Re: How would ACT help me with this?

[Guest guest]

 

Helena said

How ACT can help is in the

area of acceptance.  If you truly can't do anything to bring

more frequent face-to-face relationships into your life, the

only thing left is accepting your life as it is with all its

limitations.

Thanks for the reply Helena ........ then what can I do for this?

Does anybody else have any suggestions?

iolanda

--

Smile – it increases your face value!!! ;-)

[Guest guest]

Hello again,

I was taking your words "outside of my control" at face value, but perhaps I misunderstood. Since you are asking for more suggestions, you may not believe that this situation is outside of your control--just that your circumstances (illness, etc.) are outside of your control; it is what it is and you have accepted that. It seems that you still have hope that you can change the social situation--and thus have some control over--the lack of physical contact from others in your life. Is that correct? Sorry if I misinterpreted your words before.

I did offer some suggestions about having people to your home. What did you think of those?

Helena Re: How would ACT help me with this?

Helena said

How ACT can help is in the area of acceptance. If you truly can't do anything to bring more frequent face-to-face relationships into your life, the only thing left is accepting your life as it is with all its limitations.Thanks for the reply Helena ........ then what can I do for this?Does anybody else have any suggestions?iolanda-- Smile – it increases your face value!!! ;-)

[Guest guest]

Iolanda - ACT helps us make the most out of our life no matter what life presents us. Each of us has a set of circumstances that we cannot change. Each of us has a choice of what to do about those unchangeable things - accept them; defuse from the thoughts about them; stay in contact with the present, right here and right now; and move ahead with whatever faculties we have available to us in each moment. I refer you to The Happiness Trap, p.53 where discusses how ACT can work when our thoughts are both true and serious. In your specific case, as you have explained it to us, you must find things in your life that you value and that you can pursue. Then you must make a plan for doing what you can, including taking along the stuff you can't change. We all try to find cracks in the wall between these things - can change and can't change. That's part of the struggle. We try to negotiate our way out of the state we find ourselves in. That's part of the struggle and the struggle brings suffering to an already painful life. Several posts to you have suggested things that might work for you. These are only examples. You must decide for yourself what might work. I suspect there are things that you clearly can do and things you clearly cannot do. Then there are some things that fall in the gray area between the two. Look there for the gems. I hope this helps. Bill

To: ACT_for_the_Public From: cyberfriend@...Date: Thu, 27 Jan 2011 22:02:12 +1100Subject: Re: How would ACT help me with this?

Helena said

How ACT can help is in the area of acceptance. If you truly can't do anything to bring more frequent face-to-face relationships into your life, the only thing left is accepting your life as it is with all its limitations.Thanks for the reply Helena ........ then what can I do for this?Does anybody else have any suggestions?iolanda-- Smile – it increases your face value!!! ;-)

[Guest guest]

I don't know if this would fit your circumstances, but one way to increase your social interactions could be to seek out community groups -- they could be general-purpose, just fraternizing for the fun of it, or specific-purpose groups, such as book or movie clubs, where you read books and/or watch movies and then get together to discuss them. Held lightly, these sorts of gatherings can be enormous fun. Just some thoughts for your consideration.Regards,Detlef>> > Helena said> > > How ACT can help is in the area of acceptance. If you truly can't do anything to bring > > more frequent face-to-face relationships into your life, the only thing left is > > accepting your life as it is with all its limitations.> > Thanks for the reply Helena ........ then what can I do for this?> > Does anybody else have any suggestions?> > iolanda> -- > > Smile â€" it increases your face value!!! ;-)>

[Guest guest]

Helena said

I was taking your words "outside of my control" at face

value, but perhaps I misunderstood.

No - you understood correctly - the lack of physical contact is out

of my control.

Helena also said in another email

How ACT can help is in the

area of acceptance.  If you truly can't do anything to bring

more frequent face-to-face relationships into your life, the

only thing left is accepting your life as it is with all its

limitations. A tragic deal of the cards, to be sure.  Accepting

it doesn't mean you have to like it or stop trying improve your

life, in spite of the limitations--that's courage.  It means

making room for the fact that this is the way it is.  Keep

pursuing every opportunity, as you are, and then keep moving

toward your values by setting goals for the things you CAN

attain--and it sounds like you are doing that.

I've accepted the fact that I'll be lonely and with little sense of

friendship etc.  No problems with that at all.  But it still makes

me sad and I want advice on what to say to myself when I feel

sadness.  The only thing I do now is distraction.  Using a "word"

for the defusion technique didn't stop me thinking of it when I

tried it because it was something I was feeling physically - the

sadness wasn't just a thought but a physical sensation as well.  I

know that ACT says just accept the feelings - don't fight them etc. 

I don't fight them at all ..... I do feel them.  But I was hoping

there was a way of reducing the sadness somehow.

And then maybe I can also use that technique for my chronic health

problems. 

Bill said

Then you must make a plan for doing what you

can, including taking along the stuff you can't change. We all try

to find cracks in the wall between these things - can change and

can't change.

That's what I do now ....... I physically do what I can ....... but

how do I deal with the "stuff you can't change".  You didn't mention

how you can approach it.  You DID mention p.53 of the Happiness

Trap, but my version must be different to yours because p.53 is  50%

of a page right at the end of chapter 4 on storytelling.

So if you just have to live with something that's out of your

control,  how can you accept it better?  especially something as

emotional as loneliness.

iolanda

-- Smile – it increases your face value!!! ;-)

[Guest guest]

'So if you just have to live with something that's out of your control, how can you accept it better? especially something as emotional as loneliness'

I would learn to be a good friend to myself - spending time with myself, getting to know myself, being kind to myself, taking myself out to nice places, eating well, exercising - finished off with a dollop of Loving Kindness Meditation!

The answer lies with you anyway. Start by being a really good friend to yourself. Then loneliness won't be an issue.

Subject: Re: How would ACT help me with this?To: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Friday, 28 January, 2011, 12:10

Helena said

I was taking your words "outside of my control" at face value, but perhaps I misunderstood.No - you understood correctly - the lack of physical contact is out of my control.Helena also said in another email

How ACT can help is in the area of acceptance. If you truly can't do anything to bring more frequent face-to-face relationships into your life, the only thing left is accepting your life as it is with all its limitations. A tragic deal of the cards, to be sure. Accepting it doesn't mean you have to like it or stop trying improve your life, in spite of the limitations--that's courage. It means making room for the fact that this is the way it is. Keep pursuing every opportunity, as you are, and then keep moving toward your values by setting goals for the things you CAN attain--and it sounds like you are doing that.I've accepted the fact that I'll be lonely and with little sense of friendship etc. No problems with that at all. But it still makes me sad and I want advice on what to say to myself when I feel sadness. The only thing I do

now is distraction. Using a "word" for the defusion technique didn't stop me thinking of it when I tried it because it was something I was feeling physically - the sadness wasn't just a thought but a physical sensation as well. I know that ACT says just accept the feelings - don't fight them etc. I don't fight them at all ..... I do feel them. But I was hoping there was a way of reducing the sadness somehow.And then maybe I can also use that technique for my chronic health problems. Bill said

Then you must make a plan for doing what you can, including taking along the stuff you can't change. We all try to find cracks in the wall between these things - can change and can't change. That's what I do now ....... I physically do what I can ....... but how do I deal with the "stuff you can't change". You didn't mention how you can approach it. You DID mention p.53 of the Happiness Trap, but my version must be different to yours because p.53 is 50% of a page right at the end of chapter 4 on storytelling.So if you just have to live with something that's out of your control, how can you accept it better? especially something as emotional as loneliness.iolanda-- Smile – it increases your face value!!! ;-)

[Guest guest]

The section I referred to in The Happiness Trap is in chapter 5, True Blues. The specific section is towards the end and starts with "But what if the thought is both true and serious?"

Acceptance is simply living a valued life as best you can given what life has presented. It is the absence of struggling with those things.

I know you are frustrated with how little we are helping. We are as well. Your posts are full of struggling. At some point you may become so tired of the struggle you will simply let go of what you are struggling with. Then you will have found acceptance. As I write this it sounds very convoluted. I was when you are and finally got it. So will you if you stop looking for it and get on with something else.

Bill

To: ACT_for_the_Public From: cyberfriend@...Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2011 23:10:18 +1100Subject: Re: How would ACT help me with this?

Helena said

I was taking your words "outside of my control" at face value, but perhaps I misunderstood.No - you understood correctly - the lack of physical contact is out of my control.Helena also said in another email

How ACT can help is in the area of acceptance. If you truly can't do anything to bring more frequent face-to-face relationships into your life, the only thing left is accepting your life as it is with all its limitations. A tragic deal of the cards, to be sure. Accepting it doesn't mean you have to like it or stop trying improve your life, in spite of the limitations--that's courage. It means making room for the fact that this is the way it is. Keep pursuing every opportunity, as you are, and then keep moving toward your values by setting goals for the things you CAN attain--and it sounds like you are doing that.I've accepted the fact that I'll be lonely and with little sense of friendship etc. No problems with that at all. But it still makes me sad and I want advice on what to say to myself when I feel sadness. The only thing I do now is distraction. Using a "word" for the defusion technique didn't stop me thinking of it when I tried it because it was something I was feeling physically - the sadness wasn't just a thought but a physical sensation as well. I know that ACT says just accept the feelings - don't fight them etc. I don't fight them at all ..... I do feel them. But I was hoping there was a way of reducing the sadness somehow.And then maybe I can also use that technique for my chronic health problems. Bill said

Then you must make a plan for doing what you can, including taking along the stuff you can't change. We all try to find cracks in the wall between these things - can change and can't change. That's what I do now ....... I physically do what I can ....... but how do I deal with the "stuff you can't change". You didn't mention how you can approach it. You DID mention p.53 of the Happiness Trap, but my version must be different to yours because p.53 is 50% of a page right at the end of chapter 4 on storytelling.So if you just have to live with something that's out of your control, how can you accept it better? especially something as emotional as loneliness.iolanda-- Smile – it increases your face value!!! ;-)