Re: God, give me patience, NOW!

[Guest guest]

Please help me find a way to be more patient with the kid. He has ADHD, and I know I should not get angry with him, but, predictably enough, trying hard not to get angry makes me.. you guessed.. ANGRY!Today we went to a doctor. Not a regular doctor, a big name doctor which is almost unavailable to general public. I warned him before that doctor's time is valuable and that during his visit, we should focus on what matters and not get distracted. He understood, we agreed on that. We went to the doctor, and what did he do?? Tear apart the paper sheet from the exam table into thousands of pieces! Loudly!! Piece by piece! I'd grab one piece of paper from his hands, he'd reach for another!! I'd talk to him, make him look at me and make faces, I tried EVERYTHING!! Sometimes I think he is just pulling my leg, finding something that bothers me and sticks to it, that it's just sadistic on his part.

When we left the office (after spending 15 minutes cleaning up), I turned up to him and asked what the heck this is about. He said: " But Mooooom, I stopped immediately when you told me to! "

Arggggghhh!!!! Help me, please. I know I should not be angry with a kid with ADHD, but what do I do??

[Guest guest]

Hi Jane,

Don't beat yourself up over this. It must be very wearing dealing with such behaviour. I expect you're right that even the suggestion that he must behave extra well might have triggered more disruptive behaviour. That might occur with any child.

I have memories of growing up in the fifties and my mother calling the doctor to the house when house calls were still common and being given strict instructions to stay in bed and look ill or I'd be wasting the doctor's time!

I also remember calling the emergency doctor in the middle of the night or on a public holiday for my children when small and worrying that they might not really be ill enough for a house call and that I would be to blame for wasting time.

I'm really wondering here what the specialist thought. Did he expect to see your child behaving perfectly and if he had might that not have been a waste of his time? Maybe you would have been less hard on yourself if you had accepted this was about the sort of behaviour the specialist might expect to observe?

I know you are asking about dealing with your own impatience and anger here but I think your anger/distress is understandable and part of the situation that needs to be treated as a whole. A child with ADHD is going to affect the whole family. A doctor treating ADHD will benefit from seeing the whole picture and presumably won't be impatient with difficult children or lack understanding for their worn out parents. I'd hope so anyway.

It sounds like you could do with a well-earned break which probably isn't possible but is your child at school during the day? If so can you find some time to devote to yourself. Do you have contact with any other parents of ADHD children who might be able to offer moral support?

Sorry if this wasn't a very ACT oriented response but I'm sure you'll get that from others. Not beating yourself up, accepting your emotional response as understandable would seem the way to go though I think.

Take care,

S.

Subject: Re: God, give me patience, NOW!To: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Wednesday, 16 February, 2011, 0:55

Please help me find a way to be more patient with the kid. He has ADHD, and I know I should not get angry with him, but, predictably enough, trying hard not to get angry makes me.. you guessed.. ANGRY!

Today we went to a doctor. Not a regular doctor, a big name doctor which is almost unavailable to general public. I warned him before that doctor's time is valuable and that during his visit, we should focus on what matters and not get distracted. He understood, we agreed on that. We went to the doctor, and what did he do?? Tear apart the paper sheet from the exam table into thousands of pieces! Loudly!! Piece by piece! I'd grab one piece of paper from his hands, he'd reach for another!! I'd talk to him, make him look at me and make faces, I tried EVERYTHING!! Sometimes I think he is just pulling my leg, finding something that bothers me and sticks to it, that it's just sadistic on his part.

When we left the office (after spending 15 minutes cleaning up), I turned up to him and asked what the heck this is about. He said: "But Mooooom, I stopped immediately when you told me to!"

Arggggghhh!!!! Help me, please. I know I should not be angry with a kid with ADHD, but what do I do??

[Guest guest]

Hi JaneThat sounds really rough. :0(I don't understand why you think you shouldn't feel angry at times like that. I don't know anyone who wouldn't be upset. Do you think that because your child has ADHD that you should therefore be automatically immune to feeling so frustrated. I'd be tearing my hair out. My son's learning problems leaves me feeling desperately impatient with him, which I feel guilty about - but it's only because I love him so much. You might not want to feel angry and frustrated, but you are human. Can I ask a few questions?What are you looking for? To stop feeling so angry? Or to try and change how you behave when you are angry? ACT has taught me that if you try and directly stop the feelings, it only makes it worse. But you can change

how you behave at times like that, and via the back door that can alleviate some of the feelings in the longer termI also wondered where you are up to with ACT - are you new to it all? xSubject: Re: God, give me patience, NOW!To: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Wednesday, 16 February, 2011, 0:55

Please help me find a way to be more patient with the kid. He has ADHD, and I know I should not get angry with him, but, predictably enough, trying hard not to get angry makes me.. you guessed.. ANGRY!Today we went to a doctor. Not a regular doctor, a big name doctor which is almost unavailable to general public. I warned him before that doctor's time is valuable and that during his visit, we should focus on what matters and not get distracted. He understood, we agreed on that. We went to the doctor, and what did he do?? Tear apart the paper sheet from the exam table into thousands of pieces! Loudly!! Piece by piece! I'd grab one piece of paper from his hands, he'd reach for another!! I'd talk to him, make him look at me and make faces, I tried EVERYTHING!! Sometimes I think he is just pulling my leg, finding something that bothers me and sticks to it, that it's just sadistic on his part.

When we left the office (after spending 15 minutes cleaning up), I turned up to him and asked what the heck this is about. He said: "But Mooooom, I stopped immediately when you told me to!"

Arggggghhh!!!! Help me, please. I know I should not be angry with a kid with ADHD, but what do I do??

[Guest guest]

Hi and Suzy, Thank you for your letters. You've given me the much needed validation. I've been thinking I've got angry over nothing, as usual, when my son is going through such rough times (ADHD is the smallest of his problems). Sometimes I think that a big part of his psychological issues are due to the lack of anger management on my part, the lack of a nurturing relationship with the only parent he's got around. If paper shredding would make other people tear their hair off, then maybe some of his more disagreeable behaviors would, as well! Thanks for restoring my sanity.

Yes, he goes to school, and that's my self-nurturing time. When he skips school, I can't function at all. Every day I get ready to give him a warm, special welcome, and rarely a day goes smoothly without some negative feelings on both sides.

The doc was a neurologist, it took 3 months and a referral from another big name doc to even be seen by him. A really nice guy, not rushed at all, he showed a lot of understanding towards my kid and, while I was almost jumping up and down with anger, he told my son very gently that it's understandable, it's stress. I wonder if he thought I am a horrible parent, for not understanding this obvious fact and not acting like a parent - say, making him sit further away from the exam table and giving him something to hold in his hands, instead acting with obvious anger towards a sick, vulnerable child. 

Later that night, my son told me that that's EVERYONE thinks he does what he does just to annoy them. :-(I confess I am still at Chapter 4 at GOOYMAIYL, though I did read ahead a bit. 

 

Hi JaneThat sounds really rough.  :0(I don't understand why you think you shouldn't feel angry at times like that.  I don't know anyone who wouldn't be upset.  Do you think that because your child has ADHD that you should therefore be automatically immune to feeling so frustrated.  I'd be tearing my hair out.  My son's learning problems leaves me feeling desperately impatient with him, which I feel guilty about - but it's only because I love him so much. 

You might not want to feel angry and frustrated, but you are human.  Can I ask a few questions?What are you looking for?  To stop feeling so angry?  Or to try and change how you behave when you are angry?  ACT has taught me that if you try and directly stop the feelings, it only makes it worse.  But you can change

how you behave at times like that, and via the back door that can alleviate some of the feelings in the longer termI also wondered where you are up to with ACT - are you new to it all? x

Subject: Re: God, give me patience, NOW!To: ACT_for_the_Public

Date: Wednesday, 16 February, 2011, 0:55

 

Please help me find a way to be more patient with the kid. He has ADHD, and I know I should not get angry with him, but, predictably enough, trying hard not to get angry makes me.. you guessed.. ANGRY!

Today we went to a doctor. Not a regular doctor, a big name doctor which is almost unavailable to general public. I warned him before that doctor's time is valuable and that during his visit, we should focus on what matters and not get distracted. He understood, we agreed on that. We went to the doctor, and what did he do?? Tear apart the paper sheet from the exam table into thousands of pieces! Loudly!! Piece by piece! I'd grab one piece of paper from his hands, he'd reach for another!! I'd talk to him, make him look at me and make faces, I tried EVERYTHING!! Sometimes I think he is just pulling my leg, finding something that bothers me and sticks to it, that it's just sadistic on his part.

When we left the office (after spending 15 minutes cleaning up), I turned up to him and asked what the heck this is about. He said: " But Mooooom, I stopped immediately when you told me to! "

Arggggghhh!!!! Help me, please. I know I should not be angry with a kid with ADHD, but what do I do??

[Guest guest]

Hi Jane,

Can I just jump in here. This is really hard and I feel for you. There is so much guilt associated with being a parent huh? Being a single parent must be doubly hard. My daughter is diabetic and when her sugars are high - boy do I know it! But I don't want to be the kind of parent that reacts with anger and frustration - although sadly I often do...but I am learning. Firstly, I think it's important to be real kind to yourself - this is difficult for both of you- give yourself a break. And secondly bring mindfulness to the process - what i do is observe the anger rise in my body without reacting- it's like an energy bubbling up - sometimes I take myself away ( sometimes into the loo!) where I take a few deep slow breaths - remind myself that it is not her fault or mine - and this is not the way either of us truly want to be. I find this helps to give me some space.

Also - and I don't know if this will help or not - I saw a programme on tv the other day just about this kind of situation. It was on Supernanny - have you seen it? The little boy had ADHD and his parents were pulling their hair out too - she really turned it around for them, with various methods. Her website is www.joefrost.com you might want to take a look.

There are also books on mindful parenting - which you may want to take a look at.

Best of Luck!

Simone

Subject: Re: God, give me patience, NOW!To: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Wednesday, 16 February, 2011, 0:55

Please help me find a way to be more patient with the kid. He has ADHD, and I know I should not get angry with him, but, predictably enough, trying hard not to get angry makes me.. you guessed.. ANGRY!

Today we went to a doctor. Not a regular doctor, a big name doctor which is almost unavailable to general public. I warned him before that doctor's time is valuable and that during his visit, we should focus on what matters and not get distracted. He understood, we agreed on that. We went to the doctor, and what did he do?? Tear apart the paper sheet from the exam table into thousands of pieces! Loudly!! Piece by piece! I'd grab one piece of paper from his hands, he'd reach for another!! I'd talk to him, make him look at me and make faces, I tried EVERYTHING!! Sometimes I think he is just pulling my leg, finding something that bothers me and sticks to it, that it's just sadistic on his part.

When we left the office (after spending 15 minutes cleaning up), I turned up to him and asked what the heck this is about. He said: "But Mooooom, I stopped immediately when you told me to!"

Arggggghhh!!!! Help me, please. I know I should not be angry with a kid with ADHD, but what do I do??

[Guest guest]

<<What are you looking for?  To stop feeling so angry?  Or to try and change how you behave when you are angry?  ACT has taught me that if you try and directly stop the feelings, it only makes it worse.  But you can change how you behave at times like that, and via the back door that can alleviate some of the feelings in the longer term>>

Of  course, the second option would do just fine, provided it's doable; the doubt that I seem to have about it, and it may be just the noob in me.. is not our bodies' reaction to anger physiological, primordial, fight or flight kind of a response? Is that even open to conscious modification? 

The anxiety is different, IMHO, in that you can usually afford to show signs of anxiety; but I should not be displaying signs of anger to my kid all the time, over something he can't control; that's horrible to his self-esteem. What do I do?

 

Hi JaneThat sounds really rough.  :0(I don't understand why you think you shouldn't feel angry at times like that.  I don't know anyone who wouldn't be upset.  Do you think that because your child has ADHD that you should therefore be automatically immune to feeling so frustrated.  I'd be tearing my hair out.  My son's learning problems leaves me feeling desperately impatient with him, which I feel guilty about - but it's only because I love him so much. 

You might not want to feel angry and frustrated, but you are human.  Can I ask a few questions?What are you looking for?  To stop feeling so angry?  Or to try and change how you behave when you are angry?  ACT has taught me that if you try and directly stop the feelings, it only makes it worse.  But you can change

how you behave at times like that, and via the back door that can alleviate some of the feelings in the longer termI also wondered where you are up to with ACT - are you new to it all? x

Subject: Re: God, give me patience, NOW!To: ACT_for_the_Public

Date: Wednesday, 16 February, 2011, 0:55

 

Please help me find a way to be more patient with the kid. He has ADHD, and I know I should not get angry with him, but, predictably enough, trying hard not to get angry makes me.. you guessed.. ANGRY!

Today we went to a doctor. Not a regular doctor, a big name doctor which is almost unavailable to general public. I warned him before that doctor's time is valuable and that during his visit, we should focus on what matters and not get distracted. He understood, we agreed on that. We went to the doctor, and what did he do?? Tear apart the paper sheet from the exam table into thousands of pieces! Loudly!! Piece by piece! I'd grab one piece of paper from his hands, he'd reach for another!! I'd talk to him, make him look at me and make faces, I tried EVERYTHING!! Sometimes I think he is just pulling my leg, finding something that bothers me and sticks to it, that it's just sadistic on his part.

When we left the office (after spending 15 minutes cleaning up), I turned up to him and asked what the heck this is about. He said: " But Mooooom, I stopped immediately when you told me to! "

Arggggghhh!!!! Help me, please. I know I should not be angry with a kid with ADHD, but what do I do??

[Guest guest]

The second is doable. When you get the fight or flight urges, it is possible to face them down, and do the "third" option of your choosing. It's hard, of course, going against your body and mind's urges, but doable. It needs practice, practice, practice, so it takes time.A really good tip for separating yourself from the emotion is the "notice 5 things" exercise. Try it next time you feel very angry and frustrated. Say you'll be back in 5 minutes. Go outside, say, or into anoher room (I find outside is best) and listen and notice what you are hearing; look, and notice what you are seeing; feel what is touching you, like the wind, or the grass (or mud here!) beheath your feet. Then you can notice what you are feeling, the bubble of anger trying to burst out. It's just a sensation, like being thirsty, or

being hungry, or feeling tired. But over time you've given this sensation huge significance in your life, because it make you act at odds with your true values. Notice it, and breathe. Then you will be on a better footing to decide what to do with this sensation. Go and scream somewhere? Punch a wall? Kick the cat? (Helena on this forum will advise against that!) Shout at your son? Or maybe just let it stay there, as an unwelcome visitor to your house, but one that you have to put up with for a while - because to kick them out would be against what you stand for as a person.Practice this, is my suggestion. It won't come easy, but the benefits of practice are really worthwhileGood luck to you, Jane x

Subject: Re: God, give me patience, NOW!To: ACT_for_the_Public

Date: Wednesday, 16 February, 2011, 0:55

Please help me find a way to be more patient with the kid. He has ADHD, and I know I should not get angry with him, but, predictably enough, trying hard not to get angry makes me.. you guessed.. ANGRY!

Today we went to a doctor. Not a regular doctor, a big name doctor which is almost unavailable to general public. I warned him before that doctor's time is valuable and that during his visit, we should focus on what matters and not get distracted. He understood, we agreed on that. We went to the doctor, and what did he do?? Tear apart the paper sheet from the exam table into thousands of pieces! Loudly!! Piece by piece! I'd grab one piece of paper from his hands, he'd reach for another!! I'd talk to him, make him look at me and make faces, I tried EVERYTHING!! Sometimes I think he is just pulling my leg, finding something that bothers me and sticks to it, that it's just sadistic on his part.

When we left the office (after spending 15 minutes cleaning up), I turned up to him and asked what the heck this is about. He said: "But Mooooom, I stopped immediately when you told me to!"

Arggggghhh!!!! Help me, please. I know I should not be angry with a kid with ADHD, but what do I do??

[Guest guest]

Hi ,Thank you for your letter, it does help a lot.  I could not find www.joefrost.com, a typo perhaps?Thanks,

Jane

 

Hi Jane,

 

Can I just jump in here. This is really hard and I feel for you. There is so much guilt associated with being a parent huh? Being a single parent must be doubly hard. My daughter is diabetic and when her sugars are high - boy do I know it! But I don't want to be the kind of parent that reacts with anger and frustration - although sadly I often do...but I am learning. Firstly, I think it's important to be real kind to yourself - this is difficult for both of you- give yourself a break. And secondly bring mindfulness to the process - what i do is observe the anger rise in my body without reacting- it's like an energy bubbling up - sometimes I take myself away ( sometimes into the loo!) where I take a few deep slow breaths - remind myself that it is not her fault or mine - and this is not the way either of us truly want to be. I find this helps to give me some space.

Also - and I don't know if this will help or not - I saw a programme on tv the other day just about this kind of situation. It was on Supernanny - have you seen it? The little boy had ADHD  and his parents were pulling their hair out too - she really turned it around for them, with various methods. Her website is www.joefrost.com you might want to take a look.

There are also books on mindful parenting - which you may want to take a look at.

Best of Luck!

 

Simone

 

Subject: Re: God, give me patience, NOW!

To: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Wednesday, 16 February, 2011, 0:55

 

Please help me find a way to be more patient with the kid. He has ADHD, and I know I should not get angry with him, but, predictably enough, trying hard not to get angry makes me.. you guessed.. ANGRY!

Today we went to a doctor. Not a regular doctor, a big name doctor which is almost unavailable to general public. I warned him before that doctor's time is valuable and that during his visit, we should focus on what matters and not get distracted. He understood, we agreed on that. We went to the doctor, and what did he do?? Tear apart the paper sheet from the exam table into thousands of pieces! Loudly!! Piece by piece! I'd grab one piece of paper from his hands, he'd reach for another!! I'd talk to him, make him look at me and make faces, I tried EVERYTHING!! Sometimes I think he is just pulling my leg, finding something that bothers me and sticks to it, that it's just sadistic on his part.

When we left the office (after spending 15 minutes cleaning up), I turned up to him and asked what the heck this is about. He said: " But Mooooom, I stopped immediately when you told me to! "

Arggggghhh!!!! Help me, please. I know I should not be angry with a kid with ADHD, but what do I do??

[Guest guest]

Hi Jane,

Try www.jofrost.com

Best regards,

Helena

Re: God, give me patience, NOW!To: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Wednesday, 16 February, 2011, 0:55

Please help me find a way to be more patient with the kid. He has ADHD, and I know I should not get angry with him, but, predictably enough, trying hard not to get angry makes me.. you guessed.. ANGRY!

Today we went to a doctor. Not a regular doctor, a big name doctor which is almost unavailable to general public. I warned him before that doctor's time is valuable and that during his visit, we should focus on what matters and not get distracted. He understood, we agreed on that. We went to the doctor, and what did he do?? Tear apart the paper sheet from the exam table into thousands of pieces! Loudly!! Piece by piece! I'd grab one piece of paper from his hands, he'd reach for another!! I'd talk to him, make him look at me and make faces, I tried EVERYTHING!! Sometimes I think he is just pulling my leg, finding something that bothers me and sticks to it, that it's just sadistic on his part.

When we left the office (after spending 15 minutes cleaning up), I turned up to him and asked what the heck this is about. He said: "But Mooooom, I stopped immediately when you told me to!"

Arggggghhh!!!! Help me, please. I know I should not be angry with a kid with ADHD, but what do I do??