Re: not sure if I should find a new therapist

[Guest guest]

This sounds like a good resolution.Reading through your original post and the replies, I'm wondering if a case could be made for choosing same-sex therapists? Given that clients are often vulnerable when seeking therapeutic help, choosing a same-sex therapist would sidestep some of the complications that can arise when the therapist is of the opposite sex.What thoughts to others have regarding this issue?Regards,Detlef> > > > > > > > > >> > > > > > > > > > So, I've been seeing a therapist for several months at a local clinic. The clinic is run by a local university and is staffed with graduate students who are under supervision. This is all I could afford at the time and the other option I had was to see a psychologist who was booked for 2 months and I didn't want to wait.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > For the greater part of my therapy, things have been very focused and productive. I brought in my ACT book and discussed ACT and how I've been using it, and she was not only open-minded about using ACT, she got the book herself and said that her supervisor was very interested in ACT. We worked through some of the book together.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Throughout the process I have learned so much about myself, have really grown and begun to accept myself and explore myself for all that I am. I've learned to not judge myself or what I feel in the ways that I used to. This has been a very painful process, but a good one. For every period of pain and growth I've come out stronger and with less of a burden.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I've had a lot of different, positive feelings towards my therapist. I've found that these feelings were at time confusing. I've come to understand that these feelings are that of openness, connectedness, trust etc. the kinds of feelings I've felt in my very close relationships. Yet there was also a part of me that felt attracted to her at times and the fact that we have so much in common also deepend my connection and closeness to her. It seems that over time I became more aware of these positive feelings, and I was judging some of them as 'inappropriate' etc. For example, I could tell that part of me was longing for a deeper relationship with her, something outside of therapy. I kept fighting this feeling, pushing it down within myself, telling myself that it was crazy etc. What's interesting to me now is that by suppressing it, it manifested itself much more than it would have if I had just explored it straight-away.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I brought this up with my therapist a few times, saying that I was confused about feelings that I was having in session, my feelings of closeness and openness with her etc. Eventually, I realized that I needed to tell her matter of factly, not in the round about way that I had been. More importantly, I realized that I shouldn't judge myself for having feelings. I can see there being inappropriate actions or words, but to feel a thing is perfectly natural. Over the course of a few weeks I noticed that she seemed uncomfortable at times and even was frustrated with me. When I asked her if she had been frustrated with me in the last session, she admitted that she was. I was glad she was honest and that I could trust my instincts. She brought up termination somewhere around this time, which seemed to come out of nowhere.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Let me be clear, I never felt in love with my therapist, or obsessed or any such thing. I only would have wanted any kind of contact or relationship outside of the office if it was something that we both wanted, and the one thing I was sure of was that my therapy was going well and that I wanted to continue it. But I needed to get this out of the way. I needed to take a leap, to be totally honest and non-judgemental towards myself and also completely open with her. This was difficult and took a lot of effort.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > When I told her all of how I felt, I explained that I had had many different feelings in session, some of them towards her, that of connection, etc. I even said that if I was forced to lablel them (which I'm loathe to do) I would label some of them as perhaps romantic, others as platonic and that I always felt respectful of her. I also told her that I was attracted to her in many ways, that even though I didn't know her very well that I felt I had a sense of the kind of person she was. She's always been very genuine and open with me and it's fostered a sense of trust between us and I told her how important that was and how it's helped me.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > She told me that she was uncomfortable. When she asked how I thought she might react when I thought about telling her, I said that I had hoped she might explore the feelings more deeply with me and say something like, let's work through this. When I said that, she snapped at me that she wasn't a robot. I told her that I knew she wasn't a robot but that I hoped she might help me work through it. All that I've learned about therapy (disclosure here, I'm a psychology student myself) is that opening up to one's therapist, even about how you feel towards them, can be very positive and can help deepen one's self-acceptance and self-understanding. Being able to tell someone honestly how you feel about them is definitely a good thing, though sometimes painful. She told me that she hadn't had anything like this happen before and that she would need to talk to her supervisor.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > At the next session she basically said that she felt that my telling her about my feelings were 'inappropriate' in the way that falling for a co-worker would be, that it crossed some kind of boundary. She seemed genuinely concerned about the course of therapy, but she didn't seem to budge on this point. We discussed it for a while and I told her that I felt that telling her those things was a major step forward for me, that I had assumed we would discuss the feelings and explore them the way we have my other feelings. I also told her that through telling her about those feelings, the one's that seemed 'romantic' diminished, or to put it a different way, I began to see them differently. Sometimes actually admitting something to oneself and being honest with yourself and another can make you see things differently and more clearly. I told her that I didn't have feelings for her in the way that she took what I had said. To be honest, I'm not en tirely cle ar what it is she 'heard' me say, she wouldn't tell me that directly when I asked her. She just kept saying that she thought we'd discussed it.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > So at this point she started talking about what was best for me, and for her. I asked what her supervisor said, and she hesitated and said that she'd had a conversation with him and that he supported her and how she felt. For the first time since I started therapy with her, I doubted whether or not she was being honest with me. I told her that I would respect her feelings and if she wanted to start termination, we would do that. Yet, I also told her that I felt it a shame that my therapy might be derailed after such a big step forward for me and that I disagreed with her about the boundary thing. I felt I had crossed no such line and that I in fact SHOULD have told her especially, since she's my therapist and she could help me work through things.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Anyhow, the session ended with us discussing some recent progress I'd made and I agreed to meet every two weeks as opposed to every week. Yet after I got home, I began to think over the session and I can't help feel, as I felt last week, that she has made this about her somehow. After all, I'm the client. I can only assume that what I told her has triggered something in her. Her reaction was immediate and visceral. It's not as though I threatened her, but it almost feels like she felt threatened somehow. Things being what they are, I am not sure that I should continue seeing her because it seems like she's filtering everything I bring up now through the context of this event. It's as if she's hearing what she expects me to say, not what I'm saying, and that can't really work. For example, when I told her about a recent breakthrough I'd had as regards relationships generally, she told me she was hearing that I still 'had feelings' for her. I had to exp lain again, highlighting the fact that I was talking about something I'd realized GENERALLY speaking and that it wasn't about her or the feelings I'd described.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > So, at this point, I'm not sure what to do. I have two weeks before our next scheduled appointment, but I'm feeling like this therapy has in some ways already been derailed. And I am not sure if she's going to be able to really treat me if she can't focus on me and what I'm going through. On the other hand, maybe I should continue on through the termination process (which is open-ended at this point). I think a feeling I'm confronting now is a lack of trust in the process moving forward with her. With such a fundamental difference in how we view the boundaries, I'm not sure if we can move forward at all.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Any advice, thoughts, insights on this would be greatly appreciated. Anyone have a similar experience?> > > > > > > > > >> > > > > > > > >> > > > > > > >> > > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > > > > > > >> > > >> > > > > >> >>

[Guest guest]

Make that "opposite sexual-orientation therapist" and you might have a good point : )

I've had good luck with both, even when I was attracted to one of the male therapists--he handled it beautifully. Prefer women on one level, however, because they "get" my hormone-induced emotions!

Helena

Re: not sure if I should find a new therapist

This sounds like a good resolution.Reading through your original post and the replies, I'm wondering if a case could be made for choosing same-sex therapists? Given that clients are often vulnerable when seeking therapeutic help, choosing a same-sex therapist would sidestep some of the complications that can arise when the therapist is of the opposite sex.What thoughts to others have regarding this issue?Regards,Detlef> > > > > > > > > >> > > > > > > > > > So, I've been seeing a therapist for several months at a local clinic. The clinic is run by a local university and is staffed with graduate students who are under supervision. This is all I could afford at the time and the other option I had was to see a psychologist who was booked for 2 months and I didn't want to wait.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > For the greater part of my therapy, things have been very focused and productive. I brought in my ACT book and discussed ACT and how I've been using it, and she was not only open-minded about using ACT, she got the book herself and said that her supervisor was very interested in ACT. We worked through some of the book together.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Throughout the process I have learned so much about myself, have really grown and begun to accept myself and explore myself for all that I am. I've learned to not judge myself or what I feel in the ways that I used to. This has been a very painful process, but a good one. For every period of pain and growth I've come out stronger and with less of a burden.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I've had a lot of different, positive feelings towards my therapist. I've found that these feelings were at time confusing. I've come to understand that these feelings are that of openness, connectedness, trust etc. the kinds of feelings I've felt in my very close relationships. Yet there was also a part of me that felt attracted to her at times and the fact that we have so much in common also deepend my connection and closeness to her. It seems that over time I became more aware of these positive feelings, and I was judging some of them as 'inappropriate' etc. For example, I could tell that part of me was longing for a deeper relationship with her, something outside of therapy. I kept fighting this feeling, pushing it down within myself, telling myself that it was crazy etc. What's interesting to me now is that by suppressing it, it manifested itself much more than it would have if I had just explored it straight-away.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I brought this up with my therapist a few times, saying that I was confused about feelings that I was having in session, my feelings of closeness and openness with her etc. Eventually, I realized that I needed to tell her matter of factly, not in the round about way that I had been. More importantly, I realized that I shouldn't judge myself for having feelings. I can see there being inappropriate actions or words, but to feel a thing is perfectly natural. Over the course of a few weeks I noticed that she seemed uncomfortable at times and even was frustrated with me. When I asked her if she had been frustrated with me in the last session, she admitted that she was. I was glad she was honest and that I could trust my instincts. She brought up termination somewhere around this time, which seemed to come out of nowhere.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Let me be clear, I never felt in love with my therapist, or obsessed or any such thing. I only would have wanted any kind of contact or relationship outside of the office if it was something that we both wanted, and the one thing I was sure of was that my therapy was going well and that I wanted to continue it. But I needed to get this out of the way. I needed to take a leap, to be totally honest and non-judgemental towards myself and also completely open with her. This was difficult and took a lot of effort.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > When I told her all of how I felt, I explained that I had had many different feelings in session, some of them towards her, that of connection, etc. I even said that if I was forced to lablel them (which I'm loathe to do) I would label some of them as perhaps romantic, others as platonic and that I always felt respectful of her. I also told her that I was attracted to her in many ways, that even though I didn't know her very well that I felt I had a sense of the kind of person she was. She's always been very genuine and open with me and it's fostered a sense of trust between us and I told her how important that was and how it's helped me.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > She told me that she was uncomfortable. When she asked how I thought she might react when I thought about telling her, I said that I had hoped she might explore the feelings more deeply with me and say something like, let's work through this. When I said that, she snapped at me that she wasn't a robot. I told her that I knew she wasn't a robot but that I hoped she might help me work through it. All that I've learned about therapy (disclosure here, I'm a psychology student myself) is that opening up to one's therapist, even about how you feel towards them, can be very positive and can help deepen one's self-acceptance and self-understanding. Being able to tell someone honestly how you feel about them is definitely a good thing, though sometimes painful. She told me that she hadn't had anything like this happen before and that she would need to talk to her supervisor.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > At the next session she basically said that she felt that my telling her about my feelings were 'inappropriate' in the way that falling for a co-worker would be, that it crossed some kind of boundary. She seemed genuinely concerned about the course of therapy, but she didn't seem to budge on this point. We discussed it for a while and I told her that I felt that telling her those things was a major step forward for me, that I had assumed we would discuss the feelings and explore them the way we have my other feelings. I also told her that through telling her about those feelings, the one's that seemed 'romantic' diminished, or to put it a different way, I began to see them differently. Sometimes actually admitting something to oneself and being honest with yourself and another can make you see things differently and more clearly. I told her that I didn't have feelings for her in the way that she took what I had said. To be honest, I'm not en tirely cle ar what it is she 'heard' me say, she wouldn't tell me that directly when I asked her. She just kept saying that she thought we'd discussed it.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > So at this point she started talking about what was best for me, and for her. I asked what her supervisor said, and she hesitated and said that she'd had a conversation with him and that he supported her and how she felt. For the first time since I started therapy with her, I doubted whether or not she was being honest with me. I told her that I would respect her feelings and if she wanted to start termination, we would do that. Yet, I also told her that I felt it a shame that my therapy might be derailed after such a big step forward for me and that I disagreed with her about the boundary thing. I felt I had crossed no such line and that I in fact SHOULD have told her especially, since she's my therapist and she could help me work through things.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Anyhow, the session ended with us discussing some recent progress I'd made and I agreed to meet every two weeks as opposed to every week. Yet after I got home, I began to think over the session and I can't help feel, as I felt last week, that she has made this about her somehow. After all, I'm the client. I can only assume that what I told her has triggered something in her. Her reaction was immediate and visceral. It's not as though I threatened her, but it almost feels like she felt threatened somehow. Things being what they are, I am not sure that I should continue seeing her because it seems like she's filtering everything I bring up now through the context of this event. It's as if she's hearing what she expects me to say, not what I'm saying, and that can't really work. For example, when I told her about a recent breakthrough I'd had as regards relationships generally, she told me she was hearing that I still 'had feelings' for her. I had to exp lain again, highlighting the fact that I was talking about something I'd realized GENERALLY speaking and that it wasn't about her or the feelings I'd described.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > So, at this point, I'm not sure what to do. I have two weeks before our next scheduled appointment, but I'm feeling like this therapy has in some ways already been derailed. And I am not sure if she's going to be able to really treat me if she can't focus on me and what I'm going through. On the other hand, maybe I should continue on through the termination process (which is open-ended at this point). I think a feeling I'm confronting now is a lack of trust in the process moving forward with her. With such a fundamental difference in how we view the boundaries, I'm not sure if we can move forward at all.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Any advice, thoughts, insights on this would be greatly appreciated. Anyone have a similar experience?> > > > > > > > > >> > > > > > > > >> > > > > > > >> > > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > > > > > > >> > > >> > > > > >> >>

[Guest guest]

It sounds like you handled this perfectly (and very ACT-like), and are cool and steady about the decision to not see her anymore, although emotionally wrenching. That is quite an accomplishment -- congrats!Helena

Re: not sure if I should find a new therapist

I met with my therapist last night, for the last time. I had to cancel our session last week as my grandmother passed away. I told her that I had realized that I hadn't been entirely congruent with her in my last meeting, that I had been afraid of losing the relationship and that I therefore had gone along with some of the things she was saying, and in some ways told her what I thought she wanted to hear because I didn't want to upset her further. My realizing that I did this was a big breakthrough for me. I began to see this as a pattern I've had with other people. Therapy can shed so much light on things, even in the midst of (and perhaps because of) this kind of impasse. I told her that I needed to be able to express myself. I explained to her again why I told her about my feelings, how confusing and complicated they are and that I didn't feel comfortable continuing with her ultimatum that I not tell her in the future about such feelings. I told her I had no idea what I would feel in the future and that the next step in my therapy would be for me to work through this stuff. She said again that she had issue with my telling her about those feelings, that my telling her was inappropriate, and that she felt that I should work through those things on my own and something about compartmentalizing them. I told her that I disagreed and that that seemed to just be something that we disagree about. I have come to realize that some things just ARE, and one of those things is that she's just not in a place, for whatever reason, to be able to handle/deal with what I was bringing to the table in the way that I was expecting/needing her to. I no longer feel upset at her for this. I came to realize it just is what it is. She said she felt I was blaming her and I told her that I wasn't angry with her, wasn't blaming her but that I was trying to describe things as they seem to be to me, that we were at an impasse. She seemed to understand this. We discussed this for a bit. I reiterated to her that I didn't want to make her uncomfortable but that I had to do what was best for me and that I understood if she was uncomfortable. I told her that there were many different ways that either of us could deal with the situation. I was trying to illustrate that there was no need to have 'blame', that things just are as they are. In one sense I wish things were different, but I think I've also basically made my peace with it.It was actually a positive discussion overall, I'm not sure how it sounds as I'm describing it. I guess what I mean is it wasn't argumentative or destructive. It was constructive in that we were at least trying to understand one another and respectfully disagreeing. She told me that she was feeling uncomfortable continuing, for herself and for me and that she had been feeling for a while that I had progressed to the point of meeting my goals. It is true that I have progressed quite a bit in our therapy that's taken place since April. I told her that I was uncomfortable continuing if I didn't feel I could express myself and follow therapy where it led me, which in this case was to discuss those feelings and work through them, examine them etc.We agreed that it would be our last session together. I actually had anticipated this and wasn't surprised or anxious about it for some reason. I had even brought a little card with me to give to her in case it was our last session. I knew that if it was to be the end that I wanted to end on as positive a note as possible. I think I just could feel that we had reached an end. We acknowledged our feelings together about the process and exchanged memories and talked about how things had gone from beginning to end. It felt good to discuss things, though I got really emotional. There were tears. It was the sort of sad I've felt at graduations, if that makes sense. I'm glad that we were able to discuss positives and the ups and downs and not focus on the impasse that we had reached only. She said some things that were very important for me to hear and I got the feeling that the things I said to her were important to her also. She told me that she had learned a lot and that she was glad that I had brought ACT into the picture as she hadn't worked with it before. It was kind of cool because when I first brought ACT up (months ago) she said in the following session that she had discussed it with her supervisor and that he was very much in favor of ACT and using it himself. I tried to come back to the table with her, and I am glad that I did. I don't regret anything. I'm glad I asked for and received so much perspective on this board. I think it allowed me to take a step back and see things a little more clearly, and I'm thankful to all of you for that. I can easily see how off the rails I could have gone with this. Now I have to decide if I want to resume therapy with someone else. I'm not clear on what the next step is for me, but I do feel that I have grown tremendously through this process. Thanks again to everyone for helping with this.-E> > > > > > > > >> > > > > > > > > So, I've been seeing a therapist for several months at a local clinic. The clinic is run by a local university and is staffed with graduate students who are under supervision. This is all I could afford at the time and the other option I had was to see a psychologist who was booked for 2 months and I didn't want to wait.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > For the greater part of my therapy, things have been very focused and productive. I brought in my ACT book and discussed ACT and how I've been using it, and she was not only open-minded about using ACT, she got the book herself and said that her supervisor was very interested in ACT. We worked through some of the book together.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Throughout the process I have learned so much about myself, have really grown and begun to accept myself and explore myself for all that I am. I've learned to not judge myself or what I feel in the ways that I used to. This has been a very painful process, but a good one. For every period of pain and growth I've come out stronger and with less of a burden.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I've had a lot of different, positive feelings towards my therapist. I've found that these feelings were at time confusing. I've come to understand that these feelings are that of openness, connectedness, trust etc. the kinds of feelings I've felt in my very close relationships. Yet there was also a part of me that felt attracted to her at times and the fact that we have so much in common also deepend my connection and closeness to her. It seems that over time I became more aware of these positive feelings, and I was judging some of them as 'inappropriate' etc. For example, I could tell that part of me was longing for a deeper relationship with her, something outside of therapy. I kept fighting this feeling, pushing it down within myself, telling myself that it was crazy etc. What's interesting to me now is that by suppressing it, it manifested itself much more than it would have if I had just explored it straight-away.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I brought this up with my therapist a few times, saying that I was confused about feelings that I was having in session, my feelings of closeness and openness with her etc. Eventually, I realized that I needed to tell her matter of factly, not in the round about way that I had been. More importantly, I realized that I shouldn't judge myself for having feelings. I can see there being inappropriate actions or words, but to feel a thing is perfectly natural. Over the course of a few weeks I noticed that she seemed uncomfortable at times and even was frustrated with me. When I asked her if she had been frustrated with me in the last session, she admitted that she was. I was glad she was honest and that I could trust my instincts. She brought up termination somewhere around this time, which seemed to come out of nowhere.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Let me be clear, I never felt in love with my therapist, or obsessed or any such thing. I only would have wanted any kind of contact or relationship outside of the office if it was something that we both wanted, and the one thing I was sure of was that my therapy was going well and that I wanted to continue it. But I needed to get this out of the way. I needed to take a leap, to be totally honest and non-judgemental towards myself and also completely open with her. This was difficult and took a lot of effort.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > When I told her all of how I felt, I explained that I had had many different feelings in session, some of them towards her, that of connection, etc. I even said that if I was forced to lablel them (which I'm loathe to do) I would label some of them as perhaps romantic, others as platonic and that I always felt respectful of her. I also told her that I was attracted to her in many ways, that even though I didn't know her very well that I felt I had a sense of the kind of person she was. She's always been very genuine and open with me and it's fostered a sense of trust between us and I told her how important that was and how it's helped me.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > She told me that she was uncomfortable. When she asked how I thought she might react when I thought about telling her, I said that I had hoped she might explore the feelings more deeply with me and say something like, let's work through this. When I said that, she snapped at me that she wasn't a robot. I told her that I knew she wasn't a robot but that I hoped she might help me work through it. All that I've learned about therapy (disclosure here, I'm a psychology student myself) is that opening up to one's therapist, even about how you feel towards them, can be very positive and can help deepen one's self-acceptance and self-understanding. Being able to tell someone honestly how you feel about them is definitely a good thing, though sometimes painful. She told me that she hadn't had anything like this happen before and that she would need to talk to her supervisor.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > At the next session she basically said that she felt that my telling her about my feelings were 'inappropriate' in the way that falling for a co-worker would be, that it crossed some kind of boundary. She seemed genuinely concerned about the course of therapy, but she didn't seem to budge on this point. We discussed it for a while and I told her that I felt that telling her those things was a major step forward for me, that I had assumed we would discuss the feelings and explore them the way we have my other feelings. I also told her that through telling her about those feelings, the one's that seemed 'romantic' diminished, or to put it a different way, I began to see them differently. Sometimes actually admitting something to oneself and being honest with yourself and another can make you see things differently and more clearly. I told her that I didn't have feelings for her in the way that she took what I had said. To be honest, I'm not en tirely cle ar what it is she 'heard' me say, she wouldn't tell me that directly when I asked her. She just kept saying that she thought we'd discussed it.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > So at this point she started talking about what was best for me, and for her. I asked what her supervisor said, and she hesitated and said that she'd had a conversation with him and that he supported her and how she felt. For the first time since I started therapy with her, I doubted whether or not she was being honest with me. I told her that I would respect her feelings and if she wanted to start termination, we would do that. Yet, I also told her that I felt it a shame that my therapy might be derailed after such a big step forward for me and that I disagreed with her about the boundary thing. I felt I had crossed no such line and that I in fact SHOULD have told her especially, since she's my therapist and she could help me work through things.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Anyhow, the session ended with us discussing some recent progress I'd made and I agreed to meet every two weeks as opposed to every week. Yet after I got home, I began to think over the session and I can't help feel, as I felt last week, that she has made this about her somehow. After all, I'm the client. I can only assume that what I told her has triggered something in her. Her reaction was immediate and visceral. It's not as though I threatened her, but it almost feels like she felt threatened somehow. Things being what they are, I am not sure that I should continue seeing her because it seems like she's filtering everything I bring up now through the context of this event. It's as if she's hearing what she expects me to say, not what I'm saying, and that can't really work. For example, when I told her about a recent breakthrough I'd had as regards relationships generally, she told me she was hearing that I still 'had feelings' for her. I had to exp lain again, highlighting the fact that I was talking about something I'd realized GENERALLY speaking and that it wasn't about her or the feelings I'd described.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > So, at this point, I'm not sure what to do. I have two weeks before our next scheduled appointment, but I'm feeling like this therapy has in some ways already been derailed. And I am not sure if she's going to be able to really treat me if she can't focus on me and what I'm going through. On the other hand, maybe I should continue on through the termination process (which is open-ended at this point). I think a feeling I'm confronting now is a lack of trust in the process moving forward with her. With such a fundamental difference in how we view the boundaries, I'm not sure if we can move forward at all.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Any advice, thoughts, insights on this would be greatly appreciated. Anyone have a similar experience?> > > > > > > > >> > > > > > > >> > > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > >> > > > > > > >> > >> > > >>

[Guest guest]

Thanks!

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > So, I've been seeing a therapist for several months at a

local clinic. The clinic is run by a local university and is staffed with

graduate students who are under supervision. This is all I could afford at the

time and the other option I had was to see a psychologist who was booked for 2

months and I didn't want to wait.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > For the greater part of my therapy, things have been very

focused and productive. I brought in my ACT book and discussed ACT and how I've

been using it, and she was not only open-minded about using ACT, she got the

book herself and said that her supervisor was very interested in ACT. We worked

through some of the book together.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > Throughout the process I have learned so much about myself,

have really grown and begun to accept myself and explore myself for all that I

am. I've learned to not judge myself or what I feel in the ways that I used to.

This has been a very painful process, but a good one. For every period of pain

and growth I've come out stronger and with less of a burden.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > I've had a lot of different, positive feelings towards my

therapist. I've found that these feelings were at time confusing. I've come to

understand that these feelings are that of openness, connectedness, trust etc.

the kinds of feelings I've felt in my very close relationships. Yet there was

also a part of me that felt attracted to her at times and the fact that we have

so much in common also deepend my connection and closeness to her. It seems that

over time I became more aware of these positive feelings, and I was judging some

of them as 'inappropriate' etc. For example, I could tell that part of me was

longing for a deeper relationship with her, something outside of therapy. I kept

fighting this feeling, pushing it down within myself, telling myself that it was

crazy etc. What's interesting to me now is that by suppressing it, it manifested

itself much more than it would have if I had just explored it straight-away.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > I brought this up with my therapist a few times, saying that

I was confused about feelings that I was having in session, my feelings of

closeness and openness with her etc. Eventually, I realized that I needed to

tell her matter of factly, not in the round about way that I had been. More

importantly, I realized that I shouldn't judge myself for having feelings. I can

see there being inappropriate actions or words, but to feel a thing is perfectly

natural. Over the course of a few weeks I noticed that she seemed uncomfortable

at times and even was frustrated with me. When I asked her if she had been

frustrated with me in the last session, she admitted that she was. I was glad

she was honest and that I could trust my instincts. She brought up termination

somewhere around this time, which seemed to come out of nowhere.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > Let me be clear, I never felt in love with my therapist, or

obsessed or any such thing. I only would have wanted any kind of contact or

relationship outside of the office if it was something that we both wanted, and

the one thing I was sure of was that my therapy was going well and that I wanted

to continue it. But I needed to get this out of the way. I needed to take a

leap, to be totally honest and non-judgemental towards myself and also

completely open with her. This was difficult and took a lot of effort.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > When I told her all of how I felt, I explained that I had

had many different feelings in session, some of them towards her, that of

connection, etc. I even said that if I was forced to lablel them (which I'm

loathe to do) I would label some of them as perhaps romantic, others as platonic

and that I always felt respectful of her. I also told her that I was attracted

to her in many ways, that even though I didn't know her very well that I felt I

had a sense of the kind of person she was. She's always been very genuine and

open with me and it's fostered a sense of trust between us and I told her how

important that was and how it's helped me.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > She told me that she was uncomfortable. When she asked how I

thought she might react when I thought about telling her, I said that I had

hoped she might explore the feelings more deeply with me and say something like,

let's work through this. When I said that, she snapped at me that she wasn't a

robot. I told her that I knew she wasn't a robot but that I hoped she might help

me work through it. All that I've learned about therapy (disclosure here, I'm a

psychology student myself) is that opening up to one's therapist, even about how

you feel towards them, can be very positive and can help deepen one's

self-acceptance and self-understanding. Being able to tell someone honestly how

you feel about them is definitely a good thing, though sometimes painful. She

told me that she hadn't had anything like this happen before and that she would

need to talk to her supervisor.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > At the next session she basically said that she felt that my

telling her about my feelings were 'inappropriate' in the way that falling for a

co-worker would be, that it crossed some kind of boundary. She seemed genuinely

concerned about the course of therapy, but she didn't seem to budge on this

point. We discussed it for a while and I told her that I felt that telling her

those things was a major step forward for me, that I had assumed we would

discuss the feelings and explore them the way we have my other feelings. I also

told her that through telling her about those feelings, the one's that seemed

'romantic' diminished, or to put it a different way, I began to see them

differently. Sometimes actually admitting something to oneself and being honest

with yourself and another can make you see things differently and more clearly.

I told her that I didn't have feelings for her in the way that she took what I

had said. To be honest, I'm not en tirely cle ar what it is she 'heard' me say,

she wouldn't tell me that directly when I asked her. She just kept saying that

she thought we'd discussed it.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > So at this point she started talking about what was best for

me, and for her. I asked what her supervisor said, and she hesitated and said

that she'd had a conversation with him and that he supported her and how she

felt. For the first time since I started therapy with her, I doubted whether or

not she was being honest with me. I told her that I would respect her feelings

and if she wanted to start termination, we would do that. Yet, I also told her

that I felt it a shame that my therapy might be derailed after such a big step

forward for me and that I disagreed with her about the boundary thing. I felt I

had crossed no such line and that I in fact SHOULD have told her especially,

since she's my therapist and she could help me work through things.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > Anyhow, the session ended with us discussing some recent

progress I'd made and I agreed to meet every two weeks as opposed to every week.

Yet after I got home, I began to think over the session and I can't help feel,

as I felt last week, that she has made this about her somehow. After all, I'm

the client. I can only assume that what I told her has triggered something in

her. Her reaction was immediate and visceral. It's not as though I threatened

her, but it almost feels like she felt threatened somehow. Things being what

they are, I am not sure that I should continue seeing her because it seems like

she's filtering everything I bring up now through the context of this event.

It's as if she's hearing what she expects me to say, not what I'm saying, and

that can't really work. For example, when I told her about a recent breakthrough

I'd had as regards relationships generally, she told me she was hearing that I

still 'had feelings' for her. I had to exp lain again, highlighting the fact

that I was talking about something I'd realized GENERALLY speaking and that it

wasn't about her or the feelings I'd described.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > So, at this point, I'm not sure what to do. I have two weeks

before our next scheduled appointment, but I'm feeling like this therapy has in

some ways already been derailed. And I am not sure if she's going to be able to

really treat me if she can't focus on me and what I'm going through. On the

other hand, maybe I should continue on through the termination process (which is

open-ended at this point). I think a feeling I'm confronting now is a lack of

trust in the process moving forward with her. With such a fundamental difference

in how we view the boundaries, I'm not sure if we can move forward at all.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > Any advice, thoughts, insights on this would be greatly

appreciated. Anyone have a similar experience?

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I agree with Helena about opposite sexual orientation, but I see what you're

saying. I've heard that complex emotions can develop on other, non-romantic

levels. For example, if I had an older male therapist, I could perhaps have some

sort of " father figure " type feelings towards him and I think it would be good

for me to let him know and explore that as well. Maybe there's a risk of those

feelings developing if you have productive therapy, no matter who you choose.

And maybe they can be productive so long as the therapist knows what to do.

I think I may need to consider seeing a male therapist if I seek therapy again,

but I'd hate to miss out on good therapy generally just based on sex or sexual

orientation. I think it's important to find a good " fit " . After all, my therapy

up until this particular impasse was very productive and positive for me.

Definitely something to ponder.

Thanks for the vote of confidence! I think it was as good a resolution I could

hope for if therapy had to end.

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > So, I've been seeing a therapist for several months

> at a local clinic. The clinic is run by a local university and is

> staffed with graduate students who are under supervision. This is all I

> could afford at the time and the other option I had was to see a

> psychologist who was booked for 2 months and I didn't want to wait.

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > For the greater part of my therapy, things have been

> very focused and productive. I brought in my ACT book and discussed ACT

> and how I've been using it, and she was not only open-minded about using

> ACT, she got the book herself and said that her supervisor was very

> interested in ACT. We worked through some of the book together.

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > Throughout the process I have learned so much about

> myself, have really grown and begun to accept myself and explore myself

> for all that I am. I've learned to not judge myself or what I feel in

> the ways that I used to. This has been a very painful process, but a

> good one. For every period of pain and growth I've come out stronger and

> with less of a burden.

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > I've had a lot of different, positive feelings

> towards my therapist. I've found that these feelings were at time

> confusing. I've come to understand that these feelings are that of

> openness, connectedness, trust etc. the kinds of feelings I've felt in

> my very close relationships. Yet there was also a part of me that felt

> attracted to her at times and the fact that we have so much in common

> also deepend my connection and closeness to her. It seems that over time

> I became more aware of these positive feelings, and I was judging some

> of them as 'inappropriate' etc. For example, I could tell that part of

> me was longing for a deeper relationship with her, something outside of

> therapy. I kept fighting this feeling, pushing it down within myself,

> telling myself that it was crazy etc. What's interesting to me now is

> that by suppressing it, it manifested itself much more than it would

> have if I had just explored it straight-away.

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > I brought this up with my therapist a few times,

> saying that I was confused about feelings that I was having in session,

> my feelings of closeness and openness with her etc. Eventually, I

> realized that I needed to tell her matter of factly, not in the round

> about way that I had been. More importantly, I realized that I shouldn't

> judge myself for having feelings. I can see there being inappropriate

> actions or words, but to feel a thing is perfectly natural. Over the

> course of a few weeks I noticed that she seemed uncomfortable at times

> and even was frustrated with me. When I asked her if she had been

> frustrated with me in the last session, she admitted that she was. I was

> glad she was honest and that I could trust my instincts. She brought up

> termination somewhere around this time, which seemed to come out of

> nowhere.

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > Let me be clear, I never felt in love with my

> therapist, or obsessed or any such thing. I only would have wanted any

> kind of contact or relationship outside of the office if it was

> something that we both wanted, and the one thing I was sure of was that

> my therapy was going well and that I wanted to continue it. But I needed

> to get this out of the way. I needed to take a leap, to be totally

> honest and non-judgemental towards myself and also completely open with

> her. This was difficult and took a lot of effort.

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > When I told her all of how I felt, I explained that

> I had had many different feelings in session, some of them towards her,

> that of connection, etc. I even said that if I was forced to lablel them

> (which I'm loathe to do) I would label some of them as perhaps romantic,

> others as platonic and that I always felt respectful of her. I also told

> her that I was attracted to her in many ways, that even though I didn't

> know her very well that I felt I had a sense of the kind of person she

> was. She's always been very genuine and open with me and it's fostered a

> sense of trust between us and I told her how important that was and how

> it's helped me.

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > She told me that she was uncomfortable. When she

> asked how I thought she might react when I thought about telling her, I

> said that I had hoped she might explore the feelings more deeply with me

> and say something like, let's work through this. When I said that, she

> snapped at me that she wasn't a robot. I told her that I knew she wasn't

> a robot but that I hoped she might help me work through it. All that

> I've learned about therapy (disclosure here, I'm a psychology student

> myself) is that opening up to one's therapist, even about how you feel

> towards them, can be very positive and can help deepen one's

> self-acceptance and self-understanding. Being able to tell someone

> honestly how you feel about them is definitely a good thing, though

> sometimes painful. She told me that she hadn't had anything like this

> happen before and that she would need to talk to her supervisor.

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > At the next session she basically said that she felt

> that my telling her about my feelings were 'inappropriate' in the way

> that falling for a co-worker would be, that it crossed some kind of

> boundary. She seemed genuinely concerned about the course of therapy,

> but she didn't seem to budge on this point. We discussed it for a while

> and I told her that I felt that telling her those things was a major

> step forward for me, that I had assumed we would discuss the feelings

> and explore them the way we have my other feelings. I also told her that

> through telling her about those feelings, the one's that seemed

> 'romantic' diminished, or to put it a different way, I began to see them

> differently. Sometimes actually admitting something to oneself and being

> honest with yourself and another can make you see things differently and

> more clearly. I told her that I didn't have feelings for her in the way

> that she took what I had said. To be honest, I'm not en tirely cle ar

> what it is she 'heard' me say, she wouldn't tell me that directly when I

> asked her. She just kept saying that she thought we'd discussed it.

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > So at this point she started talking about what was

> best for me, and for her. I asked what her supervisor said, and she

> hesitated and said that she'd had a conversation with him and that he

> supported her and how she felt. For the first time since I started

> therapy with her, I doubted whether or not she was being honest with me.

> I told her that I would respect her feelings and if she wanted to start

> termination, we would do that. Yet, I also told her that I felt it a

> shame that my therapy might be derailed after such a big step forward

> for me and that I disagreed with her about the boundary thing. I felt I

> had crossed no such line and that I in fact SHOULD have told her

> especially, since she's my therapist and she could help me work through

> things.

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > Anyhow, the session ended with us discussing some

> recent progress I'd made and I agreed to meet every two weeks as opposed

> to every week. Yet after I got home, I began to think over the session

> and I can't help feel, as I felt last week, that she has made this about

> her somehow. After all, I'm the client. I can only assume that what I

> told her has triggered something in her. Her reaction was immediate and

> visceral. It's not as though I threatened her, but it almost feels like

> she felt threatened somehow. Things being what they are, I am not sure

> that I should continue seeing her because it seems like she's filtering

> everything I bring up now through the context of this event. It's as if

> she's hearing what she expects me to say, not what I'm saying, and that

> can't really work. For example, when I told her about a recent

> breakthrough I'd had as regards relationships generally, she told me she

> was hearing that I still 'had feelings' for her. I had to exp lain

> again, highlighting the fact that I was talking about something I'd

> realized GENERALLY speaking and that it wasn't about her or the feelings

> I'd described.

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > So, at this point, I'm not sure what to do. I have

> two weeks before our next scheduled appointment, but I'm feeling like

> this therapy has in some ways already been derailed. And I am not sure

> if she's going to be able to really treat me if she can't focus on me

> and what I'm going through. On the other hand, maybe I should continue

> on through the termination process (which is open-ended at this point).

> I think a feeling I'm confronting now is a lack of trust in the process

> moving forward with her. With such a fundamental difference in how we

> view the boundaries, I'm not sure if we can move forward at all.

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > Any advice, thoughts, insights on this would be

> greatly appreciated. Anyone have a similar experience?

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, this statement hit me wrong too. Are we reading it as you intended it ? I myself am female, heterosexual, and only feel comfortable seeing female therapists. I always felt too shy around men who are older than me. I tried a male therapist and could barely speak at all.

 

 

Except if you are a homosexual, you'd want a opposite sex therapist.

Russel, that is a very bizarre and unscientific statement. Are you a homophobe?Maybe what you mean to say is, " Because I am uncertain and uncomfortable about my own sexuality, I will only work with an opposite sex therapist. "

I am a man and I have requested male therapists and psychiatrists for past forty years. And I am not gay--not that that actually has anything to do with anything. Now I am moving half a continent away to Colorado and I just arranged for an ACT therapist through email. I picked a woman this time because I liked her answers to my questions.

Bud Polk

[Guest guest]

Thanks Terry, that's helpful advice. Much appreciated, E.

> > > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > > So, I've been seeing a therapist for several months at a

local clinic. The clinic is run by a local university and is staffed with

graduate students who are under supervision. This is all I could afford at the

time and the other option I had was to see a psychologist who was booked for 2

months and I didn't want to wait.

> > > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > > For the greater part of my therapy, things have been

very focused and productive. I brought in my ACT book and discussed ACT and how

I've been using it, and she was not only open-minded about using ACT, she got

the book herself and said that her supervisor was very interested in ACT. We

worked through some of the book together.

> > > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > > Throughout the process I have learned so much about

myself, have really grown and begun to accept myself and explore myself for all

that I am. I've learned to not judge myself or what I feel in the ways that I

used to. This has been a very painful process, but a good one. For every period

of pain and growth I've come out stronger and with less of a burden.

> > > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > > I've had a lot of different, positive feelings towards

my therapist. I've found that these feelings were at time confusing. I've come

to understand that these feelings are that of openness, connectedness, trust

etc. the kinds of feelings I've felt in my very close relationships. Yet there

was also a part of me that felt attracted to her at times and the fact that we

have so much in common also deepend my connection and closeness to her. It seems

that over time I became more aware of these positive feelings, and I was judging

some of them as 'inappropriate' etc. For example, I could tell that part of me

was longing for a deeper relationship with her, something outside of therapy. I

kept fighting this feeling, pushing it down within myself, telling myself that

it was crazy etc. What's interesting to me now is that by suppressing it, it

manifested itself much more than it would have if I had just explored it

straight-away.

> > > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > > I brought this up with my therapist a few times, saying

that I was confused about feelings that I was having in session, my feelings of

closeness and openness with her etc. Eventually, I realized that I needed to

tell her matter of factly, not in the round about way that I had been. More

importantly, I realized that I shouldn't judge myself for having feelings. I can

see there being inappropriate actions or words, but to feel a thing is perfectly

natural. Over the course of a few weeks I noticed that she seemed uncomfortable

at times and even was frustrated with me. When I asked her if she had been

frustrated with me in the last session, she admitted that she was. I was glad

she was honest and that I could trust my instincts. She brought up termination

somewhere around this time, which seemed to come out of nowhere.

> > > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > > Let me be clear, I never felt in love with my therapist,

or obsessed or any such thing. I only would have wanted any kind of contact or

relationship outside of the office if it was something that we both wanted, and

the one thing I was sure of was that my therapy was going well and that I wanted

to continue it. But I needed to get this out of the way. I needed to take a

leap, to be totally honest and non-judgemental towards myself and also

completely open with her. This was difficult and took a lot of effort.

> > > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > > When I told her all of how I felt, I explained that I

had had many different feelings in session, some of them towards her, that of

connection, etc. I even said that if I was forced to lablel them (which I'm

loathe to do) I would label some of them as perhaps romantic, others as platonic

and that I always felt respectful of her. I also told her that I was attracted

to her in many ways, that even though I didn't know her very well that I felt I

had a sense of the kind of person she was. She's always been very genuine and

open with me and it's fostered a sense of trust between us and I told her how

important that was and how it's helped me.

> > > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > > She told me that she was uncomfortable. When she asked

how I thought she might react when I thought about telling her, I said that I

had hoped she might explore the feelings more deeply with me and say something

like, let's work through this. When I said that, she snapped at me that she

wasn't a robot. I told her that I knew she wasn't a robot but that I hoped she

might help me work through it. All that I've learned about therapy (disclosure

here, I'm a psychology student myself) is that opening up to one's therapist,

even about how you feel towards them, can be very positive and can help deepen

one's self-acceptance and self-understanding. Being able to tell someone

honestly how you feel about them is definitely a good thing, though sometimes

painful. She told me that she hadn't had anything like this happen before and

that she would need to talk to her supervisor.

> > > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > > At the next session she basically said that she felt

that my telling her about my feelings were 'inappropriate' in the way that

falling for a co-worker would be, that it crossed some kind of boundary. She

seemed genuinely concerned about the course of therapy, but she didn't seem to

budge on this point. We discussed it for a while and I told her that I felt that

telling her those things was a major step forward for me, that I had assumed we

would discuss the feelings and explore them the way we have my other feelings. I

also told her that through telling her about those feelings, the one's that

seemed 'romantic' diminished, or to put it a different way, I began to see them

differently. Sometimes actually admitting something to oneself and being honest

with yourself and another can make you see things differently and more clearly.

I told her that I didn't have feelings for her in the way that she took what I

had said. To be honest, I'm not en tirely cle ar what it is she 'heard' me say,

she wouldn't tell me that directly when I asked her. She just kept saying that

she thought we'd discussed it.

> > > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > > So at this point she started talking about what was best

for me, and for her. I asked what her supervisor said, and she hesitated and

said that she'd had a conversation with him and that he supported her and how

she felt. For the first time since I started therapy with her, I doubted whether

or not she was being honest with me. I told her that I would respect her

feelings and if she wanted to start termination, we would do that. Yet, I also

told her that I felt it a shame that my therapy might be derailed after such a

big step forward for me and that I disagreed with her about the boundary thing.

I felt I had crossed no such line and that I in fact SHOULD have told her

especially, since she's my therapist and she could help me work through things.

> > > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > > Anyhow, the session ended with us discussing some recent

progress I'd made and I agreed to meet every two weeks as opposed to every week.

Yet after I got home, I began to think over the session and I can't help feel,

as I felt last week, that she has made this about her somehow. After all, I'm

the client. I can only assume that what I told her has triggered something in

her. Her reaction was immediate and visceral. It's not as though I threatened

her, but it almost feels like she felt threatened somehow. Things being what

they are, I am not sure that I should continue seeing her because it seems like

she's filtering everything I bring up now through the context of this event.

It's as if she's hearing what she expects me to say, not what I'm saying, and

that can't really work. For example, when I told her about a recent breakthrough

I'd had as regards relationships generally, she told me she was hearing that I

still 'had feelings' for her. I had to exp lain again, highlighting the fact

that I was talking about something I'd realized GENERALLY speaking and that it

wasn't about her or the feelings I'd described.

> > > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > > So, at this point, I'm not sure what to do. I have two

weeks before our next scheduled appointment, but I'm feeling like this therapy

has in some ways already been derailed. And I am not sure if she's going to be

able to really treat me if she can't focus on me and what I'm going through. On

the other hand, maybe I should continue on through the termination process

(which is open-ended at this point). I think a feeling I'm confronting now is a

lack of trust in the process moving forward with her. With such a fundamental

difference in how we view the boundaries, I'm not sure if we can move forward at

all.

> > > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > > Any advice, thoughts, insights on this would be greatly

appreciated. Anyone have a similar experience?

> > > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi and Bud,This thread, which began several weeks ago, dealt with issues stemming from having romantic feelings toward ones therapist, and someone suggested that to keep that from occurring, we could choose a same sex therapist. I mentioned that ones sexual orientation would be a factor in whether or not that would work. I believe was making the same point. I don't know if is homophobic or not, any more than you could know if I am--but, in all fairness, that cannot be inferred from our comments regarding sexual orientation or homosexuality within this thread.

Helena

Re: Re: not sure if I should find a new therapist

Yes, this statement hit me wrong too. Are we reading it as you intended it ? I myself am female, heterosexual, and only feel comfortable seeing female therapists. I always felt too shy around men who are older than me. I tried a male therapist and could barely speak at all.

Except if you are a homosexual, you'd want a opposite sex therapist.Russel, that is a very bizarre and unscientific statement. Are you a homophobe?Maybe what you mean to say is, "Because I am uncertain and uncomfortable about my own sexuality, I will only work with an opposite sex therapist." I am a man and I have requested male therapists and psychiatrists for past forty years. And I am not gay--not that that actually has anything to do with anything. Now I am moving half a continent away to Colorado and I just arranged for an ACT therapist through email. I picked a woman this time because I liked her answers to my questions.Bud Polk

[Guest guest]

Here's my take: A woman who is interested in pursuing a personal relationship would look at you. She may not be comfortable with how to relate socially with an ex client who has expressed a personal interest in her when she is not interested. There is no "client" role anymore, just a regular old "man / woman" role. From your description, I would say "she's just not that into you" (and that is not a negative reflection on you). You can sit with those understandable feelings of rejection for awhile then, realizing that you are attractive and lovable, move on to noticing and pursuing another fish in the pond!

I wish you the best,

Helena

Re: not sure if I should find a new therapist

So I'm facing a challenge post-therapy. I ran into my therapist the other day and she wouldn't look at me from across a room in a coffee shop. More specifically she looked at me and then looked away. And a second time when I saw her she looked away quickly and then actually turned her back to me. I'd had her not look at me before and she explained that she wasn't allowed to talk to me or anything for confidentiality reasons, which I understood. She also said that I was welcome to say anything to her if I saw her in public. I did speak to her another time in public and it was fine. But now that therapy is over, I'm confused. We didn't talk about what would happen if I saw her in public post-therapy. Adding to my confusion is the fact that I told her that I would like to get to know her more as a person if possible. I expressed that I didn't have any expectations but that I was open to that possibility. She told me a while ago that we couldn't be friends while she was my therapist. I didn't get a direct response from her on this because it was something I wrote to her on a thank you card I gave to her in our last session. So, I'm conflicted. Should I approach her and clarify things? Or should I not because I want to respect the fact that she might not be comfortable talking to me? I'm very confused. I am really not sure what to do. I guess the biggest problem is feeling like I can't be on any kind of normal, or even civil basis with someone that I've opened up to so much. I know that the therapist/client relationship is different, some might even say unnatural. But we're both humans first, and I guess the human part of me isn't sure how to live the "client" role now that therapy is over.Coming at this from an ACT perspective, I realize that running into, even approaching her isn't really a problem. I guess the problem is I don't want to intrude on her world, if that makes sense. Maybe I need to just clarify things with her and let the pieces fall where they may? And maybe I can explain to her if I approach her how I feel I need some clarity and am not sure what else to do? Or maybe I just let it all drop, confront the pain of being shut out, so to speak? I may just have to accept the fact that she isn't comfortable interacting with me now.Any thoughts?> > > > > > > > > >> > > > > > > > > > So, I've been seeing a therapist for several months at a local clinic. The clinic is run by a local university and is staffed with graduate students who are under supervision. This is all I could afford at the time and the other option I had was to see a psychologist who was booked for 2 months and I didn't want to wait.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > For the greater part of my therapy, things have been very focused and productive. I brought in my ACT book and discussed ACT and how I've been using it, and she was not only open-minded about using ACT, she got the book herself and said that her supervisor was very interested in ACT. We worked through some of the book together.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Throughout the process I have learned so much about myself, have really grown and begun to accept myself and explore myself for all that I am. I've learned to not judge myself or what I feel in the ways that I used to. This has been a very painful process, but a good one. For every period of pain and growth I've come out stronger and with less of a burden.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I've had a lot of different, positive feelings towards my therapist. I've found that these feelings were at time confusing. I've come to understand that these feelings are that of openness, connectedness, trust etc. the kinds of feelings I've felt in my very close relationships. Yet there was also a part of me that felt attracted to her at times and the fact that we have so much in common also deepend my connection and closeness to her. It seems that over time I became more aware of these positive feelings, and I was judging some of them as 'inappropriate' etc. For example, I could tell that part of me was longing for a deeper relationship with her, something outside of therapy. I kept fighting this feeling, pushing it down within myself, telling myself that it was crazy etc. What's interesting to me now is that by suppressing it, it manifested itself much more than it would have if I had just explored it straight-away.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I brought this up with my therapist a few times, saying that I was confused about feelings that I was having in session, my feelings of closeness and openness with her etc. Eventually, I realized that I needed to tell her matter of factly, not in the round about way that I had been. More importantly, I realized that I shouldn't judge myself for having feelings. I can see there being inappropriate actions or words, but to feel a thing is perfectly natural. Over the course of a few weeks I noticed that she seemed uncomfortable at times and even was frustrated with me. When I asked her if she had been frustrated with me in the last session, she admitted that she was. I was glad she was honest and that I could trust my instincts. She brought up termination somewhere around this time, which seemed to come out of nowhere.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Let me be clear, I never felt in love with my therapist, or obsessed or any such thing. I only would have wanted any kind of contact or relationship outside of the office if it was something that we both wanted, and the one thing I was sure of was that my therapy was going well and that I wanted to continue it. But I needed to get this out of the way. I needed to take a leap, to be totally honest and non-judgemental towards myself and also completely open with her. This was difficult and took a lot of effort.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > When I told her all of how I felt, I explained that I had had many different feelings in session, some of them towards her, that of connection, etc. I even said that if I was forced to lablel them (which I'm loathe to do) I would label some of them as perhaps romantic, others as platonic and that I always felt respectful of her. I also told her that I was attracted to her in many ways, that even though I didn't know her very well that I felt I had a sense of the kind of person she was. She's always been very genuine and open with me and it's fostered a sense of trust between us and I told her how important that was and how it's helped me.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > She told me that she was uncomfortable. When she asked how I thought she might react when I thought about telling her, I said that I had hoped she might explore the feelings more deeply with me and say something like, let's work through this. When I said that, she snapped at me that she wasn't a robot. I told her that I knew she wasn't a robot but that I hoped she might help me work through it. All that I've learned about therapy (disclosure here, I'm a psychology student myself) is that opening up to one's therapist, even about how you feel towards them, can be very positive and can help deepen one's self-acceptance and self-understanding. Being able to tell someone honestly how you feel about them is definitely a good thing, though sometimes painful. She told me that she hadn't had anything like this happen before and that she would need to talk to her supervisor.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > At the next session she basically said that she felt that my telling her about my feelings were 'inappropriate' in the way that falling for a co-worker would be, that it crossed some kind of boundary. She seemed genuinely concerned about the course of therapy, but she didn't seem to budge on this point. We discussed it for a while and I told her that I felt that telling her those things was a major step forward for me, that I had assumed we would discuss the feelings and explore them the way we have my other feelings. I also told her that through telling her about those feelings, the one's that seemed 'romantic' diminished, or to put it a different way, I began to see them differently. Sometimes actually admitting something to oneself and being honest with yourself and another can make you see things differently and more clearly. I told her that I didn't have feelings for her in the way that she took what I had said. To be honest, I'm not en tirely cle ar what it is she 'heard' me say, she wouldn't tell me that directly when I asked her. She just kept saying that she thought we'd discussed it.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > So at this point she started talking about what was best for me, and for her. I asked what her supervisor said, and she hesitated and said that she'd had a conversation with him and that he supported her and how she felt. For the first time since I started therapy with her, I doubted whether or not she was being honest with me. I told her that I would respect her feelings and if she wanted to start termination, we would do that. Yet, I also told her that I felt it a shame that my therapy might be derailed after such a big step forward for me and that I disagreed with her about the boundary thing. I felt I had crossed no such line and that I in fact SHOULD have told her especially, since she's my therapist and she could help me work through things.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Anyhow, the session ended with us discussing some recent progress I'd made and I agreed to meet every two weeks as opposed to every week. Yet after I got home, I began to think over the session and I can't help feel, as I felt last week, that she has made this about her somehow. After all, I'm the client. I can only assume that what I told her has triggered something in her. Her reaction was immediate and visceral. It's not as though I threatened her, but it almost feels like she felt threatened somehow. Things being what they are, I am not sure that I should continue seeing her because it seems like she's filtering everything I bring up now through the context of this event. It's as if she's hearing what she expects me to say, not what I'm saying, and that can't really work. For example, when I told her about a recent breakthrough I'd had as regards relationships generally, she told me she was hearing that I still 'had feelings' for her. I had to exp lain again, highlighting the fact that I was talking about something I'd realized GENERALLY speaking and that it wasn't about her or the feelings I'd described.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > So, at this point, I'm not sure what to do. I have two weeks before our next scheduled appointment, but I'm feeling like this therapy has in some ways already been derailed. And I am not sure if she's going to be able to really treat me if she can't focus on me and what I'm going through. On the other hand, maybe I should continue on through the termination process (which is open-ended at this point). I think a feeling I'm confronting now is a lack of trust in the process moving forward with her. With such a fundamental difference in how we view the boundaries, I'm not sure if we can move forward at all.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Any advice, thoughts, insights on this would be greatly appreciated. Anyone have a similar experience?> > > > > > > > > >> > > > > > > > >> > > > > > > >> > > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > > > > > > >> > > >> > > > > >> >>

[Guest guest]

Hi --I'd like to mention a couple things.First of all, ethically, the same rules of confidentiality apply whether someone is a current or past client (ie.the therapist must not disclose any information about the therapy, or indeed that there even is/was a therapeutic relationship).  And the reason a therapist leaves it up to a client (or or past client) to come over to them in public is maintain the client's confidentiality.  For example, suppose a client was out in public with other people and the therapist/ex-therapist came over. If their friends ask " how do you know each other? " it puts the client in a position of of either disclosing the fact of the therapy (which they may not want to do) or lying or being evasive. 

The second thing thing is, ethically, a therapist is not supposed to be friends with a client after therapy is finished (the same thing goes for romantic relationships with clients).  This is for the good of the client.  This isn't to say that this never happens, but it could result in the licensing board taking action against the therapist.  There are a few reasons for this 'rule' but the most important one in my opinion is because it is up to the therapist to hold healthy boundaries.  The therapeutic relationship is not an equal relationship in many ways.  It is about the therapist taking care of the client (or it should be.)  The therapist tends to be in a position of power (they know a lot about the client, the client knows little about them.)  This is not in itself a bad thing -- it is appropriate for a therapist to focus on the client and not make sessions about themselves.  But were the therapist to try to have a relationship out of/post therapy, this inequality would be an abuse of the power in the relationship.  Now this may not be a particular issue to you, but many people have been hurt in their lives because people who should have maintained boundaries, (ie. people in a power position) haven't.  This can range from a parent making a child the caretaker in the relationship to sexual abuse.  Both are abuses of power, both of them have to do with a lack of appropriate boundaries. 

Okay, this may be more than you are interested, and is just my take on the situation.  I hope it clarifies some things for you.  Ending a therapeutic relationship can be very challenging and upsetting.  From my perspective, the very real issues and feelings of the termination of therapy, as well as your feelings about your ex-therapist would best be served by talking it through with another therapist (or using ACT principles to just sit with the feelings, notice them, etc.).  You could contact your ex-therapist for a session to discuss your experience, but from what you disclosed about her, she doesn't seem all that comfortable dealing with the complex feelings that come up in therapy.  Of course, I view this as a shortcoming in a therapist, but we're talking about the best way to get YOUR needs met, and so I personally wouldn't want to go to an empty well. 

I hope this has been helpful -- take it for what it's worth.Best,Barbara W. 

 

So I'm facing a challenge post-therapy. I ran into my therapist the other day and she wouldn't look at me from across a room in a coffee shop. More specifically she looked at me and then looked away. And a second time when I saw her she looked away quickly and then actually turned her back to me. I'd had her not look at me before and she explained that she wasn't allowed to talk to me or anything for confidentiality reasons, which I understood. She also said that I was welcome to say anything to her if I saw her in public. I did speak to her another time in public and it was fine.

But now that therapy is over, I'm confused. We didn't talk about what would happen if I saw her in public post-therapy. Adding to my confusion is the fact that I told her that I would like to get to know her more as a person if possible. I expressed that I didn't have any expectations but that I was open to that possibility. She told me a while ago that we couldn't be friends while she was my therapist. I didn't get a direct response from her on this because it was something I wrote to her on a thank you card I gave to her in our last session.

So, I'm conflicted. Should I approach her and clarify things? Or should I not because I want to respect the fact that she might not be comfortable talking to me? I'm very confused. I am really not sure what to do. I guess the biggest problem is feeling like I can't be on any kind of normal, or even civil basis with someone that I've opened up to so much. I know that the therapist/client relationship is different, some might even say unnatural. But we're both humans first, and I guess the human part of me isn't sure how to live the " client " role now that therapy is over.

Coming at this from an ACT perspective, I realize that running into, even approaching her isn't really a problem. I guess the problem is I don't want to intrude on her world, if that makes sense. Maybe I need to just clarify things with her and let the pieces fall where they may? And maybe I can explain to her if I approach her how I feel I need some clarity and am not sure what else to do? Or maybe I just let it all drop, confront the pain of being shut out, so to speak? I may just have to accept the fact that she isn't comfortable interacting with me now.

Any thoughts?

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > So, I've been seeing a therapist for several months at a local clinic. The clinic is run by a local university and is staffed with graduate students who are under supervision. This is all I could afford at the time and the other option I had was to see a psychologist who was booked for 2 months and I didn't want to wait.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > For the greater part of my therapy, things have been very focused and productive. I brought in my ACT book and discussed ACT and how I've been using it, and she was not only open-minded about using ACT, she got the book herself and said that her supervisor was very interested in ACT. We worked through some of the book together.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > Throughout the process I have learned so much about myself, have really grown and begun to accept myself and explore myself for all that I am. I've learned to not judge myself or what I feel in the ways that I used to. This has been a very painful process, but a good one. For every period of pain and growth I've come out stronger and with less of a burden.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > I've had a lot of different, positive feelings towards my therapist. I've found that these feelings were at time confusing. I've come to understand that these feelings are that of openness, connectedness, trust etc. the kinds of feelings I've felt in my very close relationships. Yet there was also a part of me that felt attracted to her at times and the fact that we have so much in common also deepend my connection and closeness to her. It seems that over time I became more aware of these positive feelings, and I was judging some of them as 'inappropriate' etc. For example, I could tell that part of me was longing for a deeper relationship with her, something outside of therapy. I kept fighting this feeling, pushing it down within myself, telling myself that it was crazy etc. What's interesting to me now is that by suppressing it, it manifested itself much more than it would have if I had just explored it straight-away.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > I brought this up with my therapist a few times, saying that I was confused about feelings that I was having in session, my feelings of closeness and openness with her etc. Eventually, I realized that I needed to tell her matter of factly, not in the round about way that I had been. More importantly, I realized that I shouldn't judge myself for having feelings. I can see there being inappropriate actions or words, but to feel a thing is perfectly natural. Over the course of a few weeks I noticed that she seemed uncomfortable at times and even was frustrated with me. When I asked her if she had been frustrated with me in the last session, she admitted that she was. I was glad she was honest and that I could trust my instincts. She brought up termination somewhere around this time, which seemed to come out of nowhere.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > Let me be clear, I never felt in love with my therapist, or obsessed or any such thing. I only would have wanted any kind of contact or relationship outside of the office if it was something that we both wanted, and the one thing I was sure of was that my therapy was going well and that I wanted to continue it. But I needed to get this out of the way. I needed to take a leap, to be totally honest and non-judgemental towards myself and also completely open with her. This was difficult and took a lot of effort.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > When I told her all of how I felt, I explained that I had had many different feelings in session, some of them towards her, that of connection, etc. I even said that if I was forced to lablel them (which I'm loathe to do) I would label some of them as perhaps romantic, others as platonic and that I always felt respectful of her. I also told her that I was attracted to her in many ways, that even though I didn't know her very well that I felt I had a sense of the kind of person she was. She's always been very genuine and open with me and it's fostered a sense of trust between us and I told her how important that was and how it's helped me.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > She told me that she was uncomfortable. When she asked how I thought she might react when I thought about telling her, I said that I had hoped she might explore the feelings more deeply with me and say something like, let's work through this. When I said that, she snapped at me that she wasn't a robot. I told her that I knew she wasn't a robot but that I hoped she might help me work through it. All that I've learned about therapy (disclosure here, I'm a psychology student myself) is that opening up to one's therapist, even about how you feel towards them, can be very positive and can help deepen one's self-acceptance and self-understanding. Being able to tell someone honestly how you feel about them is definitely a good thing, though sometimes painful. She told me that she hadn't had anything like this happen before and that she would need to talk to her supervisor.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > At the next session she basically said that she felt that my telling her about my feelings were 'inappropriate' in the way that falling for a co-worker would be, that it crossed some kind of boundary. She seemed genuinely concerned about the course of therapy, but she didn't seem to budge on this point. We discussed it for a while and I told her that I felt that telling her those things was a major step forward for me, that I had assumed we would discuss the feelings and explore them the way we have my other feelings. I also told her that through telling her about those feelings, the one's that seemed 'romantic' diminished, or to put it a different way, I began to see them differently. Sometimes actually admitting something to oneself and being honest with yourself and another can make you see things differently and more clearly. I told her that I didn't have feelings for her in the way that she took what I had said. To be honest, I'm not en tirely cle ar what it is she 'heard' me say, she wouldn't tell me that directly when I asked her. She just kept saying that she thought we'd discussed it.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > So at this point she started talking about what was best for me, and for her. I asked what her supervisor said, and she hesitated and said that she'd had a conversation with him and that he supported her and how she felt. For the first time since I started therapy with her, I doubted whether or not she was being honest with me. I told her that I would respect her feelings and if she wanted to start termination, we would do that. Yet, I also told her that I felt it a shame that my therapy might be derailed after such a big step forward for me and that I disagreed with her about the boundary thing. I felt I had crossed no such line and that I in fact SHOULD have told her especially, since she's my therapist and she could help me work through things.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > Anyhow, the session ended with us discussing some recent progress I'd made and I agreed to meet every two weeks as opposed to every week. Yet after I got home, I began to think over the session and I can't help feel, as I felt last week, that she has made this about her somehow. After all, I'm the client. I can only assume that what I told her has triggered something in her. Her reaction was immediate and visceral. It's not as though I threatened her, but it almost feels like she felt threatened somehow. Things being what they are, I am not sure that I should continue seeing her because it seems like she's filtering everything I bring up now through the context of this event. It's as if she's hearing what she expects me to say, not what I'm saying, and that can't really work. For example, when I told her about a recent breakthrough I'd had as regards relationships generally, she told me she was hearing that I still 'had feelings' for her. I had to exp lain again, highlighting the fact that I was talking about something I'd realized GENERALLY speaking and that it wasn't about her or the feelings I'd described.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > So, at this point, I'm not sure what to do. I have two weeks before our next scheduled appointment, but I'm feeling like this therapy has in some ways already been derailed. And I am not sure if she's going to be able to really treat me if she can't focus on me and what I'm going through. On the other hand, maybe I should continue on through the termination process (which is open-ended at this point). I think a feeling I'm confronting now is a lack of trust in the process moving forward with her. With such a fundamental difference in how we view the boundaries, I'm not sure if we can move forward at all.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > Any advice, thoughts, insights on this would be greatly appreciated. Anyone have a similar experience?

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

-- Barbara White, MFTMarriage and Family Therapistbarbarawhitetherapy.com

[Guest guest]

Thank you Barbara, that is very helpful and gives me a lot to think about, I

appreciate it.

It's definitely a tricky thing. What perplexes me I guess is knowing where the

line is. For example, if you run into someone that used to be your therapist,

and you acknowledge them, even if by looking at them for a few moments, it would

seem they would be welcome to at least return your acknowledgment of your

presence, even if they didn't go so far as to walk over and talk to you or wave,

etc. So then that makes me think, well, she just doesn't want anything to do

with me. And I should reiterate that I have just wanted to keep the connection,

not necessarily anything romantic. So maybe that's just it, that I am struggling

with letting go of someone that I've opened up to so much and connected with.

Someone who I know has felt connected to me (her words) and maybe I'm just not

sure how to deal with it all quite yet.

I'll try to inject a little humor here. Has anyone ever thought it funny, the

idea of going to a different therapist to get through the complex feelings you

have towards your last therapist? It seems that cycle could go on, and

on...wash, rinse, repeat...wash, rinse, repeat ;-) :-D

> > > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > > So, I've been seeing a therapist for several months at

> > a local clinic. The clinic is run by a local university and is staffed with

> > graduate students who are under supervision. This is all I could afford at

> > the time and the other option I had was to see a psychologist who was booked

> > for 2 months and I didn't want to wait.

> > > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > > For the greater part of my therapy, things have been

> > very focused and productive. I brought in my ACT book and discussed ACT and

> > how I've been using it, and she was not only open-minded about using ACT,

> > she got the book herself and said that her supervisor was very interested in

> > ACT. We worked through some of the book together.

> > > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > > Throughout the process I have learned so much about

> > myself, have really grown and begun to accept myself and explore myself for

> > all that I am. I've learned to not judge myself or what I feel in the ways

> > that I used to. This has been a very painful process, but a good one. For

> > every period of pain and growth I've come out stronger and with less of a

> > burden.

> > > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > > I've had a lot of different, positive feelings towards

> > my therapist. I've found that these feelings were at time confusing. I've

> > come to understand that these feelings are that of openness, connectedness,

> > trust etc. the kinds of feelings I've felt in my very close relationships.

> > Yet there was also a part of me that felt attracted to her at times and the

> > fact that we have so much in common also deepend my connection and closeness

> > to her. It seems that over time I became more aware of these positive

> > feelings, and I was judging some of them as 'inappropriate' etc. For

> > example, I could tell that part of me was longing for a deeper relationship

> > with her, something outside of therapy. I kept fighting this feeling,

> > pushing it down within myself, telling myself that it was crazy etc. What's

> > interesting to me now is that by suppressing it, it manifested itself much

> > more than it would have if I had just explored it straight-away.

> > > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > > I brought this up with my therapist a few times, saying

> > that I was confused about feelings that I was having in session, my feelings

> > of closeness and openness with her etc. Eventually, I realized that I needed

> > to tell her matter of factly, not in the round about way that I had been.

> > More importantly, I realized that I shouldn't judge myself for having

> > feelings. I can see there being inappropriate actions or words, but to feel

> > a thing is perfectly natural. Over the course of a few weeks I noticed that

> > she seemed uncomfortable at times and even was frustrated with me. When I

> > asked her if she had been frustrated with me in the last session, she

> > admitted that she was. I was glad she was honest and that I could trust my

> > instincts. She brought up termination somewhere around this time, which

> > seemed to come out of nowhere.

> > > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > > Let me be clear, I never felt in love with my

> > therapist, or obsessed or any such thing. I only would have wanted any kind

> > of contact or relationship outside of the office if it was something that we

> > both wanted, and the one thing I was sure of was that my therapy was going

> > well and that I wanted to continue it. But I needed to get this out of the

> > way. I needed to take a leap, to be totally honest and non-judgemental

> > towards myself and also completely open with her. This was difficult and

> > took a lot of effort.

> > > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > > When I told her all of how I felt, I explained that I

> > had had many different feelings in session, some of them towards her, that

> > of connection, etc. I even said that if I was forced to lablel them (which

> > I'm loathe to do) I would label some of them as perhaps romantic, others as

> > platonic and that I always felt respectful of her. I also told her that I

> > was attracted to her in many ways, that even though I didn't know her very

> > well that I felt I had a sense of the kind of person she was. She's always

> > been very genuine and open with me and it's fostered a sense of trust

> > between us and I told her how important that was and how it's helped me.

> > > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > > She told me that she was uncomfortable. When she asked

> > how I thought she might react when I thought about telling her, I said that

> > I had hoped she might explore the feelings more deeply with me and say

> > something like, let's work through this. When I said that, she snapped at me

> > that she wasn't a robot. I told her that I knew she wasn't a robot but that

> > I hoped she might help me work through it. All that I've learned about

> > therapy (disclosure here, I'm a psychology student myself) is that opening

> > up to one's therapist, even about how you feel towards them, can be very

> > positive and can help deepen one's self-acceptance and self-understanding.

> > Being able to tell someone honestly how you feel about them is definitely a

> > good thing, though sometimes painful. She told me that she hadn't had

> > anything like this happen before and that she would need to talk to her

> > supervisor.

> > > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > > At the next session she basically said that she felt

> > that my telling her about my feelings were 'inappropriate' in the way that

> > falling for a co-worker would be, that it crossed some kind of boundary. She

> > seemed genuinely concerned about the course of therapy, but she didn't seem

> > to budge on this point. We discussed it for a while and I told her that I

> > felt that telling her those things was a major step forward for me, that I

> > had assumed we would discuss the feelings and explore them the way we have

> > my other feelings. I also told her that through telling her about those

> > feelings, the one's that seemed 'romantic' diminished, or to put it a

> > different way, I began to see them differently. Sometimes actually admitting

> > something to oneself and being honest with yourself and another can make you

> > see things differently and more clearly. I told her that I didn't have

> > feelings for her in the way that she took what I had said. To be honest, I'm

> > not en tirely cle ar what it is she 'heard' me say, she wouldn't tell me

> > that directly when I asked her. She just kept saying that she thought we'd

> > discussed it.

> > > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > > So at this point she started talking about what was

> > best for me, and for her. I asked what her supervisor said, and she

> > hesitated and said that she'd had a conversation with him and that he

> > supported her and how she felt. For the first time since I started therapy

> > with her, I doubted whether or not she was being honest with me. I told her

> > that I would respect her feelings and if she wanted to start termination, we

> > would do that. Yet, I also told her that I felt it a shame that my therapy

> > might be derailed after such a big step forward for me and that I disagreed

> > with her about the boundary thing. I felt I had crossed no such line and

> > that I in fact SHOULD have told her especially, since she's my therapist and

> > she could help me work through things.

> > > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > > Anyhow, the session ended with us discussing some

> > recent progress I'd made and I agreed to meet every two weeks as opposed to

> > every week. Yet after I got home, I began to think over the session and I

> > can't help feel, as I felt last week, that she has made this about her

> > somehow. After all, I'm the client. I can only assume that what I told her

> > has triggered something in her. Her reaction was immediate and visceral.

> > It's not as though I threatened her, but it almost feels like she felt

> > threatened somehow. Things being what they are, I am not sure that I should

> > continue seeing her because it seems like she's filtering everything I bring

> > up now through the context of this event. It's as if she's hearing what she

> > expects me to say, not what I'm saying, and that can't really work. For

> > example, when I told her about a recent breakthrough I'd had as regards

> > relationships generally, she told me she was hearing that I still 'had

> > feelings' for her. I had to exp lain again, highlighting the fact that I was

> > talking about something I'd realized GENERALLY speaking and that it wasn't

> > about her or the feelings I'd described.

> > > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > > So, at this point, I'm not sure what to do. I have two

> > weeks before our next scheduled appointment, but I'm feeling like this

> > therapy has in some ways already been derailed. And I am not sure if she's

> > going to be able to really treat me if she can't focus on me and what I'm

> > going through. On the other hand, maybe I should continue on through the

> > termination process (which is open-ended at this point). I think a feeling

> > I'm confronting now is a lack of trust in the process moving forward with

> > her. With such a fundamental difference in how we view the boundaries, I'm

> > not sure if we can move forward at all.

> > > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > > Any advice, thoughts, insights on this would be greatly

> > appreciated. Anyone have a similar experience?

> > > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

> --

> Barbara White, MFT

> Marriage and Family Therapist

>

> barbarawhitetherapy.com

>

[Guest guest]

I was interested to read these suggestions (rules?) concerning ethics and think they sound helpful. Are they APA guidelines? Rules and guidelines may vary in other countires though. The following British Psychological Society guidelines apply to clinical psychologists in the UK:

2.1.3.4 Psychologists must not enter into a

sexual relationship with former clients for at

least two years after discharge and the ending

of services. Even after this period, the burden

of demonstrating non-exploitation remains,

and the psychologist must consider the

following:

the amount of time that has passed since

ending therapy;

the nature of treatment;

the circumstances of ending;

the client’s personal history;

the client’s current mental status;

the likelihood of adverse impact on the

client and others;

any statement or actions made by the

psychologists during the course of therapy

suggesting or inviting the possibility of

post-treatment sexual or romantic

relationship.

The same careful consideration must be

applied in relation to all other forms of

potential personal contact between client and

psychologist, including those with other family

members of the client.

I'm not suggesting that the rules you describe are better or worse, of course, Barbara, though I think I would want to define "friend" which to me can mean a whole range of things. I would not phone my ex-therapist for a friendly chat but I am sure he would stop and ask me how I am if I met him in the street ie be friendly. This has in fact happened. Actually I think he would see it as a successful outcome if I approached him to chat as it would show that I have managed to beat my social anxiety and act quite naturally when seeing him (or anyone else!)

And to Ed I would suggest that the therapist appears anxious about contact with you and this may well be related to ethical guidelines. I doubt whether it means anything much about you. I so understand how this seems to have unnerved you though.

My other posts don't seem to have come through - maybe held up by the snow here? So apologies if I seem to repeat myself later!

S.

10

Subject: Re: Re: not sure if I should find a new therapistTo: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Friday, 3 December, 2010, 12:22

Hi --I'd like to mention a couple things.First of all, ethically, the same rules of confidentiality apply whether someone is a current or past client (ie.the therapist must not disclose any information about the therapy, or indeed that there even is/was a therapeutic relationship). And the reason a therapist leaves it up to a client (or or past client) to come over to them in public is maintain the client's confidentiality. For example, suppose a client was out in public with other people and the therapist/ex-therapist came over. If their friends ask "how do you know each other?" it puts the client in a position of of either disclosing the fact of the therapy (which they may not want to do) or lying or being evasive. The second thing thing is, ethically, a therapist is not supposed to be friends with a client after therapy is finished (the same thing goes for romantic relationships with clients). This

is for the good of the client. This isn't to say that this never happens, but it could result in the licensing board taking action against the therapist. There are a few reasons for this 'rule' but the most important one in my opinion is because it is up to the therapist to hold healthy boundaries. The therapeutic relationship is not an equal relationship in many ways. It is about the therapist taking care of the client (or it should be.) The therapist tends to be in a position of power (they know a lot about the client, the client knows little about them.) This is not in itself a bad thing -- it is appropriate for a therapist to focus on the client and not make sessions about themselves. But were the therapist to try to have a relationship out of/post therapy, this inequality would be an abuse of the power in the relationship. Now this may not be a particular issue to you, but many people have been hurt

in their lives because people who should have maintained boundaries, (ie. people in a power position) haven't. This can range from a parent making a child the caretaker in the relationship to sexual abuse. Both are abuses of power, both of them have to do with a lack of appropriate boundaries. Okay, this may be more than you are interested, and is just my take on the situation. I hope it clarifies some things for you. Ending a therapeutic relationship can be very challenging and upsetting. From my perspective, the very real issues and feelings of the termination of therapy, as well as your feelings about your ex-therapist would best be served by talking it through with another therapist (or using ACT principles to just sit with the feelings, notice them, etc.). You could contact your ex-therapist for a session to discuss your experience, but from what you disclosed about her, she doesn't seem all that

comfortable dealing with the complex feelings that come up in therapy. Of course, I view this as a shortcoming in a therapist, but we're talking about the best way to get YOUR needs met, and so I personally wouldn't want to go to an empty well. I hope this has been helpful -- take it for what it's worth.Best,Barbara W.

[Guest guest]

Thanks S, that is also very helpful food for thought. I must admit, it will seem

very odd to me if I am unable to be at least friendly/normal with her in some

way. It was fine the last time I approached her in public (when she was still my

therapist) so maybe I'll try that again, or maybe not. I suppose I'll see how I

feel in the moment and if it feels right and so on. I think you make a good

point though, she probably doesn't feel entirely comfortable, and maybe she's

not really sure how she should act. I should keep that in mind. And thanks for

the vote of confidence, I certainly hope it's nothing personal against me!

It's nice to hear that you've had such positive and normal interactions with an

ex-therapist. This is how I imagine it could be. I definitely understand the

boundaries and why they're there. I guess I just think things should have the

opportunity to change and move forward after therapy, if both people are

agreeable to the idea. As I see it, the therapist doesn't necessarily need to

remain in a position of power etc. and that the two people can learn to interact

in a more normalized way. In fact I think perhaps that the therapist shouldn't

remain in that role unless it has been left open-ended (where a client may feel

encouraged to make an appt. in future if needed.) Obviously this needn't extend

to any kind of romantic relationship but, Wouldn't a change to something more

normal be better for both people in a way?

I like that you looked into rules in different places. I know that the range

treatment options is different in Germany, for example, for therapists, so it

makes sense that different cultures would have different attitudes regarding

this sort of thing. Definitely worth considering.

>

>

>

> Subject: Re: Re: not sure if I should find a new

therapist

> To: ACT_for_the_Public

> Date: Friday, 3 December, 2010, 12:22

>

>

>  

>

>

>

> Hi --

>

> I'd like to mention a couple things.

>

> First of all, ethically, the same rules of confidentiality apply whether

someone is a current or past client (ie.the therapist must not disclose any

information about the therapy, or indeed that there even is/was a therapeutic

relationship).  And the reason a therapist leaves it up to a client (or or past

client) to come over to them in public is maintain the client's

confidentiality.  For example, suppose a client was out in public with other

people and the therapist/ex-therapist came over. If their friends ask " how do

you know each other? " it puts the client in a position of of either disclosing

the fact of the therapy (which they may not want to do) or lying or being

evasive. 

>

> The second thing thing is, ethically, a therapist is not supposed to be

friends with a client after therapy is finished (the same thing goes for

romantic relationships with clients).  This is for the good of the client. 

This isn't to say that this never happens, but it could result in the licensing

board taking action against the therapist.  There are a few reasons for this

'rule' but the most important one in my opinion is because it is up to the

therapist to hold healthy boundaries.  The therapeutic relationship is not an

equal relationship in many ways.  It is about the therapist taking care of the

client (or it should be.)  The therapist tends to be in a position of power

(they know a lot about the client, the client knows little about them.)  This

is not in itself a bad thing -- it is appropriate for a therapist to focus on

the client and not make sessions about themselves.  But were the therapist to

try to have a relationship out of/post

> therapy, this inequality would be an abuse of the power in the

relationship.  Now this may not be a particular issue to you, but many people

have been hurt in their lives because people who should have maintained

boundaries, (ie. people in a power position) haven't.  This can range from a

parent making a child the caretaker in the relationship to sexual abuse.  Both

are abuses of power, both of them have to do with a lack of appropriate

boundaries. 

>

> Okay, this may be more than you are interested, and is just my take on the

situation.  I hope it clarifies some things for you.  Ending a therapeutic

relationship can be very challenging and upsetting.  From my perspective, the

very real issues and feelings of the termination of therapy, as well as your

feelings about your ex-therapist would best be served by talking it through with

another therapist (or using ACT principles to just sit with the feelings, notice

them, etc.).  You could contact your ex-therapist for a session to discuss your

experience, but from what you disclosed about her, she doesn't seem all that

comfortable dealing with the complex feelings that come up in therapy.  Of

course, I view this as a shortcoming in a therapist, but we're talking about the

best way to get YOUR needs met, and so I personally wouldn't want to go to an

empty well. 

>

> I hope this has been helpful -- take it for what it's worth.

>

> Best,

> Barbara W. 

>

[Guest guest]

Bud,Huh!? I don't think you understand what I said or to what I was responding.  Really mundane thing I was saying but don't worry about it.

 

 

Except if you are a homosexual, you'd want a opposite sex therapist.

Russel, that is a very bizarre and unscientific statement. Are you a homophobe?Maybe what you mean to say is, " Because I am uncertain and uncomfortable about my own sexuality, I will only work with an opposite sex therapist. "

I am a man and I have requested male therapists and psychiatrists for past forty years. And I am not gay--not that that actually has anything to do with anything. Now I am moving half a continent away to Colorado and I just arranged for an ACT therapist through email. I picked a woman this time because I liked her answers to my questions.

Bud Polk

[Guest guest]

wrote: " Yes, this statement hit me wrong too. Are we reading it as you intended it ? " Yes, I certainly think you are mis-reading what I am saying.  Perhaps just look at what I was responding too.  I guess I should include quotes in my response - like I have here.  Nothing bizarre - really mundane.  Previous post said it may be better to just have same-sex therapist to avoid the problem this thread is about.  The poster assumed heterosexual client.  I was just pointing out, if client is a homosexual, then to avoid this problem that client would need to pick opposite-sex therapist.

I'm a little puzzled by yours and Bud's mis-reading, but I try to put in quote of message I'm responding to to avoid this confusion.I have had both men and women therapist and counselors.  I have gotten a lot from both and feel comfortable around men and around women.  I would also feel very comfortable with any sexual-orientation.

Sorry for the confusion,

 

Yes, this statement hit me wrong too. Are we reading it as you intended it ? I myself am female, heterosexual, and only feel comfortable seeing female therapists. I always felt too shy around men who are older than me. I tried a male therapist and could barely speak at all.

 

 

Except if you are a homosexual, you'd want a opposite sex therapist.

Russel, that is a very bizarre and unscientific statement. Are you a homophobe?Maybe what you mean to say is, " Because I am uncertain and uncomfortable about my own sexuality, I will only work with an opposite sex therapist. "

I am a man and I have requested male therapists and psychiatrists for past forty years. And I am not gay--not that that actually has anything to do with anything. Now I am moving half a continent away to Colorado and I just arranged for an ACT therapist through email. I picked a woman this time because I liked her answers to my questions.

Bud Polk

[Guest guest]

I'd have to look up what different governing bodies say on the subject, but my understanding as a Marriage and Family Therapist (not APA, AAMFT is my professional group) is that the same thing would apply to a friendship.  On the other hand, I certainly would be warm and friendly upon seeing a former client if they came up to me.   I'd follow their lead, but I'd want to hear how things are for them, etc.  I have colleagues who have even joined a former client for a cup of coffee but would not pursue seeing them past that point.  Others, however would suggest a session if the client wanted more connection than this (again, it is the therapist's responsibility to hold the boundary.)  Perhaps  I wasn't clear, but this in no way indicates the need for a therapist to behave coldly to a past client -- that would seem strange and not helpful or kind. Re: Ed's therapist, she is an intern, and therefore fairly new.  She would therefore be less likely to feel comfortable navigating the subtleties of relating to a past client.  I guess I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt -- I don't entirely get her response to Ed smiling at her, the fact that she didn't smile back is a bit confusing.  The only thing I can figure is that she was caught off guard at seeing him, and was herself unsure of how to respond.  I certainly understand how painful that experience must have been.  I know if I saw an ex-therapist and she didn't smile back at me or turned away I would feel very hurt.  However, given this intern's limited skills at communicating when she is feeling uncomfortable (as evidence from their interaction while seeing each other), I would think it was a better choice to work out my feelings about it with another therapist.  I could always choose to contact the ex-therapist at a later time when some of the (understandable) high emotion was worked through.  I just think this would have a better shot at being satisfying and helpful.

Best,Barbara

 

I was interested to read these suggestions (rules?) concerning ethics and think they sound helpful. Are they APA guidelines? Rules and guidelines may vary in other countires though. The following British Psychological Society guidelines apply to clinical psychologists in the UK:

2.1.3.4 Psychologists must not enter into a

sexual relationship with former clients for at

least two years after discharge and the ending

of services. Even after this period, the burden

of demonstrating non-exploitation remains,

and the psychologist must consider the

following:

the amount of time that has passed since

ending therapy;

the nature of treatment;

the circumstances of ending;

the client’s personal history;

the client’s current mental status;

the likelihood of adverse impact on the

client and others;

any statement or actions made by the

psychologists during the course of therapy

suggesting or inviting the possibility of

post-treatment sexual or romantic

relationship.

The same careful consideration must be

applied in relation to all other forms of

potential personal contact between client and

psychologist, including those with other family

members of the client.

 

I'm not suggesting that the rules you describe are better or worse, of course, Barbara, though I think I would want to define " friend " which to me can mean a whole range of things. I would not phone my ex-therapist for a friendly chat but I am sure he would stop and ask me how I am if I met him in the street ie be friendly. This has in fact happened. Actually I think he would see it as a successful outcome if I approached him to chat as it would show that I have managed to beat my social anxiety and act quite naturally when seeing him (or anyone else!)

 

And to Ed I would suggest that the therapist appears anxious about contact with you and this may well be related to ethical guidelines. I doubt whether it means anything much about you. I so understand how this seems to have unnerved you though.

 

My other posts don't seem to have come through - maybe held up by the snow here? So apologies if I seem to repeat myself later!

 

S.

10

Subject: Re: Re: not sure if I should find a new therapist

To: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Friday, 3 December, 2010, 12:22

 

Hi --I'd like to mention a couple things.First of all, ethically, the same rules of confidentiality apply whether someone is a current or past client (ie.the therapist must not disclose any information about the therapy, or indeed that there even is/was a therapeutic relationship).  And the reason a therapist leaves it up to a client (or or past client) to come over to them in public is maintain the client's confidentiality.  For example, suppose a client was out in public with other people and the therapist/ex-therapist came over. If their friends ask " how do you know each other? " it puts the client in a position of of either disclosing the fact of the therapy (which they may not want to do) or lying or being evasive. 

The second thing thing is, ethically, a therapist is not supposed to be friends with a client after therapy is finished (the same thing goes for romantic relationships with clients).  This

is for the good of the client.  This isn't to say that this never happens, but it could result in the licensing board taking action against the therapist.  There are a few reasons for this 'rule' but the most important one in my opinion is because it is up to the therapist to hold healthy boundaries.  The therapeutic relationship is not an equal relationship in many ways.  It is about the therapist taking care of the client (or it should be.)  The therapist tends to be in a position of power (they know a lot about the client, the client knows little about them.)  This is not in itself a bad thing -- it is appropriate for a therapist to focus on the client and not make sessions about themselves.  But were the therapist to try to have a relationship out of/post therapy, this inequality would be an abuse of the power in the relationship.  Now this may not be a particular issue to you, but many people have been hurt

in their lives because people who should have maintained boundaries, (ie. people in a power position) haven't.  This can range from a parent making a child the caretaker in the relationship to sexual abuse.  Both are abuses of power, both of them have to do with a lack of appropriate boundaries. 

Okay, this may be more than you are interested, and is just my take on the situation.  I hope it clarifies some things for you.  Ending a therapeutic relationship can be very challenging and upsetting.  From my perspective, the very real issues and feelings of the termination of therapy, as well as your feelings about your ex-therapist would best be served by talking it through with another therapist (or using ACT principles to just sit with the feelings, notice them, etc.).  You could contact your ex-therapist for a session to discuss your experience, but from what you disclosed about her, she doesn't seem all that

comfortable dealing with the complex feelings that come up in therapy.  Of course, I view this as a shortcoming in a therapist, but we're talking about the best way to get YOUR needs met, and so I personally wouldn't want to go to an empty well. 

I hope this has been helpful -- take it for what it's worth.Best,Barbara W. 

-- Barbara White, MFTMarriage and Family Therapistbarbarawhitetherapy.com

[Guest guest]

act_ed,I've enjoyed this thread, thanks.  I certainly feel for you.  I know this all may be emotionally painful for you.  My impressions have changed somewhat since when I first started following this conversation.  Now, I think it's important for you to try to not run into your ex-therapist.  For you and also for her.  It seems that she is not comfortable - whether just not interested in any kind of romance or friendship or just uncomfortable for other reasons - it seems she is not comfortable running into you

And also for you in long run, it's better to not run into her or try to make contact and instead " sit with pain " for a while.  I think in the long run that will be less painful for you and much better for you.   In 6 months or in a year or so, you may have a completely different view of this.  For now, give it time and break away for a while and let is just sit for a while.

 

Thanks S, that is also very helpful food for thought. I must admit, it will seem very odd to me if I am unable to be at least friendly/normal with her in some way. It was fine the last time I approached her in public (when she was still my therapist) so maybe I'll try that again, or maybe not. I suppose I'll see how I feel in the moment and if it feels right and so on. I think you make a good point though, she probably doesn't feel entirely comfortable, and maybe she's not really sure how she should act. I should keep that in mind. And thanks for the vote of confidence, I certainly hope it's nothing personal against me!

It's nice to hear that you've had such positive and normal interactions with an ex-therapist. This is how I imagine it could be. I definitely understand the boundaries and why they're there. I guess I just think things should have the opportunity to change and move forward after therapy, if both people are agreeable to the idea. As I see it, the therapist doesn't necessarily need to remain in a position of power etc. and that the two people can learn to interact in a more normalized way. In fact I think perhaps that the therapist shouldn't remain in that role unless it has been left open-ended (where a client may feel encouraged to make an appt. in future if needed.) Obviously this needn't extend to any kind of romantic relationship but, Wouldn't a change to something more normal be better for both people in a way?

I like that you looked into rules in different places. I know that the range treatment options is different in Germany, for example, for therapists, so it makes sense that different cultures would have different attitudes regarding this sort of thing. Definitely worth considering.

>

>

>

> Subject: Re: Re: not sure if I should find a new therapist

> To: ACT_for_the_Public

> Date: Friday, 3 December, 2010, 12:22

>

>

>  

>

>

>

> Hi --

>

> I'd like to mention a couple things.

>

> First of all, ethically, the same rules of confidentiality apply whether someone is a current or past client (ie.the therapist must not disclose any information about the therapy, or indeed that there even is/was a therapeutic relationship).  And the reason a therapist leaves it up to a client (or or past client) to come over to them in public is maintain the client's confidentiality.  For example, suppose a client was out in public with other people and the therapist/ex-therapist came over. If their friends ask " how do you know each other? " it puts the client in a position of of either disclosing the fact of the therapy (which they may not want to do) or lying or being evasive. 

>

> The second thing thing is, ethically, a therapist is not supposed to be friends with a client after therapy is finished (the same thing goes for romantic relationships with clients).  This is for the good of the client.  This isn't to say that this never happens, but it could result in the licensing board taking action against the therapist.  There are a few reasons for this 'rule' but the most important one in my opinion is because it is up to the therapist to hold healthy boundaries.  The therapeutic relationship is not an equal relationship in many ways.  It is about the therapist taking care of the client (or it should be.)  The therapist tends to be in a position of power (they know a lot about the client, the client knows little about them.)  This is not in itself a bad thing -- it is appropriate for a therapist to focus on the client and not make sessions about themselves.  But were the therapist to try to have a relationship out of/post

> therapy, this inequality would be an abuse of the power in the relationship.  Now this may not be a particular issue to you, but many people have been hurt in their lives because people who should have maintained boundaries, (ie. people in a power position) haven't.  This can range from a parent making a child the caretaker in the relationship to sexual abuse.  Both are abuses of power, both of them have to do with a lack of appropriate boundaries. 

>

> Okay, this may be more than you are interested, and is just my take on the situation.  I hope it clarifies some things for you.  Ending a therapeutic relationship can be very challenging and upsetting.  From my perspective, the very real issues and feelings of the termination of therapy, as well as your feelings about your ex-therapist would best be served by talking it through with another therapist (or using ACT principles to just sit with the feelings, notice them, etc.).  You could contact your ex-therapist for a session to discuss your experience, but from what you disclosed about her, she doesn't seem all that comfortable dealing with the complex feelings that come up in therapy.  Of course, I view this as a shortcoming in a therapist, but we're talking about the best way to get YOUR needs met, and so I personally wouldn't want to go to an empty well. 

>

> I hope this has been helpful -- take it for what it's worth.

>

> Best,

> Barbara W. 

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks again Barbara, that is helpful insight and also helps to validate my

feelings about the run-in. It's good to know that others might feel similarly if

they had the same thing happen. Much appreciated again.

> >

> >

> >

> > Subject: Re: Re: not sure if I should find a new

> > therapist

> > To: ACT_for_the_Public

> > Date: Friday, 3 December, 2010, 12:22

> >

> >

> >

> > Hi --

> >

> > I'd like to mention a couple things.

> >

> > First of all, ethically, the same rules of confidentiality apply whether

> > someone is a current or past client (ie.the therapist must not disclose any

> > information about the therapy, or indeed that there even is/was a

> > therapeutic relationship). And the reason a therapist leaves it up to a

> > client (or or past client) to come over to them in public is maintain the

> > client's confidentiality. For example, suppose a client was out in public

> > with other people and the therapist/ex-therapist came over. If their friends

> > ask " how do you know each other? " it puts the client in a position of of

> > either disclosing the fact of the therapy (which they may not want to do) or

> > lying or being evasive.

> >

> > The second thing thing is, ethically, a therapist is not supposed to be

> > friends with a client after therapy is finished (the same thing goes for

> > romantic relationships with clients). This is for the good of the client.

> > This isn't to say that this never happens, but it could result in the

> > licensing board taking action against the therapist. There are a few

> > reasons for this 'rule' but the most important one in my opinion is because

> > it is up to the therapist to hold healthy boundaries. The therapeutic

> > relationship is not an equal relationship in many ways. It is about the

> > therapist taking care of the client (or it should be.) The therapist tends

> > to be in a position of power (they know a lot about the client, the client

> > knows little about them.) This is not in itself a bad thing -- it is

> > appropriate for a therapist to focus on the client and not make sessions

> > about themselves. But were the therapist to try to have a relationship out

> > of/post therapy, this inequality would be an abuse of the power in the

> > relationship. Now this may not be a particular issue to you, but many

> > people have been hurt in their lives because people who should have

> > maintained boundaries, (ie. people in a power position) haven't. This can

> > range from a parent making a child the caretaker in the relationship to

> > sexual abuse. Both are abuses of power, both of them have to do with a lack

> > of appropriate boundaries.

> >

> > Okay, this may be more than you are interested, and is just my take on the

> > situation. I hope it clarifies some things for you. Ending a therapeutic

> > relationship can be very challenging and upsetting. From my perspective,

> > the very real issues and feelings of the termination of therapy, as well as

> > your feelings about your ex-therapist would best be served by talking it

> > through with another therapist (or using ACT principles to just sit with the

> > feelings, notice them, etc.). You could contact your ex-therapist for a

> > session to discuss your experience, but from what you disclosed about her,

> > she doesn't seem all that comfortable dealing with the complex feelings that

> > come up in therapy. Of course, I view this as a shortcoming in a therapist,

> > but we're talking about the best way to get YOUR needs met, and so I

> > personally wouldn't want to go to an empty well.

> >

> > I hope this has been helpful -- take it for what it's worth.

> >

> > Best,

> > Barbara W.

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

> --

> Barbara White, MFT

> Marriage and Family Therapist

>

> barbarawhitetherapy.com

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks , I see what you're saying. I don't know about avoiding her, so to

speak, as I don't want to feel like I can't go places I normally would go,

especially since I might meet friends out and such. I would hate to enter into

some kind of experiential avoidance as it were. But I do think you're right

about my needing time, and I'm sure she probably does too. Perhaps it was just

too soon and the emotions too raw. I definitely think I should not look for

opportunities to run into her or anything like that, and if I see that she's at

a place and I have the option to go elsewhere, perhaps I should for a time. But

again, I don't want to end up being a hermit or avoid places and people I love

because of this, and I definitely wouldn't want her to either, that would make

me very sad.

> > >

> > >

> > > From: Barbara White <bwhite2000@>

> >

> > > Subject: Re: Re: not sure if I should find a new

> > therapist

> > > To:

ACT_for_the_Public <ACT_for_the_Public%40yahoogroups.com>

> > > Date: Friday, 3 December, 2010, 12:22

> > >

> > >

> > > Â

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > Hi --

> > >

> > > I'd like to mention a couple things.

> > >

> > > First of all, ethically, the same rules of confidentiality apply whether

> > someone is a current or past client (ie.the therapist must not disclose any

> > information about the therapy, or indeed that there even is/was a

> > therapeutic relationship). And the reason a therapist leaves it up to a

> > client (or or past client) to come over to them in public is maintain the

> > client's confidentiality. For example, suppose a client was out in public

> > with other people and the therapist/ex-therapist came over. If their friends

> > ask " how do you know each other? " it puts the client in a position of of

> > either disclosing the fact of the therapy (which they may not want to do) or

> > lying or being evasive.Â

> > >

> > > The second thing thing is, ethically, a therapist is not supposed to be

> > friends with a client after therapy is finished (the same thing goes for

> > romantic relationships with clients). This is for the good of the

> > client. This isn't to say that this never happens, but it could result in

> > the licensing board taking action against the therapist. There are a few

> > reasons for this 'rule' but the most important one in my opinion is because

> > it is up to the therapist to hold healthy boundaries. The therapeutic

> > relationship is not an equal relationship in many ways. It is about the

> > therapist taking care of the client (or it should be.)Â The therapist tends

> > to be in a position of power (they know a lot about the client, the client

> > knows little about them.)Â This is not in itself a bad thing -- it is

> > appropriate for a therapist to focus on the client and not make sessions

> > about themselves. But were the therapist to try to have a relationship out

> > of/post

> > > therapy, this inequality would be an abuse of the power in the

> > relationship. Now this may not be a particular issue to you, but many

> > people have been hurt in their lives because people who should have

> > maintained boundaries, (ie. people in a power position) haven't. This can

> > range from a parent making a child the caretaker in the relationship to

> > sexual abuse. Both are abuses of power, both of them have to do with a

> > lack of appropriate boundaries.Â

> > >

> > > Okay, this may be more than you are interested, and is just my take on

> > the situation. I hope it clarifies some things for you. Ending a

> > therapeutic relationship can be very challenging and upsetting. From my

> > perspective, the very real issues and feelings of the termination of

> > therapy, as well as your feelings about your ex-therapist would best be

> > served by talking it through with another therapist (or using ACT principles

> > to just sit with the feelings, notice them, etc.). You could contact your

> > ex-therapist for a session to discuss your experience, but from what you

> > disclosed about her, she doesn't seem all that comfortable dealing with the

> > complex feelings that come up in therapy. Of course, I view this as a

> > shortcoming in a therapist, but we're talking about the best way to get YOUR

> > needs met, and so I personally wouldn't want to go to an empty well.Â

> > >

> > > I hope this has been helpful -- take it for what it's worth.

> > >

> > > Best,

> > > Barbara W.Â

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>