can anyone give some advice for my wife

[Guest guest]

Since I've been coming to this board ( about a month now ) I have tried to

get my wife to read the letters, the advice etc. with me, I have yet to succeed,

I know she resents my belonging to this board, she has told me that she now

feels like I no longer need her, I've tried to make her understand that for

over ten years I've been desperate for someone to talk to that actually knows

what its like to constantly deal with chronic pain.Ive tried to lean on my wife

about 3-4 times in the last month, those attempts didn't fair out well at all.

2 days before I joined this board I put her in the car and took her out the

highway and pulled over to the side of the road and told her that I wasn't long

for this world and that I was strongly considering cashing in my chips, she

told me she didn't want to hear about it. I do realize that it was certainly

something that no spouse wants to hear, but I was at one of my lowest points

and needed someone to talk to desperately. I've tried

speaking to her about our none existing love life, and make her know it is not

because of her or that I don't desire her but due to the meds and pain, I

really wanted to have a heart to heart with her but she just walked away in the

middle of the conversation. She was OK with my situation before we married,

now it seems to be bothering her. A few days ago I I was totally honest with her

and told her that as of late there have been a few times where I have just

completely broken down and cried, her response to that has stifled me to the

point I feel I will never speak to her about my pain or depression again. I

can't recall word for word but in it she said that she has always wanted a man

who would and could protect her and give " HER " a shoulder to lean or cry on and

not the other way around. That didn't make me feel too good about myself. I

was a trained fighter for the first 25 years of my life, I felt very confident

to protect those I love, after I became " ill " For lack

of a better word, It took some time for me to realize that I hadn't become "

yellow " , and that I was just re-thinking my position on the food chain, or

totem pole. I know that today I have poor physical conditioning, and I am a

mere speck of the man I used to be. I guess I just didn't know she felt or

thought that way too. I have been really down lately , today especially, my

wife asked me at least 5 times what was wrong , but how can I speak to her,

how can I tell her that I fear I'm coming apart at the seams, how could I tell

her that when I think about tomorrow it brings me to tears, for I know it will

be another day of suffering and for the life of me I don't know where I'll come

up with the strength to go on , the strength to just walk or get out of bed. I

fear Ill wake up and not be able to find that strength.

If anyone can think of something to say to her that may help her understand

that,,that,,,,,,,,,,,,I'm not sure myself how to put it, but if anyone can think

of a way to help , I would be forever obliged.

.

[Guest guest]

,

I don't try to lean on my husband. He knows what I'm going through because

he sees it, and he feels so helpless. So if i talk to him about it, he feels

even more helpless. That's why I joined this group. People here understand and

will talk about it.

You said your time in the Cayman's was very romantic. In addition to

talking to your Dr about Cymbalta or another anti-depressant, (Cymbalta is the

one that helps with nerve pain and fibro), you might want to ask about some of

the newer meds for men in the love dept.

My suggestion is to give your wife lots of signs of love and affection, and

not try talking to her yet. Bring her flowers. Stop at the store for some

treat she loves. If you aren't able to take her out for dinner, call a

restaurant and arrange for carry out, and tell her you'd like to eat at the

dining room table. Make sure to light candles. Cuddle. Women want affection

more than anything else. Tell her you love her, and tell her why you love her.

Tell her she can still lean on you, and you'll be there for her. Print out some

of the jokes from the group for her that you think she'd find funny. Tell her

that's one of the reasons you joined, and this is something you can share with

her.

Give the male meds a chance to work. But still do all the above. After a

month or two, if all is going well, just tell her you know it must be hard for

her to see you like this. She needs someone to lean on too! She's probably

worried that you won't be around long, and is scared to death of losing you.

Let her know you're willing to move to the Cayman's if she wants. And if

not, that you will find a Dr. who will be able to help you. Anti-depressants

can help with pain too.

Do you take anti-inflammatories? A lot of pain is caused by inflammation,

so they can be a big help. And you can take them with anti-d's and pain

killers.

I take both, Zanaflex, a muscle relxant, and valium when I get headaches.

I take Prednisone for an anti=-inflammatory because I'm allergis to all the

others.

Also, they're discovering that Embrel and Remicade don't just help

rheumatoid arthritis, they help other illnesses too.

If I were you, I'd make a list of meds I want to talk to the Dr. about. And

don't let your Dr. give you that " let's try just this one first and see if it

helps. Let him know you've been going through this long enough, and you want

scripts for whatever you decide you want to try. You can try things at home one

at a time if you like, and then won't have to keep running to the Dr. and the

pharmacy.

God is always with you; you just may not realize it. I don't pray for me to

get better. I pray for strength. You could pray for your wife and your Dr.

There's no point in being angry with God - it gets you nowhere. But prayer can

bring you wonderful peace.

With big hugs,

Dix

From: White wrote:

Since I've been coming to this board ( about a month now ) I have tried

to get my wife to read the letters, the advice etc. with me, I have yet to

succeed, I know she resents my belonging to this board, she has told me that she

now feels like I no longer need her,

[Guest guest]

Thanks Janine. It means a lot to know what I wrote was good.

Bless you,

Dix

Re: can anyone give some advice for my wife

Dear Dixie,

What a beautiful email....and very well said....everything was so true as

well, about what women really need...God Bless....janine

[Guest guest]

Hi: Since 1998 I have become more and more disabled (fibromyalgia,

arthritis, meuromuscular degeneration etc) and until a year ago my hubby was

still in

denial that there wasn't some magic " fix " for me. In 1997, my mother at 67

and hubb's at 87 died - I was the family member most involved with their

caregiving. I found attending " caregiver " support group to be very helpful.

Perhaps there's a " caregiver " support group in or around your geographical

location. They can be located by contacting local hospitals, rehab centers and

governmental " senior " agencies. God bless, Kathy in Central California

[Guest guest]

Hi

I am wondering of your wife is suspicious of our group since we hear about

online romances that have wrecked familes?

Perhaps she also feels like you are giving her an assignment when you tried

to get her to read the posts.

I wonder if you would simply ask what her opinion is about this or that

problem or subject that comes up? I keep dh up to date about many of the

folks here in the group.

He was especially pleased when I told him that Di from Canada finally has a

diagnosis.

Fortunately my husband and I both used to be nurses so medical talk is fun

and interesting for us.

Several people have had success writing a letter to their

wife/husband/family to carefully explain their feelings and also express

their love and concern.

I do agree with others who have suggested counseling. If she won't go then

go for yourself and hopefully in time she will join you.

Kaylene

> Since I've been coming to this board ( about a month now ) I have

>tried to get my wife to read the letters, the advice etc. with me, I have

>yet to succeed, I know she resents my belonging to this board, she has told

>me that she now feels like I no longer need her, I've tried to make her

>understand that for over ten years I've been desperate for someone to talk

>to that actually knows what its like to constantly deal with chronic

>pain.Ive tried to lean on my wife about 3-4 times in the last month, those

>attempts didn't fair out well at all. 2 days before I joined this board I

>put her in the car and took her out the highway and pulled over to the side

>of the road and told her that I wasn't long for this world and that I was

>strongly considering cashing in my chips, she told me she didn't want to

>hear about it. I do realize that it was certainly something that no spouse

>wants to hear, but I was at one of my lowest points and needed someone to

>talk to desperately. I've tried

> speaking to her about our none existing love life, and make her know it

>is not because of her or that I don't desire her but due to the meds and

>pain, I really wanted to have a heart to heart with her but she just

>walked away in the middle of the conversation. She was OK with my

>situation before we married, now it seems to be bothering her. A few days

>ago I I was totally honest with her and told her that as of late there have

>been a few times where I have just completely broken down and cried, her

>response to that has stifled me to the point I feel I will never speak to

>her about my pain or depression again. I can't recall word for word but in

>it she said that she has always wanted a man who would and could protect

>her and give " HER " a shoulder to lean or cry on and not the other way

>around. That didn't make me feel too good about myself. I was a trained

>fighter for the first 25 years of my life, I felt very confident to

>protect those I love, after I became " ill " For lack

> of a better word, It took some time for me to realize that I hadn't

>become " yellow " , and that I was just re-thinking my position on the food

>chain, or totem pole. I know that today I have poor physical

>conditioning, and I am a mere speck of the man I used to be. I guess I

>just didn't know she felt or thought that way too. I have been really down

>lately , today especially, my wife asked me at least 5 times what was

>wrong , but how can I speak to her, how can I tell her that I fear I'm

>coming apart at the seams, how could I tell her that when I think about

>tomorrow it brings me to tears, for I know it will be another day of

>suffering and for the life of me I don't know where I'll come up with the

>strength to go on , the strength to just walk or get out of bed. I fear

>Ill wake up and not be able to find that strength.

> If anyone can think of something to say to her that may help her

>understand that,,that,,,,,,,,,,,,I'm not sure myself how to put it, but if

>anyone can think of a way to help , I would be forever obliged.

> .

>

>