Torn...

July 31, 2007

Greetings everybody,

I went to visit mom this evening. It was nice to see her. I feel so bad

having her in some facility. It sucks having to go home and leave her

there. I want so much to have her here with me but due to having a

newborn that is enough work in itself. Plus, I go out of town

occasionally with my hubby when he works. I know she would be much

happier being with me. She loves seeing her grandson, puts many smiles

on her face.

But I know if I took her in, it'd wind up being too much as it was on my

brother when she lived with him. I'd be calling and complaining to him.

I just feel so horrible having to leave her in some facility and she

gets so upset that she goes and gets all of her belongings hoping she

can go home with me. She's been doing this the last 3 weeks since she's

been in this place every time I come in. I hate it, I hate it. I think

she feels abandoned and fears being dumped off some place for the rest

of her life. Am I doing the right thing? Ugh..........

July 31, 2007

Mel,

I know it is hard. I also know when it becomes " home " to her (and you) she will

do better with a schedule that if designed for her.

When Mom was with me, she had to live a real life schedule and it sometimes got

the best of her. Once she got use to living in the nh, she could depend on a

steady schedule for meals, play time and bed time. It is simplified and really

a lot better for the dementia person.

She can still see her grandson when you bring him. We brought my daughter's son

from the time he was little and mom loved to visit with him, But a little was a

lot.

When I had her with me and my daughter has to take care of her sometimes, the

kids got way to much for her.

I know this doesn't help you much right now, but you do have a life and it is

difficult to blend the two. I had a hard time and it was only Mom and I.

Hugs,

Donna R

Caregave for Mom (after I brought her from WI to MI) for 3 years and 4th year in

a nh.

She was almost 89 when she died in '02. No dx other than mine.

Torn...

Greetings everybody,

I went to visit mom this evening. It was nice to see her. I feel so bad

having her in some facility. It sucks having to go home and leave her

there. I want so much to have her here with me but due to having a

newborn that is enough work in itself. Plus, I go out of town

occasionally with my hubby when he works. I know she would be much

happier being with me. She loves seeing her grandson, puts many smiles

on her face.

But I know if I took her in, it'd wind up being too much as it was on my

brother when she lived with him. I'd be calling and complaining to him.

I just feel so horrible having to leave her in some facility and she

gets so upset that she goes and gets all of her belongings hoping she

can go home with me. She's been doing this the last 3 weeks since she's

been in this place every time I come in. I hate it, I hate it. I think

she feels abandoned and fears being dumped off some place for the rest

of her life. Am I doing the right thing? Ugh..........

July 31, 2007

Mel,

Because you visit your mom as often as possible, she stands a better chance of

getting the best care that this NH can provide.

When my great Aunt went into the NH.. she actually bloomed for a while. She did

better in the Nursing home regime than she had been doing immediately prior to

that in my mom's homecare. The nursing home has more people and regular

patterns that help some people thrive.

Taking care of a loved elder with LBD is more than a full time job, even for

several family caretakers. The care requirements eventually wear down most

in-home caretakers, even when they have additional family to help.

After several years of caring for my LBD mother at home, I can't imagine also

trying to take care of a new born at the same time. When my grandkids visited,

their routine squabbles & " kid noises " sometimes put mom into a tearful panic.

As much as I love the little-ones, there were simply times that I had to ask my

son to take the kids home. Hearing the kids squabble was bad for my LBD mom, but

a fussy or crying baby really upset her.

With a new born at home, you simply cannot provide the level of care that your

mom will require. It isn't lack of love, but rather knowing your limits, and

doing the best for her that you can.

Dann

mel374 wrote:

Greetings everybody,

I went to visit mom this evening. It was nice to see her. I feel so bad

having her in some facility. It sucks having to go home and leave her

there. I want so much to have her here with me but due to having a

newborn that is enough work in itself. Plus, I go out of town

occasionally with my hubby when he works. I know she would be much

happier being with me. She loves seeing her grandson, puts many smiles

on her face.

But I know if I took her in, it'd wind up being too much as it was on my

brother when she lived with him. I'd be calling and complaining to him.

I just feel so horrible having to leave her in some facility and she

gets so upset that she goes and gets all of her belongings hoping she

can go home with me. She's been doing this the last 3 weeks since she's

been in this place every time I come in. I hate it, I hate it. I think

she feels abandoned and fears being dumped off some place for the rest

of her life. Am I doing the right thing? Ugh..........

July 31, 2007

Mel, one suggestion. I know others have made them, I just haven't read their

mail yet. Can you bring your Mom home, say for two days, for a visit and

then take her back? That is what happened with Jan and her Jim. The arrangement

worked well for her, and for Jim.

I haven't had to place my sweet husband yet, but I will some day, so I will

wait for other suggestions.

Love a bunch,

Imogene

In a message dated 7/31/2007 1:00:05 AM Central Daylight Time,

mel374@... writes:

Greetings everybody,

I went to visit mom this evening. It was nice to see her. I feel so bad

having her in some facility. It sucks having to go home and leave her

there. I want so much to have her here with me but due to having a

newborn that is enough work in itself. Plus, I go out of town

occasionally with my hubby when he works. I know she would be much

happier being with me. She loves seeing her grandson, puts many smiles

on her face.

But I know if I took her in, it'd wind up being too much as it was on my

brother when she lived with him. I'd be calling and complaining to him.

I just feel so horrible having to leave her in some facility and she

gets so upset that she goes and gets all of her belongings hoping she

can go home with me. She's been doing this the last 3 weeks since she's

been in this place every time I come in. I hate it, I hate it. I think

she feels abandoned and fears being dumped off some place for the rest

of her life. Am I doing the right thing? Ugh..........

************************************** Get a sneak peek of the all-new AOL at

http://discover.aol.com/memed/aolcom30tour

July 31, 2007

mel,

can you take your mom for a ride like to walk in a park or get ice cream take

her out to eat and then bring her back, jan colello is able to do that with jim

now that he is settled into their routines. that way you wouldnt feel so guilty

about leaving her, and she would get a break from the nh facility. just a

thought hugs, sharon

or maybe bring all teh set up for a picnic and have a picnic on the property

some where, giving her something different just a thought hugs. s

---- mel374 wrote:

Greetings everybody,

I went to visit mom this evening. It was nice to see her. I feel so bad

having her in some facility. It sucks having to go home and leave her

there. I want so much to have her here with me but due to having a

newborn that is enough work in itself. Plus, I go out of town

occasionally with my hubby when he works. I know she would be much

happier being with me. She loves seeing her grandson, puts many smiles

on her face.

But I know if I took her in, it'd wind up being too much as it was on my

brother when she lived with him. I'd be calling and complaining to him.

I just feel so horrible having to leave her in some facility and she

gets so upset that she goes and gets all of her belongings hoping she

can go home with me. She's been doing this the last 3 weeks since she's

been in this place every time I come in. I hate it, I hate it. I think

she feels abandoned and fears being dumped off some place for the rest

of her life. Am I doing the right thing? Ugh..........

July 31, 2007

Great advice:

With a new born at home, you simply cannot provide the level of care

that your mom will require. It isn't lack of love, but rather knowing

your limits, and doing the best for her that you can.

Mel -- your love for your mom shines through with every post. No

fear... you're doing the right thing with your mom at the NH. They

can provide your mom w/ the 24/7 care that she needs. I, too,

questioned if mom would have been better with me vs. at a NH -

there's no question in my mind that she received the best care at the

NH (and the ALF prior to the NH) Your visiting your mom (w/ baby in

tow) is providing your mom with the best of both words - care from

experienced NH workers who know and understand dementia and you are

viewed as the angel who visits. Who provide activities. Who provide

laughs. Who provides moments of joy for your mom. You're doing

exactly what you're suppose to be doing.

I, too, had to deal with the 'leaving mom behind guilts' but trust me

it subsides after time. Once in awhile she'll throw me in a loop with

a comment e.g. I mentioned once that I was going to visit my sister

the next day and mom said " And me too? I want to go too. " Ugh! Of

course I would have LOVED to take her, but I was going to be taking a

train to visit my sister's home (that has tons of stairs) and mom was

in a wheelchair, etc. and there was no way it was going to happen...

so the next day I went for my visit and told her the 'white lie' that

I was about to do something other than visiting my sister.

August 1, 2007

A a very good one I might add.

Imogene

In a message dated 7/31/2007 1:40:35 PM Central Daylight Time,

LadySmilingAtU2@... writes:

mel,

can you take your mom for a ride like to walk in a park or get ice cream

take her out to eat and then bring her back, jan colello is able to do that

with jim now that he is settled into their routines. that way you wouldnt

feel so guilty about leaving her, and she would get a break from the nh

facility. just a thought hugs, sharon

or maybe bring all teh set up for a picnic and have a picnic on the property

some where, giving her something different just a thought hugs. s

---- mel374 wrote:

************************************** Get a sneak peek of the all-new AOL at

http://discover.aol.com/memed/aolcom30tour

August 5, 2007

Dann,

Thank you for your support. I've been at this the last year helping mom.

I was pregnant at this time last summer. I feel if I don't advocate for

her and do everything I possibly can, she will decline faster. But, I

have to accept the fact it won't work having her live in my home. It is

really sad she is missing out on having her first grandbaby due to this

disease. I don't wish this on anybody what we are all going through.

Thank you,

Mel

> Greetings everybody,

>

> I went to visit mom this evening. It was nice to see her. I feel so

bad

> having her in some facility. It sucks having to go home and leave her

> there. I want so much to have her here with me but due to having a

> newborn that is enough work in itself. Plus, I go out of town

> occasionally with my hubby when he works. I know she would be much

> happier being with me. She loves seeing her grandson, puts many smiles

> on her face.

>

> But I know if I took her in, it'd wind up being too much as it was on

my

> brother when she lived with him. I'd be calling and complaining to

him.

> I just feel so horrible having to leave her in some facility and she

> gets so upset that she goes and gets all of her belongings hoping she

> can go home with me. She's been doing this the last 3 weeks since

she's

> been in this place every time I come in. I hate it, I hate it. I think

> she feels abandoned and fears being dumped off some place for the rest

> of her life. Am I doing the right thing? Ugh..........

>

August 5, 2007

Hi ,

You and everyone else are right. Maybe it is the guilt factor playing

into this. I know deep down I cannot care for her and my newborn at the

same time. I can barely keep up with just him. I understand where your

coming from with having to say white lies. I've had to do that myself

with mom and sometimes I know she senses I am full of it. Ugh! Like you

said, the professionals can deal with her 24/7 and give her what she

needs. Something I am not capable of doing. I just hate having to do

this. Hopefully, my guilt will start to subside. It is also hard to go

see her now as all she does is gather her things and cry when she is

told she can't leave with me. I think I will wait a while before taking

her out someplace until she is settled in.

t your mom will require. It isn't lack of love, but rather knowing

> your limits, and doing the best for her that you can.

>

> Mel -- your love for your mom shines through with every post. No

> fear... you're doing the right thing with your mom at the NH. They

> can provide your mom w/ the 24/7 care that she needs. I, too,

> questioned if mom would have been better with me vs. at a NH -

> there's no question in my mind that she received the best care at the

> NH (and the ALF prior to the NH) Your visiting your mom (w/ baby in

> tow) is providing your mom with the best of both words - care from

> experienced NH workers who know and understand dementia and you are

> viewed as the angel who visits. Who provide activities. Who provide

> laughs. Who provides moments of joy for your mom. You're doing

> exactly what you're suppose to be doing.

>

> I, too, had to deal with the 'leaving mom behind guilts' but trust me

> it subsides after time. Once in awhile she'll throw me in a loop with

> a comment e.g. I mentioned once that I was going to visit my sister

> the next day and mom said " And me too? I want to go too. " Ugh! Of

> course I would have LOVED to take her, but I was going to be taking a

> train to visit my sister's home (that has tons of stairs) and mom was

> in a wheelchair, etc. and there was no way it was going to happen...

> so the next day I went for my visit and told her the 'white lie' that

> I was about to do something other than visiting my sister.

>

August 5, 2007

I think I should wait before taking her out until she has had more time

to adjust to her new surroundings. It seems like it would only frustrate

her more right now knowing she has to return. It could be potentially

trouble for me having to do this until she is more adjusted to the idea

of living in a facility. Thank you for the great suggestions. I will

keep them in mind so when the timing is right.

>

> Greetings everybody,

>

> I went to visit mom this evening. It was nice to see her. I feel so

bad

> having her in some facility. It sucks having to go home and leave her

> there. I want so much to have her here with me but due to having a

> newborn that is enough work in itself. Plus, I go out of town

> occasionally with my hubby when he works. I know she would be much

> happier being with me. She loves seeing her grandson, puts many smiles

> on her face.

>

> But I know if I took her in, it'd wind up being too much as it was on

my

> brother when she lived with him. I'd be calling and complaining to

him.

> I just feel so horrible having to leave her in some facility and she

> gets so upset that she goes and gets all of her belongings hoping she

> can go home with me. She's been doing this the last 3 weeks since

she's

> been in this place every time I come in. I hate it, I hate it. I think

> she feels abandoned and fears being dumped off some place for the rest

> of her life. Am I doing the right thing? Ugh..........

>

August 5, 2007

Mel,

The nh staff should be able to help you. Tell them when you are leaving and

that you need her distracted while you go. They can find cookies or show her

something while you sneak out the door.

Before you have to go, you can do all the reassuring to her that you will see

her again soon so that she can hold on to that. (Maybe?) Or maybe you can leave

a picture for her to hold on to or a special little bear. Or something that

reminds her of you.

That might help both of you. Hugs,

Donna R

Caregave for Mom (after I brought her from WI to MI) for 3 years and 4th year in

a nh.

She was almost 89 when she died in '02. No dx other than mine.

Re: Torn...