Ups and downs

[Guest guest]

Hi Guys and Gals,

Right, not really sure where to start on this one, I want to ask advice, but

prob need to give the background.

Mentioned before been in a relationship for 9 yrs. I do love Jon a lot,

although things have been pretty rotten lately.

Jon is awaiting dx for AS, he's done various online tests, and is coming up in

the upper quartile of results, so it's looking like he certainly has traits.

The formal diagnosis will be a while from now, possibly 8 or more months, but

we're on the waiting list. Additionally he struggles with anxiety quite a lot.

He's very smart and capable, but he doesn't really see it and has a dreadfully

low self esteem.

Then there's me. Apparently I am NT. BUt to be honest, if you started at the

Autistic end of the spectrum, slid all the way through NT and somewhere out the

other end, you would find me. I have too many feelings, and connect VERY

strongly with others. I suffer depression and anxiety, due to childhood issues,

and quite possibly some biological factors. I am also dyslexic. I am pursuing

a diagnosis on the mental health as I suspect I am along the lines of Bipolar

type II, but waiting to see what the professionals say.

So, the problem is that we have a pattern which has emerged and amplified over

the years. We both recognise it, and can see it's really hurting us both, but

it's hard to know how to break free of it.

The pattern is that after a while of being ignored by Jon, in every way,

physically, even being acknowledged, I kick off, by getting really upset.

Because it genuinely upsets me, and I struggle with a horrible sense of

loneliness. So there's lots of tears, heartbreak and it motivates Jon to work

to be closer. He says it makes him feel closer to me, much more focussed and

committed to the relationship. He says it motivates him to work on the

relationship, which then we get a week or two of him trying to treat me like a

princess, then it fades. And then I try to deal with it, and so a month or so

after, again, my mental health gets unbearable and I get really upset again, and

we're back to the beginning of the cycle.

It's really upsetting for us both. And I do try to tell him clearly that I

don't want to be treated like a princess, but just acknowledged a bit more, to

have a bit more physical contact, and it just be gentle and consistent. I don't

expect him to bend over backwards for me. Also, when things start

fading/slipping, I do try to let him know that things are fading, and try to

encourage him to keep going I do this for a few weeks, but he slowly falls into

himself again. It's like he doesn't hear me or realise what I am saying, even

though I try to be fair and explicit. So then I sort of give up, resign myself

to it, and after a few weeks get upset, feeling trapped in the relationship,

unloved and so on. Also, I have found the pattern increasingly upsetting the

longer its gone on.

We've been racking our brains for ways to deal with it:

a: How can I communicate in a way that he will hear me, without getting to the

point where I am so distressed and upset, and he ends up getting upset too.

It's just too exhausting and darn unhealthy!

b: What can either of us do to help him to not get distracted by chores and

things. As he falls into himself, it's like he just focuses on chores and

routines and they sort of take him over. This is despite the fact that he has

said he really loves us being close and loving and all of that side of things.

I don't expect him to be perfect, we all need down time, we all need to be cared

for at times, or focus on other things, which is precisely why I don't want to

be treated like a princess, it's too intense, and I would rather less effort

spread over a long time! I guess it's how we move to a more regular and

consistent approach to how we interact, as at the moment, we're really hurting

eachother, and we've both acknowledged that it's really damaging me.

I have said that perhaps we're just too different, perhaps we should split and

find partners that are more in tune with each of us. HE has said he really

doesn't want it. I've even questioned whether he is getting off on me becoming

so distressed, if it makes him feel needed or something, and why he always feels

so much happier and focused after I have been really hurt and distressed.

Please do be aware that he's not consiously a bad person, or cruel in any way,

he's really well meaning, and he's quite concerned about the pattern, now we

have been able to recognise it, as he says he doesn't want to hurt me.

I just feel now, that unless we can get it solved over the next few months, or

at least make some headway, I will have to leave him to protect myself, as I

have just been going through the second, milder nervous breakdown in 2.5years.

Thankfully a lot of what I learned last time has helped me stop it from getting

as bad as last time, but I have had to take time off work, I don't know when I

will be able to return, and have acute anxiety reaction, meaning I have been

referred to the mental health team again, taking diazepam and sleeping tablets,

just to calm me down, as I go into a sort of hyper drive, which means I don't

really sleep and then I lose reality and get lots of suicidal feelings, even

worse than the low level ones I live with normally, although, please be aware, I

have never tried to kill myself and have absolutely no plans to do so, it's just

a flag showing how distressed I am.

Bloody hell, that was cheerful! Thanks for taking the time to read this, if you

got to the end!

Any insight or advice will be greatly appreciated.

Becky

[Guest guest]

Becky! The first thing I felt when reading your email was a frantic, out of breath STRESS. It came leaping out of the pages.

Jon will try to focus on your needs, but he may not be able to maintain that, as its not natural - he's doing it as a reaction to your desperation.

So, may I suggest a few things?

Dont look at each other as having 'roles and responsibilities'. You may have assumed 'his and hers' roles. That you have to be looked after, as the lady of the house. That he has to be the one to do the looking after.

Maybe he just cant do that very astutely. More to the point, maybe he doesnt notice the signs of when you DO have to be looked after a bit.

Compromise: dont ask him to do any looking after, unless its within his scope. He probably has a lot of things in his skills list, that he does for you, even down to opening the door for you and letting you go first, that kind of thing. He cant do anymore than he is capable of.

Its a hard lesson, but once you see what he can do naturally, without great big reminders, you will be able to thank him, be pleased, and then look at the gaps. Those gaps - they may be huge. So, where do you go?

It may be a case of diagnosis of your suspected Bipolar; looking for support groups and friends, and making yourself nurtered by those means; and, my dear, looking after yourself, loving yourself, treating yourself to nice things - it doesnt have to be much, perhaps a new lipstick, or sit down and look through a photo album of you having fun, perhaps as a child.

Dont rest the pursuit of all your happiness on him. He cant do it. He will try, and if he fails, you have gained nothing.

Enjoy him for the person you love, and what you like about him. But dont expect him to be the knight in shining armour. Its not just about the AS, its about any man who cant fulfil a need, you have to take what you get, and work with that. If you love him, its worth it. If you cant accept that, its time for a rethink.

But I feel that your needs are higher than he could offer anyway, and you deserve a much wider support net, one that includes people who empathise with you on a larger scale, as friend, likeminded person, compatriot, or colleague. That, we all need. We arent Adam and Eve, we dont live in couples, in isolation, from the rest of the world, if we can help it.

Your needs are manifold, so if you can step back from resting all that on Jon's shoulders, maybe he will actually respond better.

I wont say I can understand what you feel, only to say that I spent years getting over the anger of living with someone who could step over my prone body to get to his computer, and only noticed me if my same prone body tripped him accidentally. I have explained this to him, and he says he can only 'see' a certain amount about me, and acknowledge a little of what it might be like to live in an NT/AS pairing. He cannot mentally attach himself to my emotions, as he doesnt recognise them.

In your case, Jon sounds like he is trying hard, and indeed, so are you. So, the idea of disconnecting from the trying too hard, and relaxing by your seeking other support to overcome your loneliness, your fears, and you needs, would help a little? And you can still pursue the changes you need by paring it down to the basics, that Jon should offer affection, rather than full blown support.

I dont know if this helps at all, and you are not alone in the sense that I certainly had the same issues years ago; nothing has changed, except my own attitude to expecting Ian to be the perceptive one, or expecting him to give what he cant give.

My best wishes to you, seek that help, go see friends, have joy in seeing them, and step back from the 'other half' thinking; you are you, and he is him, two separate beings who interact. With love, I hope.

Judy B, in a flooding Scotland

Subject: Ups and downsTo: aspires-relationships Date: Wednesday, 10 August, 2011, 12:30

Hi Guys and Gals, Right, not really sure where to start on this one, I want to ask advice, but prob need to give the background.Mentioned before been in a relationship for 9 yrs. I do love Jon a lot, although things have been pretty rotten lately.Jon is awaiting dx for AS, he's done various online tests, and is coming up in the upper quartile of results, so it's looking like he certainly has traits. The formal diagnosis will be a while from now, possibly 8 or more months, but we're on the waiting list. Additionally he struggles with anxiety quite a lot. He's very smart and capable, but he doesn't really see it and has a dreadfully low self esteem.Then there's me. Apparently I am NT. BUt to be honest, if you started at the Autistic end of the spectrum, slid all the way through NT and somewhere out the other end, you would find me. I have too many feelings, and connect VERY strongly with others. I suffer depression and

anxiety, due to childhood issues, and quite possibly some biological factors. I am also dyslexic. I am pursuing a diagnosis on the mental health as I suspect I am along the lines of Bipolar type II, but waiting to see what the professionals say.So, the problem is that we have a pattern which has emerged and amplified over the years. We both recognise it, and can see it's really hurting us both, but it's hard to know how to break free of it.The pattern is that after a while of being ignored by Jon, in every way, physically, even being acknowledged, I kick off, by getting really upset. Because it genuinely upsets me, and I struggle with a horrible sense of loneliness. So there's lots of tears, heartbreak and it motivates Jon to work to be closer. He says it makes him feel closer to me, much more focussed and committed to the relationship. He says it motivates him to work on the relationship, which then we get a week or two of him trying to

treat me like a princess, then it fades. And then I try to deal with it, and so a month or so after, again, my mental health gets unbearable and I get really upset again, and we're back to the beginning of the cycle.It's really upsetting for us both. And I do try to tell him clearly that I don't want to be treated like a princess, but just acknowledged a bit more, to have a bit more physical contact, and it just be gentle and consistent. I don't expect him to bend over backwards for me. Also, when things start fading/slipping, I do try to let him know that things are fading, and try to encourage him to keep going I do this for a few weeks, but he slowly falls into himself again. It's like he doesn't hear me or realise what I am saying, even though I try to be fair and explicit. So then I sort of give up, resign myself to it, and after a few weeks get upset, feeling trapped in the relationship, unloved and so on. Also, I have found the pattern

increasingly upsetting the longer its gone on. We've been racking our brains for ways to deal with it:a: How can I communicate in a way that he will hear me, without getting to the point where I am so distressed and upset, and he ends up getting upset too. It's just too exhausting and darn unhealthy!b: What can either of us do to help him to not get distracted by chores and things. As he falls into himself, it's like he just focuses on chores and routines and they sort of take him over. This is despite the fact that he has said he really loves us being close and loving and all of that side of things.I don't expect him to be perfect, we all need down time, we all need to be cared for at times, or focus on other things, which is precisely why I don't want to be treated like a princess, it's too intense, and I would rather less effort spread over a long time! I guess it's how we move to a more regular and consistent approach

to how we interact, as at the moment, we're really hurting eachother, and we've both acknowledged that it's really damaging me.I have said that perhaps we're just too different, perhaps we should split and find partners that are more in tune with each of us. HE has said he really doesn't want it. I've even questioned whether he is getting off on me becoming so distressed, if it makes him feel needed or something, and why he always feels so much happier and focused after I have been really hurt and distressed. Please do be aware that he's not consiously a bad person, or cruel in any way, he's really well meaning, and he's quite concerned about the pattern, now we have been able to recognise it, as he says he doesn't want to hurt me. I just feel now, that unless we can get it solved over the next few months, or at least make some headway, I will have to leave him to protect myself, as I have just been going through the second, milder

nervous breakdown in 2.5years. Thankfully a lot of what I learned last time has helped me stop it from getting as bad as last time, but I have had to take time off work, I don't know when I will be able to return, and have acute anxiety reaction, meaning I have been referred to the mental health team again, taking diazepam and sleeping tablets, just to calm me down, as I go into a sort of hyper drive, which means I don't really sleep and then I lose reality and get lots of suicidal feelings, even worse than the low level ones I live with normally, although, please be aware, I have never tried to kill myself and have absolutely no plans to do so, it's just a flag showing how distressed I am. Bloody hell, that was cheerful! Thanks for taking the time to read this, if you got to the end!Any insight or advice will be greatly appreciated.Becky