Guest guest Posted November 26, 2011 Report Share Posted November 26, 2011 For my aspie husband using "I statements" usually wont get the job done. Its too subtle for him I guess. I can say "I need a hug" and he will say ok then walk away. Later the same day he will say "When did you want a hug? I have tried saying "I need_______(fill in the blank) and I need it at this time". He usually doesn't do whatever it is at that time then later on will say "Did you still want me to do that thing or I forgot why didnt you remind me?" I have found that with my aspie at least, its best to just tell him flat out what I want/need and then if it doesnt get done to just move on. breezy To: aspires-relationships Sent: Saturday, November 26, 2011 3:10 PMSubject: Re: Asking for affectionWhat I would say that is a bit less loaded was "I'm feeling a bit sad right now … I need a hug." Then my ex could either give the hug, some other expression of understanding, or say "not right now, but soon."As I've said before, one of the critical communication tips for speaking to an Aspie is to use "I statements":I need a hug not Give me a hugI want you in the kitchen while I work not you never keep me companyI don't feel like doing that not uh, I guess so, if you really want toThink of Aspie communication as a series of typewritten notes -- if the meaning isn't clear in print, it won't get through. A person with AS can (sometimes) learn to read some nonverbal communication, about as easily as you can learn Arabic (or Mandarin, or Swahili, pick the one hardest for you).This is as much a problem in AS-AS relationships as AS-NT ones, by the way … or worse.--Liz----------Cartesian Bear at Zazzle: Shirts and Gifts: http://www.zazzle.com/cartesianbear?rf=238831668488066559 Zazzle Coupons: http://www.zazzle.com/coupons?rf=238831668488066559 Knit Suite: Mobile Apps for Knitters http://knitsuite.polymathsolution.comGifts for Knitters: http://www.squidoo.com/gifts-for-knitters------------------------------------ "We each have our own way of living in the world, together we are like a symphony.Some are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony It all blends together, we are like a symphony, and each part is crucial.We all contribute to the song of life." ...Sondra We might not always agree; but TOGETHER we will make a difference.ASPIRES is a closed, confidential, moderated list.Responsibility for posts to ASPIRES lies entirely with the original author. Do NOT post mail off-list without the author's permission. When in doubt, please refer to our list rules at: http://www.aspires-relationships.com/info_rules.htm ASPIRES ~ Climbing the mountain TOGETHER http://www.aspires-relationships.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 26, 2011 Report Share Posted November 26, 2011 Instead of just saying "I need a hug" (which doesn't really specify _when_ you want it), try saying "I need you to give me a hug, right now!" (that let's him know that _he_ should provide it, and not eventually, but in the current moment). Sometimes you have to be explicitly specific with us Aspies, or we just go right on past the fact that now and not eventually is when we should produce that hug (or whatever else is being asked for). ~ "Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."--Albert Camus Sent from my VZW BlackBerrySender: aspires-relationships Date: Sat, 26 Nov 2011 14:37:25 -0800 (PST)To: aspires-relationships <aspires-relationships >ReplyTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Re: Asking for affection For my aspie husband using "I statements" usually wont get the job done. Its too subtle for him I guess. I can say "I need a hug" and he will say ok then walk away. Later the same day he will say "When did you want a hug? I have tried saying "I need_______(fill in the blank) and I need it at this time". He usually doesn't do whatever it is at that time then later on will say "Did you still want me to do that thing or I forgot why didnt you remind me?" I have found that with my aspie at least, its best to just tell him flat out what I want/need and then if it doesnt get done to just move on.breezy To: aspires-relationships Sent: Saturday, November 26, 2011 3:10 PMSubject: Re: Asking for affectionWhat I would say that is a bit less loaded was "I'm feeling a bit sad right now … I need a hug." Then my ex could either give the hug, some other expression of understanding, or say "not right now, but soon."As I've said before, one of thecritical communication tips for speaking to an Aspie is to use "I statements":I need a hug not Give me a hugI want you in the kitchen while I work not you never keep me companyI don't feel like doing that not uh, I guess so, if you really want toThink of Aspie communication as a series of typewritten notes -- if the meaning isn't clear in print, it won't get through. A person with AS can (sometimes) learn to read some nonverbal communication, about as easily as you can learn Arabic (or Mandarin, or Swahili, pick the one hardest for you).This is as much a problem in AS-AS relationships as AS-NT ones, by the way … or worse.--Liz----------Cartesian Bear at Zazzle: Shirts and Gifts: http://www.zazzle.com/cartesianbear?rf=238831668488066559 Zazzle Coupons: http://www.zazzle.com/coupons?rf=238831668488066559 Knit Suite: Mobile Apps for Knitters http://knitsuite.polymathsolution.comGifts for Knitters: http://www.squidoo.com/gifts-for-knitters------------------------------------ "We each have our own way of living in the world, together we are like a symphony.Some are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony It all blends together, we are like a symphony, and each part is crucial.We all contribute to the song of life." ...Sondra We might not always agree; but TOGETHER we will make a difference.ASPIRES is a closed, confidential, moderated list.Responsibility for posts to ASPIRES lies entirely with the original author. Do NOT post mail off-list without the author's permission. When in doubt, please refer to our list rules at: http://www.aspires-relationships.com/info_rules.htm ASPIRES ~ Climbing the mountain TOGETHER http://www.aspires-relationships.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 26, 2011 Report Share Posted November 26, 2011 Instead of just saying "I need a hug" (which doesn't really specify _when_ you want it), try saying "I need you to give me a hug, right now!" (that let's him know that _he_ should provide it, and not eventually, but in the current moment). Sometimes you have to be explicitly specific with us Aspies, or we just go right on past the fact that now and not eventually is when we should produce that hug (or whatever else is being asked for). ~ "Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."--Albert Camus Sent from my VZW BlackBerrySender: aspires-relationships Date: Sat, 26 Nov 2011 14:37:25 -0800 (PST)To: aspires-relationships <aspires-relationships >ReplyTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Re: Asking for affection For my aspie husband using "I statements" usually wont get the job done. Its too subtle for him I guess. I can say "I need a hug" and he will say ok then walk away. Later the same day he will say "When did you want a hug? I have tried saying "I need_______(fill in the blank) and I need it at this time". He usually doesn't do whatever it is at that time then later on will say "Did you still want me to do that thing or I forgot why didnt you remind me?" I have found that with my aspie at least, its best to just tell him flat out what I want/need and then if it doesnt get done to just move on.breezy To: aspires-relationships Sent: Saturday, November 26, 2011 3:10 PMSubject: Re: Asking for affectionWhat I would say that is a bit less loaded was "I'm feeling a bit sad right now … I need a hug." Then my ex could either give the hug, some other expression of understanding, or say "not right now, but soon."As I've said before, one of thecritical communication tips for speaking to an Aspie is to use "I statements":I need a hug not Give me a hugI want you in the kitchen while I work not you never keep me companyI don't feel like doing that not uh, I guess so, if you really want toThink of Aspie communication as a series of typewritten notes -- if the meaning isn't clear in print, it won't get through. A person with AS can (sometimes) learn to read some nonverbal communication, about as easily as you can learn Arabic (or Mandarin, or Swahili, pick the one hardest for you).This is as much a problem in AS-AS relationships as AS-NT ones, by the way … or worse.--Liz----------Cartesian Bear at Zazzle: Shirts and Gifts: http://www.zazzle.com/cartesianbear?rf=238831668488066559 Zazzle Coupons: http://www.zazzle.com/coupons?rf=238831668488066559 Knit Suite: Mobile Apps for Knitters http://knitsuite.polymathsolution.comGifts for Knitters: http://www.squidoo.com/gifts-for-knitters------------------------------------ "We each have our own way of living in the world, together we are like a symphony.Some are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony It all blends together, we are like a symphony, and each part is crucial.We all contribute to the song of life." ...Sondra We might not always agree; but TOGETHER we will make a difference.ASPIRES is a closed, confidential, moderated list.Responsibility for posts to ASPIRES lies entirely with the original author. Do NOT post mail off-list without the author's permission. When in doubt, please refer to our list rules at: http://www.aspires-relationships.com/info_rules.htm ASPIRES ~ Climbing the mountain TOGETHER http://www.aspires-relationships.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 26, 2011 Report Share Posted November 26, 2011 I ask him to do something for me and give specifics and it often wont get done still. I think for my aspie at least that if it isnt relevant to him at that moment or if it is not as important to him as whatever else has his attention at that moment it simply isnt going to happen. I have said I need a hug now and still had him walk away because it really didnt sink in what I said. The best image I can give for this is: If you see my words as water sometimes he is waterproof and they run right off him other times he soaks up my words like a sponge. For him its all about timing and whatever timing I have has to meet whatever timing he has or it isnt going to happen To: AspiresRelationships <aspires-relationships > Sent: Saturday, November 26, 2011 4:24 PMSubject: Re: Asking for affection Instead of just saying "I need a hug" (which doesn't really specify _when_ you want it), try saying "I need you to give me a hug, right now!" (that let's him know that _he_ should provide it, and not eventually, but in the current moment). Sometimes you have to be explicitly specific with us Aspies, or we just go right on past the fact that now and not eventually is when we should produce that hug (or whatever else is being asked for). ~"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."--Albert Camus Sent from my VZW BlackBerry Sender: aspires-relationships Date: Sat, 26 Nov 2011 14:37:25 -0800 (PST) To: aspires-relationships <aspires-relationships > ReplyTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Re: Asking for affection For my aspie husband using "I statements" usually wont get the job done. Its too subtle for him I guess. I can say "I need a hug" and he will say ok then walk away. Later the same day he will say "When did you want a hug? I have tried saying "I need_______(fill in the blank) and I need it at this time". He usually doesn't do whatever it is at that time then later on will say "Did you still want me to do that thing or I forgot why didnt you remind me?" I have found that with my aspie at least, its best to just tell him flat out what I want/need and then if it doesnt get done to just move on. breezy To: aspires-relationships Sent: Saturday, November 26, 2011 3:10 PMSubject: Re: Asking for affectionWhat I would say that is a bit less loaded was "I'm feeling a bit sad right now … I need a hug." Then my ex could either give the hug, some other expression of understanding, or say "not right now, but soon."As I've said before, one of the critical communication tips for speaking to an Aspie is to use "I statements":I need a hug not Give me a hugI want you in the kitchen while I work not you never keep me companyI don't feel like doing that not uh, I guess so, if you really want toThink of Aspie communication as a series of typewritten notes -- if the meaning isn't clear in print, it won't get through. A person with AS can (sometimes) learn to read some nonverbal communication, about as easily as you can learn Arabic (or Mandarin, or Swahili, pick the one hardest for you).This is as much a problem in AS-AS relationships as AS-NT ones, by the way … or worse.--Liz----------Cartesian Bear at Zazzle: Shirts and Gifts: http://www.zazzle.com/cartesianbear?rf=238831668488066559 Zazzle Coupons: http://www.zazzle.com/coupons?rf=238831668488066559 Knit Suite: Mobile Apps for Knitters http://knitsuite.polymathsolution.comGifts for Knitters: http://www.squidoo.com/gifts-for-knitters------------------------------------ "We each have our own way of living in the world, together we are like a symphony.Some are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony It all blends together, we are like a symphony, and each part is crucial.We all contribute to the song of life." ...Sondra We might not always agree; but TOGETHER we will make a difference.ASPIRES is a closed, confidential, moderated list.Responsibility for posts to ASPIRES lies entirely with the original author. Do NOT post mail off-list without the author's permission. When in doubt, please refer to our list rules at: http://www.aspires-relationships.com/info_rules.htm ASPIRES ~ Climbing the mountain TOGETHER http://www.aspires-relationships.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 26, 2011 Report Share Posted November 26, 2011 I ask him to do something for me and give specifics and it often wont get done still. I think for my aspie at least that if it isnt relevant to him at that moment or if it is not as important to him as whatever else has his attention at that moment it simply isnt going to happen. I have said I need a hug now and still had him walk away because it really didnt sink in what I said. The best image I can give for this is: If you see my words as water sometimes he is waterproof and they run right off him other times he soaks up my words like a sponge. For him its all about timing and whatever timing I have has to meet whatever timing he has or it isnt going to happen To: AspiresRelationships <aspires-relationships > Sent: Saturday, November 26, 2011 4:24 PMSubject: Re: Asking for affection Instead of just saying "I need a hug" (which doesn't really specify _when_ you want it), try saying "I need you to give me a hug, right now!" (that let's him know that _he_ should provide it, and not eventually, but in the current moment). Sometimes you have to be explicitly specific with us Aspies, or we just go right on past the fact that now and not eventually is when we should produce that hug (or whatever else is being asked for). ~"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."--Albert Camus Sent from my VZW BlackBerry Sender: aspires-relationships Date: Sat, 26 Nov 2011 14:37:25 -0800 (PST) To: aspires-relationships <aspires-relationships > ReplyTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Re: Asking for affection For my aspie husband using "I statements" usually wont get the job done. Its too subtle for him I guess. I can say "I need a hug" and he will say ok then walk away. Later the same day he will say "When did you want a hug? I have tried saying "I need_______(fill in the blank) and I need it at this time". He usually doesn't do whatever it is at that time then later on will say "Did you still want me to do that thing or I forgot why didnt you remind me?" I have found that with my aspie at least, its best to just tell him flat out what I want/need and then if it doesnt get done to just move on. breezy To: aspires-relationships Sent: Saturday, November 26, 2011 3:10 PMSubject: Re: Asking for affectionWhat I would say that is a bit less loaded was "I'm feeling a bit sad right now … I need a hug." Then my ex could either give the hug, some other expression of understanding, or say "not right now, but soon."As I've said before, one of the critical communication tips for speaking to an Aspie is to use "I statements":I need a hug not Give me a hugI want you in the kitchen while I work not you never keep me companyI don't feel like doing that not uh, I guess so, if you really want toThink of Aspie communication as a series of typewritten notes -- if the meaning isn't clear in print, it won't get through. A person with AS can (sometimes) learn to read some nonverbal communication, about as easily as you can learn Arabic (or Mandarin, or Swahili, pick the one hardest for you).This is as much a problem in AS-AS relationships as AS-NT ones, by the way … or worse.--Liz----------Cartesian Bear at Zazzle: Shirts and Gifts: http://www.zazzle.com/cartesianbear?rf=238831668488066559 Zazzle Coupons: http://www.zazzle.com/coupons?rf=238831668488066559 Knit Suite: Mobile Apps for Knitters http://knitsuite.polymathsolution.comGifts for Knitters: http://www.squidoo.com/gifts-for-knitters------------------------------------ "We each have our own way of living in the world, together we are like a symphony.Some are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony It all blends together, we are like a symphony, and each part is crucial.We all contribute to the song of life." ...Sondra We might not always agree; but TOGETHER we will make a difference.ASPIRES is a closed, confidential, moderated list.Responsibility for posts to ASPIRES lies entirely with the original author. Do NOT post mail off-list without the author's permission. When in doubt, please refer to our list rules at: http://www.aspires-relationships.com/info_rules.htm ASPIRES ~ Climbing the mountain TOGETHER http://www.aspires-relationships.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 26, 2011 Report Share Posted November 26, 2011 I ask him to do something for me and give specifics and it often wont get done still. I think for my aspie at least that if it isnt relevant to him at that moment or if it is not as important to him as whatever else has his attention at that moment it simply isnt going to happen. I have said I need a hug now and still had him walk away because it really didnt sink in what I said. The best image I can give for this is: If you see my words as water sometimes he is waterproof and they run right off him other times he soaks up my words like a sponge. For him its all about timing and whatever timing I have has to meet whatever timing he has or it isnt going to happen To: AspiresRelationships <aspires-relationships > Sent: Saturday, November 26, 2011 4:24 PMSubject: Re: Asking for affection Instead of just saying "I need a hug" (which doesn't really specify _when_ you want it), try saying "I need you to give me a hug, right now!" (that let's him know that _he_ should provide it, and not eventually, but in the current moment). Sometimes you have to be explicitly specific with us Aspies, or we just go right on past the fact that now and not eventually is when we should produce that hug (or whatever else is being asked for). ~"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."--Albert Camus Sent from my VZW BlackBerry Sender: aspires-relationships Date: Sat, 26 Nov 2011 14:37:25 -0800 (PST) To: aspires-relationships <aspires-relationships > ReplyTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Re: Asking for affection For my aspie husband using "I statements" usually wont get the job done. Its too subtle for him I guess. I can say "I need a hug" and he will say ok then walk away. Later the same day he will say "When did you want a hug? I have tried saying "I need_______(fill in the blank) and I need it at this time". He usually doesn't do whatever it is at that time then later on will say "Did you still want me to do that thing or I forgot why didnt you remind me?" I have found that with my aspie at least, its best to just tell him flat out what I want/need and then if it doesnt get done to just move on. breezy To: aspires-relationships Sent: Saturday, November 26, 2011 3:10 PMSubject: Re: Asking for affectionWhat I would say that is a bit less loaded was "I'm feeling a bit sad right now … I need a hug." Then my ex could either give the hug, some other expression of understanding, or say "not right now, but soon."As I've said before, one of the critical communication tips for speaking to an Aspie is to use "I statements":I need a hug not Give me a hugI want you in the kitchen while I work not you never keep me companyI don't feel like doing that not uh, I guess so, if you really want toThink of Aspie communication as a series of typewritten notes -- if the meaning isn't clear in print, it won't get through. A person with AS can (sometimes) learn to read some nonverbal communication, about as easily as you can learn Arabic (or Mandarin, or Swahili, pick the one hardest for you).This is as much a problem in AS-AS relationships as AS-NT ones, by the way … or worse.--Liz----------Cartesian Bear at Zazzle: Shirts and Gifts: http://www.zazzle.com/cartesianbear?rf=238831668488066559 Zazzle Coupons: http://www.zazzle.com/coupons?rf=238831668488066559 Knit Suite: Mobile Apps for Knitters http://knitsuite.polymathsolution.comGifts for Knitters: http://www.squidoo.com/gifts-for-knitters------------------------------------ "We each have our own way of living in the world, together we are like a symphony.Some are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony It all blends together, we are like a symphony, and each part is crucial.We all contribute to the song of life." ...Sondra We might not always agree; but TOGETHER we will make a difference.ASPIRES is a closed, confidential, moderated list.Responsibility for posts to ASPIRES lies entirely with the original author. Do NOT post mail off-list without the author's permission. When in doubt, please refer to our list rules at: http://www.aspires-relationships.com/info_rules.htm ASPIRES ~ Climbing the mountain TOGETHER http://www.aspires-relationships.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 27, 2011 Report Share Posted November 27, 2011 Liz, Breezy, and , Yes, but for me, it wouldn't only be a question of specifying that you wanted the hug *now* as opposed to some other time, the timing of the request and the atmosphere and other activities going on at the time would be critical too. What I'm saying is that giving a hug or any other form of affection for that matter has to come from the heart, and that heart can't just be turned on at a moment's notice. So a quick hug followed by trying to resume whatever I was in the middle of would quite often be too much of a distraction from the task in hand. Hugs and other heart issues need to be slowly wound up to get them going for me, so if you want a hug, then start being nice to me, tell me nice things, light the candles, play the music, serve the wine, and then off we go!! [grin] But do this when I'm not too busy right in the middle of something else. You know it's quite common for females to complain that men generally look on sex as nothing but a few minutes' gratification, whereas females need to build up to it with plenty of slow romantic prelude in order to experience satisfaction. Now reverse the roles and this is how hugs are with me. Timing has to be right, the atmosphere has to be right, and I have to be able to turn to giving it my full concentration and attention by switching everything else off. Can't just allocate 30 seconds to it and return to what I was doing before; not genuinely and convincingly, anyway, + . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 27, 2011 Report Share Posted November 27, 2011 The bold area in your post is almost exactly what I said about my husband. "For him its all about timing and whatever timing I have has to meet whatever timing he has or it isnt going to happen." (what I said) I do understand that about aspies and most of the time its fine really, but once in awhile it would be really nice if my aspie could acknowledge that, even if sometimes the timing wont be convienent for him , he could make an effort to give me what I need then. I do that kind of thing all the time for him. I make sure his world works for him and that takes far more effort and work and coordination than you can possibly believe and doing that often means I alter my needs/wants or whatever to accomodate him, so it seems only fair to expect that kind compromise in return occasionally. There has to be give and take in any relationship. breezy To: aspires-relationships Sent: Saturday, November 26, 2011 6:06 PMSubject: Re: Asking for affection Liz, Breezy, and ,Yes, but for me, it wouldn't only be a question of specifying that you wanted the hug *now* as opposed to some other time,the timing of the request and the atmosphere and other activities going on at the time would be critical too.What I'm saying is that giving a hug or any other form of affection for that matter has to come from the heart, and that heart can't just be turned on at a moment's notice.So a quick hug followed by trying to resume whatever I was in the middle of would quite often be too much of a distraction from the task in hand. Hugs and other heart issues need to be slowly wound up to get them going for me, so if you want a hug, then start being nice to me, tell me nice things, light the candles, play the music, serve the wine, and then off we go!! [grin] But do this when I'm not too busy right in the middle of something else.You know it's quite common for females to complain that men generally look on sex as nothing but a few minutes' gratification, whereas females need to build up to it with plenty of slow romantic prelude in order to experience satisfaction. Now reverse the roles and this is how hugs are with me. Timing has to be right, the atmosphere has to be right, and I have to be able to turn to giving it my full concentration and attention by switching everything else off. Can't just allocate 30 seconds to it and return to what I was doing before; not genuinely and convincingly, anyway,+ . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 27, 2011 Report Share Posted November 27, 2011 Hi Breezy,I too have made my best efforts to communicate specifically especially using I statements with my hubby but it doesn't always work which is something his psyc doesn't understand. I think what you were saying about timing applies to what was saying about Timing as well. It doesn't matter what I do or say to my hubby, many times he's just not in the right space or frame of mind to be able to listen to me. I really liked hearing john's perspective cause it gives me insight into my hubby's perspective. I have found that texting him & emailing or msn chat helps cause it'll be more likely that he gets stuff done or help out. And I don't get as hurt or disappointed cause it takes out the personal and emotional connection when it doesn't get done. If I write a list asking for a hug, when & where, he will usually do that but for myself, it doesn't mean as much to me cause I feel it was forced & planned, almost artificial. But who knows perhaps the more we do this the more experience he will gain, & he might get better at this hug game. Everyday I search for what could make me stronger or more confident and secure about myself like I was before. Recently it's been searching for nirvana and researching Buddhism. I feel like a lunatic and the only place to turn to is research trying to find tips on how to stay sane. One day I love him and he's the most charming sweet man, the next I'm contemplating divorce, or just running away because i cant believe what he's said to me. I feel tremendous guilt and shame over these feelings. And then I read asperger-related books, use its knowledge and tips which work sometimes but not always, but I feel like sh@* after for resenting him. Today he broke yet another phone & he's looking for another to buy cause he's used to that. But I'm angry because he breaks countless items during his tantrums/rage & I feel like I'm rewarding him for bad behavior. So finally I work up the courage & ask him to find a dirt cheap phone instead. And that turns into him throwing a fit listing off everything he does for me & everything I do wrong. I'm very hurt in the end & I don't get how he can be so careless with everything we own. I feel he thinks we are as rich as bill gates & we can replace everything he breaks. Aspire men please tell me what to do & how to be fair? Sent from my iPad I ask him to do something for me and give specifics and it often wont get done still. I think for my aspie at least that if it isnt relevant to him at that moment or if it is not as important to him as whatever else has his attention at that moment it simply isnt going to happen. I have said I need a hug now and still had him walk away because it really didnt sink in what I said. The best image I can give for this is: If you see my words as water sometimes he is waterproof and they run right off him other times he soaks up my words like a sponge. For him its all about timing and whatever timing I have has to meet whatever timing he has or it isnt going to happen To: AspiresRelationships <aspires-relationships > Sent: Saturday, November 26, 2011 4:24 PMSubject: Re: Asking for affection Instead of just saying "I need a hug" (which doesn't really specify _when_ you want it), try saying "I need you to give me a hug, right now!" (that let's him know that _he_ should provide it, and not eventually, but in the current moment). Sometimes you have to be explicitly specific with us Aspies, or we just go right on past the fact that now and not eventually is when we should produce that hug (or whatever else is being asked for). ~"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."--Albert Camus Sent from my VZW BlackBerry Sender: aspires-relationships Date: Sat, 26 Nov 2011 14:37:25 -0800 (PST) To: aspires-relationships <aspires-relationships > ReplyTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Re: Asking for affection For my aspie husband using "I statements" usually wont get the job done. Its too subtle for him I guess. I can say "I need a hug" and he will say ok then walk away. Later the same day he will say "When did you want a hug? I have tried saying "I need_______(fill in the blank) and I need it at this time". He usually doesn't do whatever it is at that time then later on will say "Did you still want me to do that thing or I forgot why didnt you remind me?" I have found that with my aspie at least, its best to just tell him flat out what I want/need and then if it doesnt get done to just move on. breezy To: aspires-relationships Sent: Saturday, November 26, 2011 3:10 PMSubject: Re: Asking for affectionWhat I would say that is a bit less loaded was "I'm feeling a bit sad right now … I need a hug." Then my ex could either give the hug, some other expression of understanding, or say "not right now, but soon."As I've said before, one of the critical communication tips for speaking to an Aspie is to use "I statements":I need a hug not Give me a hugI want you in the kitchen while I work not you never keep me companyI don't feel like doing that not uh, I guess so, if you really want toThink of Aspie communication as a series of typewritten notes -- if the meaning isn't clear in print, it won't get through. A person with AS can (sometimes) learn to read some nonverbal communication, about as easily as you can learn Arabic (or Mandarin, or Swahili, pick the one hardest for you).This is as much a problem in AS-AS relationships as AS-NT ones, by the way … or worse.--Liz----------Cartesian Bear at Zazzle: Shirts and Gifts: http://www.zazzle.com/cartesianbear?rf=238831668488066559 Zazzle Coupons: http://www.zazzle.com/coupons?rf=238831668488066559 Knit Suite: Mobile Apps for Knitters http://knitsuite.polymathsolution.comGifts for Knitters: http://www.squidoo.com/gifts-for-knitters------------------------------------ "We each have our own way of living in the world, together we are like a symphony.Some are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony It all blends together, we are like a symphony, and each part is crucial.We all contribute to the song of life." ...Sondra We might not always agree; but TOGETHER we will make a difference.ASPIRES is a closed, confidential, moderated list.Responsibility for posts to ASPIRES lies entirely with the original author. Do NOT post mail off-list without the author's permission. When in doubt, please refer to our list rules at: http://www.aspires-relationships.com/info_rules.htm ASPIRES ~ Climbing the mountain TOGETHER http://www.aspires-relationships.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 27, 2011 Report Share Posted November 27, 2011 Hi Breezy,I too have made my best efforts to communicate specifically especially using I statements with my hubby but it doesn't always work which is something his psyc doesn't understand. I think what you were saying about timing applies to what was saying about Timing as well. It doesn't matter what I do or say to my hubby, many times he's just not in the right space or frame of mind to be able to listen to me. I really liked hearing john's perspective cause it gives me insight into my hubby's perspective. I have found that texting him & emailing or msn chat helps cause it'll be more likely that he gets stuff done or help out. And I don't get as hurt or disappointed cause it takes out the personal and emotional connection when it doesn't get done. If I write a list asking for a hug, when & where, he will usually do that but for myself, it doesn't mean as much to me cause I feel it was forced & planned, almost artificial. But who knows perhaps the more we do this the more experience he will gain, & he might get better at this hug game. Everyday I search for what could make me stronger or more confident and secure about myself like I was before. Recently it's been searching for nirvana and researching Buddhism. I feel like a lunatic and the only place to turn to is research trying to find tips on how to stay sane. One day I love him and he's the most charming sweet man, the next I'm contemplating divorce, or just running away because i cant believe what he's said to me. I feel tremendous guilt and shame over these feelings. And then I read asperger-related books, use its knowledge and tips which work sometimes but not always, but I feel like sh@* after for resenting him. Today he broke yet another phone & he's looking for another to buy cause he's used to that. But I'm angry because he breaks countless items during his tantrums/rage & I feel like I'm rewarding him for bad behavior. So finally I work up the courage & ask him to find a dirt cheap phone instead. And that turns into him throwing a fit listing off everything he does for me & everything I do wrong. I'm very hurt in the end & I don't get how he can be so careless with everything we own. I feel he thinks we are as rich as bill gates & we can replace everything he breaks. Aspire men please tell me what to do & how to be fair? Sent from my iPad I ask him to do something for me and give specifics and it often wont get done still. I think for my aspie at least that if it isnt relevant to him at that moment or if it is not as important to him as whatever else has his attention at that moment it simply isnt going to happen. I have said I need a hug now and still had him walk away because it really didnt sink in what I said. The best image I can give for this is: If you see my words as water sometimes he is waterproof and they run right off him other times he soaks up my words like a sponge. For him its all about timing and whatever timing I have has to meet whatever timing he has or it isnt going to happen To: AspiresRelationships <aspires-relationships > Sent: Saturday, November 26, 2011 4:24 PMSubject: Re: Asking for affection Instead of just saying "I need a hug" (which doesn't really specify _when_ you want it), try saying "I need you to give me a hug, right now!" (that let's him know that _he_ should provide it, and not eventually, but in the current moment). Sometimes you have to be explicitly specific with us Aspies, or we just go right on past the fact that now and not eventually is when we should produce that hug (or whatever else is being asked for). ~"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."--Albert Camus Sent from my VZW BlackBerry Sender: aspires-relationships Date: Sat, 26 Nov 2011 14:37:25 -0800 (PST) To: aspires-relationships <aspires-relationships > ReplyTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Re: Asking for affection For my aspie husband using "I statements" usually wont get the job done. Its too subtle for him I guess. I can say "I need a hug" and he will say ok then walk away. Later the same day he will say "When did you want a hug? I have tried saying "I need_______(fill in the blank) and I need it at this time". He usually doesn't do whatever it is at that time then later on will say "Did you still want me to do that thing or I forgot why didnt you remind me?" I have found that with my aspie at least, its best to just tell him flat out what I want/need and then if it doesnt get done to just move on. breezy To: aspires-relationships Sent: Saturday, November 26, 2011 3:10 PMSubject: Re: Asking for affectionWhat I would say that is a bit less loaded was "I'm feeling a bit sad right now … I need a hug." Then my ex could either give the hug, some other expression of understanding, or say "not right now, but soon."As I've said before, one of the critical communication tips for speaking to an Aspie is to use "I statements":I need a hug not Give me a hugI want you in the kitchen while I work not you never keep me companyI don't feel like doing that not uh, I guess so, if you really want toThink of Aspie communication as a series of typewritten notes -- if the meaning isn't clear in print, it won't get through. A person with AS can (sometimes) learn to read some nonverbal communication, about as easily as you can learn Arabic (or Mandarin, or Swahili, pick the one hardest for you).This is as much a problem in AS-AS relationships as AS-NT ones, by the way … or worse.--Liz----------Cartesian Bear at Zazzle: Shirts and Gifts: http://www.zazzle.com/cartesianbear?rf=238831668488066559 Zazzle Coupons: http://www.zazzle.com/coupons?rf=238831668488066559 Knit Suite: Mobile Apps for Knitters http://knitsuite.polymathsolution.comGifts for Knitters: http://www.squidoo.com/gifts-for-knitters------------------------------------ "We each have our own way of living in the world, together we are like a symphony.Some are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony It all blends together, we are like a symphony, and each part is crucial.We all contribute to the song of life." ...Sondra We might not always agree; but TOGETHER we will make a difference.ASPIRES is a closed, confidential, moderated list.Responsibility for posts to ASPIRES lies entirely with the original author. Do NOT post mail off-list without the author's permission. When in doubt, please refer to our list rules at: http://www.aspires-relationships.com/info_rules.htm ASPIRES ~ Climbing the mountain TOGETHER http://www.aspires-relationships.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 27, 2011 Report Share Posted November 27, 2011 Hi Breezy,I too have made my best efforts to communicate specifically especially using I statements with my hubby but it doesn't always work which is something his psyc doesn't understand. I think what you were saying about timing applies to what was saying about Timing as well. It doesn't matter what I do or say to my hubby, many times he's just not in the right space or frame of mind to be able to listen to me. I really liked hearing john's perspective cause it gives me insight into my hubby's perspective. I have found that texting him & emailing or msn chat helps cause it'll be more likely that he gets stuff done or help out. And I don't get as hurt or disappointed cause it takes out the personal and emotional connection when it doesn't get done. If I write a list asking for a hug, when & where, he will usually do that but for myself, it doesn't mean as much to me cause I feel it was forced & planned, almost artificial. But who knows perhaps the more we do this the more experience he will gain, & he might get better at this hug game. Everyday I search for what could make me stronger or more confident and secure about myself like I was before. Recently it's been searching for nirvana and researching Buddhism. I feel like a lunatic and the only place to turn to is research trying to find tips on how to stay sane. One day I love him and he's the most charming sweet man, the next I'm contemplating divorce, or just running away because i cant believe what he's said to me. I feel tremendous guilt and shame over these feelings. And then I read asperger-related books, use its knowledge and tips which work sometimes but not always, but I feel like sh@* after for resenting him. Today he broke yet another phone & he's looking for another to buy cause he's used to that. But I'm angry because he breaks countless items during his tantrums/rage & I feel like I'm rewarding him for bad behavior. So finally I work up the courage & ask him to find a dirt cheap phone instead. And that turns into him throwing a fit listing off everything he does for me & everything I do wrong. I'm very hurt in the end & I don't get how he can be so careless with everything we own. I feel he thinks we are as rich as bill gates & we can replace everything he breaks. Aspire men please tell me what to do & how to be fair? Sent from my iPad I ask him to do something for me and give specifics and it often wont get done still. I think for my aspie at least that if it isnt relevant to him at that moment or if it is not as important to him as whatever else has his attention at that moment it simply isnt going to happen. I have said I need a hug now and still had him walk away because it really didnt sink in what I said. The best image I can give for this is: If you see my words as water sometimes he is waterproof and they run right off him other times he soaks up my words like a sponge. For him its all about timing and whatever timing I have has to meet whatever timing he has or it isnt going to happen To: AspiresRelationships <aspires-relationships > Sent: Saturday, November 26, 2011 4:24 PMSubject: Re: Asking for affection Instead of just saying "I need a hug" (which doesn't really specify _when_ you want it), try saying "I need you to give me a hug, right now!" (that let's him know that _he_ should provide it, and not eventually, but in the current moment). Sometimes you have to be explicitly specific with us Aspies, or we just go right on past the fact that now and not eventually is when we should produce that hug (or whatever else is being asked for). ~"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."--Albert Camus Sent from my VZW BlackBerry Sender: aspires-relationships Date: Sat, 26 Nov 2011 14:37:25 -0800 (PST) To: aspires-relationships <aspires-relationships > ReplyTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Re: Asking for affection For my aspie husband using "I statements" usually wont get the job done. Its too subtle for him I guess. I can say "I need a hug" and he will say ok then walk away. Later the same day he will say "When did you want a hug? I have tried saying "I need_______(fill in the blank) and I need it at this time". He usually doesn't do whatever it is at that time then later on will say "Did you still want me to do that thing or I forgot why didnt you remind me?" I have found that with my aspie at least, its best to just tell him flat out what I want/need and then if it doesnt get done to just move on. breezy To: aspires-relationships Sent: Saturday, November 26, 2011 3:10 PMSubject: Re: Asking for affectionWhat I would say that is a bit less loaded was "I'm feeling a bit sad right now … I need a hug." Then my ex could either give the hug, some other expression of understanding, or say "not right now, but soon."As I've said before, one of the critical communication tips for speaking to an Aspie is to use "I statements":I need a hug not Give me a hugI want you in the kitchen while I work not you never keep me companyI don't feel like doing that not uh, I guess so, if you really want toThink of Aspie communication as a series of typewritten notes -- if the meaning isn't clear in print, it won't get through. A person with AS can (sometimes) learn to read some nonverbal communication, about as easily as you can learn Arabic (or Mandarin, or Swahili, pick the one hardest for you).This is as much a problem in AS-AS relationships as AS-NT ones, by the way … or worse.--Liz----------Cartesian Bear at Zazzle: Shirts and Gifts: http://www.zazzle.com/cartesianbear?rf=238831668488066559 Zazzle Coupons: http://www.zazzle.com/coupons?rf=238831668488066559 Knit Suite: Mobile Apps for Knitters http://knitsuite.polymathsolution.comGifts for Knitters: http://www.squidoo.com/gifts-for-knitters------------------------------------ "We each have our own way of living in the world, together we are like a symphony.Some are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony It all blends together, we are like a symphony, and each part is crucial.We all contribute to the song of life." ...Sondra We might not always agree; but TOGETHER we will make a difference.ASPIRES is a closed, confidential, moderated list.Responsibility for posts to ASPIRES lies entirely with the original author. Do NOT post mail off-list without the author's permission. When in doubt, please refer to our list rules at: http://www.aspires-relationships.com/info_rules.htm ASPIRES ~ Climbing the mountain TOGETHER http://www.aspires-relationships.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 27, 2011 Report Share Posted November 27, 2011 > There has to be give and take in any relationship. Absolutely right, and don't ever lose sight of that. From your post, it certainly sounds as if you're giving a lot more than you're taking, but it would be interesting to know how your Aspie balances that equation. There are probably some areas where he tries so hard and yet because of his issues, he achieves nothing. I would want to judge him by the effort he expends *trying* to give rather than by what he successfully manages to give. The two could be very different. .. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 27, 2011 Report Share Posted November 27, 2011 > There has to be give and take in any relationship. Absolutely right, and don't ever lose sight of that. From your post, it certainly sounds as if you're giving a lot more than you're taking, but it would be interesting to know how your Aspie balances that equation. There are probably some areas where he tries so hard and yet because of his issues, he achieves nothing. I would want to judge him by the effort he expends *trying* to give rather than by what he successfully manages to give. The two could be very different. .. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 27, 2011 Report Share Posted November 27, 2011 > There has to be give and take in any relationship. Absolutely right, and don't ever lose sight of that. From your post, it certainly sounds as if you're giving a lot more than you're taking, but it would be interesting to know how your Aspie balances that equation. There are probably some areas where he tries so hard and yet because of his issues, he achieves nothing. I would want to judge him by the effort he expends *trying* to give rather than by what he successfully manages to give. The two could be very different. .. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 28, 2011 Report Share Posted November 28, 2011 , I found your post quite profound and helpful so thank you! I am hoping I can pick your brain further on this topic. Since as you said you are prone to being pre-occupied with life's problems, how can your partner insinuate themselves into your life in such a way so as to not be a bother and so they are more likely to get the need they might presently have met? Also, how can you and your partner arrange to make sure that each is getting their fair share of the understanding, praise, appreciation and affection that you agree both need and should be getting. I ask because I too have found myself running on empty quite a bit of the time and I have also noticed that just as you have said, asking to get a hug usually does little to fill the emotional bucket. I have yet to find a way that communicates any emotional need I have which will not make feel as though he is somehow failing which of course makes everything worse. I have found that all of your posts have made a great deal of sense to me and I value your straightforward approach. So I am very much looking forward to hearing what you have to say as I am sure you will have some very useful tools I can put to work. Cheers, Deb * About NT spouses > > When an NT spouse writes about the Aspie he/she loves, I can feel the > collective Aspie blood pressure on the list rise. > ------------------------------------ " We each have our own way of living in the world, together we are like a symphony. Some are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony It all blends together, we are like a symphony, and each part is crucial. We all contribute to the song of life. " ...Sondra We might not always agree; but TOGETHER we will make a difference. ASPIRES is a closed, confidential, moderated list. Responsibility for posts to ASPIRES lies entirely with the original author. Do NOT post mail off-list without the author's permission. When in doubt, please refer to our list rules at: http://www.aspires-relationships.com/info_rules.htm ASPIRES ~ Climbing the mountain TOGETHER http://www.aspires-relationships.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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