Re: Re: Lucika

[Guest guest]

Hi Lucika,I hadn't heard much from you lately, and I wondered how you were doing, so I just wanted to say I I hope you're OK. I also thought some more about your saying you don't have much support. I think that's one thing that makes a huge difference in how people manage relationships. I know for myself, I have accepted that my boyfriend (who I believe has AS) is not able to help me when I am upset or need to talk about something. What gets me through is my friends. For me they come from my church, but I had to work really hard to find a church that was supportive for me (I ended up at a Unitarian Universalist one, because my religious beliefs are pretty unusual around here), but there are also mom's groups, book groups, and a

gazillion other kinds of groups out there where you might be able to meet people. Of course there's also counseling, if you're interested in that, which provides a lot of support if you find the right person. Just a thought.Again, I really hope you're doing OK.BeccaTo: aspires-relationships Sent: Sun, June 19, 2011 9:59:14 PMSubject: Re:

Completely overwhelemed

Hi,

My name is actually Lucika but you can call me Luci too. Thank you for the advice. I don't have a lot to say in response right now, as I want to read it a few more times to take it all in and see what I can do with it. So far it all sounds worth a try and I appreciate the insight on the vicious cycle things seem to have taken, I never thought of it that way and that is helpful to have a different way to look at things. I will write more at a later time.

thanks again.

-> > > What support do you have? Do you have family and friends to help you through > this difficult time? If you have family and friends, how have they responded to > your boyfriend? Does anyone know anything about or seem interested in learning > about Asperger's with you?> > I don't really have much support. My family are all do-ers not talkers. My > family really likes my boyfriend, in fact they think he's one of the best things > that have ever happened to me. But I'm not sure they really know the struggles > that we have. I don't know

of anyone that has really taken much of an active > interest in learning more. > >

[Guest guest]

Hey Lucika,I'm glad you're hanging in there. I just had a couple comments on what you said.To: aspires-relationships Sent: Wed, June 29, 2011 1:41:54 PMSubject: Re: Lucika

Hi Becca,

I'm doing alright, things are still about the same as they have been. Still getting very frustrated with things, but having some great times too. It's always so hard to explain the way things are, because it gets to be too much to handle at times, but other times are like nothing has ever been wrong and I couldn't ask for a happier relationship. It's good to hear that you have those good times to. They can really get you through the tough ones.

I mostly still just get tired of expressing myself and my needs and opinions to someone who says they are listening and understand, and yet literally 5 minutes later is behaving the same old ways that he said he wouldn't. I am starting to think that he has no idea what he's even doing most of the time. In terms of how his behavior and language affect you, he probably doesn't know what he's doing. What's so hard is to figure out how to communicate in terms that your partner can understand. Are you able to describe the behavior you don't like without using feeling words? I also wonder if you're asking him to meet emotional needs. If you are, you may be asking him to do the impossible.

That's why I wrote my last post about finding support outside the relationship, so you have other supportive people in your life to turn to.He should be able to do concrete things, like hug you if you tell him you need to be held (if touch isn't a problem for him), or stop doing a particular concrete behavior that really upsets you. And it is important that he learns to accept that your feelings are important, even if he doesn't respond to the world that way. (One of my favorite quotes from an old therapist is "feelings are facts." ) He REALLY needs to understand that your kids' feelings are important. Can he identify any of his own feelings (e.g. anger, frustration)? If you say you're sad, does he have any

idea what that means, really? Would he be willing to work with you to try to get a better idea of how your feelings affect you? Almost certainly, if you describe a situation that upset you, he will not understand the emotional content of what you're telling him. A couple weeks ago, I told my boyfriend about my sister not listening to me when I was upset, then got annoyed when he started talking about politics, his pet subject. When I snapped that I was looking for some sympathy, he replied, in all seriousness, that he thought he was giving me sympathy. He tries to do for me what would make him feel better - but of course it REALLY doesn't have that effect for me. Anyway, I know you said you've read a lot about Asperger's, so you've probably heard about this stuff, but it sounds like you two have a communication breakdown. Do you think

his counselor could work with both of you together for a couple sessions to help with this one issue? If you want more advice from Aspires, you could also start a thread with a title that says something like "Any tips for communicating with my Aspie partner?"I can't imagine that this person who is the kindest sweetest person I've ever met would purposefully reject my clearly stated needs to continue in his old ways. It's very very hard not to see it that way though. I tell him what I need to change, he agrees and says he will try his hardest and yet he never does change these things even when it should be fresh in his mind. It is very hard to keep myself from thinking at times that he just doesn't care at all about what I need and that he would rather just stay stuck in his own head. It sounds to me like he is, in fact, trying very hard to give you what you need, as far as

he is able. That's just based on what you write, but it's how I see it. So maybe you could use a different metaphor to think about what's happening. It's kind of like you love living at the top of a mountain, with great view, and the clean air and quiet. But he's an out-of-shape flatlander who's afraid of heights. You've been climbing mountains since you learned to walk, so to you it's automatic. To him, it's incredibly difficult physically as well as terrifying just to get to the first level spot, with 90% of the climb still ahead of him. Hopefully, the two of you can learn to get along and appreciate the years-long process while he learns enough skills to climb to the top, even if he never understands why you like it, and it's still difficult for him and makes him kind of anxious.Other things that make it very hard is how defensive he is. I find that I can't express myself about something

that is bothering me without him getting overly defensive, even when I wasn't even directing my issues at him. Sometimes I say how I am feeling and all I want is for him to respond to me with more than 3 words or even at all, and direct the response towards how I am feeling and what I had said, but instead he responds with all the reasons why he didn't do anything wrong or some explanation of his behavior. I know he says he is listening to me, but it never seems that way when he never has anything to say about me and what I am saying, but rather all about himself. I completely understand why he does this and that he probably cannot help it, but it doesn't make it any easier for me. I'm struggling with this with my boyfriend right now, too. I wish I had some great, clever advice to give you, but the only thing I can offer is keep trying and be patient. I realized today that I

need to explain to my boyfriend that the reason I tell him the things that bother me is so we can improve our relationship, and so I don't become angry and resentful. He thought I was mad at him, but actually I've just been more honest and open about how I feel because I thought he, and we as a couple, were doing better, so I wasn't as worried about setting him off. But of course, to him it just seemed like all of a sudden I was criticizing him for "little stuff."Anyway, that's my ranting on that for now. The reason I had not been saying anything for a while is because the thread I started before kind of got taken over. Yeah, the threads on here tend to go in all kinds of crazy directions Thank you so much for checking in, it means a lot.

- Lucika

Maybe some of what I said will be helpful; if not feel free to ignore it. It always helps me to write these posts anyway, because I need to understand things much better myself in order to write about them in any coherent way to someone else!Becca