Re: New to ASPIRES

[Guest guest]

Hi again Deb,

Thanks for the update.

Your description of it as a " bit of an update " sounds like something of

an understatement to me after I read about your parting of the ways.

Have you parted ways with him before and later kissed and made up, I

wonder?

When you say " I do love him very much " , what do you really mean by

that? As you may have seen, we've been talking about love and what it

means on another thread here, and there really are many different

interpretations to that word.

If it means something like " I am generally comfortable having him around

as my partner " , then maybe your recent parting of the ways should be

looked upon as a temporary episode, and what you really want is to have

him back. To my mind, there's a contradiction when on the one hand

you say you love him, while on the other hand you say it would be

better to just let him go. I think maybe you have to step back from

this immediate split-up and look at the days and weeks and months you've

been together and see if you can weigh up whether they've been a good or

a bad experience overall. Life is bound to have its ups and downs, but

only you can weigh up the long term overall value the presence of this

guy has been to you.

When you say you guess a bi-polor and AS do not mix, let me be clear:

It's you who is the bipolar, is it? I don't know much about bipolar,

nor (assuming it's you) do I know how strongly it affects you. Are

you subject to big mood-swings?

By the way, I know all about trailers and going downhill. They can

start snaking and the more you brake, the worse the snaking becomes.

When my first wife and I were going on our honeymoon many years ago, we

had an old car and a big heavy caravan trailer that was really too heavy

for that car. I did all the driving at first, but eventually my new

wife wanted to give me a break and try. However soon after she first

took the wheel, there was a long steep hill, and she quickly let it get

into this snaking mode which only got worse and became uncontrollable as

she tried to brake and slow down. It ended up as a partial jacknife

with the back of the car crashing into the front of the caravan. Both

were damaged quite a bit but still driveable. It wasn't a very good

start to the first day of our married life!! So yes! Handling a

trailer going downhill can be very scary and it definitely needs

experience. Then there's reversing trailers round a corner and into a

gateway..... but that's another story!!

No-one can really answer your question about making sense of what

happened except you yourself, but try to take a bird's eye view of

your whole marriage experience rather than allow the latest incidents to

sway your thoughts too much. Also, if bipolar swings could be a

factor, can you try to remove the effect of those from the equation?

Anyway, keep in touch and let us know how it goes.

+

--- Re: New to ASPIRES

Thank you for the welcome. He is a bit of an update, as of

yesterday my husband left me and my daughter at a rest area with a

vehicale I could not drive because it was hooked to our travel trailer.

I have no experence pulling anything and when we left on this

vacation, I was pulling a horse trailer with a 1993 ford explorer. This

hose trailer had a good 5 to 6 thousand pounds on it. I tried to

explain to my husband that I did not feel comfortable with his car and

he already knew that I would not be able to pull the travel trailer and

so our excitment began. I has my 15 year old daughter with me and I

lost control of the explorer, I managed to stay under the trailer and

bring it to a stop going down hill and this is where all problems began.

At first my husband stated that he was very proud of me for handling

it the way I did, but as the trip went on we began to go more on

dowhills than up and I was peterfied. We finally stoped today and I

tried to explain to my husband that I am not experenced enough for this

and asked if there wolud be some other way with me not driving. He then

began to tell me that he knows where my daughter gets that quiting is ok

when you are scared. And it continued to go on no mater how I tried to

explain. To make it short, after the AZ sherriff was called out, I

signed over the title to the explorer and horse trailer and asked him to

leave. Mind you this was after he had already grabed his " survival

pack " and just walked away. My husband has been married four other

times and he is notourious for just walking away. But again I am making

this long. It all made me feel that it would be better to just let him

go. Please understand I do love him very much, and I have tried very

hard to make it work but I guess a bi-polor and AS do not mix. My

question is can you help me make sense of what just happened. Should I

wait for him to contact me or just move forward? Please any help or

comments would be appreaciated.

Deb

[Guest guest]

Eyre wrote:

> When you say you guess a bi-polor and AS do not mix, let me be clear:

> It's you who is the bipolar, is it? I don't know much about bipolar,

> nor (assuming it's you) do I know how strongly it affects you.

It really does depend on the individuals and the degree/manner in which

they are affected. Labels alone tell us very little about a couple's

potential for a successful relationship.

I am (mildly) AS and my (late) husband was bipolar. Yet it wasn't our

labels that destroyed the marriage -- it was the combination of our

respective baggage and some very difficult environmental challenges that

occurred early in the relationship. Thus, the stage was set for a toxic

brew of anger, resentment, and poor life choices, the consequences of

which we were not able to resolve together.

Best,

~CJ

[Guest guest]

> It really does depend on the individuals and the degree/manner in which

> they are affected. Labels alone tell us very little about a couple's

> potential for a successful relationship.

>

> I am (mildly) AS and my (late) husband was bipolar. Yet it wasn't our

> labels that destroyed the marriage -- it was the combination of our

> respective baggage and some very difficult environmental challenges that

> occurred early in the relationship. Thus, the stage was set for a toxic

> brew of anger, resentment, and poor life choices, the consequences of

> which we were not able to resolve together.

>

> Best,

> ~CJ

>

Agreed, CJ! The more I learn about AS (going on 15 years now) the more I've come

to see that in the final analysis, while understanding how AS (yours and/or

theirs) affects you, that in the end, it's much less about labels than it is

about life experience, and attitude.

- Helen, 56, self dx'd AS, dx'd ADD

[Guest guest]

Hi Helen and CJ,

I totally agree with you both on this Thank you both for sharing!

Marci (a tired “old time” lurker as I have little time to post – really not much to add either/anyway as folks seem to cover all the angles without me

J)

Marci Wheeler, M.S.W.

Indiana Resource Center for Autism

Indiana Institute on Disability and Community

2853 E. Tenth Street

Bloomington, IN 47408-2696

Phone: \Fax:

mwheeler@...

www.iidc.indiana.edu/irca

From: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ]

On Behalf Of helen_foisy

Sent: Tuesday, June 28, 2011 5:52 PM

To: aspires-relationships

Subject: Re: New to ASPIRES

> It really does depend on the individuals and the degree/manner in which

> they are affected. Labels alone tell us very little about a couple's

> potential for a successful relationship.

>

> I am (mildly) AS and my (late) husband was bipolar. Yet it wasn't our

> labels that destroyed the marriage -- it was the combination of our

> respective baggage and some very difficult environmental challenges that

> occurred early in the relationship. Thus, the stage was set for a toxic

> brew of anger, resentment, and poor life choices, the consequences of

> which we were not able to resolve together.

>

> Best,

> ~CJ

>

Agreed, CJ! The more I learn about AS (going on 15 years now) the more I've come to see that in the final analysis, while understanding how AS (yours and/or theirs) affects you, that in the end, it's much less about labels than it is about life experience,

and attitude.

- Helen, 56, self dx'd AS, dx'd ADD

[Guest guest]

Thanks Marci,

but I see I omitted two words which would have made more sense I meant, while

understanding how AS affects you *is important* etc. ..

I've spent almost 15 years reading about AS. Being on this discussion board for

10+ years has been *the* most valuable part of my learning. I might have managed

without the knowledge of AS, but I would be in a much more confused and sad

place. So knowledge really is important.

I think more so for the AS person's self, than the NS person (NS = non-spectrum,

another term that was coined here on ASPIRES Not that it isn't also important

for the non spectrum partner to understand. But it's especially crucial to us

spectrumites. Unless we ourselves are willing to try to understand how others

see things, our world will remain decidedly .. smaller.

The severity of mind-blindness may preclude there ever be such an understanding,

but I have also seen non spectrum folks who are mind-blind. As in, they think

that they alone have the definitive reality.

The non AS partner must also be willing to see things from AS person's

perspective too. Goes both ways. Some folks, maybe due to growing up in a very

critical and intolerant environment, are defensive and hypervigilant, and will

interpret any point of view that is contrary to their own as a personal attack.

As Bill also used to say a lot, " it takes two. "

This board has been an amazing place to get the two perspectives. discussion

groups like this one are extremely rare, perhaps this one is unique. I am really

getting a lot from reading the recent discussions.

But after all that understanding, what I'm starting to realize more and more, as

CJ points out, is that if anything is going to sink it, it will be the " other "

issues, the baggage, co-morbid mental illness, what have you.

AS in and of itself is basically a personality type. Now some of us are more

like ourselves than others, haha, I mean more extreme, of course, but we on the

spectrum all do have ommonalities. But as Bill used to say, we aren't

automations. Unfortunately, and I do think that is the case with one AS member's

spouse, that once some people learn we have AS, thereafter they think that all

our behaviors, good or bad, can be boiled down to AS. Very discouraging.

What I'm seeing, after all the reading I've done is that what it comes back to

is the sum of a person's life experiences, and their attitude, and, I didn't

mention this before, but CJ did, the person's abilities that will govern the

outcome, more than having AS or not having AS. Having AS, or more correctly,

experiencing all the challenges, misunderstanding, low self esteem, depression,

etc. can certainly influence, as can having an abusive childhood, etc. But then

there's the individual's basic personality. I never gave much credence to stuff

like the Meyers Briggs personality test until a psychologist administered to me,

and by gar, that is an eye opener.

talked about compatibility .. he's mentioned this a few times and I could

not possibly concur more. He also stated, that you don't have to be the same as

your partner,in fact it is undesirable, as each person should be able to bring

something new into the relationship. He used the words " compatible and

complementary " and after all these years, I would have to say this is probably

the most important formula for relationship success. Unfortunately many of us

don't really understand what this means until we're much, much older and we've

been through the mill and we finally know what the words compatible and

complementary *don't* entail.

Try to explain this to a younger person, and, it's not like they are stupid,

but, due to inexperience, they may more tolerant and willing to overlook things

and put up with things that maybe they shouldn't, for the sake of love.

Maybe those things aren't outright bad, but they aren't good for *them.* This is

not about AS or NS per se, but, as an example, very effusive, affectionate

person would be much better off with a similarly passionate person, and not

someone who is reserved with their emotions. At the outset, they may be willing

to make the tradeoff because the partner is a " good person " and maybe they have

had experience with a bad person or persons before and this is a refreshing

change. Or, they may not want to be alone anymore. They maybe feel pressure to

commit to this person, they may feel sorry for this person .. the reasons may

vary, but right at the outset, they are settling for less. Not because the other

person is less, but because the other person, AS or NS is not wholly compatible

and complementary to their own needs.

Later on down the road, as much as the emotional partner may understand

intellectually that the reserved partner doesn't love them any less, the feeling

part of their brain, is going to *feel* rejection, *feel* that starvation for

all the fireworks, and *feel* that loss very acutely. Resentment will surface,

and both may start tearing each other down for what the other can't do for them.

Does that mean that understanding of AS not important? Well no, it's really

important. The sooner the better. The members who are coming on board now, many

are young, or younger than us old timers, and pioneers like Newland, the

founder of ASPIRES. The sooner an AS person and a non spectrum person understand

how the other person processes things, well, things just start making a whole

lot more sense. The sky's the limit to what you can do when a whole new realm of

understanding opens up.

Still, ultimately, whether you are the person with AS, or your partner is, at

some point you will see that it's not just the AS, it's all those other things

too, and what the person decides to do after they have the knowledge, or even

*can* do. The sooner you can figure that out, the better.

- Helen

> > It really does depend on the individuals and the degree/manner in which

> > they are affected. Labels alone tell us very little about a couple's

> > potential for a successful relationship.

> >

> > I am (mildly) AS and my (late) husband was bipolar. Yet it wasn't our

> > labels that destroyed the marriage -- it was the combination of our

> > respective baggage and some very difficult environmental challenges that

> > occurred early in the relationship. Thus, the stage was set for a toxic

> > brew of anger, resentment, and poor life choices, the consequences of

> > which we were not able to resolve together.

> >

> > Best,

> > ~CJ

> >

>

> Agreed, CJ! The more I learn about AS (going on 15 years now) the more I've

come to see that in the final analysis, while understanding how AS (yours and/or

theirs) affects you, that in the end, it's much less about labels than it is

about life experience, and attitude.

> - Helen, 56, self dx'd AS, dx'd ADD

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Deb....

Welcome to Aspires..glad to always have new folks come on in and " drink as much

coffee as possible " . Glad you see and understand that us AS folks can be

appreciative, even when we can be interesting at times. One suggestion I would

offer any couple on here (regardless if one person involved has AS or both are

on the Spectrum [as the latter is my case]) or anyone interested in being

involved in a romantic relationship or other - get involved in your community by

volunteering together for an organization.

My " significant other " , April, and I have chosen to go through orientation on

July 12th with Habitat for Humanity, so we can volunteer together. And it

doesn't have to be just Habitat, but any organization. I can't cite a research

study or a researcher who has shown this to be true. However, I have heard that

relationships between people are often strengthened by volunteering together -

or by doing things which they have a common interest, together.

So, that is something I encourage couples to do.

, dx'd 2007 with AS and AD/HD combined - official documentation in 2010

>He always takes time during the day to let me know he really appreaciates me

several times and it always helps to hear it. I hope I can be of some help on

this site. I look forward to any suggestions that may help.

> Keep pushing foward,

> Deb

>