It all went wrong again...

[Guest guest]

Hiya, well I should have seen it coming, really, being the so-say NT in the

relationship.

Last year, yet again, J shut down on me. I just couldn't get through to him.

He fell into himself, and basically, last time was so horrid, that I was very

clear that I personally couldn't cope with it happening again. We went through

several months of couples counselling, with someone familiar with AS, it seemed

to hope.

Then J got a job in Germany, so everything was about that. Just coping with

moving, getting there reasonably sane, I organised and coordinated everything.

I gave him straightforward tasks to involve him, and he seemd happy to have some

input at that level. We were both totally preoccupied with getting to Germany

in one piece. The reason for me taking over is because j will have meltdowns,

temper tantrums, anxiety and panic if he has to deal with this sort of thing,

and also he will just completely shut down, going through previous UK only house

moves. So I end up doing everything anyway. So I tried to involve him by

supporting me, as I was protecting him....

Following on from the counselling, I had been trying to communicate with Jon in

all the ways we had aggreed were good. I kept telling him that we needed to

mutually support eachother, that I needed support, as I was taking the brunt of

everything, to protect him, that he needed to support me in small ways. He made

noises of understanding and I thought it would be ok.

We got out here, and I got us registered all the civic administration, liaising

with the relocation team and so on, to get everything set up.

And that is pretty much when I noticed he was shutting down on me. He started

work, and has been going out with colleagues, he has the chance to come and go

as he pleases, and I have tried to support this, so that he can adjust to this

new life. I have said that he needs to measure his social activity with the men

who have a family, and to pace himself with those, as we *were* starting to

think about trying for a baby in the next few months - to a year, as *we* had

agreed that things were looking much brighter as a couple.

So roll on time, he continued to be totally closed, no smile, no eye contact,

just like a zombie. I really tried everything to keep the pressure off him, but

he just became more distant. And in every way, emotionally, intellectually and

physically. He would give me a token daily stroke,(less than our dogs were

getting). I was trying to continue protecting him, and he continued to be

totally absent. As I don't work, and I am a sociable person, I have been trying

to get some contact with the outsie world, although it's not exactly peachy. I

did sit down and try to explain to J that I was intensely lonely, very

vulnerable and sexually about to explode. But he didn't hear me at all. I

tried to do it a couple more times, and in tears. BUt he was just absent.

I then lost my rag (I am sorry, I had tried everything, and nothing would get

through to him). I told him this was exactly the same as last year, when we had

very nearly divorced.

My biggest problem is how to get him to listen, when he is shut down.

He has massive discrepancies between his intentions and the reality that in his

head we have this peachy marriage, whereas, I try to do so much for him, to free

him up for work, and he then totally ignores me.

He says he doesn't mean to do it, and he says that he wants to change. He says

that he want s another chance to prove to me that the relationship can work.

It hurts me so massively when he shuts down on me, that I am no longer feeling

in love with him. I thought I was being clear to him, telling him what I

needed, approaching problems in a pro-aspie manner, to support him in every way

possible.

I am completely empty. Kids are so far off the agenda, because I really don't

feel I can trust him. He has made hollow promises to me now for over 7 years.

Promising to change and me believing it. He is desperate to keep me. I am now

in a foreign country, I don't speak the language, and my mental health has taken

a massive hit, from him shutting down on me. I care for him deeply and worry

about him, but I really don't know whether to give him 'another last chance'.

He's had so many and it's really just continuing to make me ill.

Any advice would be deeply appreciated. I genuinely feel that I have given

everything I know and approached this problem from every angle, but it seems

that if he has shut down, I just can't get through to him without threatening

divorce. It's horribly painful to have to keep going through such a breakdown in

the relationship. I can't make him listen or 'snap out of it' or anything.

I am seriously considering just leaving him. He's had 10 years of my youth. I

am now 34, I have a right to feel loved and safe in a relationship, but just

can't see how I will be able to get that back, as part of me has just down now,

out of sheer self protection.

Thanks for taking time to read this.