Re: Intense feelings of anger and hurt

[Guest guest]

Hi BirgitYou asked if anyone else felt anything similar. I certainly do. I can give a recent example, and tell you how I dealt with it, in case it helpsLast week, a colleague and myself found out that we had both been rejected from joining a fairly prestigious group, which would look fantastic on our CVs. On Friday, I learned that our boss decided to help my colleague, by contacting the committee and pulling strings to get him in - and it worked. He didn't help me, I was told by email, because he felt I was junior to my colleague (in fact, we are the same grade, but I am younger). My mind was telling me that this was disgraceful treatment; it was ageist and favouritism of the worst kind, and that I should march into my boss's office and tell him exactly what I thought. I was just so f****

cross!!!!Well, I can't control my mind, but I can control my behaviour. I remembered that my mind always over-reacts at first. I sent a few texts to friends having a good vent, but otherwise I decided that if I needed to do anything, then I would do it after the weekend. I had a lot of thoughts over the weekend, but I defused them. I find defusion a whole lot easier if I tell my mind that I will promise to listen later. Weird, but it works for me!Today, I got in, and thought about it, as I promised my mind that I would. I still feel angry, but I decided on balance that kicking up a fuss would not help. I decided I would express my disappointment that I didn't get into the group, and that I was upset that I was considered so junior. My boss was understanding, but that was as far as it went.So, no happy ending, but I feel that it has passed under the bridge. I feel much

better. In the end, that will do.There's a funny moment in the kid's film The Lion King. One of the characters suddenly smacks another one in the face, without any provocation. The victim cried out: "what on earth was that for?". In reply: "it doesn't matter, it is in the past".(You'd have to watch it - doesn't sound as funny in words)This email has all been about me. I need to work on empathy....!Best wishes xSubject: Intense feelings of anger and hurtTo: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Tuesday, 15 February, 2011, 10:51

Hi all

I'm am struggling with some intense feelings of anger, hurt and feelings of not being heard.

I seem to be ok with all sorts of negative feelings to a certain level. I can allow them, feel them and recognize them for what they are. And I know that they will pass.

I even got my emotional eating fairly well under control.

But every now and again something happens, usually at work, where my feelings will escalate to an extreme level. It's usually anger. Someone treated me wrongly, or so I believe, and I feel angry.

I obsessively think about it and have ongoing discussions in my head with the person who in my eyes has done me wrong. It becomes all consuming, my thinking revolves around it almost exclusively and I find it hard to sleep.

Usually because I get so desperate for that person to understand me I call them or make contact in some way to explain myself. I think I would feel better if they just took a few steps in my direction and at least considered that they acted in a way that caused me all this pain. During these conversations I am rational and I even admit that maybe I have misunderstood or whatever.

Anyway the person in question will always , and I mean always, have a very cold reaction towards me and not do the tiniest thing to patch things up. I of course feel no better after the cold and brief conversation.

Anyway before this turns into a book my actual question is do any of you have similar experiences?

What do you do when no amount of mindfulness or diffusion helps?

I can allow the feelings but it is like I'm just about to explode. And this can last for days or weeks.

Thanks

Birgit

Sent from my iPhone

[Guest guest]

, I didn't see The Lion King but think I might rent it, just to get a look at that scene. So funny, and sooooooooo true!

Birgit, I'm going through something very similar with my family right now. Both sisters and a brother have practically shunned me due to a lie my one sister told them. She hung up on me when I called to let her know I had been admitted to the hospital two weeks ago. She is very sick and on lots of meds and is probably paranoid and within months of death, so I can forgive her and feel compassion for her. Still, I was stunned; I had no idea what she was mad about I crumpled in my bed and cried my heart out. But the other two will not hear anything I have to say, choosing to believe her, probably because they feel so sorry for her. When I try to explain, they shut me down and I can hear the judgment in their voices. We live too far apart to see each other in person, so I feel totally isolated, alone, and misunderstood.

Sorry for the sob story, but I wanted you to know that I totally identify with how you feel. I am having trouble sleeping, too, and there is a sick feeling in my stomach all the time, and my heart aches. Mindfulness and defusion are not working right now. I am in the reluctant acceptance stage (an oxymoron?).

I think the feeling of not being heard is one of the worst things feelings in the world. It's rejection. The only antidote is to accept and love yourself--and I dont' have a clue right now how to do that becuase the pain is so intense.

Helena

Intense feelings of anger and hurtTo: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Tuesday, 15 February, 2011, 10:51

Hi allI'm am struggling with some intense feelings of anger, hurt and feelings of not being heard. I seem to be ok with all sorts of negative feelings to a certain level. I can allow them, feel them and recognize them for what they are. And I know that they will pass. I even got my emotional eating fairly well under control. But every now and again something happens, usually at work, where my feelings will escalate to an extreme level. It's usually anger. Someone treated me wrongly, or so I believe, and I feel angry. I obsessively think about it and have ongoing discussions in my head with the person who in my eyes has done me wrong. It becomes all consuming, my thinking revolves around it almost exclusively and I find it hard to sleep. Usually because I get so desperate for that person to understand me I call them or make contact in some way to explain myself. I think I would feel better if they just took a few steps in my direction and at least considered that they acted in a way that caused me all this pain. During these conversations I am rational and I even admit that maybe I have misunderstood or whatever. Anyway the person in question will always , and I mean always, have a very cold reaction towards me and not do the tiniest thing to patch things up. I of course feel no better after the cold and brief conversation. Anyway before this turns into a book my actual question is do any of you have similar experiences? What do you do when no amount of mindfulness or diffusion helps? I can allow the feelings but it is like I'm just about to explode. And this can last for days or weeks. ThanksBirgit Sent from my iPhone

[Guest guest]

Thanks Helena and BruceIt does help to read your stories. I agree Helena rejection is an awful feeling, there's no way to reach out to that person, they just shut you out. I like the scene from The Lion King. Very funny. Sent from my iPhone

, I didn't see The Lion King but think I might rent it, just to get a look at that scene. So funny, and sooooooooo true!

Birgit, I'm going through something very similar with my family right now. Both sisters and a brother have practically shunned me due to a lie my one sister told them. She hung up on me when I called to let her know I had been admitted to the hospital two weeks ago. She is very sick and on lots of meds and is probably paranoid and within months of death, so I can forgive her and feel compassion for her. Still, I was stunned; I had no idea what she was mad about I crumpled in my bed and cried my heart out. But the other two will not hear anything I have to say, choosing to believe her, probably because they feel so sorry for her. When I try to explain, they shut me down and I can hear the judgment in their voices. We live too far apart to see each other in person, so I feel totally isolated, alone, and misunderstood.

Sorry for the sob story, but I wanted you to know that I totally identify with how you feel. I am having trouble sleeping, too, and there is a sick feeling in my stomach all the time, and my heart aches. Mindfulness and defusion are not working right now. I am in the reluctant acceptance stage (an oxymoron?).

I think the feeling of not being heard is one of the worst things feelings in the world. It's rejection. The only antidote is to accept and love yourself--and I dont' have a clue right now how to do that becuase the pain is so intense.

Helena

Intense feelings of anger and hurtTo: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Tuesday, 15 February, 2011, 10:51

Hi allI'm am struggling with some intense feelings of anger, hurt and feelings of not being heard. I seem to be ok with all sorts of negative feelings to a certain level. I can allow them, feel them and recognize them for what they are. And I know that they will pass. I even got my emotional eating fairly well under control. But every now and again something happens, usually at work, where my feelings will escalate to an extreme level. It's usually anger. Someone treated me wrongly, or so I believe, and I feel angry. I obsessively think about it and have ongoing discussions in my head with the person who in my eyes has done me wrong. It becomes all consuming, my thinking revolves around it almost exclusively and I find it hard to sleep. Usually because I get so desperate for that person to understand me I call them or make contact in some way to explain myself. I think I would feel better if they just took a few steps in my direction and at least considered that they acted in a way that caused me all this pain. During these conversations I am rational and I even admit that maybe I have misunderstood or whatever. Anyway the person in question will always , and I mean always, have a very cold reaction towards me and not do the tiniest thing to patch things up. I of course feel no better after the cold and brief conversation. Anyway before this turns into a book my actual question is do any of you have similar experiences? What do you do when no amount of mindfulness or diffusion helps? I can allow the feelings but it is like I'm just about to explode. And this can last for days or weeks. ThanksBirgit Sent from my iPhone

[Guest guest]

I looked for the clip, it's here....

x

Subject: Intense feelings of anger and hurtTo: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Tuesday, 15 February, 2011, 10:51

Hi allI'm am struggling with some intense feelings of anger, hurt and feelings of not being heard. I seem to be ok with all sorts of negative feelings to a certain level. I can allow them, feel them and recognize them for what they are. And I know that they will pass. I even got my emotional eating fairly well under control. But every now and again something happens, usually at work, where my feelings will escalate to an extreme level. It's usually anger. Someone treated me wrongly, or so I believe, and I feel angry. I obsessively think about it and have ongoing discussions in my head with the person who in my eyes has done me wrong. It becomes all consuming, my thinking revolves around it almost exclusively and I find it hard to sleep. Usually because I get so desperate for that person to understand me I call them or make contact in some way to explain myself. I think I would feel better if they just took a few steps

in my direction and at least considered that they acted in a way that caused me all this pain. During these conversations I am rational and I even admit that maybe I have misunderstood or whatever. Anyway the person in question will always , and I mean always, have a very cold reaction towards me and not do the tiniest thing to patch things up. I of course feel no better after the cold and brief conversation. Anyway before this turns into a book my actual question is do any of you have similar experiences? What do you do when no amount of mindfulness or diffusion helps? I can allow the feelings but it is like I'm just about to explode. And this can last for days or weeks. ThanksBirgit Sent from my iPhone

[Guest guest]

Hi Birgit,

I'm in the same group as you.

The defusion techniques have helped me but they don't end the thoughts. However, they do seem to let me get some space from them so I can concentrate on other things and sleep.

Part of the problem for me is that the obsessive thinking seems incredibly useful either by 1) generating useful ideas or 2) preparing me for an argument with my adversary.

So, I have to resolve to use the defusion techniques for this conviction of the utility of obsessing and also I have to undertake all defusion against the urge of this conviction (or with this urge).

I also try to use acceptance to explore any feelings which I may run into as a downstream consequence of the conflict. These consequences are always shame of being rejected, shame of being looked at as ill-tempered, etc. Also, the hurt and shame of being controlled or beaten or unfairly beaten by others. These are big big big feelings. The anxiety and the anger are also big feelings--but I think they do a good job of occluding my sightline to these shame-type feelings. The obsessive and anxious thinking tends to be right up in my face, but the object of this feeling-thinking seems to be organized around shame-feeling outcomes.

By the way, I don't think ACT is supposed to be a cure for the whole problem you describe. ACT can only give us some space to employ behaviors but it doesn't tell us what the behaviors are. How to win, lose, resolve, avoid workplace conflicts--I'm sure you've looked some of these up before but I think any solution to the problem you posted about will involve learning behaviors in this area.

Oki

To: ACT_for_the_Public Sent: Tue, February 15, 2011 2:51:08 AMSubject: Intense feelings of anger and hurt

Hi allI'm am struggling with some intense feelings of anger, hurt and feelings of not being heard. I seem to be ok with all sorts of negative feelings to a certain level. I can allow them, feel them and recognize them for what they are. And I know that they will pass. I even got my emotional eating fairly well under control. But every now and again something happens, usually at work, where my feelings will escalate to an extreme level. It's usually anger. Someone treated me wrongly, or so I believe, and I feel angry. I obsessively think about it and have ongoing discussions in my head with the person who in my eyes has done me wrong. It becomes all consuming, my thinking revolves around it almost exclusively and I find it hard to sleep. Usually because I get so desperate for that person to understand me I call them or make contact in some way to explain myself. I think I would feel better if they just took a few steps

in my direction and at least considered that they acted in a way that caused me all this pain. During these conversations I am rational and I even admit that maybe I have misunderstood or whatever. Anyway the person in question will always , and I mean always, have a very cold reaction towards me and not do the tiniest thing to patch things up. I of course feel no better after the cold and brief conversation. Anyway before this turns into a book my actual question is do any of you have similar experiences? What do you do when no amount of mindfulness or diffusion helps? I can allow the feelings but it is like I'm just about to explode. And this can last for days or weeks. ThanksBirgit Sent from my iPhone

[Guest guest]

Thank you for your reply OkiThe way you're describing the thought process and the feelings hits the nail on the head !I agree that learning more useful behavior around conflict is a separate matter. Sent from my iPhone

Hi Birgit,

I'm in the same group as you.

The defusion techniques have helped me but they don't end the thoughts. However, they do seem to let me get some space from them so I can concentrate on other things and sleep.

Part of the problem for me is that the obsessive thinking seems incredibly useful either by 1) generating useful ideas or 2) preparing me for an argument with my adversary.

So, I have to resolve to use the defusion techniques for this conviction of the utility of obsessing and also I have to undertake all defusion against the urge of this conviction (or with this urge).

I also try to use acceptance to explore any feelings which I may run into as a downstream consequence of the conflict. These consequences are always shame of being rejected, shame of being looked at as ill-tempered, etc. Also, the hurt and shame of being controlled or beaten or unfairly beaten by others. These are big big big feelings. The anxiety and the anger are also big feelings--but I think they do a good job of occluding my sightline to these shame-type feelings. The obsessive and anxious thinking tends to be right up in my face, but the object of this feeling-thinking seems to be organized around shame-feeling outcomes.

By the way, I don't think ACT is supposed to be a cure for the whole problem you describe. ACT can only give us some space to employ behaviors but it doesn't tell us what the behaviors are. How to win, lose, resolve, avoid workplace conflicts--I'm sure you've looked some of these up before but I think any solution to the problem you posted about will involve learning behaviors in this area.

Oki

To: ACT_for_the_Public Sent: Tue, February 15, 2011 2:51:08 AMSubject: Intense feelings of anger and hurt

Hi allI'm am struggling with some intense feelings of anger, hurt and feelings of not being heard. I seem to be ok with all sorts of negative feelings to a certain level. I can allow them, feel them and recognize them for what they are. And I know that they will pass. I even got my emotional eating fairly well under control. But every now and again something happens, usually at work, where my feelings will escalate to an extreme level. It's usually anger. Someone treated me wrongly, or so I believe, and I feel angry. I obsessively think about it and have ongoing discussions in my head with the person who in my eyes has done me wrong. It becomes all consuming, my thinking revolves around it almost exclusively and I find it hard to sleep. Usually because I get so desperate for that person to understand me I call them or make contact in some way to explain myself. I think I would feel better if they just took a few steps

in my direction and at least considered that they acted in a way that caused me all this pain. During these conversations I am rational and I even admit that maybe I have misunderstood or whatever. Anyway the person in question will always , and I mean always, have a very cold reaction towards me and not do the tiniest thing to patch things up. I of course feel no better after the cold and brief conversation. Anyway before this turns into a book my actual question is do any of you have similar experiences? What do you do when no amount of mindfulness or diffusion helps? I can allow the feelings but it is like I'm just about to explode. And this can last for days or weeks. ThanksBirgit Sent from my iPhone

[Guest guest]

That must be tough Helena, you always think that family will give you the benefit of the doubt. I do see enough of families in general though to know that they can be a place where more wars go on than anywhere else. I really hope that your sisters and brothers come round. By the way, are you okay? I ask because of the hospital bit.Birgit, the only thing I can say, is that when it comes to other people, there is little we can control. Maybe when you feel you need to call that person you could do an exercise of the type "urge surfing", and observe what's going on inside you when you feel compelled to ring and speak to them. It sounds though like they don't deserve your attention, maybe you could work with not buying into any thoughts, feelings ect related to this person and put your behaviours in other valued

paths. XXX______________________Signature: Mrs Em Equanimity This is my personal blog where I record my experience applying Acceptance Commitment Therapy to my anxiety and agoraphobia in particular, and my life in general. Feel free to browse. http://eyeofthehurricane-act.blogspot.com/--- El mar, 15/2/11, hbbr escribió:De: hbbr

Asunto: Re: Intense feelings of anger and hurtPara: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Fecha: martes, 15 de febrero, 2011 12:14

, I didn't see The Lion King but think I might rent it, just to get a look at that scene. So funny, and sooooooooo true!

Birgit, I'm going through something very similar with my family right now. Both sisters and a brother have practically shunned me due to a lie my one sister told them. She hung up on me when I called to let her know I had been admitted to the hospital two weeks ago. She is very sick and on lots of meds and is probably paranoid and within months of death, so I can forgive her and feel compassion for her. Still, I was stunned; I had no idea what she was mad about I crumpled in my bed and cried my heart out. But the other two will not hear anything I have to say, choosing to believe her, probably because they feel so sorry for her. When I try to explain, they shut me down and I can hear the judgment in their voices. We live too far apart to see each other in person, so I feel totally isolated, alone, and misunderstood.

Sorry for the sob story, but I wanted you to know that I totally identify with how you feel. I am having trouble sleeping, too, and there is a sick feeling in my stomach all the time, and my heart aches. Mindfulness and defusion are not working right now. I am in the reluctant acceptance stage (an oxymoron?).

I think the feeling of not being heard is one of the worst things feelings in the world. It's rejection. The only antidote is to accept and love yourself--and I dont' have a clue right now how to do that becuase the pain is so intense.

Helena

Intense feelings of anger and hurtTo: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Tuesday, 15 February, 2011, 10:51

Hi allI'm am struggling with some intense feelings of anger, hurt and feelings of not being heard. I seem to be ok with all sorts of negative feelings to a certain level. I can allow them, feel them and recognize them for what they are. And I know that they will pass. I even got my emotional eating fairly well under control. But every now and again something happens, usually at work, where my feelings will escalate to an extreme level. It's usually anger. Someone treated me wrongly, or so I believe, and I feel angry. I obsessively think about it and have ongoing discussions in my head with the person who in my eyes has done me wrong. It becomes all consuming, my thinking revolves around it almost exclusively and I find it hard to sleep. Usually because I get so desperate for that person to understand me I call them or make contact in some way to explain myself. I think I would feel better if they just took a few steps

in my direction and at least considered that they acted in a way that caused me all this pain. During these conversations I am rational and I even admit that maybe I have misunderstood or whatever. Anyway the person in question will always , and I mean always, have a very cold reaction towards me and not do the tiniest thing to patch things up. I of course feel no better after the cold and brief conversation. Anyway before this turns into a book my actual question is do any of you have similar experiences? What do you do when no amount of mindfulness or diffusion helps? I can allow the feelings but it is like I'm just about to explode. And this can last for days or weeks. ThanksBirgit Sent from my iPhone

[Guest guest]

Hey Thanks for your reply. By the way I really like reading your blog. Quite courageous to share your thoughts and feelings with the world : ) Birgit Sent from my iPhone

That must be tough Helena, you always think that family will give you the benefit of the doubt. I do see enough of families in general though to know that they can be a place where more wars go on than anywhere else. I really hope that your sisters and brothers come round. By the way, are you okay? I ask because of the hospital bit.Birgit, the only thing I can say, is that when it comes to other people, there is little we can control. Maybe when you feel you need to call that person you could do an exercise of the type "urge surfing", and observe what's going on inside you when you feel compelled to ring and speak to them. It sounds though like they don't deserve your attention, maybe you could work with not buying into any thoughts, feelings ect related to this person and put your behaviours in other valued

paths. XXX______________________Signature: Mrs Em Equanimity This is my personal blog where I record my experience applying Acceptance Commitment Therapy to my anxiety and agoraphobia in particular, and my life in general. Feel free to browse. http://eyeofthehurricane-act.blogspot.com/--- El mar, 15/2/11, hbbr escribió:De: hbbr

Asunto: Re: Intense feelings of anger and hurtPara: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Fecha: martes, 15 de febrero, 2011 12:14

, I didn't see The Lion King but think I might rent it, just to get a look at that scene. So funny, and sooooooooo true!

Birgit, I'm going through something very similar with my family right now. Both sisters and a brother have practically shunned me due to a lie my one sister told them. She hung up on me when I called to let her know I had been admitted to the hospital two weeks ago. She is very sick and on lots of meds and is probably paranoid and within months of death, so I can forgive her and feel compassion for her. Still, I was stunned; I had no idea what she was mad about I crumpled in my bed and cried my heart out. But the other two will not hear anything I have to say, choosing to believe her, probably because they feel so sorry for her. When I try to explain, they shut me down and I can hear the judgment in their voices. We live too far apart to see each other in person, so I feel totally isolated, alone, and misunderstood.

Sorry for the sob story, but I wanted you to know that I totally identify with how you feel. I am having trouble sleeping, too, and there is a sick feeling in my stomach all the time, and my heart aches. Mindfulness and defusion are not working right now. I am in the reluctant acceptance stage (an oxymoron?).

I think the feeling of not being heard is one of the worst things feelings in the world. It's rejection. The only antidote is to accept and love yourself--and I dont' have a clue right now how to do that becuase the pain is so intense.

Helena

Intense feelings of anger and hurtTo: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Tuesday, 15 February, 2011, 10:51

Hi allI'm am struggling with some intense feelings of anger, hurt and feelings of not being heard. I seem to be ok with all sorts of negative feelings to a certain level. I can allow them, feel them and recognize them for what they are. And I know that they will pass. I even got my emotional eating fairly well under control. But every now and again something happens, usually at work, where my feelings will escalate to an extreme level. It's usually anger. Someone treated me wrongly, or so I believe, and I feel angry. I obsessively think about it and have ongoing discussions in my head with the person who in my eyes has done me wrong. It becomes all consuming, my thinking revolves around it almost exclusively and I find it hard to sleep. Usually because I get so desperate for that person to understand me I call them or make contact in some way to explain myself. I think I would feel better if they just took a few steps

in my direction and at least considered that they acted in a way that caused me all this pain. During these conversations I am rational and I even admit that maybe I have misunderstood or whatever. Anyway the person in question will always , and I mean always, have a very cold reaction towards me and not do the tiniest thing to patch things up. I of course feel no better after the cold and brief conversation. Anyway before this turns into a book my actual question is do any of you have similar experiences? What do you do when no amount of mindfulness or diffusion helps? I can allow the feelings but it is like I'm just about to explode. And this can last for days or weeks. ThanksBirgit Sent from my iPhone

[Guest guest]

thank you so much XXX______________________Signature: Mrs Em Equanimity This is my personal blog where I record my experience applying Acceptance Commitment Therapy to my anxiety and agoraphobia in particular, and my life in general. Feel free to browse. http://eyeofthehurricane-act.blogspot.com/--- El mié, 16/2/11, Birgit Werner escribió:De: Birgit Werner Asunto: Re: Intense feelings of anger and hurtPara: "ACT_for_the_Public " <ACT_for_the_Public >Fecha: miércoles, 16 de febrero, 2011 12:47

Hey Thanks for your reply. By the way I really like reading your blog. Quite courageous to share your thoughts and feelings with the world : ) Birgit Sent from my iPhone

That must be tough Helena, you always think that family will give you the benefit of the doubt. I do see enough of families in general though to know that they can be a place where more wars go on than anywhere else. I really hope that your sisters and brothers come round. By the way, are you okay? I ask because of the hospital bit.Birgit, the only thing I can say, is that when it comes to other people, there is little we can control. Maybe when you feel you need to call that person you could do an exercise of the type "urge surfing", and observe what's going on inside you when you feel compelled to ring and speak to them. It sounds though like they don't deserve your attention, maybe you could work with not buying into any thoughts, feelings ect related to this person and put your behaviours in other valued

paths. XXX______________________Signature: Mrs Em Equanimity This is my personal blog where I record my experience applying Acceptance Commitment Therapy to my anxiety and agoraphobia in particular, and my life in general. Feel free to browse. http://eyeofthehurricane-act.blogspot.com/--- El mar, 15/2/11, hbbr escribió:De: hbbr

Asunto: Re: Intense feelings of anger and hurtPara: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Fecha: martes, 15 de febrero, 2011 12:14

, I didn't see The Lion King but think I might rent it, just to get a look at that scene. So funny, and sooooooooo true!

Birgit, I'm going through something very similar with my family right now. Both sisters and a brother have practically shunned me due to a lie my one sister told them. She hung up on me when I called to let her know I had been admitted to the hospital two weeks ago. She is very sick and on lots of meds and is probably paranoid and within months of death, so I can forgive her and feel compassion for her. Still, I was stunned; I had no idea what she was mad about I crumpled in my bed and cried my heart out. But the other two will not hear anything I have to say, choosing to believe her, probably because they feel so sorry for her. When I try to explain, they shut me down and I can hear the judgment in their voices. We live too far apart to see each other in person, so I feel totally isolated, alone, and misunderstood.

Sorry for the sob story, but I wanted you to know that I totally identify with how you feel. I am having trouble sleeping, too, and there is a sick feeling in my stomach all the time, and my heart aches. Mindfulness and defusion are not working right now. I am in the reluctant acceptance stage (an oxymoron?).

I think the feeling of not being heard is one of the worst things feelings in the world. It's rejection. The only antidote is to accept and love yourself--and I dont' have a clue right now how to do that becuase the pain is so intense.

Helena

Intense feelings of anger and hurtTo: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Tuesday, 15 February, 2011, 10:51

Hi allI'm am struggling with some intense feelings of anger, hurt and feelings of not being heard. I seem to be ok with all sorts of negative feelings to a certain level. I can allow them, feel them and recognize them for what they are. And I know that they will pass. I even got my emotional eating fairly well under control. But every now and again something happens, usually at work, where my feelings will escalate to an extreme level. It's usually anger. Someone treated me wrongly, or so I believe, and I feel angry. I obsessively think about it and have ongoing discussions in my head with the person who in my eyes has done me wrong. It becomes all consuming, my thinking revolves around it almost exclusively and I find it hard to sleep. Usually because I get so desperate for that person to understand me I call them or make contact in some way to explain myself. I think I would feel better if they just took a few steps

in my direction and at least considered that they acted in a way that caused me all this pain. During these conversations I am rational and I even admit that maybe I have misunderstood or whatever. Anyway the person in question will always , and I mean always, have a very cold reaction towards me and not do the tiniest thing to patch things up. I of course feel no better after the cold and brief conversation. Anyway before this turns into a book my actual question is do any of you have similar experiences? What do you do when no amount of mindfulness or diffusion helps? I can allow the feelings but it is like I'm just about to explode. And this can last for days or weeks. ThanksBirgit Sent from my iPhone

[Guest guest]

Sounds like your anger and hurt is being generated from the belief that this

person " should " be responsive to your emotional needs and act accordingly

While it's sounds great in theory, it isn't reality

Drop that

Your suffering is being caused by you, not them

>

> Hi all

>

> I'm am struggling with some intense feelings of anger, hurt and feelings of

not being heard.

> I seem to be ok with all sorts of negative feelings to a certain level. I can

allow them, feel them and recognize them for what they are. And I know that they

will pass.

> I even got my emotional eating fairly well under control.

>

> But every now and again something happens, usually at work, where my feelings

will escalate to an extreme level. It's usually anger. Someone treated me

wrongly, or so I believe, and I feel angry.

> I obsessively think about it and have ongoing discussions in my head with the

person who in my eyes has done me wrong. It becomes all consuming, my thinking

revolves around it almost exclusively and I find it hard to sleep.

> Usually because I get so desperate for that person to understand me I call

them or make contact in some way to explain myself. I think I would feel better

if they just took a few steps in my direction and at least considered that they

acted in a way that caused me all this pain. During these conversations I am

rational and I even admit that maybe I have misunderstood or whatever.

> Anyway the person in question will always , and I mean always, have a very

cold reaction towards me and not do the tiniest thing to patch things up. I of

course feel no better after the cold and brief conversation.

>

> Anyway before this turns into a book my actual question is do any of you have

similar experiences?

> What do you do when no amount of mindfulness or diffusion helps?

> I can allow the feelings but it is like I'm just about to explode. And this

can last for days or weeks.

>

> Thanks

> Birgit

>

>

> Sent from my iPhone

>

[Guest guest]

Hi,

Caught a couple of things I thought I'd respond to with the hope it may be

useful. If not, toss out.

Re: " I think the feeling of not being heard is one of the worst things feelings

in the world. It's rejection. "

I think when I feel I haven't been heard or understood (whether it's true or

imagined) is one of my key suffering areas.

It feels like I'm not there, invisible. Very painful and prevalent at times..

It calls forth an ancient pain that I also call 'rejection', yet it's important

for me to remember it's not rejection as a fact, as my mind says it is, as my

mind labels it.

It's more accurate a feeling or fact of not being heard or understood.

What helps me is to try backing up some and stay with the pain, with the

experience-- rather than developing a narrative about it.

Re: " The only antidote is to accept and love yourself--and I dont' have a clue

right now how to do that becuase the pain is so intense. "

I think that honoring and noting the pain is a form of acceptance and

self-compassion, as is your very noting what is going on, posting about your

experience here an active form of defusion.

I wonder too if how I define " loving myself "

becomes part of the suffering, albeit un-intentionally.

And I'm not convinced there is only one antidote to our suffering.

That could also be another tricky trap, a way to paint myself in a corner.

Just some thoughts from my own experience.

peace,

Terry

>

>

>

>

> Subject: Intense feelings of anger and hurt

> To: ACT_for_the_Public

> Date: Tuesday, 15 February, 2011, 10:51

>

>

>  

>

>

> Hi all

>

> I'm am struggling with some intense feelings of anger, hurt and feelings of

not being heard.

> I seem to be ok with all sorts of negative feelings to a certain level. I can

allow them, feel them and recognize them for what they are. And I know that they

will pass.

> I even got my emotional eating fairly well under control.

>

> But every now and again something happens, usually at work, where my feelings

will escalate to an extreme level. It's usually anger. Someone treated me

wrongly, or so I believe, and I feel angry.

> I obsessively think about it and have ongoing discussions in my head with the

person who in my eyes has done me wrong. It becomes all consuming, my thinking

revolves around it almost exclusively and I find it hard to sleep.

> Usually because I get so desperate for that person to understand me I call

them or make contact in some way to explain myself. I think I would feel better

if they just took a few steps in my direction and at least considered that they

acted in a way that caused me all this pain. During these conversations I am

rational and I even admit that maybe I have misunderstood or whatever.

> Anyway the person in question will always , and I mean always, have a very

cold reaction towards me and not do the tiniest thing to patch things up. I of

course feel no better after the cold and brief conversation.

>

> Anyway before this turns into a book my actual question is do any of you have

similar experiences?

> What do you do when no amount of mindfulness or diffusion helps?

> I can allow the feelings but it is like I'm just about to explode. And this

can last for days or weeks.

>

> Thanks

> Birgit

>

> Sent from my iPhone

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you, Miss Em. As far as my family is concerned, I have decided to send them cards and letters instead of making phone calls or sending emails, keeping it light ... for now. That way they will know I love them and am thinking about them while eliminating any possibility for friction or being misunderstood. I sent each of them a valentine but no one has responded yet.

I was in the hospital for five days this time -- acute pancreatitis -- which I've had three times in the past two years. I will be following up with a couple of specialists to see what's causing it since the docs don't have a clue. It was sweet of you to ask. I hope they can find and fix the cause because it's very painful and hits suddenly out of the blue : (

Helena

That must be tough Helena, you always think that family will give you the benefit of the doubt. I do see enough of families in general though to know that they can be a place where more wars go on than anywhere else. I really hope that your sisters and brothers come round. By the way, are you okay? I ask because of the hospital bit.

______________________

Signature: Mrs Em Equanimity

Birgit, I'm going through something very similar with my family right now. Both sisters and a brother have practically shunned me due to a lie my one sister told them. She hung up on me when I called to let her know I had been admitted to the hospital two weeks ago. She is very sick and on lots of meds and is probably paranoid and within months of death, so I can forgive her and feel compassion for her. Still, I was stunned; I had no idea what she was mad about I crumpled in my bed and cried my heart out. But the other two will not hear anything I have to say, choosing to believe her, probably because they feel so sorry for her. When I try to explain, they shut me down and I can hear the judgment in their voices. We live too far apart to see each other in person, so I feel totally isolated, alone, and misunderstood.

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Terry. Some useful things to think about, especially this: "I think that honoring and noting the pain is a form of acceptance and self-compassion, as is your very noting what is going on, posting about your experience here an active form of defusion." I think you're right. I did honor and note the pain, then shared the experience, which is all I was capable of in that moment. Sometimes that is enough. That's a good one to remember--maybe I'll write it down and put it in my ACT purse (when I get one)!

Helena

Caught a couple of things I thought I'd respond to with the hope it may be useful. If not, toss out.Re: "I think the feeling of not being heard is one of the worst things feelings in the world. It's rejection." I think when I feel I haven't been heard or understood (whether it's true or imagined) is one of my key suffering areas. It feels like I'm not there, invisible. Very painful and prevalent at times..It calls forth an ancient pain that I also call 'rejection', yet it's important for me to remember it's not rejection as a fact, as my mind says it is, as my mind labels it. It's more accurate a feeling or fact of not being heard or understood. What helps me is to try backing up some and stay with the pain, with the experience-- rather than developing a narrative about it. Re: "The only antidote is to accept and love yourself--and I dont' have a clue right now how to do that becuase the pain is so intense."I think that honoring and noting the pain is a form of acceptance and self-compassion, as is your very noting what is going on, posting about your experience here an active form of defusion.I wonder too if how I define "loving myself" becomes part of the suffering, albeit un-intentionally. And I'm not convinced there is only one antidote to our suffering. That could also be another tricky trap, a way to paint myself in a corner. Just some thoughts from my own experience. peace,Terry

[Guest guest]

The phrase "honoring and noting the pain" hit home with me just now. It was what I needed to hear in this moment. Thanks for that.Thanks, Terry. Some useful things to think about, especially this: "I think that honoring and noting the pain is a form of acceptance and self-compassion, as is your very noting what is going on, posting about your experience here an active form of defusion." I think you're right. I did honor and note the pain, then shared the experience, which is all I was capable of in that moment. Sometimes that is enough. That's a good one to remember--maybe I'll write it down and put it in my ACT purse (when I get one)! HelenaCaught a couple of things I thought I'd respond to with the hope it may be useful. If not, toss out.Re: "I think the feeling of not being heard is one of the worst things feelings in the world. It's rejection." I think when I feel I haven't been heard or understood (whether it's true or imagined) is one of my key suffering areas. It feels like I'm not there, invisible. Very painful and prevalent at times..It calls forth an ancient pain that I also call 'rejection', yet it's important for me to remember it's not rejection as a fact, as my mind says it is, as my mind labels it. It's more accurate a feeling or fact of not being heard or understood. What helps me is to try backing up some and stay with the pain, with the experience-- rather than developing a narrative about it. Re: "The only antidote is to accept and love yourself--and I dont' have a clue right now how to do that becuase the pain is so intense."I think that honoring and noting the pain is a form of acceptance and self-compassion, as is your very noting what is going on, posting about your experience here an active form of defusion.I wonder too if how I define "loving myself" becomes part of the suffering, albeit un-intentionally. And I'm not convinced there is only one antidote to our suffering. That could also be another tricky trap, a way to paint myself in a corner. Just some thoughts from my own experience. peace,Terry

[Guest guest]

Yep --that's a keeper! Thanks, Terry! Re: Re: Intense feelings of anger and hurt

The phrase "honoring and noting the pain" hit home with me just now. It was what I needed to hear in this moment. Thanks for that.

Thanks, Terry. Some useful things to think about, especially this: "I think that honoring and noting the pain is a form of acceptance and self-compassion, as is your very noting what is going on, posting about your experience here an active form of defusion." I think you're right. I did honor and note the pain, then shared the experience, which is all I was capable of in that moment. Sometimes that is enough. That's a good one to remember--maybe I'll write it down and put it in my ACT purse (when I get one)!

Helena

Caught a couple of things I thought I'd respond to with the hope it may be useful. If not, toss out.Re: "I think the feeling of not being heard is one of the worst things feelings in the world. It's rejection." I think when I feel I haven't been heard or understood (whether it's true or imagined) is one of my key suffering areas. It feels like I'm not there, invisible. Very painful and prevalent at times..It calls forth an ancient pain that I also call 'rejection', yet it's important for me to remember it's not rejection as a fact, as my mind says it is, as my mind labels it. It's more accurate a feeling or fact of not being heard or understood. What helps me is to try backing up some and stay with the pain, with the experience-- rather than developing a narrative about it. Re: "The only antidote is to accept and love yourself--and I dont' have a clue right now how to do that becuase the pain is so intense."I think that honoring and noting the pain is a form of acceptance and self-compassion, as is your very noting what is going on, posting about your experience here an active form of defusion.I wonder too if how I define "loving myself" becomes part of the suffering, albeit un-intentionally. And I'm not convinced there is only one antidote to our suffering. That could also be another tricky trap, a way to paint myself in a corner. Just some thoughts from my own experience. peace,Terry

[Guest guest]

This has been such a helpful thread to read. Just what I need right now.My issue isn't a workplace conflict but talking about rejection and shame hits home for me right now.I'm agoraphobic and was just placed on disability. It's been a very trying couple weeks. I have to move in the near future (while my driving is still restricted), find part-time work to supplement my reduced income, etc., and am feeling overwhelmed. During all this, I have reached out to my closest friend. He has been a good friend to me. I asked him for help (driving me to my workplace so I can clean out my office), but when I asked him for a definite date (so I could inform my employer), he called me passive-aggressive. I refused to buy that label, but anger resulted nonetheless, as I felt it was unfair. But really, it goes deeper, to feeling rejected by someone I feel I need to rely on, as I cannot drive the distance to work (I'm doing gradual exposure therapy along with ACT). Anyhow, I feel deep shame that I am not worth helping (in my mind), and even more shame that I cannot just drive myself like " normal " people. I admit that I have not made much effort to defuse from these thoughts or accept these feelings.

Anyhow, reading these posts has been helpful. Of course, my mind tells me that these words aren't any more useful than the negative ones my mind keeps feeding me ... what a trap!~ lisa

 

Hi,

Caught a couple of things I thought I'd respond to with the hope it may be useful. If not, toss out.

Re: " I think the feeling of not being heard is one of the worst things feelings in the world. It's rejection. "

I think when I feel I haven't been heard or understood (whether it's true or imagined) is one of my key suffering areas.

It feels like I'm not there, invisible. Very painful and prevalent at times..

It calls forth an ancient pain that I also call 'rejection', yet it's important for me to remember it's not rejection as a fact, as my mind says it is, as my mind labels it.

It's more accurate a feeling or fact of not being heard or understood.

What helps me is to try backing up some and stay with the pain, with the experience-- rather than developing a narrative about it.

Re: " The only antidote is to accept and love yourself--and I dont' have a clue right now how to do that becuase the pain is so intense. "

I think that honoring and noting the pain is a form of acceptance and self-compassion, as is your very noting what is going on, posting about your experience here an active form of defusion.

I wonder too if how I define " loving myself "

becomes part of the suffering, albeit un-intentionally.

And I'm not convinced there is only one antidote to our suffering.

That could also be another tricky trap, a way to paint myself in a corner.

Just some thoughts from my own experience.

peace,

Terry

>

>

>

>

> Subject: Intense feelings of anger and hurt

> To: ACT_for_the_Public

> Date: Tuesday, 15 February, 2011, 10:51

>

>

>  

>

>

> Hi all

>

> I'm am struggling with some intense feelings of anger, hurt and feelings of not being heard.

> I seem to be ok with all sorts of negative feelings to a certain level. I can allow them, feel them and recognize them for what they are. And I know that they will pass.

> I even got my emotional eating fairly well under control.

>

> But every now and again something happens, usually at work, where my feelings will escalate to an extreme level. It's usually anger. Someone treated me wrongly, or so I believe, and I feel angry.

> I obsessively think about it and have ongoing discussions in my head with the person who in my eyes has done me wrong. It becomes all consuming, my thinking revolves around it almost exclusively and I find it hard to sleep.

> Usually because I get so desperate for that person to understand me I call them or make contact in some way to explain myself. I think I would feel better if they just took a few steps in my direction and at least considered that they acted in a way that caused me all this pain. During these conversations I am rational and I even admit that maybe I have misunderstood or whatever.

> Anyway the person in question will always , and I mean always, have a very cold reaction towards me and not do the tiniest thing to patch things up. I of course feel no better after the cold and brief conversation.

>

> Anyway before this turns into a book my actual question is do any of you have similar experiences?

> What do you do when no amount of mindfulness or diffusion helps?

> I can allow the feelings but it is like I'm just about to explode. And this can last for days or weeks.

>

> Thanks

> Birgit

>

> Sent from my iPhone

>

[Guest guest]

Very sorry to hear that, it sounds very painful. Hopefully your doctors can get to the bottom of it very soon. XXXXX______________________Signature: Mrs Em Equanimity This is my personal blog where I record my experience applying Acceptance Commitment Therapy to my anxiety and agoraphobia in particular, and my life in general. Feel free to browse. http://eyeofthehurricane-act.blogspot.com/--- El mié, 16/2/11, hbbr

Asunto: Re: Intense feelings of anger and hurtPara: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Fecha: miércoles, 16 de febrero, 2011 22:18

Thank you, Miss Em. As far as my family is concerned, I have decided to send them cards and letters instead of making phone calls or sending emails, keeping it light ... for now. That way they will know I love them and am thinking about them while eliminating any possibility for friction or being misunderstood. I sent each of them a valentine but no one has responded yet.

I was in the hospital for five days this time -- acute pancreatitis -- which I've had three times in the past two years. I will be following up with a couple of specialists to see what's causing it since the docs don't have a clue. It was sweet of you to ask. I hope they can find and fix the cause because it's very painful and hits suddenly out of the blue : (

Helena

That must be tough Helena, you always think that family will give you the benefit of the doubt. I do see enough of families in general though to know that they can be a place where more wars go on than anywhere else. I really hope that your sisters and brothers come round. By the way, are you okay? I ask because of the hospital bit.

______________________

Signature: Mrs Em Equanimity

Birgit, I'm going through something very similar with my family right now. Both sisters and a brother have practically shunned me due to a lie my one sister told them. She hung up on me when I called to let her know I had been admitted to the hospital two weeks ago. She is very sick and on lots of meds and is probably paranoid and within months of death, so I can forgive her and feel compassion for her. Still, I was stunned; I had no idea what she was mad about I crumpled in my bed and cried my heart out. But the other two will not hear anything I have to say, choosing to believe her, probably because they feel so sorry for her. When I try to explain, they shut me down and I can hear the judgment in their voices. We live too far apart to see each other in person, so I feel totally isolated, alone, and

misunderstood.

[Guest guest]

I think one of the worse things about agoraphobia is the dependency. I value independence, so its a great value to move towards when recovering from agoraphobia.We feel very vulnerable, because of our sensitized state, because we feel naked in our fear. In this state you have to ask of others, and any unexpected answer can knock you back and create great feelings of hurt, its like being cut when we are but a open wound. Maybe instead of getting caught up in the hurt, you can speak to your friend again, and be

clear in your intentions. Feel compassion for your friend as well as for yourself, its not always easy being the person that is depended on. Explain kindly why it would be good to have a definite date: because of your employer . Ask your friend if there is anything you could do in return. You can acknowledge that you hurt more than people do averagely, due to how you are at the moment. Have patience with others, and mostly with yourself.I have been very dependent in the past so I do understand you. I also know what it feels like when you are let down. Now when I look back I can see how much I wanted of others, without really looking at myself and what I could be doing for me or others.I think in the pain of the strategy of dependency not working for you, you can find a lot about what you value.Take care XXX______________________Signature: Mrs Em Equanimity This is my personal blog where I record my experience applying Acceptance Commitment Therapy to my anxiety and agoraphobia in particular, and my life in general. Feel free to browse. http://eyeofthehurricane-act.blogspot.com/--- El mié, 16/2/11, Ann escribió:De: Ann Asunto: Re: Re: Intense feelings of anger and hurtPara: ACT_for_the_Public Fecha: miércoles, 16 de febrero, 2011 22:47

This has been such a helpful thread to read. Just what I need right now.My issue isn't a workplace conflict but talking about rejection and shame hits home for me right now.I'm agoraphobic and was just placed on disability. It's been a very trying couple weeks. I have to move in the near future (while my driving is still restricted), find part-time work to supplement my reduced income, etc., and am feeling overwhelmed. During all this, I have reached out to my closest friend. He has been a good friend to me. I asked him for help (driving me to my workplace so I can clean out my office), but when I asked him for a definite date (so I could inform my employer), he called me passive-aggressive. I refused to buy that label, but anger resulted nonetheless, as I felt it was unfair. But really, it goes deeper, to feeling rejected by someone I feel I need to rely on, as I cannot drive the distance to work (I'm doing gradual exposure

therapy along with ACT). Anyhow, I feel deep shame that I am not worth helping (in my mind), and even more shame that I cannot just drive myself like "normal" people. I admit that I have not made much effort to defuse from these thoughts or accept these feelings.

Anyhow, reading these posts has been helpful. Of course, my mind tells me that these words aren't any more useful than the negative ones my mind keeps feeding me ... what a trap!~ lisa

Hi,

Caught a couple of things I thought I'd respond to with the hope it may be useful. If not, toss out.

Re: "I think the feeling of not being heard is one of the worst things feelings in the world. It's rejection."

I think when I feel I haven't been heard or understood (whether it's true or imagined) is one of my key suffering areas.

It feels like I'm not there, invisible. Very painful and prevalent at times..

It calls forth an ancient pain that I also call 'rejection', yet it's important for me to remember it's not rejection as a fact, as my mind says it is, as my mind labels it.

It's more accurate a feeling or fact of not being heard or understood.

What helps me is to try backing up some and stay with the pain, with the experience-- rather than developing a narrative about it.

Re: "The only antidote is to accept and love yourself--and I dont' have a clue right now how to do that becuase the pain is so intense."

I think that honoring and noting the pain is a form of acceptance and self-compassion, as is your very noting what is going on, posting about your experience here an active form of defusion.

I wonder too if how I define "loving myself"

becomes part of the suffering, albeit un-intentionally.

And I'm not convinced there is only one antidote to our suffering.

That could also be another tricky trap, a way to paint myself in a corner.

Just some thoughts from my own experience.

peace,

Terry

>

>

>

>

> Subject: Intense feelings of anger and hurt

> To: ACT_for_the_Public

> Date: Tuesday, 15 February, 2011, 10:51

>

>

> Â

>

>

> Hi all

>

> I'm am struggling with some intense feelings of anger, hurt and feelings of not being heard.

> I seem to be ok with all sorts of negative feelings to a certain level. I can allow them, feel them and recognize them for what they are. And I know that they will pass.

> I even got my emotional eating fairly well under control.

>

> But every now and again something happens, usually at work, where my feelings will escalate to an extreme level. It's usually anger. Someone treated me wrongly, or so I believe, and I feel angry.

> I obsessively think about it and have ongoing discussions in my head with the person who in my eyes has done me wrong. It becomes all consuming, my thinking revolves around it almost exclusively and I find it hard to sleep.

> Usually because I get so desperate for that person to understand me I call them or make contact in some way to explain myself. I think I would feel better if they just took a few steps in my direction and at least considered that they acted in a way that caused me all this pain. During these conversations I am rational and I even admit that maybe I have misunderstood or whatever.

> Anyway the person in question will always , and I mean always, have a very cold reaction towards me and not do the tiniest thing to patch things up. I of course feel no better after the cold and brief conversation.

>

> Anyway before this turns into a book my actual question is do any of you have similar experiences?

> What do you do when no amount of mindfulness or diffusion helps?

> I can allow the feelings but it is like I'm just about to explode. And this can last for days or weeks.

>

> Thanks

> Birgit

>

> Sent from my iPhone

>

[Guest guest]

Terry,I also wanted to respond to what you said about narrative. As a lover of language, it is so easy for me to fall into that trap of creating a narrative about my feelings (as my life story is something I've always focused on in therapy and in my writing), rather than to simply feel them. Thank you for expressing it that way.

~ lisa

 

Hi,

Caught a couple of things I thought I'd respond to with the hope it may be useful. If not, toss out.

Re: " I think the feeling of not being heard is one of the worst things feelings in the world. It's rejection. "

I think when I feel I haven't been heard or understood (whether it's true or imagined) is one of my key suffering areas.

It feels like I'm not there, invisible. Very painful and prevalent at times..

It calls forth an ancient pain that I also call 'rejection', yet it's important for me to remember it's not rejection as a fact, as my mind says it is, as my mind labels it.

It's more accurate a feeling or fact of not being heard or understood.

What helps me is to try backing up some and stay with the pain, with the experience-- rather than developing a narrative about it.

Re: " The only antidote is to accept and love yourself--and I dont' have a clue right now how to do that becuase the pain is so intense. "

I think that honoring and noting the pain is a form of acceptance and self-compassion, as is your very noting what is going on, posting about your experience here an active form of defusion.

I wonder too if how I define " loving myself "

becomes part of the suffering, albeit un-intentionally.

And I'm not convinced there is only one antidote to our suffering.

That could also be another tricky trap, a way to paint myself in a corner.

Just some thoughts from my own experience.

peace,

Terry

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Em.This really resonated for me: " Now when I look back I can see how much I wanted of others, without really looking at myself and what I could be doing for me or others.I think in the pain of the strategy of dependency not working for you, you can find a lot about what you value. "

~ lisa

 

I think one of the worse things about agoraphobia is the dependency. I value independence, so its a great value to move towards when recovering from agoraphobia.

We feel very vulnerable, because of our sensitized state, because we feel naked in our fear. In this state you have to ask of others, and any unexpected answer can knock you back and create great feelings of hurt, its like being cut when we are but a open wound. 

Maybe instead of getting caught up in the hurt, you can speak to your friend again, and be

clear in your intentions. Feel compassion for your friend as well as for yourself, its not always easy being the person that is depended on. Explain kindly why it would be good to have a definite date: because of your employer . Ask your friend if there is anything you could do in return. You can acknowledge that you hurt more than people do averagely, due to how you are at the moment. Have patience with others, and mostly with yourself.

I have been very dependent in the past so I do understand you. I also know what it feels like when you are let down. Now when I look back I can see how much I wanted of others, without really looking at myself and what I could be doing for me or others.

I think in the pain of the strategy of dependency not working for you, you can find a lot about what you value.

Take care XXX______________________

Signature: Mrs Em Equanimity This is my personal blog where I record my experience applying Acceptance Commitment Therapy to my anxiety and agoraphobia in particular, and my life in general. Feel free to browse. 

http://eyeofthehurricane-act.blogspot.com/

--- El mié, 16/2/11, Ann escribió:

De: Ann Asunto: Re: Re: Intense feelings of anger and hurt

Para: ACT_for_the_Public Fecha: miércoles, 16 de febrero, 2011 22:47

 

This has been such a helpful thread to read. Just what I need right now.My issue isn't a workplace conflict but talking about rejection and shame hits home for me right now.I'm agoraphobic and was just placed on disability. It's been a very trying couple weeks. I have to move in the near future (while my driving is still restricted), find part-time work to supplement my reduced income, etc., and am feeling overwhelmed. During all this, I have reached out to my closest friend. He has been a good friend to me. I asked him for help (driving me to my workplace so I can clean out my office), but when I asked him for a definite date (so I could inform my employer), he called me passive-aggressive. I refused to buy that label, but anger resulted nonetheless, as I felt it was unfair. But really, it goes deeper, to feeling rejected by someone I feel I need to rely on, as I cannot drive the distance to work (I'm doing gradual exposure

therapy along with ACT). Anyhow, I feel deep shame that I am not worth helping (in my mind), and even more shame that I cannot just drive myself like " normal " people. I admit that I have not made much effort to defuse from these thoughts or accept these feelings.

Anyhow, reading these posts has been helpful. Of course, my mind tells me that these words aren't any more useful than the negative ones my mind keeps feeding me ... what a trap!~ lisa