie seemed too upset by the letter to comment at the moment. I hope

I read that right.

So because of your caring thoughts, I responded to 's letter tonight. I

thought I would share it with you. I wanted to fold up, but you guys came

through, Thanks!

Barb

And here is what I sent:

*****************

,

After reading this letter many many times, I kept thinking that something was

very wrong in what you were saying. Overall, it sounded so negative, even to

the point of blaming. I know that is never your intention, and I know how

much you love Aislynn, but there is something going on here with the

attitude, and Aislynn is beginning to show signs of increased stress.

Getting homework done is no longer even slightly fun for her. Dancing is a

chore, she seems to have no enthusiasm for anything anymore. Dad yells at

her all the time, and she is never happy.

I propose we start doing for her, rather than her doing for us. She has kept

up her end of the bargain by working her tail off at home on homework, to the

point she has no time to watch TV or her beloved videos.

We must try and decrease the stress, even if every class has to be modified.

If PE isn't working out, go back to adaptive. We need to change for her if

things are calling for it.

I am addressing each point you make, and acting as Aislynn's advocate now,

not her Mom. I do not believe I am doing this just because she is my

daughter.

In a message dated 11/27/01 11:38:53 PM Pacific Standard Time,

inazoo4u@... writes:

> ,

> I don't know why I didn't see this before , except that I have been so

> busy with school. As far as the ceasar kid, he always is yelling, he is a

> little guys and most of the time is not even directed at aislynn, she tells

> him shhhhh, be quiet, so ofcourse he tells her to leave him alone.

>

Okay, I do not want anyone directing their yelling at Aislynn,

I don't care what their particular problem is, he has no right.

> I think that most of the kids laugh because they can't understand why she is

> yelling at him.

>

The key here is tolerance. The other children should be

learning that, not participating in putting her down en masse.

> During the frisbee thing aislynn was having trouble throwing the

> frisbee and being a guy ceasar threw it harder and faster, so did the rest

> of the guys, this is one of those things that all guys do in regular ed.

> classes and something that aislynn needs to learn to deal with.

>

I did not understand that Caesar was her partner, is he?

Perhaps you can help her to understand that she does not

have to try and keep up with the kids that are good in PE,

but try and keep her own goals in perspective.

> If she is to be successful in the surroundings of the general population,

> she needs to learn to adapt to them as well as them adapting to her. This

> kind of

> immature play and teasing is something that goes on in all the classes all

> the time.

>

I see her struggling to adapt, I see nothing in this letter that they have

adapted to her in any way. By and large, this letter is very negative and is

quite down on Aislynn's lack of ability to fit in. No teasing is

appropriate, and she does not have to get used to it! When they tease her,

it is an assault on her disability, and I won't stand for that. Don't tell

me any other child has to put up with the same amounts of it that she does.

If they do, it's a travesty in human rights. The school should be protecting

them, not encouraging abuse and telling them to get used to it.

> Her skills of dealing with people are still a problem for her but I feel

> with maturity she will grow and be able to handle herself better.

>

True, but she cannot learn if others are allowed to take advantage of her.

> As far as the play goes it's your call, I think it's a terrific experience

> for

> her and she is really excited about it. When she had to memeorize 3 lines

> for her part in the history play she forgot them all and the group was mad

> at her, this is part of my concern, she has alot of lines and the other

> kids

> will be depending on her to remember them.

>

MAD at her? Why? As if they never have those problems?

I am surprised that Aislynn still wants to be in that play after that, but

maybe she just doesn't understand how mean people can be. They do not have

the right to verbally abuse her in any way! Mad at her?

> It is also distracting for her. I see that she can remember to be at

> rehearsal for drama without being reminded, and she choses what she pays

> attention to, these are some of the bad habits she needs to break.

>

Okay, she is NOT choosing what to pay attention to. She has a disability

that makes paying attention DIFFICULT. There is no conscious choice. You

certainly are not implying that she also " chooses " to be autistic?

> I have told her that I feel she is doing great and she is working hard, but

> it is

> time for her to take more responsibility in working through the things that

> are difficult for her. I tell her that she is capable of anything she wants

> to do, but she just can't pick and chose which ones she likes and

> dislikes,at least not now.

>

Just curious, when will she be allowed to choose? <g> I do know what you are

saying, and pushing her has been successful, but how do we know when it's too

much?

> The english paper she did last night was done wrong, we have been working on

> this for three weeks and she knew what she

> was supposed to do, but its difficult for her and it requires concentration

> and paying attention to what she is doing. I am having her turn it in so

> Ms.

> Walters will tell her what was wrong and see if she will make it right.

>

These are the constant problems due to autism. We do not understand why one

day she seems to have it, and the next day does not. I assure you, she loves

English and wants to do her best. Our frustration with this one day knowing

it, one day not, can make one batty, but we must continue to never " assume "

she has anything down pat.

> I am always proud of aislynn she works harder then most, but she needs to so

> she

> can stay with the pack.

>

I wish you hadn't said " but. "

No, she does not need to stay with the pack, she will never be one of the

pack. She will always be the odd person out, and that is acceptance on our

part if we allow that. If she can't keep up, then we all must accept that

and modify her program so that she can excel and feel good about herself.

Right now she feels down on herself all of the time and it is killing me to

watch her never seem to get her head above water.

> It is hard for her to focus because she is so excited about the play, I say

> lets go for it, she is hillarious. We will have to make sure that she

> doesn't fall behind in her school work.

>

The play is still optional. She does need something to look forward to,

though.

A kid's school years should not be so painful that they take with them to

high school a severely deflated ego. I remember 13 being the worst age by

far for me, but that was due to social issues, not because I could not keep

up in school. Aislynn is not dealing entirely on social issues that many of

the kids are dealing with. She doesn't care about how friends see her, or

what to wear that day, or even if a certain boy talks to her, (although, I

know she does have eyes for boys). Her biggest problems are so far away from

the other kids that we are not talking about " this is what a 13 year old goes

through. " It isn't. No 13 year old has to deal with hypersensitive hearing

when a puny kid is screaming in class. No 13 year old deals with the

repercussions of not getting to that bus on time, or stuttering so severely

that nobody will ever call them their friend when choosing their circle of

pals.

The problems that this 13 year old deals with are NOTHING like the others,

unless they are autistic and dwell on seemingless meaningless trivia.

Her talents are like a rare gem, and her mind has no boundaries. She lives a

freer life, one that we would all like to live. However, we stick to social

limits, and those limits make us what we are. We all want Aislynn to be able

to function in the real world, but let's assure that by doing this, her

spirit won't get broken.

Her uniqueness is her best asset. Let's teach the others that.

Barb

**************

Now, this is her response that I just received:

**********************

Dear Barbara,

I 'm completely blown away that your interpretation of what I wrote is

so negative. I have worked so hard to make aislynn feel accomplished and

sucessful. I cannot make the work dissapear or can I ever decide to do it

for her. She is where she is because she is smart enough to be sucessful in

anything she decides to do. I have made adjustments in any situation that

becomes too difficult or uncomfortable for her. She is the only one who goes

in to dress early so she doesnt have to worry about missing the bus, she

still worries even with being on the bus 10 minutes before it leaves, I

can't change that. I talked to ceasar as I said and he said he wasn't even

talking to her, her partner was changed 2 weeks ago. If you feel that the

homework is to much for her then you need to modify even more. The english

proficiency exam won't count for her because she doesnt pass it, but she

gets a A in the class, I still want to teach her how to write, with her

imagination she can write terrific stories. Aislynn is very fortunate in

many ways, she has so many people assisting her to help her be sucessful in

life. Her austism can only hurt her if she lets it, I believe that she can

accomplish anything she wants and I continually tell her that. No i don't do

her work for her. No I dont give her the answers. When her homework is late

the teachers say that's okay just bring it tomorrow. Everyone is pulling for

her and supporting her and protecting her whenever necessary. I am very

sadened by your response. I think her grades speak for themseleves. If you

would like I can look into making a change and finding her a new aid, let me

know.

November 28, 2001

> Barb and Jim,

> As far as the ceasar kid, he always is yelling, he is a

> little guys and most of the time is not even directed at aislynn,

she tells

> him shhhhh, be quiet, so of course he tells her to leave him alone.

I think

> that most of the kids laugh because they can't understand why she

is yelling

> at him. During the frisbee thing aislynn was having trouble

throwing the

> frisbee and being a guy ceasar threw it harder and faster, so did

the rest

> of the guys, this is one of those things that all guys do in

regular ed.

> classes and something that aislynn needs to learn to deal with. If

she is to

> be sucessfull in the surroundings of the general population, she

needs to

> learn to adapt to them as well as them adapting to her. This kind

of

> immature play and teasing is something that goes on in all the

classes all

> the time.

OK. I haven't even READ the rest of this and I'm already PO'd. NO

NO NO NO NO..... The school should NOT be condoning immature play

and teasing. It should NOT go on all the time NOR should Aislynn

have to adapt to it.

I'm going to go away for a few minutes then come back and tear the

rest of that letter apart.

Geez...

Penny :-|

November 28, 2001

> Barb and Jim,

> As far as the ceasar kid, he always is yelling,<<<

----Why is this child " always yelling " ...I would assume that would be

somewhat distracting.

>During the frisbee thing aislynn was having trouble throwing the

> frisbee and being a guy ceasar threw it harder and faster, so did

>the rest of the guys, this is one of those things that all guys do

>in regular ed. classes and something that aislynn needs to learn to

>deal with.<<<

----Now what a load of crap! She needs to learn to " deal with "

someone else obnoxious behavior? Let's see, she tries to tell

the " ceasar kid " to be quiet, and no one backs her up!!! Geez.

>> If she is to be sucessfull in the surroundings of the general

>population, she needs to learn to adapt to them as well as them

>dapting to her. This kind of immature play and teasing is something

>hat goes on in all the classes all the time.Her skills of dealing

>ith people are still a problem for her but I feel with maturity she

>will grow and be able to handle herself better. <<<

Yes, she may...but what about all of this immature play and teasing.

Why isn't tolerance being taught..Are THEY doing ANYTHING to help her

learn to deal with people?

>

> As far as the play goes it's your call, I think it's a terrific

>experience for her and she is really excited about it. When she had

>to memeorize 3 lines for her part in the history play she forgot

>them all and the group was mad at her, this is part of my concern,

>she has alot of lines and the other kids will be depending on her to

>remember them.<<<<

& *^^*%^ & ^. The group was " mad at her " ? For forgetting her lines? I

didn't realize that a 13 year old was suppose to be perfect. Again,

why isn't tolerance being taught here? Everyone forgets lines..even

those " NT " kids, believe it or not.

> It is also distracting for her. I see that she can remember to be

>at rehearsal for drama without being reminded, and she chooses what

>she pays attention to, these are some of the bad habits she needs to

>break.<<<<

Why does it sound to me like whoever wrote this letter is using as

many " negatives " as possible. A " bad habit she needs to break " ????

Give me a BREAK.

> I have told her that I feel she is doing great and she is working

>hard, but it is time for her to take more responsibility in working

>through the things that are difficult for her. I tell her that she

>is capable of anything she wants to do, but she just can't pick and

>choose which ones she likes and dislikes,at least not now. <<<<

The problem *I* see here is this person really should have left

the " but " s out. um, and why can't she choose now? Is there a

timeframe?

> The english paper she did last night was done wrong, we have been

>working on this for three weeks and she knew what she was supposed

>to do, but its difficult for her and it requires concentration

> and paying attention to what she is doing.<<<

Can this person be any more negative??? It sounds like she just

continues to " blame " Aisylnn.

> I am having her turn it in so Ms. Walters will tell her what was

>wrong and see if she will make it right. I am always proud of

>aislynn she works harder then most, but she needs to so she can stay

>with the pack.<<<<

No comment.

How much experience does " " have, anyhow?

Sorry if this is so blunt, but geez...it seems very negative to me,

and not very helpful.

Penny :-/

November 28, 2001