Guest guest Posted June 19, 2011 Report Share Posted June 19, 2011 Hi n - The only opinion on your question that matters is yours. I've highlighted several parts of your post. The blue ones sound vital. The red ones sound unuseful."The supreme achievement is to win freedom to become yourself." Greek I think. It sounds like you've done that. What do you really think?Bill> To: ACT_for_the_Public > Date: Sun, 19 Jun 2011 12:56:39 +0000> Subject: Is this a vital life?> > Is this a "vital" life"? I'm 69 years old. I've experienced social anxiety all of my life. In adulthood, I almost always had a "significant other" but very few friends. I was often depressed about this. I felt unlikable and unworthy. I continued to participate socially where I was usually very talkative and playful, enjoyed this, but did not make friends. My depression increased. Then, recently, I discovered ACT, was in mindfulness-based therapy and got on anti-depression meds. I'm no longer depressed. I no longer feel unworthy, but I still see myself as not particularly likable to most people, perhaps partly because of my sometimes weird humor, my talkativeness and other alienating social behaviors. I have only two close people who are just about the only ones I socialize with. We enjoy each other. No one in my homogeneous, close-knit community initiates contact with me. I love my everyday rituals and activities, mostly done alone. I recently have chosen rarely to go to the many social events that occur at the community where I live, having gone repeatedly in the past, having lessened my possibly alienating behaviors, and still not having succeeded in connecting with anyone. Mostly I feel content the way I live, mostly at home, mostly alone, but sometimes I wonder if I'm continuing to avoid socializing out of anxiety about rejection rather than because I don't enjoy most of the activities and find the people not very interesting or interested (in me). One of my values is to have a balance between solitude and socializing and to socialize out of "wants" rather than "shoulds." The solitude time is way more than the socializing time and I don't know if this is ME and OK or if I'm rationalizing to avoid the discomfort of essentially being ignored at social occasions unless I very actively seek out contact. Does it sound like I'm rationalizing by deciding I'm introverted to justify my staying home and alone so much rather than going out more and risking more rejection and boredom? Does it sound like I'm living a vital life? > > n> > > > > ------------------------------------> > For other ACT materials and list serves see www.contextualpsychology.org> > If you do not wish to belong to ACT_for_the_Public, you may > unsubscribe by sending an email to > ACT_for_the_Public-unsubscribe@...! Groups Links> > <*> To visit your group on the web, go to:> http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public/> > <*> Your email settings:> Individual Email | Traditional> > <*> To change settings online go to:> http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public/join> (Yahoo! ID required)> > <*> To change settings via email:> ACT_for_the_Public-digest > ACT_for_the_Public-fullfeatured > > <*> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 19, 2011 Report Share Posted June 19, 2011 I agree with Bill. And it also occurs to me that every moment you choose to do anything you could say you are missing out on all the other things you could have chosen to do instead. I think when I really have missed out it's because I've spent time regretting what I didn't choose to do or have spent time deliberating, hoping to make the perfect choice and in the end not chosen to do anything at all but everything has happened to me by default. Of course things do happen to us that are not our choice but then we can still choose how we react. I'm thinking of Viktor l now. Soozy Subject: RE: Is this a vital life?To: "ACT_for_the_Public" <act_for_the_public >Date: Sunday, 19 June, 2011, 14:20 Hi n - The only opinion on your question that matters is yours. I've highlighted several parts of your post. The blue ones sound vital. The red ones sound unuseful. "The supreme achievement is to win freedom to become yourself." Greek I think. It sounds like you've done that. What do you really think? Bill > To: ACT_for_the_Public > Date: Sun, 19 Jun 2011 12:56:39 +0000> Subject: Is this a vital life?> > Is this a "vital" life"? I'm 69 years old. I've experienced social anxiety all of my life. In adulthood, I almost always had a "significant other" but very few friends. I was often depressed about this. I felt unlikable and unworthy. I continued to participate socially where I was usually very talkative and playful, enjoyed this, but did not make friends. My depression increased. Then, recently, I discovered ACT, was in mindfulness-based therapy and got on anti-depression meds. I'm no longer depressed. I no longer feel unworthy, but I still see myself as not particularly likable to most people, perhaps partly because of my sometimes weird humor, my talkativeness and other alienating social behaviors. I have only two close people who are just about the only ones I socialize with. We enjoy each other. No one in my homogeneous, close-knit community initiates contact with me. I love my everyday rituals and activities, mostly done alone. I recently have chosen rarely to go to the many social events that occur at the community where I live, having gone repeatedly in the past, having lessened my possibly alienating behaviors, and still not having succeeded in connecting with anyone. Mostly I feel content the way I live, mostly at home, mostly alone, but sometimes I wonder if I'm continuing to avoid socializing out of anxiety about rejection rather than because I don't enjoy most of the activities and find the people not very interesting or interested (in me). One of my values is to have a balance between solitude and socializing and to socialize out of "wants" rather than "shoulds." The solitude time is way more than the socializing time and I don't know if this is ME and OK or if I'm rationalizing to avoid the discomfort of essentially being ignored at social occasions unless I very actively seek out contact. Does it sound like I'm rationalizing by deciding I'm introverted to justify my staying home and alone so much rather than going out more and risking more rejection and boredom? Does it sound like I'm living a vital life? > > n> > > > > ------------------------------------> > For other ACT materials and list serves see www.contextualpsychology.org> > If you do not wish to belong to ACT_for_the_Public, you may > unsubscribe by sending an email to > ACT_for_the_Public-unsubscribe@...! Groups Links> > <*> To visit your group on the web, go to:> http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public/> > <*> Your email settings:> Individual Email | Traditional> > <*> To change settings online go to:> http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public/join> (Yahoo! ID required)> > <*> To change settings via email:> ACT_for_the_Public-digest > ACT_for_the_Public-fullfeatured > > <*> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 20, 2011 Report Share Posted June 20, 2011 Bill, Thanks for your reply. Yes, it is my opinion that counts yet I’m not sure my opinion that “it’s in my best interest not to socialize much or try to make friends†is accurate or a thought my mind is using to protect me from the anxiety of social interactions. What I “really think†is that I would be more content with a couple more friends. What I “really think†is I don’t need anymore friends; I’m content enough now and it’s only my thoughts about needing more friends that make me wonder if I’m avoiding rather than freely choosing a fairly isolated life. So, as you see, two of my “really thinks†contradict each other. I wish your highlighting had shown up, but I can probably pretty much guess the red and the blue of it. I’ve been lurking for a long time and truly appreciate your clarity of mind, grasp of ACT, and willingness to give your valuable feedback to others. n Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 20, 2011 Report Share Posted June 20, 2011 Hi n:I think you are living a vital life, that's the short answer. I would agree with the phrases that Bill highlighted. It sounds like there is a lot of good in what you've been doing. It seems like you yearn for more but it doesn't seem to be coming. I can relate to that. I also feel like I have a hard time connecting with people. I look around and it seems like everyone else has an easier time. Then I read the studies that say that most people, especially men, have very few close friends. I certainly have good friends and sometimes it's the case that they want to be closer to me and I'm the one who resists. But I often feel like at social gatherings, I'm easily ignored if I don't actively seek to engage people.If you feel mostly content with the way you live, you are doing better than many people. If you love some of what you are doing every day, that's a good thing, too. I sense that you feel like something is missing. I don't have an answer. I feel that way, too. BruceIs this a "vital" life"? I'm 69 years old. I've experienced social anxiety all of my life. In adulthood, I almost always had a "significant other" but very few friends. I was often depressed about this. I felt unlikable and unworthy. I continued to participate socially where I was usually very talkative and playful, enjoyed this, but did not make friends. My depression increased. Then, recently, I discovered ACT, was in mindfulness-based therapy and got on anti-depression meds. I'm no longer depressed. I no longer feel unworthy, but I still see myself as not particularly likable to most people, perhaps partly because of my sometimes weird humor, my talkativeness and other alienating social behaviors. I have only two close people who are just about the only ones I socialize with. We enjoy each other. No one in my homogeneous, close-knit community initiates contact with me. I love my everyday rituals and activities, mostly done alone. I recently have chosen rarely to go to the many social events that occur at the community where I live, having gone repeatedly in the past, having lessened my possibly alienating behaviors, and still not having succeeded in connecting with anyone. Mostly I feel content the way I live, mostly at home, mostly alone, but sometimes I wonder if I'm continuing to avoid socializing out of anxiety about rejection rather than because I don't enjoy most of the activities and find the people not very interesting or interested (in me). One of my values is to have a balance between solitude and socializing and to socialize out of "wants" rather than "shoulds." The solitude time is way more than the socializing time and I don't know if this is ME and OK or if I'm rationalizing to avoid the discomfort of essentially being ignored at social occasions unless I very actively seek out contact. Does it sound like I'm rationalizing by deciding I'm introverted to justify my staying home and alone so much rather than going out more and risking more rejection and boredom? Does it sound like I'm living a vital life? n Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 20, 2011 Report Share Posted June 20, 2011 Marriane I agree more then I can care to admit. I too am unsure if it is something I am choosing or found from the past not working out just not trying. Then they're the things I like to do like kayaking that I no longer feel I can phsically do. I was always better in activities then idle chit chat with groups unless the group held educational conversations. For me there is definelty an elment of giving up something deep down I have value in becuase I cant participate in the way I think fit. Perhaps, that is what should change- I dont know. Lin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 20, 2011 Report Share Posted June 20, 2011 n - For what it's worth I have no close friends outside of my family. You sound like an introvert - someone who charges their batteries by being by them self or just a few people. An extrovert is someone who charges their batteries by being with lots of people. You may be squarely in the middle between the two - that's me. Enjoy it and don't try to force yourself to be one or the other.I think you are over-thinking this big time. Why do you have to resolve this? But if you must how about finding one new friend?:)BillTo: ACT_for_the_Public From: camarin2@...Date: Mon, 20 Jun 2011 09:25:28 -0400Subject: Re: Is this a vital life? Bill, Thanks for your reply. Yes, it is my opinion that counts yet I’m not sure my opinion that “it’s in my best interest not to socialize much or try to make friends” is accurate or a thought my mind is using to protect me from the anxiety of social interactions. What I “really think” is that I would be more content with a couple more friends. What I “really think” is I don’t need anymore friends; I’m content enough now and it’s only my thoughts about needing more friends that make me wonder if I’m avoiding rather than freely choosing a fairly isolated life. So, as you see, two of my “really thinks” contradict each other. I wish your highlighting had shown up, but I can probably pretty much guess the red and the blue of it. I’ve been lurking for a long time and truly appreciate your clarity of mind, grasp of ACT, and willingness to give your valuable feedback to others. n Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 20, 2011 Report Share Posted June 20, 2011 weed out the thoughts that say you " need " something " needs " are basic necessities, therefore " need " implies that you literally can't do without it, which you know, just isn't true, as you are alive, breathing, and fully functional given your story in doing this, 'either or' is great, as ultimately you just don't have that much control over others...but it undercuts barriers and opens you to experiencing more on a personal note, my life was transformed when I questioned the simple unconscious belief that I " should " be in a relationship.. > > > > Bill, > > Thanks for your reply. Yes, it is my opinion that counts yet I’m not sure my opinion that “it’s in my best interest not to socialize much or try to make friends†is accurate or a thought my mind is using to protect me from the anxiety of social interactions. What I “really think†is that I would be more content with a couple more friends. What I “really think†is I don’t need anymore friends; I’m content enough now and it’s only my thoughts about needing more friends that make me wonder if I’m avoiding rather than freely choosing a fairly isolated life. So, as you see, two of my “really thinks†contradict each other. I wish your highlighting had shown up, but I can probably pretty much guess the red and the blue of it. > > I’ve been lurking for a long time and truly appreciate your clarity of mind, grasp of ACT, and willingness to give your valuable feedback to others. > > n > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 20, 2011 Report Share Posted June 20, 2011 hi, not sure if this helps, but i have experienced social anxiety most of my life too, and recently, i am using the following thought as a way to get me out of my rut... " finding meaning is a by product of engagement... " which means to me that whatever is meaningful to me, whether that is something in my work, or my family, or my friends, or leisure activities... i will find it through engagement... engagement in the various activities, engagement in life's projects, with others as well as on our own. For me, it's about opening up to what is it you want, to what is meaningful to you, and then making room for it through engagement, engagement with others, to the best of your ability. Tom > > Is this a " vital " life " ? I'm 69 years old. I've experienced social anxiety all of my life. In adulthood, I almost always had a " significant other " but very few friends. I was often depressed about this. I felt unlikable and unworthy. I continued to participate socially where I was usually very talkative and playful, enjoyed this, but did not make friends. My depression increased. Then, recently, I discovered ACT, was in mindfulness-based therapy and got on anti-depression meds. I'm no longer depressed. I no longer feel unworthy, but I still see myself as not particularly likable to most people, perhaps partly because of my sometimes weird humor, my talkativeness and other alienating social behaviors. I have only two close people who are just about the only ones I socialize with. We enjoy each other. No one in my homogeneous, close-knit community initiates contact with me. I love my everyday rituals and activities, mostly done alone. I recently have chosen rarely to go to the many social events that occur at the community where I live, having gone repeatedly in the past, having lessened my possibly alienating behaviors, and still not having succeeded in connecting with anyone. Mostly I feel content the way I live, mostly at home, mostly alone, but sometimes I wonder if I'm continuing to avoid socializing out of anxiety about rejection rather than because I don't enjoy most of the activities and find the people not very interesting or interested (in me). One of my values is to have a balance between solitude and socializing and to socialize out of " wants " rather than " shoulds. " The solitude time is way more than the socializing time and I don't know if this is ME and OK or if I'm rationalizing to avoid the discomfort of essentially being ignored at social occasions unless I very actively seek out contact. Does it sound like I'm rationalizing by deciding I'm introverted to justify my staying home and alone so much rather than going out more and risking more rejection and boredom? Does it sound like I'm living a vital life? > > n > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 20, 2011 Report Share Posted June 20, 2011 Hi, Why not try a new experiment and open up to it with curiosity, and be willing to be surprised? And then simply notice what your experience is telling you. The way i read the expression Re: 'your opinion is the only one that matters' is from a much more defused place now, with unbelievable gratitude to ACT. It's not that you look literally to your mind's opinion, but that you look to your own experience right NOW, and NOW again (because this is your life). You/We make ongoing choices as to Yes, or No, or Not Now based on chosen values now, what seems to be working best for you in this current context you're in now. And this is important because what used to be so for you may no longer be. Or maybe it needs to be tweaked just a little. Just as one may add or subtract ingredients in a recipe over time as new information comes in regarding health or, if say your taste simply changes. And it requires a willingness to be honest with yourself as to what's working for you, what's humming for you-- and what isn't. And it takes practice. It might take some trips and hard falls. (like the one i took yesterday-- that is still hurting, yet i also learned how precious i hold helping others and being useful). And so when you do fall, you compassionately brush yourself off, hold yourself lightly and look gently to see if there are valuable lessons in the fall and then you accept, choose, act again here and now again, based on the new information. And so on and so forth. But you really need to practice the processes and trust your gut and you need to be willing to be wrong about nearly everything you are holding tightly to. (Not saying you're wrong about anything, just that's the posture that is required here). Hope that helps a little..enjoy your June day--it's all yours! Best, theresa > > > > Bill, > > Thanks for your reply. Yes, it is my opinion that counts yet I’m not sure my opinion that “it’s in my best interest not to socialize much or try to make friends†is accurate or a thought my mind is using to protect me from the anxiety of social interactions. What I “really think†is that I would be more content with a couple more friends. What I “really think†is I don’t need anymore friends; I’m content enough now and it’s only my thoughts about needing more friends that make me wonder if I’m avoiding rather than freely choosing a fairly isolated life. So, as you see, two of my “really thinks†contradict each other. I wish your highlighting had shown up, but I can probably pretty much guess the red and the blue of it. > > I’ve been lurking for a long time and truly appreciate your clarity of mind, grasp of ACT, and willingness to give your valuable feedback to others. > > n > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 20, 2011 Report Share Posted June 20, 2011 Mostly I feel content the way Ilive, mostly at home, mostly alone.marian, your declaration above says it all for me.i, like you, am content with being by myself...always have been.why torture yourself with questions re that being a vital life?it is vital for you (and for me)...nuff said.if contentment is experienced, why think that this contentment needs to be questioned?i'm 9-years older than you, married for 57-years to an extrovert, and we are now living in an activity-oriented community with endless social goings-on at the clubhouse to which my wife is fanatical about taking part...a source of endless friction. she'd like to get me "fixed" so that i'd want to live the kind of "vital life" that makes her content, that scratches her eternal itch to run and do.there's nothing wrong with you, me, or bill, et al who enjoy solitude more than chitty-chat gatherings.peace,alscomi>> Is this a "vital" life"? I'm 69 years old. I've experienced social anxiety all of my life. In adulthood, I almost always had a "significant other" but very few friends. I was often depressed about this. I felt unlikable and unworthy. I continued to participate socially where I was usually very talkative and playful, enjoyed this, but did not make friends. My depression increased. Then, recently, I discovered ACT, was in mindfulness-based therapy and got on anti-depression meds. I'm no longer depressed. I no longer feel unworthy, but I still see myself as not particularly likable to most people, perhaps partly because of my sometimes weird humor, my talkativeness and other alienating social behaviors. I have only two close people who are just about the only ones I socialize with. We enjoy each other. No one in my homogeneous, close-knit community initiates contact with me. I love my everyday rituals and activities, mostly done alone. I recently have chosen rarely to go to the many social events that occur at the community where I live, having gone repeatedly in the past, having lessened my possibly alienating behaviors, and still not having succeeded in connecting with anyone. Mostly I feel content the way I live, mostly at home, mostly alone, but sometimes I wonder if I'm continuing to avoid socializing out of anxiety about rejection rather than because I don't enjoy most of the activities and find the people not very interesting or interested (in me). One of my values is to have a balance between solitude and socializing and to socialize out of "wants" rather than "shoulds." The solitude time is way more than the socializing time and I don't know if this is ME and OK or if I'm rationalizing to avoid the discomfort of essentially being ignored at social occasions unless I very actively seek out contact. Does it sound like I'm rationalizing by deciding I'm introverted to justify my staying home and alone so much rather than going out more and risking more rejection and boredom? Does it sound like I'm living a vital life? > > n> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 21, 2011 Report Share Posted June 21, 2011 When I wrote about myself and asked, “Is this a vital life,†I expected few, if any, responses and, if any, basically brush-offs, lack of interest. That’s my mind predicting the future with the same old stories. As it turned out, you ACT people came through in a way that made my heart melty. There was support, caring, suggestions, and sharing. Wow, it helped me feel visible. Soozy, you said: “every moment you choose to do anything you could say you are missing out on all the other things you could have chosen to do instead.†Being clear about our values can help us with these choices, don’t you think? as well as taking the anxiety along, and then, whatever the choice, remaining in the now, hence letting thoughts of regret pass on. Thanks for your response about choosing. So much wisdom from ACT, l and countless others. ACT is the best method I’ve found to actually implement the wisdom. Thank you, Bill, for the ACT reminders and your supportive sharing. Here’s something that might relate to you, or not: Sometimes I think it’s my job to teach others how they should be, or to educate them if I think they’re ignorant about something. If they haven’t asked for this, it’s not a good way to win friends, I’ve learned. You said: “I think you are over-thinking this big time. Why do you have to resolve this?†That is delicious food for thought. Then you added, “But if you must how about finding one new friend?†I would like to and have been wanting this for years. One of my two intimates is a fairly new friend. Isn’t that enough? Bruce, you said, “I also feel like I have a hard time connecting with people. I look around and it seems like everyone else has an easier time.†How confirming for me to experience from you, not just think, that I am not alone with this. Thank you for that. You also said: “sometimes it's the case that they want to be closer to me and I'm the one who resists.†This suggests “fear of intimacy,†for which defusion and compassionate acceptance of feelings are helpful to me. Have you been working with these? Lin, you said: “I was always better in activities then idle chit chat with groups unless the group held educational conversations,†to which I definitely relate. For you, it seems, your circumstances have changed and now you have the challenge of accepting your limitations and perhaps finding some new activities that fit your new situation—book discussion groups are enjoyable to me. Also, classes. What would work for you? Vcferrara, you said: ‘on a personal note, my life was transformed when I questioned the simple unconscious belief that I "should" be in a relationship.’ This helps reinforce for me the idea of letting go of shoulds and focusing on my values. Thanks, and I’m glad for your transformation. I wish you contentment. Tom, you said: “ For me, it's about opening up to what is it you want, to what is meaningful to you, and then making room for it through engagement, engagement with others, to the best of your ability.†This sounds like willingness and being value-driven. Good ideas for sure. The “engagement with others†part is what may continue to be, for me, done in very limited ways (except for my close people) and I might just accept this and stop the “shoulding†all over myself. Theresa, you said: “… look to your own experience right NOW, and NOW again (because this is your life)†and “You/We make ongoing choices…based on chosen values now, what seems to be working best for you in this current context you're in now.†Thanks for this. When I remember to do this, I usually realize I’m content in the moment. Sam, you said: “there's nothing wrong with you, me, or bill, et al who enjoy solitude more than chitty-chat gatherings.†Here, here. Introverts of the world unite!!! n Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 21, 2011 Report Share Posted June 21, 2011 Hi, a few things here: The gist of what i was saying about the experiment and then check in continuously was to emphasize the quote Bill put out there--you are the ONLY one who ultimately knows (in your quiet moments) what is working and what isn't in terms of your values (what is a vital life). And your question may continue to trip you up and keep you mulling it over and over in your head if you don't get more specific for yourself as to what your values are, and about what " vital life " means to you and if you don't try on some of this stuff. Also, and this is just a guess, if the responses here brought such warmth and good feelings, maybe connection is more valuable to you than you had previously held? good luck and let us know how the direction your heading is going if so inclined, terry > > > > > When I wrote about myself and asked, “Is this a vital life,†I expected few, if any, responses and, if any, basically brush-offs, lack of interest. That’s my mind predicting the future with the same old stories. As it turned out, you ACT people came through in a way that made my heart melty. There was support, caring, suggestions, and sharing. Wow, it helped me feel visible. > > Soozy, you said: “every moment you choose to do anything you could say you are missing out on all the other things you could have chosen to do instead.†Being clear about our values can help us with these choices, don’t you think? as well as taking the anxiety along, and then, whatever the choice, remaining in the now, hence letting thoughts of regret pass on. Thanks for your response about choosing. So much wisdom from ACT, l and countless others. ACT is the best method I’ve found to actually implement the wisdom. > > > Thank you, Bill, for the ACT reminders and your supportive sharing. Here’s something that might relate to you, or not: Sometimes I think it’s my job to teach others how they should be, or to educate them if I think they’re ignorant about something. If they haven’t asked for this, it’s not a good way to win friends, I’ve learned. You said: “I think you are over-thinking this big time. Why do you have to resolve this?†That is delicious food for thought. Then you added, “But if you must how about finding one new friend?†I would like to and have been wanting this for years. One of my two intimates is a fairly new friend. Isn’t that enough? > > Bruce, you said, “I also feel like I have a hard time connecting with people. I look around and it seems like everyone else has an easier time.†How confirming for me to experience from you, not just think, that I am not alone with this. Thank you for that. You also said: “sometimes it's the case that they want to be closer to me and I'm the one who resists.†This suggests “fear of intimacy,†for which defusion and compassionate acceptance of feelings are helpful to me. Have you been working with these? > > Lin, you said: “I was always better in activities then idle chit chat with groups unless the group held educational conversations,†to which I definitely relate. For you, it seems, your circumstances have changed and now you have the challenge of accepting your limitations and perhaps finding some new activities that fit your new situation†" book discussion groups are enjoyable to me. Also, classes. What would work for you? > > Vcferrara, you said: ‘on a personal note, my life was transformed when I questioned the simple unconscious belief that I " should " be in a relationship.’ This helps reinforce for me the idea of letting go of shoulds and focusing on my values. Thanks, and I’m glad for your transformation. I wish you contentment. > > Tom, you said: “ For me, it's about opening up to what is it you want, to what is meaningful to you, and then making room for it through engagement, engagement with others, to the best of your ability.†This sounds like willingness and being value-driven. Good ideas for sure. The “engagement with others†part is what may continue to be, for me, done in very limited ways (except for my close people) and I might just accept this and stop the “shoulding†all over myself. > > Theresa, you said: “… look to your own experience right NOW, and NOW again (because this is your life)†and “You/We make ongoing choices…based on chosen values now, what seems to be working best for you in this current context you're in now.†Thanks for this. When I remember to do this, I usually realize I’m content in the moment. > > Sam, you said: “there's nothing wrong with you, me, or bill, et al who enjoy solitude more than chitty-chat gatherings.†Here, here. Introverts of the world unite!!! > > n > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 21, 2011 Report Share Posted June 21, 2011 Hi n - Thanks for the compliment. I'm sorry my comment about "finding one new friend?:)" was unclear. The smiley face indicated the remark was in jest. I'm glad you have a fairly new friend. You get to decide if that's enough. After three years on this list I've decided that people who really want to learn and practice ACT need a coach who is willing to push them a bit. I'm happy to do that. I got a push when I needed one.BillTo: ACT_for_the_Public From: camarin2@...Date: Tue, 21 Jun 2011 09:51:48 -0400Subject: Re: Is this a vital life? When I wrote about myself and asked, “Is this a vital life,” I expected few, if any, responses and, if any, basically brush-offs, lack of interest. That’s my mind predicting the future with the same old stories. As it turned out, you ACT people came through in a way that made my heart melty. There was support, caring, suggestions, and sharing. Wow, it helped me feel visible. Soozy, you said: “every moment you choose to do anything you could say you are missing out on all the other things you could have chosen to do instead.” Being clear about our values can help us with these choices, don’t you think? as well as taking the anxiety along, and then, whatever the choice, remaining in the now, hence letting thoughts of regret pass on. Thanks for your response about choosing. So much wisdom from ACT, l and countless others. ACT is the best method I’ve found to actually implement the wisdom. Thank you, Bill, for the ACT reminders and your supportive sharing. Here’s something that might relate to you, or not: Sometimes I think it’s my job to teach others how they should be, or to educate them if I think they’re ignorant about something. If they haven’t asked for this, it’s not a good way to win friends, I’ve learned. You said: “I think you are over-thinking this big time. Why do you have to resolve this?” That is delicious food for thought. Then you added, “But if you must how about finding one new friend?” I would like to and have been wanting this for years. One of my two intimates is a fairly new friend. Isn’t that enough? Bruce, you said, “I also feel like I have a hard time connecting with people. I look around and it seems like everyone else has an easier time.” How confirming for me to experience from you, not just think, that I am not alone with this. Thank you for that. You also said: “sometimes it's the case that they want to be closer to me and I'm the one who resists.” This suggests “fear of intimacy,” for which defusion and compassionate acceptance of feelings are helpful to me. Have you been working with these? Lin, you said: “I was always better in activities then idle chit chat with groups unless the group held educational conversations,” to which I definitely relate. For you, it seems, your circumstances have changed and now you have the challenge of accepting your limitations and perhaps finding some new activities that fit your new situation—book discussion groups are enjoyable to me. Also, classes. What would work for you? Vcferrara, you said: ‘on a personal note, my life was transformed when I questioned the simple unconscious belief that I "should" be in a relationship.’ This helps reinforce for me the idea of letting go of shoulds and focusing on my values. Thanks, and I’m glad for your transformation. I wish you contentment. Tom, you said: “ For me, it's about opening up to what is it you want, to what is meaningful to you, and then making room for it through engagement, engagement with others, to the best of your ability.” This sounds like willingness and being value-driven. Good ideas for sure. The “engagement with others” part is what may continue to be, for me, done in very limited ways (except for my close people) and I might just accept this and stop the “shoulding” all over myself. Theresa, you said: “… look to your own experience right NOW, and NOW again (because this is your life)” and “You/We make ongoing choices…based on chosen values now, what seems to be working best for you in this current context you're in now.” Thanks for this. When I remember to do this, I usually realize I’m content in the moment. Sam, you said: “there's nothing wrong with you, me, or bill, et al who enjoy solitude more than chitty-chat gatherings.” Here, here. Introverts of the world unite!!! n Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 21, 2011 Report Share Posted June 21, 2011 Hi, I'm a 63 year-old introvert. Always have been, always will be. n's comment about us 'innies' having to recharge our batteries by being alone is interesting and, in my experience, true. I used to have one close friend until he died late last of an aids-related illness. While I enjoyed and valued his company, I often felt uneasy after a while, as if it was becoming stressful. I used to worry about this until I read a book by Marti Olsen Laney called 'The Introvert Advantage' (http://amzn.to/ke59SN). It helped me understand why I need a lot of time by myself, and how to live more happily among extroverts. The book is available in paperback and as a Kindle ebook. Cheers, Stan " We are what hydrogen atoms can do, given 14 billion years. " Carl Sagan > > > n - For what it's worth I have no close friends outside of my family. > You sound like an introvert - someone who charges their batteries by being by them self or just a few people. An extrovert is someone who charges their batteries by being with lots of people. You may be squarely in the middle between the two - that's me. Enjoy it and don't try to force yourself to be one or the other. > I think you are over-thinking this big time. Why do you have to resolve this? But if you must how about finding one new friend? > Bill > > To: ACT_for_the_Public > From: camarin2@... > Date: Mon, 20 Jun 2011 09:25:28 -0400 > Subject: Re: Is this a vital life? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Bill, > > > > > > Thanks for your reply. Yes, it is my opinion that counts yet I'm not sure my opinion that " it's in my best interest not to socialize much or try to make friends " is accurate or a thought my mind is using to protect me from the anxiety of social interactions. What I " really think " is that I would be more content with a couple more friends. What I " really think " is I don't need anymore friends; I'm content enough now and it's only my thoughts about needing more friends that make me wonder if I'm avoiding rather than freely choosing a fairly isolated life. So, as you see, two of my " really thinks " contradict each other. I wish your highlighting had shown up, but I can probably pretty much guess the red and the blue of it. > > > > > > I've been lurking for a long time and truly appreciate your clarity of mind, grasp of ACT, and willingness to give your valuable feedback to others. > > > > n > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 22, 2011 Report Share Posted June 22, 2011 Becuase of this sharing, I feel I have connected with like minded people. This is missing from my life. I dont have much family involvement so I struggle to find a community I belong to. It used to be work but as we all know this has changed so much we have to be lucky to have a job then have a job that we can feel valuable. Getting paid is valuable. I like workshops at Kripalu. I also like learning about philosophy and psycology. I havent made up my mind about religion as there is a thorn in my side. I didnt feel the religion I grew up was , was of service to the people. How about workshops about ACT? I know I need more help in clarifing my values and the actions I might take to get there. Sometimes books are just not enough. Lin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 22, 2011 Report Share Posted June 22, 2011 Thanx for the heads-up re Marti's book, Stan. I read excerpts on Amazon and was blown away by her description of her reactions to being in a Las Vegas casino with her extrovert husband. I had the exact same reaction to being in the Hard Rock here in Florida with my extrovert wife of 57-years. Marti is right in her observation that we introverts are outnumbered 3 to 1 by the dominant culture of extroverts. Power to the " innies " . peace, alscomi > > > > > > n - For what it's worth I have no close friends outside of my family. > > You sound like an introvert - someone who charges their batteries by being by them self or just a few people. An extrovert is someone who charges their batteries by being with lots of people. You may be squarely in the middle between the two - that's me. Enjoy it and don't try to force yourself to be one or the other. > > I think you are over-thinking this big time. Why do you have to resolve this? But if you must how about finding one new friend? > > Bill > > > > To: ACT_for_the_Public > > From: camarin2@ > > Date: Mon, 20 Jun 2011 09:25:28 -0400 > > Subject: Re: Is this a vital life? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Bill, > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks for your reply. Yes, it is my opinion that counts yet I'm not sure my opinion that " it's in my best interest not to socialize much or try to make friends " is accurate or a thought my mind is using to protect me from the anxiety of social interactions. What I " really think " is that I would be more content with a couple more friends. What I " really think " is I don't need anymore friends; I'm content enough now and it's only my thoughts about needing more friends that make me wonder if I'm avoiding rather than freely choosing a fairly isolated life. So, as you see, two of my " really thinks " contradict each other. I wish your highlighting had shown up, but I can probably pretty much guess the red and the blue of it. > > > > > > > > > > > > I've been lurking for a long time and truly appreciate your clarity of mind, grasp of ACT, and willingness to give your valuable feedback to others. > > > > > > > > n > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 22, 2011 Report Share Posted June 22, 2011 Looking at the book description and reviews on Amazon.com, I realize that I am definitely an introvert. I wasn't quite sure since I can be very outgoing. Now I see that one can be outgoing in public and still be an introvert. I just have to read this book; I think I would learn a lot about me! My outgoing-ness, which sometimes takes great effort, was developed by me to overcome extreme extreme shyness. So it is rather forced and not my natural inclination, one could say. I have honed it rather well, though, and it serves me well at times. Now I'm going to my room to read a book in my pajamas. Don't bother me! :)Helena To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Wednesday, June 22, 2011 12:27:16 PMSubject: Re: Is this a vital life? Thanx for the heads-up re Marti's book, Stan. I read excerpts on Amazon and was blown away by her description of her reactions to being in a Las Vegas casino with her extrovert husband. I had the exact same reaction to being in the Hard Rock here in Florida with my extrovert wife of 57-years. Marti is right in her observation that we introverts are outnumbered 3 to 1 by the dominant culture of extroverts. Power to the "innies".peace,alscomi> >> > > > n - For what it's worth I have no close friends outside of my family. > > You sound like an introvert - someone who charges their batteries by being by them self or just a few people. An extrovert is someone who charges their batteries by being with lots of people. You may be squarely in the middle between the two - that's me. Enjoy it and don't try to force yourself to be one or the other.> > I think you are over-thinking this big time. Why do you have to resolve this? But if you must how about finding one new friend?> > Bill> > > > To: ACT_for_the_Public > > From: camarin2@> > Date: Mon, 20 Jun 2011 09:25:28 -0400> > Subject: Re: Is this a vital life?> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Bill,> > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks for your reply. Yes, it is my opinion that counts yet I'm not sure my opinion that "it's in my best interest not to socialize much or try to make friends" is accurate or a thought my mind is using to protect me from the anxiety of social interactions. What I "really think" is that I would be more content with a couple more friends. What I "really think" is I don't need anymore friends; I'm content enough now and it's only my thoughts about needing more friends that make me wonder if I'm avoiding rather than freely choosing a fairly isolated life. So, as you see, two of my "really thinks" contradict each other. I wish your highlighting had shown up, but I can probably pretty much guess the red and the blue of it.> > > > > > > > > > > > I've been lurking for a long time and truly appreciate your clarity of mind, grasp of ACT, and willingness to give your valuable feedback to others.> > > > > > > > n> >> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 22, 2011 Report Share Posted June 22, 2011 According to Dorothy Rowe, a famous author and pschologist in the UK, being introvert does not necessary mean being shy or sensitve. Being introverted can be just be about prefering your inner world or just prefering to do do things alone. I like this list below of myths about introverts. I don't know where this guy below gets his data from, but it rings true to me in many ways. Although I used to be very shy and sometimes still am. Myth #1 – Introverts don't like to talk.This is not true. Introverts just don't talk unless they have something to say. They hate small talk. Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in, and they won't shut up for days.Myth #2 – Introverts are shy.Shyness has nothing to do with being an Introvert. Introverts are not necessarily afraid of people. What they need is a reason to interact. They don't interact for the sake of interacting. If you want to talk to an Introvert, just start talking. Don't worry about being polite.Myth #3 – Introverts are rude.Introverts often don't see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries. They want everyone to just be real and honest. Unfortunately, this is not acceptable in most settings, so Introverts can feel a lot of pressure to fit in, which they find exhausting.Myth #4 – Introverts don't like people.On the contrary, Introverts intensely value the few friends they have. They can count their close friends on one hand. If you are lucky enough for an introvert to consider you a friend, you probably have a loyal ally for life. Once you have earned their respect as being a person of substance, you're in.Myth #5 – Introverts don't like to go out in public.Nonsense. Introverts just don't like to go out in public FOR AS LONG. They also like to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities. They take in data and experiences very quickly, and as a result, don't need to be there for long to "get it." They're ready to go home, recharge, and process it all. In fact, recharging is absolutely crucial for Introverts.Myth #6 – Introverts always want to be alone.Introverts are perfectly comfortable with their own thoughts. They think a lot. They daydream. They like to have problems to work on, puzzles to solve. But they can also get incredibly lonely if they don't have anyone to share their discoveries with. They crave an authentic and sincere connection with ONE PERSON at a time.Myth #7 – Introverts are weird.Introverts are often individualists. They don't follow the crowd. They'd prefer to be valued for their novel ways of living. They think for themselves and because of that, they often challenge the norm. They don't make most decisions based on what is popular or trendy.Myth #8 – Introverts are aloof nerds.Introverts are people who primarily look inward, paying close attention to their thoughts and emotions. It's not that they are incapable of paying attention to what is going on around them, it's just that their inner world is much more stimulating and rewarding to them.Myth #9 – Introverts don't know how to relax and have fun.Introverts typically relax at home or in nature, not in busy public places. Introverts are not thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies. If there is too much talking and noise going on, they shut down. Their brains are too sensitive to the neurotransmitter called Dopamine. Introverts and Extroverts have different dominant neuro-pathways. Just look it up.Myth #10 – Introverts can fix themselves and become Extroverts.Introverts cannot "fix themselves" and deserve respect for their natural temperament and contributions to the human race. In fact, one study (Silverman, 1986) showed that the percentage of Introverts increases with IQKv > > > > > > > > > n - For what it's worth I have no close friends outside of my family. > > > You sound like an introvert - someone who charges their batteries by being by them self or just a few people. An extrovert is someone who charges their batteries by being with lots of people. You may be squarely in the middle between the two - that's me. Enjoy it and don't try to force yourself to be one or the other. > > > I think you are over-thinking this big time. Why do you have to resolve this? But if you must how about finding one new friend? > > > Bill > > > > > > To: ACT_for_the_Public > > > From: camarin2@ > > > Date: Mon, 20 Jun 2011 09:25:28 -0400 > > > Subject: Re: Is this a vital life? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Bill, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks for your reply. Yes, it is my opinion that counts yet I'm not sure my opinion that "it's in my best interest not to socialize much or try to make friends" is accurate or a thought my mind is using to protect me from the anxiety of social interactions. What I "really think" is that I would be more content with a couple more friends. What I "really think" is I don't need anymore friends; I'm content enough now and it's only my thoughts about needing more friends that make me wonder if I'm avoiding rather than freely choosing a fairly isolated life. So, as you see, two of my "really thinks" contradict each other. I wish your highlighting had shown up, but I can probably pretty much guess the red and the blue of it. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I've been lurking for a long time and truly appreciate your clarity of mind, grasp of ACT, and willingness to give your valuable feedback to others. > > > > > > > > > > > > n > > > > >> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 22, 2011 Report Share Posted June 22, 2011 Wow, every one of those fits me! Helena To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Wednesday, June 22, 2011 2:18:10 PMSubject: Re: Is this a vital life? According to Dorothy Rowe, a famous author and pschologist in the UK, being introvert does not necessary mean being shy or sensitve. Being introverted can be just be about prefering your inner world or just prefering to do do things alone. I like this list below of myths about introverts. I don't know where this guy below gets his data from, but it rings true to me in many ways. Although I used to be very shy and sometimes still am. Myth #1 – Introverts don't like to talk.This is not true. Introverts just don't talk unless they have something to say. They hate small talk. Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in, and they won't shut up for days.Myth #2 – Introverts are shy.Shyness has nothing to do with being an Introvert. Introverts are not necessarily afraid of people. What they need is a reason to interact. They don't interact for the sake of interacting. If you want to talk to an Introvert, just start talking. Don't worry about being polite.Myth #3 – Introverts are rude.Introverts often don't see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries. They want everyone to just be real and honest. Unfortunately, this is not acceptable in most settings, so Introverts can feel a lot of pressure to fit in, which they find exhausting.Myth #4 – Introverts don't like people.On the contrary, Introverts intensely value the few friends they have. They can count their close friends on one hand. If you are lucky enough for an introvert to consider you a friend, you probably have a loyal ally for life. Once you have earned their respect as being a person of substance, you're in.Myth #5 – Introverts don't like to go out in public.Nonsense. Introverts just don't like to go out in public FOR AS LONG. They also like to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities. They take in data and experiences very quickly, and as a result, don't need to be there for long to "get it." They're ready to go home, recharge, and process it all. In fact, recharging is absolutely crucial for Introverts.Myth #6 – Introverts always want to be alone.Introverts are perfectly comfortable with their own thoughts. They think a lot. They daydream. They like to have problems to work on, puzzles to solve. But they can also get incredibly lonely if they don't have anyone to share their discoveries with. They crave an authentic and sincere connection with ONE PERSON at a time.Myth #7 – Introverts are weird.Introverts are often individualists. They don't follow the crowd. They'd prefer to be valued for their novel ways of living. They think for themselves and because of that, they often challenge the norm. They don't make most decisions based on what is popular or trendy.Myth #8 – Introverts are aloof nerds.Introverts are people who primarily look inward, paying close attention to their thoughts and emotions. It's not that they are incapable of paying attention to what is going on around them, it's just that their inner world is much more stimulating and rewarding to them.Myth #9 – Introverts don't know how to relax and have fun.Introverts typically relax at home or in nature, not in busy public places. Introverts are not thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies. If there is too much talking and noise going on, they shut down. Their brains are too sensitive to the neurotransmitter called Dopamine. Introverts and Extroverts have different dominant neuro-pathways. Just look it up.Myth #10 – Introverts can fix themselves and become Extroverts.Introverts cannot "fix themselves" and deserve respect for their natural temperament and contributions to the human race. In fact, one study (Silverman, 1986) showed that the percentage of Introverts increases with IQKv > > > > > > > > > n - For what it's worth I have no close friends outside of my family. > > > You sound like an introvert - someone who charges their batteries by being by them self or just a few people. An extrovert is someone who charges their batteries by being with lots of people. You may be squarely in the middle between the two - that's me. Enjoy it and don't try to force yourself to be one or the other. > > > I think you are over-thinking this big time. Why do you have to resolve this? But if you must how about finding one new friend? > > > Bill > > > > > > To: ACT_for_the_Public > > > From: camarin2@ > > > Date: Mon, 20 Jun 2011 09:25:28 -0400 > > > Subject: Re: Is this a vital life? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Bill, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks for your reply. Yes, it is my opinion that counts yet I'm not sure my opinion that "it's in my best interest not to socialize much or try to make friends" is accurate or a thought my mind is using to protect me from the anxiety of social interactions. What I "really think" is that I would be more content with a couple more friends. What I "really think" is I don't need anymore friends; I'm content enough now and it's only my thoughts about needing more friends that make me wonder if I'm avoiding rather than freely choosing a fairly isolated life. So, as you see, two of my "really thinks" contradict each other. I wish your highlighting had shown up, but I can probably pretty much guess the red and the blue of it. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I've been lurking for a long time and truly appreciate your clarity of mind, grasp of ACT, and willingness to give your valuable feedback to others. > > > > > > > > > > > > n > > > > >> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 22, 2011 Report Share Posted June 22, 2011 I have been working on these. Mostly, it's around accepting that I have several good friends and many acquaintances, that it's my mind telling me that other people have more than me. I guess I want so badly to be accepted by others and I think of myself as kind of a conversation-killer. But mostly, I've been working on acceptance in general. And self-acceptance in particular. I'm suffering from the feeling of constant dread or tension. It's tough to accept but I'm trying.BruceBruce, you said, “I also feel like I have a hard time connecting with people. I look around and it seems like everyone else has an easier time.” How confirming for me to experience from you, not just think, that I am not alone with this. Thank you for that. You also said: “sometimes it's the case that they want to be closer to me and I'm the one who resists.” This suggests “fear of intimacy,” for which defusion and compassionate acceptance of feelings are helpful to me. Have you been working with these? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 AMEN!! ALSCOMI > > > > > > > > > > > > n - For what it's worth I have no close friends outside of my family. > > > > You sound like an introvert - someone who charges their batteries by being by them self or just a few people. An extrovert is someone who charges their batteries by being with lots of people. You may be squarely in the middle between the two - that's me. Enjoy it and don't try to force yourself to be one or the other. > > > > I think you are over-thinking this big time. Why do you have to resolve this? But if you must how about finding one new friend? > > > > Bill > > > > > > > > To: ACT_for_the_Public > > > > From: camarin2@ > > > > Date: Mon, 20 Jun 2011 09:25:28 -0400 > > > > Subject: Re: Is this a vital life? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Bill, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks for your reply. Yes, it is my opinion that counts yet I'm not sure my opinion that " it's in my best interest not to socialize much or try to make friends " is accurate or a thought my mind is using to protect me from the anxiety of social interactions. What I " really think " is that I would be more content with a couple more friends. What I " really think " is I don't need anymore friends; I'm content enough now and it's only my thoughts about needing more friends that make me wonder if I'm avoiding rather than freely choosing a fairly isolated life. So, as you see, two of my " really thinks " contradict each other. I wish your highlighting had shown up, but I can probably pretty much guess the red and the blue of it. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I've been lurking for a long time and truly appreciate your clarity of mind, grasp of ACT, and willingness to give your valuable feedback to others. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > n > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 25, 2011 Report Share Posted June 25, 2011 I know this was written a few days ago and the conversation has moved on somewhat since then, but something about this just stuck with me and left me pondering. It's the definition of " needs " as something that you " literally can't do without " . This seems very limited to me, and also somewhat puritan (!) in nature. As human beings we all have needs that don't fit this description, the need for contact, human touch, affirmation, validation, security, mental stimulation etc etc the list could go on and on. Strictly speaking, we may not " need " those things to survive in a physical sense, but they are still needs nonetheless. I think it pays to be wary of feeling that is necessary to be " weeding out thoughts that say you 'need' something " , it sounds self admonishing, that is where the " puritan " tone comes in for me. There seems to be a danger there of moving into denial where a person says things to themselves like " I don't have many friends - oh well, I don't really need them so that shouldn't bother me " but in doing that denying the sadness or disappointment that might exist around that issue, and the recognition that this is something we might need to address in some way. I think if you look at young children and all the things that are considered vital for their healthy emotional and psychological development, that is a good guide to what we all need as adults. Kate weed out the thoughts that say you " need " something " needs " are basic necessities, therefore " need " implies that you literally can't do without it, which you know, just isn't true, as you are alive, breathing, and fully functional given your story in doing this, 'either or' is great, as ultimately you just don't have that much control over others...but it undercuts barriers and opens you to experiencing more on a personal note, my life was transformed when I questioned the simple unconscious belief that I " should " be in a relationship.. > > > > > > > > Bill, > > > > Thanks for your reply. Yes, it is my opinion that counts yet I’m not sure my opinion that “it’s in my best interest not to socialize much or try to make friends†is accurate or a thought my mind is using to protect me from the anxiety of social interactions. What I “really think†is that I would be more content with a couple more friends. What I “really think†is I don’t need anymore friends; I’m content enough now and it’s only my thoughts about needing more friends that make me wonder if I’m avoiding rather than freely choosing a fairly isolated life. So, as you see, two of my “really thinks†contradict each other. I wish your highlighting had shown up, but I can probably pretty much guess the red and the blue of it. > > > > I’ve been lurking for a long time and truly appreciate your clarity of mind, grasp of ACT, and willingness to give your valuable feedback to others. > > > > n > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 28, 2011 Report Share Posted June 28, 2011 Good point, Kate. If "mere" survival is the goal, then our needs would be few. If physical health and mental wellbeing are the goals, then our needs expand greatly. It comes down to what we need to survive vs. what we need to thrive. I want to thrive, not just survive. Still, it is good to examine what we call needs to see if they would be more properly labeled as desires. Helena To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Saturday, June 25, 2011 9:17:58 PMSubject: Re: Is this a vital life? I know this was written a few days ago and the conversation has moved on somewhat since then, but something about this just stuck with me and left me pondering. It's the definition of "needs" as something that you "literally can't do without". This seems very limited to me, and also somewhat puritan (!) in nature. As human beings we all have needs that don't fit this description, the need for contact, human touch, affirmation, validation, security, mental stimulation etc etc the list could go on and on. Strictly speaking, we may not "need" those things to survive in a physical sense, but they are still needs nonetheless. I think it pays to be wary of feeling that is necessary to be "weeding out thoughts that say you 'need' something", it sounds self admonishing, that is where the "puritan" tone comes in for me. There seems to be a danger there of moving into denial where a person says things to themselves like "I don't have many friends - oh well, I don't really need them so that shouldn't bother me" but in doing that denying the sadness or disappointment that might exist around that issue, and the recognition that this is something we might need to address in some way.I think if you look at young children and all the things that are considered vital for their healthy emotional and psychological development, that is a good guide to what we all need as adults. Kateweed out the thoughts that say you "need" something "needs" are basic necessities, therefore "need" implies that you literally can't do without it, which you know, just isn't true, as you are alive, breathing, and fully functional given your storyin doing this, 'either or' is great, as ultimately you just don't have that much control over others...but it undercuts barriers and opens you to experiencing moreon a personal note, my life was transformed when I questioned the simple unconscious belief that I "should" be in a relationship..> >> > > > > > Bill,> > > > Thanks for your reply. Yes, it is my opinion that counts yet I’m not sure my opinion that “it’s in my best interest not to socialize much or try to make friends� is accurate or a thought my mind is using to protect me from the anxiety of social interactions. What I “really think� is that I would be more content with a couple more friends. What I “really think� is I don’t need anymore friends; I’m content enough now and it’s only my thoughts about needing more friends that make me wonder if I’m avoiding rather than freely choosing a fairly isolated life. So, as you see, two of my “really thinks� contradict each other. I wish your highlighting had shown up, but I can probably pretty much guess the red and the blue of it.> > > > I’ve been lurking for a long time and truly appreciate your clarity of mind, grasp of ACT, and willingness to give your valuable feedback to others.> > > > n> >> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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