Guest guest Posted December 7, 2011 Report Share Posted December 7, 2011 Ditto for me. I’ve been married for 32 years to man that was diagnosed 25 years in and I’m with that my middle name was Cassandra too. We might not be able to solve your problem but we can surely offer support and possibly guidance. I don’t know what mental health services are like in Oz but can you ask your doctor for a referral to someone and explain what your financial ability on non ability to pay for those services might be. Cyber hugs!Deb (who used to be Cassandra) From: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of NewlandSent: December-06-11 9:13 PMTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Leesa  Leesa: How can WE be of service? I was married to a self-dx spouse for over 20 years and felt Cassandra was my middle name for a while. We have been divorced for five years and I recently had to move back due to economics. I get it and believe Cassandra can be a real syndrome in some of our relationships. What is going on in your relationship right now to make you feel this way? Cyber hugs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 7, 2011 Report Share Posted December 7, 2011 Sorry Leesa I guess that's why I understand the book alone in a marriage. The turning point in our relationship was when I started to accept him and asperger's but accept as in "I wanted to hurt him" physically and emotionally, more than he ever hurt me. I don't think he ever saw the look of rage in my eyes ever in our relationship until that one day. I think he knew this is it, she's gonna do something to hurt herself or she's going to run away. I was ready to just buy a plane ticket and leave and he knew it. It was my nervous breakdown, I couldn't stop screaming and I made no sense, talking to myself and I just wouldn't look at him. the sight of him and sound of him made me sick. I feel so guilty talking about it now but I was mentally broken down.He will never change but the fact that he tried do something for me because he knew if he didn't it was over. so he sought a diagnosis, to me that was the most romantic thing he could ever do for me. I won't get the romantic gestures that I give him but the fact that he could do that was enough at that point, I guess. Then he baked brownies, it was very odd timing considering I was having a nervous breakdown but it made me laugh rather than get angry I guess. But what i noticed is that the more I try with my communication with him on his terms, the more he does too. He does little things which may seem small to others like my family but I know it's huge for him and I keep holding on to his efforts. Have you ever tried reading an Asperger marriage book with him? My hubby won't read aloud to me but he likes it when I read to him. But I think that by him reading it and reading posts and listening to another wife, it put things into perspective for him cause he would ask "did I do that to you?" He actually became aware of some things he did to me when I spent years trying to explain them to him, he never got it, but he got it when he read the book and listened to another wife. I hope you are able to talk to someone esp. a therapist who has experience with an NT wife, I can't afford one but I wish I could see one. There's a doctor in Australia that is doing research on Asperger wives and I think it was the affecctive disorder, and I've only emailed because I was interested in being a participant, but her emails have also helped feel validated as a person and I didn't feel as alone.I will post her email address if you like? To know I am not alone helps alot :)For years I have been dismissed, but tried to carry on for the kids, I already had two and we have since together had four more, I have Been the provider the career the one with total responsibility on me, he is vague , I don't exist beyond the tv , his kids don't exist beyond the tv, he has nowhere to go and no family and not do I, so here I feel stuck alone and all the pressure on me, maybe its the doing it alone for so long yet having an adult around killing me , maybe it's the pressure of it all , maybe it's the babies and dealing with the two of them completely alone since their births one is 1 and the other is 2 or maybe it's envy that my sister has a partner who acknowledges her while I don't even get a Xmas gift at Xmas times cause its notSomething he thinks of , I feel so alone soo soo alone and unloved !I don't know if anyone can help me , I feel the only peace I will have isn't here Sent from my iPhone  Leesa: How can WE be of service? I was married to a self-dx spouse for over 20 years and felt Cassandra was my middle name for a while. We have been divorced for five years and I recently had to move back due to economics. I get it and believe Cassandra can be a real syndrome in some of our relationships. What is going on in your relationship right now to make you feel this way? Cyber hugs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 7, 2011 Report Share Posted December 7, 2011 YES!!! To everything said. Take care of YOU however you can. Be kind to yourself. Be easy with yourself. Cut yourself lots of slack. You are definitely NOT responsible for him, he is an adult. And remember who you are, what made you happy and try to find some time to do any little thing that you remember that brought you joy. It may not bring you joy at the moment but in time it may help reconnect you with who you are and the joy may return. Sending you strength and compassion,Deb From: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of NewlandSent: December-07-11 12:29 AMTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Leesa  Leesa: What you describe is very much the Cassandra Syndrome or being Aspergated. There is a book titled: Life with a Partner or Spouse with Asperger Syndrome: Going over the Edge? by Kathy J.Marshack, Ph.D.; Foreword by Shore, Ed.D. The most IMPORTANT thing you can do is realize you are NOT alone and take care of YOU. You cannot change your partner, only he is capable of that. One option would be to seek counseling for yourself and work on YOU and rebuilding your self esteem so you can be a strong and healthy person and parent to your children. Someone mentioned ASPIA which is a support group in your country for spouses of AS partners. Carol Grigg is the contact @ info@... / 0432 507 828 / http://www.aspia.org.au/ She might be able to put you in touch with local resources in your area. One of the issues with our health care system is we tend to treat the person in front of us and not the family which all the research points to regardless of the issue. We develop rules and roles in relationships and when one person changes or grows it changes ALL the dynamics in that relationship. This has nothing to do with autism but more along the lines of human behavior. You don't have to have autism not to like change or sabotage/resent the change. It is part of our human development. My advice would be to work on YOU with counseling or support and try to figure out HOW you got to to the point where you are and what your options are and most importantly to take back control of your life. You are NOT responsible for his behavior, but are responsible for YOURS! It is very easy to be a co-dependent or enabler and think, " If I don't take care for him, who will, " regardless on how that behavior affects YOU and your kids. This is thinking of a person in a care taker role and not a partner. He might not be in a position to see how his behavior affects you and the children at the moment and still, that is not YOUR responsibility, it is his. We have had many threads on ASPIRES on this subject. Stay strong and get healthy and that in itself is a tall order and a BIG step that can change the direction that your life goes in. This is just one option and I am hoping others will give you other's. This just happened to work for me and it was a long and hard process of self-development. Others might have other advice??????? The very Best and you are NOT alone!!!!!!!! May the force be with you!!!!!!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 7, 2011 Report Share Posted December 7, 2011 I just thought of a point I that might be helpful to know. A lot of times, you aren’t the only ones suffering. I don’t think my husband realized that a lot. We may not cry or get all emotional when we’re feeling pain, but sometimes retreating IS our expression of pain and frustration. For example, I often feel like everything in our relationship (mine and my husband’s) is my fault in his eyes. Early in our marriage, I did not participate in the maintenance of the household as I should have. I didn’t have the organization or planning skills to coordinate tasks like planning good meals or keeping the house tidy. I would be unable to focus on a particular task, get overwhelmed with being unable to see how to finish it, and retreat to what was most comfortable for me… video games. So a lot of the first 10 years of our marriage involved him berating me constantly over my lack of participation in the upkeep of our daily lives. I started to feel like I couldn’t please him. I felt like he thought he was above me, like a boss. I felt like he hated me. My self-esteem suffered greatly. Note, this was all before I knew what AS even was. I felt lazy and worthless. I was hurting just as much as he was, with some key differences. Where he would get angry over his frustrations and blow up at me, I retreated. The more he complained, the further I wanted to withdraw. I didn’t know how to talk to him, didn’t know how to explain myself. I didn’t think he’d care. So retreat seemed like the best option. But it’s a vicious cycle. They scream, you retreat. They see you retreating and it kills them, so they scream longer and louder. You retreat more. Neither of you understands what the other is feeling or what the other one needs. I love my husband, but I wasn’t showing him in a way he could understand. And he loved me, but the lack of warmth from my end was making him crazy. NT’s have preconceived ideas about what certain gestures, facial features and actions mean. It’s very hard for them to accept that what you are feeling and thinking and what they THINK you are thinking and feeling are usually polar opposites. I’ve found that he was looking for emotional cues from me. When he didn’t receive any, he assumed I didn’t care. Whereas I was looking for straightforward verbal explanations from him, which I wasn’t getting. It’s all a matter of figuring out what communication works best for the other person and going with it. Anyway, just thought I’d share some insight into my own experience from the other side. From: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of DebSent: Wednesday, December 07, 2011 4:52 PMTo: aspires-relationships Subject: RE: Leesa YES!!! To everything said. Take care of YOU however you can. Be kind to yourself. Be easy with yourself. Cut yourself lots of slack. You are definitely NOT responsible for him, he is an adult. And remember who you are, what made you happy and try to find some time to do any little thing that you remember that brought you joy. It may not bring you joy at the moment but in time it may help reconnect you with who you are and the joy may return. Sending you strength and compassion,Deb From: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of NewlandSent: December-07-11 12:29 AMTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Leesa  Leesa: What you describe is very much the Cassandra Syndrome or being Aspergated. There is a book titled: Life with a Partner or Spouse with Asperger Syndrome: Going over the Edge? by Kathy J.Marshack, Ph.D.; Foreword by Shore, Ed.D. The most IMPORTANT thing you can do is realize you are NOT alone and take care of YOU. You cannot change your partner, only he is capable of that. One option would be to seek counseling for yourself and work on YOU and rebuilding your self esteem so you can be a strong and healthy person and parent to your children. Someone mentioned ASPIA which is a support group in your country for spouses of AS partners. Carol Grigg is the contact @ info@... / 0432 507 828 / http://www.aspia.org.au/ She might be able to put you in touch with local resources in your area. One of the issues with our health care system is we tend to treat the person in front of us and not the family which all the research points to regardless of the issue. We develop rules and roles in relationships and when one person changes or grows it changes ALL the dynamics in that relationship. This has nothing to do with autism but more along the lines of human behavior. You don't have to have autism not to like change or sabotage/resent the change. It is part of our human development. My advice would be to work on YOU with counseling or support and try to figure out HOW you got to to the point where you are and what your options are and most importantly to take back control of your life. You are NOT responsible for his behavior, but are responsible for YOURS! It is very easy to be a co-dependent or enabler and think, " If I don't take care for him, who will, " regardless on how that behavior affects YOU and your kids. This is thinking of a person in a care taker role and not a partner. He might not be in a position to see how his behavior affects you and the children at the moment and still, that is not YOUR responsibility, it is his. We have had many threads on ASPIRES on this subject. Stay strong and get healthy and that in itself is a tall order and a BIG step that can change the direction that your life goes in. This is just one option and I am hoping others will give you other's. This just happened to work for me and it was a long and hard process of self-development. Others might have other advice??????? The very Best and you are NOT alone!!!!!!!! May the force be with you!!!!!!!!!!!! ----------------------------------------- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 7, 2011 Report Share Posted December 7, 2011 Leesa, I had 3 kids and I can’t even imagine what 6 would be like. You are super woman in my eyes. I can relate to your story very well. I did everything for the house, the kids, the finances, worked a high stress full-time job and never received any acknowledgment nor gifts I did not buy and wrap for myself. My birthday became the most miserable day of the year and I cried every Christmas that there was nothing in my stocking that I didn’t put there myself in spite of me begging for it every year. I often sat beside my husband during our silent (because no talking was allowed while he was driving) 2 hour car ride home after work crying right beside him but he never noticed. At my worst I felt completely unlovable, as though there was nothing left of me and I had nothing left to offer the world. But I’m still here and I’m happy so I believe that you can be too. It’s going to take work and it will be a daily struggle for a long time to fight your way back but if you have the strength to deal with what you have so far, you have the strength to regain yourself! I know you must feel exhausted and I’m sure you don’t feel like you have any strength left, But I believe you can do it. Just by the fact that you reached out to us you have taken the first step and now you just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other until you have walked out of this pit of despair. Sending you strength!Deb From: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of LeesaSent: December-07-11 5:33 AMTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Re: Leesa Thank you so much , actually I am so greatful to everyone today, I added myself to this group wow 2 years ago almost 3 and just read and never spoke, but lately it's gettin more and more difficult to hold it in , I have always tried to be understanding to his AS and to the fact our two sons 9 and 11 have it but with 6 kids 2 of which of babies 1 and 2 and me doing everything on my own bills, finances and looking after babies and cooking cleanin( when I can) its all too much for one person, he locks into the tv and doesn't even hear his kids call his name he doesn't notice when I am crying , I've never been acknowledged birthdays Xmas anniversaries I am nothing special to him, I already have no family but my children ,I don't have an adult someone / partner who loves me enough to care of these things or even our kids, I feel so alone ! But today people here have been soooo overwhelmingly wonderful , I used to have friends till I got involved with my husband now I have no one notIn the real world & that hurts cause I used to be a very happy go lucky person smiling and bubbly and energetic and now I am a blimp who is alone and pitiful !Sent from my iPhone> Leesa --> > First, welcome to Aspires. We do understand here, and try to be supportive and understanding. If you have any specific incidents you need to share/vent, this is the place to do it.> > Another good thing to do here is ask questions … we have male and female Aspies, some who have learned to be very understanding, and female NTs who have learned to make their marriages work well. I don't remember if we have any NT husbands, though.> > It does sound like you need some support from someone who understands. Do contact Tony Atwood … he may not be out of your reach. Many " famous in their field " people are easily reachable and charge standard rates.> > Or he might point you to a local support group. Also good for that would be the closest Asperger's center. Most of them have support for NT family members. My local center has a support group for women divorcing AS men … the timing doesn't work for me.> > And stick around here … sometimes we can seem clueless and a little harsh, but we are all trying to understand our brains and together we make the world better for all of us.> > --Liz> AS woman divorcing AS man> > > > >> >> >> I have seen him speak at our local club , when my son was diagnosed and then the second son was and the. I registered my husband has it and I have slowly felt I was drowing and there's no one who understands , my family don't believe in aspergers let alone Cassandra syndrome so no support there and I just have felt so alone now that I think it is literally draining the life from me, thank you but I think tony is alot of my reach >> >> Sent from my iPhone>> >> >> >>> >>> You might try Tony Attwood @ tony@... He is in your area and also sits on the board of FAAAS who helped coin the phrase Cassandra syndrome or who has the FAAAS suport group @faaas@...>>> >>> May the force be with you.>>> >>> Best regards.>>> >>> >>> >> >> >> > > ----------> Cartesian Bear at Zazzle: Shirts and Gifts: http://www.zazzle.com/cartesianbear?rf=238831668488066559> Zazzle Coupons: http://www.zazzle.com/coupons?rf=238831668488066559 > > Knit Suite: Mobile Apps for Knitters http://knitsuite.polymathsolution.com> > Gifts for Knitters: http://www.squidoo.com/gifts-for-knitters> > > > ------------------------------------> > " We each have our own way of living in the world, together we are like a symphony.> Some are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony > It all blends together, we are like a symphony, and each part is crucial.> We all contribute to the song of life. " > ...Sondra > > We might not always agree; but TOGETHER we will make a difference.> > ASPIRES is a closed, confidential, moderated list.> Responsibility for posts to ASPIRES lies entirely with the original author.> Do NOT post mail off-list without the author's permission.> When in doubt, please refer to our list rules at:> http://www.aspires-relationships.com/info_rules.htm> ASPIRES ~ Climbing the mountain TOGETHER> http://www.aspires-relationships.com> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 8, 2011 Report Share Posted December 8, 2011 Hi LeesaThis is her email address. Just let her know you found her email address through me() a wife who was interested in her research on NT wives on AS men. Marie Abel Ph.D MAPSHSS Faculty - PsychologyUndergraduate Coordinator (Psychology)Bond UniversityGold Coast, Australia 4226(07) 5595 2564label@...On 2011-12-07, at 3:06 PM, Leesa wrote: That would be amazing if you could send her email to me, I honestly till yesterday before I had my outburst on this site, felt so alone and now I am seeing soooo much of my life in everyones words, I am so greatful to everyone for sharing their stories with me cause I know every story that's been told so far ohhh so well, even the ones we should feel ashamed of, I know this too cause its all my life being told in everyone's stories :(Sent from my iPhone Sorry Leesa I guess that's why I understand the book alone in a marriage. The turning point in our relationship was when I started to accept him and asperger's but accept as in "I wanted to hurt him" physically and emotionally, more than he ever hurt me. I don't think he ever saw the look of rage in my eyes ever in our relationship until that one day. I think he knew this is it, she's gonna do something to hurt herself or she's going to run away. I was ready to just buy a plane ticket and leave and he knew it. It was my nervous breakdown, I couldn't stop screaming and I made no sense, talking to myself and I just wouldn't look at him. the sight of him and sound of him made me sick. I feel so guilty talking about it now but I was mentally broken down.He will never change but the fact that he tried do something for me because he knew if he didn't it was over. so he sought a diagnosis, to me that was the most romantic thing he could ever do for me. I won't get the romantic gestures that I give him but the fact that he could do that was enough at that point, I guess. Then he baked brownies, it was very odd timing considering I was having a nervous breakdown but it made me laugh rather than get angry I guess. But what i noticed is that the more I try with my communication with him on his terms, the more he does too. He does little things which may seem small to others like my family but I know it's huge for him and I keep holding on to his efforts. Have you ever tried reading an Asperger marriage book with him? My hubby won't read aloud to me but he likes it when I read to him. But I think that by him reading it and reading posts and listening to another wife, it put things into perspective for him cause he would ask "did I do that to you?" He actually became aware of some things he did to me when I spent years trying to explain them to him, he never got it, but he got it when he read the book and listened to another wife. I hope you are able to talk to someone esp. a therapist who has experience with an NT wife, I can't afford one but I wish I could see one. There's a doctor in Australia that is doing research on Asperger wives and I think it was the affecctive disorder, and I've only emailed because I was interested in being a participant, but her emails have also helped feel validated as a person and I didn't feel as alone.I will post her email address if you like? To know I am not alone helps alot :)For years I have been dismissed, but tried to carry on for the kids, I already had two and we have since together had four more, I have Been the provider the career the one with total responsibility on me, he is vague , I don't exist beyond the tv , his kids don't exist beyond the tv, he has nowhere to go and no family and not do I, so here I feel stuck alone and all the pressure on me, maybe its the doing it alone for so long yet having an adult around killing me , maybe it's the pressure of it all , maybe it's the babies and dealing with the two of them completely alone since their births one is 1 and the other is 2 or maybe it's envy that my sister has a partner who acknowledges her while I don't even get a Xmas gift at Xmas times cause its notSomething he thinks of , I feel so alone soo soo alone and unloved !I don't know if anyone can help me , I feel the only peace I will have isn't here Sent from my iPhone  Leesa: How can WE be of service? I was married to a self-dx spouse for over 20 years and felt Cassandra was my middle name for a while. We have been divorced for five years and I recently had to move back due to economics. I get it and believe Cassandra can be a real syndrome in some of our relationships. What is going on in your relationship right now to make you feel this way? Cyber hugs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 8, 2011 Report Share Posted December 8, 2011 Hi LeesaThis is her email address. Just let her know you found her email address through me() a wife who was interested in her research on NT wives on AS men. Marie Abel Ph.D MAPSHSS Faculty - PsychologyUndergraduate Coordinator (Psychology)Bond UniversityGold Coast, Australia 4226(07) 5595 2564label@...On 2011-12-07, at 3:06 PM, Leesa wrote: That would be amazing if you could send her email to me, I honestly till yesterday before I had my outburst on this site, felt so alone and now I am seeing soooo much of my life in everyones words, I am so greatful to everyone for sharing their stories with me cause I know every story that's been told so far ohhh so well, even the ones we should feel ashamed of, I know this too cause its all my life being told in everyone's stories :(Sent from my iPhone Sorry Leesa I guess that's why I understand the book alone in a marriage. The turning point in our relationship was when I started to accept him and asperger's but accept as in "I wanted to hurt him" physically and emotionally, more than he ever hurt me. I don't think he ever saw the look of rage in my eyes ever in our relationship until that one day. I think he knew this is it, she's gonna do something to hurt herself or she's going to run away. I was ready to just buy a plane ticket and leave and he knew it. It was my nervous breakdown, I couldn't stop screaming and I made no sense, talking to myself and I just wouldn't look at him. the sight of him and sound of him made me sick. I feel so guilty talking about it now but I was mentally broken down.He will never change but the fact that he tried do something for me because he knew if he didn't it was over. so he sought a diagnosis, to me that was the most romantic thing he could ever do for me. I won't get the romantic gestures that I give him but the fact that he could do that was enough at that point, I guess. Then he baked brownies, it was very odd timing considering I was having a nervous breakdown but it made me laugh rather than get angry I guess. But what i noticed is that the more I try with my communication with him on his terms, the more he does too. He does little things which may seem small to others like my family but I know it's huge for him and I keep holding on to his efforts. Have you ever tried reading an Asperger marriage book with him? My hubby won't read aloud to me but he likes it when I read to him. But I think that by him reading it and reading posts and listening to another wife, it put things into perspective for him cause he would ask "did I do that to you?" He actually became aware of some things he did to me when I spent years trying to explain them to him, he never got it, but he got it when he read the book and listened to another wife. I hope you are able to talk to someone esp. a therapist who has experience with an NT wife, I can't afford one but I wish I could see one. There's a doctor in Australia that is doing research on Asperger wives and I think it was the affecctive disorder, and I've only emailed because I was interested in being a participant, but her emails have also helped feel validated as a person and I didn't feel as alone.I will post her email address if you like? To know I am not alone helps alot :)For years I have been dismissed, but tried to carry on for the kids, I already had two and we have since together had four more, I have Been the provider the career the one with total responsibility on me, he is vague , I don't exist beyond the tv , his kids don't exist beyond the tv, he has nowhere to go and no family and not do I, so here I feel stuck alone and all the pressure on me, maybe its the doing it alone for so long yet having an adult around killing me , maybe it's the pressure of it all , maybe it's the babies and dealing with the two of them completely alone since their births one is 1 and the other is 2 or maybe it's envy that my sister has a partner who acknowledges her while I don't even get a Xmas gift at Xmas times cause its notSomething he thinks of , I feel so alone soo soo alone and unloved !I don't know if anyone can help me , I feel the only peace I will have isn't here Sent from my iPhone  Leesa: How can WE be of service? I was married to a self-dx spouse for over 20 years and felt Cassandra was my middle name for a while. We have been divorced for five years and I recently had to move back due to economics. I get it and believe Cassandra can be a real syndrome in some of our relationships. What is going on in your relationship right now to make you feel this way? Cyber hugs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 8, 2011 Report Share Posted December 8, 2011 Hi LeesaThis is her email address. Just let her know you found her email address through me() a wife who was interested in her research on NT wives on AS men. Marie Abel Ph.D MAPSHSS Faculty - PsychologyUndergraduate Coordinator (Psychology)Bond UniversityGold Coast, Australia 4226(07) 5595 2564label@...On 2011-12-07, at 3:06 PM, Leesa wrote: That would be amazing if you could send her email to me, I honestly till yesterday before I had my outburst on this site, felt so alone and now I am seeing soooo much of my life in everyones words, I am so greatful to everyone for sharing their stories with me cause I know every story that's been told so far ohhh so well, even the ones we should feel ashamed of, I know this too cause its all my life being told in everyone's stories :(Sent from my iPhone Sorry Leesa I guess that's why I understand the book alone in a marriage. The turning point in our relationship was when I started to accept him and asperger's but accept as in "I wanted to hurt him" physically and emotionally, more than he ever hurt me. I don't think he ever saw the look of rage in my eyes ever in our relationship until that one day. I think he knew this is it, she's gonna do something to hurt herself or she's going to run away. I was ready to just buy a plane ticket and leave and he knew it. It was my nervous breakdown, I couldn't stop screaming and I made no sense, talking to myself and I just wouldn't look at him. the sight of him and sound of him made me sick. I feel so guilty talking about it now but I was mentally broken down.He will never change but the fact that he tried do something for me because he knew if he didn't it was over. so he sought a diagnosis, to me that was the most romantic thing he could ever do for me. I won't get the romantic gestures that I give him but the fact that he could do that was enough at that point, I guess. Then he baked brownies, it was very odd timing considering I was having a nervous breakdown but it made me laugh rather than get angry I guess. But what i noticed is that the more I try with my communication with him on his terms, the more he does too. He does little things which may seem small to others like my family but I know it's huge for him and I keep holding on to his efforts. Have you ever tried reading an Asperger marriage book with him? My hubby won't read aloud to me but he likes it when I read to him. But I think that by him reading it and reading posts and listening to another wife, it put things into perspective for him cause he would ask "did I do that to you?" He actually became aware of some things he did to me when I spent years trying to explain them to him, he never got it, but he got it when he read the book and listened to another wife. I hope you are able to talk to someone esp. a therapist who has experience with an NT wife, I can't afford one but I wish I could see one. There's a doctor in Australia that is doing research on Asperger wives and I think it was the affecctive disorder, and I've only emailed because I was interested in being a participant, but her emails have also helped feel validated as a person and I didn't feel as alone.I will post her email address if you like? To know I am not alone helps alot :)For years I have been dismissed, but tried to carry on for the kids, I already had two and we have since together had four more, I have Been the provider the career the one with total responsibility on me, he is vague , I don't exist beyond the tv , his kids don't exist beyond the tv, he has nowhere to go and no family and not do I, so here I feel stuck alone and all the pressure on me, maybe its the doing it alone for so long yet having an adult around killing me , maybe it's the pressure of it all , maybe it's the babies and dealing with the two of them completely alone since their births one is 1 and the other is 2 or maybe it's envy that my sister has a partner who acknowledges her while I don't even get a Xmas gift at Xmas times cause its notSomething he thinks of , I feel so alone soo soo alone and unloved !I don't know if anyone can help me , I feel the only peace I will have isn't here Sent from my iPhone  Leesa: How can WE be of service? I was married to a self-dx spouse for over 20 years and felt Cassandra was my middle name for a while. We have been divorced for five years and I recently had to move back due to economics. I get it and believe Cassandra can be a real syndrome in some of our relationships. What is going on in your relationship right now to make you feel this way? Cyber hugs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 8, 2011 Report Share Posted December 8, 2011 Hi Leesa I am so sorry that you find yourself in such a dark place. I am as AS husband of an NT wife, I suspect that she is also suffering from the Cassandra syndrome brought about by an unfulfilled 25 years of marriage to me. I joined this group about 1 week ago, so I am very new. I realized that I had AS just over a year ago (undiagnosed). My wife had suspected for a while. I read your post as soon as you made it but I have not been able to find time to respond until now. I am probably the last person to be able to offer you any constructive advice but I have a couple of questions that I'd like to ask: How much does your husband know about his AS and how he is affecting you? Have you told him what it is that you need form him in straight forward terms? I ask these silly questions because I never knew that anything was wrong with my marriage and would have been perfectly happy to continue as things were. The pieces of my jigsaw fitted together nicely and I never knew that there were pieces missing. I found out about Cassandra through my own search for information about myself. I discovered several websites with accounts of women suffering from the condition. I was devastated by the understanding that I gained about how unhappy I had made my wife for all of these years. I still don't understand how I have made her so unhappy. I just know that I have. I so dearly want to make amends but fear that it may be too late. If we had both known about my AS earlier, we both could have worked at making things better. I can't speak for your husband but I know that I never intended to hurt my wife. I love her dearly but I am not able to let her know this in a way that is meaningful to her. I have a bucket full of emotions but I am able to pass these to my wife only with an emotional thimble; leaving her emotional bucket virtually empty. I wish that I was able to read my wife's emotions. I can't do this. I can only understand how she is feeling if she tells me explicitly. I believe and hope that things can change but this will take effort and understanding by both parties. To do this your husband will need to recognize and understand how AS affect him and those close to him. You could shock him with similar Cassandra posts that devastated me. I was an emotional wreck for quite a while after the realization of what I had inadvertently caused over all of those years. While I have now learned much about myself and I am working on dealing with my AS as best I can. I doubt if I will ever gain the ability to know how my wife is really feeling at any given time. I really need her to tell me. I can feel really stupid sometimes at not being able to recognize what is blindingly obvious to others. Perhaps a part of how you feel now is because you believe that you have given part of your identity to your husband and so are not fulfilling your own needs for social interaction and being happy go lucky. I would never knowingly hinder my wife from doing what she enjoys. She has become a bit reclusive over the years but I am not aware of how I have brought this on to her. I am lucky to be able to develop social interests outside the home. I socialize far more than my wife. My wife has very different interests to me. I would be more than happy to share in some of her interests from time to time, even if it involved me enduring an uncomfortable environment, and I have always encouraged her to develop her interests independently. I do not know anything about your husband but if he knew what you would like to do, you may be surprised and find him willing and able to support you. (Deb also sent me an account that brought me to tears.) Best wishes Steve Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 8, 2011 Report Share Posted December 8, 2011 Hi Leesa I am so sorry that you find yourself in such a dark place. I am as AS husband of an NT wife, I suspect that she is also suffering from the Cassandra syndrome brought about by an unfulfilled 25 years of marriage to me. I joined this group about 1 week ago, so I am very new. I realized that I had AS just over a year ago (undiagnosed). My wife had suspected for a while. I read your post as soon as you made it but I have not been able to find time to respond until now. I am probably the last person to be able to offer you any constructive advice but I have a couple of questions that I'd like to ask: How much does your husband know about his AS and how he is affecting you? Have you told him what it is that you need form him in straight forward terms? I ask these silly questions because I never knew that anything was wrong with my marriage and would have been perfectly happy to continue as things were. The pieces of my jigsaw fitted together nicely and I never knew that there were pieces missing. I found out about Cassandra through my own search for information about myself. I discovered several websites with accounts of women suffering from the condition. I was devastated by the understanding that I gained about how unhappy I had made my wife for all of these years. I still don't understand how I have made her so unhappy. I just know that I have. I so dearly want to make amends but fear that it may be too late. If we had both known about my AS earlier, we both could have worked at making things better. I can't speak for your husband but I know that I never intended to hurt my wife. I love her dearly but I am not able to let her know this in a way that is meaningful to her. I have a bucket full of emotions but I am able to pass these to my wife only with an emotional thimble; leaving her emotional bucket virtually empty. I wish that I was able to read my wife's emotions. I can't do this. I can only understand how she is feeling if she tells me explicitly. I believe and hope that things can change but this will take effort and understanding by both parties. To do this your husband will need to recognize and understand how AS affect him and those close to him. You could shock him with similar Cassandra posts that devastated me. I was an emotional wreck for quite a while after the realization of what I had inadvertently caused over all of those years. While I have now learned much about myself and I am working on dealing with my AS as best I can. I doubt if I will ever gain the ability to know how my wife is really feeling at any given time. I really need her to tell me. I can feel really stupid sometimes at not being able to recognize what is blindingly obvious to others. Perhaps a part of how you feel now is because you believe that you have given part of your identity to your husband and so are not fulfilling your own needs for social interaction and being happy go lucky. I would never knowingly hinder my wife from doing what she enjoys. She has become a bit reclusive over the years but I am not aware of how I have brought this on to her. I am lucky to be able to develop social interests outside the home. I socialize far more than my wife. My wife has very different interests to me. I would be more than happy to share in some of her interests from time to time, even if it involved me enduring an uncomfortable environment, and I have always encouraged her to develop her interests independently. I do not know anything about your husband but if he knew what you would like to do, you may be surprised and find him willing and able to support you. (Deb also sent me an account that brought me to tears.) Best wishes Steve Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 8, 2011 Report Share Posted December 8, 2011 , I like the way you explained the dynamic between you and your husband. Sounds very familiar... sigh. Best, ~CJ Hacker, wrote: > > > I just thought of a point I that might be helpful to know. A lot of > times, you aren’t the only ones suffering. I don’t think my husband > realized that a lot. We may not cry or get all emotional when we’re > feeling pain, but sometimes retreating IS our expression of pain and > frustration. For example, I often feel like everything in our > relationship (mine and my husband’s) is my fault in his eyes. Early in > our marriage, I did not participate in the maintenance of the household > as I should have. I didn’t have the organization or planning skills to > coordinate tasks like planning good meals or keeping the house tidy. I > would be unable to focus on a particular task, get overwhelmed with > being unable to see how to finish it, and retreat to what was most > comfortable for me… video games. So a lot of the first 10 years of our > marriage involved him berating me constantly over my lack of > participation in the upkeep of our daily lives. > > > > I started to feel like I couldn’t please him. I felt like he thought he > was above me, like a boss. I felt like he hated me. My self-esteem > suffered greatly. Note, this was all before I knew what AS even was. I > felt lazy and worthless. I was hurting just as much as he was, with some > key differences. Where he would get angry over his frustrations and blow > up at me, I retreated. The more he complained, the further I wanted to > withdraw. I didn’t know how to talk to him, didn’t know how to explain > myself. I didn’t think he’d care. So retreat seemed like the best option. > > > > But it’s a vicious cycle. They scream, you retreat. They see you > retreating and it kills them, so they scream longer and louder. You > retreat more. Neither of you understands what the other is feeling or > what the other one needs. I love my husband, but I wasn’t showing him in > a way he could understand. And he loved me, but the lack of warmth from > my end was making him crazy. NT’s have preconceived ideas about what > certain gestures, facial features and actions mean. It’s very hard for > them to accept that what you are feeling and thinking and what they > THINK you are thinking and feeling are usually polar opposites. > > > > I’ve found that he was looking for emotional cues from me. When he > didn’t receive any, he assumed I didn’t care. Whereas I was looking for > straightforward verbal explanations from him, which I wasn’t getting. > It’s all a matter of figuring out what communication works best for the > other person and going with it. > > > > Anyway, just thought I’d share some insight into my own experience from > the other side. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 8, 2011 Report Share Posted December 8, 2011 Leesa, I’m GLAD YOU are here now! I loved the advice Judy gave you, she writes so beautifully and with such compassion. And I know you feel that there is no time for you because of the kids, the house, and the hubby, but the housework can be let go of for a time and need not be up to Martha standards. J I once went on strike from washing the floors for six months when the twins were at the crawling stage. I made my point when I held one of them up to my hubby, he had been wearing a white sleeper and the knees were almost black, and I said to my loving husband that perhaps we should dunk them in soapy water and let them just crawl around to wash the floor for us. He got the message and washed the floor that night after the kids were in bed. I can’t, nor would I, tell you if your marriage can or should last, but for now build up your own self esteem, and start putting your foot down at home about some things. For instance, give him a list of things you’d like for X-mas and tell him to go shopping because you expect at least one of them wrapped and under the tree X-mas morning. He just might surprise you and do it. But most of all find all the support you can from every source available because 6 kids alone if more than a super human challenge but then adding your husband’s AS and the fact that you have 2 boys with it too…you NEED HELP!!! Call some of those old friends. Call your family. Call any of the service providers. Or buy some help if you can even if that means saying to you hubby that his X-mas gift this year is 4 hours of maid service. J Hugs and I’m so glad you are sounding a tad more positive today! Email me off list any time you want to. Deb From: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of LeesaSent: December-07-11 2:53 PMTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Re: Leesa Oh Debbie your story brought tears to my eyes and your kind words, we really are so much alike, if you can do it , I must be able to somehow , I just need to know how ! Between the children and the two boys having aspergers and cause of it issues at school , and the two babies I don't have much time to clean the house and think of helping myself and Xmas is coming up again and yet again no gift will be there for my unless I buy and wrap one I loved hearing from you Deb and many of the other people here, why didn't I start talking on here years ago ?? Glad I'm here now xxxxxSent from my iPhone Leesa, I had 3 kids and I can’t even imagine what 6 would be like. You are super woman in my eyes. I can relate to your story very well. I did everything for the house, the kids, the finances, worked a high stress full-time job and never received any acknowledgment nor gifts I did not buy and wrap for myself. My birthday became the most miserable day of the year and I cried every Christmas that there was nothing in my stocking that I didn’t put there myself in spite of me begging for it every year. I often sat beside my husband during our silent (because no talking was allowed while he was driving) 2 hour car ride home after work crying right beside him but he never noticed. At my worst I felt completely unlovable, as though there was nothing left of me and I had nothing left to offer the world. But I’m still here and I’m happy so I believe that you can be too. It’s going to take work and it will be a daily struggle for a long time to fight your way back but if you have the strength to deal with what you have so far, you have the strength to regain yourself! I know you must feel exhausted and I’m sure you don’t feel like you have any strength left, But I believe you can do it. Just by the fact that you reached out to us you have taken the first step and now you just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other until you have walked out of this pit of despair. Sending you strength!Deb From: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of LeesaSent: December-07-11 5:33 AMTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Re: Leesa Thank you so much , actually I am so greatful to everyone today, I added myself to this group wow 2 years ago almost 3 and just read and never spoke, but lately it's gettin more and more difficult to hold it in , I have always tried to be understanding to his AS and to the fact our two sons 9 and 11 have it but with 6 kids 2 of which of babies 1 and 2 and me doing everything on my own bills, finances and looking after babies and cooking cleanin( when I can) its all too much for one person, he locks into the tv and doesn't even hear his kids call his name he doesn't notice when I am crying , I've never been acknowledged birthdays Xmas anniversaries I am nothing special to him, I already have no family but my children ,I don't have an adult someone / partner who loves me enough to care of these things or even our kids, I feel so alone ! But today people here have been soooo overwhelmingly wonderful , I used to have friends till I got involved with my husband now I have no one notIn the real world & that hurts cause I used to be a very happy go lucky person smiling and bubbly and energetic and now I am a blimp who is alone and pitiful !Sent from my iPhone> Leesa --> > First, welcome to Aspires. We do understand here, and try to be supportive and understanding. If you have any specific incidents you need to share/vent, this is the place to do it.> > Another good thing to do here is ask questions … we have male and female Aspies, some who have learned to be very understanding, and female NTs who have learned to make their marriages work well. I don't remember if we have any NT husbands, though.> > It does sound like you need some support from someone who understands. Do contact Tony Atwood … he may not be out of your reach. Many " famous in their field " people are easily reachable and charge standard rates.> > Or he might point you to a local support group. Also good for that would be the closest Asperger's center. Most of them have support for NT family members. My local center has a support group for women divorcing AS men … the timing doesn't work for me.> > And stick around here … sometimes we can seem clueless and a little harsh, but we are all trying to understand our brains and together we make the world better for all of us.> > --Liz> AS woman divorcing AS man> > > > >> >> >> I have seen him speak at our local club , when my son was diagnosed and then the second son was and the. I registered my husband has it and I have slowly felt I was drowing and there's no one who understands , my family don't believe in aspergers let alone Cassandra syndrome so no support there and I just have felt so alone now that I think it is literally draining the life from me, thank you but I think tony is alot of my reach >> >> Sent from my iPhone>> >> >> >>> >>> You might try Tony Attwood @ tony@... He is in your area and also sits on the board of FAAAS who helped coin the phrase Cassandra syndrome or who has the FAAAS suport group @faaas@...>>> >>> May the force be with you.>>> >>> Best regards.>>> >>> >>> >> >> >> > > ----------> Cartesian Bear at Zazzle: Shirts and Gifts: http://www.zazzle.com/cartesianbear?rf=238831668488066559> Zazzle Coupons: http://www.zazzle.com/coupons?rf=238831668488066559 > > Knit Suite: Mobile Apps for Knitters http://knitsuite.polymathsolution.com> > Gifts for Knitters: http://www.squidoo.com/gifts-for-knitters> > > > ------------------------------------> > " We each have our own way of living in the world, together we are like a symphony.> Some are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony > It all blends together, we are like a symphony, and each part is crucial.> We all contribute to the song of life. " > ...Sondra > > We might not always agree; but TOGETHER we will make a difference.> > ASPIRES is a closed, confidential, moderated list.> Responsibility for posts to ASPIRES lies entirely with the original author.> Do NOT post mail off-list without the author's permission.> When in doubt, please refer to our list rules at:> http://www.aspires-relationships.com/info_rules.htm> ASPIRES ~ Climbing the mountain TOGETHER> http://www.aspires-relationships.com> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 8, 2011 Report Share Posted December 8, 2011 Leesa, I’m GLAD YOU are here now! I loved the advice Judy gave you, she writes so beautifully and with such compassion. And I know you feel that there is no time for you because of the kids, the house, and the hubby, but the housework can be let go of for a time and need not be up to Martha standards. J I once went on strike from washing the floors for six months when the twins were at the crawling stage. I made my point when I held one of them up to my hubby, he had been wearing a white sleeper and the knees were almost black, and I said to my loving husband that perhaps we should dunk them in soapy water and let them just crawl around to wash the floor for us. He got the message and washed the floor that night after the kids were in bed. I can’t, nor would I, tell you if your marriage can or should last, but for now build up your own self esteem, and start putting your foot down at home about some things. For instance, give him a list of things you’d like for X-mas and tell him to go shopping because you expect at least one of them wrapped and under the tree X-mas morning. He just might surprise you and do it. But most of all find all the support you can from every source available because 6 kids alone if more than a super human challenge but then adding your husband’s AS and the fact that you have 2 boys with it too…you NEED HELP!!! Call some of those old friends. Call your family. Call any of the service providers. Or buy some help if you can even if that means saying to you hubby that his X-mas gift this year is 4 hours of maid service. J Hugs and I’m so glad you are sounding a tad more positive today! Email me off list any time you want to. Deb From: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of LeesaSent: December-07-11 2:53 PMTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Re: Leesa Oh Debbie your story brought tears to my eyes and your kind words, we really are so much alike, if you can do it , I must be able to somehow , I just need to know how ! Between the children and the two boys having aspergers and cause of it issues at school , and the two babies I don't have much time to clean the house and think of helping myself and Xmas is coming up again and yet again no gift will be there for my unless I buy and wrap one I loved hearing from you Deb and many of the other people here, why didn't I start talking on here years ago ?? Glad I'm here now xxxxxSent from my iPhone Leesa, I had 3 kids and I can’t even imagine what 6 would be like. You are super woman in my eyes. I can relate to your story very well. I did everything for the house, the kids, the finances, worked a high stress full-time job and never received any acknowledgment nor gifts I did not buy and wrap for myself. My birthday became the most miserable day of the year and I cried every Christmas that there was nothing in my stocking that I didn’t put there myself in spite of me begging for it every year. I often sat beside my husband during our silent (because no talking was allowed while he was driving) 2 hour car ride home after work crying right beside him but he never noticed. At my worst I felt completely unlovable, as though there was nothing left of me and I had nothing left to offer the world. But I’m still here and I’m happy so I believe that you can be too. It’s going to take work and it will be a daily struggle for a long time to fight your way back but if you have the strength to deal with what you have so far, you have the strength to regain yourself! I know you must feel exhausted and I’m sure you don’t feel like you have any strength left, But I believe you can do it. Just by the fact that you reached out to us you have taken the first step and now you just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other until you have walked out of this pit of despair. Sending you strength!Deb From: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of LeesaSent: December-07-11 5:33 AMTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Re: Leesa Thank you so much , actually I am so greatful to everyone today, I added myself to this group wow 2 years ago almost 3 and just read and never spoke, but lately it's gettin more and more difficult to hold it in , I have always tried to be understanding to his AS and to the fact our two sons 9 and 11 have it but with 6 kids 2 of which of babies 1 and 2 and me doing everything on my own bills, finances and looking after babies and cooking cleanin( when I can) its all too much for one person, he locks into the tv and doesn't even hear his kids call his name he doesn't notice when I am crying , I've never been acknowledged birthdays Xmas anniversaries I am nothing special to him, I already have no family but my children ,I don't have an adult someone / partner who loves me enough to care of these things or even our kids, I feel so alone ! But today people here have been soooo overwhelmingly wonderful , I used to have friends till I got involved with my husband now I have no one notIn the real world & that hurts cause I used to be a very happy go lucky person smiling and bubbly and energetic and now I am a blimp who is alone and pitiful !Sent from my iPhone> Leesa --> > First, welcome to Aspires. We do understand here, and try to be supportive and understanding. If you have any specific incidents you need to share/vent, this is the place to do it.> > Another good thing to do here is ask questions … we have male and female Aspies, some who have learned to be very understanding, and female NTs who have learned to make their marriages work well. I don't remember if we have any NT husbands, though.> > It does sound like you need some support from someone who understands. Do contact Tony Atwood … he may not be out of your reach. Many " famous in their field " people are easily reachable and charge standard rates.> > Or he might point you to a local support group. Also good for that would be the closest Asperger's center. Most of them have support for NT family members. My local center has a support group for women divorcing AS men … the timing doesn't work for me.> > And stick around here … sometimes we can seem clueless and a little harsh, but we are all trying to understand our brains and together we make the world better for all of us.> > --Liz> AS woman divorcing AS man> > > > >> >> >> I have seen him speak at our local club , when my son was diagnosed and then the second son was and the. I registered my husband has it and I have slowly felt I was drowing and there's no one who understands , my family don't believe in aspergers let alone Cassandra syndrome so no support there and I just have felt so alone now that I think it is literally draining the life from me, thank you but I think tony is alot of my reach >> >> Sent from my iPhone>> >> >> >>> >>> You might try Tony Attwood @ tony@... He is in your area and also sits on the board of FAAAS who helped coin the phrase Cassandra syndrome or who has the FAAAS suport group @faaas@...>>> >>> May the force be with you.>>> >>> Best regards.>>> >>> >>> >> >> >> > > ----------> Cartesian Bear at Zazzle: Shirts and Gifts: http://www.zazzle.com/cartesianbear?rf=238831668488066559> Zazzle Coupons: http://www.zazzle.com/coupons?rf=238831668488066559 > > Knit Suite: Mobile Apps for Knitters http://knitsuite.polymathsolution.com> > Gifts for Knitters: http://www.squidoo.com/gifts-for-knitters> > > > ------------------------------------> > " We each have our own way of living in the world, together we are like a symphony.> Some are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony > It all blends together, we are like a symphony, and each part is crucial.> We all contribute to the song of life. " > ...Sondra > > We might not always agree; but TOGETHER we will make a difference.> > ASPIRES is a closed, confidential, moderated list.> Responsibility for posts to ASPIRES lies entirely with the original author.> Do NOT post mail off-list without the author's permission.> When in doubt, please refer to our list rules at:> http://www.aspires-relationships.com/info_rules.htm> ASPIRES ~ Climbing the mountain TOGETHER> http://www.aspires-relationships.com> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 8, 2011 Report Share Posted December 8, 2011 Leesa, May I email you off list? I have many more things I could share with you but it means talking frankly about my husband and out of respect for him he and I would prefer that it not be on the list. Deb From: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of LeesaSent: December-07-11 3:29 PMTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Re: Leesa All very fair questions, I am not on good money I live in a government house , I had two children before I had met him, my son is 22 and daughter is 18 they help me make it financially through the weeks, I had to stop working as I had the two toddlers,I get paid as a career for the other two for their aspergers this is how I make it through, my eldest kids and my careers payment and gov ( cheaper rent ) I would be lost if I didn't have these !! I always wanted alot of children the first two in this relationship were I guess the start and I made excuses then 8 years later I almost 40 wanted one more before my time was up, my AS husband is five years under me in age and I was in a bit of a rush to finish my " family " so I had another and only 3 months later I was preg again with another, I have since taken care of this so it doesn't happen again, but I buy in bulk cook in bulk keep clothes in storage funny enough I have my 2 year old wearing my 22 year olds clothes from when he was that age, thankfully I keep things to re-use or I do believe I would have more on my plate than I do now and I feel over whelmed enough as it is ! What keeps me here, statistics ! I already had my first son with one man whom I left for his alcohol abuse, I then left my daughters father for his drug abuse, I don't drink and I don't do drugs never have, I spent 2 years with my sons father I was 15-17 an then I spent from 18-25 with my daughters dad thinking I could get him off drugs and 6months after that relationship I started dating my friend " now husband " I didn't realize a relationship would be so different , I am almost 40 and have lived in misery from about the 2nd year while I was preg, things started to show that were really abnormal, he slept over at his ex's house in her bed while I was preg and thought nothing of it, then other things happened that just killed my soul, I just wanted so badly to make it work and now realize I can't I will be that statistic with 6 kids 3 different fathers:(Sent from my iPhone I have to ask, has he always been this way with you and the kids? If he was the same way with your first child, why did you continue to keep having children with him? I’m not asking to be mean, people tend to take me the wrong way. It just seems highly illogical to me. I mean, look at the facts. You’re working and paying all the bills, which means you make decent money. I imagine feeding a family that size gets expensive. Which means you’re obviously financially stable. You’re already doing it all on your own. You said the cooking, cleaning and child-rearing is all on you too. Why do you even need him? What is keeping you there? This is my .02 on AS/NT relationships. Both sides require concessions and sacrifices. For example, over the years (I have been married to an NT for 14 years) I have learned that I have to force myself to make time for him. Would I rather be left alone and get lost in a video game than watch a movie I have no interest in watching and listen to his day at work… honestly, yes. I may not feel the need for emotional bonding that he does on a constant basis, but I’ve learned to get other benefits from making him happy. I’ve learned that we have a system of exchange. When I make him happy, he makes me happy. When I give a little emotional bonding time, I usually get a fair amount of alone time in return. And when he gives me the space I need, I am much happier and work harder to be a better partner to him. I think the hardest thing for my husband has been accepting that there are some thing I can’t change. I can change behaviors, but I can’t make feelings appear that aren’t there. Like I said, give a little get a little. He has had to learn to accept that I am what I am. I have many good qualities. I’m sure your husband has some too. I’m like crab legs. I’m a lot of work and what you get in return after all that work seems small. But it’s worth it because what you do get is pure and total awesomeness. Anyway, just my thoughts. From: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of LeesaSent: Wednesday, December 07, 2011 8:33 AMTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Re: Leesa Thank you so much , actually I am so greatful to everyone today, I added myself to this group wow 2 years ago almost 3 and just read and never spoke, but lately it's gettin more and more difficult to hold it in , I have always tried to be understanding to his AS and to the fact our two sons 9 and 11 have it but with 6 kids 2 of which of babies 1 and 2 and me doing everything on my own bills, finances and looking after babies and cooking cleanin( when I can) its all too much for one person, he locks into the tv and doesn't even hear his kids call his name he doesn't notice when I am crying , I've never been acknowledged birthdays Xmas anniversaries I am nothing special to him, I already have no family but my children ,I don't have an adult someone / partner who loves me enough to care of these things or even our kids, I feel so alone ! But today people here have been soooo overwhelmingly wonderful , I used to have friends till I got involved with my husband now I have no one notIn the real world & that hurts cause I used to be a very happy go lucky person smiling and bubbly and energetic and now I am a blimp who is alone and pitiful !Sent from my iPhone> Leesa --> > First, welcome to Aspires. We do understand here, and try to be supportive and understanding. If you have any specific incidents you need to share/vent, this is the place to do it.> > Another good thing to do here is ask questions … we have male and female Aspies, some who have learned to be very understanding, and female NTs who have learned to make their marriages work well. I don't remember if we have any NT husbands, though.> > It does sound like you need some support from someone who understands. Do contact Tony Atwood … he may not be out of your reach. Many " famous in their field " people are easily reachable and charge standard rates.> > Or he might point you to a local support group. Also good for that would be the closest Asperger's center. Most of them have support for NT family members. My local center has a support group for women divorcing AS men … the timing doesn't work for me.> > And stick around here … sometimes we can seem clueless and a little harsh, but we are all trying to understand our brains and together we make the world better for all of us.> > --Liz> AS woman divorcing AS man> > > > >> >> >> I have seen him speak at our local club , when my son was diagnosed and then the second son was and the. I registered my husband has it and I have slowly felt I was drowing and there's no one who understands , my family don't believe in aspergers let alone Cassandra syndrome so no support there and I just have felt so alone now that I think it is literally draining the life from me, thank you but I think tony is alot of my reach >> >> Sent from my iPhone>> >> >> >>> >>> You might try Tony Attwood @ tony@... He is in your area and also sits on the board of FAAAS who helped coin the phrase Cassandra syndrome or who has the FAAAS suport group @faaas@...>>> >>> May the force be with you.>>> >>> Best regards.>>> >>> >>> >> >> >> > > ----------> Cartesian Bear at Zazzle: Shirts and Gifts: http://www.zazzle.com/cartesianbear?rf=238831668488066559> Zazzle Coupons: http://www.zazzle.com/coupons?rf=238831668488066559 > > Knit Suite: Mobile Apps for Knitters http://knitsuite.polymathsolution.com> > Gifts for Knitters: http://www.squidoo.com/gifts-for-knitters> > > > ------------------------------------> > " We each have our own way of living in the world, together we are like a symphony.> Some are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony > It all blends together, we are like a symphony, and each part is crucial.> We all contribute to the song of life. " > ...Sondra > > We might not always agree; but TOGETHER we will make a difference.> > ASPIRES is a closed, confidential, moderated list.> Responsibility for posts to ASPIRES lies entirely with the original author.> Do NOT post mail off-list without the author's permission.> When in doubt, please refer to our list rules at:> http://www.aspires-relationships.com/info_rules.htm> ASPIRES ~ Climbing the mountain TOGETHER> http://www.aspires-relationships.com> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 8, 2011 Report Share Posted December 8, 2011 Leesa, May I email you off list? I have many more things I could share with you but it means talking frankly about my husband and out of respect for him he and I would prefer that it not be on the list. Deb From: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of LeesaSent: December-07-11 3:29 PMTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Re: Leesa All very fair questions, I am not on good money I live in a government house , I had two children before I had met him, my son is 22 and daughter is 18 they help me make it financially through the weeks, I had to stop working as I had the two toddlers,I get paid as a career for the other two for their aspergers this is how I make it through, my eldest kids and my careers payment and gov ( cheaper rent ) I would be lost if I didn't have these !! I always wanted alot of children the first two in this relationship were I guess the start and I made excuses then 8 years later I almost 40 wanted one more before my time was up, my AS husband is five years under me in age and I was in a bit of a rush to finish my " family " so I had another and only 3 months later I was preg again with another, I have since taken care of this so it doesn't happen again, but I buy in bulk cook in bulk keep clothes in storage funny enough I have my 2 year old wearing my 22 year olds clothes from when he was that age, thankfully I keep things to re-use or I do believe I would have more on my plate than I do now and I feel over whelmed enough as it is ! What keeps me here, statistics ! I already had my first son with one man whom I left for his alcohol abuse, I then left my daughters father for his drug abuse, I don't drink and I don't do drugs never have, I spent 2 years with my sons father I was 15-17 an then I spent from 18-25 with my daughters dad thinking I could get him off drugs and 6months after that relationship I started dating my friend " now husband " I didn't realize a relationship would be so different , I am almost 40 and have lived in misery from about the 2nd year while I was preg, things started to show that were really abnormal, he slept over at his ex's house in her bed while I was preg and thought nothing of it, then other things happened that just killed my soul, I just wanted so badly to make it work and now realize I can't I will be that statistic with 6 kids 3 different fathers:(Sent from my iPhone I have to ask, has he always been this way with you and the kids? If he was the same way with your first child, why did you continue to keep having children with him? I’m not asking to be mean, people tend to take me the wrong way. It just seems highly illogical to me. I mean, look at the facts. You’re working and paying all the bills, which means you make decent money. I imagine feeding a family that size gets expensive. Which means you’re obviously financially stable. You’re already doing it all on your own. You said the cooking, cleaning and child-rearing is all on you too. Why do you even need him? What is keeping you there? This is my .02 on AS/NT relationships. Both sides require concessions and sacrifices. For example, over the years (I have been married to an NT for 14 years) I have learned that I have to force myself to make time for him. Would I rather be left alone and get lost in a video game than watch a movie I have no interest in watching and listen to his day at work… honestly, yes. I may not feel the need for emotional bonding that he does on a constant basis, but I’ve learned to get other benefits from making him happy. I’ve learned that we have a system of exchange. When I make him happy, he makes me happy. When I give a little emotional bonding time, I usually get a fair amount of alone time in return. And when he gives me the space I need, I am much happier and work harder to be a better partner to him. I think the hardest thing for my husband has been accepting that there are some thing I can’t change. I can change behaviors, but I can’t make feelings appear that aren’t there. Like I said, give a little get a little. He has had to learn to accept that I am what I am. I have many good qualities. I’m sure your husband has some too. I’m like crab legs. I’m a lot of work and what you get in return after all that work seems small. But it’s worth it because what you do get is pure and total awesomeness. Anyway, just my thoughts. From: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of LeesaSent: Wednesday, December 07, 2011 8:33 AMTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Re: Leesa Thank you so much , actually I am so greatful to everyone today, I added myself to this group wow 2 years ago almost 3 and just read and never spoke, but lately it's gettin more and more difficult to hold it in , I have always tried to be understanding to his AS and to the fact our two sons 9 and 11 have it but with 6 kids 2 of which of babies 1 and 2 and me doing everything on my own bills, finances and looking after babies and cooking cleanin( when I can) its all too much for one person, he locks into the tv and doesn't even hear his kids call his name he doesn't notice when I am crying , I've never been acknowledged birthdays Xmas anniversaries I am nothing special to him, I already have no family but my children ,I don't have an adult someone / partner who loves me enough to care of these things or even our kids, I feel so alone ! But today people here have been soooo overwhelmingly wonderful , I used to have friends till I got involved with my husband now I have no one notIn the real world & that hurts cause I used to be a very happy go lucky person smiling and bubbly and energetic and now I am a blimp who is alone and pitiful !Sent from my iPhone> Leesa --> > First, welcome to Aspires. We do understand here, and try to be supportive and understanding. If you have any specific incidents you need to share/vent, this is the place to do it.> > Another good thing to do here is ask questions … we have male and female Aspies, some who have learned to be very understanding, and female NTs who have learned to make their marriages work well. I don't remember if we have any NT husbands, though.> > It does sound like you need some support from someone who understands. Do contact Tony Atwood … he may not be out of your reach. Many " famous in their field " people are easily reachable and charge standard rates.> > Or he might point you to a local support group. Also good for that would be the closest Asperger's center. Most of them have support for NT family members. My local center has a support group for women divorcing AS men … the timing doesn't work for me.> > And stick around here … sometimes we can seem clueless and a little harsh, but we are all trying to understand our brains and together we make the world better for all of us.> > --Liz> AS woman divorcing AS man> > > > >> >> >> I have seen him speak at our local club , when my son was diagnosed and then the second son was and the. I registered my husband has it and I have slowly felt I was drowing and there's no one who understands , my family don't believe in aspergers let alone Cassandra syndrome so no support there and I just have felt so alone now that I think it is literally draining the life from me, thank you but I think tony is alot of my reach >> >> Sent from my iPhone>> >> >> >>> >>> You might try Tony Attwood @ tony@... He is in your area and also sits on the board of FAAAS who helped coin the phrase Cassandra syndrome or who has the FAAAS suport group @faaas@...>>> >>> May the force be with you.>>> >>> Best regards.>>> >>> >>> >> >> >> > > ----------> Cartesian Bear at Zazzle: Shirts and Gifts: http://www.zazzle.com/cartesianbear?rf=238831668488066559> Zazzle Coupons: http://www.zazzle.com/coupons?rf=238831668488066559 > > Knit Suite: Mobile Apps for Knitters http://knitsuite.polymathsolution.com> > Gifts for Knitters: http://www.squidoo.com/gifts-for-knitters> > > > ------------------------------------> > " We each have our own way of living in the world, together we are like a symphony.> Some are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony > It all blends together, we are like a symphony, and each part is crucial.> We all contribute to the song of life. " > ...Sondra > > We might not always agree; but TOGETHER we will make a difference.> > ASPIRES is a closed, confidential, moderated list.> Responsibility for posts to ASPIRES lies entirely with the original author.> Do NOT post mail off-list without the author's permission.> When in doubt, please refer to our list rules at:> http://www.aspires-relationships.com/info_rules.htm> ASPIRES ~ Climbing the mountain TOGETHER> http://www.aspires-relationships.com> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 9, 2011 Report Share Posted December 9, 2011 Deb: Thank you for that beautiful post. This is exactly what I had to learn to make my marriage to my AS husband a happy one and I feel terrible guilt for all the years I now know that I was hurting him as much as he was hurting me prior to his dx. I almost think that the world is more unkind to women Aspies because a certain amount of social awkwardness, or what can look like selfishness, coldness, etc. is more acceptable from an man than it is from a woman. We seem to cut men a lot more slack than we cut women as far as social skills are concerned. I worry about this mostly because I have a 30 year old undiagnosed daughter who is separated with a 5 year old and no friends. Her affect is flat and people always assume she is bored, doesn’t care, doesn’t like them, is angry, etc. I don’t know the answer but I wish we lived in a world where we asked more questions and made fewer assumptions. Cheers,Deb From: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of Hacker, Sent: December-07-11 2:05 PMTo: aspires-relationships Subject: RE: Leesa I just thought of a point I that might be helpful to know. A lot of times, you aren’t the only ones suffering. I don’t think my husband realized that a lot. We may not cry or get all emotional when we’re feeling pain, but sometimes retreating IS our expression of pain and frustration. For example, I often feel like everything in our relationship (mine and my husband’s) is my fault in his eyes. Early in our marriage, I did not participate in the maintenance of the household as I should have. I didn’t have the organization or planning skills to coordinate tasks like planning good meals or keeping the house tidy. I would be unable to focus on a particular task, get overwhelmed with being unable to see how to finish it, and retreat to what was most comfortable for me… video games. So a lot of the first 10 years of our marriage involved him berating me constantly over my lack of participation in the upkeep of our daily lives. I started to feel like I couldn’t please him. I felt like he thought he was above me, like a boss. I felt like he hated me. My self-esteem suffered greatly. Note, this was all before I knew what AS even was. I felt lazy and worthless. I was hurting just as much as he was, with some key differences. Where he would get angry over his frustrations and blow up at me, I retreated. The more he complained, the further I wanted to withdraw. I didn’t know how to talk to him, didn’t know how to explain myself. I didn’t think he’d care. So retreat seemed like the best option. But it’s a vicious cycle. They scream, you retreat. They see you retreating and it kills them, so they scream longer and louder. You retreat more. Neither of you understands what the other is feeling or what the other one needs. I love my husband, but I wasn’t showing him in a way he could understand. And he loved me, but the lack of warmth from my end was making him crazy. NT’s have preconceived ideas about what certain gestures, facial features and actions mean. It’s very hard for them to accept that what you are feeling and thinking and what they THINK you are thinking and feeling are usually polar opposites. I’ve found that he was looking for emotional cues from me. When he didn’t receive any, he assumed I didn’t care. Whereas I was looking for straightforward verbal explanations from him, which I wasn’t getting. It’s all a matter of figuring out what communication works best for the other person and going with it. Anyway, just thought I’d share some insight into my own experience from the other side. From: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of DebSent: Wednesday, December 07, 2011 4:52 PMTo: aspires-relationships Subject: RE: Leesa YES!!! To everything said. Take care of YOU however you can. Be kind to yourself. Be easy with yourself. Cut yourself lots of slack. You are definitely NOT responsible for him, he is an adult. And remember who you are, what made you happy and try to find some time to do any little thing that you remember that brought you joy. It may not bring you joy at the moment but in time it may help reconnect you with who you are and the joy may return. Sending you strength and compassion,Deb From: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of NewlandSent: December-07-11 12:29 AMTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Leesa  Leesa: What you describe is very much the Cassandra Syndrome or being Aspergated. There is a book titled: Life with a Partner or Spouse with Asperger Syndrome: Going over the Edge? by Kathy J.Marshack, Ph.D.; Foreword by Shore, Ed.D. The most IMPORTANT thing you can do is realize you are NOT alone and take care of YOU. You cannot change your partner, only he is capable of that. One option would be to seek counseling for yourself and work on YOU and rebuilding your self esteem so you can be a strong and healthy person and parent to your children. Someone mentioned ASPIA which is a support group in your country for spouses of AS partners. Carol Grigg is the contact @ info@... / 0432 507 828 / http://www.aspia.org.au/ She might be able to put you in touch with local resources in your area. One of the issues with our health care system is we tend to treat the person in front of us and not the family which all the research points to regardless of the issue. We develop rules and roles in relationships and when one person changes or grows it changes ALL the dynamics in that relationship. This has nothing to do with autism but more along the lines of human behavior. You don't have to have autism not to like change or sabotage/resent the change. It is part of our human development. My advice would be to work on YOU with counseling or support and try to figure out HOW you got to to the point where you are and what your options are and most importantly to take back control of your life. You are NOT responsible for his behavior, but are responsible for YOURS! It is very easy to be a co-dependent or enabler and think, " If I don't take care for him, who will, " regardless on how that behavior affects YOU and your kids. This is thinking of a person in a care taker role and not a partner. He might not be in a position to see how his behavior affects you and the children at the moment and still, that is not YOUR responsibility, it is his. We have had many threads on ASPIRES on this subject. Stay strong and get healthy and that in itself is a tall order and a BIG step that can change the direction that your life goes in. This is just one option and I am hoping others will give you other's. This just happened to work for me and it was a long and hard process of self-development. Others might have other advice??????? The very Best and you are NOT alone!!!!!!!! May the force be with you!!!!!!!!!!!! ----------------------------------------- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 9, 2011 Report Share Posted December 9, 2011 Yes plz email me , off the list xxxSent from my iPhone Leesa, May I email you off list? I have many more things I could share with you but it means talking frankly about my husband and out of respect for him he and I would prefer that it not be on the list. Deb From: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of LeesaSent: December-07-11 3:29 PMTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Re: Leesa All very fair questions, I am not on good money I live in a government house , I had two children before I had met him, my son is 22 and daughter is 18 they help me make it financially through the weeks, I had to stop working as I had the two toddlers,I get paid as a career for the other two for their aspergers this is how I make it through, my eldest kids and my careers payment and gov ( cheaper rent ) I would be lost if I didn't have these !! I always wanted alot of children the first two in this relationship were I guess the start and I made excuses then 8 years later I almost 40 wanted one more before my time was up, my AS husband is five years under me in age and I was in a bit of a rush to finish my " family " so I had another and only 3 months later I was preg again with another, I have since taken care of this so it doesn't happen again, but I buy in bulk cook in bulk keep clothes in storage funny enough I have my 2 year old wearing my 22 year olds clothes from when he was that age, thankfully I keep things to re-use or I do believe I would have more on my plate than I do now and I feel over whelmed enough as it is ! What keeps me here, statistics ! I already had my first son with one man whom I left for his alcohol abuse, I then left my daughters father for his drug abuse, I don't drink and I don't do drugs never have, I spent 2 years with my sons father I was 15-17 an then I spent from 18-25 with my daughters dad thinking I could get him off drugs and 6months after that relationship I started dating my friend " now husband" I didn't realize a relationship would be so different , I am almost 40 and have lived in misery from about the 2nd year while I was preg, things started to show that were really abnormal, he slept over at his ex's house in her bed while I was preg and thought nothing of it, then other things happened that just killed my soul, I just wanted so badly to make it work and now realize I can't I will be that statistic with 6 kids 3 different fathers:(Sent from my iPhone I have to ask, has he always been this way with you and the kids? If he was the same way with your first child, why did you continue to keep having children with him? I’m not asking to be mean, people tend to take me the wrong way. It just seems highly illogical to me. I mean, look at the facts. You’re working and paying all the bills, which means you make decent money. I imagine feeding a family that size gets expensive. Which means you’re obviously financially stable. You’re already doing it all on your own. You said the cooking, cleaning and child-rearing is all on you too. Why do you even need him? What is keeping you there? This is my .02 on AS/NT relationships. Both sides require concessions and sacrifices. For example, over the years (I have been married to an NT for 14 years) I have learned that I have to force myself to make time for him. Would I rather be left alone and get lost in a video game than watch a movie I have no interest in watching and listen to his day at work… honestly, yes. I may not feel the need for emotional bonding that he does on a constant basis, but I’ve learned to get other benefits from making him happy. I’ve learned that we have a system of exchange. When I make him happy, he makes me happy. When I give a little emotional bonding time, I usually get a fair amount of alone time in return. And when he gives me the space I need, I am much happier and work harder to be a better partner to him. I think the hardest thing for my husband has been accepting that there are some thing I can’t change. I can change behaviors, but I can’t make feelings appear that aren’t there. Like I said, give a little get a little. He has had to learn to accept that I am what I am. I have many good qualities. I’m sure your husband has some too. I’m like crab legs. I’m a lot of work and what you get in return after all that work seems small. But it’s worth it because what you do get is pure and total awesomeness. Anyway, just my thoughts. From: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of LeesaSent: Wednesday, December 07, 2011 8:33 AMTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Re: Leesa Thank you so much , actually I am so greatful to everyone today, I added myself to this group wow 2 years ago almost 3 and just read and never spoke, but lately it's gettin more and more difficult to hold it in , I have always tried to be understanding to his AS and to the fact our two sons 9 and 11 have it but with 6 kids 2 of which of babies 1 and 2 and me doing everything on my own bills, finances and looking after babies and cooking cleanin( when I can) its all too much for one person, he locks into the tv and doesn't even hear his kids call his name he doesn't notice when I am crying , I've never been acknowledged birthdays Xmas anniversaries I am nothing special to him, I already have no family but my children ,I don't have an adult someone / partner who loves me enough to care of these things or even our kids, I feel so alone ! But today people here have been soooo overwhelmingly wonderful , I used to have friends till I got involved with my husband now I have no one notIn the real world & that hurts cause I used to be a very happy go lucky person smiling and bubbly and energetic and now I am a blimp who is alone and pitiful !Sent from my iPhone> Leesa --> > First, welcome to Aspires. We do understand here, and try to be supportive and understanding. If you have any specific incidents you need to share/vent, this is the place to do it.> > Another good thing to do here is ask questions … we have male and female Aspies, some who have learned to be very understanding, and female NTs who have learned to make their marriages work well. I don't remember if we have any NT husbands, though.> > It does sound like you need some support from someone who understands. Do contact Tony Atwood … he may not be out of your reach. Many "famous in their field" people are easily reachable and charge standard rates.> > Or he might point you to a local support group. Also good for that would be the closest Asperger's center. Most of them have support for NT family members. My local center has a support group for women divorcing AS men … the timing doesn't work for me.> > And stick around here … sometimes we can seem clueless and a little harsh, but we are all trying to understand our brains and together we make the world better for all of us.> > --Liz> AS woman divorcing AS man> > > > >> >> >> I have seen him speak at our local club , when my son was diagnosed and then the second son was and the. I registered my husband has it and I have slowly felt I was drowing and there's no one who understands , my family don't believe in aspergers let alone Cassandra syndrome so no support there and I just have felt so alone now that I think it is literally draining the life from me, thank you but I think tony is alot of my reach >> >> Sent from my iPhone>> >> >> >>> >>> You might try Tony Attwood @ tony@... He is in your area and also sits on the board of FAAAS who helped coin the phrase Cassandra syndrome or who has the FAAAS suport group @faaas@...>>> >>> May the force be with you.>>> >>> Best regards.>>> >>> >>> >> >> >> > > ----------> Cartesian Bear at Zazzle: Shirts and Gifts: http://www.zazzle.com/cartesianbear?rf=238831668488066559> Zazzle Coupons: http://www.zazzle.com/coupons?rf=238831668488066559 > > Knit Suite: Mobile Apps for Knitters http://knitsuite.polymathsolution.com> > Gifts for Knitters: http://www.squidoo.com/gifts-for-knitters> > > > ------------------------------------> > "We each have our own way of living in the world, together we are like a symphony.> Some are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony > It all blends together, we are like a symphony, and each part is crucial.> We all contribute to the song of life."> ...Sondra > > We might not always agree; but TOGETHER we will make a difference.> > ASPIRES is a closed, confidential, moderated list.> Responsibility for posts to ASPIRES lies entirely with the original author.> Do NOT post mail off-list without the author's permission.> When in doubt, please refer to our list rules at:> http://www.aspires-relationships.com/info_rules.htm> ASPIRES ~ Climbing the mountain TOGETHER> http://www.aspires-relationships.com> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 10, 2011 Report Share Posted December 10, 2011 I have found this string of posts to be very interesting. My son is undiagnosed AS and is 21 years old. He refuses to look at the possibility that he has AS. He has had two relationships and both have been verbally and emotionally abusive. The second was even worse than the first. I am now a special education teacher and I feel that it would be very beneficial for him to get diagnosed. We tried throughout his life to find out why he had so much difficulty in school in spite of how smart he was. No one suspected he had AS until he was almost out of high school. Trying to figure out what was going on with him made him feel he was broken. I feel if he can understand the challenges he has, perhaps he can get the kind of support that he needs from others, and maybe he can find someone that is not abusive. I do not believe that his AS causes people to abuse him, but I do wonder if some of the incidences could have been mitigated had they understood his condition. These two women also have been young, so maturity on their part had also not happened. I know my son is difficult to deal with, but he makes a tremendous effort to do what he believes is right for these women and puts his needs on hold because he thinks that is what he should do. Unfortunately, he has nothing left for his friends or family. He sooooo wants to have friendships, but when he has these women in his life there is not much room for other relationships, which is a hallmark of an abusive relationship. I am so touched with your desire to make things better with your wife and the need to have her tell you what she needs and how she feels. I see your compassion and empathy, which touches on a previous post awhile back about people with AS having the ability to be empathic. In fact often they are very empathic to the point that it can be overwhelming at times. I believe that is certainly true for my son. Although the ability to be empathic is harder when it is about his behavior, and much easier when he sees injustice in the world. At some point I hope that my son will get diagnosed and embrace the diagnosis because there is so much that is good with AS, but there are also areas that are really challenging, and I believe that only through understanding can those challenges be dealt with. When one person has the understanding (parent or partner) they are the ones making all of the accommodations and it seems that it leaves that person feeling depleted and unfulfilled. Since I have recognized that he has AS, I have dealt with him very differently than when I saw his behavior as being volitional. However, it means every employer, girlfriend etc... has to re-invent the wheel and figure out how to interact with him or work with him. I think if he can have that self knowledge his life will be easier. I see in my career as a special education teacher that the students who have the greatest understanding of their condition or disability have the greatest success, because they own who they are, and they will advocate for themselves. I really appreciate what one person said about she is like crab legs. It might be a lot of work to get into it but when you do there is a treasure. That is definitely my son. He is a real treasure and there are some big challenges in terms of hygiene, work and communication but the person he is inside is a true gem. He tries to communicate and if it is a really tough issue we use written communication and follow up with talking. His integrity though is beyond anything I have ever seen with anyone else. He does not do drugs because he feels there are too many victims in drug smuggling that he does not want to participate in that industry. I do not post often here, but I really appreciate this forum as it gives me some insight into what he might experience as he develops new relationships, and it gives me ideas of how to interact with him better. Judi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 11, 2011 Report Share Posted December 11, 2011 Hello Judi, Good to hear from you again, and regards to Val. I recall that your son is a very intensive kind of chap, and its an all or nothing thing with him? Ian tells me that when he is interested in someone/something (me, for example), it becomes his hobby and he is all out for that person/thing. He wont listen to anyone else. He has learned over the years to temper his enthusiasm as it led to disappointment, and in many cases before he met me, he went cold on the person, and they were bewildered and angry. We had our own bad period just before diagnosis, where Ian tried my patience beyond endurance, by trying to get me to understand his behaviours through intensive, almost bullying, ways. Your son being diagnosed may help him understand his behaviours, perhaps clear up confusion, and give him breathing space. With that, he could learn to step back a bit and not rush into the china shop in his bull's costume. You, as worried parents, perhaps need to look at his AS traits and see what he is all about. And then you might not worry too much about him, you can nurture his goodness. If you can then help him overcome his intensity and spread himself a bit more thinly, rather than go all out for the first warm blooded creature that passes by, like a flea on a dog. He might be doing this because he feels unable to connect with others? And if he has a success, however fluke'ish this might be, he cant judge if its real or not. You'll be wanting him to be able to look out for himself and have a gratifying experience in relationships. He will be thinking, this is how it is, because if he is like my Ian, he will as a young person, be baseing his 'reality' on scripts, how it looks on T, what romantics do in the films, and be expecting it all to turn out happy in the end. Ian spent his youth misjudging situations, missing cues, and getting it wrong, either offending people or going in too hard. He couldnt judge when he was being used, or when the person was being unkind to him. He blissfully went through with his own mindset, which was based on that script, the romantic films, and how he felt, in his mind, things he imagined, rather than knew or learnt by experience. Your son will need to have outcomes and experiences discussed and explained, and he would need to hear from others that he is being put through the mill, but how he has done well, that this or that has happened, and what he could do about this 'next time', Praise and advice. Revise and discuss, rehearse. Its ok to make mistakes, and its ok to wait, not to rush, and he will be happy soon. Your son could come to understand that he wont be lonely or miserable all the time, and there is someone out there. He needs friends, perhaps, rather than lovers. If he learns to be friends, he wont feel obligated or needy? Tony Atwoods, The Complete Asperger, might help? Good luck with this, and you and Val are doing a good job, Judy B, Scotland. Subject: Re: LeesaTo: aspires-relationships Date: Saturday, 10 December, 2011, 17:17 I have found this string of posts to be very interesting. My son is undiagnosed AS and is 21 years old. He refuses to look at the possibility that he has AS. He has had two relationships and both have been verbally and emotionally abusive. The second was even worse than the first. I am now a special education teacher and I feel that it would be very beneficial for him to get diagnosed. We tried throughout his life to find out why he had so much difficulty in school in spite of how smart he was. No one suspected he had AS until he was almost out of high school. Trying to figure out what was going on with him made him feel he was broken. I feel if he can understand the challenges he has, perhaps he can get the kind of support that he needs from others, and maybe he can find someone that is not abusive. I do not believe that his AS causes people to abuse him, but I do wonder if some of the incidences could have been mitigated had they understood his condition. These two women also have been young, so maturity on their part had also not happened. I know my son is difficult to deal with, but he makes a tremendous effort to do what he believes is right for these women and puts his needs on hold because he thinks that is what he should do. Unfortunately, he has nothing left for his friends or family. He sooooo wants to have friendships, but when he has these women in his life there is not much room for other relationships, which is a hallmark of an abusive relationship.I am so touched with your desire to make things better with your wife and the need to have her tell you what she needs and how she feels. I see your compassion and empathy, which touches on a previous post awhile back about people with AS having the ability to be empathic. In fact often they are very empathic to the point that it can be overwhelming at times. I believe that is certainly true for my son. Although the ability to be empathic is harder when it is about his behavior, and much easier when he sees injustice in the world. At some point I hope that my son will get diagnosed and embrace the diagnosis because there is so much that is good with AS, but there are also areas that are really challenging, and I believe that only through understanding can those challenges be dealt with. When one person has the understanding (parent or partner) they are the ones making all of the accommodations and it seems that it leaves that person feeling depleted and unfulfilled. Since I have recognized that he has AS, I have dealt with him very differently than when I saw his behavior as being volitional. However, it means every employer, girlfriend etc... has to re-invent the wheel and figure out how to interact with him or work with him. I think if he can have that self knowledge his life will be easier. I see in my career as a special education teacher that the students who have the greatest understanding of their condition or disability have the greatest success, because they own who they are, and they will advocate for themselves.I really appreciate what one person said about she is like crab legs. It might be a lot of work to get into it but when you do there is a treasure. That is definitely my son. He is a real treasure and there are some big challenges in terms of hygiene, work and communication but the person he is inside is a true gem. He tries to communicate and if it is a really tough issue we use written communication and follow up with talking. His integrity though is beyond anything I have ever seen with anyone else. He does not do drugs because he feels there are too many victims in drug smuggling that he does not want to participate in that industry.I do not post often here, but I really appreciate this forum as it gives me some insight into what he might experience as he develops new relationships, and it gives me ideas of how to interact with him better.Judi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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