Re: New to the group/suffering

[Guest guest]

Cassie and …Is there a group out there just for wives of AS husbands? I have been reading for about a month or two and I have to say that this particular forum is not helping me out much.. Jill From: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of Cassie SchmidtSent: Sunday, July 03, 2011 8:26 PMTo: aspires-relationships Subject: New to the group/suffering Hello everyone. I am new to the group. I have joined at a very troublesome time in my AS husband and my relationship. He told me just a couple of days ago he doesn't think he loves me anymore. He told me he doesn't know what he wants. He tells me he wants to be the person he was before we met. He has changed a lot since that time. It hasn't been roses but he seemed happy after he quit working in a particular occupation that was all wrong for him. He also seemed happy as he did manual labor and begin his new career as a CNA. It has just been with in the 3-4 months that things haven't felt right. I have been studying AS off and on since we got married 5 years ago. I have read that people with AS " change " who they are or " act " like the people in certain groups to fit in. I'm not explaining myself right but if you understand what I am saying please help me clarify. I feel he is doing this to fit in with a different group. He recently began hanging out with various social circles that have completely different values than what we have, or at least what I thought we had. I just need help understanding why after 5 years and 2 kids he is giving it up. I have tried to understand him but it is sooo hard. Would counseling with someone who understands AS help us as couple or even just him as a person? The most frustrating thing is he just can't decide. What has other NT/AS couples done when the AS partner has grown bored of the relationship? I am afraid my children will suffer if he stays and we don't understand the AS part of him and they will suffer also if he leaves. I am desperate for some advice. Cassie Schmidt

[Guest guest]

Jill,I am not sure if there is. I found a blog of a wife to an aspie. It has some good articles. You can read it if you so choose. Maybe we should just start a forum together. It may not matter much because things are getting worse and we may not be together much longer. He is fixated on doing whatever he wants regardless of who it hurts. http://aspiewifeandmom.blogspot.com/search/label/Signs%20and%20SymptomsCassieFrom: Jill Wesnor To: aspires-relationships Sent: Mon, July 4, 2011 8:01:48 AMSubject: RE: New to the group/suffering

Cassie and …Is there a group out there just for wives of AS husbands? I have been reading for about a month or two and I have to say that this particular forum is not helping me out much.. Jill From: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ]

On Behalf Of Cassie SchmidtSent: Sunday, July 03, 2011 8:26 PMTo: aspires-relationships Subject: New to the group/suffering Hello everyone. I am new to the group. I have joined at a very troublesome time in my AS husband and my relationship. He told me just a couple of days ago he doesn't think he loves me anymore. He told me he doesn't know what he wants. He tells me he wants to be the person he was before we met. He has changed a lot since that time. It hasn't been roses but he seemed happy after he quit working in a particular occupation that was all wrong for him. He also seemed happy as he did manual labor and begin his new career as a CNA. It has just

been with in the 3-4 months that things haven't felt right. I have been studying AS off and on since we got married 5 years ago. I have read that people with AS "change" who they are or "act" like the people in certain groups to fit in. I'm not explaining myself right but if you understand what I am saying please help me clarify. I feel he is doing this to fit in with a different group. He recently began hanging out with various social circles that have completely different values than what we have, or at least what I thought we had. I just need help understanding why after 5 years and 2 kids he is giving it up. I have tried to understand him but it is sooo hard. Would counseling with someone who understands AS help us as couple or even just him as a person? The most frustrating thing is he just can't decide. What has other NT/AS couples done when the AS partner has grown bored of the

relationship? I am afraid my children will suffer if he stays and we don't understand the AS part of him and they will suffer also if he leaves. I am desperate for some advice. Cassie Schmidt

[Guest guest]

Yes, join the AANE. They have a listserve for spouses of people with aspergers.

Jill,I am not sure if there is. I found a blog of a wife to an aspie. It has some good articles. You can read it if you so choose. Maybe we should just start a forum together. It may not matter much because things are getting worse and we may not be together much longer. He is fixated on doing whatever he wants regardless of who it hurts. http://aspiewifeandmom.blogspot.com/search/label/Signs%20and%20SymptomsCassieFrom: Jill Wesnor To: aspires-relationships Sent: Mon, July 4, 2011 8:01:48 AMSubject: RE: New to the group/suffering

Cassie and …Is there a group out there just for wives of AS husbands? I have been reading for about a month or two and I have to say that this particular forum is not helping me out much.. Jill From: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ]

On Behalf Of Cassie SchmidtSent: Sunday, July 03, 2011 8:26 PMTo: aspires-relationships Subject: New to the group/suffering Hello everyone. I am new to the group. I have joined at a very troublesome time in my AS husband and my relationship. He told me just a couple of days ago he doesn't think he loves me anymore. He told me he doesn't know what he wants. He tells me he wants to be the person he was before we met. He has changed a lot since that time. It hasn't been roses but he seemed happy after he quit working in a particular occupation that was all wrong for him. He also seemed happy as he did manual labor and begin his new career as a CNA. It has just

been with in the 3-4 months that things haven't felt right. I have been studying AS off and on since we got married 5 years ago. I have read that people with AS "change" who they are or "act" like the people in certain groups to fit in. I'm not explaining myself right but if you understand what I am saying please help me clarify. I feel he is doing this to fit in with a different group. He recently began hanging out with various social circles that have completely different values than what we have, or at least what I thought we had. I just need help understanding why after 5 years and 2 kids he is giving it up. I have tried to understand him but it is sooo hard. Would counseling with someone who understands AS help us as couple or even just him as a person? The most frustrating thing is he just can't decide. What has other NT/AS couples done when the AS partner has grown bored of the

relationship? I am afraid my children will suffer if he stays and we don't understand the AS part of him and they will suffer also if he leaves. I am desperate for some advice. Cassie Schmidt

[Guest guest]

Hi Jill,

Sorry you don't feel you're getting the help you need from this group.

As a group, we do try to offer help and advice to anyone involved in an

AS relationship, and that most definitely includes wives of AS husbands.

I see you posted a short intro back in May, and on the basis of that

some people suggested what they thought would be relevant reading

material. Was that any use?

The discussions here basically follow what individual members ask, so

the more you ask and the more you describe your own situation, the more

relevant the replies will come back to you. We're all private

individuals here, simply trying to help each other. None of us are

professionals, but there is a lot of expertise and experience amongst

the members, and it's likely that someone here will be able to relate

to your situation once you describe it in detail.

So may I suggest you give us a shot by describing your situation and the

problems you're facing in a little more detail than you did in May, so

as to give members here who can relate to that, a chance to pipe up,

compare notes, sympathise, and hopefully offer you some advice.

You don't need me to tell you that AS relationships aren't easy and that

there probably won't be any simple magic answers forthcoming, but we're

here to provide discussion and support for the likes of yourself. So

give us a go by posting let's say somewhere around 40 lines of

background and situation about yourself on here, and we'll see what we

can do.

Anyway, hope this helps.

--- RE: New to the group/suffering

Cassie and …

Is there a group out there just for wives of AS husbands? I have been

reading for about a month or two and I have to say that this particular

forum is not helping me out much..

Jill

[Guest guest]

Jill,

There is the problem with spousal support groups, I found out they

usually turn into a crab-fest unless there is a really good moderator.

I think the question boils down to....

My spouse is an Aspie (or is bipolar/alcoholic/has anger issues/drug

addict insert crap-tastic behavior here) and is acting like a total

lunatic ass. How can I change him/her? What can I do?

Everyone wants the magic that THEY can do to change the SPOUSE'S

behavior. Some magic that will change the other person.

You know what that is? NOTHING.

There is nothing you can do that will make someone change. All you can

do is change how you react to the situation. One of the basic

foundations of Al-anon. You aren't responsible for his behavior.

You should not enable his behavior. It is never acceptable to abuse

another person. An Aspie knows right from wrong. In no universe is it

okay to pound on a spouse.

You figure out what you can put up with. Then you draw the line in the

sand, and mean it. Calling the cops, moving out, pressing charges when

he/she gets physical, saying if you don't get therapy I'm leaving.

How much crazy can you tolerate?

I'll admit it. I enabled Jay (my husband) to the nth degree, mostly

because of his raging migraines. When he finally got off his ass and

got treatment for that, none of his Aspie behavior changed (to my

horror).

All the crummy behavior I blamed on the migraines, was really just his

lousy life coping skills. I should have called it on him YEARS ago.

Now, I'm changing what I will tolerate and he's pissed.

Sort of like a spoiled 5 year old.

My sand lines are 1) he works his therapy-no therapy-I'm out. It's

hard unraveling 50 years of no coping skills, so I'm still here, even

though I think he's dogging it.

2) he acts like a father to DD. He does this in spades. 3)he acts like

he gives a care about me-which he does.

He stops one of those, I'm out. It means I also have to get my ducks a

row. That is a terrible way to live, who wants to think like that?

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different

results. I think Aspie marriages can work with a good give and take on

both parties parts.

The Aspie can't just have free pass to act however he/she wants, and

the NT spouse must realize there has to be some concessions on

expectations. Like

your Aspie spouse will never be the life of the party, will never be

that Care Bear person who sees all the understated emotions, and you

never need to point

blank tell he/her something.

I found going to an Al-anon group was good for the spine transplant I

needed for working on my marriage. I let things go because it was

easier, and Jay ran amok.

I have read a few Aspie blogs where the feeling was, I'm made this

way, I can't change. Well, people correct special needs children all

the time, and some have IQs that

don't crack 80. No one lets them have free rein to act how ever they

want, and those children probably have no clue why they are being

corrected. It takes a lot of

work to get the idea through anti social behavior =not good. If most

Aspies have an average to above average IQ, then

punching/hitting/scream/threatening should

not be beyond their realm of comprehension.

Of course, I'd love to behave badly when people I perceive as ding

bats and half wits piss me off. During a good roaring mania, it takes

all my guts not to do that.

Medications take that edge off, but in the end unless you are

psychotic, the hammer will drop and you must take the consequences.

I've never been that psychotic

to not realize punching=not good. Now, I may not give a toot about

what will happen afterwards when I threw that punch at the IP nurse

(cringe), but I knew it

was wrong and didn't care at the time.

My 2 cents, a lot of the really antisocial behavior gets " blamed " on

Aspergers, when I think it is another undiagnosed psychiatric issue or

hidden substance abuse.

Nanci

Wife to Jay (AS)

>

>

>

> Cassie and …

>

> Is there a group out there just for wives of AS husbands? I have been reading

for about a month or two and I have to say that this particular forum is not

helping me out much..

>

>

>

> Jill

>

>

>

>

>

> From: aspires-relationships

[mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of Cassie Schmidt

> Sent: Sunday, July 03, 2011 8:26 PM

> To: aspires-relationships

> Subject: New to the group/suffering

>

>

>

>

> Hello everyone.  I am new to the group.  I have joined at a very troublesome

time in my AS husband and my relationship.  He told me just a couple of days ago

he doesn't think he loves me anymore.  He told me he doesn't know what he wants.

 He tells me he wants to be the person he was before we met.  He has changed a

lot since that time.   It hasn't been roses but he seemed happy after he quit

working in a particular occupation that was all wrong for him.  He also seemed

happy as he did manual labor and begin his new career as a CNA.  It has just

been with in the 3-4 months that things haven't felt right.  I have been

studying AS off and on since we got married 5 years ago.  I have read that

people with AS " change " who they are or " act " like the people in certain groups

to fit in.  I'm not explaining myself right but if you understand what I am

saying please help me clarify.  I feel he is doing this to fit in with a

different group.  He recently began hanging out with various social circles that

have completely different values than what we have, or at least what I thought

we had.  I just need help understanding why after 5 years and 2 kids he is

giving it up.  I have tried to understand him but it is sooo hard.  Would

counseling with someone who understands AS help us as couple or even just him as

a person?  The most frustrating thing is he just can't decide.  What has other

NT/AS couples done when the AS partner has grown bored of the relationship?  I

am afraid my children will suffer if he stays and we don't understand the AS

part of him and they will suffer also if he leaves.  I am desperate for some

advice.

>

> Cassie Schmidt

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Cassie,

I read you post last night but was unable to respond. NT wives on this list may

be able to provide some advice for you and I hope the links I just posted are of

some help.

My first reaction when, I read your post, was, " Wow, did he ever pick a lousy

time to have an identity crisis! "

Having grown up with AS/NT parents in a destructive marriage, I can appreciate

the unique challenges and the unique sense of isolation that one must feel. If

you are marrying into a different culture, at least you are aware of the

differences and you can educate yourself on them. But with a neurological

difference, it is often hidden, you don't have others to talk about the problems

and solutions, others may not notice anything " wrong " .. some may say, " oh,

he/she is such a nice person " and you may wonder if you are slowly going crazy.

I have to say though that your spouse's attitude goes beyond merely AS. To

" decide " five years and two children later that he " wants to be the person he

was " and doesn't know if he loves you any more, well, I'd say he's very immature

and very selfish!

As a person with AS (albeit female) I would say it's probably *harder* for us to

change than it is for an NT. In fact that one of the hallmarks of our

difficulties is not being able to adapt as readily as our NT counterparts, to

changing social situations. It has been theorized (with some clinical proof)

that we may lack the " mirror neurons " that NT people have. But, generally

speaking I'd think it's pretty hard for anyone, AS or NT, to change the basic

person they are! Change behaviors, yes, but our personalities seem to be pretty

set by the time we enter primary school.

Some people (AS or NT) do tend to put their " best foot forward " before marriage

and then go back to their old ways once the deal is sealed as it were.

Meyer, in one of his articles at Newland's ASPIRES website, also spoke

about how an AS man might try to improve during courtship, but once he's

" captured a woman " then goes back to his old ways. However, here he was talking

about a person who may put forth the effort to be more energetic and social, and

then retreats to his special interests and much less social behavior after

marriage.

For someone, AS or NT, to morph into another person altogether over a five year

period speaks to the possibility of other issues, not the least of which would

be incredible insecurity, an unstable personality and possibly a mood disorder,

of not mild sociopathic traits.

Perhaps other NT spouses have had this experience as well, and there may be

enough proof to support the notion that some AS spouses do " change " in the

manner you describe. I would tend to think though that it is secondary to the

condition, and not part of it. But either way, it's horrible for you - and your

children.

Counselling may help, but if your spouse has that attitude now, it does not bode

well. My immediate thought is that you had better go see a lawyer now, because

if he is articulating those feelings now, he has probably been thinking about it

for awhile.

I don't know if it's in your financial ability to do so, but seeing a counsellor

for yourself may help you feel more confident about the decisions you will need

to make for you and your children.

cyber hugs to you,

Helen

56, self dx'd AS, dx'd ADD

>

> Hello everyone. I am new to the group. I have joined at a very troublesome

> time in my AS husband and my relationship. He told me just a couple of days

ago

> he doesn't think he loves me anymore. He told me he doesn't know what he

wants.

> He tells me he wants to be the person he was before we met. He has changed a

> lot since that time. It hasn't been roses but he seemed happy after he quit

> working in a particular occupation that was all wrong for him. He also seemed

> happy as he did manual labor and begin his new career as a CNA. It has just

> been with in the 3-4 months that things haven't felt right. I have been

> studying AS off and on since we got married 5 years ago. I have read that

> people with AS " change " who they are or " act " like the people in certain

groups

> to fit in. I'm not explaining myself right but if you understand what I am

> saying please help me clarify. I feel he is doing this to fit in with a

> different group. He recently began hanging out with various social circles

that

> have completely different values than what we have, or at least what I thought

> we had. I just need help understanding why after 5 years and 2 kids he is

> giving it up. I have tried to understand him but it is sooo hard. Would

> counseling with someone who understands AS help us as couple or even just him

as

> a person? The most frustrating thing is he just can't decide. What has other

> NT/AS couples done when the AS partner has grown bored of the relationship? I

> am afraid my children will suffer if he stays and we don't understand the AS

> part of him and they will suffer also if he leaves. I am desperate for some

> advice.

> Cassie Schmidt

>