Re: spouses

[Guest guest]

Hi --

I've been lurking on this list, trying to learn more ever since my husband

was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes.

I'm the researcher in the family, but right now my research is making me a

little frustrated. For instance, my husband doesn't want to do daily BG

testing and his doctor has led him to believe that the in-office tests he's

doing every 6-8 weeks are adequate. My husband is losing weight, but he's

adopted a rigid diet and, from what I read here, it's impossible to know the

effect certain foods have on BG unless you test.

So, here are the questions: For those of you who have diabetes, what

constructive role do your spouses play? I've been married long enough to

know nagging doesn't get you where you want to go, but I'm not sure what I'm

supposed to do if I believe his habits are making his diabetes worse. This

isn't my illness, I know, but I sure am implicated in the outcomes.

Second, do any of you know of a group for spouses. Sometimes I think I just

need to vent a little and this probably isn't the ideal place. I have,

however, learned a great deal just from reading what other people have to

say. Diabetes is such an everyday and sometimes downright mysterious

condition. (Or maybe it just seems that way to me :-)

Everyone on this list has my admiration, especially after working through the

recent flaming wars and coming back even stronger. Keep supporting each

other.

carolyn

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 08/22/2000 6:35:41 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

crjabs@... writes:

<< 'm the researcher in the family, but right now my research is making me a

little frustrated. For instance, my husband doesn't want to do daily BG

testing and his doctor has led him to believe that the in-office tests he's

doing every 6-8 weeks are adequate. >>

My husband was diabetic too, as well as I, but he also had heart disease, but

he had a good dr, kept after him to test often, and he'd say what would you

rather do, keel over from complications or live?

He refused to comply, wouldn't go low carb, he died a year ago from a suddden

heart attack.

After going over his medical records there were several in office tests,

hba1c, done every 3 months, what he told me they were were not what I read,

he was in denial big time, common for major chronic diseases. Wanted no help

from me.

He said he just couldn't see himself testing the rest of his life, so he

didn't.

carol

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 08/22/2000 9:20:51 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

sandy46@... writes:

<< That must have been difficult for you to find out that he wasn't telling

you

how sick he really was... and I'm sure you miss him a whole lot. I'm very

sorry for your loss... >>

thank you

carol

[Guest guest]

Hi Carolyn -

My husband and I each accept responsibility for ourselves in most aspects of

our lives, except where one or the other specifically asks for help. I am

the only one who can manage my Diabetes. He is the only one who can manage

his high cholesterol. The habit of testing must be mine and my

responsibility. Taking his meds is his responsibility, as is getting to the

doctor for checkups and making sure that he always has a supply of his

medication on hand. I go to my own doctor's appointments and make sure I

have testing supplies and other medication that I need.

Occasionally I will ask him if he remembers he has an appointment coming

up... we keep the appointment cards on a bulletin board in the kitchen. He

reminds me the same way. After appointments we talk about any changes, good

or bad test results, etc.

I've seen one other approach that clearly doesn't work. My mother " manages "

my father's diabetes. She gives him his shots, doesn't always test

regularly because he is whiny about it and she is doing it " to " him. He

acts irresponsibly, never making sure he has insulin or test supplies with

him, and fully taking advantage of the " victim " role in not being able to

take care of himself. There is nothing wrong with him to prevent him from

doing these things for himself, but initially when he should have been

learning to do it, my very controlling mother who is an RN, did it for him.

And she did it with an attitude that said " I can do this better than you

can... poor baby " . So he has never accepted responsibility for himself,

sneaks food when she is not paying attention, and the results speak for

themselves. Two heart attacks, three femoral artery bypass operations, a

quadruple heart bypass, and major circulation problems from the years of not

really accepting that he has a serious illness.

Anne

Re: Spouses

<snip>

[Guest guest]

He

> acts irresponsibly, never making sure he has insulin or test supplies with

> him, and fully taking advantage of the " victim " role in not being able to

> take care of himself. There is nothing wrong with him to prevent him from

> doing these things for himself, but initially when he should have been

> learning to do it, my very controlling mother who is an RN, did it for

him.

> And she did it with an attitude that said " I can do this better than you

> can... poor baby " . So he has never accepted responsibility for himself,

> sneaks food when she is not paying attention, and the results speak for

> themselves. Two heart attacks, three femoral artery bypass operations, a

> quadruple heart bypass, and major circulation problems from the years of

not

> really accepting that he has a serious illness.

Anne,

I know just what you're talking about.... my mom did that for years when my

sister was diagnosed. She actually put a lock on the refrigerator, so my

sister would then " sneak food " . She thought she was being supportive, but

it went beyond that. Now, she understands that, thankfully....

My husband is supportive of me managing my diabetes in that he says, " You

decide what you have to eat, and I'll eat whatever you do. " I know that he

loves potatoes and sweets, but he never complains, says it's better for him

too. He also goes for walks with me -- although, sometimes I have to drag

him :-)

Sandy

[Guest guest]

I see they have adjustable lances now, and lancets have improved a lot.

I phoned Lifescan and talked them out of a new lance, and they threw in

200 new lancets, much improved. A suggesttion for folks that must pay

for their supplies, a friend said WalMart had needles and lancets he

preferred. He's T1 in Florida.

Sam

[Guest guest]

> I'm the researcher in the family, but right now my research is making me a

> little frustrated. For instance, my husband doesn't want to do daily BG

> testing and his doctor has led him to believe that the in-office tests

he's

> doing every 6-8 weeks are adequate

Carolyn,

My doctor was the same way... I actually see the nurse practitioner who made

sure I do daily bg testing. The doctor thinks every 3 mos. testing is

adequate... crazy! She told me that it would help me to better manage my

diabetes, and she was right. Otherwise, how would I know how to eat from

day to day? She even went so far as to write a letter to the insurance

company when they balked at paying for my strips because I'm Type II. Now,

they do :-)

Sandy

[Guest guest]

> Second, do any of you know of a group for spouses. Sometimes I think I

just

> need to vent a little and this probably isn't the ideal place

Carolyn,

I don't, but why don't you start one? Egroups is very user friendly :-)

Sandy

[Guest guest]

Carolyn J. If his diabetes is serious enough to lose weight, I think you

must have a meter, test tapes and a lance and lancets for blood testing.

You are flying blind without it, both in the care he is getting and the

knowledge about foods. If there is no medication there must be serious

adjustment of his diet, and frankly the advice you get from doctors is

poor or non exixtent.

Basically starches drive sugar up, and to know what adjustments to make

are dependent on metering. Fat in the diet, or on the body causes

insulin resistance (to his own insulin). Activity improves insulin

resistance. Change doctors? Most are hopeless on diabetes, they may have

had a week of training, and thats the last learning they have.

When you get a meter, it is also useful to plan ahead to use download

capability to software, they can do magic with graphs, espeecially one

that overlays data from days on a 24 hour scale, that's one you don't

get from spread sheet prrograms. Noth the apparatus to connect the meter

and the software are part of the consideration. I have 2 packages, and a

simple cable to download my data.

I'm an retired electrical engineer and specially know how to use meters

for effect and software and graphing to solve problems.

I write to diabetics, Sam in San Diego

[Guest guest]

> After going over his medical records there were several in office tests,

> hba1c, done every 3 months, what he told me they were were not what I

read,

> he was in denial big time, common for major chronic diseases. Wanted no

help

> from me.

> He said he just couldn't see himself testing the rest of his life, so he

> didn't.

Carol,

That must have been difficult for you to find out that he wasn't telling you

how sick he really was... and I'm sure you miss him a whole lot. I'm very

sorry for your loss...

Sandy

[Guest guest]

A suggesttion for folks that must pay

> for their supplies, a friend said WalMart had needles and lancets he

> preferred. He's T1 in Florida.

I don't know what type they have, but of all the kinds of lancets I've

tried, I prefer B-D Ultra Fine II lancets... they don't hurt as much, in my

opinion.

Sandy

[Guest guest]

Sandy, that's what I thought about the B & D too, I find the adjustable

lance is helpful, and the Lifescan lancets even better, I had to dial

the lance down to 2 setting or it really savages your finger. 200 is a

lifetime supply for me, as I am on diet only, eat a little at a time,

eat again when I get hungry.

The Lifescan lance is small, well made, has an ejection feature that

makes lancet handling easier. I put the cap off the new on the old one,

and trash it. I seldom change lancets. Sam

[Guest guest]

> The Lifescan lance is small, well made, has an ejection feature that

> makes lancet handling easier. I put the cap off the new on the old one,

> and trash it. I seldom change lancets.

Sam,

Thanks! I'll keep my eye out for that one... time to replace mine. The

spring is not working real well.

Sandy

[Guest guest]

Vernon Catron

www.jacksonville.net/~vcatron

French Huguenot, Gordon's Musketeers, 1st Regiment of Foot, British Marine,

1st NYV Engineers

Re: Spouses

Hi --

I've been lurking on this list, trying to learn more ever since my husband

was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes.

I'mI read here, it's impossible to know the

effect certain foods have on BG unless you test.

[Vern] He is deceiving himself BIG TIME. I know I went that route.

So, here are the questions: For those of you who have diabetes, what

constructive role do your spouses play? I've been married long enough to

know nagging doesn't get you where you want to go, but I'm not sure what I'm

supposed to do if I believe his habits are making his diabetes worse. This

isn't my illness, I know, but I sure am implicated in the outcomes.

{Vern} Agreed nagging does not work. Is his Dr a gp or an Endo? Does he

realize that a side effect in men is ED? Yes we need to be reminded of

that, it does work on the ego...... I know as I denied it for years. Now I

am pumping and have glucose levels near normal and feel GREAT. BTW my wife

is very supportive.

[Guest guest]

--- In diabetesegroups, " Vern Catron " <vcatron@m...> wrote

(among other things):

Does he realize that a side effect in men is ED?

What is ED?

[Guest guest]

ED = Erectile Dysfunction

BTW it's not uncommon in men suffering from advanced diabetes. Some men

benefit from Viagra.

Re: Spouses

> --- In diabetesegroups, " Vern Catron " <vcatron@m...> wrote

> (among other things):

> Does he realize that a side effect in men is ED?

>

> What is ED?

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Erectile Dysfunction

Vernon Catron

www.jacksonville.net/~vcatron

French Huguenot, Gordon's Musketeers, 1st Regiment of Foot, British Marine,

1st NYV Engineers

Re: Spouses

--- In diabetesegroups, " Vern Catron " <vcatron@m...> wrote

(among other things):

Does he realize that a side effect in men is ED?

What is ED?

[Guest guest]

> What is ED?

I believe it's erectile dysfunction.

Sandy

[Guest guest]

As has been said the diabetic has to take responsibility for his/her

care. My husband does not bug me if he sees me eat something I

shouldn't, nor does he nag me to exercise, test, go to the doc, etc. I

don't nag him to take his meds (most of the time). However, Carolyn,

since you would be the one to take care of him if the DM gets worse and

complications set in then you probably want to try to educate him. Does

your local hospital give classes for diabetics and would he attend? I

went to the classes when first diagnosed and they were very helpful.

There were several couples in the class with the husband with DM. If

your hubby were to hear some of the facts from a CDE (certified diabetes

educator) that might make more of an impression on him. I can't imagine

not testing every day, but that's because I've been doing it every day

for a while. Your husband hasn't been doing it so he might truly not see

the advantages of testing, especially if his doctor says every 3 months

is sufficient. (Oh brother!) I would try to get him in the class,

provide him with books, etc. and then leave it to him. I personally went

through denial for a long time. I really knew before going to the

doctor, but just couldn't face it. Perhaps that's where he is. It took

serious retinopathy to get me on the right track. I hope that you can

find something that will get through to him before something more

serious happens.

Best wishes,

Pat in FL

[Guest guest]

Thanks for all your encouragement. My husband's doctor did put him on

glucophage. His initial numbers were very high--13 for the A1C test. He was

having symptoms then but now the major issue seems to be fatigue and maybe

depression. We did see a diabetes educator but he decided the doctor was

more qualified to advise him even though everything I read says that general

docs aren't as knowledgeable about diabetes as the nurse educators. I think

I may try to find an endocrinologist since he may be more responsive to a

specialist.

I like the bread crumb idea. I can keep mentioning things I've read on this

list and elsewhere so he knows what's available, but I know it's up to him to

make decisions. I'm a take-charge kind of person by nature, but I've learned

that when it comes to family members--kids as well as spouses--it's better

for everyone if I support their choices instead of trying to impose my own.

Thanks again for all the perspective.

Carolyn

[Guest guest]

My husband's doctor did put him on

> glucophage. His initial numbers were very high--13 for the A1C test. He

was

> having symptoms then but now the major issue seems to be fatigue and maybe

> depression.

Carolyn,

With an A1C of 13, his blood glucose must be very high. No wonder he is

feeling fatigue, and depression is normal. I remember how tired I was all

the time. My doctor said, " When you feel so tired because of the high blood

sugar, the LAST thing you'll want to do is exercise, but that's what you

need to do. " She was right! Exercise will help get that blood sugar down.

Tell your husband you want to go for a walk, and you'd like his company.

That will help him out of his depression, and it will help to lower his

blood sugar.

Sandy