Guest guest Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 me again. i wrote earlier about my problems with values. and tonight i tried working on that chapter again. and honestly, i can't see that i have any values. i honestly don't know. i don't think i value (or am able to) help other people. it seems crazy to say that i do not value helping others. i was writing in my diary just now, and all i can come up with is that i want to be seen. i want to be loved. but i can't come close to anyone, because it is too risky. this just makes me fucking furious. i want to punch the wall, scream, break something. values. what if i don't have any. except this selfish stuff. my problem isn't that i am not nice. my problem has been that i always am nice just to make others like me, so i feel i HAVE TO be nice to make others like me, because i don't like myself. and when i am not nice, and actually say what i want, i feel like that's wrong too, or i get agitated and angry. this just fucks me up. how will this act stuff help me if i don't have any values? now i can't sleep. what is making me so angry over this stuff? the things i know are that i feel like a failure now. i do not want to be a failure, so i want to be good at something, but i do not feel good at anything. i want an education, but i can't find a value to justify it. i know i want it, but i don't even know what i want to study. i just want to have one. what if i never get this value stuff? am i just too fucked up? this just makes me more frustrated. i doubt my answers when i'm doing the book, i get angry or irritated because i feel i am not doing it right, and i get more frustrated because i can' defuse from those thoughts and keep going. i sometimes feel like i am doing it wrong all the way through. and when i try to think of what someone close to me would say to me when i am in this state of frustration, i can't come up with something. this just pisses me off. haakon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 I am sorry to see you in pain. They do say though that in your pain can be found the most important things there is to know. Your values are what you value, what make you tick, what make you go forward. It has to be a value to you, not to anyone else Don't try to find politically correct values, just those that make you want to move towards them. If you are going through a bad patch, maybe its hard to see what you truly value. Are you seeing an ACT therapist. Maybe they could help you with such issues as not liking yourself. Try to see yourself kindly, with love, with compassion, get to know yourself again, for what you are, purely as that. If you try to be someone else just to get people to like you that is a relationship doomed to fail before even starting. Be you, and let the right people love you for what you are. You are but a human being, suffering, and lost. You are not "not nice", your mind just labels you as that. I wouldn't say that is a helpful thought that helps you move on. I haven't read it, but I have heard that the book Your Life On Purpose helps people find themselves. Wishing you all the best and hoping you can get on track XXX______________________Signature: Mrs Em Equanimity This is my personal blog where I record my experience applying Acceptance Commitment Therapy to my anxiety and agoraphobia in particular, and my life in general. Feel free to browse. http://eyeofthehurricane-act.blogspot.com/--- El lun, 24/1/11, hkoneriksen escribió:De: hkoneriksen Asunto: values againPara: ACT_for_the_Public Fecha: lunes, 24 de enero, 2011 23:51 me again. i wrote earlier about my problems with values. and tonight i tried working on that chapter again. and honestly, i can't see that i have any values. i honestly don't know. i don't think i value (or am able to) help other people. it seems crazy to say that i do not value helping others. i was writing in my diary just now, and all i can come up with is that i want to be seen. i want to be loved. but i can't come close to anyone, because it is too risky. this just makes me fucking furious. i want to punch the wall, scream, break something. values. what if i don't have any. except this selfish stuff. my problem isn't that i am not nice. my problem has been that i always am nice just to make others like me, so i feel i HAVE TO be nice to make others like me, because i don't like myself. and when i am not nice, and actually say what i want, i feel like that's wrong too, or i get agitated and angry. this just fucks me up. how will this act stuff help me if i don't have any values? now i can't sleep. what is making me so angry over this stuff? the things i know are that i feel like a failure now. i do not want to be a failure, so i want to be good at something, but i do not feel good at anything. i want an education, but i can't find a value to justify it. i know i want it, but i don't even know what i want to study. i just want to have one. what if i never get this value stuff? am i just too fucked up? this just makes me more frustrated. i doubt my answers when i'm doing the book, i get angry or irritated because i feel i am not doing it right, and i get more frustrated because i can' defuse from those thoughts and keep going. i sometimes feel like i am doing it wrong all the way through. and when i try to think of what someone close to me would say to me when i am in this state of frustration, i can't come up with something. this just pisses me off. haakon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 25, 2011 Report Share Posted January 25, 2011 Hi Haakon, Just to add something to Miss Equanimity's excellent response.. It can be difficult to see values (or anything else) clearly when you are in the midst of an emotional storm and trying to think your way out of it. This is where the mindfulness aspects of ACT (defusion, expansion, contact with the present moment and the observing self) are invaluable. If you are struggling with values, perhaps it would be a good idea to put the question aside for a short time while you work on the mindfulness side. Once you start to see the struggle for what it is, you might find it easier to look for your values without getting caught up. As Bill often points out, ACT works best when all the components are in balance. best wishes, bb > > I am sorry to see you in pain. They do say though that in your pain can be found the most important things there is to know. Your values are what you value, what make you tick, what make you go forward. It has to be a value to you, not to anyone else Don't try to find politically correct values, just those that make you want to move towards them. If you are going through a bad patch, maybe its hard to see what you truly value. Are you seeing an ACT therapist. Maybe they could help you with such issues as not liking yourself. Try to see yourself kindly, with love, with compassion, get to know yourself again, for what you are, purely as that. If you try to be someone else just to get people to like you that is a relationship doomed to fail before even starting. Be you, and let the right people love you for what you are. You are but a human being, suffering, and lost. You are not " not nice " , your mind just labels you as that. I wouldn't say that is a > helpful thought that helps you move on. I haven't read it, but I have heard that the book Your Life On Purpose helps people find themselves. Wishing you all the best and hoping you can get on track XXX > > ______________________Signature: Mrs Em Equanimity > This is my personal blog where I record my experience applying Acceptance Commitment Therapy to my anxiety and agoraphobia in particular, and my life in general. Feel free to browse. > > http://eyeofthehurricane-act.blogspot.com/ > > --- El lun, 24/1/11, hkoneriksen escribió: > > De: hkoneriksen > Asunto: values again > Para: ACT_for_the_Public > Fecha: lunes, 24 de enero, 2011 23:51 > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >  > > > > > > > > > > > > me again. > > > > i wrote earlier about my problems with values. and tonight i tried working on that chapter again. and honestly, i can't see that i have any values. i honestly don't know. i don't think i value (or am able to) help other people. it seems crazy to say that i do not value helping others. i was writing in my diary just now, and all i can come up with is that i want to be seen. i want to be loved. but i can't come close to anyone, because it is too risky. this just makes me fucking furious. i want to punch the wall, scream, break something. values. what if i don't have any. except this selfish stuff. my problem isn't that i am not nice. my problem has been that i always am nice just to make others like me, so i feel i HAVE TO be nice to make others like me, because i don't like myself. and when i am not nice, and actually say what i want, i feel like that's wrong too, or i get agitated and angry. this just fucks me up. how will this act stuff help me if i > don't have any values? now i can't sleep. what is making me so angry over this stuff? the things i know are that i feel like a failure now. i do not want to be a failure, so i want to be good at something, but i do not feel good at anything. i want an education, but i can't find a value to justify it. i know i want it, but i don't even know what i want to study. i just want to have one. what if i never get this value stuff? am i just too fucked up? > > > > this just makes me more frustrated. i doubt my answers when i'm doing the book, i get angry or irritated because i feel i am not doing it right, and i get more frustrated because i can' defuse from those thoughts and keep going. i sometimes feel like i am doing it wrong all the way through. and when i try to think of what someone close to me would say to me when i am in this state of frustration, i can't come up with something. this just pisses me off. > > > > haakon > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 25, 2011 Report Share Posted January 25, 2011 Hi haakon, I would suggest that you might want to stop working on the values part right now since it is causing much frustration and stirring up such bad feelings. You may have heard it here before, but brute force with any component of ACT simply doesn't work. It may be time to just be mindful of all these crazy self-limiting thoughts that are marching around like daggers in your mind and just notice them. Those thoughts are NOT YOU. Take deep breaths and just notice them and imagine they are leaves floating by on a stream. You are not those leaves. Bye bye, leaves. I have been in the same self-hating position you are in right now, doubting myself in every way, longing for love and an education but not feeling worthy or motivated, etc. First, you may need to learn to be compassionate and loving toward yourself. Give yourself a treat because you deserve it. Your mind might tell you that you don't, but you do. When I was in my early to mid 20's, I thought I would never meet anyone who would want to spend their life with me, nor would I get the college degree I longed for. I have done both of those things in spite of my doubts and fears (now divorced after 15 years of marriage, without any ill feelings/regrets), and I didn't even learn ACT until much later. Now that I have met ACT, my life is going better than ever, although there is still many struggles and many bad thoughts about myself that I have learned to simply notice and not see as ME. If anyone doing ACT tells you that all the struggles and negative thoughts are gone, I would say they are not being honest. ACT is a journey, a never-ending learning experience. Take a little time off from values and take a lot of time to be kind to yourself, for now. That would be my advice. Values work is very important, but sometimes the groundwork must be laid in other areas of ACT, particularly mindfulness, until we are able to do the values work. You are on the right path, even if the light does not appear to be shining right now. The light will eventually get through those wounded and patched up places in your mind and spirit. My best, Helena values again me again.i wrote earlier about my problems with values. and tonight i tried working on that chapter again. and honestly, i can't see that i have any values. i honestly don't know. i don't think i value (or am able to) help other people. it seems crazy to say that i do not value helping others. i was writing in my diary just now, and all i can come up with is that i want to be seen. i want to be loved. but i can't come close to anyone, because it is too risky. this just makes me fucking furious. i want to punch the wall, scream, break something. values. what if i don't have any. except this selfish stuff. my problem isn't that i am not nice. my problem has been that i always am nice just to make others like me, so i feel i HAVE TO be nice to make others like me, because i don't like myself. and when i am not nice, and actually say what i want, i feel like that's wrong too, or i get agitated and angry. this just fucks me up. how will this act stuff help me if i don't have any values? now i can't sleep. what is making me so angry over this stuff? the things i know are that i feel like a failure now. i do not want to be a failure, so i want to be good at something, but i do not feel good at anything. i want an education, but i can't find a value to justify it. i know i want it, but i don't even know what i want to study. i just want to have one. what if i never get this value stuff? am i just too fucked up?this just makes me more frustrated. i doubt my answers when i'm doing the book, i get angry or irritated because i feel i am not doing it right, and i get more frustrated because i can' defuse from those thoughts and keep going. i sometimes feel like i am doing it wrong all the way through. and when i try to think of what someone close to me would say to me when i am in this state of frustration, i can't come up with something. this just pisses me off.haakon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 25, 2011 Report Share Posted January 25, 2011 thank you, helena. i was very frustrated yesterday. and i couldn't sleep. today i have been to work and after that i saw my therapist. i couldn't stop crying, and he wants me to start working full time, or just doing anything full time. i can see his point, but if i end up in some lousy job...well. i don't feel good when i think like this. but anyway, thank you for your answer, helena. it means a lot. haakon > > > > Hi haakon , > > > > I would suggest that you might want to stop working on the values part right now since it is causing much frustration and stirring up such bad feelings. You may have heard it here before, but brute force with any component of ACT simply doesn't work. It may be time to just be mindful of all these crazy self-limiting thoughts that are marching around like daggers in your mind and just notice them. Those thoughts are NOT YOU. Take deep breaths and just notice them and imagine they are leaves floating by on a stream. You are not those leaves. Bye bye, leaves. > > > > I have been in the same self-hating position you are in right now, doubting myself in every way, longing for love and an education but not feeling worthy or motivated, etc. First, you may need to learn to be compassionate and loving toward yourself. Give yourself a treat because you deserve it. Your mind might tell you that you don't, but you do. When I was in my early to mid 20's, I thought I would never meet anyone who would want to spend their life with me, nor would I get the college degree I longed for. I have done both of those things in spite of my doubts and fears (now divorced after 15 years of marriage , without any ill feelings/regrets), and I didn't even learn ACT until much later. Now that I have met ACT, my life is going better than ever, although there is still many struggles and many bad thoughts about myself that I have learned to simply notice and not see as ME. If anyone doing ACT tells you that all the struggles and negative thoughts are gone, I would say they are not being honest. ACT is a journey, a never-ending learning experience. > > > > Take a little time off from values and take a lot of time to be kind to yourself, for now. That would be my advice. Values work is very important, but sometimes the groundwork must be laid in other areas of ACT, particularly mindfulness, until we are able to do the values work. You are on the right path, even if the light does not appear to be shining right now. The light will eventually get through those wounded and patched up places in your mind and spirit. > > > My best, > > > > Helena > > > > > > > values again > >  > > > > > > me again. > > i wrote earlier about my problems with values. and tonight i tried working on that chapter again. and honestly, i can't see that i have any values. i honestly don't know. i don't think i value (or am able to) help other people. it seems crazy to say that i do not value helping others. i was writing in my diary just now, and all i can come up with is that i want to be seen. i want to be loved. but i can't come close to anyone, because it is too risky. this just makes me fucking furious. i want to punch the wall, scream, break something. values. what if i don't have any. except this selfish stuff. my problem isn't that i am not nice. my problem has been that i always am nice just to make others like me, so i feel i HAVE TO be nice to make others like me, because i don't like myself. and when i am not nice, and actually say what i want, i feel like that's wrong too, or i get agitated and angry. this just fucks me up. how will this act stuff help me if i don't have any values? now i can't sleep. what is making me so angry over this stuff? the things i know are that i feel like a failure now. i do not want to be a failure, so i want to be good at something, but i do not feel good at anything. i want an education, but i can't find a value to justify it. i know i want it, but i don't even know what i want to study. i just want to have one. what if i never get this value stuff? am i just too fucked up? > > this just makes me more frustrated. i doubt my answers when i'm doing the book, i get angry or irritated because i feel i am not doing it right, and i get more frustrated because i can' defuse from those thoughts and keep going. i sometimes feel like i am doing it wrong all the way through. and when i try to think of what someone close to me would say to me when i am in this state of frustration, i can't come up with something. this just pisses me off. > > haakon > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 25, 2011 Report Share Posted January 25, 2011 Hi Haakon, Just reading your email and one particular bit stood out for me-my problem has been that i always am nice just to make others like me, so i feel i HAVE TO be nice to make others like me, because i don't like myself. and when i am not nice, and actually say what i want, i feel like that's wrong too, or i get agitated and angry.I do exactly the same thing and its comforting to know that someone else could relate. The bit thar realy gets me is that a vaue of mine is to be mre gueniune- but when i do people don't like me. So I now am looking at cotniuing with this and then those who do become my friends will be those that are treu friends because they accept me. Although i do have my values set I often feel like my peronality is ever changing and that i'm quite often fake without meaning to be.I had that thought with my values- what are they? and I didn't know so I began by brainstorming what it is that I want- an active socail life, accepting friends and family, a healthy body e.c.t. I then turned this into vaues by looking at what action i can take to achieve this- ie being more guenuine with freinds, exercising more and taking up yoga. The Happyness Trap helped me to do this and put this into goals aswell for when I would do these things. Maybee brain storming could help? even if you just write anything that comes up no matter how your mind views it, just to get a starting point? = ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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