Re: Chronic Pain & Dating

[Guest guest]

bekki. hi im brenda lee new here also. let me tell you my story , and

then i would like you to give me an opinion

novmeber.. 1999. i was married for 14 years stay at home mom. two kids

boy girl.. i got accpeted into a nursing course..so i took the chance

and got in,,,, my mom got sick,, in a comma for 3 weeks, i would do

school , sit with mom,, this day to day until she woke up,,,,april 2000

mom passed away her diabeetes . she gave up.

i was upset, mad . wondering why? june 2000 i passed my nursing

course...... i was proud. i made it .. august 2000 my aunt ann died,,,

heart attack 54, she help raise me 2nd mom.... then november 2000 my

best freind age 34 had infection that killed her,,, left 2 girls

behind...

i was in shock,,,where i lived small town,, no work for nurses so my

freind got me aa part time job at a food store i worked in deli/bakery

januray 2001. the store was robbed . me and 2 other coworkers fled for

our lives, the robbers had a shot gun and knife we hid on roof for 2

hours until help arrived.

as i was fleeing through store i fell 3 times on my face, the shift was

over floors wet, i went to hosp to get checked doc said, its in your

head your not hurt, well the next day my rite lower back, and rite hip

could not walk,,

was on wcb. also i had an abusive hubby for 15 years i stayed for kids,,

i knew i would need a carreaer to look after myself and kids so i left,

then i was on wcb for 5 months,, until they said i was better in my

head. i did a rehab for 5 weeks but it never helped they kept telling me

i was fine ,,,

i was in chronic pain back hip,, they cut me off and i sat in my condo i

moved to and thought what am i to do> my ex would not help with kids,

food nothing... a freind of mine lived 8 hours away and said brenda come

here there are hospitals you will get work, so i left both kids with my

sis and went to look for work,,

i applied at one place got hired,, i worked for 3 weeks went back,, my

kids were 12 and 11 and asked them do u want to come or stay? girl came

boy stayed it broke my heart ive been with my kids there whole life. i

had to leave for my ex . was stalking me, threats i just left,,still in

pain from robbery,,and i had no money.. well i moved stayed with a

freind ive known since grade one, saved money and moved out to our own

place,,,,, i was in pain from work day to day...

i was loooking on the net to meet freinds ect just to go for coffe movie

not loking for an relationship.. well i did meet eric online,, we

chatted for 3 weeks then calls, he sent pic of himself, i never had one

to send him,,, he wanted to meet me so i drove 3 hours away and went to

the door, he had the bluest eyes ever,, we wer both honest from the

start, thats why we hit it off, i moved up to red deer alberta whre i am

now, and he knew about my pain,,, my past with ex,, he just was so there

for me,,,

april 2002 i went to work in hospital.. transfering residant he went to

fall i caught him landed on me . i never had the heart to let him

fall,, instant pain rite hip lower back,, i went to doc take time off,,

i started to change every day due to pain,,, everything changed myself.

eric has stood by me thourhg the worst thing that happened to me pain

day in day out, new meds, being sick trying to find the rite meds to

make me pain free,

thye found i hav degen in lower back, l3l4l5, ripped torn buldged also

narrow spinal column,, 3 docs no surgery buldge to close to spinal

cord,, then rite hip they just found osteo arthrits in it,, then mri

found a bone chip floating g in joint causing me pain cause it moves

ceases in one spot and it knoocks me down so much pain from back and

hip, some days i cant walk,,

but eric has been here for me from the start he has accepted what has

happened to me and will stand by my side, he understands what i go

through day to day,,, im on very many pain meds to try to get myself

comfotable to tolerate the pain im in,, wcb cut my wages off this past

june,,, but i have an lwayer that will get me an appeall next year,

what i mtrying to say,, about dating,, eric has seen the changes in me

but he stuck by my side through it all,, it very hard to cope some days

with simple daily things,,, to get dressed , to go out to store, ive

lost some of my independance but he has stood by myside,,,im still on

waitng lists for my back anf hip for surgery to remove bone chip and try

maybe some surgey because i do not know what is worse than the situation

with the pain im in,,,,,,

welll thats been my life for the past 3 years now pain,,,,if we let it

win us over it can kill us,, i will not giv up i will keep looking for

anserws for my back and hip,, i will win im strong, willed,, and yes

thanks to eric ive made it this far,,,keep chin up on dating you just

never know,,,, look what has happened to me and who is here for me,,,

eric and my kids............... brenda lee

Becki wrote:

I'm just wondering how others of you who also suffer from chronic

pain deal with dating issues.

[Guest guest]

Hi Becki, I haven't responded to a post in some time, but did want to give you

some positive feed back in regards to yours. I to once felt as you do, and

wondered if it was fair to " Burden " or if I would be holding someone back.

However if someone truly loves and cares for you they do accept you for who you

are, that being the good, and the bad. I am happy to say I can write this as a

voice of experience in having found a little less then a year ago a man that

neither seems burdened, or held back, but has asked me to share the rest of our

lives together. I wish you the very best at your finding your special someone.

He is out there, and when he finds you he will have looked deep, and listened

deeper, and your having Chronic Pain won't be what he

sees..........................Hugz Wanda

Becki wrote:

I'm just wondering how others of you who also suffer from chronic

pain deal with dating issues.

[Guest guest]

Dear Wanda,

This email was not meant for me, but, what an uplifting one. I have been alone

now since my injury. The gentlemen i was with tried very hard, but, just could

not find the compassion, he just did not have it in him. He calls almost

everyday, but, if we ever get together he becomes very negative and really acts

as if he does not care. Yes, it gets so very lonely, and to add to that, what a

beautiful thing it would be to have someone there to console you and them as

well with this crap that life throws at us. In my shape right now physically,

my pain has increased and i am now having a hard time walking, when my injury

started in my shoulder and spine, i would not have the strength to be in a new

relathionship.

Its funny to me, when i first injured myself, i signed up for an online dating

service thinking " ok " this is the way to find someone, only to find a bunch of

married men only looking for one thing...so, for now, very sadly to say, i am

alone and it is so difficult to fight this workers comp and pain on your

own..some one to care about you would be such a beautiful thing...but, not know

i guess....thanks for even the thought that it could happen...janine

[Guest guest]

Hi, my name is Tim and I'm a newbee.

Just started surfing the messages and came across this one. I find it

very interesting because I have been wondering about my marriage. I mean

to say, I have been very happily married for two years now. I had some

pains and problems before we got married, but in the past year it has

grown to chronic preportion.

I am in much pain all day, every day now. My wife seems to understand

but then again, she doesnt talk much about it, so I guess i dont really

know. I dont know if I would have the confidence to ask her to marry me

in this state. As you put it 'burden someone with this'.

We are still very happy, but at Thanksgiving we were at a family get

together for a couple of days. At the end of the first day my wife (long

story short) asked if I could 'just act likeI'im alright' you

know,,don't bring everyone else down just because 'I' dont feel good.

Guess I did a good job, faked it, and never heard another word about it.

Now, in two weeks we will be with them again for Christmas, have no

doubt, I WILL be very clear, if I'm hurting, dont feel good, then I

guess it will have to show. So if thats a problem then I will just stay

home and do the holidays by myself.

I know I just rambled on some, but this is why I just joined this

group,,,so I can talk to those who understand.

Good luck with everything. Tim

Becki wrote:

> I'm just wondering how others of you who also suffer from chronic

> pain deal with dating issues.

[Guest guest]

Janine<<<Yes, it gets so very lonely, and to add to that, what a beautiful

thing it would be to have someone there to console you and them as well with

this crap that life throws at us. In my shape right now physically, my pain

has increased and i am now having a hard time walking, when my injury

started in my shoulder and spine, i would not have the strength to be in a

new relathionship.>>>

Hi Janine,

I'm in the same boat as you are...would be nice to have someone there to

help and console you but on the other hand I don't have the strength to take

care of myself let alone try and be in a relationship. Most of the time too

I just don't feel like I have much to offer someone and I don't think that

is fair.

I figure if it comes along I won't fight it but for now I guess I'll just

have to talk to the dog!

Take care,

Ann/Pa

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

My cats have carried me thru some rough times for sure. It may sound strange,

but, it is damn true. I dont know what in the world i would have done without

them. We had a while on this board when we all talked about what types of

animals we had and how they helped us tremendously. So, i can realte, i love my

two cats so much...they can be so funny at times, and i have on that i have had

for 13 years and she is the most lovable and adorable thing you would ever meet.

Of course my other cat is lovely too, but not lovable really, just in her own

way. But, they both love me so much, and that gives me something daily to fill

my heart up....so, i know what you mean about your dog...janine

p.s. As a matter of fact, the 13 year old, i usually have one cup of coffee

before feeding them, and this morning she would not put up with it, so she came

over got up on the table right beside my chair here, and she nibbles and pulls

on my shirt, like " come on, its time to eat " ! How can i say no to that...love

em so much....

[Guest guest]

on 12/9/04 4:25 PM, benderville2003 at benderville2003@... wrote:

Hi, my name is Tim and I'm a newbee.

I just joined this group,,,so I can talk to those who understand.

Tim

Becki wrote:

I'm just wondering how others of you who also suffer from chronic pain deal with

dating issues.

This has become such a hot topic, I just had to chime in. I have had pain

for about 7 years now, although it is progressive, so worse now.

When I met Bob five years ago I was still working full-time as a legal

secretary. We were truthful about ourselves from day one. There were

things about him I needed to know, and I also was forthright about my health

(or lack thereof!) I think that bearing your " uglies " is a must, although

it isn't the first story you want to tell about yourself!!

Nine months later when he proposed to me, I tried to talk him out of it.

Not only was I going into another surgery and health was guaranteed to

decline, I also have a son...Talk about major burden! I couldn't understand

WHY someone would want to take this on.

He explained to me then, (and a few times since when I get nutzo:) That he

loved me and my son. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with us. By

pushing him away, thinking he deserves better, belittled HIS feelings. He

knew what he was in for and that is for the long haul he would not be happy

without us in his life.

Well, I can't say that our lives since then have been " Happily Ever After "

But I CAN say that this man is the most wonderful man. Sensitive,

empathetic, caring, helpful. I know it is very hard on him when he has to

see me in pain, and there is nothing he can do. He gets frustrated with it,

just like I do. He will talk with me about my health, let me talk about it

(tho I try not to too much)

I guess what I am trying to say is that there ARE good people out there who

can see that this " uglie " (pain) *is* a large part of our life, but does NOT

define our worth or who we are. People who will love us unconditionally, be

emotionally supportive, and we *can* live in a " normal " loving relationship.

Yikes...what a long 2 cents!

Blessed Be, Lori in California

[Guest guest]

/dear susan

Herring wrote:

I do wish you luck, but, i can tell that all will be just fine and you will

enjoy yourself. you sound so strong willed and happy. It is a breath of fresh

air...god bless you found bill. It is a wonderful thing to have a man in your

life like that...what a dream...Big hugs and dont worry all will be fine and you

will have a very good time...janine

[Guest guest]

Lori wrote:

<<People who will love us unconditionally, be emotionally supportive, and we

*can* live in a " normal " loving relationship.>>

Hey Lori and all,

I have a very kind husband but emotionally he " shuts down " when it comes to my

pain. He tries to deny it even exsists sometimes and that really hurts me. I

wish I could live in denial (not really but you know what I mean) but pain does

not let us deny it. It is there no matter if we fight it or not. He acts as if I

am boring him if I try to explain what I am going through.

This weekend was really hard. I have walking pnemonia (on top of everything

else) and my husband just does not get it. He WILL NOT do things with our

daughter to take some of the pressure of me. She is an only child and needs

stimulation (besides sitting in front of the TV all day long). I guess since he

is happy doing that, he thinks she should be too. But she isn't and does not

even bother asking him if he will play with her or take her to the park, because

she already knows what the answer will be. So she comes to me and and of course

I feel all the pressure and guilt of not being able to do. Why does he not feel

this guilt? He is in perfect health but still cannot pull his weight. When I

bring it up to him he says " why do we always have to be doing something? " . Thats

the problem...we are rarely doing something. I need him to push himself as hard

as I push myself daily just to make it through the day. I feel like he takes his

health for granted and should be " doing " while he can.

Am I being harsh or mean? I know I shouldn't place my expectations on him like

that, but its hard. All I need is a little help now and then. Is that too much

to ask for? He acts like I'm being a tyrant if I bring any of this up. Its

pushing us apart and that is exactly what I DON'T need right now.

Thanks for listening,

Caitlin/AR