\My AS/AS problem

[Guest guest]

Bill:

I am not sure if this helps. You are about the same age of my mother, so I am probably around your son's age. I detached when I was very young as I had a job where I traveled extensively for over ten years. I then came back home for a few years and then moved to Oregon and have been here for 23 years. My relationship with my parents has been similar to you and your son due to distance.

Being back in school has really helped me as "family dynamics" is a BIG part of counseling in today's world. The head of the program is a private therapist who is really big on "attachment theory". There is a zillion theories out there on why as adults we become who we are. I have had to do a lot of work on me. In doing the work, I have been able to see my relationship with my parents goes beyond us. It involves their relationship with their parent and on up the family tree. There is genetics and environment and so on. We all experience our environment differently. If you ask my sisters, "what was it like growing up in our family?" All three of us will tell similar tales, but will remember it differently as we have different temperaments, personalities and experience life differently.

Everyone has a role in the family growing up and family rules that are unique to our families that help shape us as an adult. Sometimes good, sometimes negative. My role as the oldest was the "hero", the fixer and a great breeding ground for a future co-dependent or care giver of which I became. My middle sister was the "mascot". Susie brought humor to our family through her antics and took the attention away from others, which was a welcome relief as I got away with a lot of things growing up because of it. My younger sister was the baby of the family and could do no wrong. When I left home at 18, the roles shifted as the family dynamics changed. I was no longer there to smooth things out.

One of our family rules was, "what happens in the family, stays in the family." This is a common rule that families had and still do because of culture or family dynamics. I broke this rule when I became an advocate and spoke out which only alienated me further from my family. I did not understand that at the time. For years they thought I was a drama queen and seeking attention. It took years of autism awareness for them to realize I was just ahead of my time and my generation helped pave the way for others. They are now very proud and get it.

Over the years, we have had to do a lot of growing up and repairing relationships. But, as we have traveled through life in different directions, we have had the opportunity to work on ourselves and understand that our roles have changed as we age through life and the times have changed. We are all the same people, but look at or our past differently and that is OK. I was not around when my sister went through a bad case of breast cancer, nor when my nephew got a DUI for a hit and run and was mandated into treatment which opened a dialogue in our family (which is huge as my mother is one of ten) on addictions and mental health issues that were never discussed before. The family rules and roles had to change AGAIN and continue to change as we grow older. We had to learn that it is OK to ask for help outside of the family and OK to discuss these issues that other's are going through as well. Sometimes it helps, to know you are not alone and can learn from others like we do on ASPIRES.

The answers you are seeking lie between you and your son. How much do you know about his life? My family knows what I choose to tell them due to distance.

When I married Larry he was very detached from his family. Years ago after his mother died his siblings and him found their way back to each other. They just flew him out for a week in another state for a vacation. I think reattaching with them has helped him a lot.

Since the divorce, both Larry and I have had time to grow, move on and reflect back on our lives. Due to the economy, Britt and I will be moving back with Larry till I get back on my feet and it will be interesting to see how this goes. My AS mother surprised me when she said, "you always have your home to come back to anytime you want. You have options and choices". I know many others in similar circumstances due to the economy. Hopefully we have both grown and are in a better place to co-exist and he has 2 extra rooms in his home that are empty and a RV garage that we can store our furniture and stuff in. Plus I have other support to help us move.

A very wise man once told me, "it takes two to tango," but I have always felt it is hard to dance when only one partner is on the floor. Relationships are complicated especially in families where there are a lot of memories and baggage to deal with. There is a great movie called, "Home for the Holidays" that shows the family dynamics of 2 out of three siblings that have detached and are forced to come back home for Thanksgiving and it all falls apart very quickly as the detached siblings have been leading their own lives separate from the family unit and their family roles have changed with a family still stuck in the past. It is a comedy and all star cast.

I just share part of my story as all families deal with the same issues. There is no perfect family, just some that communicate better. We live in a detached world due to technology. I heard on the news the other day, grocery stores are getting rid of their automatic checkers as consumers miss the social contact and would prefer to stand in line as oppose to checking out with a machine.

I hope you can find a way to work it out with your son as it sounds like this is important to you. You know him the best. Maybe he needs time? Have you told him "why" you want to change or redefine this relationship after all these years from a distant relationship to something different? That in itself is a BIG change for him as he might be use to the relationship as it has been for years. Change is hard for all of us.

You were right about my marriage, it did take two to tangle, but it took a lot of work on my part to realize the role I played and why. Being back in school in the counseling program helped me to grow and see the light.

Just my two cents worth as usual.

Best as always.